The Cleveland Show s04e01 Episode Script

Hello, loyal viewers.
I want to play a game.
You're watching this on your TV, your laptop or your mobile communication device, but what you don't know is that your life is in danger.
Because I've placed an explosive in What was that? Did y'all hear that? Somebody needs to stop playing.
Ah, hell, no! Mama! Aah! Little bitch.
I love Halloween.
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Damn, that is spooky dope.
You're not wearing that.
But it's Halloween.
You're such a prude.
Donna "Saran Wrap" Tubbs is not a prude.
There's a recession, Roberta.
We don't have money for nonsense like costumes.
How come he gets a costume? Costume? This is sports gear.
It's necessary.
Got to cheer on my Stoolbend Steamers against the hated Goochland Glorioles.
Cleveland, I was just explaining to Roberta that we're cutting back right now, and that's why she has to return that slutty Halloween costume.
All right.
Roberta, you must return that costume.
Ugh! Are we really broke? Yeah, but no more than usual.
Ah, good, 'cause I'm going to drink the rest of our money at the game.
I'm going to liquidate it.
Get it? Yes.
Drinky, drinky, wee-wee? Cleveland, you can't drink this year.
Come again? You and the guys alternate being the designated driver, and this year is your turn.
The designated driver? No! I spend 364 days a year dressed like a damn nun, and the one night I want to show a little skin, my dumb old parents won't let me.
Do you want your Federline to talk to your step-pops and make things right? He hates you.
What? But I gots to be tight with my possible step-pops-in-law.
Maybe he just don't know me well enough.
He's about to get Feducated.
See, that's the stuff he hates.
Yes, I'm trying to locate Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car? What? But how'd he die? Feline leukemia? Well, that's not funny.
Oh, it's no use.
I've tried one thing I can think of to find a designated driver.
I'm screwed.
What's up, Mr.
C? Shut up.
Come on, I think yous and mes should get to know each other better.
What you doing this weekend? I'll be busy being sober at a football game unless I can find some jackass to drive me.
Wait.
There's a jackass right here.
Federline, congratulations, you're our designated driver.
Blap yeah.
Thanks for making it so we can't have costumes, Roberta.
You ruined Halloween.
It's my mom and Cleveland's fault.
They're the ones who said we can't buy costumes this year.
Except for me, 'cause I'm so cute.
Die, die, die, die, die! Aw.
Aw.
Look, I'm still going out this Halloween.
And since I can't go as someone sexy, I'm going to dress up as the least sexy thing possible.
This is how I'm getting back at my mom.
You're going to have sex with my dad.
No, I'm going as my mom.
And you should go as Cleveland.
Then we can go out, egg houses, TP trees Ow! Aah, I cut myself pretty bad! And people will think they did it.
Come on, Junior, let's get you in Cleveland's clothes.
Okay, but don't look at my breasts.
They're not finished.
No, no, no, y'all keep planning your pranks.
I'll just I'll just sit over here and bleed out.
I can't believe you'd sell this costume to a 15-year-old girl.
We want a full refund.
I'll have to, like, talk to my manager.
Eric? Can you believe Roberta thought I'd let her out the house looking like this? Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
What, you like this? Well, not on Roberta.
But on you, it's giving me a Halloween "boo-ner.
" Really? This? I don't know.
You'd be shocked to learn what it takes to turn me on now.
Mmm, porn.
Put it on, pretend you're a naughty stranger, and meet me after the game at the Travelodge.
Ooh, I love how your natural cheapness plays into the fantasy.
Mm-hmm.
You forgot your Jobs are hard.
Give me an "N"! "N"! And give me a "D"! "D"! What's that spell? Goochland! Whoops, I meant Stoolbend.
Oh, man, I am drunk.
Yo, it's dope finally hanging with you, Mr.
Brown-Biggie-Brown, the biggest pimp in town.
Wherever he go, the bitches do lay down.
"Oh, Biggie-Brown.
" And it is not at all exhausting to hang with you.
Aah, giant wet willy! Chet Butler, my previously established rival.
I'd know your willy anywhere.
Hey, Cleveland.
Shame to come all this way just to see your team get its butt handed to them.
Not this year, Chet.
It's your butt that will have my hand in it.
And going into halftime, it's Goochland 58, Stoolbend zero.
No worries, no worries.
We got this.
200 years ago, God looked down at the beauty of Virginia and shed a tear of joy.
And that tear watered the lush plains that became Goochland.
But nearby God threw a Gatorade bottle full of chew spit from his car and he called the resulting foul-smelling cesspool Stoolbend.
What else is on? Put on Army Wives.
Yes, Stoolbend, located on the banks of a polluted river of garbage and raw sewage.
So it was no surprise when, in 1841, Goochland was chosen over Stoolbend to host President William Henry Harrison and his wooden wife, Eunice.
Harrison was so moved by the glory of Goochland that he bequeathed his lumber lover to us.
And now, please stand and salute our prized possession Eunice Henry Harrison.
Let's knock on wood, baby.
What the hell is wrong with this town? She's not that hot.
Uh-oh, watch out, Eunice.
It's the pride of Stoolbend rats! How dare they mock our rats.
A lot of them are some of the best little guys I know.
Well, we may have lost 77-nothing, but I peed on every roll of toilet paper in that bathroom.
Ah, the breeze feels good on my drunk, hot face.
Yo, I think I went too far.
Oh, no! My face is cooler, but at what cost? My car! Oh, Chet, I'm so sorry.
The black president from 24 is my insurance man.
He's honorable.
Just call him.
Screw the insurance.
I'm gonna take my payment another way.
Paypal? You're gonna pay, pal! Uh-oh.
Run! I'm just gonna put in my earbuds.
I like to run to music.
Gonna be your man in motion All I need is a pair of wheels Take me where my future's lying St.
Elmo's Fire.
Listen up, fellas, Donna's waiting for me in a slutty outfit at a cheap motel.
Which one? But we're in "emminy territory.
" Now we'll never make it out of Goochland dressed like this.
Everyone, clothes off.
This is only going to attract more attention.
We need costumes.
Let's go.
Okay, almost there.
The bus station's only Head-to-toe or elbow-to-elbow? Oddly, it is the same.
She is a perfect circle.
Big gal.
Okay, everybody, be cool.
Oh, my God, Lil Wayne! Hey, yo, Weezy.
Federline Jones from Stoolbend.
I sent you my demo.
Federline, even I know that's not Lil Wayne, and I don't know who Lil Wayne is.
This my dog, Cleveland Brown from Stoolbend.
Lester Krinklesac, also from Stoolbend.
And Tim the Bear oh, you know what? My whole posse from Stoolbend.
Did somebody say "Stoolbend" four times? Get 'em! Smurf my.
Let's get the out of smurf, buttsmurfers.
Am I doing it right? Aah! No, that's the last bus! Ever? In the world? No.
Shut up, Federline.
Quick, through these vines.
Are these wine grapes? Oh, this is a vineyard.
Wow, Goochland really is nice.
Where the hell is Cleveland? Lady hot.
Drink.
Why, thank you.
Even the guy dressed as an Armenian woman thinks I'm hot.
How about you, Officer? You looking for some action, too? Maybe I am.
Trick or treat? I'm the sweetest treat on the street.
Guess that makes you the trick.
If you're willing to pay.
You're under arrest for prostitution.
Really? Oh, man, they're going to be pulling these out the field all day.
Now, make sure the security camera sees us so my mom and your dad get in trouble.
Okay.
Come on, let's go kill a horse in the principal's office.
This is Principal Wally Farquhar from the security camera room.
Remove those toothpicks.
The field is not an hors d'oeuvre.
So, Donna and Cleveland, Senior, I'm coming after you! Uh-oh, the door's locked.
Are there any locksmiths within earshot? Well, I guess I'll just count toothpicks to pass the time.
One-a-rooney, two-a-rooney, three-a-reeney, four.
Oh, man, them punks is lucky we got scared and took off running.
If we'd stayed, I would've hit 'em with a blap and a blap and a flip-flip-patty-whap- rat-a-tat-tat.
I'm the Cat in the Hat.
Enough! You're not a gangster.
You're a sheltered kid from the suburbs.
You've never done anything badass in your life.
Whitchy, whitchy, whitchy, what? You blappin' me.
"Blapping?" That's not even a word.
You're an idiot.
You were our designated driver and that's it.
Wow, this hurts.
Holt? Lester? Even you, T.
T.
Bear? A'ight, then.
I'm out! Let him go.
No one's trying to stop him.
Guys, let's hop the train home! Okay.
Okay.
Here we go.
No.
No.
No.
Now! Ew! Ow! Ew! Ow! Tim, stop eating the diapers.
Hello? Anybody home? Again, I have cut myself pretty badly.
Little help? Feeling weak.
Maybe I'll just take a nap.
Aah! This is all a mistake.
It's just a costume.
So is mine.
Yeah, I'm Whitney Cummings.
I don't belong here! Sure you don't, sister.
I can't believe someone her age is still in the game.
Hey, she's somebody's grandmother.
Back home.
Yep, safe at last.
Now off to the beautiful motel to meet my cheap wife.
I mean, to the cheap motel to meet my cheap wife.
Yo, special delivery from Fed X! Who's a gangsta now? Federline, what are you talking ab bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! That's right.
Still think I'm not a badass? I done stole they Wood-ass Wife! Ooh-ooh! Oh, my God.
Did anyone see you? No way! I'm Stealth like Jamie Foxx.
Remember that terrible movie? Nobody saw it, nobody saw me! Let's pray they go for the women and children first.
Dear Tim Tebow.
Please have them kill the women and children first.
Amen on three.
- One, two, three - Amen! Well, they're ransacking the town.
And they're looting our stores.
Nope, nope, they're realizing it's all crap and putting it back on the shelves.
This is all Federline's fault! Yeah! That's right! Yeah! Look, maybe they'll leave us alone if we give them back their Wooden Wife.
And maybe one of ours's.
Take mine! Ha, ha, marriage.
As funny as that is, why would you give back something that is rightfully ours? Quick, barkeep, what knowest thou? The Wooden Wife belongs to Stoolbend.
Goochland borrowed it from us for the ought-three World's Fair and never returned it.
Gus, how did you know this? I am 117 years old.
Wow.
Stoolbend come out and play There's only one thing to do.
Give the Wooden Wife back and grovel for our lives.
Yeah, beg for mercy! Get the hell out of town! Intern the Japanese! Yo, no way! This our birch bitch, and we ain't givin' her up without a tussle, yo! If we do, we just the punks they say we is.
Don't listen to the ass-brain.
He'll get us all killed to death.
No! The ass-brain is right.
Listen up, people of Stoolbend.
We've got to stand up to Goochland.
Sure, they may have better restaurants and better schools and better infrastructure and better people, but we have nothing.
I say to you, fellow Stoolbendipudlians, I hope we all die today! Die for nothing! Cleveland's right! I'd like that on Facebook.
Intern the Japanese! We might be at a disadvantage, but you know what you get when you rearrange the letters in "disadvantage?" You get "Advantage, Sid.
" Well, today we are Sid, and we've got the advantage! What? Stoolbend's a mess.
And we're going to make the most of the fact that it's rotting away beneath our feet.
Who's with me? I am! He got it.
Put a cone over that hole and let's go! Cone.
After our night of mischief, my dad and your mom are gonna find themselves in a whole heap of Oh, my God.
Junior, what did you do? What? Hey, it was your idea.
You're a filthy liar! Now we look and sound like our parents.
What do we want? To kill the black guy, but not because he's black! Chet Butler! Cleveland! Return Goochland's Wooden Wife and we might let you live.
You want her, come get her.
Very well, then.
Goochland, attack! What the? Rolling blackouts! This happens all the time in Stoolbend.
We're so used to the darkness, we've developed mole eyes.
They're going to eat them.
I've been given a second chance.
I'm going to DeVry to get my advanced degree.
In whoring.
Ooh, we just rolled into a rumble.
Goochlanders? Ooh, we got a jumper.
I'ma leave it.
Is that what I look like? Yo, thanks for standing up for me back at the bar when everybody called me a ass-brain.
You earned it, ass-brain.
You showed bravery today.
And you have pride in your town.
Just like every dumb hockey fan.
Federline? Blap.
Big preesh, C-Beezy.
There he is! On the other side of the river! How'd I get over there? Wait, that's Junior! Hey, Chet! What? Two Clevelands? Remember our polluted waterways? Well, welcome to the Bridge on the River Die! How did you find my throat? Nice try, Cleveland, but you missed me.
I wasn't trying to get you.
I was trying to wake it up.
We have no idea what that is.
No! No! You okay, Junior? Yeah.
But how am I gonna get across? I'm gonna show you.
Rat bridge! Hey there, baby.
Give you 100 bucks to get freaky at the Travelodge.
Sounds good to me, handsome Cleveland! Donna! Role-playing.
Yep, role-playing.
By the time I'm done with you, you're gonna be a canoe.
Hi.
I died.
Ha, ha, just kidding.
I'll see y'all next week.