Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

1 (Birds chirping) (Cicada buzz) (Footsteps thud) (Blinds rasp open) - Ah! Ha, now that is what I call a beautiful morning! Looks like another full house tonight.
Things are starting to look up, sweetheart.
- Big waves! Big waves! - (Knock on door) Oh yes.
Yes, tidal waves of prosperity are crashing down, all around us.
Soon enough.
You just wait.
(Door opens) Hey partner, what's the good word? There's a dead guy in Room 4.
What? Whadda ya mean there's a dead guy in come in, come in.
Moira: Did I hear what I think I heard? - Has someone been killed? - Stevie: No.
No! No, John, no.
No! I have endured a cornucopia of trauma that last few years, I draw the line at living in a crime scene.
Okay, nobody's been murdered, Mrs.
Rose.
I went in to clean Room 4, and this old guy was like, asleep in his bed.
But like, forever asleep.
(Sighs) Like, checked out without paying, asleep.
Okay, I think it's a little early for humor, Stevie.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you just see a dead body? What did this gentleman look like? - I don't know, like old.
- John old? Or old, old? Well, I don't quite see the relevance in that question, Moira, the man is dead.
I mean we can't have the other guests finding out about a dead body in one of the rooms.
- Ugh! - Ew! There's a dead body - in one of the rooms? - Okay, I always knew there'd be a murder here eventually.
I'm gonna go pack up my things, I assume we're moving? We're not packing up our things, and everybody just calm down.
Nobody's been murdered.
Okay, the old man in Room 4 died alone in his sleep.
Why do I find that scenario even more bone-chilling than murder? Stevie, do we know how this man expired? Do I look like a coroner? I don't think you want people answering that question.
It feels like every time the motel sells out, someone dies.
Uh, we've only sold out one night.
Exactly.
So you and Patrick are sitting in his car last night, and you just leaned in and kissed him? Okay, what part of this conversation - don't you understand? - Okay, and he wanted that.
Yes.
Like he told you that he wanted that.
Fall off a bridge, please.
You gave me such a hard time for getting involved with Ted, and then you just French your business partner literally the second he peeks his head out of the closet.
I'll have you know this is the healthiest first day of a relationship I've ever had.
Well, all I know is that Patrick is a sweet little button face, David, so don't mess this up.
- (Door opens) - Johnny: Oh good, I'm glad you're both still here.
We're gonna need your room for the night, so uh, pack up.
- Um, no.
- Absolutely not.
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body, and disinfect Room 4, in time for check-in.
Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.
Moira: I agree with David, we must all move on from this.
- Did I say that? - Well there's no use wasting time worrying about what happened? Johnny: We're not worrying about what happened, Moira, we're trying to find a solution, and I'm gonna need the family to help us through this.
Okay, why don't the new guests stay in your room? It'll take day just to re-box your mother's wigs.
Oh my God, can you imagine? Not one of you is trained.
Okay, bottom line, we need the room, so throw some things in a bag and we're gonna set you up in our room.
Okay, I've never just thrown some things in a bag before, so you might have to give me a minute.
Yeah, and I'm gonna be sleeping somewhere else.
- Same.
- Like literally anywhere else.
Yeah, like an old tent by the side of the highway.
Okay, enough, let's get going, please? Yes, yes, plenty of work to be done.
Unfortunately my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today.
John, I hate to leave you like this! Yeah, I know, Moira, you know, busy busy.
- I want the room cleaned up in an hour.
- Okay.
Um, I'm gonna need a roll of dry-cleaning bags, and some padlocks.
(Door opens and closes) Okay, so Roland knows a guy at the coroner's office.
- Wait, you told Roland? - Yes.
I don't know, I-I ran into him, and he asked me how I was.
- Well, that's not good, Stevie.
- No, I might have panicked.
I wouldn't trust Roland with a set of chopsticks, - let alone a dead body! - Yeah.
- Oh, hello! - Hello.
Checking out? Roland: Hello, Johnny.
Stevie.
I come bearing good news.
Okay, Roland, as you can see, Mr.
Rose is checking out a guest right now, so maybe you can hold off on that good news? Oh sure, I got it.
Uh, well let me just say this, re the toilet that died in Room 4, the plumber will be here in a few hours.
He said he'd be here sooner, but he has another autopsy.
Toilet on the fritz.
(Door opens and closes) Okay, so, what'd the coroner say? My guys will be here between 4 and 5.
Well, that's not good, we can't have the guests watching a dead body being dragged out of here.
So probably best to keep your guests in their rooms.
And, how're we gonna do that? Do the rooms lock from the outside? We're not locking the guests in their rooms, Roland.
Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Johnny.
I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid, (German accent) und I would say that I turned out pretty okay.
- (Door opens and closes) - Hmm.
(Dog barking) - Ted: Thank you very much.
- Man: Bye.
- Alexis! - Oh my God, Ted, hey! Um, was there like a pet massacre, or something? What is with all these sad looking people? Uh, nope, all these perfectly happy-looking people are actually applying for your old job.
I literally just quit, Ted.
Again, quit implies a negative connotation and I'd say that we had a pretty fun time working together.
We did have a pretty fun time.
(Laughs) That's not what I meant, but anyway, what's up? Oh, I just wanted to thank you again for coming to my graduation yesterday.
It was a very sweet surprise.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
- Man: Here.
- Oh, thanks.
And, I also had a question.
Uh yeah, Alexis, I'd love to answer that question, it's just I'm kind of right in the middle of interviewing these people, so.
Okay, yeah, totally.
I will just um um I actually used to work here.
This used to be my desk, so.
You know, now that you're here, I guess you could sit in on the interviews with me.
Oh.
Okay, sure.
Now, everybody, just so you know, I got a job here, and I have literally zero interest in animals, so you guys are already like, way ahead.
- Okay.
- So (claps) Have fun! (Birds chirping) (Bell on door chimes) - Hi.
- Hey.
(Footsteps thud, floorboards creak) (Laughs) (Clears throat) So, someone's been busy.
Oh yeah, yeah, I've been up since 5.
Could not sleep, been thinking about stuff, you know, last night.
Regrets? What? No, why would I have regrets? I don't know, I think it's a, just a habit to ask.
No, no, no, no.
No regrets.
No, I feel good.
I feel like a weight's been sorta lifted off my shoulders.
It's all very new, you know, and it's a lot to process but Well, here's something fun.
Um what if I stayed at your place tonight? Huh.
It's just that there's some things happening at the motel, and I Yeah, uh, sorry David, maybe I haven't been clear, I'm gonna need to take this a lot slower than a sleepover tonight.
Oh okay, not like a sleepover sleepover.
I think it's important that I be honest with you about how I'm feeling, because I know you have a lot of experience in this area, - but for me - Oh my God, no, I mean yes, I do, but that's not what I'm implying.
That's Moira: Ding-a-ding.
Patrick: Oh hey, Mrs.
Rose.
Um, just takin' this to the back.
We'll talk about this later.
Okay, yeah, it's just some crossed wires.
May I help you? It's startlingly quiet in here, David.
Is that a good sign? I thought you were booked up all day, and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b- - that thing in the motel.
- I am booked up, David.
You should see my schedule.
I'm positively bedeviled with meetings, etc.
What are you doing here? You know what I'd love? A tea.
We don't sell tea.
Um, you know, I was gonna go make a run to the cafe, - I could get you a tea if you want.
- No, that's not necessary.
How serendipitous.
Thank you, Peter.
- It's Patrick.
- Anything else? Nothing else for me, thank you, just the scone.
- You mean the tea? - Why not.
Thank you.
(Bell on door chimes, door opens and closes) Okay, I was in the middle of like a pretty important conversation, with my business partner, so Sorry David, I had nowhere else to turn.
It's probably nothing, but I think I've killed a man.
I don't know what to do, David.
The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week.
Okay, well I don't know what to do either, because you still haven't told me what exactly happened.
(Bell on door chimes, door opens and closes) One tea for you.
One caramel macchiato skim, 2 sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.
Thank you.
You're very speedy.
Thanks.
I wasn't sure about the scone, so I got one just to be safe.
There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, dear.
Okay.
Okay, I am pretty sure that he's ready to quit on me, - so can you please - Very well.
How to get started.
Um, I woke up yesterday morning with a spring in my step.
Start later, please.
I could never know where the day was Fast forward it.
I ran into the elderly gentleman outside his room and he asked me for a painkiller.
- And? - I told him I didn't have one.
- Okay.
- But I did have one.
In fact I had several sample packets in my purse.
I had come from the pharmacy, and they were just out in a bowl.
But I refused the man, and the next thing I know, he turns up dead! Well, why didn't you just give him the pill? Because David, because I can barely come to terms with the fact that I've resorted to hoarding sample packets of a basic headache medication, let alone reveal it to the world.
This is what my life has come to, David, killing a man over a complimentary bolus.
Okay, well are you even sure that the pill would have saved his life? We'll have to let the courts decide.
The courts? Well, know that you've unloaded this on me, what am I, an accomplice? David, I came here to be talked off a ledge, not pushed! Can you imagine this in prison? Patrick: Can I interject? I know I wasn't supposed to be listening to this conversation, but it's a small space, and your voice carries so beautifully.
- Mhm.
- Mrs.
Rose, I can say with 100% certainty, you have nothing to worry about.
Well that's very kind of you, dear, but now's not the time for well-intended placation.
You're legally prohibited from supplying medication to your guests, so by not giving him anything you've actually avoided any potential liability in his death.
- Well, there we have it then.
- Thank God you're here Pa - trick.
- trick.
You know how David can get carried away, I'm sure.
Oh, I do.
Well, I suppose I'll head back to the scene of the crime, with which I had nothing to do.
Can I ring that up for you? I paid way too much for a wedge of brie last week, so let's call it even.
I don't think it works like that.
Alexis was right, he's a button.
(Footsteps thud) (Bell on door chimes, door opens and closes) Thanks.
(Knocks) (Door opens, baby crying) Well, hello there, my colleague and I are just checking in to see how you're enjoying your stay.
Uh, it is what it is.
Oh, well that's excellent.
Excellent.
Now, will you be heading out this afternoon, - or hanging around the motel? - Uh, I don't know, I'm just trying to get my kid to take a nap.
He just gets cranky if he doesn't, so Ohhhh, my son's the same way.
Anyway, we just wanted to come by, invite you and your son to our happy hour, happening in the motel lobby between 4 and 5 p.
m.
You're inviting my son to happy hour? Well, wrong choice of words.
We prefer to call it a family hour, if that makes you feel any better.
There's gonna be other kids there? - Oh, I think, - No.
(Baby wailing) But there is someone staying with us right now who works in a quarry.
So, I bet he has a lot of stories.
And what kind of kid doesn't like rocks? - Yeah.
- Huh? (Laughs) Maybe he'll even get to take one home.
Ooh.
- I'm gonna think about it.
- Yeah, it's mandatory.
It's mandatory? Well again, wrong choice of words, it's not mandatory, but there is a fee for not attending, so you'll be paying for it either way.
What? Yeah, so we'll just be by a little later to escort you to the lobby.
In the meantime, you can put your son to bed and just make sure he's up and ready to go at 3:55.
- Okay? Bye for now.
- Bye, thank you.
(Baby crying, throws a cup) (Door closes) All right, thank you very much, and we will be in touch.
(Door creaks open and shuts) I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective.
I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger.
Hmm, thank you.
Who would've known that Paul was allergic to cats? - What was he doing here? - I'm happy to help.
You know it is gonna be different around here without you.
You definitely had a certain something, and I can't quite put my finger on.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you! (Both chuckle) So you were gonna ask me something earlier.
Oh, sorry yeah, um, so something gross happened at the motel, so I was actually hoping I could crash at your place tonight.
Yeah, normally that'd be totally okay it's just um, I have a date tonight.
Oh.
Fun.
Okay, um, well maybe I could like drop my stuff - and wait, or - Yeah, it's uh just kinda that um, we may uh, you know, need the apartment at some point.
Apartment at some point.
My God, like for sex.
(Laughs) I don't know why I thought you were single.
That's hmm.
Yeah, I thought I had mentioned her, it's Heather, the woman with the cat.
Yes, the woman who wanted you to wash her cat all the time.
Yeah.
I thought that was like a little casual thing.
It was and then it sort of turned into more of a thing.
Hmm.
Did.
Well, good for Heather.
Thirsty little thing, isn't she.
Um okay, okay, cool.
Well um, I should probably go.
Alexis, wait.
(Dog barks) Who would you hire from today? Um, I liked the guy with the glasses.
Me too.
Um, or the guy with cystic acne.
Either or.
Okay.
Or the girl with the oily braid.
Also very good.
Okay, lots to think about there.
- Mhmm.
- Thank you, Alexis.
(Footsteps clank, door opens and shuts) (Birds chirping) (Crickets chirp) (Soft Jazz music plays) (Approaching footsteps) So you told your mom about us, huh.
No, I told Alexis about us, and she likely told my mom.
- Okay, listen David - No you listen Sorry that came off way harsher than I wanted it to.
Uh, I know how this looks, especially considering that you just told me you wanted to take things slow, but me wanting to stay at your place, it was more about what was happening at - Yeah, I I know that now.
- Okay.
And I'm sorry for assuming that you just wanted to stay at my house to to sleep with me or whatever.
No, um, it was purely circumstantial, you know, because of the dead body at the Right.
(Soft Jazz plays) You know, when you kissed me, that, that felt like my first time.
All the things that you're supposed to feel, I-I felt them last night.
Well, if we're being honest with each other, this is sort of like my first time, too.
I mean it's not, I've kissed like a thousand people but nobody that I cared about or respected or thought was nice.
So in a way, it's like we're both starting something new.
Thank you, David.
And hey, for the record, I-I also respect you and think that you're a good person.
Hmm.
It's just I said nice person.
- I know.
- Oh.
I just need you to say nice person.
- You're a good person.
- That's not nice.
(Gurney clanks) (Hawaiian music plays) Johnny: Well, hello everyone, welcome.
Welcome.
Hope you're enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka.
We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way.
Uh, well what a wonderful opportunity for all the guests to uh, get to know each other.
Anyone from out of town? Well, that makes sense.
(Laughs) - You're all staying at the motel.
- (Door opens) Um, oh Frank, Frank Frank is here.
Frank who works at a quarry.
Did you bring some rocks in for the kids, Frank? No, I didn't bring any rocks.
No rocks? Well.
John, the gentlemen outside need a few more minutes.
Well, I hope the motel has been servicing Well hello, all of you.
Hello, hi.
Isn't this a glittering sea of hopeful faces.
My lovely wife, Moira.
- Man: We wanna go outside.
- Outside.
Well of course you do, who doesn't want to go outside? But it's also important to cherish what's going on inside.
It's times like these that reminds one of the fact that we're all still alive.
Don't you dare take that for granted.
One day you're asking for an anti-inflammatory, the next day you've passed away in your sleep! I think we're getting a little off-topic, sweetheart.
The point being, no one knows when we're going to die! Or be implicated in, and then suddenly cleared of someone else's death.
(Coroner's van starts) So, so, drink up! Go outside! And live your lives! And thank you all for spending this hour with us.
I hope you enjoyed the complimentary refreshments.
Okay, people, let's leave the cups inside.
We're not in Vegas, here.
Thank you.