Never Have I Ever (2020) s04e01 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
[McEnroe] This is the house
where Devi Vishwakumar lost her virginity.
This is the outfit she wore.
This is the dinner she ate.
The point is
that after wanting to do it forever,
Devi had finally had sex, and it was
Oh hell, they seem awkward.
Well, we did it.
Yep.
We had sex.
Mm-hmm.
You were inside of me.
[smacking lips] I was.
Ben Gross was inside of me.
It's weird that you're talking about me
in the third person while I'm here.
Um, sorry. Sorry.
So
- So
- Mmm.
[McEnroe] Ben, say something nice.
Something supportive.
Um
[McEnroe] Anything.
I I guess if there's nothing else,
I should hit the hay.
Can I call you an Uber?
Oh.
No, I'm good. But, yeah, I should bounce.
[McEnroe] Hit the hay?
Hit the freaking hay?
Ben, to quote the title
of my own bestselling memoir,
you cannot be serious.
Okay, well, uh
[snaps fingers]
catch you on the flippity flip.
[McEnroe] Well, my friends,
welcome to the shit show.
[both] You had sex with Ben Gross?
- Yes.
- How was it?
Okay, I think.
- Did you have an orgasm?
- No.
- Did he?
- I think so.
- How many positions did you do?
- One.
- How many were we supposed to do?
- I think like four to five.
They definitely do four to five
on Euphoria.
Do you think Ben wanted
to have Euphoria sex?
I mean, who doesn't?
[Devi] How was I supposed to know that?
Guys, I think I'm bad at sex.
I had no idea
what to do with my legs or arms.
I was like the inflatable balloon man
at a tire store.
You should have seen
the look on Ben's face afterwards.
He was clearly embarrassed for me.
Well, what's the deal with you two now?
Like, are you together?
Yeah. Do you love him?
Love him? Of course not.
I only love my family and Michelle Obama.
[inhales deeply]
But I do like him.
Like, really, really like him.
Then you need to text him.
[groans]
[McEnroe] Meanwhile, across the Valley,
Ben was dealing with his stress
by burning out his quads
with some hardcore leg curls.
[phone chimes]
[Margot] Hey, my coworker wanted
to say hi.
[McEnroe] Ugh. This girl.
[Margot] Save me!
[McEnroe] All right, Margot,
that was kind of cute,
but you're still not Devi.
[upbeat music playing]
Oh my God. Are Are you Dwight Howard?
- Hey there.
- [Ben] Wow.
Mr. Howard, I'm like the hugest NBA fan.
You know,
I actually play a little ball myself.
Not professionally,
or, like, on any team, but, uh
Mostly in my driveway.
Well, I can't take pictures right now,
but, uh, have a good day.
No, look, I get it.
I know you're a busy celebrity,
but I'm glad
that I met you here today, because, um
[clicks tongue] Uh Because
Well, because, um
[Dwight] Hey, little dude,
it's gonna be okay.
Kids get bullied all the time
in middle school.
What? Middle school?
I'm 17.
What? I'm sorry, my bad.
What's up? Talk to me.
It's just last night,
I had sex with someone
I really care about for the first time,
and it was really bad.
Whoa, I don't wanna talk
to a random teenager about sex.
That's kinda like
one of the rules I have for myself.
Okay, it's just that after we were done,
she didn't say anything.
Like, it was so clear
that she thought it sucked. She
She got up and sprinted out.
Damn. That's messed up.
But do you have any friends
or someone you could talk to about this?
No, I don't have any friends.
[pleasant music playing]
Okay, I think I got it.
How does this sound?
"Hey, lover,
wanna skeet up to the Cheesecake Fac
and split an egg roll sampler?" Hmm?
Ow! Fab, what the hell?
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
That text was just so lame.
It was a reflex.
Yeah, babe, you seem a little thirsty.
No "lover," no exclamation points,
no sit-down restaurants.
Pretend you're Kristen Stewart.
What would she text?
Hmm. Okay. [sighs]
I'm Kristen Stewart. I'm cool as hell.
My hair is always half-swept over my head.
I wear shorts to the Oscars.
Texts just fall out of me.
[groovy music playing]
"Hey. Wanna meet up later at Starbucks?"
That was perfection.
You have never been sexier.
Thank you. And I like my hair like this.
And that's when I realized
love is a verb, not just a noun.
Yes. Wow, that is so wise.
And thank you
for letting me confide in you.
I guess this makes us
friends for life, huh?
[chuckles] No.
[phone chimes]
Oh my God, it's her. She texted.
"Hey. Wanna meet up later at Starbucks?"
No, she put a period after "hey."
That's not good, bro.
Really?
"Hey."
Oh my God, you're right.
It's a lead-up to bad news.
And she's taking you to Starbucks.
She's trying to get out of there fast.
I'm gonna level with you.
I don't really think she's into you.
You should try to find somebody
who's not gonna have
your head spinning like this.
A relationship should be easy,
and you should feel confident.
Yeah, I I guess.
I'm sorry. You know what?
Just to make you feel better,
what if I got you tickets courtside
to the Lakers game?
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm actually a Clippers fan.
What? I gotta go.
[scoffs]
What is wrong with you, dude?
You're just wasting my time.
[sighs]
- [sighs]
- [phone pings]
- He texted back.
- [gasps]
[Ben] I'm actually pretty busy,
but thanks for the invite.
Have a great summer.
Are you fucking kidding me?
["You're My Future"
by Rosie Thorne playing]
I wanna help you out ♪
[Devi] Yo, yo, yo, my gods,
it's Devi Vishwakumar,
your dopest disciple in the 91403.
Oh good Lord, this is a prayer, Devi,
not DJ Khaled intro'ing a new song.
Mom, this is just how
me and my deities do.
Fine, fine, continue.
Okay. [sighs]
First, I'd like to thank you
for taking care of my dad
and making sure
he has ESPN on repeat up in heaven.
It means a lot to us.
Also, if you have the time
to please bless my college application,
that would be awesome.
That is the most important thing.
Devi, pray that Dr. Keyes
is willing to write your recommendation.
I'm on it, Mom. Why do you think
I'm dressed like a nun today?
I'm gonna ask her first thing in AP Lit.
Yeah, like my mom said,
a rec from Dr. Keyes would be sick.
So obviously Princeton
is numero uno in our priorities this year,
but also would love a new phone.
The front of mine got cracked
when I threw it at a spider.
Okay, Devi, our gods are not Santa Claus.
But do you know who is?
Me.
[Devi] Mom, are you kidding me?
I can't believe you got me
a hot-ass new car,
and you're gonna keep driving
the dumpy old Subaru.
I mean, I am a pretty great daughter,
so thank you.
The new car is mine.
- [door unlocks]
- You get the Forester.
That makes more sense.
Well, I'm still psyched as hell.
Thanks, Mom.
Now all I need to do is order
a vanity plate that says "Dat Ass"
Over my dead body.
Here you go. I love you. Mmm [kisses]
- Have a great first day.
- Thank you.
[upbeat music playing]
College is amazing, bro.
My classes are incredible,
and the people here are awesome,
especially my roommate, Dylan.
Oh, even his name is cool.
- Dylan.
- Yeah.
I'd so buy drugs from him.
Yo, I'm so happy for you, man.
[Paxton] Yeah, coming to ASU
was such a great decision.
Not that staying in Sherman Oaks
and doing senior year over again
isn't also great too.
Oh, no offense taken. I'm in, like,
a really good place right now.
Eleanor and I are like the it couple.
- It's pretty high prof.
- [Paxton] Cool.
- So what else is going on?
- [Trent] Uh
Like I said, uh, dating Eleanor.
Um Oh!
They started selling Go-Gurts
in the cafeteria.
- Cool.
- [indistinct chatter]
Oh, uh, gotta go.
Good luck on the second first day
of senior year.
- All right, see you later, man.
- [boy 1] Are you serious? That blows.
Yo, Jackson. Who you talking to?
It's, uh, Paxton.
Your friend's name is Paxton?
- Shit, that rhymes with your name.
- [both chuckle]
No, I I'm
[scoffs] It's just a friend from home.
- What are you guys up to?
- It sucks, bro.
The rager in my room is a no-go.
My roommate has mono.
Dude, that sucks.
Told you he was a pussy for getting mono.
We could do it here.
I mean, I'd be cool with that.
I used to party a lot in high school.
I was, like, constantly getting invited
to parties and stuff, so
[boy 1] Yeah, okay.
Sure you were. But all right.
- We can put the keg on your bed.
- [boy 2] Damn, bro, that's cold.
Well, we're finally seniors, and honestly,
I think we're doing pretty great.
You're right. We've all had sex,
which freshman year, Fabiola calculated
was statistically impossible.
And you guys
are both in two great relationships.
Fab's even dating a college kid.
Addison and I already went on a date
at the USC dining hall.
We split fajitas and a Belgian waffle.
Huh. Well, now that I've done the deed,
I can focus on what's important.
Getting into Princeton
and getting Timothée Chalamet
to follow me on Insta.
And I am so excited to recruit new kids
for the robotics team.
Eric says there's a big crop of nerds
coming from the middle school,
which is huge for us.
Huh. Well, all in all,
I think we've really grown into being
the poised, fearless women
we always dreamed we'd be.
Oh, shit, there's Ben. Hide me.
[school bell ringing]
He's gone.
Dude, you gotta talk to him at some point.
And I will,
at our 20th high school reunion when
I show up with my smoking hot husband.
Whatever actor's playing
the most current Spider-Man.
- [Eleanor and Fabiola] Mmm.
- Ew. Why does it reek of weed?
- [boy 1] Yo, that's stupid, bro.
- [boy 2 chuckles]
Whoa, the Hot Pocket
looks different this year.
[McEnroe] This year, the Hot Pocket
was more like the High Pocket.
Last year, the popular boys
were harmless jocks.
Now it was burnouts and bad boys,
and the baddest of them all
was Ethan Morales.
He was known
for holding court in the parking lot
where he did property-damaging
skateboard tricks
and occasionally day drank.
Holy shit, did Ethan get smoking hot
over the summer?
He grew like two feet.
Yeah. When did his torso get so claw-able?
What's up? Whose torso is claw-able?
Uh, mine. Because I have a rash.
I'm sorry, babe, that sounds really gross.
What you up to?
Wanna go make out by the bleachers?
Maybe not second base.
'Cause I don't wanna catch your rash.
I'd love to, but I'm so busy.
I have my meeting with Ms. Warner,
the college counselor,
and we start rehearsals
for the fall musical,
a stage adaptation of Dune.
- What's your schedule like?
- Uh
Yeah, I'm super busy too,
with classes.
Oh, what are you taking?
We're all in BC Calc and AP Lit.
Oh, I wanted to take those classes,
but they just sounded too easy for me,
so I'm in BP Frigonometry.
What?
I gotta jet. But I'll see you
fellow eggheads in study hall later.
[pleasant music playing]
[school bell ringing]
[McEnroe] And there she was,
Dr. Mary Jean Keyes,
a legend at Sherman Oaks High
for writing the most incredible
college recommendations.
But due to Dr. Keyes's
crippling arthritis,
she only wrote two recommendations a year.
She was also extremely conservative,
and believed that teenagers should adhere
to the rules of propriety
from the Victorian era.
Outrageous.
[McEnroe] Devi was determined
to grab one of those recs,
so she walked her knee-length kilt
right over to that desk.
Good morning, Dr. Keyes.
I just wanted to say
how excited I am for AP Lit this year.
Well, I'll warn you,
we don't use tablets in my class.
We read the old-fashioned way
from dusty books that make you sneeze.
I'd take a Claritin if I were you.
Oh, I'm looking forward to it.
This might be old-fashioned of me,
but I just wanted to give you these.
[Dr. Keyes] Harry & David pears?
How wonderful.
Devi, this really is an elegant gift.
And if I may, I am so pleased
to see a young girl this day and age
not dressed like a pinup poster
in a prison cell.
Of course.
The only person
that needs to see my midriff
is my future husband
or my gastroenterologist.
[both laugh]
[sighs]
I do hope that you would consider me
for one of your legendary recommendations.
Oh, that remains to be seen,
but I can tell already
you're on the right track.
[upbeat music playing]
[McEnroe] After the triumph
with Dr. Keyes,
Devi felt like she was on a roll,
and so she decided to do
the mature thing and talk to Ben.
Sometimes, when things don't go your way,
you can still be graceful and learn.
Like when I lost to Björn Borg
at Wimbledon in 1980.
It wasn't how I wanted it to work out.
But what can I say? I still love the guy.
And that's how Devi felt.
She and Ben would get past
- this.
- [music ends]
What the actual F?
Ben was with Margot?
This is not like me and Björn Borg at all.
- The balls on this guy.
- [Devi scoffs]
- [school bell ringing]
- Devi, wait.
What the hell? You're with Margot?
I [sighs]
Yes, I am.
[sighs] I cannot believe you.
You ignored me all summer,
after you took my virginity.
And now you come to school flaunting
your new girlfriend right in my face?
I assumed it was a one-time thing,
especially because of the way
you bolted out of my room right afterward.
I didn't bolt.
Yes, you did, and you did finger guns.
Yeah, only after you said
you'd call me an Uber?
I said that because you weren't saying
anything and you looked uncomfortable.
Whatever. I texted you.
But apparently, one pretty mediocre bang
was all you wanted from me
before you moved on to the next warm body.
What'd you just call me?
[exhales] I'm sorry. We're in the middle
of a private conversation.
It doesn't sound private.
You're screaming at my boyfriend.
[McEnroe] Hearing the word "boyfriend,"
and how official it made them sound
was like a dagger in Devi's heart.
And when Devi was hurt,
she did not always make smart choices.
Yeah, you should know that Ben and I
had sex before you guys got together,
so you might wanna dump his ass.
Actually, he did tell me that,
and I'm not sure why I should care.
I I think this is escalating
in an unnecessarily public way.
Also, I think it's pretty clear which
warm body he wanted, and it wasn't yours.
- [students groan]
- Great. Yeah, couldn't be happier for you.
You know what? I hope you have a nice life
riding Ben Gross's circumcised dick.
Yeah, that's right, people,
I've seen it up close and personal.
[Dr. Keyes groaning]
[students gasp]
Oh my God! Dr. Keyes!
Dude, Devi just killed that old lady.
Great. Are you happy now?
Look what you did.
Me? I should kick your ass!
Miss Vishwakumar, Miss Ramos,
to my office now.
[Dr. Keyes groaning]
[Principal Grubbs]
And someone get the nurse for Dr. Keyes.
Just so I'm completely clear on this,
you two are threatening
to beat each other up over Ben Gross?
- Yes.
- That's right.
Yeah, there's only one Ben Gross
in this school.
Okay, look, Sherman Oaks High
has a zero-tolerance policy
against violence or threats of violence.
Margot, you need to apologize
to Devi immediately.
Can't I just get detention,
or, like, clean some toilets?
I'll literally do anything else.
Look, I know how annoying Devi can be.
Lord knows I've had to bite my tongue
over the years.
- Uh What?
- Just say you're sorry.
Fine. [sighs]
Even though you acted like a skank,
it was not cool
to threaten to kick your ass.
Which I could've done easily.
Okay, wonderful. You're dismissed.
Whoa, that's it? That was mostly insults.
Devi, go to class.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Cool brochures. What are they for?
One of those disciplinary bootcamps
that throws you in a van
in the middle of the night? Been there.
No, silly, Ms. Warner gave them to me.
They're info
on all the best acting conservatories.
Whoa, El, this one's from the Royal
Academy of Dramatic Art in London.
[gasps] You could be one of those
topless ladies on Bridgerton.
[laughs] Damn, Trent, looks like
she's gonna wanna upgrade soon.
[school bell ringing]
No, I won't. [chuckles]
If I move to London,
and you and I are still together,
you can come with me.
What do you mean if we're still together?
You know what I mean.
That's, like, a year away.
Who knows what could happen?
[upbeat music playing]
Robotics is the future.
It's where coding meets innovation,
and it's fun.
We are so proud of the friendships
that we've made, both human and droid.
Robotics team is #SquadGoals.
- [students] Oh.
- This is such a great turnout.
What a diverse group of
[indistinct chatter]
boys.
All boys.
Let's cut to the chase.
We are the rock stars of the school.
We bring machines to life.
Robotics is not for the weak of heart.
- What if we have medically weak hearts?
- Oh, I was speaking figuratively.
Many of us have heart issues.
So please enjoy the refreshments
and learning about our awesomeness.
Eric, everyone who showed up is a guy.
Isn't that kinda weird?
[scoffs] Well, that's probably because
statistically men are more
Stop. I'm already offended by however
you're going to finish that sentence.
Torres, guys just tend to like this stuff
more than girls.
That's why it's so cool you're
the only girl on the team. You're special.
[McEnroe] But Fabiola didn't feel special,
she felt weird.
Meanwhile, in Studio City,
Devi's therapist, Dr. Ryan,
had just started her long-awaited break,
enjoying the two things she liked most,
sweet potato fries
and the Anthropologie catalog.
Ooh, this sconce is nice.
Dr. Ryan, stop everything. I need you.
Um, we don't have a session
for another hour,
and I'm right in the middle of my lunch.
It It couldn't wait, Doc.
Ben's dating a bitch.
O Okay, let's get into it.
Why do you care that Ben is dating a
girl you don't like?
Because Margot's horrible,
and he deserves so much better.
- So I called her out in front of everyone.
- [sighs]
Devi, you know it's okay
if you still have feelings for Ben.
What? That's what you got from this?
I mean, what you two shared
was something incredibly intimate, Devi,
and then he abandoned you.
Uh He didn't
- I don't I don't have feelings for him.
- You don't?
[sighs] It's just
I know it's so obvious and pathetic
to be that teen girl that has sex
with a guy once and gets attached.
You know, like, "Get over it.
He doesn't care about you."
But I'm just so
Hurt?
Yes.
Oh, baby.
What is wrong with me?
What would make Ben sleep with me
and decide not to be with me?
Hey, hey, there is nothing wrong with you.
When I look at you,
I see a smart, beautiful young lady.
And I don't mean that feminist woo-woo
"every woman is beautiful" kind of thing.
I mean real beauty.
You're extraordinary, Devi.
- I am?
- You am.
Why else would I keep seeing you?
Girl, you drive me crazy.
[chuckles]
Thanks, Doc.
Listen, it is okay to be mad at Ben.
What he did to you was unkind.
But what you're not allowed to do
is lash out at this new girlfriend. Uh-uh.
Okay? Women always wanna take
something out on another woman
when most of the time
it's the man's fault.
Yeah, 'cause it's easier
to be mad at women
'cause we know what sneaks we are.
Dr. Ryan, I know you're right,
but I'm still jealous as shit.
[sighs] You know what I think
would be more valuable?
Venting.
Mm-hmm.
Let's write down all the mean things
you wanna say about this girl,
and we can get it out your system.
Come on. Get your notebook out.
What you got?
"Enjoy my sloppy seconds, you artsy ho."
Uh Okay. No, no, no, get it all out.
Hmm.
Now that you're on the path, you think
you can be a grownup about this girl?
I do.
But it's gonna be a long list.
["Do It" by Spank playing]
- Girl, I wanna ♪
- Do it ♪
- Don't you wanna ♪
- Do it ♪
- When we gonna ♪
- Do it ♪
- Can we ♪
- Do it ♪
[McEnroe] At Arizona State,
Paxton Hall-Yoshida
was experiencing a first.
Being at a drunken rager
where he felt like a loser.
[retching]
Dude, come on. Use a trash can, man.
- For real?
- [coughing]
- Thank you.
- You having fun?
Kinda like the highlight
of the party for me.
What? No, I couldn't hear you.
Cleaning puke with you
is like the highlight of the party
- [girl yelps]
- for me.
[laughing] Oh my God. Stop!
[door closes]
[Paxton] Oh, gross.
[sighs]
We bought corn on the cob
to hide in our pants
so people think it's our dongs.
[laughs] I love high school.
[nostalgic music playing]
[school bell ringing]
Uh, hey, uh, Margot? Do you have a second?
Actually, no.
I'm trying to avoid psychotic bitch energy
as much as possible.
[exhales] Look,
I'm really sorry about what I said.
It's not your fault that Ben likes you.
I was just really hurt,
and it made me lash out.
But that's on me, not on you.
Wow. Thanks.
I appreciate it.
So maybe things can be cool between us?
Yeah. I mean, I'd never, like, choose
to be friends with a huge nerd, but
[Devi] Dude.
What the hell?
[Margot] What's this?
"Newsflash, Margot. Quirky eye makeup
doesn't replace a personality."
Margot, stop.
"Ben only likes her
because she's probably a huge slut."
It was an exercise in restraint
so I could put my anger behind me.
Yeah, well, now I'm angry.
You're a real asshole, you know that?
Devi, come quick.
The new Hot Pocket
just told me Trent was shot.
Come on.
Move. Move. Where is he? Who shot him?
Cupid, the angel of love.
[tuba playing
"Can't Help Falling in Love"]
Eleanor, getting held back my senior year
was, like, the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.
I can't really hear you over Eric's tuba.
Oh, yeah, you can stop now, man.
[sighs] What was I saying?
Uh, that being held back was
the best thing that ever happened to you.
Oh, yeah. Thanks, Coyote Girl.
Because now I want
infinity more years together.
- [students gasp, murmur]
- Eleanor Middle Name Wong,
will you marry me?
No.
[students groan]
[tuba playing a sad tune]
[somber music playing]
You humiliated me.
That was worse than the time I got my hair
caught in the fan in Home Ec.
What were you thinking
asking me to marry you?
We're still kids.
We can't make
that kind of major life decision, Trent.
Who knows where we're gonna be in a year?
I know where I'll be.
Right here in Sherman Oaks,
probably dicking around.
[sighs]
Ever since we started dating,
I've known you're too good for me.
But now it just feels like
I'm trying to hold down a shooting star,
and it's burning my hands.
If you can't commit to me for eternity,
then I have to set you free.
[sighs] I don't wanna break up.
It's only gonna get worse for me
the longer we wait.
[car door closes]
[Trent sighs]
I want you to have this.
[somber music continues]
[Eleanor sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[Ben] Devi.
Hey, I I heard what happened with Margot.
[sighs] What I wrote about her was part of
a therapeutic exercise for my therapist,
who I plan on yelling at
and possibly suing for millions.
Yeah, it wasn't great,
but it was my fault too.
I'm sorry.
- You are?
- Yeah, for ghosting you that day.
Look, I know that I must come off
as this sophisticated
- sexually experienced stud
- I never thought that once.
But I didn't meet up with you that day
because [sighs]
I was embarrassed how bad it was.
It was my first time too.
Whoa. Okay, that makes way more sense now.
[Ben] Yeah.
[Devi] Well, I was just bummed
because I actually thought
we could be something more.
Yeah, I did too.
But the thing is, Devi, that night made me
realize that we shouldn't be together.
[scoffs] What? But every teen movie says
that most people's first time sucks.
I mean, it's not like your dick got stuck
in a pie or poison ivy or whatever.
Hey, we've talked a lot about
my dick lately. Can we move on?
Yup.
Look, I think we're both
just insecure and competitive,
and we always manage to hurt each other.
And as my close personal friend
Dwight Howard said
while we were hanging out the other day
[inhales deeply]
I need a girlfriend who makes me feel,
I don't know, more, like, at ease,
or, like, happier with myself.
I need that. You should have that too.
I can do that.
No, you can't.
That's why I'm staying with Margot.
[McEnroe] Every ounce of her wanted to
fight him and convince him he was wrong,
but this wasn't an argument
over a school project or Model UN.
This was about love.
So Devi heard herself saying something
she almost never said.
I accept that.
Okay.
Um, well, I really do think
it's for the best.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[McEnroe] Senior year hadn't exactly
started out the way Devi had hoped,
but at least she could crank
some sad Adele
in the comfort of her new
- ["Bye bye" by Haiku Hands playing]
- car.
What the actual
Lean in
I do what I want and I won't ♪
Back beat I'm free
Drop a knee for you, solider ♪
Breathe in
I do what I want ♪
[exhales]
And I'm gonna do you ♪
I don't care what you say ♪
I don't ♪
I won't do what you say ♪
I won't ♪
Hey, you get out my face ♪
Get out ♪
I had enough of you ♪
See you later ♪
Bye bye ♪
Alligator ♪
Don't cry ♪
Bye bye ♪