My Family (2000) s04e01 Episode Script

(Sighs) Hello.
Hello.
What are you doing? - Choosing some wool.
- Good.
- What for? - A cardigan for Janey's baby.
Good.
Hang on, you can't knit.
Are you saying I'll make a bad grandmother? No, I'm saying you'll make a bad cardigan.
Whoa! Slow down.
That's your second.
Susan, it's my first.
Judging by your breath when you kissed me, it's your second.
Actually, it's my fourth.
All right.
What's wrong? I've had some bad news, I'm afraid.
Mr Beamish died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know.
I kind of miss him.
Yes.
Who's Mr Beamish? The chap who had the surgery upstairs.
- I didn't know anyone was upstairs.
- That's why I'm going to miss him.
Oh, Susan, he was the perfect neighbour.
We never spoke, we never socialised, even when we met on the stairs we'd ignore each other.
- When's the funeral? - I'm not going, darling.
It's what he would have wanted.
Makes you think, though, doesn't it? There he was one minute, happily digging through a root canal, the next - phut! - He was gassed? - No, no.
He suddenly expired, face down in his own spit-bowl.
- So he drowned? - It doesn't matter how he died.
The fact is, it's just awful.
82 years old! You don't understand.
He was still a dentist at 82.
That's what's awful! - Why didn't he retire? - Old dentists don't retire, darling.
They just recede, like rotting gums.
- Ah, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! - My name's Michael.
OK, I know, big lad now.
You don't want me to call you Mikey any more.
I don't want you to talk to me at all.
Ha-ha! You're a big lad now.
Yeah, good I need to borrow the washing line tonight.
- Certainly dear.
What for? - Tying people up.
I really think the Cadet Force is making a man of him.
Unfortunately, that man is Benito Mussolini.
Funny you should mention that, but that downstairs toilet is far too cold.
Sorry, what's that got to do with Mussolini? Nothing, but I got your attention.
What I thought we'd do is install a heated towel rail so the toilet will be toasty warm when Janey and the baby come to visit.
So, let me get this straight.
You want to install a heated towel rail on the off chance that an unborn baby of a child who never visits the house might be cold in a room that nobody uses? - Is that a yes, then? - It's a "My wife's insane".
Nick, would you stop it? You're getting on my nerves.
- I'm practising for my new job.
- What? - Yeah.
Film extra.
- I see.
Just trying out a bit of realistic background action.
Good, eh? So, you're a film extra? Right.
That's good.
You've always been extra in this house.
Glad to know you're going to be extra in someone else's life.
You know what sort of extra you are, Nick? In this house you're extra useless.
You are so Would you stop doing that? I thought you were very good, Nick.
You look just like a man drinking a cup of tea.
Little show biz trick, Mum.
It's cocoa.
Stick at it, Nick.
Who knows, you might be the next Jack Nicholson.
No, Mum, Jack Nicholson's typecast.
Jack Nicholson is always Jack Nicholson.
Whereas an extra can be a policeman one week, and the next week he can be Man At Bus Stop.
Or Angry Villager With Pitchfork.
Or Idiot Son In My House.
Who knows? Nick, what are you doing here? You've got your own flat now.
Dad, you can't do background action without someone in the foreground.
That would be insane.
Whoo! All this before I've even had my first drink.
I used to keep fish, you know.
Really? Goldfish, mostly.
Oh, and I had a few of them what do you call them? Oh, you know Oh, never mind, it'll come to me.
Angelfish.
That's right.
Look, do you mind if we get on with it? We haven't got all day.
- Mr Beamish had.
- Not any more, he doesn't.
Plus, Mr Beamish was cheaper than you.
On Thursdays he used to throw in a half-price haircut.
If you're unhappy with my service, you're perfectly free to go elsewhere.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I like it here.
Really? Oh.
Well, then It's like going to Mr Beamish, but with fewer stairs.
- Right, that's it, all done.
Come on.
- Eh? - Off you go.
- You haven't done anything.
- Your teeth are perfect.
- They're about to fall out.
If they are, pop them in an envelope and post them to me.
Thank you.
Bye! - I thought I said - Hello there! - Oh, my - It's me, Roger Bailey.
- Yes - You once saw me for some dental work.
Yes, and then I swore I never wanted to see you again.
You remember me.
Some things you never forget, like the day your first pet died.
My, but it's good to be back in a surgery again.
- Places, everybody! Lights! - Don't touch that.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
I'm so excited to be face to face with my father's favourite pupil.
Favourite? Really? I didn't know I was one of his favourites.
- My father always talked about you.
- What sort of things did he say? I don't know.
Mother used to send me upstairs.
Ooh! A number three scaler! Ooh! Get out.
To be honest, Ben, things haven't been too good recently.
I took over my father's practice, put all my money into refurbishment, but no sooner had I given it the Roger Bailey touch, my patient list began to dwindle.
Unbelievable! I know! So, here I am.
A dentist with no patients no equipment and no surgery.
What a great opportunity! The slate's wiped clean.
I can be anyone or anything I choose to be.
And yet you choose to be Roger Bailey.
- Yes.
Best stick to what you're good at.
- Mm.
Yeah.
Very well.
I hope you find somewhere.
Good luck.
I already have.
Upstairs.
What? That's why I'm here.
I just popped by to check it out before I made an offer.
- Well, that is so weird.
- What? Because there is no floor above this one.
Then where do those stairs lead? Erm - The roof? - The roof.
How strange.
There's an advert here in Dentistry Oh, that surgery? The one upstairs.
- That's right.
- The one above the roof.
- Yes - Sorry, Roger, beaten to it.
- Someone's already taken it.
- Oh, well Onwards and upwards.
But not upwards, cos it's already been taken.
- Thanks for all your help, then.
- Not at all.
Any time.
Any time.
Bye.
Hello! Hello? Help! - Thank you.
- Yes? What the hell is this? New security measures.
Two dead bolts and a carbonite steel crossbar.
Very nice.
Now let me in.
I can't.
It would be a breach of procedure.
Name? - Michael - No, your name.
- Let me in! I'm your father! - Can you prove that? If you do not let me in, I shall climb through the window.
So bloody let me in! Your identity confirmed.
- Pass, friend.
- OK, Michael, what's going on? I've secured the camp perimeter.
The first thing they teach you at Cadets.
It may well be the last.
All he's done is put a few extra bolts on the door.
All kids do that at his age.
Oh, really? I must have skipped that phase.
No, you were strange.
Anyway, Michael's learning new skills.
I have the training and equipment, all I need now is the collapse of Western civilisation.
Kids today, they want everything now Oh, it's coming, Dad.
All the signs are there.
Political disengagement, cultural decadence, the euro I dare say we'll cope.
You may laugh, but when the balloon goes up, you are not coming into my bunker.
- Not even your dear old mum and dad? - Parents are obsolete.
The Army is my mother and my father.
You'll never guess who turned up at the surgery today.
That chirpy, irritating little pillock - Hello, Ben.
- Hello, Roger - What the hell are you doing here? - You did say any time.
I don't remember including "Come round to my house" in the same sentence.
I love his dry humour.
What must he be like to live with? Believe me, he's a riot.
So, who is this irritating, chirpy little pillock? Roger's been helping me baby-proof the house.
- Excuse me? - It's been such fun, cladding table legs with bubble wrap.
Surely there are websites for people like you? Roger's been an absolute angel.
We put safety catches on all the drawers, covered all sockets and installed a stair gate.
I've also scoured the whole house and removed any indecent images.
Oh, how can I ever thank you? - No need, I've invited him for dinner.
- Oh, super.
- I need a drink.
Where are the bottles? - Safe.
- Safe? - In the safe.
Safe? What is this? What? What? Open now! You'd better open this! I want my drink! Ben, this drinking.
Don't you think you should get some help from somebody? You're right.
Susan, what's the combination to this lock? Thank you.
It's been a wonderful evening.
- Any time.
- Bad choice of words, Susan.
- Hi.
- Hello, Abi.
How was your date? Well, you know when you pop to the loo during the film and when you come back you go into the wrong cinema and you spend the next two hours in the dark snogging a complete stranger? No.
Neither do I.
Good night.
Um, hello, Roger.
What? Oh, sorry.
Lost my bearings.
Right, stairs, door.
Got it! OK - Bye, now.
- Bye, Roger.
- No.
Don't say it.
- What a lovely man.
- You said it.
- I think he's a sweetie.
- He's a fruitcake.
- The boy's father was your mentor.
- He made you what you are today.
- Mm-hm.
I'm serious, Ben.
Don't you think you owe it to Roger's father to treat his son like your own? Susan, I've got enough sons.
I'm not taking another man's cast-offs.
Roger nearly went bankrupt.
I wish I'd gone bankrupt when I was his age.
Huh! - God knows what I could be now.
- Oh.
Like an astronaut.
Or a Chinese acrobat.
Oh, don't be silly! I meant something like fashion photographer.
Anyway, it's an early start tomorrow.
- Oh, is it? - Yes.
The gas men are coming at eight.
- Oh, yes, the towel rail.
- That's right.
And the boiler.
- I Pardon? - Didn't I tell you? The gas people said that our old boiler is up to capacity and if we want a new towel rail, we'll have to replace it.
Anyway It's 15 years old.
While we're about it, we might as well get a new hot water tank.
And upgrade the pipes.
They're doing a very good deal at the moment.
Yes, marvellous, and all for 150 quid.
- I was just coming to that.
- Mm.
You've done it again.
You've not told me any of this.
- I thought it would be obvious.
- The only obvious thing is you have yet again ploughed ahead with your juggernaut of a scheme without any regard for any innocent pedestrians who might - Nick.
- Yes.
Who are these people? That's a traffic warden.
That's an old lady.
And this is a City gent.
Nick! They're extras, like me.
I thought we'd get on better if we formed a cooperative.
Could you form it somewhere else? We are trying to have a nice quiet argument.
You won't notice we're here.
That's why we're extras.
OK, everyone, from the top, let's go again.
- Any notes, Nicholas? - No, no, you were all perfect.
It's these two I wasn't very happy with.
Are you sure you're doing that right? Have you seen my football kit? Yes.
There.
You're never going to loosen it like that.
Lefty, loosey, righty, tighty.
- I put these out to be washed days ago.
- You should have got the Army to do it.
Does this mean I don't get a packed lunch either? Unless the Army's buttered bread and made fillings.
Is this to do with what I said about the Army being my mother and my father? Oh, no, of course not.
Next time you want your verruca bazooka-ed, ask your sergeant major.
I should keep that sense of humour.
You'll need it when the barricades go up.
(Mimics) "You'll need it when the barricades go up.
" Oh Hm What now? You know I don't think I want the boiler over here.
OK, if you'd like to lean back a little, Mrs Atherton.
- Righto, Mr Beamish.
- No, I'm not Mr Beamish.
That's nice.
You're looking well.
Is that a new hairpiece? - No, I'm not Mr Beamish.
- Oh Still, it's a lovely piece.
Look, I do not wear a hairpiece, OK? Of course, not, Mr Beamish.
It looks like you've had some work done on those wrinkles, too.
You could pass for a 70-year-old.
Look, I am not Mr Beamish, OK? I do not wear a wig, and I am not dead.
My name is Harper.
I was woken at 7:30 this morning by a squad of bellowing gas fitters and now my house is a wasteland of ripped-up floorboards and copper pipe.
And you do like your pipe, Mr Beamish.
Pipe down, please, and bite on that.
Thank you very much.
Good.
- Hello.
Only me.
- God.
What do you mean, only? - What do you want? - Is it a bad time? - If you like I can pop round tonight.
- No! No, no, now is fine.
I was just wondering if the surgery upstairs had become vacant again.
Why, what makes you think that? - There might be another fatality.
- Oh, yes, there might be.
But hardly likely, cos the chap upstairs is 22, fit as a fiddle.
Well, you know, people have accidents.
Group practice.
There's five of them.
All 22.
All fit as a fiddle.
Take a meteor to wipe that lot out.
Oh.
Pity.
- I'll be off.
- Good.
By the way, that Abi, hm Interesting girl.
Don't even go there.
Really? Why? She used to be a man.
How long ago? Ahh Damn Susan? Susan! Well, thank you very much.
I'll bear that suggestion in mind.
- Su - Hello, dear.
What is all this? I thought they'd be finished by now.
Well, in a sense they have, in that they've gone home.
Without clearing up? Yes.
Well, we can clear it up together.
Susan, what's happened? They weren't good gas fitters anyway.
Far too sensitive.
What did you say to them? Somebody had to take charge.
That foreman was a monkey-faced imbecile.
Yeah, that's what you said to them.
That's the clean version.
Well, at least they've managed to install the boiler.
They did manage to install the boiler? Oh, my God, don't say there's no hot water! - Or cold water.
- Right, that's it! I'm going to ring a plumber, an emergency plumber.
I'll sort this out.
- I've tried.
We can't.
- Why? You remember that plumbing we had done over Easter? - Yes.
- It seems we're on some sort of list.
Well, then I'll have to have a glass of water.
Oh, there isn't any.
Oh, it'll have to be a glass of whisky.
When are you going to tell me the combination to this lock? - When you've calmed down.
- I can't wait that long.
Well, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to have a shower.
Oh, good, you do that.
Hang on Just hang on.
I thought you said there was no hot water.
Well, there's a bit left in the tank.
How much? A bit.
Enough for two showers or one? (Yelling) Hello, Dad.
What the hell are you doing here? Having a lovely hot bath.
Nick, you don't even live here.
Yeah, my flat ain't got a bathtub.
You can't beat a nice hot long soak.
Ahh Ooh Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to.
All right, Ben.
Let's go downstairs and boil some water.
- What's the point? - So we can burn him! Zero, zero, zero, one.
No Zero, zero, zero two.
Come on! No, this won't work.
I've got to get into the mind of the code master.
(Chuckles) Susan's birthday.
OK, OK, so wedding anniversary.
Yeah, that's it.
Zero, zero, zero, three.
Oh, come on! (Creaking) - Nick, Nick, what are you doing? - What does it look like? Do you know how dangerous it is, working with gas? It's not just gas, man.
It's water and electricity too.
Stop it! Nick, please, just show me exactly what you've been doing.
What's that? Background action.
It's what extras do.
You have been doing that all night? Hey, I'm a professional.
OK.
I'm going to get a plumber.
A proper professional plumber.
They can't all have something against us.
Right, OK.
"Diaphragm-type expansion vessel conforming to BS48414 "must be connected to the inlet side of the pump.
" Ha! Simple enough.
Ah - Ambush! - (Yells) God, you very nearly gave me a heart attack.
So near and yet so far.
- Go away and leave me alone.
- Why won't you let me help you? Leave me alone.
Looks like a simple flow and return system to me.
- Are you an expert now, are you? - I know as much as you do.
- You only repeat what you've heard.
- At least that means I listen.
Being a good listener drove the workmen away and got us into this mess? Haven't you realised yet, none of this is my fault? What? It's karma.
It's cosmic payback for something you've done.
Sorry, did you just tell me where this might be leading? It's the wheel of being.
What goes around comes around.
If you go around being nasty to Roger, the universe will come round and mess with your plumbing.
You know, I've heard some loony hippy rubbish from you in my time, but this takes the loony hippy rubbish biscuit! Cosmic payback! Cosmic cobblers! It's started.
Oh, my God, what's that smell? Bergamot.
It relieves stress.
- I am not stressed! - No, but you smell.
How's the electrician getting on, at 30 quid an hour? Nearly finished.
Though his wire stripping looks a bit slapdash to me.
I know, let's play a game.
Oh, yes, let's.
We could play sitting in the dark, thinking about how cold it is.
Come on, Ben, let's make the most of it.
Most of what? We've no heat, no light, no water.
The bill's gone up from 150 quid to 3,000! If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
(Nick) Or lemon earrings.
What do you make if life gives you crap? How about crap mice? - What? - Crap mice.
You put a cocktail stick in the end and you've got a little tail.
The telly in my room isn't working.
It's Ben's fault.
The power's gone in the whole house.
Can I watch it down here, then? Woo-oo - Stop farting around with that torch.
- Sorry.
Wooo-ooh - Nick.
- Yeah? They went that way.
Everyone, to the kitchen.
To the kitchen! Everybody, to the kitchen! Everyone, come through! - Mum.
- Yes, dear.
- Will the lights be coming on soon? - Not long now.
Don't tell me, Rambo, you're afraid of the dark? No.
Can I stay down here with you? Of course you can.
You see, Michael, me and the Army, we're not that different.
You can say that again.
It's really cold, isn't it? Can we turn the heating on? The heating isn't working.
Have you got a blow heater? By the way, it turns out that electrician's a carpenter, and a plasterer, too.
Really? I hope that doesn't mean he's going to charge us triple.
No.
Well, not yet, anyway.
- What? - Atchoo! (Susan) I've asked him to give us a quote to turn Nick's room into a nursery.
(Ben) You did what? (Susan) For when the baby comes.
(Man) OK, all finished.
Well done.
Good! That's it.
One more step, Mrs Fowler.
Good, in you come.
Plenty of time.
Hello, neighbour.
I just popped by to borrow a cup of mouthwash.
Ha-ha, I'm sure What do you mean, neighbour? That's right.
It's karma.
Did you know that the surgery downstairs just became available? This is so great.
- What time do you break for lunch? - I don't.
I bring sandwiches.
So do I! We can eat them together.
And you know, the great thing about having no patients is I can stay here all day.
Not so fast, Mrs Fowler.
Have you met your new dentist, Roger Bailey? One floor down.
Ah What the hell's this? - Cold tea.
- Cold tea? Yeah.
Little show biz trick.