The West Wing s04e01 Episode Script

Previously on The West Wing: Honey, Simon Donovan was shot and killed.
You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in class.
It's not a strike unless you watch it sail by.
I've been a soldier for 38 years, and I found an enemy I can kill.
When does the president give the green light? At the last possible minute.
We can make it look like it went down but they'll find out it's us.
I'm gonna be running for re-election while fighting a war against Qumar.
You have two minutes, sir.
Take him.
You know the story about? Four more years! Four more years! There's a guy here holding a sign that says,"Eight more years.
" Don 't get me wrong, I like your thinking but I've probably tested the Constitution as far as Abbey's gonna allow me to for a little while.
You know the story about the guy whose car gets stuck in a muddy hole.
A farmer comes along and says he'll pull the car out of the mud but he's gonna have to charge 50 bucks because this is the tenth time he's had to pull it out today.
The driver says,"When do you have time to farm? At night?" The farmer says,"No, that's when I fill the hole with water.
" We need to find energy alternatives.
We're getting our cue.
We're getting it right now.
The Republicans are busy.
They're trying to convince us they care about new energy and they're not in the pockets of big oil.
And that's a tough sell.
I don't envy them.
Their only hope is that we don't notice they're the ones filling the hole with water at night.
I think Americans are smarter than that.
I think we noticed.
Where are Josh and Toby? - In the soybean fields with Cathy.
- Cathy? The daughter.
But I like saying they're in the soybean fields.
He's wrapping up.
We're getting in the car.
We're already late.
- I'll get them from the soybean fields.
- Thanks.
This isn't a time for people whose doomsday scenario is less at the pump for Texaco and Shell.
This isn't a time for people who say there aren't any energy alternatives just because they can't think of any.
This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars.
He seems a little tense.
Yeah.
- Why? - Because the president's speaking.
- Why aren't you there? - It's tough to explain.
No, it's not.
Okay.
The president has his blood pressure taken every morning.
On high-pressure days, Toby's not allowed to be near the president while he speaks.
- Why? - Stepped on it.
He has trouble concealing his displeasure.
Stepped on it and he knows it too.
- Look - What do I say to people who ask why we subsidize farmers when we don't subsidize plumbers.
Tell them they can pay $ 7 for a potato.
Okay.
This is 200 acres of soy fields.
It nets my family $30 an acre which is $6000 a year.
- Toby - I met with the Conference Committee to increase payment limits for small farmers but no one could agree what"small" meant.
Josh! I think we'd better head back.
- He's wrapping up.
- You seem pissed that I brought it up.
- No, we're just talking.
- We've really gotta go now.
Donna's nervous.
A couple of weeks ago some guys got left behind in Kentucky.
Tennessee, and they were never heard from again.
- They took a cab.
- Look The point is whatever Toby and the Conference Committee whatever definition they came up with would've just created more business for lawyers of big farm corporations.
I wish we had more time to talk There's no way you could stay, meet some people? Maybe catch up at the next stop? No, we've got Unionville, then we get on the plane.
- It's a full schedule at the office.
- We've got voters here.
Did you forget? - No.
- They're voting for Ritchie.
What? Indiana's voting for Ritchie.
If there was someone less competent than Ritchie on the ballot that's who Indiana'd be voting for.
- Why'd you come out here? When somebody gives me an answer I'll let you know.
- Toby.
- Listen, write off Indiana but don't write off small farmers.
It's getting bad out here.
It is bad.
We paid farmers 67 billion in the last three years.
Oh, God.
You wanna lighten up a little? I am lightened up.
This is me lightened up.
You're saying lighter? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Josh, the 67 billion bought this country the least expensive food and the greatest variety of it in the world.
- Surely that's gotta register - Hang on.
- And it's gotta register with the - No, she's right.
Where is it? Where's the motorcade? Hey, excuse me.
Where's the motorcade? It's out there.
Hey! Hey! You guys need a button? "Bartlet for America"? - Donna, you gotta get the trailer car.
- Hang on.
Call Campaign Scheduling and Advance and tell them - Hang on.
- You gotta hang up with whoever that is and call Campaign Scheduling and Advance Unless you're already talking to them.
Thank you.
There's no trailer car.
- Really? - Yeah.
Good budget cut.
Good item.
Cathy, where's the closet cab? About 110 miles as the crow flies.
What's the best way to get to Unionville? - We'll take you.
- Really? Yeah.
It's a chance to show you the soy diesel car.
Okay.
This car, it can? - It's a regular car.
- Toby! It's actually Cap's car.
He'll come along.
- Meet us in back of the house.
- Thank you very much.
- Who's Cap? - I don't know.
- Toby! - Yeah.
We got a ride.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? - You heard the speech, right? - Oh, yes.
- The section on HMOs, did he land it? - I'm sorry? - He didn't, did he? - I thought he was very good.
- The muddy hole joke is - Toby! - Okay, thank you.
- Let's go.
Never heard from again, Josh.
- They're headed to Unionville.
- Is the first lady still in Madison? - I'm pretty sure.
- Remind me when the president's back.
- 3:00, wheels down.
- What's his first? Treasurer of the U.
S.
, not to be confused with Treasury Secretary.
The treasurer deals with the color of money, what's the meeting about? - Color currency.
- Push it.
And push his meeting on health and fitness.
I want the trade rep and as many of the economic advisers as we can at the 3:30.
- Speaking of health - Oh, merciful God.
- What did you have? - I had half a grapefruit! - Really? - You think I'm lying? - No.
Okay.
- Yes.
- I'll be in the Sit Room for a minute.
I'd like him when he's done at the site.
Good morning.
- Leo.
- Good morning, Leo.
The Dow's down 260.
- Is it gonna rebound? - What do I know? Could I get half a grapefruit? I've got Jack LaLanne working for me this week.
Yes, sir.
Let's go around the table for the quick sheet.
Small force of North Korean soldiers may stage an incursion into the DMZ.
That's a reaction to the president's trip to Seoul, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
South America? General Garcia has declared himself in rebellion against Carlos Velasco.
Is Velasco's government in danger or is this just another crazy general with guns? - No offense, Fitz.
- Yeah.
The Venezuela desk still says "Wait till Garcia calls for the elections.
" - Okay.
Africa.
- The Mozambique government wants a peacekeeping force to distribute grain.
- A peacekeeping force to distribute grain.
- Yes, sir.
- Middle East.
- Nothing, really.
We heard from the new ambassador.
- To where? - I'm sorry, Qumar.
About what? A month ago they reopened the investigation into Shareef's plane.
- They find anything? - I don't know.
The emergency locator transmitter didn't go off We'll assemble all the military rescue efforts and feed them to State.
They can give the ambassador and the sultan another report.
Yeah.
All right.
- Eastern Europe.
- Warsaw transit workers are threatening to go on strike.
- Why? - They haven't been paid in four months.
Whoa, you're not supposed to be here.
- I just wanted to check with - The orders were very strict.
- I just - Go home.
- I am.
- You've had no days off since the convention.
You've been up two nights.
I don't want a zombie.
The energy book is done, the Midwest poll is out pawn off the surrogate movements and get some sleep.
I came to check the Southern governors.
Somebody's gotta watch the politics.
Somebody is.
The White House Office of Political Affairs.
- Where is he? - He's about to go on at Fort Bristol.
You know the Dow's down 270.
- Go to sleep.
- I'm not fighting with you.
He should remind them about the military pay raise.
- He won't.
- He should.
- He won't.
- Of course not.
We're adding 100 outpatient clinics to VA hospitals, will he? - No.
- Of course not.
- Military housing upgrades? - Bruno? He should say, "We don't give these people anything.
They earn it.
" Yeah.
Gehrman-Driscoll announced it was filing for bankruptcy an hour later, Jennings-Pratt and DWA.
- They had exposure in the fund? - Yeah.
- I'm amazed it's only down 270.
- It's early.
That's what you wanna say to me? Driscoll announced it was filing and Jennings and DWA are in the fund.
Pay raises, military housing, outpatient clinics It's illegal to campaign on a military base.
- Yes, technically.
- No, legally.
- Sir - These Army guys are DRF-1.
They're division-ready and can be deployed in two hours.
These Navy guys are gonna deploy overseas for six months.
- I didn't realize - A sea bag, an M-16 they're on a C-130 going where I tell them.
That's when their wives are told.
I don't screw with them.
- I didn't realize they were division-ready.
- Yeah.
You could always wink and I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
That was a joke.
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.
Good morning, we haven't met.
I'm your commander in chief.
It's just a regular diesel engine.
There's no retrofitting.
The glow plugs heat the fuel but from there the soy diesel keeps exploding on itself like any engine.
- You did it yourself? - It's easy.
He's out there right now.
He started.
We need to get this guy to Unionville, he's gonna wig.
- He's out there.
- Take your mind off it.
Think about the lovely Cathy.
Farmer's daughter with a master's degree? Wholesome but maybe not too wholesome? I think she liked you too.
- How do you know Cathy? - She's my girlfriend.
That's great.
She's really nice.
Is that corn out there? - Nope.
- What is it? - Trees.
- Okay.
So, what will I remember? What will I tell my grandchildren? I'll tell them that I stood on the Great Wall of China and that I stood in the well of the U.
S.
House of Representatives.
I'll tell them I sat with kings and cardinals and made an appointment to the Supreme Court.
And I'll tell them that one morning in September I got to spend a few minutes with the men and women of Air Wing One.
God bless you and your families and may he continue to shed his magnificent grace upon the United States of America.
Thank you so much.
- Charlie? - Yeah? - I've got Leo McGarry for the president.
- Thanks.
C.
J.
? I need to talk to you about something.
In a minute, okay? I've got Leo for the president.
You've got the president.
- Good morning, sir.
- How's it going? - You tell me.
- It feels good.
You know about the Dow? - Jennings-Pratt was in the fund? - Yeah.
-It'll rebound.
- Yeah.
- No kidding, it feels good out here.
- Good.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna meet with Fitzwallace.
- About what? - Nothing.
You don't meet with Fitzwallace about nothing.
Just a thing from the quick sheet.
- What? - Nothing.
- Leo - Qumar's reopened the investigation.
- Mr.
President? - Yeah, all right.
- Well, we're coming home now.
- Yes, sir.
You sure we're not taking you from something you need to do? No.
Actually, this is on the way to my job.
- You have a second job? - I'm a claims adjuster.
- That's unusual, isn't it? - It has benefits.
- You get to meet people? - No.
No, I meant job benefits.
Health insurance.
It covers your father.
- What is it? - You guys are gonna kill me.
- Is it out of gas? - There's a gas station about 1000 yards down the road.
Why are we slowing down? - Are we out of gas? - Diesel.
Are we out of it? - We're out of gas.
- Diesel.
- Nobody cares.
- There's a gas station about 1000 yards away.
- They don't have diesel.
They don't have diesel.
Did we run out of gas because I called her "wholesome, but not too wholesome"? I can't make a car run out of gas.
I don't know, you can make glow plugs explode things.
- Where's the closest diesel? - About 10 miles.
All right, can I suggest this? We've missed Unionville.
It's an hour till the plane leaves.
We can make it if we're picked up at the gas station.
You can meet the tow truck there.
We don't need a tow, it's just out of gas.
- Diesel.
- What are you gonna do? We'll hitch back and get some.
Somebody's gonna pick you up out here? - Guys run out of diesel? - Yeah.
- Need a lift back to the farm? - Thanks.
- Sy, these guys work for Bartlet.
- How you doing? Didn't vote for him the first time don't plan to the second time.
Have a good trip back.
Remember some of what I said, okay? Thanks for all the help.
Call the state office.
Have them send a volunteer.
Tell them we don't have time - You're doing it, right? - Yeah.
This is fun.
We're roughing it.
It's fun.
- The chairman's here.
- Thanks.
- The tracks are covered.
- Yeah.
We did a legitimate SAR with the UK and Royal Qumari Guard.
This was a plane that went down in the Bermuda Triangle, plain and simple.
- And that really happens? - What do you mean? - The Bermuda Triangle.
- Does it really happen? I thought maybe it was like Toscanini landing in the corn field.
Planes, boats, about 200 of them, including five Navy Avenger bombers and the rescue plane that went in after them.
Any chance they'll find the plane? We dismantled the ELT, left the plane in 27 pieces scattered among other wrecks buried in underwater landslides and limestone cliffs.
And if they find the plane, there's still no evidence of anything being anything.
These were SEALs and these were special ops.
They know what they're doing.
Okay.
Let's obviously stay in touch during the day.
Yeah.
Just out of curiosity what do you think would happen? I don't know what would happen to you and me but I'm pretty sure the president would be invited to the Hague.
Yeah, well they can invite all they want, he ain't going.
This would be a good time to reconsider your position on an international war crime tribunal.
Perhaps this would be a good time for you to - Get out of your office.
- Yeah.
- Talk to you later.
- Thank you.
I was wrong.
Tonight's black tie and pool pencil only.
We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not.
Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council, he said: "I'm no scientist, but I know a thing or two about physics.
" So for the week, you can add scientist to doctor, mind reader and Chinese.
C.
J.
, do you know why women at the first lady's rally this morning who were dressed in aprons and rolling pins? - They were dressed in rolling pins? - They held them.
This is from the Milwaukee Sentinel.
I don't know.
Find out, would you? Is the president coming back for questions? He'll try, but he needs some time to interview secretary candidates.
It's steak sandwiches for lunch.
I'll see you later.
It's still mostly transportation and technology? And energy.
Have Josh and Toby weigh in at some point, okay? - Yes, sir.
- Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Yeah? - Sir, this is Meredith Walker.
Come on in.
Nice to meet you.
Likewise, Mr.
President.
It's crazy, I know, but sometimes the schedule's so tight we schedule meetings on the plane.
So we ask you to fly with us and hit you on the way back.
- Yes, sir.
- Were you impressed by the plane? - It's an airplane, sir.
I'm not very easily impressed.
- It has an apartment and operating room.
- Yes, sir.
Okay.
Well, you've met with Donald McKittridge.
He directs the Office of Presidential Personnel.
- Yes.
- You got to meet with Charlie Young? - Yes.
- He probably mentioned that this was a job where you need to hold a lot of names and dates and numbers in your head.
- Yes.
- You were told what the pay scale is? - Yes.
- And some of the perks.
- Like what? Well, for instance, we have our own 747 and it's flown by an Air Force general.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's talk about your last job.
forecast at 904 million bushels, a 21 percent drop from last year's 1.
14 billion bushels.
Production costs have risen to $325 per acre of production.
Total loss of production represents over $600 million.
- Good morning.
- We're stranded and waiting for a ride.
- Do you mind if we wait here? - How'd you get stranded? Well, we work for the president.
He campaigned nearby this morning The motorcade left us behind, then our ride ran out of diesel Didn't vote for him the first time, don't plan on voting for him the second time.
Okay.
Well, we'll just wait outside if that's all right.
I don't like loitering.
Well, we'll just be a few minutes I'm sure.
Can we call ahead and make sure the plane'll be there? - It'll be there.
- Can we call ahead? I tried.
I can't get anyone on their cell.
- They're in a bad calling area.
- Well, keep trying.
See that? - First guy to miss? - What's the bet? First guy to miss has to shave his beard.
For the rest of the day the first guy to miss anytime he says his name, has got to follow it with: "I work at the White House.
" All right.
But I don't think you've met our current host.
Here we go.
You didn't say if you thought it was a good event this morning.
- I didn't see the president speak.
- I know.
I was out there talking with Cathy.
- I was asked to.
- Yeah.
- I was.
- But you read the remarks.
Yeah.
What was your problem? You know what, I don't want this to be a high-blood-pressure day for me either.
It's great that you're volunteering, Tyler.
You're not even old enough to vote and here you are.
That's great.
- They give us school credit.
- Good for your school.
I mean, that's not the only reason I did it.
- You like the president? - Yeah, I think he's okay.
Most of my friends are for Ritchie.
Not that they're that political or anything but their parents are for Ritchie, so, you know, I guess Yeah.
"He pretends there are no energy alternatives because he can't think of any.
" That wasn't in the staff copy yesterday.
How'd it make it in today? "He pretends there are no energy alternatives because he can't think of any.
" - They.
They can't think of any.
When we were touring flood damage in Missouri last Thursday four times the president said, "Emergency management's complex.
" - It is complex.
- What's that matter to people who lost homes? Finding a place for the kids to sleep is complex.
Thanks.
I was having a tough time prioritizing that.
Sustainable growth in Michigan, new economy in Ohio information technology in Pennsylvania.
We mapped those out for September a year ago.
You, Bruno and the president are calling audibles.
We're coming to the line and seeing a hairdo from Florida in pass coverage.
That's where we want the ball.
- What's your concern? - I have several one of which is losing.
- I don't think so.
When did we make this about being smartest kid in class? - What meeting did I miss? - I have to pull over.
Let me tell you something What did he say? This'll just take a minute.
Kiki! What the hell are you? - You don't return phone calls anymore.
- I return some.
- Thanks a lot.
- We have to get back to school.
What about what I sent to your house? Yeah, stop sending stuff to my house.
It's kind of creepy.
Yeah, you know what, sue me, I guess because I love you.
Place me under arrest, Kiki.
Let's everybody do that, let's everybody get a writ of injustice Iock me up and throw the book.
- Tyler? - Just a second, Mr.
Lyman.
- You can't be creepy stalking guy, okay? You're not that guy.
You're better than that.
- Not that much better.
- Would you get in there.
You have to move on and live in the now.
- You're totally stressing her.
- Excuse me.
I'm so sorry to interrupt in what obviously is a private moment between the two of you.
And your two friends.
- We came in this morning - We know you.
- We're not rednecks.
- Okay.
Well, I'm Donna Moss and this is my boss.
- Josh Lyman.
- Toby Ziegler.
Anyway, we're crunched for time, and we think - I work at the White House.
- Wow.
Humongous whoop.
Come on, he's communications director, it's a decent-sized whoop.
How many unborn babies did you kill today? Whoa, hey.
Danger, Will Robinson.
Tyler, no fooling around, we've got that is three miles from here.
That plane, I swear, is taking off at 1:00.
- It's leaving at one? - Yes.
Are you guys stupid or something? It's 1:45 right now.
- It's 12:45.
- No, not here it's not.
Oh, my God, she's right.
See, we crossed over from Unionville into Dearborn County which doesn't observe daylight-savings time.
- It's the other way around.
- What did I do to you? It says all times are local, this is why I couldn't get anyone on their cell.
Wait, wait.
No, you're not We changed time zones? We changed time We changed time zones? It's a common mistake.
Not for the U.
S.
government! What kind of schmuck-ass system can this - Good! That's perfect! - How did? I don't understand.
Perfect! Just the break I'm looking for! What? People, they just They They reset their watches when they commute? They just change their watches every time they cross a time zone? - What is this, a joke? - I serve my country! Okay.
This is a whole new thing.
My guys will need to walk this off before they can regroup.
You and your friends get to school.
We will come up with a plan to get us to an airport.
- Okay.
- Can we have a civilization? How long are they gonna be? Couple more minutes.
Okay.
- C.
J.
- Yeah.
- You wanted to talk to me? - I'm sorry? At the base you said you wanted to talk.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
Simon was a Big Brother to a kid named Anthony Marcus.
I met him a couple of times.
I've tried to spend time with him.
He's not wild about me.
He's associating you with Simon's death.
I did that with some cops my mom worked with.
Yeah? Well, he was arrested for stealing a car.
He stole his teacher's car, drove it for a bit and left it in front of a strip club.
You could chalk it up to a prank except Anthony had shoplifting incidents before Simon came along, so the ADA sees an escalating problem Graduating from a misdemeanor to a felony.
Right, and she's pushing juvenile detention.
I've spoken to her, and if a White House staffer will play a role in his life she's willing to reconsider.
- God, C.
J.
- I know.
- I just got Deanna off to school.
- I know.
And with the campaign, the days are even longer.
- And I didn't think that was possible.
- I know.
It was a long shot.
- I just don't think I'm the right guy.
- C.
J.
? - Yeah? - I'm sorry.
- I've got an answer on the rolling pins.
- Okay.
- I shouldn't have asked you.
- I'm glad you did.
Listen.
You're not just gonna ask the people who look like me, right? - Because a Big Brother's a Big Brother - Sam's next.
Hi, it's Sam.
I'm sleeping for a few hours right now so you can leave a message, or if you really need me you can shout into the machine and I'll wake up.
Sam! It's all right! It's all right! Hang on.
No problem.
- Hi.
Sorry.
- No, I'm sorry, buddy.
- I know you're supposed to sleep today.
- No, it's no problem.
- What's going on? - I'm with Toby and Donna and we are stranded somewhere in Indiana.
- You got left behind by the motorcade? -Yeah.
Then we ran out of gas, then there was a time-zone foul-up and also we were waylaid by some mean schoolgirls.
- Alpha girls, you know what I mean? - Josh - They were.
- So, what are you doing now? We're getting a lift to the Connersville Metro which will take us to Indianapolis where we'll get a flight to either Dulles, BWI or LaGuardia.
If you wanna give me your call sheets, I can farm out a few memos for you.
I actually need you to do more than that, Sam.
I need you to staff the president.
He's got one of those days.
- I don't know what it is you do in there.
- Yeah, you do.
Anything ceremonial, security-related, or personal, you leave the room.
As it gets later in the day, he's gonna start to talk to you.
You'll tell him how the meeting he had with his council of economic advisers relates to the one with the Agriculture Secretary, relates to his intelligence briefing relates to the environment, relates to jobs, to education relates to the campaign.
You're his wide-angle lens.
There are going to be any number of areas in which I can't give expert advice.
Welcome to the club.
We got jackets.
All right.
- I'm not gonna let you down.
- You never do.
Get dressed.
Now.
Let's get to the train station.
You ever love so much it hurts? Like, physically hurts? Get in the car.
There's a tremendous amount of information to keep track of.
Dates, names, numbers Things I'm not good with.
- That's unusual, isn't it? - What's that? A man of your intellect not being good with numbers.
Especially an economist of your stature.
It's not intellect, it's memory.
It's a different gift, a wonderful one.
- I've never had it.
- There are exercises you can do.
Well okay, I'll try and find that time, but let's get back to you.
What would you say was the most challenging part of working for the ambassador to France? The pliable relationship the French have with time.
- Yes, sir? - I make fun of the French as much as anybody and I don't even know what that meant.
- I meant - No, that's okay.
You're terrific.
- I appreciate you talking to us.
- Thank you.
I look forward to hearing from your office.
- Thanks again.
I'll be right with you.
Can you see Bruno? Yeah.
Hey.
You want some good news, Mr.
President? Please, the market's down 425 points.
I think it's gonna rally.
But even if it doesn't, this one isn't attributable to - I know.
- I'm saying Four hundred twenty-five points represents billions of dollars which are gone now, heading into the fourth quarter and Christmas.
- Well, I think it's gonna rally.
- What's your good news? We've held or made slight gains in almost all the polls.
ABC-Washington Post, Bartlet 50, Ritchie 44.
I'm all right referring to you colloquially? CBS-New York Times, Bartlet 50, Ritchie 43.
NBC-Wall Street Journal, Bartlet 49, Ritchie 43.
- You said"almost all.
" - CNN-USA Today-Gallup.
Bartlet 46, Ritchie 45.
Why does Gallup have it a one-point race? Because they're polling likely voters and not registered voters.
- That's why we get the same numbers.
- Wait till the debates.
Election's in six weeks, Mr.
President.
The world was created in a lot less time.
One day I'll buy you a beer, you'll tell us how you did it.
Thank you, sir.
- Bruno.
- Yeah.
Yesterday, the first lady appeared on KCAL, a local L.
A.
station.
They asked about the suspension of her license.
She said, "I'm just a wife and a mother.
" And that has been interpreted in some circles as"merely a wife and mother"? This is Flint Aldridge, a Southern Baptist radio host: "This is another sign that she is a liberal, elitist feminist.
" Elitist feminist, you can't do that to the language.
- This is from Janet Ritchie.
- She went on the record? "Wife and mother are the most rewarding roles I've ever played.
I think Abbey Bartlet and I have two different ambitions.
" She won $50.
Said the secret word, right there.
Ambition.
Phyllis Schlafly and Ann Coulter will square-dance.
- It's waiting down there.
- Then let's stay up here.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen from the flight deck, this is General Baker.
- Janet Ritchie really went on record? - Yeah.
I love it when the women get involved.
I'll ask those who are so inclined to take their seats, and fasten their seatbelts.
- The first two are easy.
- It's Bryce? - Then Peter Lien and a photo-op.
- What's the photo-op? It's a man who's shaken the hand of every president since Herbert Hoover.
Do we have some sort of condensed Reader's Digest index of well, all human knowledge? - We usually just use Margaret.
Okay.
We'll talk about that, but we'll do it another time.
- Yeah.
- Soon, though.
Get my notes from this morning's speech.
I've got them out.
Hey, were women with aprons and rolling pins at a rally in Wisconsin this morning? - Yeah.
- Why? - Abbey Bartlet's a lesbian.
What does that mean,"I love it when the women get involved"? - She's talking to me, right? - Abbey I don't mean Abbey and Janet Ritchie.
I'm talking about the women.
Voters.
Continuing their unbroken streak the biggest nonsense issue in the campaign will belong to the women.
"Does Abbey Bartlet love her children?" Next week:"Grandpa.
Friend or foe?" This is not a woman's issue, this is a dumb woman's issue.
I think anybody with a five-point majority and doesn't control the agenda might be spending too much time reading about getting men over fear of commitment.
I'll mention that to the South African population.
You know what? In the scheme of things, took them five minutes.
- Can we start? - Yep.
- Has anybody seen tape on this? - I still haven't.
- We'll get it.
- They asked about her license.
She said: -"Right now I'm just a wife and mother.
" - Option one, we make a joke out of it.
We make a joke out of it.
What would we have to do to it to make a joke? - The rolling pins took care of that.
- It's prêt-à-porter.
Remind me to get Josh in on this.
Option two? It's Monday.
Yeah, why? Nothing.
It was just something I said.
All right, 10 minutes.
We get this stuff to go.
- Tyler? - Yes, sir? What's a Hoosier? A Hoosier is someone from Indiana.
- Good afternoon.
- Yes.
- We'd like some food to go.
- What would you like? - What's good? - Everything.
What's your specialty? Taking someone's order and giving it to them.
- Okay.
- I saw you drive up.
- You people gonna cause trouble.
- I swear, not on purpose.
Every time he comes around here there's trouble.
I don't want leaflets in here.
You handing them out? - No.
We just want the food.
- Yeah.
Well, what do you need? Would you say there's a local delicacy? I'm getting my husband.
Right.
Excuse me.
Would you mind terribly if I changed the channel to CNN for a minute? I've been a little out of touch today.
I'd like to check in with what's been going on.
Earl and Fiona don't get cable TV.
Three channels are enough.
Picture's fuzzy today.
I think there's gonna be weather.
- What the hell, boy? - I was just asking what's good.
Yeah? We'll take four cheeseburgers.
The dry rub is good.
- Dry rub? - Yeah.
You dry rub the beef with spices for a day or two.
Sauce is a myth.
Okay.
See? - Fiona, this is what I was talking about.
- Shut up.
- We'll take it to go.
- She's been in a bad mood for well, about 45 years now, I guess.
Out in the parking lot, when you said it's Monday, I flashed on a song.
A few days ago someone told me that a girl shot up her school one day.
When they asked her why, she said: "I don't like Mondays.
" That's where the song's from.
- Yeah.
- You knew that? - Yeah.
- That's where it's from? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry about the time zones.
Why is it we cite Ritchie's advisers by name? The Milton Friedman economic plan.
The Leonard Tynan education plan.
It's our way of calling him a puppet, right? He cites them more than we do.
Which is him saying: "I wanna be president the same way you want beer.
" No, it's him saying,"It's great that Bartlet's a Nobel Prize winner.
When I'm elected, I'll hire me some of those.
" No.
No, that should be what he's saying.
What he's saying is, "Eastern education isn't for real men but don't worry, I'll have Jews for the money stuff.
" Would you mind calling C.
J.
for me? That line from the convention speech: "Challenges too great for a Potemkin presidency"? It is true.
Most people weren't the smartest kid in class.
Most people didn't like that kid.
Yeah? I don't care how subliminal it is.
This can't be a national therapy session.
C.
J.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hey, before I forget if you see Josh, could you ask him to stop by my office? Toby? - What? - She'd like you to stop by her office.
Toby, are you there? C.
J.
, it's me.
Did you happen to notice that we weren't on the plane? - You weren't on the plane? -We missed the plane.
What happened between Unionville and the plane? We missed Unionville.
We missed the motorcade.
- Bummer.
- Yeah.
Dry rub's up! I love dry rub.
They take the meat and - Hello, Mr.
President.
- Seth Weinberger's assistant came forward with word that he had an affair with a colleague.
- A newspaper printed it.
- What's the assistant's thing? You tell me.
He'd already stepped down over OSHA.
This is an assistant getting in the paper.
It's hurtful to his wife.
I don't understand it.
I also don't understand the paper, but that's another day.
This is terrible.
- Yes, sir.
- Secretary Bryce.
Good.
Is there a place you'd like me to stand? - Mr.
President.
- Mitch, come on in.
Just rock 'n' roll, Sam.
Hey.
Josh likes to stand over there.
I wanted to mention first, Mr.
President that I think you could seek Commerce's input on I won't tell you what to seek Actually, if you're talking about the stump speech and energy in particular, that's my fault, not the president's.
- I was looking at my notes - We have your input.
You're talking about the exemption.
It is sheer lunacy to suggest America takes unilateral steps while exempting 80 percent of the world's nations from the same obligations.
- Developing nations.
And I think what's lunacy is a nation of SUVs telling a nation of bicycles they have to change how they live before we'll do something about greenhouse emissions.
Among our economic competitors, there's the principle of fairness.
In international law, there's a principle called differentiated responsibilities.
We're the ones making the greenhouse gas! You're losing the support of businesses.
It's not your job to tell me whose support I'm losing.
We have people who do that.
It's your job to tell me whose support you just got for me.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
- Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Ed.
- Well, I'm Larry, sir.
- Whatever.
- Seth Weinberger's old assistant - I saw that.
I don't think a lot of blind loyalty, but I think less of blind betrayal.
- It's why I haven't gotten married.
- That's probably why.
- Congressman Lien.
- Could somebody get Leo for me, please? You hear that? He called you congressman.
Yes, sir.
You think when your folks got you out they imagined they were taking you to a place you could be a congressman? I think that's exactly what they imagined.
- Me too.
How's fishing? - It's been a good season.
- You catch any marlin? - Marlin's a game fish, sir.
- Not many eat them.
- Takes a fisherman to catch one, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Okay, I'm just saying.
- Good afternoon, Mr.
President.
- Meet Congressman Peter Lien.
Texas 22nd.
Peter, this is Leo McGarry, U.
S.
Air Force, 144th Fighter Wing.
Pleased to meet you.
Peter's family fishes in Galveston Bay, but they don't catch marlin.
It's a sore spot he doesn't like to talk about.
Peter's 34 years old.
I'm sorry it's been two months and we couldn't get you here until now.
Please, it's a busy time.
If there's any help I can give you in Texas Ordinarily I would tell you Jim Coor was a good public servant and you've got big shoes to fill, and he was, and you do but obviously you have a bigger symbolic responsibility.
- Yes, sir.
- Your biggest responsibility isn't symbolic, right? - Yes, sir.
- What is it? - It's to my district, my country and the Congress of the United States.
- Welcome to the show that never ends.
- Thank you, Mr.
President.
Isn't that a hell of a thing? What's next?