The IT Crowd s04e01 Episode Script

Jen, have a listen to this? Moss, have you seen the newsletter? Does this sound mysterious? Yeah, yeah, it's quite mysterious.
I was hoping for ruddy mysterious.
It's fairly mysterious.
Compiling a playlist for a role-playing game I'm hosting.
Important to get the right atmos.
OK, I don't know what you're talking about.
Kind of like a Dungeons and Dragons thing.
Ew, is this something to do with sex? Ha! Far from it, Jen.
No, you see, in role-playing, one person is a dungeon master, or game master, or keeper.
He or she controls the world and tells the players what they're experiencing, whether it's be battling with a coal monster, or just kicking back in a smelly old tavern with some roguish elves.
Played over a few hours, the game employs dice rolls to determine the outcome of certain events.
Now, unlike most board games you might be familiar with, role-playing games often use a 20-sided dice.
- Moss? - Yeah.
I want to stop listening to this.
I completely understand.
So, in the world we actually live in, a post has opened up for Entertainments Manager.
I could do that.
That sounds great.
Better than whatever this job is.
Entertainments Manager.
It's not for you, Jen.
What are you talking about? Organising cultural events and visiting business partners, that is so me.
It's not though.
It's really not for you.
Oh, what am I talking to you for? Where's Roy? Not in yet.
Is he still moping about after that girl? Worse than ever.
Thank God he can't play guitar.
Have you seen the pictures? Pictures? There's more than one of these? Yeah, there's a buttload.
And she's Photoshopped out of all of them.
Yeah, it's like someone broke up with Stalin.
It's such a shame.
I've never seen him happier than he's been the last few months.
And now - Oh, hi, Roy! - Hi, Roy.
It's okay, you're obviously talking about me.
- No, no - It's fine.
I realise I haven't been the easiest person to be around the last few weeks.
But I really feel like I've turned the corner now.
I really do.
So if we can all just carry on as normal My God, oh, my God! I feel like I've come out the other side of it now.
So, everything's going to be OK from here on in My heart hurts! You do seem better than yesterday.
But, Roy, you've got to snap out of this.
I know, I know.
Some things just don't work out.
I know you're not used to being in a long-term relationship.
It's really rare for me.
It's so rare.
But take it from me, most of them just don't work out.
She's right, Roy.
- And how would you know? - I do all right.
When? Well, if you must know, I met a girl on holiday.
They're always on holiday, aren't they, Moss? Oh, shut up, Dumpo, the elephant who got dumped! - Hey, hey! - Well No, it's okay.
I'm all right.
I mean, I'm still a bit She never said goodbye, so I just kind of It still just hurts just a little bit whenever I think about her.
So.
I guess all I have to do is just never think about her.
Simples! Oh, she used to love that ad.
It's not for you, Jen.
- What, why not? - Entertainments Manager? Do you know what that involves? Well, from what I can gather, it's just organising cultural events for out-of-town business partners.
That's right.
Yes, yes.
It's not for you.
But as far as I can see, it won't interfere with my duties in the IT department.
And I love culture.
I've seen We Will Rock You four times.
Eurgh Well, Jen, I'd love to help you, but traditionally the role of Entertainments Manager has always been held by a man.
Mr.
Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.
Now, you hold on a minute, sugar tits! Everyone saw through that report.
And I even got that award off those feminists.
The one shaped like the ice-cream fellow.
That's a Shithead Of The Year award.
It actually says it on the base, "Shithead Of The Year.
" Did you not read the base? Oh, God! Women, eh? What are they? Who knows? Don't do this.
Can't live with them, can't find them sometimes.
What's going on in their little heads? Don't ask me, I'm not a flippin' women psychiatrist.
But I have learned one or two things from conversations with my mother.
No, no, Moss, please, don't go any further, just stop right there.
You're no good at this kind of thing, Moss.
You'll just make it worse.
Sorry, it's just I've never seen you like this.
I know.
But I'll be fine.
I will.
It's just You can't help with this.
You just can't.
I've got it.
- I've got the job.
- What? Douglas gave me the job so I'd stop talking.
Jen's Entertainments Manager.
It's not for you, Jen.
Why does everyone keep saying that? - What happened to Gerry? - Massive heart attack.
I'm not surprised.
Why are you not surprised? Why is it not for me? Gerry was the He was the company Fredo.
You're the new Fredo.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Fredo, from the Godfather.
Who's Fredo again? Who's he in it? He's the brother, whose job it is to take out-of-town businessmen and Show them a good time, yeah, that's what I have to do.
I was thinking West End show No, no, Jen, I don't think you understand.
These men are going to expect a lot more than a West End show.
Fredo, Jen, he was, he was sort of a pimp.
Oh, shut up.
- Wasn't he, Moss? - What? Fredo, in the film, he was essentially a pimp.
No, he took the ring to Mordor.
Fredo was a pimp.
No, no, that film was the '70s.
Things are different now.
Businessmen are different.
Anyway, enough about our balls.
Gentleman, I'd like you to meet Jen.
No, no, no, Jen's our new Entertainments Manager.
But she's a woman, isn't she? Jen, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine, Phil.
And two men named John.
- What are you up to, Reynholm? - Don't you worry, Phil.
Jen may look like an old maid holding pennies in her arse, but she knows the sleaziest routes round this old town I like to call Londinius.
And I'm sure she's planned something suitably raucous for you reprobates.
Oh, yes, yes, I have tickets for a wonderful show in the West End.
As long as it - This thing she's bringing us to.
Oh, God! I can't read while I'm also trying to see things.
No, no, it's a show, it's a show.
- What happened to Gerry? - His heart exploded.
Brilliant! - No, he's quite seriously ill.
- That's classic Gerry.
Gerry wouldn't have brought us it's a show.
Come on, Jen, what type of show? Well, yes, well it's very raunchy.
Yes, I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Women in it? Women in it? Yes, it's an all-woman show.
It's very rude.
- An all-woman show? - And it's rude.
Eiffel Tower! I'm so sorry, I really can't apologise enough.
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
That woman was in EastEnders, how dare you humiliate her?! It's not our fault you took us to The Vagina Monologues.
You get there, and it's just women talking.
False advertising.
Look, we're in town for five more days, you better have something proper for us to do.
And the next time you take us to something about talking fannies, it better be about talking fannies.
I know you had good reasons for giving me this award.
I should never have done that interview.
But that journalist had an agenda.
There's more.
"Women are a kind of savage animal, "who men have civilised with their insatiable sexuality.
" What don't you like about that? "Women are essentially no different from radiators.
" "I like my women like I like my toast, hot" And consumable with butter.
You don't have to remind me.
I'm all too familiar with my misguided words.
Ladies, listen, no-one can mistake me for Gok Wan.
I've an old-fashioned mindset, but damn it, at least I try.
And Reynholm Industries is changing, ladies, for the better.
The glass ceiling is now a glass floor.
The women are floating above it, and the men are just looking up at them.
So, what do you want from us? Oh, please take that award back and give it to somebody else.
Mr.
Reynholm, I really need to talk to you about something.
Ah, Jen, I'd like you to meet some very special women.
Oh, no, no, no! What? Mr.
Reynholm, I will not work with prostitutes.
No, no, no, these are feminists.
You can dress it up however you like, they still sleep with men for money.
I'm sorry, no offense.
But I don't charge for these potatoes.
And I don't like women who do.
Don't listen to her! The bitch is crazy.
Douglas wants me to see out the week.
A whole week in the company of those idiots.
Culture's out, restaurants are out.
Oh, God, this is a nightmare.
Men, eh, what are they like? With their bawdy talk and rough-housing, and their wandering hands, and breath in the morning.
I'd like to see them have the babies.
What are you getting at, Moss? Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, this seems to be a problem for which you need the male perspective.
Do you know any men? You want a good time, right? One that walks on the wild side without compromising your principles? Yeah, that's exactly what I want.
Then you got it, baby! Which is why the game needs a 20-sided dice.
I've not understood a word you've just said.
What is it? Some sort of computer game? In a sense, except it uses the most powerful processor known to man.
The human mind.
But you're not playing.
I'm not a player.
But I am playing.
He sort of tells us what's happening.
I will be your guide.
Through my words, you will experience the land of Elfenheart.
From the mighty mountains that border the Goblin Wastelands.
To the sewers that run like a spider web through the city of Jandor.
I, gentlemen, will be your eyes.
I will be everyone you meet, every creature you encounter, every trap you spring.
What about him? What's this business with the face like a slapped arse? I'm sorry, I just came out of a long term relationship, so It doesn't She was the greatest woman I've ever met and I'm never going to see her again.
But it's fine, I mean, she never said goodbye.
I'm not going to bore you with it.
See that you bloody don't! I still don't understand what this game is! It seems gay.
Are dragons gay, Phil? Mighty warrior priests wielding golden staffs.
I suppose they're gay too? Here are your character sheets.
John One, you're a unicorn man.
John Two, you're a wood fairy.
And Phil, you're the Gypsy assassin, Esmerelda.
I'm a woman? I don't think I want to be a woman.
Just go with it.
It will end.
So, gentlemen, are you prepared to open the doors to your mind and travel to worlds hitherto undreamed of? Look at those fun bags.
Everybody doing okay, yeah? You good for drinks? Loosen up.
It's a role-playing party.
Jen, can I have a word? I don't think I want to hang with these guys.
Oh, come on, Phil! These guys are the best.
They're going to do things tonight that'll blow your mind.
Really? Look at them.
They're young, they're keen.
And all they want to do is show you a good time.
So get back there before you hurt their feelings.
Could I steal the lovely Roy for a sec? It's just him in all of these.
Oh, thanks, Jen, that was all getting a little bit What do you think you're doing? What? Bringing everyone down with your private life.
They don't want to know about your miserable private life.
They're here for a good time.
Look at that face.
Who'd want to role-play with that face? I'm sorry Jen I just I'm not feeling it tonight.
Then fake it, sweetheart, yeah? We're getting good money for this.
Don't you want to get the deposit for a flat, leave those bad memories behind? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - I'll try harder, Jen.
- Okay.
Good girl.
Get back there and show those Johns a good time.
Well, that cleaned the pipes.
I've got to thank you, Miranda, for giving me a second chance.
Oh, don't mention it.
Although you do know I don't have the authority to take back the award myself? Oh, what? No, we all make mistakes.
And you intrigue me.
Something tells me there's more to you than meets the eye.
Do you mean the rumours that I killed my wife? No.
- Are there rumours? - No.
There were rumours that there was a rumour, but that was just bullshit.
I didn't like the way the nominations came from inside your company.
Inside my company? Yeah, one of the women from the I department faxed a dossier of your behaviour over the last 12 months.
One of the women in the IT department? Oh, sorry, Phil.
Heal All is probably the worst spell you could have used.
The sound of your low-level magic attracts the attention of the palace guards.
Damn it! One comes through the door.
Throwing knife.
Are you sure? Quite a low damage.
I have a plus 40% chance of a critical.
Remember the talking bunny that gave me that magic bracelet? Yeah, that bunny thing gave him that thing.
You're absolutely right.
Roll 'em.
Yes! Direct hit.
The knife cleaves his head in twain and some of his brains runneth down John Two's invisibility cloak.
Eiffel Tower! Unfortunately, he wasn't alone.
Dammit! 'Tis the dreaded Imperial Guard, the cruellest of all of Queen Elisa's troops.
At their head someone you recognise.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the adventurers who have been causing me all this bother.
Lucius Santana! The very same.
Stand your men down, Lucius! We have no quarrel with you! Quarrel? I just came to see how a mismatched bunch of raggle taggle adventurers bested some of the deadliest criminals in Crackenwood.
That's us! You have my thanks.
And if you ever want to join the Palace Guard, you know where I am.
The Palace Guard? You have my sword.
And my staff.
And my bunny bracelet.
And whatever it is that I have.
The mist clears.
You see a lone, female figure.
That's ruddy mysterious.
Hello, Darkharden.
Hello.
Who goes there? It is I, Queen Elisa Eldridge of the Elves, who cruelly jilted you not three moons ago.
Don't do this.
Just go with it, Roy.
Hello, my queen.
How are you? I'm fine.
You look well.
So do you Does she? Yes, she does, actually.
Does she? So, what are you up to? Oh, you know just Just keeping busy.
Missing you a little bit.
Yourself? Usual boring pageantry.
You know how the people of Pippsiehollow love a parade.
What are you doing here? Sorry.
Sorry.
Bear with me.
Bear with me.
Bear with me.
I sense a sadness in you.
It's just hard.
You know? I miss you.
I can still smell you on our pillow.
When I close my eyes, it's still your face I see.
It's just hard.
You were here and then you were gone.
What do you want? It was not easy for me to come here, Darkharden.
But I had one thing I felt I needed to say to you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Brilliant night! Brilliant! I can't believe I've never tried role-playing games before.
I'm going to go home and tell the whole rugby club about it.
Roy and Moss did not disappoint? They did not.
I'd like to see them again.
Thank you, Douglas.
That's one special little lady you've got there.
I'm glad Jerry died.
Eiffel Tower! Eiffel Tower! Eiffel Tower! Eiffel Tower! Before you go, Jen, I know it was you.
You broke my heart.
You broke my heart! That's right.
That's right! Shut up! Oh, you've cheered up.
Oh, yeah, I'm feeling a lot better now, Jen, thanks.
Thanks to a certain Elfin queen.
What happened to Fredo, in the film? Ah, oh The Godfather has him killed.
I'm going to go home.
I'm not feeling too good.
Problem solved!