The Detour (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

1 Baby it's fine, okay? She left her stupid alpaca.
She doesn't go anywhere without this thing.
- Where are you going? - Got to go get my alpaca.
Oh, my God, you're 14.
We need to chat.
Delilah: Mom, Dad, it's me.
I guess by now you've figured out that I've run away.
When I'm gone, I'm gonna miss you most of all.
- Where am I going? - I'm going far away.
It wasn't an easy decision to make, but it was one I made a long time ago.
God, I'm sick of being on this loser team.
Hey, we're not down by that much, okay? - Stay positive.
- I'm talking about our family! - You're still a bitch! - Do not talk to your mother that way! And who are you? Are you this bitch's friend? I just want you to know that I love you all, but I can probably do better on my own.
- That's the guy you like? - Mm-hmm.
But mostly I'm just using him for his car.
Please, don't come looking for me.
I don't want to be found.
So believe me when I tell you you'll never find me.
[Horse snorts.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Horses neighing.]
[Horses snorting.]
Robin: Wait, hold on.
What's going on? Why are you turning back? They seem a little freaked out, don't they? He's just talking about my hat.
[Chuckles.]
Merci.
- Whoa! Guys! - Wait! - Hey! - Guys, where you going? Nate, I'm a little scared.
I think we should go with them.
What are you talking about? The village is only a mile away from here.
Yeah, but based on their reaction and the smell of things, I-I think maybe we should just go with them.
[Sniffs.]
It smells like dead skunks.
So what? Yeah, what plant that smells like dead skunks would freak the police out? - Raisins.
- God, it's weed.
Weed's not a plant.
Come on, Nate.
Let's just go.
Absolutely not! Okay? We have been searching for our daughter for months, and this is the closest lead that we've had, okay? We know for a fact that she was in Machu Picchu.
- In Peru.
- And that guy there That you paid money to.
Who very reliably told me that in that village just over that fence there is a little blond girl who ran away from America - Turn around.
- a mile away from here! - Nate, turn around.
- No! Never! All right? Turning around is giving up, and I don't give up on family.
Oh, you don't? You gave up on Vanessa.
She's not fam She framed you twice.
What about Edie? She stole my sperm, shoved it up her vagina, and made a baby with it, okay? That's an insane woman.
I don't give up on family that I like.
One, two, three.
All right, I don't want to give up either but I'm very concerned about our safety.
Babe, nothing's gonna happen.
Have you forgotten who I am? I'm a dad with a particular set of skills.
Let's ride! Hyah! Come on! Whoo! Let's go! Hyah! Hyah! Whoo! Come on! Yeah! Get some! Whoo! Go! [Horse grunting.]
- Oh! - Ooh.
Oh.
Oh, you okay, babe? I'm going to find my daughter.
With or without this lazy asshole.
That's That's a dead head.
It's a dead head.
These are real human heads.
They couldn't say "dead head" in English?! [Man screams, gunfire.]
Go! Go! Run! Fast! Go! [Horse neighs.]
Wait for me, you [bleep.]
idiot! Now you run! Oh, now you run! You stupid idiot! Get back here! [Woman singing in Spanish.]
[Distorted music plays.]
Robin: [Sighs.]
They say a storm's coming in.
- Who's they? - The locals.
- [Sighs.]
- What the hell do they know? The weather pattern of the mountain they've spent their entire lives living in the shadow of.
Okay, well, then it's the perfect storm.
No, please don't invoke a trip where everybody dies.
It was a movie.
No one really died, okay? And besides, it's the perfect storm because she's gonna be trapped up there, nowhere to go, terrified.
- It's great.
- I don't know, Nate.
This lead is really thin.
All we know is that she's in Tibet somewhere.
Yeah, and a guy, who I did not pay money to this time, said there's a little ninja starfish entertaining monks in an ancient temple singing a song called "It's Fun Being Weird.
" How is that not her? Hey, was this the same guy who said that there was a young taekwondo master at the Taj Mahal? - Different guy.
- Oh, then maybe it was the No, no, no, ba-da-da.
Do not bring up Japan, okay? No Japan.
Good.
I don't know.
Did you ever think maybe she just doesn't want to be found? She sends us videos every month, right? - Yeah.
- They're a cry for help.
They're saying, "Mommy, Daddy, please come find me.
" Do not come find me.
- Can't listen to her words.
- Oh, okay.
Listen to my words Do not come find me.
She's a child.
She still needs us to teach her things.
I taught myself how to swim.
I even learned the breaststroke.
- It's the easiest to learn.
- It's not.
Okay.
Check out the ninja starfish! She taught herself how to play guitar! It's fun being weird Okay, just shut it off, all right? She needs her parents.
Period.
- So does Jared.
- Oh, he's fine.
He's a boy.
No.
No.
[Speaking Cantonese.]
No! No.
We're moving too fast.
I don't even know your name.
Hey, phone, how do you say, "what is your name" in Chinese? [Speaking Cantonese.]
No h-way.
No h-way! - [Guitar riff plays.]
- Yeah! This is so cool.
Now we're connecting.
All right.
Hey, phone, how do you say, "What is your age?" in Chinese? [Speaking Cantonese.]
No, that's only 10.
Okay, 10 in China years, but, uh, how many in American? Geez.
[Panting.]
Ready for a hike? Hey! There he is.
Whoa, geez.
You all right? Yeah.
Yeah, we got to get out of here right now.
- We got to get out of here.
- Yeah, absolutely.
See, that's my un-stunted boy.
When it comes to family, he knows how to get some.
Yeah, just got some, and she was 10.
10? She was - Nice.
- No.
Don't.
Don't condone him rating women numerically.
- Gross.
- Yeah, it's gross, man.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Right.
Okay, and I betcha she's a 10 in there too.
I didn't know! All right.
He wants to find his sister.
- So weird.
- Let's get some.
Whoo! - Race you up the mountain! - I'm not doing that.
[Laughs.]
Why are we going down? Jared, wait up! Come on! Save some energy.
Come on, get in.
Get in what? That's not ours.
It's my girlfriend's.
She said we can use it to go upriver.
- Up to where? - The temple! - Let's go! - The temple's up the mountain.
She told me about a secret Chinese entrance.
Dad, please! Just trust me.
- Okay.
- What? Okay.
What's the worst that could happen if we're going the wrong way? - You sure about this? - Yes, yes! Okay.
You're lucky I'm a boat guy.
Load up.
Ancient Chinese shortcut, my Ow! [Wind chimes tinkling.]
How'd you find me? We looked all over the world for you.
Did you ever think maybe I didn't want to be found? Why'd you do it? Why'd you leave? So many different reasons.
None of which were you.
That's good to know.
It's been a really rough year for me.
- Um, what the - Oh, this is Lupe.
I met her in Peru at that Pikachu temple.
Mm.
Mmm.
Gracias.
Dear God.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe I've just missed you so much that I'm just replacing you with random girls or you really were just the biggest cock bock in the world and things are finally just working out great for me.
[Whistles.]
[Speaking native language.]
I sure hope you're being a gentleman with all these girls.
Of course.
This chick, Sunitha, I met her in India.
Her boobs were completely different sizes.
I didn't say anything.
Did not even mention it to her.
[Wind howling.]
I think he's warming up.
I'm just really worried that he's he's leaving a trail of chaos behind him because we've been on the road this whole time.
You know, he never has to face any of the consequences.
He was making out with a child.
Okay, in his defense, she did not look 10.
What are you t We were all wearing snowsuits.
How do you know? I'm amazing at guessing ages.
- Oh, my God.
- I could've worked at a carnival.
I'm not great at guessing weight 'cause I always think people are fatter than they are.
- Nate.
Nate.
- You know, for me, it's Nate, we we we got to flip him.
- What? - Just - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yep, yep.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Come here, pal.
That's it.
No, listen, I'm not condoning what he did, okay? - But he didn't Oh! - Yeah.
- No! - Yes.
- No! Take him back.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - It's too weird.
It's too weird.
- Take him back! Take him back! - It's too weird.
- It's not weird for me? - It's not sexual.
- Ew! Gross! Why would you even say that?! Of course it's not! You didn't have a problem with it when he was a baby.
You used to laugh at it.
Yeah, 'cause it was half the size of my pinkie when he was a baby, and it was funny because no one ever tells you babies can do that.
- Now take it back! - No! No! You have more experience with this.
It should be pointing at you.
My experience with it is pointing away from me.
Well, is there anything we can do to get rid of it? - Oh, my God! No! - I don't I mean, I don't know! - Gross! - What do you mean? Why would you want me to Absolutely not! It's not a stiff neck.
It's a stiff Sweetie, he's shivering.
Please.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
Fine.
There's nothing weird about this, okay? It's just a father and mother trying to warm up their son with a big You're doing great.
You're doing great.
It's not It's not I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it! It's too weird! I'm going to get our daughter.
Nate, no! - No.
No, I'm going.
Sorry.
- Nate! I'm sick of waiting around for a storm that's not coming.
I'm going to get her myself.
[Wind howling.]
Hey! Hey, buddy! You okay? Buddy! Can you hear me? You're gonna be all right! I could've been a doctor! Aw, shit.
You're dead, aren't you? Hey! Hey! This guy's dead! [Speaking native language.]
We can't leave him here! We got to get him off this mountain! No man left behind.
You ever heard the expression? 1982? Well, that explains the neon.
I'm gonna get you out of here! I just got to find my daughter first.
Ah! What's up, man? Whew! That is a hell of a climb.
I'm assuming by the getup that, uh, this is the ancient temple.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
[Grunts.]
Whew! Oh, come on, man.
I just climbed through a crippling snowstorm.
You don't think I can make it up another 3 feet without being attached to a child safety string? Come on.
I'm a pro.
Shit.
Shit.
Aw, shit! [Bleep.]
[Grunting.]
[Grunting continues.]
[Laughs.]
Aaaah! Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
[Screaming, grunting.]
Aaaah! Oh, I got you.
I told you I'd come back for you! Yeah! I'm riding you like a motherf Aah! [Grunts.]
[Screaming.]
Aw, shit! Oh my God! Aah! [Screaming echoing.]
Aw, shit! Aah! [Grunting.]
[Screaming.]
[Grunting.]
Aah! Oh! Babe! I'm so glad you stayed.
I think we should all really be together as a family to greet her, you know? All right, let's go on.
The storm's passed.
[Breathing heavily.]
I fell down a mountain.
[Doors creak.]
[Doors close.]
Nate: Oh, hey.
How are you? Good to see you again.
I was the guy that fell.
Oh! You got my backpack! I thought I lost it.
Ah, bless your heart.
So, is our daughter here? Oh, yeah.
Uh, do you have any cash? - Oh, yeah.
- This is karma, right? That's what we're doing? - What does he need money for? - I don't know.
Beads? Tea? Haircuts aren't free.
Also, what do you care? I just don't want to hear anymore that Buddhists are the good ones.
They all take your money.
Hey, can you do me a favor? Be like the Buddhists and take a vow of silence for a few minutes? Sorry.
[Chanting.]
It's fun being weird It's fun being weird It's fun being weird You should try it sometime It's fun being weird It's fun being weird It's fun being weird You should try it sometime It's fun being weird It's fun being weird It's fun being weird You should try it sometime It's fun being weird It's fun being weird It's fun being weird You should try it sometime Ha! I'm the mayor! This thing is fun! That's factory setting.
Sorry, it's Nate: Delilah, we've been to every corner of this earth looking for you, and there's nothing we wouldn't give to just sit quietly on a beach with you again and watch your amazing breasts breasts breasts breasts br-br-breast breast Stop! Stop! Stop! It's breaststroke! The swimming move you taught yourself.
I'm Stop.
Stop, please.
Please, Nate, stop.
Delilah, honey, we just we need one minute of your time, just one minute, to let you know how much we love you.
What the Who are you? Where's my daughter? W-What have you done with my daughter? This is her song.
How do you know this song? Where is my daughter?! How do you know this song?! YouTube.
It's fun being weird It's fun being weird It's fun being weird You should try it sometime It's fun being weird You should try it sometime Jared: I want to go home.
Robin: I know, honey.
We're going home.
Not like a hotel, like home, home.
I don't want to travel anymore.
I want a full-size toothpaste.
Okay, we'll get you one of those.
I can't go.
I need my daughter back.
So do I.
But she doesn't want to come home.
Nate, she's off seeing the world, and we have to face the fact that she doesn't want to be found.
I can't live without her, okay? That means I can't leave without her.
What about us? I need a husband.
Jared needs a father.
And I can't be good at either of those things - until I have her back.
- Listen to me.
If we don't start learning from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them.
- Thought you hated Buddhists.
- That's not Buddhism.
It's just me calling my shitty parenting a mistake.
I get it.
I suck.
But I don't want the same thing to happen to him.
I have like maybe two years left with him, and I need to make them count.
So please, Nate, let's go home.
Come on.
[Helicopter whirring.]
I love you both.
- Honey, she's not here.
- I got to check.
- Okay, they're good.
- Nate! No! What are you doing? She's not here! Nate! Come back! [Men chanting in native language.]
Hey, guys, just checking in from Rome.
You know, being weird.
Not doing what the Romans do.
Just going for a paddle in New Zealand.
Hut-hut! Hut-hut! This is my 18th and final video from Egypt.
As expected.
.
Hey, mate, you said you were gonna help us row.
[Australian accent.]
Oh, sorry, mate.
I'm just exhausted, you know, mentally.
Been looking for my daughter for over a year.
You know, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find one person on this tiny globe.
You know, it's like finding a needle in a haystack.
Or more like a corn dog in Egypt.
[Normal voice.]
Is that a Maori phrase? I like that.
I'm gonna use that.
No, man, I'm saying she's eating a corn dog in Egypt.
That's weird.
That is weird.
There's no corn dogs in Egypt.
There's no corn dogs in Egypt! This is my 18th and final video.
That's just par for the course.
Man: She's eating a corn dog in Egypt.
That's weird.
Delilah: Hut-hut! Hut-hut! Putt-putt.
Guys, it's putt-putt! She went to putt-putt! This is in Syracuse! She didn't go anywhere! I used to take her here all the time! I'd be so mad at myself for being such an idiot and not realizing this [Crying.]
but I'm so happy right now.
You're a very wise culture.
Cheer up, buddy.
- Te waka.
- "Te waka" means "canoe.
" Te waka! Oh, hell! You should probably stay in it! 'Cause that's a long swim, bro! [Men chanting in native language.]