Parks and Recreation s04e01 Episode Script

Excuse me.
- Are you Leslie Knope? - Yes.
We are part of a group that tries to identify potential candidates for political office here in town.
Are you theoretically interested in running for office? Abso-toot-ly I am.
Very sorry that I just used that word.
Before we go any further, I need you to tell me is there a scandal out there? Is there anything at all you need to tell us about your life? Nope.
Who were the suits? They want me to run for office.
Oh, my God! Leslie, yea! I know, right? Yea.
- Yea! - Yea! - Yea! - Yea! Wait, what does that mean about you and Ben? I don't know.
I think it's gonna be really bad.
Uh-oh.
You just wanna go back to saying "yea"? Yes, please.
- Okay, yea.
- Yea.
Yea.
- Knope, follow me.
- Just one second.
- Now! - Ron, hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ron! Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron! What's going on? My ex-wife Tammy is back.
Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
No, my other ex-wife Tammy.
Tammy one.
I have accrued 228 personal days.
Starting right now, I'm using all of them.
While I'm gone, you're in charge.
Ah! Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk.
Remove it or it will begin to smell.
Godspeed.
- Hi, Ron.
- Move! Whoa! Ah, geez.
Warning! High levels of swagger coming through.
Tommy Haverford back in the Parks Department.
Entertainment720 hockey jersey, anybody? Branded mouse pad? Entertainment720 is just a little multi-national that I started with my boy Jean-Ralphio.
What exactly do we do? Let's just say it's too hard to explain.
Donna, you look amazing.
How are the kids? - I don't have kids.
- Wow.
- How long has it been? - Three weeks.
So did you get a chance to look at my sample position papers? How do you feel about my stance on Egyptian debt relief? Uh, well, it probably won't come up in a local City Council election.
But your thoroughness, as always, is impressive.
Thank you.
Now, we have three months.
I think we should start talking strategy.
My strategy is to win.
I've been dreaming about running for public office my whole life.
While other girls were playing with Barbies, I was playing with a Geraldine Ferraro action figure that I made myself from a picture of her that I glued onto a popsicle stick.
See you next week? Okay, I'm looking forward to it.
Hey! What-- - Who was that? - Uh Lady--just ladies.
Meeting for the ladies' yacht club.
- Anchors away, ladies.
- What? Just don't-- Ladies' yacht club? I cannot believe you haven't told him yet.
After I tell him, I'm running for office, we're gonna have to break up.
Why can't you just keep sneaking around? Ann, you beautiful, naive, sophisticated, newborn baby.
What? Before, if people found out, we would maybe lose our jobs.
Now, if people find out, it's gonna be a major scandal.
My campaign will be over before it begins.
- What are you gonna do? - I have a plan.
And it's really good.
I'm gonna postpone telling him until you figure out what I'm supposed to do.
So get crackin'.
How is this on me? Fine! I'll do it.
God, who keeps emailing me? - A penis.
- What? Oh, my God.
Oh-- It's emailing me too.
Whoever this is sent it to every woman in the entire government.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna be so embarrassed.
I mean, that's a crazy accident.
No, Andy, he did it on purpose.
You know what? Respect.
That's a baller move.
Pun intended.
Excuse me.
Chris, Jerry's making us look at dirty pictures on his computer.
It is exactly because of that lewd photo that I am here.
Ben and I are launching a full investigation.
And I want to apologize to all the women And Jerry.
If I could go back in time, and cut your eyeballs out, I would.
- Wow, that is so sweet.
- Thank you.
We are getting a lot of media requests about this.
So Leslie, can you do Perd Hapley? Ho! She can do Perd Hapley.
Hi-oh! Seriously, can you do his TV show? Oh, yeah.
Andrew my man-drew, what are you up to? I'm about to do an experiment where I huck this at the wall and see what happens.
But that can wait.
Shoe shine? Andy, I'm gonna be honest.
I came here today to talk to you.
Now look, you're enthusiastic.
You're hard-working.
You can lift heavy things.
I think there might be a place for you over at Entertainment720.
Oh, my God.
What is that? It's my company! I don't know, Tom.
I mean, I'm just now getting really good at shoe shining.
And I mean, I'm still pretty bad at it.
Let me ask you this.
Are you living your dreams? - I don't know, Tom.
- Well, I'm living mine.
And if you wanna live yours, here's my card.
- It's impossible to read.
- Black print, black background.
It's the coolest possible color scheme.
- Yeah.
- It's also a strong magnet.
So don't put it in your wallet.
It will erase your credit cards, guaranteed.
Destroy my credit cards.
Debt and everything? Mr.
Mayor, I promise you that we will find the owner of that weiner and we will punish him.
Good-bye.
- Ann Perkins! - Hey.
I didn't know who to come to with this, but that picture, uh--there's something very disturbing about the testicles.
I've always felt the same way myself.
The testicles are like the ears of the genital system.
They serve a very important function, but they're not that great to look at.
Okay, wow.
No, I was speaking medically.
They're enlarged.
I think that maybe that guy is sick with something-- perhaps, a hernia, or mumps.
Ann Perkins! You really know your testes.
Thank you? For a female perspective on this scandal, we turn to a woman, Leslie Knope.
I'm about to ask you a question right now and that question is this.
The lewd photo-- just how big a deal is it? Well, frankly, Perd, it's not that big a deal.
If you know what I mean.
I don't know what you mean.
But it had the cadence of a joke.
When men in government behave this way, they betray the public's trust.
Maybe it's time for more women to be in charge.
There you have it, where "it" is the thing Leslie Knope just said about this situation.
Perd Hap-- How was that? Was that okay? Amazing.
That sound bite is gold.
You're gonna get great feedback on this, and we think we can capitalize.
You're gonna announce your candidacy on Friday.
Friday.
In three months.
No, this Friday.
Is that okay? No, yeah.
Yes, it is great.
Okay, we'll do that then now soon.
And, um, I just have something I've been postponing for a while that I need to do, but I'll do it now.
- Great.
- Great.
Yea.
I know it.
- Ben? - Uh, okay.
Ben? I need to talk to you.
That was my brother.
He just had a baby girl.
Oh, my God, that's horrible.
Or good--full disclosure.
I didn't listen to what you just said.
I need to talk to you about something-- Okay, well, before you say anything, let me just show you what I got at Doug's Donuts.
It's an L-shaped eclair! The "L" is for Leslie For your name.
Hey.
- How are you? - Bad, really bad.
Oh, God.
How did the breakup go? Well, I started crying because he gave me an eclair.
And then we made out and spent the night together.
But this morning in the cold light of day, I cooked breakfast and we made out some more.
Wow, you opposite-of-broke-up with him.
He gave me an eclair, Ann! Joe, I've determined that the lewd picture was sent by you because you sent it from your personal email address, stinkmaster69@alumni.
sarahlawrencecollege.
edu.
Really? Sarah Lawrence? Yeah.
I wanted a small college experience.
You also bragged about it to many of your co-workers.
There's an old sewage department saying.
"If you've got a nice drainpipe, there's no reason to hide it.
" I doubt that's a saying.
We are terminating you effective immediately.
Is this because you're jealous? No.
It's because you broke the law.
The law of having an amazing package.
Before we have him forcibly removed, you should know this, that one of our female employees, a nurse, examined the photo you sent her-- I bet she did.
And you have the mumps.
You might wanna get that checked.
Sweet.
Someone's got mumps on his lumps.
Up high.
Anyone? Ron isn't here.
His ex-wife Tammy came, and he got scared and ran away.
Well, as acting manager of the Parks Department, I declare that everything you are saying is stupid.
I love you.
Hey, so Tom offered me a job again.
As my manager, what do you think I should do? Well, what do you wanna do? I think it'd be kinda cool to work for Tom.
So take it.
But working at a start-up can be kind of risky.
So don't take it.
But Tom told me to follow my dreams.
So take it.
- But this isn't my dream.
- So don't take it.
- I don't know what to do.
- Me neither.
You give such good advice.
Babe, I love you.
You're welcome.
Ann Perkins! Hey.
Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mumps based on his porn photo? I did! I was so proud of you.
Okay, because now I have everyone in City Hall sending me pictures of their junk, asking me if they have mumps.
Oh, my God.
Your inbox is literally filled with penises.
- Mm-hmm.
- I am so sorry.
Oh, look.
Ed Miller from payroll.
Before I do this, is there any possible way that we could still keep dating? We've attacked this from all angles.
Either you don't run for office-- Which is out of the question.
Or you break up with him and avoid a potential scandal.
- Do you need to get that? - No, it's just penises.
Leslie, I don't want you to break up with him either.
- There's just no other way.
- Yeah.
Just be direct and honest.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hmm.
It's the entire Sanitation Department for Muncie.
Ooh.
Would you like any wine to start? Yes, and I'm gonna be direct and honest with you.
I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.
- I'll have the same.
- Great.
- Okay.
Here's the deal.
- Okay.
- I really, really like you.
- I like you too.
And I think I know what you're gonna say.
- I highly doubt that.
- I think I do.
- Oh, I don't.
- And, um - I got you something.
- No.
What is this? - Is this jewelry? - It's not, just open it.
No.
Oh, I need to go to Another place.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom-- the Whiz Palace, as we like to call it here-- and I'm going to be back and I'm not gonna split.
I'm here for you because we need to talk about stuff.
- Okay? - All right.
Wait-- - Ron.
- What are you doing here? Running away from my problems.
Come on in.
- Ok, so here's what's going on.
- I didn't ask.
Friday, I'm supposed to announce that I'm running for City Council, and I haven't told Ben yet.
I know I said that we broke up, but we couldn't.
We're still dating.
But now I have to break up with him for real, but I don't wanna break up with him because he's so cute.
He's so nice.
If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow.
One, no talk about Tammy one.
Two, no talk about Ben.
Three, no talk.
I didn't even ask you last night.
What is going on with Tammy one? You just violated rules number one and three.
You lose your coffee privileges.
Oh.
Oh, you choose, Knope-- hunting, fishing, or drinking? I'd really love to shoot a gun right now.
Fishing it is.
And so effective immediately, all male employees must stop sending explicit photos to Ms.
Perkins.
If I may, what if based on empirical evidence, I truly believe there's a grave and immediate medical emergency? Were that the case, could I then show you my dong? No.
- That would be harassment.
- Fair enough.
Now completely different scenario.
Let's say I've been watching a lot of women's golf and I've had some wine-- How about this? I'm gonna get a male doctor to come in and do some screenings.
Perfect.
Just as a backup, I'm sending you some photos.
- That will not be necessary.
- That's me.
Brand-new day, brand-new merch.
I got you guys some awesome Entertainment720 stuff.
Donna, this is for you.
Entertainment720 umbrella.
Entertainment720 fly swatters.
Rubik's cube with my face on it.
Breath mints Fireplace bellows.
Anddrum roll please.
Drum roll sound effect key chain.
Shouldn't you be working at your new company, Tom? I am working, April.
I'm making high-level network contacts.
You think Bethenny Frankel sits behind a desk all day? She makes $100 million a year.
How much you make a year? $101 million.
Well, I, for one, am happy to see Tom.
Thanks, Jerry! Here.
Have an umbrella and some breath strips.
Whoa.
All right, enough chitchat, everyone.
- Please get back to work.
- You're not our boss.
- What'd you just say to me? - Ma'am.
Sodid you get a chance to think about my offer? Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about what you said.
I wanna do my dreams, but I just don't think my dream is working for a company that puts logos on stuff.
That's not my company does.
Although, maybe we'll start.
Hey, what you think? Donnathat looks great.
I could do without this one.
So running for office.
Now I'm gonna have to find a replacement for you.
- I might not win.
- You'll win.
- I might not run.
- You should.
What's our plan here, Knope? I figure we build a fire, roast the fish we shot, and make s'mores.
I don't have the material for s'mores.
I do.
I always carry emergency s'more rations in my car.
Given your hunting abilities and my chocolate supply, I figure we could stay up here for twothree years.
You know, when I was 12, my brother shot me in the pinky toe with a nail gun.
Granted, it was a hilarious prank, and we all had a good laugh.
That's awful.
But I avoided going to the doctor.
I hate paperwork.
After a few weeks, the toe just kinda fell off.
You only have nine toes? I have the toes I have.
Let's just leave it at that.
The point is the doctor said if I had come in right away, they might've saved the toe.
You can't run away from your problems.
Especially if you only have nine toes.
Sorry.
That was uncalled for.
I'm Ron Swanson.
And you're Leslie [bleep.]
Knope.
You with me? Well, what is your dream? It's to be the biggest rock star on the planet obviously.
But that could take another Don't get me wrong.
Shoe shining has been a been a pretty wild ride.
But is it possible there's something more out there for me? Andy, there's tons of stuff you can do.
I'll help you figure it out.
- Really? - Yes.
One year from now, you, Andy Dwyer, will no longer be a shoe shinist.
Kyle, beat it.
I wanna make out with my wife now.
But you've only done half of one of my shoes.
Here.
Now I haven't done anything.
Scram, kid.
- Hello.
- Hey, Ron! Welcome-- Stop.
First order of business.
I promised Leslie I'd hire her a new assistant so the department doesn't completely shut down while she runs for office.
- You're running for office? - Yeah, City Council.
- Leslie, that is great.
- Thank you.
Will you pledge right now not to raise taxes? - I think that's premature.
- No pledge, no vote.
The point is she needs an assistant.
- Start asking around-- - Hire Andy.
- Andy can do it.
- Sure, yeah.
Done.
Andy, you are now Leslie's assistant.
Honey.
No-- Leslie, I'm gonna work my ass off for you.
I'll do anything you ask me.
I will prove myself.
You don't even have to pay me.
No, honey, no.
Tomorrow, there will be a 300-page orientation booklet as well as a dozen homemade cookies in the shape of your face.
But today There's something else I have to do.
If any of you need anything at all, too bad.
Deal with your problems yourselves like adults.
I'll be in my office, waiting for Tammy one.
You want me to find her? There's no need.
She'll find me.
She has the tracking ability and body odor of a bloodhound.
Okay, so now you're sure that everything is okay, you know, down there? You're perfectly healthy.
That man has the largest penis I have ever seen.
I actually don't even know if he has mumps.
Forgot to look.
I was distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen.
I know I've been acting really weird lately, and, um, I really like you.
What I'm about to say is gonna contradict the idea that I really like you, but that won't change-- So just open the box.
Please stop bringing out the box, okay? - Leslie-- - You're being really nice, and what I'm about to say is gonna make you hate me.
Okay, then I'll just open the box for you.
Wow.
You knew? I figured it out a while ago.
I'm sorry.
I should've told you I knew.
But I just--I wanted this to last as long as possible.
We have to break up.
Why? Why do we have to break up? Well, Leslie, everything you've accomplished, you have earned and you have worked for.
I don't want anyone to think that you got where you are today by sleeping with your boss.
But I really like sleeping with my boss.
YeahYeah.
Okay, look.
I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
Um, it's not you, it's me.
I'm not ready for a commitment.
I just don't like you anymore.
I know it's hard to hear that, but You're boring, and frankly you disgust me.
Echh! How did you figure it out? Leslie, there was a dude in the ladies' yacht club.
Yeah, but I covered that pretty well.
Also, you've been making campaign speeches in your sleep.
Granted, you always do that, but they got really specific and moving.
Did I have a good opening line? It was simple, but I liked it.
Friends, honored guests, Pawneeans.
I am Leslie Knope, and I am running for City Council.
- Hello, Tammy.
- Ronald.
That's enough small talk.
What do you want? You remember what I do for a living, I trust? Yes.
You ruin people's lives.
You're being audited, Ronald.
I don't care.
Then why is your mustache trembling? I'm here as a friend.
Call it nostalgia.
Or perhaps guilt for all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep.
- I don't need your help.
- Wrong.
You do.
But as you're so fond of saying, it's a free country.
Good luck.
I hope you don't go to jail.
Sit up straight.
You're not doing your breast any favors.
Thank you.
Hi.
Your breasts are amazing.