Please Like Me (2013) s04e01 Episode Script
Baba Ganoush
1 Previously on Please Like Me (PHONE CHIMES) Josh, uh, it's your dad.
Fuck, Josh.
Fuck.
Call me! I think Mum tried to kill herself.
- You think? - Why why would she wanna do that? I can't be her carer.
I don't even know how to care for myself.
I never floss.
I can't move back in with her, we're divorced.
Am I mental? Apparently she can't be alone and I'm all she's got.
Josh I wanna talk to you about something.
- I think we should break up.
- No - Josh, you're probably gay.
- I'm not.
You made out with Geoffrey, and we're just ignoring the fact - that Geoffrey's a man? - Yes.
I just don't want you to think that you can't talk to me about gay stuff.
Josh's mother and I always thought that he was gay.
Josh is gay.
I'm his boyfriend.
Surprise.
Tom and I made out.
No! You poor thing.
Did you know that we've been friends since we - were 10? - Yes.
What do you think that 10 year old you would think about you if he if he could see you now? Every party we just end up standing alone together.
Why do we bother? Why do we all suck at relationships? Well, you know what, it's okay not to be okay, right? - Come on.
- Don't touch me.
Please stop touching me.
She's your sister.
She loves you.
I'm just intimidated by, like, her - blank judgemental face.
- Oh, rubbish.
I don't think I even been in a room with a baby and no adults before.
Hi, everybody! I have quit the drugs.
You don't have to worry about me anymore.
Oh, Joshy, please.
Please let me come home, please.
- I checked my mum into a mental home.
- No way, I'm mental.
- Oh, wow.
- This is the hospital your mum's at, yeah? I didn't I didn't realise.
- This is my mum, ah, Hannah.
- We're all crazy.
It's kind of the point.
Mum, Dad, I have a boyfriend.
Josh.
I knew.
I read your diary.
For fuck's sake, Bruce! - Why would you slap his croquembouche? - Oh, croquembouche! - I'm getting let out.
- You did it! - Yes! - Let's just get out of this place, - Hannah.
Come, stay in my spare room.
- Sure.
- Victory! - Argh! [Laughter.]
- We're young, we're hot.
- You think we're hot?! - Hi, I'm Ella.
- Tom.
Josh.
Arnold.
- Are you two monogamous? - We haven't discussed yet.
Ooh, tension.
You want to go and have sex with other boys? I would never replace time with you for time with that other boy.
I think this sounds like a shit deal for me.
You know I have nothing on.
If I find someone better than you than that's just tough.
(ENYA'S ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS) Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away, sail away From the north to the south Ebudae into Khartoum From the deep sea of clouds to the island of the moon Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never seen Hey, Josh, Josh, Josh! This is Kyle.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
This is my boyfriend.
(ALL SING ALONG) Sail away, sail away, sail away - We kissed.
- Oh! - Should we kiss? - Oh, we don't have to.
I'm not so busy.
Oh, girls.
That's enough of that shit.
One, two A-one, two, three, four Ooh Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooh - Oh, yeah - Ooh Oh, the good Lord knows it - Ooh - Oh, the good Lord knows it - Ooh - I left better behind to be fine Yeah, yeah Make my mamma turn another blind eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind to be fine.
Arnold trapped this boy for us, and I want you to see him.
Oh, I thought you were a robber.
I'm not a robber.
I'm Kyle.
He is a robber, come to steal our hearts.
- Turn the light on.
I can't see him.
- No.
Oh, Kyle, you're so dreamy! You're like an actual dream.
You definitely like Arnold more than Josh.
No.
No.
I feel like maybe he did at first, but then I was very funny in the taxi.
Was he funny in the taxi? - You weren't funny.
- Yeah, he was funny.
Has anyone shown this kid some hospitality? Has anyone offered you some tea or something? He doesn't want tea.
Are you sure? I'd like some tea.
- Oh, no, I'm good.
- Please go.
Yes.
It's weird, because I don't want to be in the threesome, but I do feel very left out.
You can do your own sex.
Oh! (SCOFFS) - This is no way to live.
- Goodnight.
I'm just going to get John out because sometimes he can be such a little creep.
Can't you, buddy? - Keep John innocent.
- Jonathan Taylor Thomas! That's not his name.
Oh! (GROANING) Just a little just a little thirsty.
They can only see each other.
I thought maybe one of you could stand in there and see if they notice? - Maybe it's just not your turn yet.
- You're so impatient.
What have you been doing? Well, I tried to wriggle in the middle, but that was hard.
So then I lay there alone and nobody noticed.
So then I stood in the hallway and waited for my erection to go down.
And then I came in here.
- Would you like a hug? - No.
Gross, don't touch him.
He has sex on him.
No, he doesn't, Tom.
Have you even been listening? I mean, I just I just can never get used to your underarm hair.
- Don't, Josh.
- I know, I know, I know! But it's just very When I see it, I just feel very yuck.
Please do not make me angry at you when you have got nowhere else to go.
I'm on board, you know, I love feminism, you know.
I basically am feminism.
Just absolutely don't believe you.
I will never open a door for you.
- Never.
Not ever.
- Stroke it.
I wouldn't stroke it smooth and it won't stroke it hairy.
Josh, I really just think you need to stroke it.
Yeah, I mean, I really I really, like, literally thought I was gonna spend this time having a threesome.
You're thinking too much.
Just go back in there with your eyes closed and follow your instincts.
Oh, please, where did my instincts ever get us? That time you said that the beach wouldn't be fun, and it wasn't fun.
Where did you go? Why did you leave? I just started to feel a bit creepy, just staring.
Don't be silly.
I thought you must have been feeling sick or something.
Nope.
I was talking to Ella about her underarm hair.
- Where's Kyle? - He's in the shower.
Oh, no.
This is just going to be so hard to explain why you left.
That's such a weird thing to do, Josh.
Hey.
Sorry, we finished without you.
Where did you go? I was feeling sick.
Yep, I was just feeling just real sick.
Oh, really? That's no good.
I've got a bit of a flu at the moment as well.
- It must be going around.
- Yeah.
You're probably sick too.
That's it.
- Hey, do you want my Facebook? - Oh, I don't have Facebook.
Okay.
Well, my car's here, so - Bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Bye.
You really should get vaccinated, you know.
The flu might not seem like such a big deal to you, but then you could become a carrier, and if you hang out with your grandma or say, an infant, then they might die.
Yeah.
Can you please turn the light off? - Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I've done a bad thing, haven't I? I existed and then you got naked with a boy and then I didn't exist.
No.
No, no, no, you exist.
- Look, see? - I do.
I do.
I do exist.
Please, please, don't be mad.
I was so drunk.
As far as I remember, I wasn't there either.
I'm not mad.
I got to see him naked.
And I'm just going to accept that as a win.
Oh, no.
Your feelings are hurt.
I feel like I can see your feelings.
Feelings aren't hurt, I promise you.
It's not surprising to find out that somebody is more attracted to you than they are to me.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hm.
I mean, you're allowed to be mad at me about this.
I'm not mad.
It's not your fault.
I've been trying to be more attractive, but it's just so hard, you know, because of my genetics.
- Your genetics are heaven.
- Genetics are ISIS.
Well, sign me up then.
- Do you regret saying that? - Yes.
Very much.
Where are you? Why aren't you here? I'm home alone and I don't like it.
I'm going to Mum's house because she begged me and then after that I'm going to have dinner with Arnold's parents and Dad and May.
It's the first time I have seen Arnold's dad since he got angry that Arnold was gay and smashed a croquembouche to the ground.
I was talking about this quite a bit, actually.
We looked his dad up on Facebook, it's a big whole thing.
We spoke about it a lot.
It is big and memorable.
Oh, yes.
I had some things I wanted to say about that.
Of course.
I keep having thoughts at night and I get anxious because I've got no one to share them with.
- So, I started writing them down.
- Okay.
Oh.
I think Arnold's dad might be gay.
He dresses so well.
He doesn't dress well, he just dresses expensive.
He dresses better than your dad.
I just don't want you to think that I think that my dad dresses well, but he absolutely 100% dresses better than Arnold's dad.
Don't argue, Josh.
It's too nice a day.
If I had a choice of going to this dinner or eating poop, I would absolutely, of course, pick the dinner.
But I would pause a little bit before deciding.
Oh, it's frustrating to think about all the other thoughts that I had that I forgot to write down.
- No, no, it isn't.
- Aren't you curious why I called? You had a thought, you looked around, there was no one there to share it with, so you thought, "Oh, I'll call Josh and tell him.
" I bought gluten-free bread.
And it's delicious.
Actually delicious.
I mean, I just cannot believe that is true.
Hi, Ma.
I've got to go, okay? I'm at Mum's house.
It's too soon, I've got more thoughts on the bread.
Bye.
Hey, Ma.
Hey, Hannah.
I'm here.
I'm glad you're here, Josh.
Look, do you want any of these bears? - Otherwise I'm throwing them out.
- What? - You're throwing away my teddy bears? - When are you ever playing with them? Well, obviously I'm never playing with them, but those are like childhood memories and shit.
Your childhood is over, lovey.
Yeah, real men don't have memories, Josh.
When was the last time you ate off these plates? - I'm going to throw out these plates.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Look, I can't have bears in the house, Josh.
People are gonna think I'm attracting children or something.
What people? I've never seen a person here.
Me! I'm a person.
Look, do you want to take them or not? What? We used to have little tea parties with these, do you remember that? Oh, we never did that.
That must have been a movie you saw.
Now, let me throw them away.
- It just all feels very sudden.
- What? I thought we might give them to your kids one day, but obviously you don't want to do that.
Well, don't you want to remember my childhood? Not really, no.
All of a sudden, I'm Andy in Toy Story 3.
Today, Josh.
I want this sorted today.
I am finishing this chore today.
Geronimo, Geronimo, they're falling like they're dominoes Please believe it and let that be the reason Geronimo, Geronimo, they're falling like they're dominoes Sight beat the world we shall see Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh La-la la la-la Geronimo, Geronimo These girls are falling dominoes They, they call me dynamo But I be yelling vamonos So you 'bout to undergo Daenerys in a Game of Thrones No, I'm not no common hoe Slip sliding down a rabbit hole What? And they be slain I slay these bitches double Dutch And they be slain I slay these bitches, so what's up? Jump All around, jump Up and down, jump Now make your booty bounce Booty bounce Now make your booty bounce Do-wa do-wa, do-wa do-wa Do-wa do-wa Hi, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I caught the bus.
I'm an idiot.
- I'm too much of a risk taker.
- You're 45 minutes late.
- I'm here now.
- I saved you an espresso Martini, Josh.
- Thank you, May.
I love you.
- Hello, Josh.
- Hello, Donna.
You're looking good.
- Stop flirting.
- Bruce.
- Josh.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
Good to see you again, mate.
Good we can put things behind us, eh? Oh, now Bruce is flirting.
What the hell is that? Mum has decided to throw out all my old toys today.
Very urgently, apparently.
Your teddy bears? What's she throwing those out for? - What are they? - Josh's teddy bears.
Did you guys not bring your bears today? I just want to take a moment here to make sure that everyone knows Josh has never, ever brought his teddy bears anywhere, ever.
You like bears, do you, Josh? No.
They're, like they're, like, from when I was like 5.
Yeah, Arnold never liked toys.
Yes, I did.
I liked toys.
May, we should give them to Grace.
Oh, no.
Grace can't have it.
It's dirty.
They aren't dirty, are they, May? Let's not He always makes sure to wash his bears before he takes them out to a nice dinner.
See, your mother should ask me about stuff like this.
I'm going to call her tomorrow.
Alan, you don't share custody of teddy bears, okay? You should keep them then, Josh, for your kids.
- I'm not having kids, Dad.
- (Donna) Bravo.
Grace would like him, wouldn't she? Oh, Grace prefers cats.
No, she doesn't.
She's not a cat person.
She's not anything yet.
We're not cat people, May.
Okay.
But we are not also bad people, huh.
Promise me you won't throw them out.
- I'm not going to.
- Oh, no.
- You really like them, don't you? - Yeah, they're my (Donna) Arnold wouldn't understand.
Yeah, you keep your bears, mate.
Thanks, Bruce.
So, I'm standing there, and I don't even know this man.
But I just keep nodding, you know? She'd never even met him.
- Yeah.
- He thought she was someone else.
Yeah, and then he said he says to me, "So what ever happened to Mike?" This is hilarious.
And I don't know why I did it, but I just panicked and then I blurt out of nowhere, "Mike died!" Jesus.
- Why did you say that? - I don't know! It just came out.
I don't know.
So then, anyway, he says, "Oh, I am so sorry.
"It must be awful.
" And then he actually started crying.
- (LAUGHS) - He was very upset! I guess I thought it would be funny to say it but then, well, I guess I just felt bad.
I bet you did.
- Then what happened? - That's it.
I thought there was something after that? No.
- Poor bloke.
He must have felt awful.
- I hope he's okay.
Yeah.
Arnold, what's your brother up tonight? Why would I know that? Nothing, probably, or drinking or pretending to be a lesbian on Tinder to trick lesbians into talking sex with him.
No, it would be really good to get him to meet Alan and May before he shoots off.
Alan, you and Steve, you would hit it off.
- Wouldn't they, Don? - Oh! - Where's he going? - Oh, no, thanks, love.
- Steve got a job.
- Wow, I didn't hear about this.
Yeah.
Dad got Steve a job in Singapore.
- Good on Steve.
- Wow, that sounds impressive.
- Yeah.
And very good coin.
- That's quite good.
Steve's doing quite well, isn't he? Oh, we're all thrilled.
Shocked, but thrilled.
- Are you thrilled, Arnold? - Yep.
Yeah? You must be very proud of him.
- Yeah, it's great.
- It's a bit weird you didn't tell me.
- I did tell you.
- Did you? I think I would have remembered such good news.
I definitely I definitely told you.
(LAUGHTER) Arnold, are you still hungry? Do you want anything else? No, I'm fine.
I'm fine, thanks, May.
Look at him, just furious.
Josh, stop it.
No, he's always been a little bit jealous of his older brother.
I'm not jealous.
What's so incredible about Singapore? He'll be making a lot of money.
Just raking it in, drinking cognac and playing golf, and being on various boats.
What? I just want to hear you say that you're happy for your brother.
- I did.
- Did you, though? Yeah, of course I'm fucking happy for my dumb fucking brother.
Just ease up, Arnold.
(Donna) Well, apparently the average penis in shorter now.
Yeah, it's only about six inches.
Well, they say it's 5.
17 now.
- (May) How long is that? - Oh.
I mean, I don't know how it got smaller, or did we just get better at keeping men honest? (LAUGHS) That generation just finds sex things so fucking funny.
I reckon Internet porn ruined that for us.
It's nice.
They're having fun.
- Are you mad at me? - I'm fine.
I mean, it's just you're being quite awful.
- I'm being awful? - Yeah.
- What was that inside? - I was just playing.
I'm a fun guy, remember? I just don't know why you always have to make fun of me.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- No.
Josh, Josh.
- Hey.
Sweet pea.
- They'll see us.
- They're not going to see us here.
Just kiss me on the mouth.
Come over here.
I don't want to kiss with my parents watching.
Hey? Oh! Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Fuck.
Shit.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, is everything okay, Bruce? Yeah, no, I just just disturbed the boys having a bit of a cuddle, that's all.
It's going to take him months to repress that.
- Come on.
- You never listen to me, Josh.
You make fun of me all the time and now you think I'm awful.
- I didn't say you were awful.
- You literally just said it.
- I said you were being awful.
- You're humiliating me.
You used to think I was a fun, nice guy.
And if I overstepped the mark, you'd give me the benefit of the doubt.
- But now - Trouble in paradise.
It's reassuring to know that gay people are as miserable as we are.
(LAUGHS) Do you know how tiring it is being teased all the time? All the time? You used to follow me around the house like John, but now you don't even notice if I leave in the middle of a threesome.
Are you actually mad about the Kyle thing, or are you just saying that to make me feel bad? - It's a pretty weird thing to do.
- I understand that I'm weird, Josh.
I'm a very fucking weird guy.
But I would like to know if my boyfriend is upset.
- Everyone's listening.
- You always do this.
You say you don't care and then you hold onto it to win a bigger argument later.
It's so manipulative.
You put your feelings on credit and make me pay for them later.
That's a weird little analogy you've been working on there.
I mean, why couldn't you be honest this morning? I was trying to keep the peace, but now that I know you're not interested in keeping the peace, I'm trying to win.
It's not my fault Kyle didn't want to have sex with you.
Maybe if you weren't so obnoxious to the taxi driver.
Josh is right, we can all hear you.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm just gonna let what you just said slide.
You're doing it again.
Okay.
- I don't want to go inside.
- No.
- Let's just get it over with.
- Yeah.
Mm.
(PHONE RINGS) - Hi.
- Are we friends anymore? - This is a bit much.
- I know.
- I've just been very busy.
- Yeah? I've also been busy.
Do you think I haven't been busy? I've just been very busy, okay.
Working and, like, with living.
Like, living heaps, actually.
Hey, goji berries are stupid, yeah? Like, they're no better than any other dried fruit.
All superfoods are just normal foods with a better narrative.
See, Josh also can't understand how a physicist could be fooled into thinking that goji berries are magic.
- Hi, Warren.
- I'm not passing that on.
He's annoying me right now.
Maybe you just don't like me anymore.
That's fine.
That's understandable.
Okay, I've never really liked me.
Do you really need me to say that I like you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I like you.
Did Tom do something creepy? Is that what this is? I can see you without Tom there, if that's what you need.
No, Tom hasn't been a part of my decision-making for like two years.
I've just been hanging out with Warren.
He lives next to a park.
It's very shady.
Warren is literally the most horrible name.
What are you doing this week? I just could not imagine kissing a Warren.
- Let's hang out this week.
- No.
You don't want to.
You'll cancel and forget.
Honestly, it's fine.
We can get best friend forever tattoos.
Okay.
I don't need you, you know? There's a lot of girls out there looking for a gay best friend.
See? No one else gets to talk to me like that.
When we're 50, we'll have dinner and we'll laugh and everything will be exactly the same as it's always been.
Meanwhile, I can't figure out if Arnold hates me or if I hate Arnold, so - Honey? I need a towel.
- I have to go.
- Of course.
Bye.
- Bye.
What have you made? Chocolate quinoa slice.
You made a special gluten-free treat? That's pretty cute.
Oh, my God.
- Is it all right? - It is so delicious.
Why are you being weird? Okay, I need you to eat that slice while I talk for a bit.
Okay.
Okay, I've been kind of annoyed ever since you moved in.
And I think it's because when it was just Josh and me, I didn't care if I was a good person or not.
But now you've moved in and I've started noticing just how far I've let that slip.
I've started noticing lots of things, like I'm always slouching.
I constantly look like I've just lost custody of the kids.
I've never bought shampoo.
Always Josh's.
No idea what I look like without extra volume.
I am not enrolled to vote.
And I am way too friendly with that guy at 7-Eleven.
And I'm panicking now because I want to be a better person for you, but I don't know how to do that while I'm living with a friend who prefers it if I'm shit.
So, what I'm asking you is if you would like to move out with me, but it is a bad idea and you should eat that slice rather than answering, thank you.
- Um.
- What are you doing? Why are you talking? You don't need to talk.
- Gosh.
- You don't need to talk at all.
- Tom.
- Don't talk.
- Tom.
- Be quiet.
- No.
- No, you don't need to.
Tom! Yes! Yeah.
Yeah, good.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay.
Wow.
Well, that's good news.
(BARKING) When? (DOOR CLOSES) - I don't know.
- (Josh) Hello, friends! Josh! We're moving out.
We literally just had that conversation, literally just before you walked in the door.
Oh, no, I have had it up to here with things.
This is not a whole big thing, though.
It is a big thing, isn't it? You two are moving out.
This little world that we've created is dead.
And now I have to create a whole new little world and that just That seems like a pretty big thing.
Here you go, buddy.
I don't like it when you put it like that, do I? When you say this little world is dead.
You guys are going to go and have a baby and you're gonna stop being friends with me.
Whoa, whoa! We're not having a baby.
Absolutely, absolutely, you're going to get pregnant, because you're lousy with condoms, and you're going to realise that your whole life has been building up to what's really important, which is your baby.
Matilda.
Probably Matilda.
What am I gonna have? We're not going to stop being friends with you if we have a baby.
Absolutely, 100% you would.
How many times have you heard people say that? "What are we going to talk about after you have a baby? Your baby?" I don't wanna talk about your baby.
We are literally having zero babies, so It will give you and Arnold more space.
- I think Arnold hates me.
- Arnold doesn't hate you, Josh.
I'm sick of things ending.
Like, it's sad how Harry Potter finished.
It's awful to think about how Leonardo DiCaprio isn't hot anymore.
I was never hot.
He was so hot and now he is just normal.
That same shift is going to happen to me, but I never started hot.
- Where's the baba ganoush? - In the bin.
- It was off.
- I never got to taste it.
Now I have to buy new dip.
It's just another thing! Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't have a baby.
I don't want to have a baby.
The problem here isn't me not being able to have a baby, it's everybody else having to have a baby.
That's the next big thing.
That's the new frontier for people our age.
What have I got left? Nothing.
I've tried everything good.
I've tried everything good.
Life is meant to get boring as you get older so it's not so disappointing when you die.
I read ketamine is the next big drug.
Ketamine.
It's horse tranquilliser.
I'm going to be another single mid-30s homosexual, high on ketamine with just so much spare money and then I'm going to buy myself a beach house and then that's going to go underwater because on top of every other nice thing, weather is ending too.
- I feel sick.
- Don't make it worse.
Talking about things doesn't help.
I don't like this slice.
Fuck, Josh.
Fuck.
Call me! I think Mum tried to kill herself.
- You think? - Why why would she wanna do that? I can't be her carer.
I don't even know how to care for myself.
I never floss.
I can't move back in with her, we're divorced.
Am I mental? Apparently she can't be alone and I'm all she's got.
Josh I wanna talk to you about something.
- I think we should break up.
- No - Josh, you're probably gay.
- I'm not.
You made out with Geoffrey, and we're just ignoring the fact - that Geoffrey's a man? - Yes.
I just don't want you to think that you can't talk to me about gay stuff.
Josh's mother and I always thought that he was gay.
Josh is gay.
I'm his boyfriend.
Surprise.
Tom and I made out.
No! You poor thing.
Did you know that we've been friends since we - were 10? - Yes.
What do you think that 10 year old you would think about you if he if he could see you now? Every party we just end up standing alone together.
Why do we bother? Why do we all suck at relationships? Well, you know what, it's okay not to be okay, right? - Come on.
- Don't touch me.
Please stop touching me.
She's your sister.
She loves you.
I'm just intimidated by, like, her - blank judgemental face.
- Oh, rubbish.
I don't think I even been in a room with a baby and no adults before.
Hi, everybody! I have quit the drugs.
You don't have to worry about me anymore.
Oh, Joshy, please.
Please let me come home, please.
- I checked my mum into a mental home.
- No way, I'm mental.
- Oh, wow.
- This is the hospital your mum's at, yeah? I didn't I didn't realise.
- This is my mum, ah, Hannah.
- We're all crazy.
It's kind of the point.
Mum, Dad, I have a boyfriend.
Josh.
I knew.
I read your diary.
For fuck's sake, Bruce! - Why would you slap his croquembouche? - Oh, croquembouche! - I'm getting let out.
- You did it! - Yes! - Let's just get out of this place, - Hannah.
Come, stay in my spare room.
- Sure.
- Victory! - Argh! [Laughter.]
- We're young, we're hot.
- You think we're hot?! - Hi, I'm Ella.
- Tom.
Josh.
Arnold.
- Are you two monogamous? - We haven't discussed yet.
Ooh, tension.
You want to go and have sex with other boys? I would never replace time with you for time with that other boy.
I think this sounds like a shit deal for me.
You know I have nothing on.
If I find someone better than you than that's just tough.
(ENYA'S ORINOCO FLOW PLAYS) Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away, sail away, sail away From the north to the south Ebudae into Khartoum From the deep sea of clouds to the island of the moon Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never seen Hey, Josh, Josh, Josh! This is Kyle.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
This is my boyfriend.
(ALL SING ALONG) Sail away, sail away, sail away - We kissed.
- Oh! - Should we kiss? - Oh, we don't have to.
I'm not so busy.
Oh, girls.
That's enough of that shit.
One, two A-one, two, three, four Ooh Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooh - Oh, yeah - Ooh Oh, the good Lord knows it - Ooh - Oh, the good Lord knows it - Ooh - I left better behind to be fine Yeah, yeah Make my mamma turn another blind eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind to be fine.
Arnold trapped this boy for us, and I want you to see him.
Oh, I thought you were a robber.
I'm not a robber.
I'm Kyle.
He is a robber, come to steal our hearts.
- Turn the light on.
I can't see him.
- No.
Oh, Kyle, you're so dreamy! You're like an actual dream.
You definitely like Arnold more than Josh.
No.
No.
I feel like maybe he did at first, but then I was very funny in the taxi.
Was he funny in the taxi? - You weren't funny.
- Yeah, he was funny.
Has anyone shown this kid some hospitality? Has anyone offered you some tea or something? He doesn't want tea.
Are you sure? I'd like some tea.
- Oh, no, I'm good.
- Please go.
Yes.
It's weird, because I don't want to be in the threesome, but I do feel very left out.
You can do your own sex.
Oh! (SCOFFS) - This is no way to live.
- Goodnight.
I'm just going to get John out because sometimes he can be such a little creep.
Can't you, buddy? - Keep John innocent.
- Jonathan Taylor Thomas! That's not his name.
Oh! (GROANING) Just a little just a little thirsty.
They can only see each other.
I thought maybe one of you could stand in there and see if they notice? - Maybe it's just not your turn yet.
- You're so impatient.
What have you been doing? Well, I tried to wriggle in the middle, but that was hard.
So then I lay there alone and nobody noticed.
So then I stood in the hallway and waited for my erection to go down.
And then I came in here.
- Would you like a hug? - No.
Gross, don't touch him.
He has sex on him.
No, he doesn't, Tom.
Have you even been listening? I mean, I just I just can never get used to your underarm hair.
- Don't, Josh.
- I know, I know, I know! But it's just very When I see it, I just feel very yuck.
Please do not make me angry at you when you have got nowhere else to go.
I'm on board, you know, I love feminism, you know.
I basically am feminism.
Just absolutely don't believe you.
I will never open a door for you.
- Never.
Not ever.
- Stroke it.
I wouldn't stroke it smooth and it won't stroke it hairy.
Josh, I really just think you need to stroke it.
Yeah, I mean, I really I really, like, literally thought I was gonna spend this time having a threesome.
You're thinking too much.
Just go back in there with your eyes closed and follow your instincts.
Oh, please, where did my instincts ever get us? That time you said that the beach wouldn't be fun, and it wasn't fun.
Where did you go? Why did you leave? I just started to feel a bit creepy, just staring.
Don't be silly.
I thought you must have been feeling sick or something.
Nope.
I was talking to Ella about her underarm hair.
- Where's Kyle? - He's in the shower.
Oh, no.
This is just going to be so hard to explain why you left.
That's such a weird thing to do, Josh.
Hey.
Sorry, we finished without you.
Where did you go? I was feeling sick.
Yep, I was just feeling just real sick.
Oh, really? That's no good.
I've got a bit of a flu at the moment as well.
- It must be going around.
- Yeah.
You're probably sick too.
That's it.
- Hey, do you want my Facebook? - Oh, I don't have Facebook.
Okay.
Well, my car's here, so - Bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Bye.
You really should get vaccinated, you know.
The flu might not seem like such a big deal to you, but then you could become a carrier, and if you hang out with your grandma or say, an infant, then they might die.
Yeah.
Can you please turn the light off? - Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I've done a bad thing, haven't I? I existed and then you got naked with a boy and then I didn't exist.
No.
No, no, no, you exist.
- Look, see? - I do.
I do.
I do exist.
Please, please, don't be mad.
I was so drunk.
As far as I remember, I wasn't there either.
I'm not mad.
I got to see him naked.
And I'm just going to accept that as a win.
Oh, no.
Your feelings are hurt.
I feel like I can see your feelings.
Feelings aren't hurt, I promise you.
It's not surprising to find out that somebody is more attracted to you than they are to me.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hm.
I mean, you're allowed to be mad at me about this.
I'm not mad.
It's not your fault.
I've been trying to be more attractive, but it's just so hard, you know, because of my genetics.
- Your genetics are heaven.
- Genetics are ISIS.
Well, sign me up then.
- Do you regret saying that? - Yes.
Very much.
Where are you? Why aren't you here? I'm home alone and I don't like it.
I'm going to Mum's house because she begged me and then after that I'm going to have dinner with Arnold's parents and Dad and May.
It's the first time I have seen Arnold's dad since he got angry that Arnold was gay and smashed a croquembouche to the ground.
I was talking about this quite a bit, actually.
We looked his dad up on Facebook, it's a big whole thing.
We spoke about it a lot.
It is big and memorable.
Oh, yes.
I had some things I wanted to say about that.
Of course.
I keep having thoughts at night and I get anxious because I've got no one to share them with.
- So, I started writing them down.
- Okay.
Oh.
I think Arnold's dad might be gay.
He dresses so well.
He doesn't dress well, he just dresses expensive.
He dresses better than your dad.
I just don't want you to think that I think that my dad dresses well, but he absolutely 100% dresses better than Arnold's dad.
Don't argue, Josh.
It's too nice a day.
If I had a choice of going to this dinner or eating poop, I would absolutely, of course, pick the dinner.
But I would pause a little bit before deciding.
Oh, it's frustrating to think about all the other thoughts that I had that I forgot to write down.
- No, no, it isn't.
- Aren't you curious why I called? You had a thought, you looked around, there was no one there to share it with, so you thought, "Oh, I'll call Josh and tell him.
" I bought gluten-free bread.
And it's delicious.
Actually delicious.
I mean, I just cannot believe that is true.
Hi, Ma.
I've got to go, okay? I'm at Mum's house.
It's too soon, I've got more thoughts on the bread.
Bye.
Hey, Ma.
Hey, Hannah.
I'm here.
I'm glad you're here, Josh.
Look, do you want any of these bears? - Otherwise I'm throwing them out.
- What? - You're throwing away my teddy bears? - When are you ever playing with them? Well, obviously I'm never playing with them, but those are like childhood memories and shit.
Your childhood is over, lovey.
Yeah, real men don't have memories, Josh.
When was the last time you ate off these plates? - I'm going to throw out these plates.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Look, I can't have bears in the house, Josh.
People are gonna think I'm attracting children or something.
What people? I've never seen a person here.
Me! I'm a person.
Look, do you want to take them or not? What? We used to have little tea parties with these, do you remember that? Oh, we never did that.
That must have been a movie you saw.
Now, let me throw them away.
- It just all feels very sudden.
- What? I thought we might give them to your kids one day, but obviously you don't want to do that.
Well, don't you want to remember my childhood? Not really, no.
All of a sudden, I'm Andy in Toy Story 3.
Today, Josh.
I want this sorted today.
I am finishing this chore today.
Geronimo, Geronimo, they're falling like they're dominoes Please believe it and let that be the reason Geronimo, Geronimo, they're falling like they're dominoes Sight beat the world we shall see Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh La-la la la-la Geronimo, Geronimo These girls are falling dominoes They, they call me dynamo But I be yelling vamonos So you 'bout to undergo Daenerys in a Game of Thrones No, I'm not no common hoe Slip sliding down a rabbit hole What? And they be slain I slay these bitches double Dutch And they be slain I slay these bitches, so what's up? Jump All around, jump Up and down, jump Now make your booty bounce Booty bounce Now make your booty bounce Do-wa do-wa, do-wa do-wa Do-wa do-wa Hi, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I caught the bus.
I'm an idiot.
- I'm too much of a risk taker.
- You're 45 minutes late.
- I'm here now.
- I saved you an espresso Martini, Josh.
- Thank you, May.
I love you.
- Hello, Josh.
- Hello, Donna.
You're looking good.
- Stop flirting.
- Bruce.
- Josh.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
Good to see you again, mate.
Good we can put things behind us, eh? Oh, now Bruce is flirting.
What the hell is that? Mum has decided to throw out all my old toys today.
Very urgently, apparently.
Your teddy bears? What's she throwing those out for? - What are they? - Josh's teddy bears.
Did you guys not bring your bears today? I just want to take a moment here to make sure that everyone knows Josh has never, ever brought his teddy bears anywhere, ever.
You like bears, do you, Josh? No.
They're, like they're, like, from when I was like 5.
Yeah, Arnold never liked toys.
Yes, I did.
I liked toys.
May, we should give them to Grace.
Oh, no.
Grace can't have it.
It's dirty.
They aren't dirty, are they, May? Let's not He always makes sure to wash his bears before he takes them out to a nice dinner.
See, your mother should ask me about stuff like this.
I'm going to call her tomorrow.
Alan, you don't share custody of teddy bears, okay? You should keep them then, Josh, for your kids.
- I'm not having kids, Dad.
- (Donna) Bravo.
Grace would like him, wouldn't she? Oh, Grace prefers cats.
No, she doesn't.
She's not a cat person.
She's not anything yet.
We're not cat people, May.
Okay.
But we are not also bad people, huh.
Promise me you won't throw them out.
- I'm not going to.
- Oh, no.
- You really like them, don't you? - Yeah, they're my (Donna) Arnold wouldn't understand.
Yeah, you keep your bears, mate.
Thanks, Bruce.
So, I'm standing there, and I don't even know this man.
But I just keep nodding, you know? She'd never even met him.
- Yeah.
- He thought she was someone else.
Yeah, and then he said he says to me, "So what ever happened to Mike?" This is hilarious.
And I don't know why I did it, but I just panicked and then I blurt out of nowhere, "Mike died!" Jesus.
- Why did you say that? - I don't know! It just came out.
I don't know.
So then, anyway, he says, "Oh, I am so sorry.
"It must be awful.
" And then he actually started crying.
- (LAUGHS) - He was very upset! I guess I thought it would be funny to say it but then, well, I guess I just felt bad.
I bet you did.
- Then what happened? - That's it.
I thought there was something after that? No.
- Poor bloke.
He must have felt awful.
- I hope he's okay.
Yeah.
Arnold, what's your brother up tonight? Why would I know that? Nothing, probably, or drinking or pretending to be a lesbian on Tinder to trick lesbians into talking sex with him.
No, it would be really good to get him to meet Alan and May before he shoots off.
Alan, you and Steve, you would hit it off.
- Wouldn't they, Don? - Oh! - Where's he going? - Oh, no, thanks, love.
- Steve got a job.
- Wow, I didn't hear about this.
Yeah.
Dad got Steve a job in Singapore.
- Good on Steve.
- Wow, that sounds impressive.
- Yeah.
And very good coin.
- That's quite good.
Steve's doing quite well, isn't he? Oh, we're all thrilled.
Shocked, but thrilled.
- Are you thrilled, Arnold? - Yep.
Yeah? You must be very proud of him.
- Yeah, it's great.
- It's a bit weird you didn't tell me.
- I did tell you.
- Did you? I think I would have remembered such good news.
I definitely I definitely told you.
(LAUGHTER) Arnold, are you still hungry? Do you want anything else? No, I'm fine.
I'm fine, thanks, May.
Look at him, just furious.
Josh, stop it.
No, he's always been a little bit jealous of his older brother.
I'm not jealous.
What's so incredible about Singapore? He'll be making a lot of money.
Just raking it in, drinking cognac and playing golf, and being on various boats.
What? I just want to hear you say that you're happy for your brother.
- I did.
- Did you, though? Yeah, of course I'm fucking happy for my dumb fucking brother.
Just ease up, Arnold.
(Donna) Well, apparently the average penis in shorter now.
Yeah, it's only about six inches.
Well, they say it's 5.
17 now.
- (May) How long is that? - Oh.
I mean, I don't know how it got smaller, or did we just get better at keeping men honest? (LAUGHS) That generation just finds sex things so fucking funny.
I reckon Internet porn ruined that for us.
It's nice.
They're having fun.
- Are you mad at me? - I'm fine.
I mean, it's just you're being quite awful.
- I'm being awful? - Yeah.
- What was that inside? - I was just playing.
I'm a fun guy, remember? I just don't know why you always have to make fun of me.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- No.
Josh, Josh.
- Hey.
Sweet pea.
- They'll see us.
- They're not going to see us here.
Just kiss me on the mouth.
Come over here.
I don't want to kiss with my parents watching.
Hey? Oh! Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Fuck.
Shit.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, is everything okay, Bruce? Yeah, no, I just just disturbed the boys having a bit of a cuddle, that's all.
It's going to take him months to repress that.
- Come on.
- You never listen to me, Josh.
You make fun of me all the time and now you think I'm awful.
- I didn't say you were awful.
- You literally just said it.
- I said you were being awful.
- You're humiliating me.
You used to think I was a fun, nice guy.
And if I overstepped the mark, you'd give me the benefit of the doubt.
- But now - Trouble in paradise.
It's reassuring to know that gay people are as miserable as we are.
(LAUGHS) Do you know how tiring it is being teased all the time? All the time? You used to follow me around the house like John, but now you don't even notice if I leave in the middle of a threesome.
Are you actually mad about the Kyle thing, or are you just saying that to make me feel bad? - It's a pretty weird thing to do.
- I understand that I'm weird, Josh.
I'm a very fucking weird guy.
But I would like to know if my boyfriend is upset.
- Everyone's listening.
- You always do this.
You say you don't care and then you hold onto it to win a bigger argument later.
It's so manipulative.
You put your feelings on credit and make me pay for them later.
That's a weird little analogy you've been working on there.
I mean, why couldn't you be honest this morning? I was trying to keep the peace, but now that I know you're not interested in keeping the peace, I'm trying to win.
It's not my fault Kyle didn't want to have sex with you.
Maybe if you weren't so obnoxious to the taxi driver.
Josh is right, we can all hear you.
Thanks, Dad.
I'm just gonna let what you just said slide.
You're doing it again.
Okay.
- I don't want to go inside.
- No.
- Let's just get it over with.
- Yeah.
Mm.
(PHONE RINGS) - Hi.
- Are we friends anymore? - This is a bit much.
- I know.
- I've just been very busy.
- Yeah? I've also been busy.
Do you think I haven't been busy? I've just been very busy, okay.
Working and, like, with living.
Like, living heaps, actually.
Hey, goji berries are stupid, yeah? Like, they're no better than any other dried fruit.
All superfoods are just normal foods with a better narrative.
See, Josh also can't understand how a physicist could be fooled into thinking that goji berries are magic.
- Hi, Warren.
- I'm not passing that on.
He's annoying me right now.
Maybe you just don't like me anymore.
That's fine.
That's understandable.
Okay, I've never really liked me.
Do you really need me to say that I like you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I like you.
Did Tom do something creepy? Is that what this is? I can see you without Tom there, if that's what you need.
No, Tom hasn't been a part of my decision-making for like two years.
I've just been hanging out with Warren.
He lives next to a park.
It's very shady.
Warren is literally the most horrible name.
What are you doing this week? I just could not imagine kissing a Warren.
- Let's hang out this week.
- No.
You don't want to.
You'll cancel and forget.
Honestly, it's fine.
We can get best friend forever tattoos.
Okay.
I don't need you, you know? There's a lot of girls out there looking for a gay best friend.
See? No one else gets to talk to me like that.
When we're 50, we'll have dinner and we'll laugh and everything will be exactly the same as it's always been.
Meanwhile, I can't figure out if Arnold hates me or if I hate Arnold, so - Honey? I need a towel.
- I have to go.
- Of course.
Bye.
- Bye.
What have you made? Chocolate quinoa slice.
You made a special gluten-free treat? That's pretty cute.
Oh, my God.
- Is it all right? - It is so delicious.
Why are you being weird? Okay, I need you to eat that slice while I talk for a bit.
Okay.
Okay, I've been kind of annoyed ever since you moved in.
And I think it's because when it was just Josh and me, I didn't care if I was a good person or not.
But now you've moved in and I've started noticing just how far I've let that slip.
I've started noticing lots of things, like I'm always slouching.
I constantly look like I've just lost custody of the kids.
I've never bought shampoo.
Always Josh's.
No idea what I look like without extra volume.
I am not enrolled to vote.
And I am way too friendly with that guy at 7-Eleven.
And I'm panicking now because I want to be a better person for you, but I don't know how to do that while I'm living with a friend who prefers it if I'm shit.
So, what I'm asking you is if you would like to move out with me, but it is a bad idea and you should eat that slice rather than answering, thank you.
- Um.
- What are you doing? Why are you talking? You don't need to talk.
- Gosh.
- You don't need to talk at all.
- Tom.
- Don't talk.
- Tom.
- Be quiet.
- No.
- No, you don't need to.
Tom! Yes! Yeah.
Yeah, good.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay.
Wow.
Well, that's good news.
(BARKING) When? (DOOR CLOSES) - I don't know.
- (Josh) Hello, friends! Josh! We're moving out.
We literally just had that conversation, literally just before you walked in the door.
Oh, no, I have had it up to here with things.
This is not a whole big thing, though.
It is a big thing, isn't it? You two are moving out.
This little world that we've created is dead.
And now I have to create a whole new little world and that just That seems like a pretty big thing.
Here you go, buddy.
I don't like it when you put it like that, do I? When you say this little world is dead.
You guys are going to go and have a baby and you're gonna stop being friends with me.
Whoa, whoa! We're not having a baby.
Absolutely, absolutely, you're going to get pregnant, because you're lousy with condoms, and you're going to realise that your whole life has been building up to what's really important, which is your baby.
Matilda.
Probably Matilda.
What am I gonna have? We're not going to stop being friends with you if we have a baby.
Absolutely, 100% you would.
How many times have you heard people say that? "What are we going to talk about after you have a baby? Your baby?" I don't wanna talk about your baby.
We are literally having zero babies, so It will give you and Arnold more space.
- I think Arnold hates me.
- Arnold doesn't hate you, Josh.
I'm sick of things ending.
Like, it's sad how Harry Potter finished.
It's awful to think about how Leonardo DiCaprio isn't hot anymore.
I was never hot.
He was so hot and now he is just normal.
That same shift is going to happen to me, but I never started hot.
- Where's the baba ganoush? - In the bin.
- It was off.
- I never got to taste it.
Now I have to buy new dip.
It's just another thing! Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't have a baby.
I don't want to have a baby.
The problem here isn't me not being able to have a baby, it's everybody else having to have a baby.
That's the next big thing.
That's the new frontier for people our age.
What have I got left? Nothing.
I've tried everything good.
I've tried everything good.
Life is meant to get boring as you get older so it's not so disappointing when you die.
I read ketamine is the next big drug.
Ketamine.
It's horse tranquilliser.
I'm going to be another single mid-30s homosexual, high on ketamine with just so much spare money and then I'm going to buy myself a beach house and then that's going to go underwater because on top of every other nice thing, weather is ending too.
- I feel sick.
- Don't make it worse.
Talking about things doesn't help.
I don't like this slice.