Murder Most Horrid (1991) s04e01 Episode Script

Murder Most Horrid Music plays Oh where would we be without George? -Oh where, indeed.
He's really, terribly good.
The Village of Skinton What d'you fancy, Lily? -Ooh, I don't know, Iris.
What do you think? It's been a long time since we had May I remind you ladies your bacon ration is half this week.
Supplies of meat are limited and you're last in the queue.
Of course, Mr Gaunt.
-Of course.
I have got a couple of lamb chops left.
We'll have lamb chops.
How lovely! Coupons, please.
Is there a problem? Two bones constitutes two chops which is your ration.
Wonderful.
-Wonderful.
A hot pot, do you think? -Or grilled -Are you thinking what I'm thinking, dad? Yeah, I haven't seen a gammon hock since D-Day.
What are they up to? Look at 'em! Who are they getting it from? -How do you know they are 'getting it'? Food, son! Where are they getting the food from? Oh -I think we should keep an eye on them as good citizens should.
Yeah Oh, good morning.
-Good morning, Reverend.
Good morning, Miss Wood-Nemon.
Good morning, Miss Wood-Nemon.
We were wondering, Reverend Stoop, would like to join us again for tea on Sunday? You're very kind.
I must say, it often amazes me the two of you are such wonderfully kind women and never married.
We couldn't possibly be married.
No, he'd have totake both ofus! For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.
Amen.
Amen.
Tasty.
-Yes, very good.
But -Yes? Rather insubstantial.
I don't knowwhatwewould've done without mother.
I think we could have starved.
She's been dead nearly four years Lily.
Bless her.
She's been feeding us ever since.
Lily, we've been very good recently.
Yes we haven't eaten anything we shouldn't have.
Hardly anything at all.
Could we thaw a little something ofmother's out? For the weekend? Why not? How about a cherry bakewell? -Lovely! Dear mother, we thought her baking days were madness.
But what foresight she had.
Poor Electra.
You sound a little overworked, dear.
Maybe we should get you looked at.
In this mountain, shall the Lord of hosts make unto all people a feast offat things a feast ofwine on the lees, offat things full ofmarrow of wine on the lees, well refined.
Here endeth the lesson.
A feast of fat things.
We'd all like a feast of fat things, wouldn'twe? Especially at times like this.
And that is the subject ofmy sermon Underwear for instance.
How are they getting hold of underwear? You remember that German paratrooper that landed in their pond? They used his parachuteto, didn't they, to maketheir smalls I suppose.
-Their not-so-smalls! Ha ha ha! What are you doing, son? -I thought I saw a pheasant in the garden.
I was going to try to catch it and cook it.
You'd love to put a nice, plump bird on our table, wouldn't you, son? There's no need to worry, wewon't starve.
We'll have a nice piece of fresh fish tonight.
Iris.
-What is it dear? Nebuchadnezzar's gone! Oh, that wretched heron must be back.
Oh dear Nebuchadnezzar.
Door knocks Oh, who can that be? Miss Wood-Nemon.
Yes? I gather you've been having a -problem with your frigidity? -Sorry? I'm your man.
I should think you're in need of a thorough servicing.
I beg your pardon? -Would you like to show me your rig? Is that the freezer repairman, dear? Oh oh yes My, my, my she's huge! She's beautiful.
What's her name? Electra.
There, there old girl.
There's plenty oflife in you yet.
Could we get you something? Tea perhaps? Or comee? We keep some beans in Electra.
For special occasions.
-Tea will be fine, thank you.
I'm not having much luck.
She's overheating.
Poor Electra.
-The food will be ruined.
We could never afford to buy a new freezer.
I'll sort her out, don't you worry.
But I'm afraid I'm going to have to come back again.
If you could just make sure to weigh her lid down overnight.
Of course.
When do you think you'll be returning? Tomorrow.
Same time.
Goodbye.
I can't find anything heavy enough, dear.
I can't stay up here any longerdear.
Well you must.
He said we had to keep the lid closed.
Lily, I've been having un-Christian thoughts.
Well then you mustn't do it.
I'll do it.
Reverend Stoop says we need to make a special effort for Harvest festival this year.
I said we'd go and talk to him about it tomorrm.
I think I'll goto bed nm dear.
I'll be up myselfshortly.
Good afternoon, Reverend.
Good afternoon, Miss Wood-Nmton.
I'm afraid you've only got me today.
Really? I hope nothing is wrong.
Oh, no, no, no.
Lily's a little tired.
She had a restless night.
I thinkthe larger models areworks ofart.
I'm alwaysthrilled to get me hands on one.
The trend is towardsthe tall and upright nowadays.
But I preferthem on the floor.
Sighs Have a good old rummage.
I found your problem.
-Yes? -You need a grommet.
It slips into your interstice like that.
That's what you need.
-Yes But I don't have one with me.
I'm sorry I'm gonna have to come back again tomorrow.
-Oh That'll be the lasttime.
I promise.
Don't usethat.
I'll get you a rag.
It's only an old football scarf.
It's my team, West Ham United.
I've followed 'em for years.
I must confess in my youth I had the name of the team tattooed on an unmentionable part of my body! I'm so sorry, I embarrassed ya.
No, no not at all.
I was just wondering whether your wife approved ofthat? Oh I'm not married.
I expect it's been a very long time since you've tasted a fudge triangle.
It's lucky I did stay behind today, dear, because the blinking repairman came again.
Gosh, so soon.
Any luck? -Not yet.
But he's coming back.
Sometime soon.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
You're taking a long time with that arrangement, dear.
What's that you're knitting, dear? It's a bed sock.
It's one of a pair.
-But you don't wear socks in bed? I was thinking of donating them to the church bazaar when they're finished.
I'm going to add these pom-poms.
-Lovely.
I was thinking of going to help at the church tomorrow, dear.
Would you come? -I'm afraid I'm going to be far too busy, with this.
Never mind.
Mmm, delicious.
May I offer you my slice? It's untouched, Mr? Rimmer.
Well I really can't say no.
It's been so long since I've had such a lovely moist pudding.
I wish you'd told me you'd foregone your luncheon.
My hair pie is thawing out.
That's very kind, but I've wasted enough of your time already.
Better get back to work.
Then I shall be out of your hair for good.
Laughing I've so enjoyed these two afternoons we've had together.
Yes, they've been fun.
I wonder would you care to come for tea? We have a chocolate cake.
-I should be delighted.
Right I just need to slide this little fellow into the hole.
Now that's it.
-You see pure silk, parachute silk.
A German paratrooper landed in our pond about a year ago.
The last time this fabric was unleashed, was from five thousand feet.
Aaaahhhh!!!!! Hello, dear.
It's only me.
Lily, what's the matter? I've done something terrible.
You've eaten the last chocolate cake! No! It's much worse than that.
Look in there.
Screams What happened? Lust, Iris.
It was lust.
Pure lust.
Lust? You poor thing.
You must have been terrified.
No, not his lust.
My lust! I don't know what came over me, Iris.
One minute we were talking about the promenade in Frinton, and the next minute he was underneath me.
Writhing.
He was coughing, and going ugh, ugh! and gasping for air.
-Why didn't you get off him? Because I thought that's what happened when you made love.
Oh, dear God! When he stopped struggling, I thought he was enjoying it.
Knocking at door Reverend Stoop.
I asked him for tea.
Leave this to me.
Aah, Reverend.
I'm afraid tea's off.
Oh what a shame.
-Yes.
Your sister mentioned she had something for the bazaar.
Err I'll just go and get it.
And one more thing Would you, Miss Wood-Nemon Would you, Iris do me the honour of It's for bedtime.
-Yes, of course.
Thank you.
Very er very practical.
I'm sure it'll be of great interest to Mr Smeaton.
Call him back.
I must confess.
No, Lily.
Don't you realise? You'd go to prison for life! This way, I'm an accessory.
We're in it together.
I can't stand the noise any longer! Sshh.
It's only Electra.
Sleep now.
What is it? -He wasn't dead.
-Oh, thank the Lord.
But he is now.
Aaaahhhhhh! She's gone.
Poor Electra.
Why didn't you let him finish mending her first?! 48 hours before everything starts to defrost.
What are we going to do? Oh come on, Lily, put your back into it.
-I can't.
Well think of him in there.
All stiff and rock hard.
Car door shutting What's that? -Oh, the back! Looks like they're extending their pond.
Must be going to re-stock.
Oh yes.
Laughs Could we not keep just one mincemeat lattice? No Lily, we must give everything to the harvest festival.
I'm quite speechless at this true act of benevolence.
We had to do it.
-We felt the time was right.
Though I fear this may mark the end of our wonderfull teas.
Yes I'm affraid our teas may have to stop.
I'm sure we could still -I can't hold it back any longer! Let me tell him! Reverend I'm afraid we may soon have to leave Skinton.
We have an aunt, who's gravely ill, in Arbroath.
That's why we've donated this to the people of Skinton.
As a farewell gesture.
Tomorrow's service could well be our last.
Goodbye.
Take a peek out of the window.
See if their lights are out.
Right.
Iris! What is it? -There's been a frost.
-Well, we'll wrap up warm.
No you don't understand, everything is frozen.
For men should be lovers of their own selves.
Covert us, proud, boasters, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, without natural affection, incontinent.
Having form of Godliness, but denying the power there of.
From such, turn away, for of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive, silly women laden with sins.
l-l-l-l-l-led away with diverse l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l lusts! Here endeth the lesson.
Miss Wood-Nemon, Miss Wood-Nemon.
I wonder if I might have a brief word with you, in private.
A wonderful lesson, beautifully read with feeling and What I'm trying to say, Iris, is would you do me the honour of becoming my wife? Lust! Lust, lust, lust.
Pure unbridled lust! Oh, Iris, what is to become of us? Lily! -The silly woman, laden with sin, led away with diverse lust, is me! I have killed someone with my lovemaking! No, Lily! -Yes, Iris.
Both of us, we both did it.
You see, there is a man.
A man? -We've been hiding him secretly at home.
I made love to him.
I killed him.
And then we froze him.
Yes.
He's gone! There was a man in there.
There WAS a man in there.
What is it? -He's gone! There was a frozen man in there and he's gone! My proposal was possibly ill-conceived but but a simpler rejection would have been appreciated.
I should not have tried to come between you.
I see that now.
I shall see my self out.
Oh!!!!!! Easy as pie.
The door wasn't even locked.
Well go on, let's have a look, see what we've got.
Hey! A fiver's all you're getting out of this.
Whatever's in this sack, you're not having a cut of it.
That was the deal.
West Ham? -Oh my God, d'you know what we've got here, Bernard? West Ham, Westphalian ham.
Lovely! Quick, hide it right at the back of the freezer Hide it good! We'll defrost it come Christmas.
Yes, gentlemen, what can I get you? Customs and excise, Mr Gaunt.
We need to have look round your premises Make sure everything's being conducted according to regulations.
Which I'm sure it is.
Isn't it? -Of course, come in.
Gentlemen do you eat ham? Poor Mr Gaunt.
Poor Mr Gaunt.