The Ranch (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

1 [DOOR BANGS.]
Who's out there? I got a gun! This is America.
We all got guns.
Mr.
Peterson! What are you doing here? A quick question, Colt.
I'm a bit fuzzy, what with the brain tumor and all, but before I went to Thailand, did I burn my house down for the insurance money? [SCOFFS.]
No.
No, there was a wildfire.
Actually, I got some pictures here.
[LAUGHS.]
Well I got of Chris Pine to show to my barber.
Handsome son of a bitch.
Err There it is.
There's your house burning down.
Oh, Jesus! I lived in this place for 50 years.
My wife's ashes were right over there.
Sorry about that.
I wish I Would've known before I cleaned up.
You can check my Shop-Vac.
That's fine.
Kinda ironic, since she'd never fucking vacuum.
I tell you, despite everything, it's great to see you.
We all thought you were Dead.
Nope! I heard the worst word that a man with cancer can hear after he spent all his money.
Remission.
Oh.
Well, tell you what, look at the bright side, I'm sure you caught something from one of your ladies in Bangkok, that'll kill you.
Could be.
I took a piss in the airport, damn near burned a hole in the urinal.
So, you living here now? Yeah.
I rebuilt the place after me and Abby got married.
Congratulations! She left me.
Oh.
That why you're sleeping in a tent? Nope.
No, I just don't wanna see my dad.
Well, how about the herd? You get a good price at market? No.
No.
I didn't sell any of them.
I gambled wrong and prices crashed, so Oh God! You and Rooster gonna make it? No.
No.
Rooster's dead.
[STUTTERS.]
He had a motorcycle accident.
I'm sorry.
He was a good kid.
I know.
He was a good one.
So you running this place alone then, huh? Nope.
No.
I partnered up with my cousin.
Well, that's good news, eh? Nope.
Couple weeks ago, he ran off with Rooster's ex and all the money.
God! Your life blows.
Yep.
[OPENING THEME PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Colt.
Oh.
Hey, Ab.
What are you doing? I gotta get to work.
Yeah, well, you put a lot of miles on your van driving to and from Norwood, so I thought I'd check the oil.
Oh, and check it out.
I got one of them stick-figure-family decals.
See? Stick-figure Daddy Colt is giving stick-figure Mommy Abby space, just as she asked.
Well, I appreciate the help, but you've had an excuse to be here every day.
Yesterday, you came by to apologize for texting so much.
What am I supposed to do, text that? I get it.
I promise, no more unannounced drop-bys, all right? I just want you to know I'm a good father and husband.
Actually, speaking of Grea Thank you, but you need every penny for the ranch, okay? Plus, I'm due my first paycheck.
Public school teacher, I'm gonna be rolling in cash.
I want to support my family.
Where'd you even get this? Like I turned a corner.
I sold a couple of heifers to buy a bull to impregnate the rest of the herd.
Negotiated the shit outta the deal and that's what's left over.
I mean, after I bought a few necessities.
Skoal, Bud.
Fruity Pebbles.
Just take it and spend it on Peyton.
I will.
Thank you.
She was just saying she wanted to see the UFC 244 on pay-per-view.
[CHUCKLING.]
You are such a good mom.
- Well, not to hear my mom tell it.
- Oh, yeah? Everything all right there? Yeah, you know my parents.
It's just hard living back at home.
Tell me about it.
That's why I moved into my own tent.
My mom keeps telling me how much I'm messing up Peyton's life.
"That's not the way you hold her.
That's not how you feed her.
" Well, Mom, I could raise her how you raised me, then she'd grow up hating me for being a fucking know-it-all.
Yeah, she's a real bitch.
Whoa Colt, that's my mom.
Right.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
I gotta go.
Hey! Err You know, if it helps, you could move into the hunting cabin.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
It'll be your own space.
I won't bother you.
Further away from your parents, closer to school.
Be easier to trade out Peyton.
You'd stop showing up for no reason? Yeah.
It'd be just like the NFL combine after they sent that letter telling me unless I was officially invited, I had to stay off the property.
You went to the combine.
You wore a fake beard and mustache No.
That wasn't me.
- That was Ron Elway.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
- [ABBY.]
See you later.
- Yep.
Do you promise to love her tender? Do you promise to not be cruel? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, man.
I do.
And I'm giving you a helluva Yelp review 'cause this is fucking awesome.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[LAUGHS.]
How about you, lil lady? Do you take this hunka hunka burning love to be your teddy bear? Oh, hell, yeah! I now pronounce you man and wife.
- [LAUGHS.]
- How about a little less conversation and a little more kissing? - [ELVIS LAUGHS.]
- [LUKE AND MARY.]
Mm.
Mm.
Welcome to the family, Mrs.
Matthews.
Who's that? Oh, that's my last name.
Oh, right! We have the rest of our lives to learn the little details.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[COWS MOO.]
[SIGHS.]
You gotta live your life with purpose 'Til your train runs out of track Don't get caught up in this circus If you're still hungry after that, I got some french fries on the floor of my truck.
Hey, Dale.
Heather.
What you doing here? Hey! I started taking those classes to be a vet tech.
I gotta follow a vet around, but all the good ones were taken.
So, here I am.
Y'all get a chance to check if them cows are pregnant? Yeah, we checked them out.
Then got back in the truck and I accidentally picked up her Starbucks' Very Berry Hibiscus refreshment.
It might be fall outside but it's springtime in my mouth.
He's always telling me what season it is in his mouth.
Yesterday, he got some Dentyne Ice and we had to sing "Jingle Bells" all the way to Grand Junction.
[HEATHER LAUGHS.]
It's a great story, guys.
How many of my cows are pregnant? Err None of them.
What? Are you sure There's a dozen of them in heat out there.
[SIGHS.]
Don't worry.
You'll get them next time.
I can't afford to wait another month for them cows to go on heat again.
Yeah, well, I saw your bull right outside here.
I'll go check on him.
Come on, Heather.
Uh Actually, you mind if I hang back a sec? I gotta talk to Colt about something.
Sure.
But if it's about the Game of Thrones, I'm not caught up yet, so wait till I'm gone.
If they kill that little feller, I'm done with that shit.
- You heard anything from Luke? - No.
And I don't want to either.
I'm kinda worried about my mom.
Since she ran off with your stupid cousin, she won't tell me where she is or when she's coming back.
You think Luke's the problem? Well, it's certainly not my mom.
All right.
Look, Heather I don't wanna upset you, but your mom's a drug addict.
Where do you get off? I can smell beer on you right now, Colt.
I ain't got running water.
Gotta brush my teeth with something.
My mom is not an addict.
She had a tough time after Rooster died but she doesn't have a problem.
Honestly, I don't give a shit about either of them, but your mom stole money from my mom to buy drugs.
So, I Call it whatever you want.
Cool.
I tell you I'm worried about my mom and you tell me she's a piece of shit.
- [COLT.]
I - No.
Thanks, Colt.
I'm saying she's got a problem, Heather.
Well, I found your issue.
Your bull's awful swole up.
He's got torsion of the spermatic cord.
Great, how do we fix it? You can't.
His breeding days are over.
How am I supposed to get my heifers pregnant? Well, there's always artificial insemination.
If I could afford that, I wouldn't have had to buy a shitty bull.
The worst part of being a vet is telling people bad news.
Heather I've got a new job for you.
I want to hear all about Thailand, Sam.
I'm so jealous you got to go.
I cooked curry once and Beau threw away the Crock-Pot.
Nothing we cooked in it ever tasted right again.
In Bangkok, I ate dessert out of a monkey's skull.
By the way, this pie is delicious.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey.
What do you want? I wanna shower and get some clean clothes, if it's all right with you.
Joanne.
Peterson.
I forgot to ask.
How are things with you and Colt? We're not talking.
Kinda where I hope you and I will end up.
What the hell is Neumann's Hill doing here? I don't know.
A lot of people want to talk to a lot of people for a lot of reasons.
What the fuck does that mean? - Hey, Lisa.
- Joanne.
Gentlemen.
You know Sam, right? He used to own the ranch next door.
Oh, yeah.
Sam and I know each other.
He agreed to sell me his ranch and then pulled out with a very colorful e-mail.
Apparently, I'm a "cooksucker.
" Always proofread, Sam.
I'll resend it if you like.
Sam, how about you help me do the dishes? What? We're gonna leave now? Right before Beau gets yelled at by his lady boss? He's supposed to be dead by now.
What can I do for you? I just came by to let you know we've got some bulls coming in for the heifers.
We artificially inseminate here.
You know, you can't argue with me over every decision.
Disagree.
We are trying to improve the bloodline of your herd.
Now, I invested a lot of money in those bulls.
If you draft John Elway, don't put him on the bench.
You show up with John Elway, we'll talk.
Beau, I run a lot of ranches.
And we have a system that's proven to be pretty successful.
I promise you, you will be very happy with the results.
Bring them.
I'll have Dale check them out.
Beau, you know we have our own vets.
And I have mine.
You know, the last time I saw you two together, you told him he was the worst vet you'd ever met and that you hoped he'd drive his truck into a ditch on the way home.
And I like him.
Think how I'm gonna treat your vets.
We are paying our own vets, and I am not about to pay extra, so that you can have Dale do the same job.
That's not how you run a business.
I thought we agreed that I'm still running this ranch.
You are, but there are certain decisions that are out of your hands.
Says who? Says the contract you signed.
Fine.
I'll talk to Dale.
But there's nothing in that contract says I have to talk to you.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[MARY WHOOPS.]
[LUKE.]
Hot damn! - [GUNSHOT.]
- I don't know what's more awesome.
[GUNSHOT.]
The fact we picked this for our honeymoon or that they offer a package for it.
It's certainly not my first time shooting a machine gun in a wedding dress.
Though this time I won't have to throw my gun in the lake when the police come.
Well, I got us something special for our big day.
Champagne! I never get to drink this.
I usually just get sprayed with it when I visit Darlene at work.
I wasn't sure about bringing it in, but I thought, "What they gonna do? - We have fucking machine guns.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
Right? I brought you a little something, too.
[PILLS RATTLE.]
[LUKE.]
Ooh.
Wow! Okay.
Well I hope it's not too soon to say this, but I love you.
Come on.
You're not gonna get all clingy just 'cause we're married, are you? All right! Game on! [PHONE BEEPS.]
Ugh! It's my daughter Heather! She's worried I'm making bad decisions.
[LUKE.]
What?! We've made nothing but great decisions.
[MARY.]
I know, right? [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR.]
Hi, Hank.
Hey, Colt.
- [POOL BALLS CLACKING.]
- [SIGHS.]
You ever get to a place in your life where you feel like nothing's ever gonna get any better? No.
I'm a dreamer.
Thanks.
Hey, Colt.
Hey, Lisa.
Come on.
Thanks for meeting with me.
Of course.
You've seen my office so many times, it's nice to finally see yours.
Hey, you joke, but has your office got a cologne/condom machine in it? No, but then again, I don't have Honky Tonk Badonkadonk playing during business meetings either.
So how much do you want for your ranch? Hmm.
All right.
I'll be honest with you.
I ain't selling my ranch.
I just knew after the last time we talked, it was the only way I'd get you to meet me.
Jesus, Colt, you know I don't have time for this.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
But I Reason I want to talk to you is I want to buy one of your bulls.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
Err I can talk to my guys.
I'm sure we can figure something out.
Great.
All right.
You tell your guys that I'll pay for it in the spring ish.
So, you want to buy a bull with no money.
Hmm.
Do you have any magic beans, Colt? If I had magic beans, think I'd be here talking to you? Look, no, I'm up against it here.
All right? And I talked to every rancher I ever met, but ain't nobody got an operation big enough to give up a bull.
Except you.
You know, I like you, Colt.
And I don't want you to fail, but the fact is, we are competitors.
So, if you do go under, it'll be good for me.
Yeah, but I [STUTTERING.]
If this situation was reversed, I'd help you out.
And in fact, I did.
After the wildfire, you needed a place for your cattle.
No.
You didn't help me, your father did.
And I paid him for it.
Lisa Please, I need this.
I'm sorry, Colt, I Good luck.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Hey, fellas! Dale.
[DALE.]
Uh oh.
It's the good whiskey.
Who died? The Duke.
Ronald Reagan.
Hank Williams.
Everyone who's worth a shit.
But, somehow, not this fucker.
Here's to three guys whose days have come and gone.
Speak for yourself.
I did the SoulCycle this morning.
This would be better out of a monkey's skull, but fuck it.
[DALE.]
Yeah Dentyne Ice? Yeah.
That shit's delightful.
Thanks for coming by, Dale.
It's no trouble.
I was over at at, err, Colt's house, anyway.
I dunno how that boy's gonna make it.
He's got eight heifers in estrus, and that new bull's got torsion.
That kid can't catch a break.
You just got paid from Neumann's Hill, help him out.
He wouldn't take it.
He'd think it was a handout.
Yeah, he sounds like one stubborn asshole.
Wonder where he gets that from.
Well, I'm gonna go find some more of your good shit to drink.
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Listen.
I need to talk to you about this deal with Neumann's Hill.
Ah, you don't have to say it.
They're not gonna let you use me anymore.
They've been trying to squeeze people like me out for years.
I hate that they're making me do this.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
It's not your choice.
Right? [BOTH LAUGH.]
I remember the first time you came here.
Old Doc Perkins had retired.
I only found out about it when a VW bus rolled in here and a long-haired hippie stepped out and said, "I'm Dr.
Dale Rivers.
" I should've shot you then.
Yeah, I miss that bus.
I miss the hair more.
[LAUGHS.]
I remember you were the friendliest son of a bitch I ever saw.
[IMPERSONATES BEAU.]
"Hey, welcome to my ranch.
Please, call me Beau.
" What you're saying is I was happy until I met you.
There's so many things to be aggravated about, don't let this be one of them.
Thanks, Dale.
You know what this means, don't you? Means when I come out here for a visit you can't pretend it's business.
You have to admit we're friends.
Well, I guess this is goodbye then.
Lisa.
- What are you doing here? - You know why I'm here.
Yesterday, you told me you needed a bull.
And today, one goes missing from your dad's ranch.
You saying I stole it? [LAUGHS.]
Well, it went missing from right there.
It wouldn't be the first time you stole from me.
Okay.
I didn't take your bull.
If you're talking about the generator, Rooster stole that.
If you mean the hot dogs in your Broncos suite, you said have as many as you want.
All right, just cut the shit, Colt.
That is a 50-thousand-dollar animal.
Okay.
So, it ain't my problem.
I got nothing to do with it.
So, you're fine if my guys come over and check your ranch? Sure, as long as your guys don't mind being shot for trespassing.
The only reason I've not called the police is because of my relationship with your father.
Now, if I don't get that bull back, the next visit you get is not gonna be from me.
The only one breaking the law here is you.
You're trespassing on my property, so why don't you get the hell out? Hey.
Am I interrupting something? No.
Lisa was just leaving.
- Good to see you, Abby.
- Yeah, you too.
- She was - I don't even want to know.
[COLT.]
Yeah.
I don't blame you.
Hey, here.
Think about that hunting cabin? - [CHUCKLING.]
Cozy interiors - [ABBY LAUGHS.]
panoramic view.
Baby-locks on everything, except for the gun cabinet.
You need a gun quick, you can't be fucking around with a baby-lock, right? It's actually why I stopped by.
I really want to move into the hunting cabin.
Great! Stop talking.
[CHUCKLES.]
But in order for me to do that I feel like I gotta trust you again.
And I'm just not there yet.
And I can't get there living in your backyard and seeing you all the time.
Right.
So you gonna stay living with your parents? No.
They're driving me nuts.
So I got an apartment.
- An apartment? - [SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
No.
I know it's not what you wanna hear.
You're gonna pay to live someplace further away from me, instead of the hunting cabin.
This is already so hard.
Okay? It'd only be worse if I had to come home every night, and drive up the road, past your truck, past our house, knowing you're in there, knowing I want to be in there, too.
Okay? It'll tear me apart, and I already feel like I'm going crazy.
I'm going crazy.
My wife left me.
And you took my daughter from me.
My whole life is falling apart, and I dunno how to fix it.
I know.
I know! I'm sorry.
- Okay? - Don't.
Abby? [DOOR TAPS.]
[WHISPERS LOUDLY.]
Ab-by! Colt! Come on, it's the middle of the night! - Are you drunk? - Nah - Oh, my God - [SLURRING.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
I need a ride home.
- My God! - Grab your stuff.
- Oh! Bring the baby.
- Colt! Come on! I'm not talking to you when you're like this.
You keep asking how you can fix our relationship.
Well, not like this! Abby, come on.
Abby! [SHOUTS.]
Abby! Colt, I think Abby's made it pretty clear she doesn't wanna talk right now.
With all due respect, sir blow me.
Yeah, I think I need to drive you home.
[SLURRING.]
I think I need to talk to Abby.
Just stop, Colt.
- I'm just Don't touch me.
- You need to take a breath, son.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna talk to her.
- Colt.
I said don't fucking touch me! Okay.
Settle down, cowboy.
[COLT.]
I [CHUCK.]
You done? [COLT.]
I Do you give? [CHUCK.]
Yeah.
Here.
[COLT GROANS.]
[COUGHS.]
Fuck! You all right? I'm not great.
I'm drunk.
On my wife's parents' porch.
And I just beat up her dad.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, you're drunk on my porch.
Give me a sip of that beer.
[OWL HOOTS.]
I don't know what to do.
[SIGHS.]
I know you're hurting.
And I know you love Abby.
[QUIETLY.]
Yeah Come on.
Let's get you home.
[COLT GROANS.]
- Chuck.
- Yeah? Hey! Mrs.
Matthews, you hungry? I think I can Indiana Jones us some M&M's.
Shit! Didn't get it.
Well, 17 bucks down the drain.
Oh, and they're peanut.
Fantastic.
Want some? Hey, Mary? Hey, Mary! Mary, hey! Hey, Mary! Mary! Mary! - Hey.
- Hey.
I found Lisa Neumann's bull over on my property.
Is that right? Yeah.
One of the gates between our ranches was left open, but I swear I had nothing to do with it.
I believe you.
- Really? - Yeah! Anything could've happened.
Hell, maybe I left the gate open.
You never left the gate open in 70 years.
Maybe I'm slipping.
But I guess it's good timing, since you're having trouble with your bull.
- Dad - Hey! I don't know how that bull got over there.
But I'm glad my son caught a break.
I Yeah? Thank you.
It was you, right? [MELLOW COUNTRY MUSIC.]