New Girl s04e01 Episode Script

I can't.
I can't do it.
Oh, of course you can and you will.
Okay, Schmidt, we've been to 11 weddings in a row.
That's too many weddings.
I can't even get into the fridge anymore.
Aah! I'm so hungry.
Why does everybody get to have a party for everything in their life? Why can't I have a party for really dedicating myself to knitting this summer? God, I hate that you knit.
I hate everything about it.
Why? It makes me angry and scared all at the same time.
Just like when I hear the phrase, "academy award winner Anna Paquin.
" Jessica, you are going to this wedding.
Well well Sexual intercourse.
Do you remember that? You got to get back out there, Jess.
The last mouth that you kissed was Nick's mouth.
That was four months ago.
Think about that.
That's horrible.
Hey.
Is Schmidt making fun of me? - Yes.
- Hi, Nick.
Okay, cool.
Just checking.
Are you wearing tap shoes? I got 'em at the goodwill.
I thought they were just really shiny dress shoes.
They're cool.
Hey, what do you guys think about this belt? Like for a wedding gift? Nick, coach, get in here.
Everybody in here.
Are we a man down? I feel like there's one more of us.
Something's going on in Jess' room?! I'm coming! Just wait for me.
He's sore from police academy.
I'm sore from police academy! Okay, we have gone to wedding after wedding this summer, and, with the exception of coach and myself, none of us have truly taken advantage of the sexual opportunities that a wedding provides.
Not true.
Wedding number seven, an unneutered dog ran after me, so I made out with a bridesmaid.
- You did? - Yes.
She was wearing a hospital bracelet and carrying a dead goldfish in a bag.
She was still a bridesmaid.
She looked like the snowman fromFrozen.
Hey, aim for the middle.
The ride's rough at first, but the body adjusts.
I'm all right! I just rolled off the couch.
Winston, please! I can't close my ass! We are hooking up tonight, all five of us, including the gimp.
This is the last wedding of summer, which means it is our last chance.
- Nobody meets anybody in fall - No.
Or winter.
What, are you gonna gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater? - Not me.
- Do you realize how important this is? I do.
Winter is coming.
No one comes home alone.
You know what, yeah.
Yeah, I'm in.
She's in.
We're all in.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
I'm in.
I can't hear what's going on, but I'm in.
All five of us out there together, in the wild, getting some strange, like a sex fist.
- I'm sorry, what? - Mm, that's not what you mean.
- What's a sex fist, now? - One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
- You're making a mistake right now.
- Schmidt, Nick, coach, Winston, Jess sex fist.
- When you put them all together, - No, that's not right.
tearing our way through the reception.
- Slow down.
- Are you listening to what you're saying? Isn't that sweet? It's a metaphor for togetherness.
- It could just be a fist.
- All five of us sex-fisting our way S04E01 The Last Wedding Hi, everybody.
Uh, I'm Ted.
I'm, uh I'm Mark's best friend and his best man.
I-I've known mark since he was in diapers, you know? Uh, and, by that, I mean junior year of college.
Ah, what about him, Jess? - What? The best man? - Best man.
Get real, you clown.
I've been out of the game too long.
- He's a wedding celebrity.
- Everybody say hi to Nana.
How great does Nana look, everybody? Give it up for Nana.
Six months sober.
I'm kidding.
Three months.
Jess, come on.
Get in there.
- What? - You got this.
- Think so? - Yes, you got the bangs parted.
You're looking good.
- Really? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Stick your boobs out.
Gotta turn the headlights on.
Ew! Schmidt.
But you got it.
Sex fist.
All right.
Hi.
Hi to you.
I'm coach.
Oh, my God.
You don't remember me? Yeah Yeah, I remember Ooh Ooh - I'm good.
- It's the end of the wedding season.
We've got some repeats.
Oh, God.
What is she doing here? I thought she was in Australia.
How do I look? How-how Jewish? I mean, like, good Jewish or bad Jewish? Oh, I won't say it feels like a trap.
Come on.
Come with me.
I haven't told the guys that you broke up with Buster yet, 'cause, um I feel like I might have to tell Schmidt outside a hospital, like, you know, when you give a baby peanut butter for the first time? Yeah.
You're not doing this tonight.
- What? - You're not doing this tonight.
- I'm not listening to you.
- You're not doing this tonight.
I'm picturing CeCe naked.
Stop doing this! CeCe has a boyfriend, and your obsession with her is not good for you, man.
She's been away all summer, and you have been killing it! Mostly hand stuff.
Who had sex with a bridesmaid on a 45-minute flight to San Jose? - Me.
- You were boarding group "d.
" She was "b.
" How's that even possible? - Gotta think outside of the box, my man.
- Now get your little white butt back out there and finish the summer of sex that you started.
That's what I'm talking about.
CeCe gone.
See that bridesmaid right there? - The pretty one? - Sure do.
- The foxy lady? - Mm-hmm.
Well, you're going home with her tonight.
- And I got your back.
- Look at that.
She looks like the girl from the commercial playing tennis with a tampon in.
Let's do it.
Hi.
I'm Jess.
Hi.
I'm Ted.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So you're from Wisconsin I'm sorry.
Is this thing on? You're making your throat like a microphone.
Yeah.
That's funny! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I loved your speech.
- Oh.
- Hi.
I'm Kat.
- Hi.
- I'm Ted.
- Really nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Excuse me.
My girlfriend's getting jealous.
Perfect specimen.
Ted is the only eligible guy here, and we are his two best options for procreation.
Oh.
I'm not trying to intimidate you, I just want you to know who you're dealing with if we're both gonna compete for this man tonight.
What? Here are the facts: I am technically a genius, I have a photographic memory and I lost my virginity to Malcolm Gladwell.
Okay Have you ever heard of plutoxic syndrome? That's because I cured it.
You're welcome, vaginas everywhere.
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm sorry, that was Vagina voice, and a It was a huge mistake.
I stay current on sporting events.
I watch 30 minutes of porn every night just to stay up to date on the latest sex trends.
In the coming months, I'm predicting a throwback to missionary.
It all depends on what happens in Syria.
Well, have you ever had sex when you were really, really, really, really, - really, really tired? - I'm never tired.
I'm the better choice of mate.
From a purely biological standpoint, you're shorter, weaker, and dumber.
No offense.
I love those shoes.
I love your shoes.
But I love your shoes.
Your shoes.
- No, I love your shoes.
- Your shoes.
- Your shoes.
- Your shoes.
Your shoes.
- What? - I was just moving my mouth.
- So you're competing with her? - I can take her down, because I have something she doesn't have: You guys.
Now, strategies.
What about you, coach? You hook up at weddings all the time.
What's your strategy? It's called being a gorgeous black man with the body of an action figure.
I could give that a try.
You want to know what your ex-boyfriend thinks you should do to get the guy? No, I don't.
That's super weird.
Yeah, it's too weird, so Somebody else.
Okay, look, babe, just get out on the dance floor, okay? Guys think that they way you dance is the way you have sex.
Okay.
So just give them a little something, okay? You just need to, like, roll your body a little bit.
Something a little sexy.
Pop your hip out a little bit.
Hey, man, I'm not gonna lie to you right now.
- I've got a halfie.
- Okay, we got to go! - Excuse me, everybody! - I need a minute.
What do you think of this? Mm hmm Mm-mm.
- I'm good to go now.
- Let's go! All right.
Ugh! I just want to get back out there, but I feel like I forgot everything I knew.
Do you guys still like an Oakland face with an L.
A.
booty? Would you like to know my strategy, Jess? Is the art of seduction really where you shine? Be there.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Just be there.
No matter where he goes, be there.
He gets a drink, be there.
He talks to his friends, be there.
At the end of the night, be there.
It's called "the Joe Biden.
" That's creepy, man.
The basic concept of what he's saying, though, - could actually work.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna biden his ass.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Yup.
That'll do it.
I know.
Oh, hey! Uh, you know, Kat was just telling me about her hairlessness.
Hmm.
She's like a seal.
Hmm.
That's okay.
You guys talk.
I'm just gonna be here.
I'm sorry I didn't call you.
Why are you so scared of intimacy? Who broke your heart and why haven't you forgiven her? Uh well Yeah, the thi Huh? You're arrogant, you're sexist You stole my phone charger.
You're conceited.
You're a liar.
Aah! I rented best man holiday.
You're not in it.
So, you know Tom Uh, Tom, of course, he wanted to sell shoes for a profit.
And I said, "no.
" I said, "you You do something better.
" You got a pretty good face.
So, you guys want to come home with us, right? We want to do a four-way.
Me, her, you and him.
Of course.
We'll, uh Nick? Nick?! - Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
Good.
How are you? - Are you enjoying the wedding? - Yeah.
You be yeah.
Mm! Hey.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, Schmidt.
Hey, do you know how they sell ice cream at the drugstore? I'm not having a four-way with you end of discussion.
Come on, Nick.
We don't have any other choice.
I've found 15 other girls since I've been here.
They're all either married or taken or mad at coach.
I'm not doing a four-way with you It's the last helicopter out of Saigon, my man.
Charlie won.
- No, Schmidt.
- You won't even know it's me, Nick.
Look, at this point, it's all skin and shapes That's-that's what I'm afraid of.
It-it's the fog of war, man.
There's so much stuff going on.
- You're just, you're just here.
- Yeah You don't even know what's happening.
Okay, but I want to know what's happening if it's with sex I don't want some fog of war on top of me, if it looks like you.
That's the point.
The fog of war is something you can't see through.
Like, the whole thing with the Charlie thing and Vietnam, I don't know who I'm fighting! I'm soft like a lady.
You won't even know.
- But what if I get a surprise? - "A surprise"? - What if there's a surprise on me? - There's not gonna be a surprise on you.
What if I'm fighting the war and boom there's a surprise! You go north, I go south.
Do you know what I'm saying? I'll be in steerage and I'm rowing.
And I'm rowing and I'm rowing and the You're up in the crow's nest.
Fre-fresh air up there, man.
And I'm in the trenches, you know? I'm digging for coal.
I'm breathing in those fumes.
And you're up here.
You're just taking in the sights.
You're spotting dolphins, huh? You're just the handsome prince covered in salty sea spray I don't want you calling me handsome before a potential four-way! This Nick, please! I'm begging you for this.
CeCe is here.
And I can't get her out of my head.
Don't, don't, don't play the CeCe card right now, don't do I'm gonna play the CeCe card, okay? Look, she's here and I don't want to go home alone.
I need your help, please.
What's up, guys? Tell you what.
I am so sore I can't have sex with nobody tonight.
Only thing I want in my mouth is Mr.
and Mrs.
I.
B.
Profen.
Minus the mister.
My man Winston, I got a question for you.
Do you think that, that two men can engage in group sex without without compromising their friendship.
Good question, good question.
Um okay.
Uh, let's just say Nick is the salt.
And, Schmidt, you are the pepper.
I'm assuming we're talking about you two.
- Hypothetically, I suppose.
- Whatever.
Yes.
Hypothetically, all right.
Not necessarily.
Actually I'm gonna need some Ooh, boy.
Seems as if I've made a mess.
Got to clean that up.
Yes, look at that.
Salt all in the pepper.
Pepper all in the salt.
Just mixed up like that.
Is there salt shoved in the pepper hole? How'd it get in there? How did salt get shoved into this tiny, tiny pepper hole? Nick? You're terrible at demonstrations! Oh, uh You know, I-I'm just gonna, uh Yeah, Ted.
Get crazy.
Leave it all out there on the field.
Okay.
I'll come back with stories.
- Are you bidening? - What? No.
How did you know about that? Because I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you.
Extreme biden! Kat.
Kat, Kat let me out.
This was a huge mistake.
I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of this.
It smells so bad in here.
Jess? Hi.
Jess, th-this is the men's room.
This is where it all happens.
Don't wait for me, Ted, 'cause I might be awhile.
See you out on the dance floor.
And at wedding 12, I sat on a men's toilet.
When did one-on-one sex become old-fashioned? You know, America's got to take a hard look in the mirror at ourself.
We used to make things.
Just be glad you're not single.
Oh.
Actually Buster and I broke up.
- So, anyway - Oh no! No! That is so terrible! - Didn't know you cared this much.
- No, no, no, no - If you're single - Mm-hmm.
that means that I have to do something.
Something awful.
You have no idea what you just did to me.
You have no idea, young lady! I'll do the four-way with you.
Yes! Okay, I'm gonna go book the room.
You go to housekeeping, have them give you as many shower caps - as they'll give you - Okay, stop.
They're gonna get one hand and I'm not gonna move it.
I'm just gonna dangle it into the mix while I look at something else on my phone.
And that's the deal.
Aw, man, this is gonna be big for us.
- This is for you, buddy.
- Thanks.
Yeah! What the hell is that? What are you talking about? Yeah, what's-what's that on your hand, man? Why is it so rough? It's like hoof.
There's nothing on my hand.
This is a regular old hand I'm out, I'm out.
You're out of what? Four-way.
Done.
No way.
- Not with that thing.
- You're a buffoon.
That is ridiculous.
I was only doing it for you, Schmidt, so you don't freak out when you find out that CeCe's single.
And now I'm the weirdo with the hoof hand.
What take it back from the hoof hand.
What'd you say before? About CeCe being single? How do you know that? She's single? I have my, uh - assumptions.
- So CeCe's single now.
You don't know that for sure.
That's interesting.
Why are you so calm? Interesting.
Don't just say "interesting.
" That's interesting.
If you're gonna say "interesting" say why it's interesting.
It is interesting.
Aah! Nick! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? It's the men's room! Mmm Jess, scooch over.
All right.
What are you doing? Just hiding in the bathroom? Kind of.
Me, too.
I know I'm supposed to, like, "get back out there," you know? But Maybe I'm just not built for it.
Man, I hear you.
What do my hands feel like? - Hooves.
- Aw, son of a Maybe there's a reason I'm not up on a fridge, you know? Maybe some people are fridge people, and other people are toilet people.
You think you're a toilet person? You're not a toilet person.
You want to get on the fridge, you'll get on the fridge, Jess.
Just be yourself, and if he's not into Jessica day, then there's something wrong with him.
Be myself.
Like do my Tina Turner impression? How did your brain jump there? What's love got to do got to do with it? All right.
I hear your logic.
- Come on.
- No man wants that, but you can't quit, either.
You're our last hope.
You're the only one out of the group who might not go home alone tonight, Jess.
- Really? - Yes.
It's all on your shoulders.
So the sex fist has turned into a sex finger.
- Uh, don't yeah.
- Sex finger.
Hey.
Ted.
Um I'm out of moves, so I'm just gonna try being myself.
Here's some stuff about me: I've never cured anything.
I'm a middle school vice principal and I love my job.
Um, I'm just getting out of a relationship with a guy that I still live with, which is kind of complicated.
He's over there.
What's up, Nick? Hi, I'm Nick! Sometimes I cry when newscasters wish each other "Happy Birthday" on air.
My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba.
'Cause he was super hot, and I still, actually, find him hot.
Uh, truth time.
Um So that's me.
And if you want to take me home, Ted, we can definitely do some no-bra stuff.
Uh That's me naked.
Well and this is me with a guy who I thought was Larry king.
So it's decision time.
Yeah, Ted, who's it gonna be? Me or Jess? Hmm? Ooh Wow.
Hah.
Ooh This is tough.
I mean, okay, 'cause I mean, over here we've got, you know, the whole you know.
And then, but of course over here we got the bing, and the you know.
Mmm Oh, God, what do I do? What do I do? - It's over.
- Moment's passed, Ted.
Okay.
I'll take him out.
So you and Buster broke up.
Whew.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm just waiting for you to do something weird now.
Yeah, I feel that coming on, so, um I'm gonna go.
You know what doesn't whine and cry is the sperm in my freezer.
I am counting down the days until we don't need men to procreate.
If I really put my mind to it Autumn 2018.
Are you ready? Oh, it's my plan "b.
" Yeah.
Beats going home alone.
Just giving her a ride.
Nothing weird.
We do this every time.
So, Katherine, uh Where do you live? About two inches north of your mouth, Padre.
Bye.
Bye.
It's okay, Jess.
Sex fist is obviously over.
We're all going home alone.
Well, that's where you're wrong, Schmidt.
We're not going home alone.
- That's great.
- All right.
It's like that.
"Regan, Kevin and Rebecca" "request the honor of your presence.
" How about the honor of my garbage can? Hey! Those fridge people with their stupid houses Oh, look at this one, guys.
Uh, it looks like Jeffrey and Lauren want us to share in their joy.
How about they share in my chocolate pocket? What does that mean? In my butt.
- Mm-mm.
- That's gross.
Yeah, I Oh, man how about this one, you guys? Scott and Derek.
Yeah, real tasteful wedding - for a Thursday! - Yeah.
Oh, look at that Laurie and Mitchell.
They had a cash bar.
I hope they can't have kids! That's super dark, bro.
- That was too far.
I hope they can - Yeah! I hope they can, I hope they can.
CeCe and Shivrang You bastards, take that one down.
You know what? It's gone.
No - Take that one down! - Oh, yeah.
Wait a minute.
Who are Gabe and Stephanie, with the profile, these things? Oh, Gabe's the heavy guy with the perm and the wheelchaiair No, Gabe was the guy on the motorcycle No, no, no, no.
The guy with the perm.
The guy who kept showing his stomach the whole time.
That's the woman who was eight and a half months pregnant.
The groom was dressed as the bride Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, uh This wedding's next week.
- What? - What? Not anymore.
Whoa! That's right! Come on, now! Ripping it up! Oh! Oh! Look at that one.
Rippin' 'em up.
Rip.
Oh, right there.
Yes.
Mmm More to rip.