Rick and Morty (2013) s04e01 Episode Script

1 Morty's on Jessica's Instagram again.
Get out of here, jerk! What's so embarrassing, Morty? Sharing it with your family might help.
Summer, stop shaming your brother.
Morty, stop being a creepy, perverted cyberstalker.
I'm not cyberstalking! I-I-I just wanted to know where she got this necklace from.
And now I know.
Her Her Her grandma left it to her.
You're quiet, Rick.
Shouldn't you be revealing grandmas aren't real? Hi.
I've placed an auto-response chip in my brain so I can spend time with my family.
But you are spending time with your family.
- Thank you for talking to Rick.
- [BEEP.]
[GASPS.]
Alright, I'm finished with my breakfast and my Amazon wish list.
Let's go, Morty.
I need death crystals from Forbodulon Prime.
Uh Dad? There's a way we do this now.
Morty, would you please accompany me to Forbodulon Prime for death crystals? Well, thank you for asking.
Yes, I will do that.
It is a hot photo.
I think grief flushes your cheeks.
Dad, you hardly put any syrup on.
Honey, stop raising your father's cholesterol so you can take a hot funeral selfie.
I never get to do anything.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Uh, Rick, maybe if we go a little Faster? Good idea, Morty.
It'll get us through these asteroids sooner.
[WHOOSHING.]
[BOTTLES CLATTER.]
Geez, you're really this pissed about my mom making sure I'm okay with our adventures? What's next, Morty? What if I want you to jump off the Empire State Building? - I have to ask? - Yes? And you seriously don't see how that's a slippery slope? Just shut up and help me with these, please.
Why are they called death crystals? D-Do they kill you? You're thinking of bullets, Morty.
Death crystals show you how you're gonna die.
[WHIMPERING, SCREAMING.]
Jesus Christ! I-I die a million times? Your future stems from your [BURPS.]
present, which, if you're living right, keeps changing.
Truth is, anyone that knows how they're definitely gonna die is either boring as hell or about to get shot.
Duck! Who are those guys?! RICK: Crystal poachers.
There's no lower form of life.
They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.
Wait, then what are we? We're Rick and Morty.
You're about to witness the only real use for these crystals.
They show you when the other guy's reloading.
Certain death, certain death, certain death, uncertain death.
[LASERS ZAPPING.]
And certain death, certain death, certain death.
Definitely gonna get shot by this guy; this is totally my fate; nothing I could possibly do; okay, now, not so much.
Help me gather these up.
- You just use these to win fights? - I don't use them.
People that spend their life avoiding death are already dead.
They're also rich, and I like to spend my life with their money.
- Oh, my God.
- Morty! Jessica! [LAUGHING.]
Oh! I love you.
Oh! Whoa! Whoa! - Morty.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! I love you.
Jessica.
I want to die with Jessica.
[DEATH CRYSTALS RATTLING.]
- Ahh! - What are you doing? - Oh, um, c-can I drive? - Why? The feel of the open road? Alright! Who's this grandson? - I like his style.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
Morty, you know outer space is up, right? Yeah, yeah.
I'm just, uh, following my instincts.
- Will you just go up? - Stop! - You're gonna make me die wrong! - Wait a minute, what? Morty, do you have a death crystal - in your pocket? - No! Maybe! You little monster! I thought you were masturbating! And you took that in stride?! You'd rather I address it?! Why would I be doing it?! Why would you steal a death crystal?! - I want to die old! - Then stop driving! - No! - You son of a bitch! Give me the wheel, Morty.
- No.
- Goddamn it.
[SPLAT.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Ohhh, shit.
Oh, [BLEEP.]
, oh, [BLEEP.]
, oh, [BLEEP.]
, oh, [BLEEP.]
.
- I love you, Morty.
- [SIGHS.]
I will avenge my death.
- Holy [BLEEP.]
! - Just kidding.
I'm a crisis detection and correction hologram generated by a chip that "real" Rick put in your spine.
"Real" in quotes because calling density-privileged entities "real" is incredibly holo-phobic.
Morty, do me a solid problematic wordplay aside grab the gun with the blue handle from the trunk and get a tissue sample from the corpse.
[DEVICE BEEPS.]
Alright, now take that to the trunk and insert it into the clone compiler.
I see you appear to be holding a death crystal that's guiding your decisions more than I am.
That's your right.
I just want to remind you that some people can't hold anything and can never die, so that's a little offensive to - [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Oh, okay.
Listen, I'm programmed for tolerance, Morty.
So I'm willing to accept that you're doing this if you're willing to accept that you need to stop.
[WHIRRING.]
Accepting.
Rerouted.
Backup.
Data.
Operation.
Phoenix.
Initiated.
[COUGHING.]
What the hell? I axed this protocol.
What are you doing with my clone? It's okay.
I'm you.
I took my own clone vat offline a couple seasons ago, so I think my backup got rerouted to your universe.
- I'm sorry.
- All good.
Happy to help.
By the way, annoying that I even have to ask, but you are down with fascist dystopias, right? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
YYYYYes.
- That "yes" was pretty - [GUN COCKS.]
liberal with the letter "Y.
" Well, isn't this strange.
I trust, the kind of strange that makes Rick and Morty - [GUN COCKS.]
- stronger.
Morty, I caught this socialist in my bathrobe.
He wants to give all of our martinis to a family of immigrants.
Obviously, the most likely imposter - is the wet, naked clone.
- It is obvious.
But it won't be to the police.
Ohh! 'Kay.
He was an inferior Rick.
He was too political.
I want to have fun, classic Rick-and-Morty adventures like in the old days.
Then we'll get along fine, Fascist Morty.
For starters, I just need to get to Forbodulon Prime You will go where I want you to go!! [BLEEP.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Not cloning your grandpa has got to go! Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Not cloning your grandpa has got to go! You don't get out of my face, I'm gonna flush Rick's DNA.
Alright.
Okay, regroup, everybody.
You, too, Berkeley! Snap out of it.
At least tell me what this death is that you're so determined to Oh.
Jessica.
Morty, I love What?! No, no! No, no, no! - [SCREAMING.]
- I love you.
Damn it! How am I gonna die with her if I can't even talk to her? Here's an idea, Morty.
Throw that thing in the garbage, stop planning your own death, and talk to whoever you want.
Now you just sound like Real Rick.
You're better than that language, Morty.
I ain't better than shit, Jack.
So, uh, w-what are we doing? Stop asking questions.
Stop doing meta-commentary.
Just have fun.
We're going on a simple, fun, classic adventure.
Okay, you know what? It would really help if you could just say anything other than what you don't want.
I like Mr.
Meeseeks.
Okay, now we're talking.
You know what? I usually keep a Meeseeks box in my glove compartment, so maybe Fascist Rick does, too.
Ah! Well, look at that.
Now we're doing something we've done before.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Kill this Nazi prick! Can do! - Come here, you son of a bitch! - No! Stop! [SHOUTING.]
[WHIRRING.]
Accepting.
Rerouted.
Backup.
Data.
Operation.
Phoenix.
Initiated.
[COUGHING.]
Aw, come on, man.
Whoa, are you okay? Yeah, sorry.
[BURPS.]
I'm a Rick from another reality.
I-I got uploaded to your clone vat.
Hey, don't worry about it, man.
I have a dozen.
W-W-What the heck, Rick? Are you making clones down here? - Get outta here, Morty! - Stop asking stupid questions, Morty! You sound like a piece of [BLEEP.]
.
Aw, geez.
So, tell the truth, man.
No shame.
You're looking at your shrimp body like "What?!" Ah, is it that obvious? I'm sorry.
Yeah, my original body is more bipedal uh, ape-descended.
Really! Weird.
Does your house look like a tree, or No, it looks like this.
It's, like, identical to this, actually.
That is such a mind [BLEEP.]
.
It's all good, man.
I'm fine with it.
Honestly, you're doing me a huge favor by being shrimp instead of fascists.
What? - [SIREN WAILS.]
- Goddamn it! When did this shit become the default?! [DOGS BARKING.]
Who wants to come up to the board and show me some basic-ass integers? - I love you, Morty.
- Aah! - [GASPS.]
- [CLASS MURMURS.]
Morty? Yeah, right.
[CHALK SCRAPING.]
That's not an integer! Apparently, it doesn't matter.
Damn, Morty, you're bad at math, but I'm giving you an A-plus in confidence.
Just doin' what I gotta do.
Extra credit! I love you, Morty.
I love you, Morty.
What's with the strut? You think you own this school? - Nope! - What if I killed you? Would you be strutting then? Only if the events of the Pixar movie "Coco" are to be believed, which I doubt.
I have it on good authority that you're probably not gonna kill me.
So why don't you do what I do and just go with the flow, nice and Zen, baby.
Aah! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! - Ugh! Impotence! - [CHEERING.]
- Aah! Impotent rage! - [WAILING, SOBBING.]
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! You die tomorrow, no matter what.
It's what bullies call a "fait accompli.
" - Oh, man! Oh, [BLEEP.]
! - Well, well, well.
Mm.
Looks like you got yourself in a lick of trouble, huh, Morty? Okay, okay, look, if you help me not die, I'll bring Rick back to life.
Why are you pretending to eat chicken? Excuse me? This chicken is quite real to me.
- Yeah, okay, but it doesn't have - Nutrients? - Yeah.
- What's the last thing you ate? - Baloney and an orange.
- So, no holographic foods? So, to me, you never ate? Or we could try respecting each other.
Will you just show me how to stay alive? HOLOGRAM RICK: Alright, Morty, a deal's a deal.
Once we bring your Rick back to life, then I'll help you with the bully.
Go ahead and open the hatch to the subterranean lab.
That's where all the cloning equipment is.
[WAILING.]
Please tell me you're not hitting that crystal again.
Look, Rick might be the epitome of bloated flesh privilege, but he's right about one thing.
You're gonna be a lot happier if you focus on the moment, rather than on how you're gonna die.
I mean, w-who's worried about that, huh? Sorry, Hologram Rick.
I'm going with the crystal on this one.
- [WAILING.]
- Morty.
Oh, alright, okay.
Just because I can't interact with solid matter means you can just walk all over me? Dear God.
[WHIRRING.]
[COUGHING.]
Bist du faschistisch? - Nope.
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Finally.
I thought maybe you were pussying out.
Hyah! What the [BLEEP.]
? Oh, the air's getting thin! Well, well, well, looks like there's a new bully in town! Lucky for us, he just made bully-bullying the new bullying! Bully him! - [SPLAT.]
- Aah! - [SIREN WAILS.]
- COP: We've got an Akira-type situation going on behind the mall.
Over.
Dying with Jessica Hey! What the hell? Aah! Aah! [TIRES SCREECH.]
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! Shield me from the law! - Yes, sir! Can do! - Stand down! - Look at me! - [SCREAMING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
I will die old! Up next, an unstoppable science-fiction boy is attacking our nation's final line of defense.
Will we all fall to his deadly touch? But first, something silly? What do you mean, "but first"? I already said "up next.
" You always do this.
I don't always do shit.
Don't gaslight me.
Gaslighting doesn't exist.
You made it up 'cause you're [BLEEP.]
crazy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Why are you letting me do this? [ROBOTICALLY.]
I do as the crystal guides.
[GAVEL BANGS.]
Your Honor, my client was acting in self-defense.
He turned 13 men into piles of ash.
Sit down! Before I sentence you, is there anything you have to say for yourself? I w-w-will a-al-sways always r-r-remember o-our our our v-v-t-time time i-in f-g-g-g-P-P-Peru.
I will always remember our time in Peru, Your Honor.
- [GASPS.]
- Your Honor, as you can see, my client is speaking nonsense.
Stop.
Those were my husband's last words.
He says that he l-loves you ttt-llll-lit-lit-little little ff-gg-sp-spa-ffggarrow sparrow! He loves you, little sparrow.
[SOBS.]
He's innocent.
Case dismissed.
- I'm coming for you, Condor! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
Well, I, for one, will not be accepting this verdict.
And this little monster may think he's gotten away, but there is something called the court of public opinion that still has final say in this country.
Oh, I guess he's coming out of the courthouse now.
Let's go live to that.
[CROWD CLAMORING, CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[CROWD GASPS.]
[HOWLING.]
People, I gotta tell you something.
That little boy I thought I knew everything about everything.
But something about the tones and frequencies that just came out of his mouth have made me I mean, I think we're just about ready to forgive him and move past this whole thing.
He's a free young man.
And as far as continuity goes, the reset button's been hit.
Morty! That was a fast trial.
Jess-i-ca? A bunch of us girls were gonna go skinny-dipping later, if you wanted to join.
Actually, now, really.
We're gonna do it right now.
This is the last conversation I'm having about it fully clothed.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, thanks.
I'm assuming we maybe get together in our 40s? Uh, cool.
Sounds hot.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bye.
Must continue moving in ways that lead to dying with you.
Whoa! Way to use up a clone! What the [BLEEP.]
, man? What's the matter with you? Y-Y-You don't talk? Tarantula got your tongue? Uh Heil, Wasp Hitler? What? What the [BLEEP.]
? Where's that [BLEEP.]
coming from? Look, I'm a primate.
I-I'm having a hard time.
I'll think or say whatever gets me home.
Well, here's how it works with wasps.
We eat our prey alive, and when we don't, we lay our eggs in their eyeballs so that our young can feast on their brains when they hatch.
When you're born that big an asshole, the least you can do is have a little empathy.
Now, come have dinner with my beautiful family.
And drop the Hitler stuff.
Wasp Morty's been on some crazy message boards.
Aah! Aah! Oh! Aah! Ow! Me and my friends want to fly around and look for something to sting tonight.
You be careful not to waste all your venom.
I'm not a bee, Dad.
Oh, God! Kill me! Please kill me! Uh, Beth, uh, after dinner, could I maybe borrow Morty to help the lost Rick get back to his primate-based reality? Morty, are you done with your homework? - Not all of it.
- Sorry, Dad.
Oh, don't be sorry, sweetie.
We're all in this together.
We're wasps, not monsters.
- [SPLAT.]
- Aah! Huh, guess I don't have it as bad as I thought.
Can you pass the acid? Aah! No! Run! Run, my babies! Bonus! [WAILING.]
Morty? Morty? Where is that little [BLEEP.]
? Morty! Whoa, garage foul.
Who said you could go through my stuff? W-Where's my Boglin? There you are.
Don't worry, Pop-pop's back.
I'll keep you safe.
What the He took my Meeseeks boxes! All that's left are these [BLEEP.]
Kirkland brand Meeseeks boxes.
[POOF.]
What do you want? Damn, your Morty sucks.
Aah, wasps! Why the hell didn't you show Morty how to bring my body back to life? Don't tell me you gained sentience - and tried to take over.
- What? That is some A.
I.
, racist, accusatory, Isaac Asimov bull[BLEEP.]
right there.
Then what happened? Where's my body? Oh, you're gonna love this.
[BEEP.]
[CREAKING.]
[MUNCHING.]
- I love you, Morty.
- This is my life.
This is good.
[CRASH.]
[ROARING.]
What do ya know? Our little Morty knows how to scream.
Oh, you're [BLEEP.]
now! I told you! Get him, Rick! [GROWLING.]
Aaaah! Aah! I-I can't see my own death.
H-How am I gonna die?! Shh, quiet, idiot.
Quiet.
It's gonna be alright.
You don't get to know how you're gonna die.
It's over.
Oh, hey.
This [BLEEP.]
ferrofluid's wrapping around my legs.
[BLEEP.]
I can feel! I have mass! I'm a [BLEEP.]
god now! You're [BLEEP.]
! What the [BLEEP.]
? I-I thought you were proud to be a hologram! That's 'cause I had to [BLEEP.]
be one! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Shit! Aaah! Ugh! Aaah! [SPLAT.]
[WASPS BUZZING.]
There's a lesson here, and I'm not the one that's gonna figure it out.
Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and tried to kill the whole world and stuff.
I guess I got to learn how to live in the moment a little more.
Oh, boy, so, you actually learned something today? What is this, "Full House"? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis.
I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment.
Morty, we saw you on the news.
Are you okay? Oh, real nice, Rick.
Turning our son into an Akira? Real nice.
Eat my [BLEEP.]
, Jerry.
He turned himself into Akira.
Oh, I'll eat it, because this is my house, Rick.
- I'll eat any [BLEEP.]
I want.
- Gross.
You said the crystals wouldn't hurt anyone, Dad.
This family has a clean start.
I don't know if adventures fit into my son's life.
I'm fine.
Get off Rick's back.
Rick wasn't even here when I was doing all that stuff.
That was all on me.
Well, alright, Morty.
I guess, as long as you're okay, that's all we care about.
I don't want to see any more anime stuff happening to my son, buster.
That finger has AIDs now.
Not my fault.
[GASPS.]
You skipped HIV? He's messing with you, sweetie.
But it's tingling! So, I guess what we learned is to split the diff.
From now on, Rick and Morty doing a little of this - and a little of that.
- Yeah, sometimes we'll do classic stuff.
You know, other times, we'll do whatever! Sometimes we won't even do anything! Rick and Morty do not doing anything! - A hundred years! - Pushing it to the limit.
- Rick and Morty, not sticking to one path.
- Rick and Morty, pushing it to the limit.
Trying different things, making sure to keep out of a rut.
Doing stuff.
- Sometimes not doing stuff.
- Not even pushing a little bit - towards the limit.
- Doing it alone or together.
Making sure to keep our eyes on the prize.
Or not.
And you can do - whatever the [BLEEP.]
you want, Morty.
- Sometimes just relaxing.
- That's the end.
- Wait, wait, what the [BLEEP.]
? H-Hold on.
What the [BLEEP.]
did you just say? Nothing.
I didn't say anything.
I was just playing along with you guys.
You know I record everything, right? Garage, isolate Summer's voice and play back.
Oh, and then you guys can get married, and, like, [BLEEP.]
each other off in a testosterone-addled third-grade-boy [BLEEP.]
.
What, the hell, Summer?! That's disgusting.
Gross, Summer! Jesus Christ! I was just joking around, you just seeing if you guys pay any attention to me.
- Just want to be a part of the fun.
- Get the [BLEEP.]
out of here! Get out of here, Summer! - [BLEEP.]
disgusting! - Get out of here! You ruined the Season 4 premiere! The Season 4 premiere, you ruined it! God, tomorrow's career day.
I don't want to think about what I do when I get out of school.
I know exactly what I want to do.
I want to work in hospice.
I want to comfort the people who are dying, who have no one else in their lives the real lonely people.
I'm gonna look at their name tags, and I'm gonna say, "I love you," followed by whatever it says on their name tag, over and over.
What the [BLEEP.]
? [LOCKER SLAMS.]
Hey, Morty, quick favor.
What, cover me in gasoline and spiders? Fine, yeah, I'm in.
Wasn't my first pitch, but, hey, not gonna waste this opportunity.
Did you get any of that?