Scrubs s04e01 Episode Script

My shift hasn't started.
Try that guy.
That guy right there? All right.
Thank you.
A lot's been going on the last two weeks.
Turk and Carla got married, that short guy hurt his hand and since I broke Elliot's heart, I was trying to smooth things over.
Hey, buddy.
What's with the giant needle? We still had some work to do.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
The hospital also had a new attending psychiatrist Dr Molly Clock.
This is a really windy hospital.
I'm sorry.
I was drying up a patient's urine.
I'm kind of a favourite around here.
Not only was Dr Clock easy on the eyes, but she was an excellent shrink.
Mr Whitcomb is in a psychotic break from self-discontinuation of his meds.
Get him on a haloperidol IV stat.
I also heard she was a little spacey.
So where were we? We weren't talking.
Was it cos of something you did? I'm over it.
I don't remember it.
No, I mean, like, we've never talked.
Ever.
- How do I know your name? - You don't.
- You're freakin' me out, Jimmy.
- Johnny.
Why say Johnny? You hate Johnny! I'm gonna commit it to my memory forever.
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! - OK, Johnny.
- Damn it! I'm meeting so many people, and I haven't really gotten to know anybody.
Let's talk.
I'm not going anywhere.
Great! Oh, thanks.
OK Excuse me.
Turk's back from his honeymoon! Nice to meet you.
Turk! Hi! - Go ahead.
- JD! Maybe someday he'll love me like that.
He's here! Turk! JD! Turk! Dude! Stay right there! I'm so excited! - How'd this happen? Holler! - The roof! All right, look, from now on, we're calling this roof A.
Got it! Turk! The eagle! So, how are you, man? Well, well, well, what do we have here? The newlyweds.
And hey, Carla.
Mark my words, the first year of marriage is a real treat.
Do you remember ours? The silly fighting for control.
- You broke my jaw! - You gotta stop that back talk early.
- Come on, glass jaw.
- Duck and move, Gandhi.
Here it is.
Watch it.
Oh! Duck and move.
Ignore him, baby.
We have a great relationship.
Nothing's gonna change.
Over the next few days, Carla started to change everything.
Hey, dude, get us some more ice cream.
First of all, this is a Rice Dream.
Ricey.
Secondly, I can't get out of these chairs she got.
Am I using it right? These bowls Carla bought don't hold a lot.
I can barely get my spoon in it.
Hey, JD, although we do appreciate the wedding gift Turk and I decided we don't want this Sugar Hill Gang alarm clock.
We don't? I got it.
I got it.
I'm OK.
Don't Here goes I'm still in the chair! It's like a bear trap! As I fondled Katya, my pillow girlfriend I thought about how things had changed for us.
I had almost forgotten that when I wake up it'll be the start of my last week as a resident.
Now what you hear is not a dream So listen up You nappy head Yo, hear my rhyme It's wake-up time So get your white ass out of bed Snooze.
Don't look at me.
It just fell.
Please, please, please, please? Proceed unmolested.
I knew he'd buy it, cos today feels like one of those great days.
People were getting to know each other.
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
Fantastic.
Get off my face.
My last week of residency had begun.
In seven days, I'd be a full-fledged doctor.
It felt special to me, and I had a hunch it meant a lot to one other person.
Yes, milady? So? You feelin' all like bleaaah? That depends.
Does "bleaaah" mean confused and incredibly annoyed? It's our last week together.
The JD and Cox train is pulling into the station.
You must have a metaphor you want to use.
Hit me with it.
I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together.
Let me see Low-carb diets, Michael Moore the Republican National Convention Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots The OC, UN, recycling, Danny Gans, Latin Grammys, the real Grammys Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much the Yankees payroll, the red states, the blue states every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet everything, everything everything that exists, past, present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions.
And Hugh Jackman.
Hugh Jackman's Wolverine.
How dare he? I missed you guys so much.
Come over tonight, we're looking at wedding pictures.
There's this picture of me after I got sick off my third champagne and Red Bull and my hair's sexy messy.
The photographer said he could airbrush the puke off my dress.
- Already made doubles.
- You rock! So is JD going to be there tonight? Can't you come over anyway? Mind if I eat with you? I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person.
- Oh, my gosh.
I do that.
- No way! Mostly pop songs, you know, unless I'm eating soul food.
- Where's your food? - Oh, shoot.
Elliot, we'll do something later this week, the two of us.
OK.
That is not my food.
But I'm not getting up again.
- I wouldn't.
- Chicken salad, oh, yeah Looks good.
I gotta go.
See you.
It's strange feeling alone when a month ago, I was part of this tight group.
Yeah.
I had tons of friends at my old hospital.
I've got to meet some new people.
Do you want to get a cup of coffee tonight? Can't.
I'm hitting the Internet hard and going on a friend hunt.
Oh, chicken salad You're tasty You're food to be eaten that's good When you get back from surgery, Mrs Grodberg we'll play Scrabble, and this time I'll beat you.
Of course you'll beat her.
She's having half her brain removed.
JD? A little problem this morning with Malik.
Our car? Is it bad? Hey, AAA? I need a pickup on the corner of 4th and You know what? You'll see it.
Ah, Malik.
Lots of memories in that old car.
- Of what? - Driving, mostly.
Beep beep.
Why don't we pool our money together and buy a nice, cute, little Mini Cooper? Baby, a Mini Cooper? The most amazing thing happened.
I'll tell you what, Turk.
Why don't you go pick out our car? Carla let Turk make a decision.
OK.
But baby, you should know that it's not gonna be a Mini.
There ain't nothin' mini about me.
- There isn't.
- There isn't! Mr Radford, if you keep turning down therapy, you'll never get out of bed.
I'm tired.
I know, but I would love it if you'd at least try.
Haunting.
Drink your juice, Mr Blass.
Mr Blass has Pick's disease, similar in presentation to multi-infarct dementia.
He likes to sing when he gets up and the weird thing is, Johnny, he captures the mood of the room.
Take a stand on this Johnny thing before it becomes permanent.
It's JD for John Dorian.
So John.
But Johnny's fine.
It's cool.
What's wrong with you? You were having some trouble motivating your patient.
I published a paper on motivation methodology in post-operative seniors.
- So if you want, I could help.
- What floor? Oh, my God, we're on an elevator.
I appreciate the offer, but there's a special doctor I use when I need help and he'd be pretty pissed if I didn't come to him first.
Why, Marishka? Why insist on bothering me with these things? You love it.
One more time, for nostalgia's sake.
You see my patient, teach me a lesson and then the music plays.
In my head, it sounds like this: Dr Cox, can I borrow you for a minute? Borrow me? Dear heart, you'd be rescuing me.
Newbie, you're on your own.
Get used to it.
I'll prove why my first year of marriage isn't gonna be as hard as yours was.
You're setting the bar low on that one there.
- I'm smarter than you.
- In relationships? - In everything.
- Right.
Though I make the decisions, when I sense Turk is upset I throw him a decision that means nothing to me.
Like buying a new car.
As long as it's got four wheels and air conditioning, I'm happy.
Check it, baby! Scooters.
Fantastic.
It's too good.
He's a drinker.
Clever.
JD, this is so unfair.
I never get to see Turk and Carla anymore.
It's like we got divorced and you keep the friends because you live with them.
It just feels like you guys are part of some gang.
Elliot, you're overreacting.
We're not some kind of gang, OK? OK.
Wolverines let's roll! That joyride around the hospital made me realise two things.
First, it's a bad idea to take a full bladder out on your hog.
Also, I had to draw upon my medical experience to get Mr Radford out of bed.
They're showing Cocoon in the chapel! I'm not a big Guttenberg fan.
You're the only one, cos people are going crazy.
Akbar, Akbar, Akbar.
Oh, Johnny! Run away with me? I was looking at Mr Radford's chart.
I know you're new, but that's my patient's chart, and no one touches it.
Except for him.
Yes! I knew he couldn't stay away! I'm Molly, and I tagged in with the Mr Radford thing Molly, Molly.
You lost me at hello.
Wow.
No touchie.
Fair enough.
Mr Radford, do I understand that you have pain issues - But you don't want physical therapy? - I just don't have it in me.
Here comes the magic.
He always gives me goose bumps.
OK, then.
I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed cos you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural-born life.
What the hell was that? That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel.
You can't save everyone.
Start working with people who want your help.
That's what I will be doing.
Goose bumps? They're small.
You can't see them.
Oh, Mrs Grodberg, "jzilbek" is not a word.
I'm still beating you.
I'm glad your surgery went OK and you have your A game.
I don't care who wins.
Half a brain, damn it! Good night, Giselle.
Dr Cox? I'm not ready to give up on Mr Radford.
You want me to give my "things I don't care about speech" again? I've updated it to include all white guys who add "izzle" to anything.
I agrizzle, my nizzle.
Go home and get in bed.
I'm betting your friend Mr Radford's already in his.
I'll see you.
Well, sweetheart, you're here early.
I didn't have plans last night, so I went to bed at 8.
00 and woke up at 4.
00 realised the sunrise looks beautiful through the trees and my neighbour gets his paper in the nude.
And that he needs to lose, like, 900 pounds.
The appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early.
" It's called "small talk.
" Not "my depressing life in 30 seconds.
" I am not depressed, sir! In fact, nothing is gonna get me down today! Oh, shut up! Did you tell my patient to shut up? Cos that seems not very doctor-y.
No.
I mean, I said it like those high school girls do in the mall.
"Oh, shut up!" I should go.
Kick it, Mr Blass.
Ring around the janitor Pocket full of - Funny.
Pocket full of what? - Zanitors.
Not a word.
- Why the giant X? - Why the stupid face? Touché.
You knocked that exit sign down.
I'm sure I can expect an appropriate response.
Shoot me in the neck.
Sounds like fun, but no.
Our game is over, buddy.
Your residency is coming to a close and that's it.
Nothing left to do, but What can I say? It's been horrifying.
- Thank you.
This is kind of cool.
Maybe we can be friends.
- Like hunting squirrels? - I've never tried it.
Easiest thing in the world.
All you need is walnuts and a boxing glove.
And the day just got better from there.
Mostly because Mr Radford had the same "screw you, Dr Cox" attitude I had.
Good stuff, Mr Radford.
I'm proud of you.
I hate you.
Excuse me, doctor.
I dropped a nickel in that therapy whirlpool.
Could you get it for me? OK, but stand back.
These things can be pretty dangerous.
Oh, boy Turn it off! Turn it off! Are they shooting a "geeks of Sacred Heart" calendar out here? Actually, no.
I almost drowned diving for a nickel but I'm sure you're more interested in conspiracy theories about gangs and friend-stealing.
Peace out.
Why did you kick my scooter? Why? All you Americans are bullies.
That is why the whole world hates you.
Easy, Massimo.
She's gonna fix it.
Go inside, I'll meet you in my office.
He's not even Italian.
I'm sorry.
Look, you wouldn't understand.
No, I get it.
You're feeling lonely.
You're feeling rejected.
Most people around here won't talk to me, and even Johnny won't take my help.
Who's Johnny? He's a resident, has gelled-up hair, and he's in a motorcycle gang.
I knew it! You act like everyone's boxing you out but you wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me.
Peace out, baby.
Why is everybody saying that? Great news, baby! I just picked your grandparents up from the airport! Hang on, Nana! Hang on, Grandpa! Not only did I get them home, I lost six pounds! Give me those stupid keys! That's what I think of your scooters.
No more bugs in my teeth, no more helmet head no more making deals with God every time a truck passes me.
It's over! That's it! - What the hell just happened? - You got married, Turkelton.
That, my friends, is Mr Radford getting out of bed.
And that's Mr Radford falling back into bed but still enough to rub it in Dr Cox's face.
I wouldn't do that unless you want him to rub your face in it.
Did you not see what happened? Or do you not get face-rubbing? It's more than a way to memorise names.
Johnny, what Dr Cox did was classic reverse psychology.
And so's this.
Behavioural modification can be brought about through classic conditioning.
Reverse psychology? Nothing? - That kills at psychiatric conferences.
- I must go to one of those.
Look, isn't it possible that Dr Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy? Hmm No.
After he said there was no hope, didn't you both work harder? No.
You're like a crazy person.
I'll tell you something else.
Dr Cox is a textbook, closed-off alpha male.
You can try forever, but you're never gonna get that hug you want.
Excuse me, I'm not a child.
I'm a doctor.
And I'll get that hug.
Hey! Watch it! Hot! - I - Hot! Hot! brought you coffee.
It's burning.
It's like fire.
Baby, I know you don't want to return the scooters.
Can't this wait till after my scooter club's fall trip through Maine? - No, Turk! - Man! Look, you're a husband now.
When you make decisions you're supposed to think about what we need, not what you want.
It doesn't seem like you're doing that.
You gave away my clock, sold my chairs and what is up with these ridiculously tiny bowls? They're sake cups, Jethro! I knew that.
Everything I do, Turk, I do it for us.
Oh, yeah? Then why does Rowdy smell like daisies? Cos I had him filled with potpourri.
- You can keep the scooters.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Marriage is gonna be tricky.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
- How are your thighs? - They're very hot and pink.
Do you want me to rub ointment on them? It's OK.
Weird.
Look at that.
I knew I smelled that odd combination of fear and baby powder.
How does he know about my belly rash? Look, Dr Cox, I know you were using reverse psychology with Mr Radford.
- You do, do you? - Yes! I figured it out without anyone helping me or explaining it to my face.
Well, nubile one, your last lesson and you didn't even need it.
Three years and it's finally over.
I know what you want.
I do.
Come here.
Oh, my God, it's finally happening.
Don't miss a moment.
Take it all in.
Good God, Fantasia.
You don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? The only difference between today and tomorrow is that when you wake up and start killing people no one can say, "He's just a resident.
" What they're gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass and when that finger of blame points in my direction I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered after you last tried to hug me.
Oh, and Don't be late tomorrow Doctor.
Whether or not you survive in a hospital is all about how you handle your relationships.
Whether it's a brand-new one or an old one you need to figure out all over again.
Oh, my God! - I can't believe you did this! - Yeah.
It's even mini-er than I imagined.
But what about you? Don't worry.
I got it covered.
Check it out.
As for me, it was my relationships that got me through my residency.
Bull's-eye! We're not done with our thing yet, are we? Nope.
For you, it's all just beginning.
The weird thing is, he was right.