The Good Place (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

1 - - Michael designs the new neighborhood.
The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans.
The other residents will be Janet Babies.
You know, if we pooled our resources, we could be done in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.
Thanks, Derek.
When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity.
But guess who's going to be doing the torturing? We built a Michael suit.
I can't do it.
It's too scary.
Hi, John, I'm the architect.
Come on in.
The Bad Place didn't pick the worst people.
They picked the people who would be the worst for us.
You need to erase my memory and reboot me.
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.
Come on in.
Wow! Just wow! It's perfect.
Everything is just perfect.
I am so, so happy.
I'm glad you like it.
It's so quaint it feels cozy, but also vibrant and limitless.
I can't believe how how utterly, completely, 100% perfect everything is You know, let's keep this moving.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and Reading lights! I love reading lights.
They are great for reading.
And, oh, check this out.
Um, hold out your hand.
And think about a book.
[BOOK THUNKS.]
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer.
This is literally my number one dream.
Also ow! [LAUGHS.]
That hurt.
Well, I have a lot to attend to.
Um welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.
Thank you so much.
Ah and I'm I'm sorry.
This has been so overwhelming, I-I forgot your name.
- Eleanor.
- Eleanor, right.
Sorry.
Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.
Well, you might! [CHUCKLES.]
Okay, can we not Oh, Eleanor, you did a brave thing and I am embracing you and I shall not let you go.
And I'm also embracing you because this feels warm and my hands are cold.
Guys, I'm good.
Honestly.
Wasn't even as bad as I thought.
I mean, who cares if he doesn't remember my name? Oof I mean, cool.
Good save, bud.
Let's just concentrate on the next resident, who gets here in six minutes.
Wait.
I need to say something.
I know this seems bleak and it feels like we're all doomed and therefore humanity is doomed.
You needed to say that? The point is, I believe that we're destined to succeed.
There is nothing that the Bad Place can throw at us that we can't handle, because we are an incredible, inspiring, brilliant group of Supercharged, d-bag, ass-wiping maniacs.
I mean, look at you.
I am so proud of how disgusting and cruel you all are.
You suck.
You all suck donkey butts.
Tahani so, so smart, and sophisticated.
She was the only one who was able to talk me out of that goatee.
Well, I lost that battle with Robert Downey Jr.
, and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.
Bambadjan such an unbelievable dingus.
And Val.
Who's a bigger skidmark than Val? Maybe your mom.
[LAUGHTER.]
Classic.
We have Janet, who can do literally anything.
She made all the other people in the neighborhood.
- Not people.
- We have me, who had a momentary setback, but I'm feeling great now.
And that was awhile ago.
Most of you don't even remember it, probably.
We have Jason, who can And marching us into battle, our fearless leader, the pride of Phoenix, Arizona, Eleanor Shellstrop! - Yay, Eleanor! - Whoo-hoo-hoo! Technically, the pride of Phoenix is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper made from cigarette butts.
It's outside City Hall.
But thank you for the kind words.
With this team, there's no problem we can't solve.
There is no problem we can't create.
And believe me, we are gonna create some a-problems.
So let's kick things off with our official Bad Place song.
ALL: 1-877-KARS for Kids K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids - Ooh, are we singing? - Shut up, Glenn.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
I think you look great.
Professional, serious.
A proper team leader.
It does make me feel authoritative, like that chick from "Law and Order.
" Well, boys, looks like we got ourselves an SVU.
I've never seen the show.
- [DEVICE CHIMES.]
- Okay, who we got next? Linda? Come on in.
So you, Linda Johannsen, are in the Good Place.
That's nice.
I know this can be a little overwhelming, but you'll get used to it.
Do you have any questions? Is there a fitness center? There can be, plus literally anything else you could possibly wish for.
Just in case we weren't clear, this is the Good Place.
A state of eternal happiness.
Paradise.
That's nice.
I like that.
So the Bad Place sent Simone to mess with Chidi, John to mess with Tahani do you think they sent Linda to mess with Jason? She's from Norway is Norway, like, the opposite of Florida? All I know is she's boring.
She makes Neutral Janet look like Disco Janet.
Disco Janet was around for awhile, years ago.
She was great.
I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
Actually, that's a good idea.
Let's unload this dead weight.
Janet? - Hi, there.
- Linda, this is Janet.
If you want anything at all, Janet can bring it to you.
Watch.
Janet, can I have a baby elephant made of pure light that tells you true secrets about the universe? - [CHIME RESOUNDS.]
- Shirley Temple killed JFK.
See? Anything you want from Janet? Can I have a peppermint? Sure.
[CHIME RESOUNDS.]
I'm gonna go over there now.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Stonehenge was a sex thing.
[CHIME RESOUNDS.]
Brent? Come on in.
So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.
Really? Well, that blows.
Ah, you know what, maybe it's a good thing, actually.
Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me.
You can't even make a joke these days! Everything is so PC.
And I was an equal-opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about everybody, and by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist.
My dentist was a black woman.
I just think people need to loosen up.
So, where am I, exactly? - The Good Place.
- Oh, cool.
Good.
So, Brent, I see from your file you were in the materials business.
Oh, yeah, big time.
Strings, chords, vinyl, synthetics, rubber we do vulcanized now, so that's huge.
Plus metals aluminum, brass, copper what else - Steel? - No, not steel.
Steel's a sucker's game.
Polymers, coatings, internals you crack open an HVAC? That is all us.
Is there golf here? There freaking better be.
Okay, well, why don't you explore around a bit while I go far away and if you need anything, you can always ask Janet.
Janet? - [CHIME RESOUNDS.]
- Hi, there.
How can I help you? Oh, a secretary.
Great.
- Not a secretary.
- Fine, fine.
Executive assistant.
Here we go with all the terms we gotta learn, right? Vice-president of helping.
Captain Marvel.
You know what I'm saying.
Oh, I'm not part of this.
Let me show you around.
Well, Linda must be here for Jason because Brent is definitely here to annoy the fork out of me.
Everyone, you may remember Matt from accounting.
The Judge has assigned him to our project.
So I'll be monitoring the four new humans.
A modified point system will be applied to their actions for the next year, and then we'll know how much better or worse their behavior is than when they were alive.
But no one will be able to see what's happening in real time.
Good luck saving humanity from eternal doom.
[OBELISK CLICKING.]
[OBELISK HUMS.]
Okay, forget about all that stuff.
For this first week, all we need to do is figure out what the fork is up with these benches.
So, I made this.
We start 'em out on this side, because we're like, "What's her deal?" And when we feel we have a handle on who they are, what makes them tick, we move them to this side party time.
We already know a lot about Simone so boom, see? One down, three to go.
Let's go figure out the others.
We can do this.
On three.
Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose.
Ah, sorry.
Old Bad Place rally cry.
Aww, aww.
Janet! He's walking around again.
Yeah, I see that.
Derek, what are you doing here? You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.
I can't help it.
I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.
I mean, will you look at all these beautiful babies that we made? She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.
Probably just, like, made all the butts.
I did make all the butts.
I made that butt - I made that butt - Right.
- I made both those butts.
- [LAUGHS.]
Derek, you have to stay at Mindy's house.
What if one of our new humans sees you and starts asking questions about the weirdo in the tux? Say no more, but before I leave, can I have a hug in celebration of everything that we created? - Okay.
- Aww.
That feels so Derek.
Oh.
You are all, simply put, good people.
The point of the video is to make them all confront what kind of people they were on earth.
Keep a close eye on our four subjects.
Try to gauge their reactions, you know? The subtlest glances, the tiniest flinches.
What about shaking someone by the head? What does that mean? Oh, boy.
Hey, Simone, everything okay? Yeah, well, no well, actually, it doesn't matter.
None of this is real.
Sorry? I'm a neuroscientist, so I get what's going on here.
You know, clearly, I was in some kind of horrible accident, I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing is just a hallucination constructed by my damaged brain as it slowly shuts down.
It's not real, so I'm just gonna wander around until I wake up or die.
See you later, figments of my imagination! [CROWD MURMURING.]
She's just gonna go get some popcorn from the river.
There's a popcorn river.
I'll show you guys later.
Uh, she said keep going without her, so let's roll it.
Janet, make a popcorn river.
Everyone else, meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.
Well we're off to a fantastic start.
I wish I could stay and help, but this system is so complex that if I lose concentration for even one billionth of a second, the entire neighborhood could collapse in on itself like a dying star.
Also, Brent wants a BLT.
Simone's reaction is fairly common.
When I worked in the Bad Place, some people just wouldn't believe it when they heard they were dead.
How did you convince them? They'd usually come around by the third or fourth day of mouth fleas.
Obviously not an option here.
But, if Simone doesn't think this is real, she definitely won't become a better person.
Who can convince her that this actually is the afterlife? We need someone authoritative and reassuring, like Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart or really any of my old racquetball partners would do.
Oh, I know who it should be.
If you say Blake Bortles, - I'm gonna slap you a lot.
- Chidi! I believe everything Chidi ever tells me because of his brain and how he looks like one of those owls that graduated from college.
Of course.
Time to activate our ethical sleeper agent and introduce him to Simone.
Eh, I don't know, Simone isn't struggling with a philosophy problem.
She's just, you know, like being silly.
Let's just get her to the welcome party and I'm sure she'll be fine.
Eleanor! Look what my brain did! It's not real and neither are you.
I'm in a coma and none of this is real Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach, but she is wearing the hell out of those foam fingers.
[VOCALIZING.]
Dude! Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.
I know, I just came to mix myself a Derek, and then I'll be on my way.
Before you leave, I want to call a truce.
- Hmm? - Feel like you're trying to get under my skin, but it's okay.
I've decided to rise above it.
Well spoken, Mr.
Mendoza.
Let me say in response I will destroy you.
Janet is, and always will be, my mommy-girlfriend.
You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.
[LAUGHS MENACINGLY.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Mmm Okay, status report.
What have we learned about Linda? Little, I'm afraid I tried talking to her, but it was the dullest conversation I have ever had, and this is coming from someone who once split a Xanax with Peter Sarsgaard.
Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.
We have enough to worry about.
How is Brent doing? About the same, I'd say.
Princeton.
Graduated in the top half of the bottom half of my class.
Rowing team, sailing team, class president.
I hung out with all those guys.
Okay, and John, our favorite gossip columnist? Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face with six vials of Juvederm.
I'm hoping that my corpse looks like a waxed tile floor.
My ex-boyf is going to be supes jel.
Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop.
Trying to see who gets me.
Our biggest liability right now is Simone.
Let's try to keep the three of them away from her.
We can't wait any longer.
We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.
Why? I-I think she's doing great.
See, she's getting all the cake-pushing out of her system.
I know it's painful to think of the two of them connecting, but Chidi made an incredible sacrifice.
He had his memories erased so he could help people.
And if we don't let him help Simone, it'll be all for nothing.
Fine.
Stupid ethical reasonable argument.
I wish you were a cake.
Push you over.
Are you still muttering? No! I stopped.
Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon Wow.
- [YELPS.]
- Oh! Hey, there, Simone.
Shoving people in the pool, huh? Yeah, just testing the laws of physics here in my nonsense brain jail.
Who's this? Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye.
He was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy, so I figured he might be able to help Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar.
Where did you teach? - St.
John's University in Sydney.
- Of course! I used to teach there.
I must've seen his name on the faculty list and now my dying brain is just leaking out random information.
Oh, the human mind is truly incredible! I want something else To get me through this Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby Look, sorry, uh, what what's happening now? When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke and it used to wake me up to that song every day, so now I'm singing it to try and wake myself up.
Okay, well, nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe.
Doo, doo, doo, doo-do-do-doo Doo, doo, doo [DOOR HANDLE SHUFFLES.]
Hey You know, it's bad enough you guys have taken over my house for a year and I've had to move into the attic, but now I have to walk in to find Darth Vader's turd in the middle of my living room.
I mean, what is this? No time to explain.
Also, I kind of forgot.
Where is Derek's plunger? The one that kills him.
Yeah, I used to do this whenever I needed some alone time.
Once, I rebooted him just because he was breathing super loud.
Then, when he woke up, he was like, "I don't breathe.
" So I don't know what I heard.
Well, I'm doing this because he's trying to steal my girlfriend.
Yeah, you don't need to justify it.
Again, I do it all the time.
No, no, no, Mindy, please wait, don't kill me! Oh it's you? [LAUGHING.]
Okay, well, you certainly don't have the Dereks to [DRAMATIC POUNDING.]
[BODY THUDS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah! [EXHALES.]
Oh, it's always good.
- Doo-do-do-doo, doo, doo, doo - You know what, Simone? Think of it this way.
If this is really all a hallucination, doesn't it seem kind of basic? I mean, surely, your brain would imagine something weirder than just a nice cocktail party? Oh, you mean like that? Attention, I have been Dereked.
That's probably my doctor.
Oh, this is all in my head.
I'm gonna go eat a knife.
Attention.
Murder has been me.
Let me get this straight: Derek, quote, "made mean eyes at you," so you went to Mindy's house and murdered him? Yeah, dog, but his eyes were really mean.
You're probably thinking this but they were more like this - [CHIME RESOUNDS.]
- Jason, why did you kill Derek? I had to get his giant head out of the sky before any of the humans could see, and it was not easy.
I was scared Derek was trying to slide into your DMs.
I hate being scared.
It's it's scary.
I don't have time for this.
I am running a neighborhood and its residents, and Eleanor just casually orders me to make popcorn rivers, and Brent won't stop calling me for stuff.
Ugh! Are we still boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend? We'll talk about it later.
Okay, executive decision: forget about Simone.
Janet, make sure she doesn't come in contact with the other humans.
Let's focus on Linda.
We ought to be able to figure her out if we can just liven her up a bit.
We'll just, like, sprinkle some cocaine on her peppermints or something.
Does anyone else find it suspicious that the Bad Place sent someone so dull? No, it makes perfect sense to me.
They are trying to drive us insane by giving us a big boring glob of plain yogurt.
Tomorrow morning, we start Operation Linda.
Okay, you heard the lady.
We'll meet in the town square bright and early.
Janet, set up for Flying Day.
Cool.
I'm not busy or anything, so that'll be easy.
Off you go.
Whoo-hoo! Linda, how are you enjoying the Good Place? It's good.
Everyone's flying.
You don't want to go flying any higher? No, thanks.
Oh, well, okay.
Says in your file that you like knitting.
Would you like to do some knitting right now? No, thanks.
Is there another activity you'd like to do now? You also enjoyed listening to birds.
Man, Linda, you don't even look at them? Let's go hear some birds.
What do you say? I'm gonna go get another peppermint.
Come on, Lins.
You can have literally anything you could poss - What the - [GRUNTS.]
[ALL GRUNTING, HOLLERING.]
[DRAMATIC POUNDING, AIR WHOOSHING.]
[FLIERS GRUNTING.]
[FLIER YELLS.]
Okay, so [SNIFFS.]
Maybe she's less boring than I thought.
So let me get this straight, Shawn: you sent a demon in disguise as one of the subjects? Yes, he did, Your Honor.
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC.]
Luckily, none of the other test subjects saw the mess he made, but he put the experiment at risk and he attacked me and Eleanor.
And I'm sorry, where's your shirt? I think it got stuck in the skin suit.
Well, keep it there.
Damn it, Chris, you were supposed to slowly undermine them and gradually sabotage the experiment, not just go ham on day two, you fart plume.
I told you, I'm not an actor.
And when you get back here, you won't be anything.
Okay, fine, yes, busted.
I'm a rascal.
We'll come pick him up and replace him with an actual human.
Oh, you will do nothing of the sort, mon ami.
This outrageous act must be punished.
Chidi will be the fourth subject in this experiment.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
He's perfect because he's already had his memories erased.
Although you can't erase that booty, know what I'm saying, blondie? All due respect, Your Honor, keep it in your robe.
What she means is thank you, Your Honor, we accept.
Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.
Chidi can't be part of the experiment.
They already know that he can improve.
That's like studying for a test, then acing the test.
It's cheating.
How is that cheating? You're just falsely accusing us of what you actually did.
No, that's what you're doing.
Shawn, I don't have time for this.
I just started "Deadwood" finally and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short.
If you so much as breathe on this experiment again, I will restart the entire thing from scratch, and then I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.
[PUNCHY MUSIC.]
Whoa, slow down.
[BRAKES SQUEALING.]
[GARBAGE CANS CRASHING.]
Did you put those trash cans there just so you could crash into them? That wasn't my fault, I was texting.
Okay, let him go, dung buckets.
Nice try.
We'll put him on the train and handcuff him to a bench.
Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you not to cheat again.
Surprised you figured out that Linda was a fake, because we all thought you were too stupid.
Well, it was actually Tahani who got suspicious.
Aww that is so embarrassing for you.
Seems like you're royally forking this up, just like we knew you would.
Okay, take off, and give Shawn a message for me.
Tell him that we said, "Boo-yah!" Make sure you do the hand motion.
Like, "Boo-yah!" Are you listening to me? - Okay, Michael, that's fine.
- No, show me - show me how you're gonna do it.
- That's fine.
No, it's important that she does the hand thing, 'cause it really drives the point home.
- - [STEAM HISSING.]