The Exes (2011) s04e01 Episode Script

That smells great.
What you cooking, Nana? Paws off.
It's for Haskell.
Since he refuses to come out of his room, I'm going to lure him out with the delicate aroma of his morning favorite, jowl bacon.
You trying to lure him out or kill him? - I can't believe he's in love with Nicki.
- I know.
So what happened after he blurted it out? Oh, she said, "what?" And then he ran.
Then I said, "what?" Then I ran.
- Why did you run? - Instinct.
I hear the words "I love you," I'm gone.
Well, he can't stay locked in his room forever.
[Blowing.]
Stuart, it's not happening.
Oh, it will.
[Chuckles.]
Bacon is a primal smell that no man can resist.
Do I smell bacon? Yeah.
We're using it to lure Haskell out of his room.
I can't believe you two knew how he felt, and you didn't say anything.
Oh, well, he asked us not to, and we made a pact.
That's right, sisters before misters.
- Up high.
- Hey.
Hey, there he is.
Where you going, buddy? To a land far, far away.
Haskell, we know you're embarrassed, but you can't just run away.
Yes, I can.
When humiliated, the Lutzes flee.
The reason we emigrated from Romania was due to an unfortunate incident at the prince's dinner party involving an unmuffled fart.
- Sweetie, may I say something? - No.
Now that the cat's out of the bag, don't you think you at least owe it to yourself to find out how Nicki feels? Are you crazy? I can never face that woman again.
Hi, Haskell.
Oh, hi.
Guys, would you mind? I'd like to speak to Haskell in private.
Of course.
You guys heard the lady.
Scram.
Oh, me too? Oh, I'm sorry.
What the hell is wrong with you? Ow.
What kind of person says they're in love with someone they barely know? I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
Look, I just got out of a marriage.
The word "love" is confusing to me right now.
It's scary, terrifying.
It's a horrible, horrible word.
I'll never use it again.
Look, Haskell, you're a great guy.
Nicki, wait.
- May I say something? - No.
Let's say Haskell had never said the I word.
Is he someone you'd at least consider going out with? - Yeah, I guess so.
- Oh.
And, Haskell, would you Oh, God, yes.
I mean, whatever.
Well, then why don't you guys go out to dinner and get to know each other better? What, you mean like on a date? I wouldn't put any labels on it.
So would we be I said no labels.
Well, perhaps in the future, if our schedules should happen to line up, maybe we could get a quick bite? How about dinner tonight? I'd love to.
I mean, like it.
I'd like it.
I'd like it.
How about we go for Chinese? I'd love that.
Hey, it's food.
I can say it.
[Upbeat music.]
Well, that was an adventure.
I haven't walked through Times Square in years.
Yeah, I still feel bad about what I did to that Charlie chaplin statue, but when it came to life, it scared the hell out of me.
Well, here we are.
Yes, here we are.
Look, as delightful as it was, my lady, I think it's best if the evening ends here.
Well, aren't you just the gentleman? I really appreciate you taking things slow, Haskell.
- Baby steps.
- Baby steps.
All right, well, night-night.
Night-night.
[Chuckles.]
Doo-ba, doo-ba, doo-ba, doo-ba, doo-ba.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
[Knocking on door.]
So much for night-night.
What's up, Haskell? Oh, I'm not Haskell.
I'm Steve, remember? You sublet my apartment when I moved to L.
A.
Course I remember.
Come on in.
- How's the acting going? - Great.
I just booked a commercial that starts shooting in town tomorrow.
Well, look at you, big, successful actor.
Well, what brings you here? I'm broke, and I have no place to stay, so I was wondering if I could stay here.
You want You want to stay here? Yeah, it would just be for a few days.
You wouldn't even know I'm around.
- Where would you sleep? - On the couch.
I've done it millions of times when friends used to crash here.
You fit on the pull-out couch? It pulls out? Huh.
I don't know, Steve.
I don't know about this.
Oh, oh, please, Nicki, I have nowhere else to stay, and this job is really important to me, not only financially but economically.
Okay.
Okay, you can stay.
Thank you.
Thank you, Nicki.
Oh, man, I am really nervous about tomorrow.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, would you mind running lines with me? Me? I don't know how to act.
Oh, don't worry, all you have to do is say the words.
Oh, well, I can do that.
Been saying words my whole life.
There, I just said those and those.
Ha! I'm a natural.
Great.
I'll be right out.
I just have to get into wardrobe.
Wardrobe? It helps me get into character.
Oh, getting into character.
Suddenly I feel very inside Hollywood.
[Grunts.]
What's the commercial for, tires? No, underwear.
Well, I'd buy them.
All right, so I am reading the role of athlete in underwear, and you read the role of coach.
Yes.
Okay.
[Clears throat.]
Great game, kid.
You were a star out there.
Thanks, coach, but I wasn't the star.
My underwear was.
Notice the snug fit, comfort waistband, and check out the easy access fly.
If you insist.
Whoa! That's not in the script.
Yeah, it's called improv.
Go with it, Steve.
Hello, gents.
Beautiful day, isn't it? The kind of day that follows a beautiful evening.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Someone had a date.
Mmhmm.
I never thought I'd say these words, but how was my sister last night? Fret not.
It was a perfect evening.
I bid her adieu at the door, but I think it's safe to say that somebody rocked her world.
You know, I got to tell you, I admire Haskell.
He saw a woman who seemed out of his reach, and yet, he went for it.
I'm sensing there's something you'd like to share? You're sensing wrong.
- Okay.
- It was back in high school.
There was this girl I worshiped, Alessandra Rivas.
Mm.
I just never had the guts to talk to her.
[Scoffs.]
What, you, Phil Chase? How is that possible? Well, Phil Chase hadn't become Phil Chase yet.
See, back in high school, I was clueless.
Then one day in the cafeteria, I looked across the room, and sitting there, looking finer than fine, was Alessandra.
I thought to myself, "I got it going on today" So I took a deep breath and started to approach.
Suddenly, one of the jocks stuck out his foot to trip me, but I sidestepped it.
Then another one tried, but I spun around.
Nothing could stop me, except a damn tater tot.
[Yells.]
[Groans.]
'Sup? And that was the first and last time I tried to talk to her.
Haskell, I'm dying to know.
How'd it go last night? How else could it go when one has a date with an angel? Ah.
I'm waiting.
For what? For my: "Thank you, Holly.
Because of you, I now have a chance with Nicki.
Because of you, I now have hope.
" Thank you, Holly.
Don't be silly.
Can I get a beer? Hey, where is Nicki? Her shift was supposed to start 15 minutes ago.
Excuse me, do you know where Nicki is? Yeah, Nicki's not coming in today.
- She called in sick.
- Huh.
Well, she was fine last night.
I wonder what put her on her back.
I should make some soup and nurse her back to health.
No, Haskell, you scared her off once.
You can't just run over there like some overbearing lunatic.
You're right.
I'll do it.
Oh, Steve, I'm ready to run some more lines.
Just got my second wind.
Okeydokey.
[Knocking on door.]
Who is it? Oh, it's me, Holly.
Uh, Holly, now is really not a good time.
I'm not feeling well, and the last thing I want to do is get you sick.
[Hacking.]
I understand, sweetie.
It's just that I brought this soup that I picked up for you at my favorite place.
Yeah, I really don't think so.
It cost me 30 bucks.
Okay, okay, I'll crack the door a little.
You just pass it to me, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
All right, well, a little wider.
A little wider, little wide Oops, too wide.
Holly, I-I'm really sick.
You should go.
You do look pretty worn out.
Whatever you got must have hit you hard.
Yeah, it did.
Thanks for the soup.
Wait, so I hear things went well with Haskell.
- Yeah, well, well.
Very well.
- Oh, I'm so happy.
And don't worry, Haskell can take it slow.
Yeah, slow, slow.
All righty.
- Well, thanks so much.
Bye-bye.
- Oh, all right.
Okay, coach, ready to go again.
Holly, look who's in town.
Steve, the old bartender.
We were just running lines.
And we had sex.
Thank you, Steve.
Could you give us a second? Okay, I'll just go do some more character work.
All right, let me explain.
How could you do this to Haskell? I didn't plan it.
He needed a place to stay.
Then he came out looking like that, and I haven't been with a man in a long time.
Things were starting to close up.
Come on, you saw him.
What would you have done? Behaved like a grown woman, because I'm ruled by my mind, not my hoo-ha.
Hey, Stuart, what's up? You know, I was thinking about your Your high school crush, Alessandra.
Ah.
You ever wonder what happened to her? Yeah, but I have no idea.
Well, I do.
I found her online.
Yeah, she lives in New York, and she's single.
You're kidding.
What does she look like? Show me.
No, you know what, don't show me.
Okay, show me.
Show me.
Show me.
Okay, but it ain't pretty.
Damn.
Damn! Huh? Huh? She is just as fine as she was in high school.
Mmhmm.
Why don't you message her? No, no, no, no.
Hi, Alessandra, remember me? It's Phil Chase from high school.
I can't believe you just did that.
What'd she say? She said, "No.
" Thank you, Stuart.
It's high school all over again.
Wait, wait, wait, she's writing more.
"I definitely would've remembered a guy this hot.
" Yeah, she thinks I'm hot.
[Cackles.]
Alessandra thinks I'm hot.
How about we grab a drink sometime? What'd she say? She said, "how about tonight?" [Both scream.]
[Both laughing.]
"I'm there, baby.
" Mm.
Congratulations, Phil.
You now have a date with Alessandra Rivas.
You damn straight! [Both laugh.]
And that's how I do it, son.
So how's Nicki? Is she back on her feet? For the time being.
[Chuckles uncomfortably.]
- Listen, Haskell - No, look, Holly.
You know, you were right.
I haven't thanked you enough for putting me and Nicki together.
You know I'm not big on thank-yous.
[Chuckles.]
Especially when what I did was so negligible.
Negligible? I was ready to give up on Nicki, but you blew on those dying embers.
You brought them back to life.
You gave me hope, and I thank you.
Stop thanking me.
Look, I mean, when you think about it, what's so great about Nicki, huh? I mean, look [As Nicki.]
I'm from Staten Island.
I don't take nothing from nobody.
Eh.
[Normal voice.]
I mean, come on.
How old is that gonna get? You could do a lot better.
Ha.
Not in this lifetime.
Hey, look who's back in town.
Ben can't act-fleck.
Hi.
Steve, what are you doing here? Oh, Nicki kicked me out.
She said something about feeling guilty.
As well she should.
I mean, you don't just sleep with every gorgeous guy who shows up knocking on your door asking for a place to stay.
[Chuckles.]
I guess so.
All I know is, I need a place to stay.
Great game, kid.
You were a star out there.
Thanks, coach, but I wasn't the star.
My underwear was.
Notice the snug fit, comfort waistband, and check out the easy access fly.
- Oh, I'm checking.
- Ooh.
[Knocking on door.]
Go away.
It's Nicki.
Nicki, no.
I'm not feeling well.
It's not a good time.
Oh, what have you got, coach? Oh, shut up.
Holly, open up.
I need to talk to you.
All right, just a second.
Okay, would you mind waiting in the other room, Steve? Okay.
Hey.
Hi, Nicki.
I just it's a bad time.
Okay, listen, I just want to tell you that I told Steve to leave.
Well, good for you.
Bye-bye.
No, no, no.
You were right.
I should have never been so easily tempted.
You are a better woman than me.
Well, you'll get there.
Now, see you.
Hey, Nicki, guess what? I found a place to stay.
Huh.
Lady, you are one big hypocrite.
I resent that.
I was simply helping a young struggling actor with his craft, and from what I can see, he's extremely gifted.
Oh, face it, you are no different than me.
You couldn't keep your hands off him either.
Yeah, but I'm not the one dating Haskell.
Oh.
Haskell.
[Door bangs.]
So you're sure it's okay that I stay at your place? Well, my apartment is kind of small, but I'll find a place to put you.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, I'm sure I can squeeze you in somewhere.
- Okeydoke.
- All right.
- [Exhales tensely.]
- Whoa, looking good, Phil.
Are you ready for your date with Alessandra? Yeah, but I'm a little nervous.
I mean, I've dreamt about this girl for, like, 20 years.
Yeah, well, I got to tell you, brother, that girl is fine.
All right, there she is.
I'm going in.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Hey.
[Chuckles.]
Alessandra? Phil Chase.
Nice to see you, Phil.
Yeah, it's good to see you too.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
Mmhmm.
So what made you look me up after all these years? Not that I'm complaining.
To tell you the truth, I had a major crush on you in high school.
That is so sweet.
Now I feel even worse I don't remember you.
It's all good.
I mean, in high school, I had pimples and braces.
I was an olympic dork, and you were way out of my league.
Phil, that was a long time ago.
As far as I'm concerned, our history begins right now.
Yeah.
[Laughing.]
[Phone rings.]
I'm sorry.
I got to take this.
Hi, sweetie.
Mommy will be home soon.
What? Who hit who first? How the hell did he get a bat? Put the twins on the phone.
I said put 'em on! Now listen to me.
You two better cut the crap, or when I got home, there's gonna be trouble.
Why is the baby crying? Then wake grandma up.
I'm on a date! Now, where were we? You got kids, huh? Yeah, sometimes it gets a little crazy, but they're really sweet.
Oh.
[Phone rings.]
Excuse me.
Yeah, yeah.
What now? What is your father doing there? Put him on the phone.
I said put him on.
Now, listen to me, you low-life bastard, your alimony's late again.
You want to go back to prison? Don't you threaten me.
Oh, yeah? Well, you wouldn't be so tough if you saw the guy I was with.
Tell him you'll kick his ass, Phil.
Whoa, I I said tell him.
You know what, it was great seeing you, Alessandra.
You look fantastic.
Green's your color.
Maybe I'll see you at the reunion, okay? So Run, and I'll tell you on the way.
[Knocking on door.]
- [Sighs.]
- Look, Haskell.
Before you say anything, just hear me out.
I am sorry that I hurt you.
This thing with Steve, it just fell in my lap.
Okay, bad choice of words.
But he means nothing to me.
You have to believe me.
I do.
Good, because I really do love spending time together.
So what do you say, can we move past this, please? No.
No? Look, I thought I could go slow, but I'm not a go-slow kind of guy.
When I care for a woman, I can't hand out my heart one piece at a time.
She gets the full Lutz.
And you deserve a woman who's ready for that.
I wish I was.
I'm just not.
I wish you were too.
All right, well, I better go.
[Sighs.]
I'll see you around the bar? Yeah, I'll see you around.
Okay.
Whoa.
Like I said, the full Lutz, baby.