The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e01 Episode Script

Morning, Matthew.
Look at you.
out of the pajamas you gave birth in.
It's Ritchie's first day of middle school, there's gonna be new people.
I want to make sure our family comes off as dignified.
Plus, I got a letter last year asking me not to go on campus in those pajamas anymore.
I have some really big news.
Is it good for me and bad for you, or is it good for you and bad for me? - Why can't it be good for both of us? - Never seen it.
It's not that big.
I mean, it's life-changing, but in a small way.
- What's going on? - I'm gonna ask New Christine to marry me.
Oh, my God, I am really undecided how I feel about this.
I think it's great.
You do? You don't think it's good for me, bad for you? - How's it bad for me? - Now, I'm winning.
You're not winning.
I got a lot going on.
If anybody's winning, I'm winning.
I think your underwear slid down to your ankles.
These are my maternity underwear, which means I've lost the baby weight, which means I'm still winning.
I'd call it a tie.
I thought you weren't ready to get married.
I wasn't, but I love her so much.
She's the best person I've ever known.
She's brought light into my life.
Are you saying I didn't bring light into your life, jackass? No, there was lots of light with you.
Like the Death Star.
Game over! Pete signed the divorce papers, and I am out! It's so good to be out of the coffin of matrimony.
If I ever decide to get married again, kill me.
Richard's asking New Christine to marry him.
You're gonna love it.
Episode 4x01 (1.
00) So, first day of sixth grade.
Are you scared? Don't be scared.
It's the same kids, more hair, more boobs.
Man, I'm scared.
You're freaking him out.
What you do is find the biggest kid in class, punch him in the face, you got no problems for the rest of the year.
We'll walk you in.
I'm not a baby.
I can walk in by myself.
OK, honey.
- OK, you're fine.
- Nobody saw it.
Poor guy, he's got his father's coordination.
Hello, Christine's tough friend.
- What happened to you? - This.
My husband and I weren't getting along, so we decided to have another baby.
I call it my marriage saver.
This my lawyer.
I call him my divorce saver.
Excuse me.
Will you wait up? What the hell? You're pregnant too? When Marly found out she was pregnant, she made me get pregnant too, so she wouldn't have to ruin her body alone.
I'm 4 months pregnant, guess how much weight I've gained.
Lindsay is 6 weeks pregnant, guess how much she's gained.
It's not funny, I get diabetes.
Quit complaining.
It's the miracle of birth.
Come on, let's go get you some breakfast.
I said wait up! - This is not good.
- I know.
Lindsay's gonna be enormous.
That was my lawyer.
Now that I'm divorced, I may not be able to stay in the country.
- Why not? - I'm not a citizen.
I thought you were born in the Bahamas.
The Bahamas are not a part of the U.
S.
Are you sure? American Airlines flies there.
I can't believe they're kicking me out.
Wait a minute, how can they kick you out? I came here on a student visa, then I married Pete.
Now that I'm divorced, I might have to leave the country.
I'm not ready to leave the country.
I just signed a 3-year contract with my cell phone carrier.
No way! They can't do this to me! Really? It only took you 4 seconds to make this about you? It is about me, Barb.
Come on.
We're inseparable.
We're like Lucy and Ethel.
I mean, what would happen to Lucy if they shipped Ethel back to the Bahamas? Why am I Ethel? Come on, Barb.
Don't make me say it.
- What are you doing? - I just vacuumed yesterday.
Why is there so much hair? We don't have a dog.
I don't know.
Don't look at me.
I don't know.
I have something important I need to talk to you about.
- I'm ready to marry you.
- What? I know I panic-asked you last year, and we both said we weren't ready, but after living with you the panic has subsided, and I realized I'm ready.
What do you say? "What do you say?" I say no.
I thought you were gonna say yes.
I don't want to be proposed to while I'm cleaning up hairballs.
This is our engagement.
I want romance, I want a story.
What do you say? I need you to try harder.
- Do you like Benihana? - Harder, Richard.
This is interesting.
Did you find an immigration lawyer? Zappos has either the style of the shoe I want or the size, but not both.
This freakin' country.
- I thought you were helping me.
- I was.
I Googled "Bahamas", which led me to the Sandals website, which got me thinking I need new sandals.
But now I am focused.
I may have won a new laptop! You know, I don't know how you feel about this, but I'd be happy to marry you so you could stay in the country.
You married to me? I would destroy you.
I know.
But I wouldn't mind.
Too bad two women can't married I'll decide to marry you.
They can, they just passed gay marriage in California.
Gay marriage between two men, Matthew.
Think.
Think.
You know this one.
We can get married! I'm not marrying you, either.
- Why not? - I don't want to get married.
I just got out of a marriage.
Marriage is death.
Not our marriage.
Our marriage would be fun.
We'd just do all the same stuff we do now.
We'd hang out, we'd eat, and pee in front of each other.
It's a completely ridiculous idea.
- What's a ridiculous idea? - We're having an adult conversation.
- Is it about wine? - It's not about wine.
You know what? I'm gonna open up some wine.
- What's going on? - I am proposing to Barb - so she can stay in the country.
- Is that legal? Gay marriage means women too.
Is it legal to marry someone - to stay in the country? - That I don't know.
- No one's getting married.
- Why not? It can't be worse than our first marriages.
What? Nothing.
Come on, it makes perfect sense.
I don't want to hear any more about this.
You are really the most wonderful person that I know.
You have one minute.
You're my best friend.
We've known each other for 20 years.
We've got a business together.
I mean, if you leave the country, who am I gonna raise Ritchie with? What? Nothing.
Seriously, Barb, I would be so lost without you.
I know what this is about.
She just wants to beat me to the altar.
She wants to win.
She is winning.
I love you.
Will you marry me? I'd be honored.
Come on! Honey, when you grow up, you're gonna see that people don't choose who to love.
Sometimes a man will love a woman and a woman will love a man, and sometimes a woman will love a woman and a man will love a man, and sometimes women will love men - who look like women - Get to it.
Anyway, sweetheart California has given people the right to marry who they love.
Which is wonderful and American, and it's why we left England on the Mayflower in the first place.
They're gonna take him away from you.
You're a therapist, you explain it.
Your mom and Aunt Barb are getting married.
But it's a special marriage, it's a friendship marriage.
Can you get a divorce in a friendship marriage? Friendship marriages never end, and nobody is ever sad.
It's like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.
Sweetie, I wasn't born in this country, and in order to live here I have to marry a citizen.
Your mom offered to marry me, as a favor.
Will Barb live with us? - No.
- We'll see.
No, we won't see.
- I have a condo.
- We'll see.
- Can I go play in my room? - Go ahead.
- So, are we really gonna do this? - And we better get going, too.
We got to get a marriage license, we have to plan a wedding Are you gonna invite your parents? Not unless you want to throw them their funeral right afterwards.
I agreed to do this, but I don't want a big thing.
Not a big thing, a little thing.
A small and elegant thing.
I just want to get a super-pretty dress, and you can wear a tasteful pantsuit.
Why am I wearing the pantsuit? Because you're the groom.
- Why am I the groom? - Come on, Barb Don't make me say it.
Fine.
I'll wear the pantsuit.
But, instead of a ring, I want earrings.
Me too! We are gonna be such a cute couple! Where are we gonna do this ? Like in a courthouse or something or What about a simple backyard thing? Just little twinkle lights in the trees, maybe an arbor covered with red roses? Really? Two girls getting married, you're going to bash me? You know what? Would you be our wedding planner? You're so organized and artistic and free.
Sure, I can marry you, too.
Three people are allowed to get married in California? I'm gonna tell you something.
This state is going to hell in a hand basket.
No, I can perform the ceremony.
A few years ago, I became a minister online, to meet girls.
It did not work.
Will you marry me? - How did you think of this, Richard? - I just thought of it.
Did you think of it because it's in your favorite movie, UHF, with Weird Al Yankovic? You have never given that movie a chance.
I want a proposal from your heart, not some idea you got from a movie.
But, that's where I get all my ideas.
Hey, I know - No TV.
- What's left? Originality.
I want something original, because I know that you're capable of it.
A lot of times, when people have that kind of faith in me, it leads straight to disappointment.
- I know you can do it.
- No, you don't.
In here.
I love this movie.
Listen, can we use your backyard for our wedding? - I might want to get married there.
- When are you getting married? Maybe after the Dodger game Don't even think about putting anything on JumboTron.
You can use it.
Can you believe that we're here? We're really a part of something important.
I've always been a huge gay rights person.
Look at that cute girl over there.
What is she doing here? She could totally land a guy.
Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
All of these people have fought their whole lives to be treated fairly.
- We're making fun of the whole thing.
- Come on, what choice do you have? You either marry me, or you go back to the Bahamas and braid beads into white girls' hair.
I know it's not a real marriage, but it's got everything a real marriage does: It's got love, companionship, trust, no sex.
We're making a sham of the entire institution.
We made a sham of the entire institution when we got divorced.
Come on, if you had to leave the country, I don't know what I'd do without you.
I really need you.
I know.
I need you, too.
- Did you get it? - Got it.
Now, take one.
Me looking at you looking at me in the mirror.
I think we have enough of you.
We have you looking at you, me looking at you.
We have enough you to fill a couple of you albums and a you memory box Matthew, this is my day.
We are going to treasure these memories for a lifetime.
- You know, the bar's not set up.
- Then go do that, and then come back for some candids.
You're not supposed to see my dress before the ceremony.
It doesn't matter.
Why aren't you dressed? And how about a little mascara? You're taking this groom thing a bit too far.
I'm not marrying you.
What? I told Pete the situation and he offered to remarry me.
If I'm going to have a fake marriage, it's just easier doing it with Pete.
I mean, I've been faking it with Pete for 10 years.
What's a couple more? Great.
So, I guess the wedding's off.
Fine.
I will not cry.
Come on.
None of this was for real.
Don't be upset.
Maybe it wasn't real for you.
It wasn't real for you either.
You just got carried away.
When did I ever get carried away? I must be thinking about my other wife.
Anyway, thanks for offering to help.
That was really sweet.
Call you later, OK? I'm not crying.
Matthew, this is perfect.
There's like a thousand things I would have done differently.
So, are we ready? Wedding's off.
Barb got a better offer.
Are you kidding me? I have killed myself putting this wedding together.
Getting those twinkle lights into the walnut trees was a nightmare.
There's hand-tied bouquets on each corner of every table, I went through about 50 yards of tulle on the taco bar alone - Dude - Don't "dude" me.
I'm devastated.
All right, I'm sorry, OK? But let's just get drunk on Sangria and stuff our faces with mini-tacos.
Matthew, would you unzip me? You are one lipstick-coated menthol away from being Mom.
What a shame.
Since everything's all set up, do you wanna? Richard, reheated taquitos and a second-hand wedding? - What do you think I'm going to say? - Not "I do", I bet.
God, these are good tacos.
Man This is beautiful.
Barb, you're back.
You look so handsome.
God, you would have been a good husband.
Listen, I'm not marrying Pete.
He said he'd do it, but not because he wanted to do it.
It was like he was doing me some giant-ass favor.
That giant ass.
When you asked me to marry you, I really believed it was because you wanted to do it.
Of course I did.
I never do what I don't wanna do.
I mean, except on 2nd dates.
And that's just good manners.
I don't cherish Pete, I don't honor Pete, but I think there's a shot that you and I will be together until death do us part.
Marry me, Christine.
Are we back on? Let me get the torches going.
Forget about the torches.
Let's just do this.
God, that's so beautiful.
Are you kidding me? All right, look I can't do this anymore.
I'm not a poet or romantic and I may not have all the right what-do-you-call-it words but I love you, and if I have to wait to marry you until I can blow you away with the romantic proposal you're looking for, then I may never get to marry you.
And I really so much want to marry you.
And, if you do marry me, I promise you this: I'll love you and I will show you I love you, every day.
And all the ideas might not be my own, but I will steal from every sexy movie that you have ever seen and we will do it until you're making sounds that only dogs can hear.
You wanna? Yes, please.
With these earrings, I thee wed.
And so, by the power vested in me by the State of California and the Internet community, I now pronounce you It doesn't matter.