The Conners (2018) s04e01 Episode Script

Oh, The Conners is live right now in front of a fully vaccinated studio audience.
Wait, what? Hey, I thought D.
J.
wasn't allowed to cook since the great grease fire of '07.
Leave him alone.
I'm just happy to see two people cooking in this kitchen at the same time.
It gives the illusion that all of our appliances - actually work.
- [Laughter.]
You know, I think doing that all the time finally broke the seal that keeps the microwaves in.
I was heating up a cup of tea and it cooked the chicken that was sitting on the counter.
You know, you can still change your mind about marrying into this group of maniacs.
Yeah.
Because once you're in, you can't get out.
I know.
I tried.
Just stop.
She ain't ascared of none of you's.
Oh, sure, she's only seen us on our best behavior.
This is your best behavior? Have you ever seen one of us wash our feet in the kitchen's sink while you're here? No, ma'am, you have not.
Hey, have you heard from Ben since he said he was thinking about breaking up with you? - Nope.
- Oh, I think you're playing it right.
The best thing you can do is give him the space he asked for.
Oh, yeah, I'm done with that.
Nothing good ever came from a man thinking too long.
I did put down a hefty deposit on an apartment to move in with him.
'Cause I want him to be sure that I want to live with him.
Wow.
There's an empowering message.
"I don't care what my kids want, I'm getting my man's back.
" Okay, all right, you'll understand when you've destroyed a relationship by being a pathological liar like your mother.
Hey.
When I lie, I lie strategically.
Pathological makes it sound like I can't control it.
You were still going to Hawaii behind Ben's back.
Stop using the truth against me.
Hey, Dad.
I'm sorry about dropping that bomb about me moving out without any warning.
It's always hard when your menopausal kid moves out for the fourth or fifth time.
Oh, oh.
Mark's shirt is not tucked in and there's no product in his hair.
Something is wrong.
You're okay or you just give up like the rest of us? I was up all night working on a school project.
Magnet school is way harder than I thought.
Yeah.
That's what you get for trying to pull yourself out of generational poverty.
We're rooting for you, but we'll save you a spot.
My project is kind of about that.
Some scientists say that choices we think we're making of our own free will are really determined by our genes.
So, I'm gonna call our relatives all around the country and see if they're like us.
Or there might be a Conners gene.
Wouldn't be faster to just start looking for a cure? I know I would be interested in something like that.
What are you going to ask them? Well, I'm gonna see if they share any of our family traits.
Low paying jobs, distrust of authority, alcoholism I just need the phone numbers of distant members of our family.
I have anticipated this.
I have carefully curated the numbers of our cherished family in this drawer.
This will take you directly up the answering machine that allowed us to avoid them.
Dead, dead.
I thought he was dead.
He turned up in Pakistan.
Cousin Kenny.
You have to call this.
You probably gonna be recorded by the feds.
All right.
Well, let's try one right now.
Hey, this is Mark Conner from the Lanford Conners.
Is this Adrian Conner? Yes, it is.
Hey.
How are you? Hey, where are you from? - I'm from Tampa, Florida.
- Nice.
Well, cool, I'm here with my family right now.
ALL: Hi! - Hi.
- And And I'm doing a survey about the Conners for school.
I'd like to ask you a question.
- I have a relative who drinks beer - Sure, yeah, please.
I have a relative who drinks beer all day and hides in the garage.
D-Does your family ever get on you about any of your habits? Um, definitely not that problem.
Uh, bad habits, oh, yeah.
I do have one bad habit of chewing my fingernails and I do get picked on for that.
But I watch a lot of scary movies, so I kind of - That's my excuse.
- Yeah, that's fair.
Well, thanks for being a Conner.
Bye.
Hey, what's this? [Cheers and applause.]
- There you go, thanks, Robin.
- Oh.
Thanks, Dan.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was just over at Madame Sweet Cakes and took a picture of the most perfect wedding cake.
- What do you think? - It's beautiful.
But $400 is a lot unless we're going to live in it.
- [Laughter.]
- [Sighs.]
Come on, it's cheaper than the other one I showed you.
I keep telling you, it's not worth it.
Once my family digs into that thing, it's going to look like a frosted seal after a shark frenzy.
Hey, you guys.
- What do you think of this cake? - Oh, wow.
$400.
What is it made out of, Elon Musk? All right, I guess I'm outnumbered.
I'll see you later.
- What are you looking for, ladies? - Uh Can't be bananas, 'cause we don't carry banana.
Oh, save your fancy salesman patter.
Now, we're just putting up some big screens for the Lunchbox's reopening as a sports bar, and we need mounts.
And Jackie also needed a few things for crowd control.
I'm filling in for Aunt Becky while she's at her rehab retreat.
We're going to open with a beer special.
Bring your own beer helmet, and we'll fill it for $1.
It could get ugly, so Uh, I'm gonna need an axe handle and a taser.
Aisle three.
Hey, is Ben around? He's still living his best life in the little camping section in back.
- Good luck, honey.
- Thank you.
I'm going to take a bag of these pork rinds.
Who can say "no" to a cute little vegan with crispy pig parts? Better run, Darlene, it's a lot further than you think! [Laughter.]
- JACKIE: No.
Darlene! - DAN: Where are you going? JACKIE: It's the set opposite Wellman Plastics! Where your bedroom used to be.
[Knock on door.]
- Hey.
- Hello.
Hey.
I brought you some pork rinds.
Oh, thank you.
I've had my eyes on these since I put them on the rack.
Uh, I also brought you this.
Whoa.
You put $1200 down on an apartment? No, I put $1200 down on us.
I am dead serious about us living together, and I want to show you that I'm finally putting you before everything else.
Okay.
Well, this is big.
I believe you're serious.
And? Well, I wasn't expecting this.
- I might need a minute.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
I want you to be sure, because I know I am.
So, absolutely, take a minute.
[Sniffs.]
- Oh, you didn't mean that literally? - No.
Oh, okay.
- Hi, is this Lisa Conner? - Yes, it is.
Hi.
Hi.
This is Mark Conner from the Lanford Conners.
My sister is going to ask you a question, but first, my family's broke and riddled with heartbreak.
So, what do you think is more important, money or love and why? Uh.
.
Money.
'Cause you can always buy love.
[Giggles.]
- Yeah, no, you're right.
- Fair enough.
So, here's my question.
I'm a tattoo artist.
If I could give you any tattoo, what would it be? Uh, probably a flower.
Just something generic and pretty.
Okay.
Something I could live with my whole life.
- [Laughter.]
- Okay, cool.
Well, thanks for being a Conner.
Bye.
[Applause.]
Uh, excuse me.
Can you tell me where Darlene Conner's office is? - My I ask who is calling? - Just tell her Ben, thanks.
Oh, wow, you're Ben? Okay.
You, uh [Chuckles.]
You don't look like an uptight buzzkill at all.
You look more like a hipster werewolf sort of guy.
Well, thanks for your opinion, guy I didn't ask.
- And you are? - Jeff.
Jeff.
Darlene is my boss.
And I didn't I didn't mean anything by that.
I'm just saying that you look like a guy who would want to go to Hawaii.
[Forced laugh.]
Darlene told you about Hawaii? Sure, yeah, yeah.
W-We all share stories at lunch.
[Sighs.]
You know, I can't believe that you would ask your lady to use her vacation money to pay bills when she clearly needs some emotional downtime.
It's a douche move, dude.
Okay, I think I've heard about enough about Hawaii.
Now, just point me to Darlene unless you want to end up stuffed into one of those boxes.
No, guys, stop.
Ben, it's not his fault.
I-I only invited him to Hawaii because I was so mad at you.
Okay, that is not at all what we were talking about.
But I'm guessing that that is what the two of you are talking about now.
Peace out.
You're gonna go to Hawaii with another guy? What the hell? You know I came down here because I wanted to tell you I wanted to move in with you.
I cannot believe I was ready to trust you again.
No, you can trust me.
It was totally platonic.
It could have been a girlfriend.
Oh, if it was a girlfriend, you would have told me about it.
And a platonic trip to Hawaii? The entire island is one big bed.
Ben, please, let me talk.
No, everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie! We will never live together.
We'll never be together.
This is over! [Clattering.]
I can't get Darlene to stop cleaning.
I mean, I feel bad that Ben broke up with her this morning, but to be honest, the living room is spotless.
Uh, Darlene, you have to slow down.
Why don't you stop, have a glass of wine, we'll talk.
No, just let me do this.
If I stop, I'm gonna start crying again.
Hey, Ben just found out about Jeff, give him a chance to cool down.
No, it won't work, okay? He's done.
I could see it in his eyes.
I'm just gonna have to accept the fact that I'm gonna live the rest of my life alone.
Darlene, you are not alone.
Right, thank you, I know.
You've always been there for me.
No, I mean, there's a lot of messed up people like you who don't deserve good relationships.
- Oh, my God.
- That doesn't mean you can't change.
I mean, I did, but the chances of lightning striking twice in the same family I'm going to jump in here.
Here.
Come on, just stop.
Look, sit down.
I know this is devastating.
But I know someone out there who can help you.
No, I've already been to a therapist.
No, there's another way.
It's a little less traditional.
Okay, it's a life coach.
I guess I could come out of retirement.
No.
You stay retired.
I'm talking about a spiritual adviser.
- Like a psychic? - Oh, that's a great idea.
Those people are magic.
One of them told me once to stop being a life coach, - and it happened.
- [Laughter.]
Right after the state told me.
[Sighs.]
Look, she's not just a psychic.
She has great insight.
She helped me see things about myself that helped me make better choices.
Before I met your dad, I was a mess.
Now I'm in the best relationship of my life.
Wow! Uh, I don't know.
It just seems like a little Wu Wu Oh, come on, Darlene.
You know me.
I'm not a Wu Wu person.
- What have you got to lose? - All right.
I-I'll give it a shot.
And I can't feel any worse than Oh, no, you could feel way worse.
You know, sometimes you think this is the bottom, but this is just a trap door to the next layer of hell.
Jackie! There's room for both of us to help, Louise! Thanks for helping Darlene.
Well, we're about to become family.
So, I want everyone to be in a good mood when they come to our big, fancy wedding.
There, I said it.
Now get used to it.
You want a big wedding? How are we going to do that? We don't know that many people.
Well, you don't, but I do.
I have a big family and lots of friends.
The only difference is I don't live with them all.
[Laughter.]
I'm willing to pay, Dan.
Trust me, you're going to wish you had that money back to do other things.
Here's a little secret.
I was very happy I married Roseanne.
But if we had shacked up, I could have had a boat.
I don't want a boat.
But I wish you had one so you could sleep on it tonight.
I'm going back to my place.
What did I say? I was at the wedding.
Would have been a pretty crappy boat.
[Laughter.]
Louise said to say thank you so much - for squeezing me in.
- Oh, sure.
I'm just finishing up my dinner.
Yeah, you know, you're nothing like I thought you'd be.
No beaded curtains, no crystal ball, and you're not all scarfy and jangly like Stevie Nicks.
She's a doubter, Ann.
Oh, well, maybe she gets that from your mother Beverly, because I am sensing Ooh, she's a nasty old buzzard.
BOTH: Oh.
That's unbelievable.
I mean, it's one thing to get the name, - but to get the right kind of bird? - [Laughs.]
Let me see your hands.
Yo, before you start on this mess, my boyfriend, Neville, is he the one? And also, you mentioned my mother.
I haven't heard from her in quite a while.
Could you check the afterlife? 'Cause I-I just don't want to waste people's time with a silver alert.
ANN: Um - It's unclear.
- Which part? Whether I should be paid for one reading or two.
- Oh, gotcha.
- Mmm.
Let's see here.
Mm.
- Oh, my God.
- What? What? I've never seen anything like that before.
You're surrounded by such a toxic cloud, that I can't see your future.
Toxic cloud? What does that mean? I-I don't have a future? Well, no, it's [Sighs.]
Your cynicism and your skepticism is so strong, I can't pierce the veil to give you a reading.
It's like I can't get any light from you.
You have no spirituality.
You are spot-on! Can I split a reading over two credit cards? Look, I don't understand.
I came here because my boyfriend dumped me.
What does having no spirituality have to do with it? Well, it's like having barbed wire all around you.
No one can get close to you.
Am I completely off base here? Have the rest of your relationships been healthy? No.
They haven't.
All right.
So, how do I change it? - Can you cast a spell or something? - [Laughs.]
Someone loved Hocus Pocus as a child, huh? No.
If you want change, you need your spirituality to connect with something that's larger than yourself.
- Are you talking about God? - It just depends.
That's your journey.
I can't help you with that.
Well, there you go.
God, no God, it's up to you.
Now, why don't you scoot over and let me take the rest of the session.
Scoot over.
Scoot over! [Grunting.]
LOUISE: Really? Good morning.
How did you sleep? Stick it in your ear! Okay, look, I'm just confused why you want a big wedding.
You're like me.
You don't like a lot of fuss.
You don't need fancy things.
I know it's a shock.
That a tough gal like me would want a church and a dress and a big wedding cake The whole thing.
It's a shock to me, too.
But it hit me last night.
It's because my parents never had a real wedding.
They just went down to the courthouse like they were paying off a traffic ticket.
That's how their marriage felt.
Well, I wish I had known that.
Now I feel like a jackass.
You are.
But the main thing is you have to hear me when I tell you what I want.
You had 47 years of marriage with Roseanne.
To learn, to read each other's minds.
And when we've been married for 47 years, you can do the same with me.
From that urn on the mantlepiece.
I think you mean Folgers can, - but I get what you're saying.
- [Kissing.]
[Applause.]
[Music playing on TV.]
DAN: What are you watching? Oh, it's a documentary about Einstein and religion.
I'm trying to understand how a logical, educated person can get to a place where they believe in God.
Wait, is my little atheist losing faith in her lack of faith? - I am completely lost.
- [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
The psychic said that I need spirituality in my life if I'm ever going to change.
Do you think there's a God? I think he's on a break right now.
But he occasionally returns a call.
[Door opens.]
Hey! - Did you go back to the psychic? - Yeah.
- What's wrong? - It's bad news.
It's my mom.
Still not dead.
[Laughter.]
[Sighs.]
Surprised to see me, right? It's been a long time.
I know I said you don't exist, but I am gonna try to believe in you.
[Sighs.]
I once asked my mom if there was a god and she said "Well, if there's not, we're screwed.
" So, I hope I'm not screwed.
Hey, thanks for Mark.
And by the way, maybe some day you'll explain to me why you gave me Harris.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake, well, I'll know you're still pissed.
Amen.
Hi, is this Kerry Conner? Yeah, it is.
Hi.
Hi.
This is Mark Conner from the Lanford Conners.
Um, I have a question for you D-Does your family ever get on you about any bad habits that you have? Um, lots.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks for being a Conner.
Bye.
Hey, how is the search for the Conner gene going? Well, half the Conners are broke and drink like fish.
But they're really great people.
I hope we get to meet them in person some day.
Oh, I went to a cousin's picnic once.
They stole my shoes and my Monchhichi.
I can't wait for the reunion.
So, what's your conclusion? Oh, it's a mixed bag.
Some of the Conners are doing really well.
So, who knows? You know, I think it is up to you.
I think your genes set you off in a direction, but you can change that direction.
Like for example, we don't change the sheets a lot in this house, - but we could.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah.
And if nothing else, now I know my genes might be trying to destroy me, so failure can't sneak up on me like it did you guys.
Oh, no.
It didn't sneak up on us.
It rang the bell and we opened the door and said: "Hi, we've been waiting for you.
" [Applause.]
ALL: Here's to you, Norm!