To The Manor Born (1979) s04e01 Episode Script
Christmas Special (2007)
I'm sorry to have to say this, Richard, but you leave me no choice.
You are a cheat and a liar.
I should have known, of course.
You're from Czechoslovakia.
What the hell has that got to do with it? Robert Maxwell was from Czechoslovakia.
I'm leaving you, and this time I mean it.
'Thank you for calling the Farmer Tom Company Wholesale Department.
'If you'd like to speak to Fruit and Veg, press 1.
'If you require Milk, Poultry or Fish, press hash.
' Thank you, BrabEmmeridge.
It's an excellent dinner menu, but I'm having second thoughts about the quail and truffle terrine.
You can't be too sure where bird flu might be lurking these days.
'Please hold, your call is important to us.
' No, I will not hold another minute.
I have heard "Please hold, your call is important to us" a thousand times.
'Farmer Tom Wholesale Department.
' Oh, a real person.
Now, look, I wish to speak to the chairman of the board of directors, but your machine doesn't mention a button to press for that.
And, um, what is a hash key? Oh, thank you, Emmeridge.
Look, if I want to hear any more Vivaldi, I shall go to the Royal Festival Hall.
Hello, darling.
Had a good day? Very exciting.
I ran over a badger.
Ah, what was all that about? Oh, the Farmer Tom company.
I hope you weren't upsetting them, darling, they're the only buyer we have left.
So they may be, but that doesn't entitle them to buy all our farm produce at rock-bottom prices.
Somebody must take a stand.
Well, us farmers have to take what we can get these days.
No, no, Richard.
Never ever say that.
It is not "us" farmers, it's "we" farmers.
Anyway, they wouldn't put me through to the top man.
I don't suppose he's even there, big company like that.
Ha.
Probably lives abroad.
I wanted to give him a piece of my mind.
Then he definitely lives abroad.
All I got was a call centre in Bombay or somewhere in India.
To think, they had 200 years of the Great British Raj just to end up answering telephones.
But, er what were you going to say to him, I mean, apart from the pricing? We don't have a problem with Farmer Tom, do we? We don't, but our neighbours do.
Archie Pennington-Booth? Well, you know they've terminated his supply contract because his carrots weren't straight.
Well, if the market demands straight carrots The market is stupid.
What's wrong with his wibbly-wobbly carrots? They're good wholesome carrots and not puffed up with chemicals.
I just felt that the top man should know what extreme survival measures they're driving we farmers into.
Anyway, what extreme measures are these? Archie is prostituting his acreage of good fertile farmland for guess what? A rock festival.
A what? I know it's not for me to say so Then don't, Emmeridge.
A rock festival? What, right next door? Exactly.
Not that it'll happen, of course.
Why not? Because my old deputy on the Magistrates bench is the chairwoman of the Licensing Committee.
Once I've had a word with her, that'll be the end of that.
Right.
Of course.
It's the Farmer Tom Company I blame, squeezing farmers into bankruptcy just to keep their supermarket prices down.
They're killing the golden goose.
Yes, if Archie goes that'll be the tenth estate round here to go down.
Yes, so they can buy up the land cheaply and supply themselves.
It's monstrous.
It's the Dissolution of the Monasteries all over again.
I'm going to change.
Yes, I'm starving.
What's for dinner? Oh, Marjory and the Rector.
.
.
Amen! .
.
And then the Ormsbys had to sell up because their peas weren't shiny enough, then the Graftons went to the wall because their broad beans weren't broad enough.
I mean, how broad does a bean have to be? And now, poor old Archie.
Sad the changing face of rural England.
I blame Mr Blair.
The rot set in when he emptied out the House of Lords.
No, no, Emmeridge.
That's dessert wine.
Now you tell me.
Emmeridge! He's the best we could get.
I've had to sack 18 since dear old Brabinger.
Ah, yes, dear old Brabinger.
He insisted on working for us till the day he died.
I know.
How old was he? 91.
It was taking the poor man 40 minutes to bring us a cup of tea.
Well, it can't have been easy for him, darling, balancing a tray on a Zimmer frame.
I had to keep him on.
I think it was one of my wedding vows.
Ah, so you must be looking forward to next month.
Why? Should I be? October the 15th.
October the 15th? Richard.
Fancy you not remembering our wedding anniversary.
Oh, THAT October 15th.
Well, of course! Our 25th, Rector.
Our silver wedding.
Goodness me.
Is it really 25 years since I married you? It doesn't seem like it.
YOU married her? It'd seem like 25 years if you had.
Just joking, darling.
So, umwhat is your recipe for a long and happy marriage? Oh, parallel lives.
She goes HER wayand I go hers.
I think the answer is trust and openness.
We don't have any secrets from each other, do we, darling? No, no, of course not.
I can't think of a single secret I wouldn't forgive Richard for if he shared it with me.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I once admitted to you that I actually liked Scotch eggs and you wouldn't speak to me for weeks.
Well, some things are beyond the pale, even for you.
Sorry I'm late.
I got held up in the estate office.
Ah, Adam.
This is my nephew and godson, Adam Fforbes-Hamilton.
He's just started working for Richard on the estate.
Adam, this is the Rector How do you do? .
.
and my old school-friend, Marjory Frobisher, from the Lodge.
Enchantee.
How do you do? Oh, gosh.
Marjory! Oh, Aud! If I'd known you were coming No, this is only a fleeting visit.
You see, I can't hang my washing in sight of the drive, and at the back it gets covered in goose feathers and goats' hairs.
It doesn't matter, I just wanted a quick word.
Oh, hello, Bentley.
Look, I can't stop long because I've got to be back for an English lesson.
A lesson? Isn't your English good enough? I'm teaching it, Marjory, not learning it.
Richard's employed another couple of Czechs on the estate.
Well, you always were so good at elocution.
It's much more difficult than that.
There's not a word of English between them.
We're hearing far too many foreign languages round here as it is.
If somebody doesn't do something, our lingua franca will disappear altogether.
Well, that would never do.
After the lesson, I'm competing in the carriage trials this afternoon.
So, quickly, two things.
First of all, you can put Adam down.
Oh, yes - Adam.
Don't deny it, your eyes were out on stalks.
He is a bit of a vision.
Yes, and you're old enough to be his mother.
He has been entrusted to us to make a farmer out of him, not a gigolo.
He has to get over his past.
A past.
Oh, how romantic! And the second thing What's that? It's a badger.
Yes, I can see it's a badger, but what's it doing here? Well, I found it in the road.
It must have been hit by a car or something.
And the second thing? Ermour wedding anniversary.
Ah.
I think we should celebrate it.
I want to have a party.
Oh, how lovely! We haven't had a party at the Manor for ages.
I think we should invite all the people who used to come to our parties.
It'll be our way of showing our sympathy now that they've fallen on hard times.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea, but isn't it a bit short notice? Not for a surprise party, no.
I think it should be kept a secret.
So how do people know to come? No, I mean, a secret from Richard.
There's a Game Fair at Fernhurst we can go to which will keep him away from the Manor all day.
Oh, I see.
So then when you get back, it'll be after everybody else has arrived.
Yes, I can't wait to see his face when all our old friends leap out on him from the library.
It'll be rather difficult to keep secret though, won't it? Yes, which is why I thought you should organise it from here.
Me? Here? Yes, I want you to ring round and invite everyone.
So here's the guest list and your instructions.
Dinner menu, wine list, flowers, floodlights, chamber orchestra, fireworkslivery and powdered wigs for footmen? I know, but we've got to the age where we don't want anything too elaborate.
And the prepositions are the place words, such as "on", "at", "over" Over.
".
.
under" Under.
".
.
above" Above.
".
.
below" Below.
".
.
aroundbehind.
" BOTH: A round behind.
As in everyday English.
The crudites are ON the sideboard.
The crudites are ON the sideboard.
The chandelier is ABOVE the table.
Above.
The Axminster is UNDER the table.
Above.
The table is ON the Axminster and BELOW the chandelier, which is ABOVE the table.
Under.
No.
OVER, which is up, UNDER, which is down.
ABOVE - up.
Up.
UNDER, which is Shall we try? Let's try again.
Um The butler is .
.
Under the table? No though you could be right.
That's a shame, Archie, but if you really can't put off your bankruptcy hearing till another day, you'll miss the social event of the year.
Oh, well, never mind.
Goodbye.
The Pennington-Booths.
Now, the Ormsbys.
CLOPPING HOOVES EXCITED CRIES TANNOY: We must have an official judge before starting the course.
Here we are, Richard.
Put this on.
Oh, why? Are we driving through a building site or something? Please, darling.
You did promise not to be churlish.
Well, you know me and horses.
Um And what's next? Well, all you have to do is get on the back and stand there.
What, just stand? Yes, that's what a backstepper does.
Oh, I see.
I'm just ballast, am I? A sort of dead weight? Yes, darling, but you make the most wonderful dead weight.
But what about when we go over the jumps? There are no jumps.
Oh, look, there's Archie Pennington-Booth.
Just a second.
Archie! Oh, I'm glad I've caught you.
Could I have a word with you about your rock festival? No, it's my land and I'll do whatever I want with it while I've still got it.
Look, I am mortified about your carrots, but Ha, that's rich coming from you.
It's all right for some, isn't it? Excuse me, I'm a steward.
Oh, hello, Mrs Grafton, Colonel Ormsby.
So sad about your peas and your narrow beans! What was all that about? No idea.
Archie's wibbly-wobbly carrots seem to have turned his head.
All spectators are reminded dogs must be kept on leads at all times.
EXCITED CRIES Let's get cracking.
Yee-ha! Not yet.
We need a judge on board first.
Ah.
Emmeridge! They were short of officials.
Have you done this before, then? Oh, yes, when I worked for the Duke of Edinburgh.
So they come in here, but there's nobody here because everybody's hiding.
But where? Ah! Some of them could even be in here.
Surprise! Surprise, surprise! Oh! Adam! You gave me the shock of my life! Aren't you supposed to be? I thought everyone was supposed to be out? Then what are you doing here? You casing the joint for a burglary? I can't tell you, it's a secret.
Oh, so we have a guilty secret, have we? Oh has she got you on this too? On what exactly? Erthe party.
Party? Oh, for their wedding anniversary? A surprise party, for Richard.
Well, surprise party, yes.
But not for him, no.
He's got me organising a surprise party for Audrey.
Oh, no.
How awful.
That's odd.
The last lot have gone THAT way.
Stupid people.
Can't even read the signs properly.
They'll lose a lot of time going off course like that.
In fact, there's two of them.
Shouldn't we be going that way? Please, darling.
We don't want any back seat driving, thank you.
It isn't.
Not when you haven't got a seat, it isn't.
I know it's not for me to say, but Shut up, Emmeridge.
.
.
And they'll be out all day at the Game Fair in Fernhust.
The horse show in Marlbury.
And when they get back she wants all their friends hiding in the library.
He wants all his friends hiding up there in the gallery, so they can't be seen when they come in.
And she's ordered a chamber orchestra.
He's ordered the Glen Miller Tribute Band.
This is impossible.
Somehow we're going to have to get our heads together, you and me.
Now, there's a promise.
EXCITED SHOUTS WHINNYING We're off course.
They can't expect us to get through this.
Of course we can.
There's never been a hazard that has defeated me yet.
Careful! Steady, Macho.
SHOUTING SPLASH! Well, that's you disqualified! It's all your fault, Emmeridge.
I thought you said you'd done this for the Duke of Edinburgh? Only the once, sir The day he sacked me.
Just as well there's nobody here to see us.
LAUGHTER Well done, Audrey(!) SLOW HAND CLAP They laughed.
I can't believe it.
They actually laughed at us as if they were glad to see us disqualified.
Yes, but didn't you notice who they all were? Who? Audrey, darling, did you mean what you said last night that there was no secret I could have you wouldn't forgive? Why, have you got one? Yes.
Don't tell me.
You're not paying the Czechs the proper minimum wage.
No.
It's about Farmer Tom.
What does he want now, square tomatoes? No, no, it's about his identity.
Oh.
So you know who he is then? Actually, I do.
Oh, well, who is he then? Me.
Sorry? Me.
Me.
I am Farmer Tom.
What, you? You - Farmer Tom?! You? Yes, me.
Somebody must have found out that Farmer Tom is me and gone spreading it around the neighbourhood.
And you mean it's true? YOU are Farmer Tom? Yes, but It's you who's been driving all my oldest friends into penury.
Well, not me personally HISSING Richard, this is the last straw.
Listen, Audrey, I don't actually run the company, but I did start it upfor you.
For me? Yes, to give us a buyer when no other wholesaler would touch us, so that you could preserve your ridiculous fantasy that old farming methods are best.
Oh, if you mean not allowing ugly black polythene bags to replace our beautiful old haystacks Yes.
That and the rest.
I mean, I had to do something or we'd have gone bankrupt like all the others.
Is that what you wanted? Oh, I see.
So it's MY fault, is it, you unspeakable man? The crudites are on the sideboard.
Audrey! Audrey! I didn't know Farmer Tom was going to take off the way it did.
What was I supposed to do - walk away the minute it started making big money? Yes, if it was at the expense of other people's livelihoods.
And you lied to me.
You told me Farmer Tom himself lived abroad.
I said "probably".
Yes, all right, so he lives here, in this very house, as it happens.
Not with me, he doesn't.
Just in here to do now.
What's that supposed to mean? This is the absolute end.
To find out someth What are you doing? It's an old trick I learnt from Mother if you didn't want to be overheard by the Secret Service in Bratislava.
RUNNING WATER You were saying? This is the end.
To find out suddenly that I'm married to the snake in the grass who has single-handedly brought about the wilful destruction of the social fabric of rural England.
Well, it's not just me.
There's all the other supermarkets too.
That is not an excuse for joining in the free-for-all pillage.
I'm sorry to have to say this, Richard, but you leave me no alternative.
You are a cheat and a liar.
I should have known, of course.
You're from Czechoslovakia.
What the hell's that got to do with it? Robert Maxwell was from Czechoslovakia.
I'm leaving you and this time I mean it.
Oh, but it'll be such fun.
There'll be dancing and fireworks, and Audrey's inviting everyone who is anyone, as well as those who used to be.
Oh, but it won't be the same without you.
In fact, there won't be a party at all unless somebody comes.
Oh, well, if you really have to emigrate to Zimbabwe, goodbye.
Marjory Oh, Aud, I've got terrible news for you.
You've got terrible news? Yes, everybody is refusing to come to your surprise party.
Well, that's hardly a surprise now, is it? What do you mean? I mean, would you go to a party given by somebody who'd just driven you to bankruptcy and forced you off your own land? Aud, what's happened? I've left Richard.
And the party's off.
Oh, Audrey, that's wonderful news! I wouldn't bother up there, Emmeridge.
Mrs DeVere won't be coming in to dinner.
Oh, had a bit of a row, have we? Emmeridge! It's none of your business.
Please yourself.
A bit in the doghouse, are we? She knows you're Farmer Tom and she's left you, is that it? Left me? Lord, no.
She's just gone for bit of a walk to let it sink in.
Oh.
Well, there's nothing unusual in that.
So she's left before? Not exactly, but she's threatened tohundreds of times.
The first time was early on when I refused to let Bertie into the house.
Sorry, Bertie? Her blessed dog.
And there was another close shave a few weeks back when she caught me watching Big Brother.
Sin indeed.
So where's she gone? Marjory's probably.
And if not, Marjory will know where she is.
So you just have to ask Marjory.
Well, it's not that easy.
Audrey would know that's what I'd do and swear Marjory to secrecy.
From me, but not necessarily from you.
Me? You want me to go and ask? Well, not now.
Tomorrow.
Pretend you don't know quite what's happened and use your manly charms to worm something out of her.
I don't believe it.
Shall I book you into a hotel? An hotel? I couldn't possibly.
Can you see me wrestling with those ghastly little pots of marmalade? No, I'm sorry, Marjory.
There's only one thing for it.
Here? I'm sorry, but if it's too much trouble No, of course not.
You can have my bedroom.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
I'll sleep in Brabinger's old room.
But there isn't a bed in there.
The woodworm got to it and I had to chuck it out.
Oh.
Well, I'll sleep down here without the badger, preferably.
Oh, of course.
He sleeps under the stairs where it's warm and dark.
I'm sorry to impose, Marjory.
It's justI need to be alone.
Good night, Bentley.
Oh, Bentley.
No, you're a lovely dog, but, no, get off.
Oh, Bentley.
Bentley, I can get all that at home.
Ah, my nightcap.
It's not for me to say, sir, but No, it's not, Emmeridge.
.
.
but are you sure about this? Would I have asked if I weren't? Now, come on, give, give.
But you know what Mrs DeVere is like about this in the house at all, let alone the bedroom.
Yes, I do, but she's not here, is she? No, but she'll sniff it out, and it'll be more than my job's worth.
Stop wittering and give me a light.
I'm not going to sit here and suck on it.
On your head be it.
Yes.
And the rest.
That'll be all.
I'll put the local fire brigade on standby, sir.
TV: The housemates are in the living room There you go.
Good boy, Bentley.
Come on, Bentley, off.
There's a good boy.
Morning.
Oh, morning.
So how did you sleep? Oh, very well, thank you.
For five minutes here and there.
Bentley wasn't a nuisance, was he? No, no, no.
He was company.
I haven't shared a room with a dog since Bertie.
I didn't realise how much I miss him.
You could have got another dog.
Why? I had Richard.
But Richard isn't a dog.
Well, that's debatable now, isn't it? No, he just didn't agree with dogs in the house.
What time is breakfast served? Served? Nobody gets served here.
I do it myself.
Oh, well, just a croissant and a cup of Earl Grey would be lovely.
Ooh, we've got visitors! Oh, my gosh, it's Adam! Come to see where I am, I suppose.
Richard can't even do his own dirty work - he has to send his errand boy.
Now you haven't seen me, all right? And just get rid of him.
Adam! What a lovely surprise.
Marjory.
I was just passing, thought it would be nice to continue our little chat about the party.
Oh, the party.
Well, actually there is no subject I'd rather talk about.
Good, only my aunt seems to have popped out, so it might be our only chance.
Oh.
Well, aren't you going to invite me in? No.
Is this a bad moment? You're not hiding a boyfriend upstairs, are you? No, no.
It's just that Good.
Oh! Oh, you're coming in.
I see you're coming in! This is all very homely.
It isn't much, but it does for one.
Just two up and two down, but just one of me, of course.
All alone.
Nobody else here.
You always lived here on your own? Not in this house, but I've lived on the estate for, oh, 40 years now.
So you were born here, then? Oh, heavens, no! I'm a bit older than that.
Well, just a very little bit.
But always on your own.
I mean, you've never married or anything? No, nobody ever asked so far.
What a waste.
I mean, you're a very attractive woman.
Oh, gosh.
It seems I got it a bit wrong this time.
I knew she'd stamp her foot and throw a tantrum, and at worst do her old "I'm leaving" routine, only this time, she's actually done it, Mother.
Took off, just like that.
Sowhat would you advise? I meanto get her back without having to you know crawl? You're a woman.
Give me a clue.
Talk to me.
MOBILE RINGS Yes? Rock festival? No, that's the Pennington-Booth estate.
Not here.
So? Oh, I see.
Yes, good idea, Mother.
That sort of thing certainly worked in the old days and it might well again.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mother.
Well, she's only my aunt by marriage.
Her first husband, Martin, was my dad's brother.
I'm the only nephew, lots of nieces, various godchildren - Amanda, Ruchenda, Fiona, Beatrice, Eugenie How very interesting.
Oh, here's me wittering on.
Well, I mustn't take up any more of your valuable time.
Oh, you're leaving.
Don't want my aunt coming back and catching us chatting, do we? No, we don't.
You don't happen to know where she's gone, do you? No, I haven't seen her.
Why? Just wondering.
No, Bentley, no! Come away.
He does that sometimes.
Why, what've you got in there? Oh, just some old things and a badger.
A badger? Come away, Bentley.
He gets very vicious when he's disturbed.
Oh, no, you don't.
'You stay right where you are.
' A talking badger? 'Don't you dare.
' Don't you point those nasty sharp claws at me.
Get back in your box, do you hear? Stay, stay.
What on earth can she be doing in there? Audrey! 'Get back!' Sit! Sit! Oh, Adam.
How lovely to see you.
Just looking after Marjory's badger.
I think it's important we cherish our wildlife, don't you? Anyone for lacrosse? So, playing silly games already, is she? Well, we can all do that.
At least you know where she is.
You can go and talk to her.
What for? To patch things up, persuade her back.
Certainly not.
She walked out on me.
It's up to her to come and persuade me to have her back.
That's the way it works, and if living with Marjory doesn't force the issue, nothing will.
Do you fancy a drink? Bit early for me.
Me too, but who's to stop us, eh? Two whiskies, please, Emmeridge.
While the cat's away I know it's not for me to say, sir, but if you ask me I didn't.
Very good, sir.
I suppose when you were here on your own, this place must have seen some action - wild parties and stuff.
Well, one or two in the early days.
But I had my mother living with me then.
And then Audrey was living over there in the Lodge, watching my every move.
Like a hawk.
Watching.
Probably what she's doing now.
Audrey, you put your dirty dishes in the washing machine.
It was really no trouble.
He's out on the terrace having a drink with Adam.
He never drinks at this time of day.
Are you going to spend all your time spying on him like this? Of course.
I'm not able to trust him any more, am I? I don't know what he's going to get up to next, not now my back's turned.
I expect everything will carry on as normal.
That's just it.
It has no right to carry on as normal.
I'm not there.
Well, go back then.
What? Me go to him? Certainly not.
He's got to come to me, begging forgiveness.
I can't see that happening.
Oh, it will, in time.
I'll see to that.
Meanwhile, this is rather fun.
Deja vu.
I haven't done this for years.
So what are you going to do? Sit it out and see what he does next.
This is a war of nerves, and I'm not going to be the one who blinks first.
How exciting! For how long? As long as it takes, Marjory.
As long as it takes.
And if I put a foot wrong, she'd come charging over here to kick up a rumpus.
I can imagine.
So if I put a foot, a very big foot, wrong now, if it's to do with her beloved Manor, she'll be back here like a shot.
I wonder if he knows you're watching him? Oh, he knows all right.
Mr Pennington-Booth? Oh, Archie, it's Richard DeVere here.
Yes, if that's what you'd prefer to call me.
Well, I could try, but only if my osteopath were present.
Look, I think there's a way we can sort things out before your next assassination attempt.
Well, how about lunch here at the Manor? Say, one o'clock tomorrow? Oh, good.
Goodbye.
Well, this is certainly going to knock spots off the village fete, but will she fall for it? I swear iton my mother's grave.
Actually it was her idea.
Lunch.
Oh, thank you.
What's this? Shepherd's pie.
No, these carrots are straight.
They're not the wibbly-wobbly ones.
Well, They're the only ones I could get at the supermarket.
Et tu, Marjory? I feel betrayed.
You're worse than Richard.
I'm sorry, but I don't really like the wibbly-wobbly ones.
Don't you see? It's people like you who've been putting poor Archie Pennington-Booth out of business.
Thank you, Emmeridge.
So, Archie Mr Pennington-Booth I've been talking to our marketing people and I can tell you that the Farmer Tom Company will be happy to sponsor your rock festival.
Really? And hold it on both of our estates.
Yours and mine.
Well, you've bowled me a bit of a googlie here.
Well, It's just what we need to liven the place up a bit.
Something to put us on the map, eh? I know it's not for me to say, sir, but So save your breath, Emmeridge.
But what will Audrey have to say about this? She'll hit the roof, won't she? Yes.
(With any luck.
) We can discuss the details over lunch.
Lunch! Here's to two old rockers.
Lunch? Oh.
Yes.
.
.
Emmeridge! I can rely on you to make sure my wife gets to hear about my sponsorship, can't I? No doubt you'll make it worth my while.
Oh, yes, because I've got another little proposal to put to you.
Ah, Emmeridge.
Lunch? Ah.
Yes, sir, I was just trying to knock something together, sir.
What do you mean "knock something together"? Only nothing was said to me about lunch.
Why does anything have to be said about lunch? There's always lunch.
But Mrs DeVere has given no instructions.
Does the whole confounded system have to break down just because Mrs DeVere is not here? But she always instructs us as to lunch just after breakfast, and then reminds us again at about 11, and then changes her mind at about 12.
Be that as it may, surely one of the women must have cooked something? Well, no, sir, there are no staff.
They've all disappeared.
Disappeared? Where to, for heaven's sake? As if anyone is likely to tell me! Oh, that's right, Ella.
If it's brown, polish it.
Especially if it's supposed to be silver.
Oh, erm, Mrs Armitage.
Would you mind? Audrey, they're moving everything around.
It's no trouble.
It's the very least I can do by way of a thank-you for letting me stay here.
But it's MY house.
And the pleasure is entirely mine.
It's only a spring clean, after all, even if it is a bit late in the year.
If you want do something, you can PHONE RINGS .
.
answer the telephone.
Come on, Bentley.
Good boy.
Come on, Bentley.
Give it a good wash.
Now, that is right, ladies, but we haven't finished till every nook and cranny is sparkling No, not there.
And don't put anything back until I've decided where it should go.
Yes, I'll tell her.
Who was that? Archie Pennington-Booth.
I'm to tell you his rock festival now has commercial sponsorship.
Really? From whom? The Farmer Tom company.
The? You mean Richard? Yes, and he says he's allowing it to spread over onto this estate.
I see.
There's only one answer to that.
Ladies, when you've finished here, how would you like to take a holiday? Fully paid of course, and, erm, until further notice.
Emmeridge! Emmeridge! Ah, Emmeridge, excellent.
My compliments to the blacksmith.
Emmeridge, what the hell is going on in this house? I am a butler, sir.
I am trying to do the best I can under the circumstances.
Why's none of my laundry been done? I haven't got a single clean shirt to wear this morning.
I am not a cook, sir.
I'm not asking you to cook them.
I am not a laundry maid, or a scullery maid, or a skivvy.
Well, where is the laundry woman? In Bognor, sir, still on holiday.
Bognor? Well, I want her back herenow.
And all the others.
As if I haven't tried to recall them on your behalf, sir, but they will only take orders from Mrs DeVere.
Dear God! No clean shirts, the place is a tip, and the food is inedible.
You got us into this, you get us out of it.
Are you talking to me? Yes, you.
Watch your lip, Emmeridge.
No.
I know it's not for me to say, sir, but I'll say what it isn't for me to say.
This house cannot function without Mrs DeVere.
Unless you recall her by this weekend, I'm going to hand in my notice.
Oh, and what makes you think I can wait until then? You're fired as of now so you can get out.
As you wish, sir .
.
just as soon as I have my notice confirmed in writing by my employer Mrs DeVere, sir.
LAUGHTER What are you sniggering at? Well, you've got to admit, he's not wrong.
What am I supposed to do? Call in a United Nations Peacekeeping Force? Audrey's so much better at this than I am.
I wish I'd never told her now.
If you're so clever, YOU sort it out, if you can come up with some bright idea.
I already have.
As a matter of fact, it's your idea.
".
.
and such a rock festival will attract a huge influx of unwashed, undesirable elements "causing health risks to our ,community the long-term consequences of which would be unimaginable" Audrey, you can't ask the Licensing Committee to imagine something that's unimaginable.
Now you're splitting hairs and it's splitting ears we should be worrying about.
You know the kind of deafening music young people like.
No, nor do you.
I didn't, but the other night I switched on a programme about the Arctic Monkeys only to find that David Attenborough was nowhere to be seen.
You don't know anything about young people either.
Of course I do.
I'm a magistrate - they're up before me in court all the time.
Not on their own ground.
You've never been to a rock concert or a disco club or a rave or anything.
Oh.
Thank you, Emmeridge.
You have a point.
Maybe in the name of research we should go to one then.
We? Yes, that club in Marlbury.
We'll go undercover and mingle with the crowds.
What'll we wear? Oh, well, I suppose if there's dancing involved we should be thinking long.
DANCE MUSIC POUNDS It was a good idea to bring these drinks.
We don't want to look conspicuous, do we? Dance? Dance!? There are limits.
I think I've seen enough bare midriffs for one night.
Let's go.
Oh, that's better, except it's given me an awful headache.
Hold this, would you? What are you looking for? A paracetamol.
Can I have one? I've got a headache too.
Of course.
Water.
Well, I think we've had all the first-hand experience we need.
Let's go home.
Oh, no, you don't.
Would you two pill-popping drag queens mind coming with us? TV: The housemates are in the dining room, having supper.
Lucky housemates.
Oh, gosh, look at the time.
Well, it's hardly worth going to bed now, is it? You wanted to be fresh for the Licensing Committee hearing this morning.
Honestly! Searches, blood tests, samples.
Who did they think we were? Olympic athletes? And we had to queue for the privilege.
Well, I suppose at that time of night it was rush hour in the police station.
So it may be, but surely that child-policewoman could distinguish between us from that rabble of drunken, drug-crazed trollops.
I didn't think women spoke that kind of language.
I was most embarrassed.
Well, they did provoke me.
Marjory, what is ecstasy anyway? I don't know, but I bet it beats Wine Gums.
So, with the guarantee of good management which comes with the sponsorship of a company that has promoted successful and orderly events of this kind in the past, we submit our application for the Licensing Committee's approval.
Thank you, Mr Pennington-Booth.
Well, as you say, with all that backing, and there being no police objection, I see no grounds why your application should be refused, so Just a minute.
Yes, Mrs DeVere? I am not in favour.
I am very much against.
Well, how can you be when it's your estate which is not only staging the event, but is sponsoring it as well? That's not me.
That's my husband.
Mrs DeVere, this is a Licensing Committee, not a Domestic Court.
Perhaps we should hear from Mr DeVere himself? What? I insist I be heard! Mary I mean, Madame Chairman I have first-hand personal experience of these events, as the local constabulary is aware.
Please, Mrs DeVere.
Sit down.
This may only be a Licensing Committee, but I can hold you in contempt of court.
The cheek.
Just look at the state of him.
Now, Mr DeVere, you are sponsoring this event, I believe? No, I'm not.
NOT sponsoring it.
No.
That is to say I WAS, but I've been thinking about it overnight and I've come here to say that I've changed my mind.
Does this mean you are now opposed to it? Completely.
I agree totally with whatever my wife said.
Could I ask why you've changed your mind? Let's just say it's a question of priorities.
Some things are, perhaps, more important.
His laundry, a clean house and regular meals.
Me! In that case, back to square one, then.
Licensing application refused.
Well, really! What rubbish! There he goes.
He'll find his family and soon be back in his natural habitat.
It should be me back in my natural habitat.
This is not the way I intended spending my silver wedding anniversary.
Well, you missed your chance, didn't you? I can't understand why you didn't make up straight after the Licensing hearing.
Because he's still Farmer Tom.
Besides which, he went straight back home thinking I'd fall for his pathetic cry for help and follow meekly along.
He's got to come to me.
And plead? Richard? Oh, come on! He will, and I thought today would be the day.
Maybe he's given you up as a bad job.
Never.
He needs me.
You could see he's gone to pieces.
And you need to be back at the Manor.
True, but it isn't the Manor I miss.
It's him.
And to be honest, I don't think I can keep this up much longer.
Oh, that makes two of us.
Marjory, do you think I'm being silly? Yes.
Maybe.
If he doesn't come tonight, I'll He may be an arrogant, manipulative hypocrite, but, well he's MY arrogant, manipulative hypocrite.
I mean, it's been a good marriage, and let's face it, I can't be the easiest person to live with.
Could be said.
And marrying me took him so far away from his roots and the world of big business and to bury himself in the depths of the country can't have been easy for him.
You've made sacrifices for him too.
Have I? Mmm.
What? Not having a dog in the house.
Even so, here we are, on our 25th wedding anniversary, still apart and both miserable.
What's that noise? Music of some kind.
Oh, my Lord! What now? He's having a party.
I can see that.
It's OUR anniversary and he's having a high old time with other people.
Look, there are call girls in the porch.
And they're all over him.
So much for his little show of contrition! What a sham that was, and to think I nearly fell for it.
Police.
No, I will not hold - this IS an emergency.
A riot appears to have broken out at Grantleigh Manor.
What? Well, do something about it, that's what.
Oh, what's the use? They're probably too busy strip-searching every middle-aged lady with a headache.
Come on.
What are you going to do? What any self-respecting wife would do when she's caught her husband at it - I'm going to break it up myself.
Well, shouldn't you change first? BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS The crudites are on the sideboard.
Right, thank you, everybody, thank you.
First of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming and for keeping it such a big secret from you-know-who.
Right, now, you all know why you're here and what you have to do, so when the time comes, I want you all out of sight, upstairs, in the bedrooms, anywhere.
Feel free.
Upstairs in the bedrooms? And for what purpose, pray? Oh, no.
Oh, dear, that's blown it.
It certainly has, and just in time too.
What have you got to say for yourself? Happy anniversary.
Yes, OUR anniversary and what are you doing? Living it up with all these .
.
Amanda? Fiona? Ruchenda? What are all my godchildren doing here? And Archie? And? What is going on? ALL: Happy anniversary, Audrey! You mean .
.
Marjory, do you know something about this? This is your anniversary party.
A surprise party.
Would you all excuse us just for a moment, please? Richard, you are quite impossible.
This is so embarrassing.
Surprise parties are meant to be.
And you walked right into my little trap.
But I'm not even correctly dressed.
The correct dress for a surprise party is whatever you were surprised in.
How did you get my friends here when they know you're Farmer Tom? I'm not any more.
I've sold all my shares and we've all decided to go into an independent Farmers' Co-operative together.
UmI had to bribe them, but anything to get you back.
Darling, is there nothing you won't stoop to for me? Not much.
Forgive me.
You are an impossible man, but, as I said, there is nothing you could do I couldn't forgive.
Come on, you'd better talk to your guests.
And we've got another little surprise for you.
Oh, your anniversary present.
Oh, how sweet! How divine! Bertie the second.
And he'll be allowed into the house.
And so will you, darling.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, darling.
SIREN WAILS RICHARD LAUGHS
You are a cheat and a liar.
I should have known, of course.
You're from Czechoslovakia.
What the hell has that got to do with it? Robert Maxwell was from Czechoslovakia.
I'm leaving you, and this time I mean it.
'Thank you for calling the Farmer Tom Company Wholesale Department.
'If you'd like to speak to Fruit and Veg, press 1.
'If you require Milk, Poultry or Fish, press hash.
' Thank you, BrabEmmeridge.
It's an excellent dinner menu, but I'm having second thoughts about the quail and truffle terrine.
You can't be too sure where bird flu might be lurking these days.
'Please hold, your call is important to us.
' No, I will not hold another minute.
I have heard "Please hold, your call is important to us" a thousand times.
'Farmer Tom Wholesale Department.
' Oh, a real person.
Now, look, I wish to speak to the chairman of the board of directors, but your machine doesn't mention a button to press for that.
And, um, what is a hash key? Oh, thank you, Emmeridge.
Look, if I want to hear any more Vivaldi, I shall go to the Royal Festival Hall.
Hello, darling.
Had a good day? Very exciting.
I ran over a badger.
Ah, what was all that about? Oh, the Farmer Tom company.
I hope you weren't upsetting them, darling, they're the only buyer we have left.
So they may be, but that doesn't entitle them to buy all our farm produce at rock-bottom prices.
Somebody must take a stand.
Well, us farmers have to take what we can get these days.
No, no, Richard.
Never ever say that.
It is not "us" farmers, it's "we" farmers.
Anyway, they wouldn't put me through to the top man.
I don't suppose he's even there, big company like that.
Ha.
Probably lives abroad.
I wanted to give him a piece of my mind.
Then he definitely lives abroad.
All I got was a call centre in Bombay or somewhere in India.
To think, they had 200 years of the Great British Raj just to end up answering telephones.
But, er what were you going to say to him, I mean, apart from the pricing? We don't have a problem with Farmer Tom, do we? We don't, but our neighbours do.
Archie Pennington-Booth? Well, you know they've terminated his supply contract because his carrots weren't straight.
Well, if the market demands straight carrots The market is stupid.
What's wrong with his wibbly-wobbly carrots? They're good wholesome carrots and not puffed up with chemicals.
I just felt that the top man should know what extreme survival measures they're driving we farmers into.
Anyway, what extreme measures are these? Archie is prostituting his acreage of good fertile farmland for guess what? A rock festival.
A what? I know it's not for me to say so Then don't, Emmeridge.
A rock festival? What, right next door? Exactly.
Not that it'll happen, of course.
Why not? Because my old deputy on the Magistrates bench is the chairwoman of the Licensing Committee.
Once I've had a word with her, that'll be the end of that.
Right.
Of course.
It's the Farmer Tom Company I blame, squeezing farmers into bankruptcy just to keep their supermarket prices down.
They're killing the golden goose.
Yes, if Archie goes that'll be the tenth estate round here to go down.
Yes, so they can buy up the land cheaply and supply themselves.
It's monstrous.
It's the Dissolution of the Monasteries all over again.
I'm going to change.
Yes, I'm starving.
What's for dinner? Oh, Marjory and the Rector.
.
.
Amen! .
.
And then the Ormsbys had to sell up because their peas weren't shiny enough, then the Graftons went to the wall because their broad beans weren't broad enough.
I mean, how broad does a bean have to be? And now, poor old Archie.
Sad the changing face of rural England.
I blame Mr Blair.
The rot set in when he emptied out the House of Lords.
No, no, Emmeridge.
That's dessert wine.
Now you tell me.
Emmeridge! He's the best we could get.
I've had to sack 18 since dear old Brabinger.
Ah, yes, dear old Brabinger.
He insisted on working for us till the day he died.
I know.
How old was he? 91.
It was taking the poor man 40 minutes to bring us a cup of tea.
Well, it can't have been easy for him, darling, balancing a tray on a Zimmer frame.
I had to keep him on.
I think it was one of my wedding vows.
Ah, so you must be looking forward to next month.
Why? Should I be? October the 15th.
October the 15th? Richard.
Fancy you not remembering our wedding anniversary.
Oh, THAT October 15th.
Well, of course! Our 25th, Rector.
Our silver wedding.
Goodness me.
Is it really 25 years since I married you? It doesn't seem like it.
YOU married her? It'd seem like 25 years if you had.
Just joking, darling.
So, umwhat is your recipe for a long and happy marriage? Oh, parallel lives.
She goes HER wayand I go hers.
I think the answer is trust and openness.
We don't have any secrets from each other, do we, darling? No, no, of course not.
I can't think of a single secret I wouldn't forgive Richard for if he shared it with me.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I once admitted to you that I actually liked Scotch eggs and you wouldn't speak to me for weeks.
Well, some things are beyond the pale, even for you.
Sorry I'm late.
I got held up in the estate office.
Ah, Adam.
This is my nephew and godson, Adam Fforbes-Hamilton.
He's just started working for Richard on the estate.
Adam, this is the Rector How do you do? .
.
and my old school-friend, Marjory Frobisher, from the Lodge.
Enchantee.
How do you do? Oh, gosh.
Marjory! Oh, Aud! If I'd known you were coming No, this is only a fleeting visit.
You see, I can't hang my washing in sight of the drive, and at the back it gets covered in goose feathers and goats' hairs.
It doesn't matter, I just wanted a quick word.
Oh, hello, Bentley.
Look, I can't stop long because I've got to be back for an English lesson.
A lesson? Isn't your English good enough? I'm teaching it, Marjory, not learning it.
Richard's employed another couple of Czechs on the estate.
Well, you always were so good at elocution.
It's much more difficult than that.
There's not a word of English between them.
We're hearing far too many foreign languages round here as it is.
If somebody doesn't do something, our lingua franca will disappear altogether.
Well, that would never do.
After the lesson, I'm competing in the carriage trials this afternoon.
So, quickly, two things.
First of all, you can put Adam down.
Oh, yes - Adam.
Don't deny it, your eyes were out on stalks.
He is a bit of a vision.
Yes, and you're old enough to be his mother.
He has been entrusted to us to make a farmer out of him, not a gigolo.
He has to get over his past.
A past.
Oh, how romantic! And the second thing What's that? It's a badger.
Yes, I can see it's a badger, but what's it doing here? Well, I found it in the road.
It must have been hit by a car or something.
And the second thing? Ermour wedding anniversary.
Ah.
I think we should celebrate it.
I want to have a party.
Oh, how lovely! We haven't had a party at the Manor for ages.
I think we should invite all the people who used to come to our parties.
It'll be our way of showing our sympathy now that they've fallen on hard times.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea, but isn't it a bit short notice? Not for a surprise party, no.
I think it should be kept a secret.
So how do people know to come? No, I mean, a secret from Richard.
There's a Game Fair at Fernhurst we can go to which will keep him away from the Manor all day.
Oh, I see.
So then when you get back, it'll be after everybody else has arrived.
Yes, I can't wait to see his face when all our old friends leap out on him from the library.
It'll be rather difficult to keep secret though, won't it? Yes, which is why I thought you should organise it from here.
Me? Here? Yes, I want you to ring round and invite everyone.
So here's the guest list and your instructions.
Dinner menu, wine list, flowers, floodlights, chamber orchestra, fireworkslivery and powdered wigs for footmen? I know, but we've got to the age where we don't want anything too elaborate.
And the prepositions are the place words, such as "on", "at", "over" Over.
".
.
under" Under.
".
.
above" Above.
".
.
below" Below.
".
.
aroundbehind.
" BOTH: A round behind.
As in everyday English.
The crudites are ON the sideboard.
The crudites are ON the sideboard.
The chandelier is ABOVE the table.
Above.
The Axminster is UNDER the table.
Above.
The table is ON the Axminster and BELOW the chandelier, which is ABOVE the table.
Under.
No.
OVER, which is up, UNDER, which is down.
ABOVE - up.
Up.
UNDER, which is Shall we try? Let's try again.
Um The butler is .
.
Under the table? No though you could be right.
That's a shame, Archie, but if you really can't put off your bankruptcy hearing till another day, you'll miss the social event of the year.
Oh, well, never mind.
Goodbye.
The Pennington-Booths.
Now, the Ormsbys.
CLOPPING HOOVES EXCITED CRIES TANNOY: We must have an official judge before starting the course.
Here we are, Richard.
Put this on.
Oh, why? Are we driving through a building site or something? Please, darling.
You did promise not to be churlish.
Well, you know me and horses.
Um And what's next? Well, all you have to do is get on the back and stand there.
What, just stand? Yes, that's what a backstepper does.
Oh, I see.
I'm just ballast, am I? A sort of dead weight? Yes, darling, but you make the most wonderful dead weight.
But what about when we go over the jumps? There are no jumps.
Oh, look, there's Archie Pennington-Booth.
Just a second.
Archie! Oh, I'm glad I've caught you.
Could I have a word with you about your rock festival? No, it's my land and I'll do whatever I want with it while I've still got it.
Look, I am mortified about your carrots, but Ha, that's rich coming from you.
It's all right for some, isn't it? Excuse me, I'm a steward.
Oh, hello, Mrs Grafton, Colonel Ormsby.
So sad about your peas and your narrow beans! What was all that about? No idea.
Archie's wibbly-wobbly carrots seem to have turned his head.
All spectators are reminded dogs must be kept on leads at all times.
EXCITED CRIES Let's get cracking.
Yee-ha! Not yet.
We need a judge on board first.
Ah.
Emmeridge! They were short of officials.
Have you done this before, then? Oh, yes, when I worked for the Duke of Edinburgh.
So they come in here, but there's nobody here because everybody's hiding.
But where? Ah! Some of them could even be in here.
Surprise! Surprise, surprise! Oh! Adam! You gave me the shock of my life! Aren't you supposed to be? I thought everyone was supposed to be out? Then what are you doing here? You casing the joint for a burglary? I can't tell you, it's a secret.
Oh, so we have a guilty secret, have we? Oh has she got you on this too? On what exactly? Erthe party.
Party? Oh, for their wedding anniversary? A surprise party, for Richard.
Well, surprise party, yes.
But not for him, no.
He's got me organising a surprise party for Audrey.
Oh, no.
How awful.
That's odd.
The last lot have gone THAT way.
Stupid people.
Can't even read the signs properly.
They'll lose a lot of time going off course like that.
In fact, there's two of them.
Shouldn't we be going that way? Please, darling.
We don't want any back seat driving, thank you.
It isn't.
Not when you haven't got a seat, it isn't.
I know it's not for me to say, but Shut up, Emmeridge.
.
.
And they'll be out all day at the Game Fair in Fernhust.
The horse show in Marlbury.
And when they get back she wants all their friends hiding in the library.
He wants all his friends hiding up there in the gallery, so they can't be seen when they come in.
And she's ordered a chamber orchestra.
He's ordered the Glen Miller Tribute Band.
This is impossible.
Somehow we're going to have to get our heads together, you and me.
Now, there's a promise.
EXCITED SHOUTS WHINNYING We're off course.
They can't expect us to get through this.
Of course we can.
There's never been a hazard that has defeated me yet.
Careful! Steady, Macho.
SHOUTING SPLASH! Well, that's you disqualified! It's all your fault, Emmeridge.
I thought you said you'd done this for the Duke of Edinburgh? Only the once, sir The day he sacked me.
Just as well there's nobody here to see us.
LAUGHTER Well done, Audrey(!) SLOW HAND CLAP They laughed.
I can't believe it.
They actually laughed at us as if they were glad to see us disqualified.
Yes, but didn't you notice who they all were? Who? Audrey, darling, did you mean what you said last night that there was no secret I could have you wouldn't forgive? Why, have you got one? Yes.
Don't tell me.
You're not paying the Czechs the proper minimum wage.
No.
It's about Farmer Tom.
What does he want now, square tomatoes? No, no, it's about his identity.
Oh.
So you know who he is then? Actually, I do.
Oh, well, who is he then? Me.
Sorry? Me.
Me.
I am Farmer Tom.
What, you? You - Farmer Tom?! You? Yes, me.
Somebody must have found out that Farmer Tom is me and gone spreading it around the neighbourhood.
And you mean it's true? YOU are Farmer Tom? Yes, but It's you who's been driving all my oldest friends into penury.
Well, not me personally HISSING Richard, this is the last straw.
Listen, Audrey, I don't actually run the company, but I did start it upfor you.
For me? Yes, to give us a buyer when no other wholesaler would touch us, so that you could preserve your ridiculous fantasy that old farming methods are best.
Oh, if you mean not allowing ugly black polythene bags to replace our beautiful old haystacks Yes.
That and the rest.
I mean, I had to do something or we'd have gone bankrupt like all the others.
Is that what you wanted? Oh, I see.
So it's MY fault, is it, you unspeakable man? The crudites are on the sideboard.
Audrey! Audrey! I didn't know Farmer Tom was going to take off the way it did.
What was I supposed to do - walk away the minute it started making big money? Yes, if it was at the expense of other people's livelihoods.
And you lied to me.
You told me Farmer Tom himself lived abroad.
I said "probably".
Yes, all right, so he lives here, in this very house, as it happens.
Not with me, he doesn't.
Just in here to do now.
What's that supposed to mean? This is the absolute end.
To find out someth What are you doing? It's an old trick I learnt from Mother if you didn't want to be overheard by the Secret Service in Bratislava.
RUNNING WATER You were saying? This is the end.
To find out suddenly that I'm married to the snake in the grass who has single-handedly brought about the wilful destruction of the social fabric of rural England.
Well, it's not just me.
There's all the other supermarkets too.
That is not an excuse for joining in the free-for-all pillage.
I'm sorry to have to say this, Richard, but you leave me no alternative.
You are a cheat and a liar.
I should have known, of course.
You're from Czechoslovakia.
What the hell's that got to do with it? Robert Maxwell was from Czechoslovakia.
I'm leaving you and this time I mean it.
Oh, but it'll be such fun.
There'll be dancing and fireworks, and Audrey's inviting everyone who is anyone, as well as those who used to be.
Oh, but it won't be the same without you.
In fact, there won't be a party at all unless somebody comes.
Oh, well, if you really have to emigrate to Zimbabwe, goodbye.
Marjory Oh, Aud, I've got terrible news for you.
You've got terrible news? Yes, everybody is refusing to come to your surprise party.
Well, that's hardly a surprise now, is it? What do you mean? I mean, would you go to a party given by somebody who'd just driven you to bankruptcy and forced you off your own land? Aud, what's happened? I've left Richard.
And the party's off.
Oh, Audrey, that's wonderful news! I wouldn't bother up there, Emmeridge.
Mrs DeVere won't be coming in to dinner.
Oh, had a bit of a row, have we? Emmeridge! It's none of your business.
Please yourself.
A bit in the doghouse, are we? She knows you're Farmer Tom and she's left you, is that it? Left me? Lord, no.
She's just gone for bit of a walk to let it sink in.
Oh.
Well, there's nothing unusual in that.
So she's left before? Not exactly, but she's threatened tohundreds of times.
The first time was early on when I refused to let Bertie into the house.
Sorry, Bertie? Her blessed dog.
And there was another close shave a few weeks back when she caught me watching Big Brother.
Sin indeed.
So where's she gone? Marjory's probably.
And if not, Marjory will know where she is.
So you just have to ask Marjory.
Well, it's not that easy.
Audrey would know that's what I'd do and swear Marjory to secrecy.
From me, but not necessarily from you.
Me? You want me to go and ask? Well, not now.
Tomorrow.
Pretend you don't know quite what's happened and use your manly charms to worm something out of her.
I don't believe it.
Shall I book you into a hotel? An hotel? I couldn't possibly.
Can you see me wrestling with those ghastly little pots of marmalade? No, I'm sorry, Marjory.
There's only one thing for it.
Here? I'm sorry, but if it's too much trouble No, of course not.
You can have my bedroom.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
I'll sleep in Brabinger's old room.
But there isn't a bed in there.
The woodworm got to it and I had to chuck it out.
Oh.
Well, I'll sleep down here without the badger, preferably.
Oh, of course.
He sleeps under the stairs where it's warm and dark.
I'm sorry to impose, Marjory.
It's justI need to be alone.
Good night, Bentley.
Oh, Bentley.
No, you're a lovely dog, but, no, get off.
Oh, Bentley.
Bentley, I can get all that at home.
Ah, my nightcap.
It's not for me to say, sir, but No, it's not, Emmeridge.
.
.
but are you sure about this? Would I have asked if I weren't? Now, come on, give, give.
But you know what Mrs DeVere is like about this in the house at all, let alone the bedroom.
Yes, I do, but she's not here, is she? No, but she'll sniff it out, and it'll be more than my job's worth.
Stop wittering and give me a light.
I'm not going to sit here and suck on it.
On your head be it.
Yes.
And the rest.
That'll be all.
I'll put the local fire brigade on standby, sir.
TV: The housemates are in the living room There you go.
Good boy, Bentley.
Come on, Bentley, off.
There's a good boy.
Morning.
Oh, morning.
So how did you sleep? Oh, very well, thank you.
For five minutes here and there.
Bentley wasn't a nuisance, was he? No, no, no.
He was company.
I haven't shared a room with a dog since Bertie.
I didn't realise how much I miss him.
You could have got another dog.
Why? I had Richard.
But Richard isn't a dog.
Well, that's debatable now, isn't it? No, he just didn't agree with dogs in the house.
What time is breakfast served? Served? Nobody gets served here.
I do it myself.
Oh, well, just a croissant and a cup of Earl Grey would be lovely.
Ooh, we've got visitors! Oh, my gosh, it's Adam! Come to see where I am, I suppose.
Richard can't even do his own dirty work - he has to send his errand boy.
Now you haven't seen me, all right? And just get rid of him.
Adam! What a lovely surprise.
Marjory.
I was just passing, thought it would be nice to continue our little chat about the party.
Oh, the party.
Well, actually there is no subject I'd rather talk about.
Good, only my aunt seems to have popped out, so it might be our only chance.
Oh.
Well, aren't you going to invite me in? No.
Is this a bad moment? You're not hiding a boyfriend upstairs, are you? No, no.
It's just that Good.
Oh! Oh, you're coming in.
I see you're coming in! This is all very homely.
It isn't much, but it does for one.
Just two up and two down, but just one of me, of course.
All alone.
Nobody else here.
You always lived here on your own? Not in this house, but I've lived on the estate for, oh, 40 years now.
So you were born here, then? Oh, heavens, no! I'm a bit older than that.
Well, just a very little bit.
But always on your own.
I mean, you've never married or anything? No, nobody ever asked so far.
What a waste.
I mean, you're a very attractive woman.
Oh, gosh.
It seems I got it a bit wrong this time.
I knew she'd stamp her foot and throw a tantrum, and at worst do her old "I'm leaving" routine, only this time, she's actually done it, Mother.
Took off, just like that.
Sowhat would you advise? I meanto get her back without having to you know crawl? You're a woman.
Give me a clue.
Talk to me.
MOBILE RINGS Yes? Rock festival? No, that's the Pennington-Booth estate.
Not here.
So? Oh, I see.
Yes, good idea, Mother.
That sort of thing certainly worked in the old days and it might well again.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mother.
Well, she's only my aunt by marriage.
Her first husband, Martin, was my dad's brother.
I'm the only nephew, lots of nieces, various godchildren - Amanda, Ruchenda, Fiona, Beatrice, Eugenie How very interesting.
Oh, here's me wittering on.
Well, I mustn't take up any more of your valuable time.
Oh, you're leaving.
Don't want my aunt coming back and catching us chatting, do we? No, we don't.
You don't happen to know where she's gone, do you? No, I haven't seen her.
Why? Just wondering.
No, Bentley, no! Come away.
He does that sometimes.
Why, what've you got in there? Oh, just some old things and a badger.
A badger? Come away, Bentley.
He gets very vicious when he's disturbed.
Oh, no, you don't.
'You stay right where you are.
' A talking badger? 'Don't you dare.
' Don't you point those nasty sharp claws at me.
Get back in your box, do you hear? Stay, stay.
What on earth can she be doing in there? Audrey! 'Get back!' Sit! Sit! Oh, Adam.
How lovely to see you.
Just looking after Marjory's badger.
I think it's important we cherish our wildlife, don't you? Anyone for lacrosse? So, playing silly games already, is she? Well, we can all do that.
At least you know where she is.
You can go and talk to her.
What for? To patch things up, persuade her back.
Certainly not.
She walked out on me.
It's up to her to come and persuade me to have her back.
That's the way it works, and if living with Marjory doesn't force the issue, nothing will.
Do you fancy a drink? Bit early for me.
Me too, but who's to stop us, eh? Two whiskies, please, Emmeridge.
While the cat's away I know it's not for me to say, sir, but if you ask me I didn't.
Very good, sir.
I suppose when you were here on your own, this place must have seen some action - wild parties and stuff.
Well, one or two in the early days.
But I had my mother living with me then.
And then Audrey was living over there in the Lodge, watching my every move.
Like a hawk.
Watching.
Probably what she's doing now.
Audrey, you put your dirty dishes in the washing machine.
It was really no trouble.
He's out on the terrace having a drink with Adam.
He never drinks at this time of day.
Are you going to spend all your time spying on him like this? Of course.
I'm not able to trust him any more, am I? I don't know what he's going to get up to next, not now my back's turned.
I expect everything will carry on as normal.
That's just it.
It has no right to carry on as normal.
I'm not there.
Well, go back then.
What? Me go to him? Certainly not.
He's got to come to me, begging forgiveness.
I can't see that happening.
Oh, it will, in time.
I'll see to that.
Meanwhile, this is rather fun.
Deja vu.
I haven't done this for years.
So what are you going to do? Sit it out and see what he does next.
This is a war of nerves, and I'm not going to be the one who blinks first.
How exciting! For how long? As long as it takes, Marjory.
As long as it takes.
And if I put a foot wrong, she'd come charging over here to kick up a rumpus.
I can imagine.
So if I put a foot, a very big foot, wrong now, if it's to do with her beloved Manor, she'll be back here like a shot.
I wonder if he knows you're watching him? Oh, he knows all right.
Mr Pennington-Booth? Oh, Archie, it's Richard DeVere here.
Yes, if that's what you'd prefer to call me.
Well, I could try, but only if my osteopath were present.
Look, I think there's a way we can sort things out before your next assassination attempt.
Well, how about lunch here at the Manor? Say, one o'clock tomorrow? Oh, good.
Goodbye.
Well, this is certainly going to knock spots off the village fete, but will she fall for it? I swear iton my mother's grave.
Actually it was her idea.
Lunch.
Oh, thank you.
What's this? Shepherd's pie.
No, these carrots are straight.
They're not the wibbly-wobbly ones.
Well, They're the only ones I could get at the supermarket.
Et tu, Marjory? I feel betrayed.
You're worse than Richard.
I'm sorry, but I don't really like the wibbly-wobbly ones.
Don't you see? It's people like you who've been putting poor Archie Pennington-Booth out of business.
Thank you, Emmeridge.
So, Archie Mr Pennington-Booth I've been talking to our marketing people and I can tell you that the Farmer Tom Company will be happy to sponsor your rock festival.
Really? And hold it on both of our estates.
Yours and mine.
Well, you've bowled me a bit of a googlie here.
Well, It's just what we need to liven the place up a bit.
Something to put us on the map, eh? I know it's not for me to say, sir, but So save your breath, Emmeridge.
But what will Audrey have to say about this? She'll hit the roof, won't she? Yes.
(With any luck.
) We can discuss the details over lunch.
Lunch! Here's to two old rockers.
Lunch? Oh.
Yes.
.
.
Emmeridge! I can rely on you to make sure my wife gets to hear about my sponsorship, can't I? No doubt you'll make it worth my while.
Oh, yes, because I've got another little proposal to put to you.
Ah, Emmeridge.
Lunch? Ah.
Yes, sir, I was just trying to knock something together, sir.
What do you mean "knock something together"? Only nothing was said to me about lunch.
Why does anything have to be said about lunch? There's always lunch.
But Mrs DeVere has given no instructions.
Does the whole confounded system have to break down just because Mrs DeVere is not here? But she always instructs us as to lunch just after breakfast, and then reminds us again at about 11, and then changes her mind at about 12.
Be that as it may, surely one of the women must have cooked something? Well, no, sir, there are no staff.
They've all disappeared.
Disappeared? Where to, for heaven's sake? As if anyone is likely to tell me! Oh, that's right, Ella.
If it's brown, polish it.
Especially if it's supposed to be silver.
Oh, erm, Mrs Armitage.
Would you mind? Audrey, they're moving everything around.
It's no trouble.
It's the very least I can do by way of a thank-you for letting me stay here.
But it's MY house.
And the pleasure is entirely mine.
It's only a spring clean, after all, even if it is a bit late in the year.
If you want do something, you can PHONE RINGS .
.
answer the telephone.
Come on, Bentley.
Good boy.
Come on, Bentley.
Give it a good wash.
Now, that is right, ladies, but we haven't finished till every nook and cranny is sparkling No, not there.
And don't put anything back until I've decided where it should go.
Yes, I'll tell her.
Who was that? Archie Pennington-Booth.
I'm to tell you his rock festival now has commercial sponsorship.
Really? From whom? The Farmer Tom company.
The? You mean Richard? Yes, and he says he's allowing it to spread over onto this estate.
I see.
There's only one answer to that.
Ladies, when you've finished here, how would you like to take a holiday? Fully paid of course, and, erm, until further notice.
Emmeridge! Emmeridge! Ah, Emmeridge, excellent.
My compliments to the blacksmith.
Emmeridge, what the hell is going on in this house? I am a butler, sir.
I am trying to do the best I can under the circumstances.
Why's none of my laundry been done? I haven't got a single clean shirt to wear this morning.
I am not a cook, sir.
I'm not asking you to cook them.
I am not a laundry maid, or a scullery maid, or a skivvy.
Well, where is the laundry woman? In Bognor, sir, still on holiday.
Bognor? Well, I want her back herenow.
And all the others.
As if I haven't tried to recall them on your behalf, sir, but they will only take orders from Mrs DeVere.
Dear God! No clean shirts, the place is a tip, and the food is inedible.
You got us into this, you get us out of it.
Are you talking to me? Yes, you.
Watch your lip, Emmeridge.
No.
I know it's not for me to say, sir, but I'll say what it isn't for me to say.
This house cannot function without Mrs DeVere.
Unless you recall her by this weekend, I'm going to hand in my notice.
Oh, and what makes you think I can wait until then? You're fired as of now so you can get out.
As you wish, sir .
.
just as soon as I have my notice confirmed in writing by my employer Mrs DeVere, sir.
LAUGHTER What are you sniggering at? Well, you've got to admit, he's not wrong.
What am I supposed to do? Call in a United Nations Peacekeeping Force? Audrey's so much better at this than I am.
I wish I'd never told her now.
If you're so clever, YOU sort it out, if you can come up with some bright idea.
I already have.
As a matter of fact, it's your idea.
".
.
and such a rock festival will attract a huge influx of unwashed, undesirable elements "causing health risks to our ,community the long-term consequences of which would be unimaginable" Audrey, you can't ask the Licensing Committee to imagine something that's unimaginable.
Now you're splitting hairs and it's splitting ears we should be worrying about.
You know the kind of deafening music young people like.
No, nor do you.
I didn't, but the other night I switched on a programme about the Arctic Monkeys only to find that David Attenborough was nowhere to be seen.
You don't know anything about young people either.
Of course I do.
I'm a magistrate - they're up before me in court all the time.
Not on their own ground.
You've never been to a rock concert or a disco club or a rave or anything.
Oh.
Thank you, Emmeridge.
You have a point.
Maybe in the name of research we should go to one then.
We? Yes, that club in Marlbury.
We'll go undercover and mingle with the crowds.
What'll we wear? Oh, well, I suppose if there's dancing involved we should be thinking long.
DANCE MUSIC POUNDS It was a good idea to bring these drinks.
We don't want to look conspicuous, do we? Dance? Dance!? There are limits.
I think I've seen enough bare midriffs for one night.
Let's go.
Oh, that's better, except it's given me an awful headache.
Hold this, would you? What are you looking for? A paracetamol.
Can I have one? I've got a headache too.
Of course.
Water.
Well, I think we've had all the first-hand experience we need.
Let's go home.
Oh, no, you don't.
Would you two pill-popping drag queens mind coming with us? TV: The housemates are in the dining room, having supper.
Lucky housemates.
Oh, gosh, look at the time.
Well, it's hardly worth going to bed now, is it? You wanted to be fresh for the Licensing Committee hearing this morning.
Honestly! Searches, blood tests, samples.
Who did they think we were? Olympic athletes? And we had to queue for the privilege.
Well, I suppose at that time of night it was rush hour in the police station.
So it may be, but surely that child-policewoman could distinguish between us from that rabble of drunken, drug-crazed trollops.
I didn't think women spoke that kind of language.
I was most embarrassed.
Well, they did provoke me.
Marjory, what is ecstasy anyway? I don't know, but I bet it beats Wine Gums.
So, with the guarantee of good management which comes with the sponsorship of a company that has promoted successful and orderly events of this kind in the past, we submit our application for the Licensing Committee's approval.
Thank you, Mr Pennington-Booth.
Well, as you say, with all that backing, and there being no police objection, I see no grounds why your application should be refused, so Just a minute.
Yes, Mrs DeVere? I am not in favour.
I am very much against.
Well, how can you be when it's your estate which is not only staging the event, but is sponsoring it as well? That's not me.
That's my husband.
Mrs DeVere, this is a Licensing Committee, not a Domestic Court.
Perhaps we should hear from Mr DeVere himself? What? I insist I be heard! Mary I mean, Madame Chairman I have first-hand personal experience of these events, as the local constabulary is aware.
Please, Mrs DeVere.
Sit down.
This may only be a Licensing Committee, but I can hold you in contempt of court.
The cheek.
Just look at the state of him.
Now, Mr DeVere, you are sponsoring this event, I believe? No, I'm not.
NOT sponsoring it.
No.
That is to say I WAS, but I've been thinking about it overnight and I've come here to say that I've changed my mind.
Does this mean you are now opposed to it? Completely.
I agree totally with whatever my wife said.
Could I ask why you've changed your mind? Let's just say it's a question of priorities.
Some things are, perhaps, more important.
His laundry, a clean house and regular meals.
Me! In that case, back to square one, then.
Licensing application refused.
Well, really! What rubbish! There he goes.
He'll find his family and soon be back in his natural habitat.
It should be me back in my natural habitat.
This is not the way I intended spending my silver wedding anniversary.
Well, you missed your chance, didn't you? I can't understand why you didn't make up straight after the Licensing hearing.
Because he's still Farmer Tom.
Besides which, he went straight back home thinking I'd fall for his pathetic cry for help and follow meekly along.
He's got to come to me.
And plead? Richard? Oh, come on! He will, and I thought today would be the day.
Maybe he's given you up as a bad job.
Never.
He needs me.
You could see he's gone to pieces.
And you need to be back at the Manor.
True, but it isn't the Manor I miss.
It's him.
And to be honest, I don't think I can keep this up much longer.
Oh, that makes two of us.
Marjory, do you think I'm being silly? Yes.
Maybe.
If he doesn't come tonight, I'll He may be an arrogant, manipulative hypocrite, but, well he's MY arrogant, manipulative hypocrite.
I mean, it's been a good marriage, and let's face it, I can't be the easiest person to live with.
Could be said.
And marrying me took him so far away from his roots and the world of big business and to bury himself in the depths of the country can't have been easy for him.
You've made sacrifices for him too.
Have I? Mmm.
What? Not having a dog in the house.
Even so, here we are, on our 25th wedding anniversary, still apart and both miserable.
What's that noise? Music of some kind.
Oh, my Lord! What now? He's having a party.
I can see that.
It's OUR anniversary and he's having a high old time with other people.
Look, there are call girls in the porch.
And they're all over him.
So much for his little show of contrition! What a sham that was, and to think I nearly fell for it.
Police.
No, I will not hold - this IS an emergency.
A riot appears to have broken out at Grantleigh Manor.
What? Well, do something about it, that's what.
Oh, what's the use? They're probably too busy strip-searching every middle-aged lady with a headache.
Come on.
What are you going to do? What any self-respecting wife would do when she's caught her husband at it - I'm going to break it up myself.
Well, shouldn't you change first? BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS The crudites are on the sideboard.
Right, thank you, everybody, thank you.
First of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming and for keeping it such a big secret from you-know-who.
Right, now, you all know why you're here and what you have to do, so when the time comes, I want you all out of sight, upstairs, in the bedrooms, anywhere.
Feel free.
Upstairs in the bedrooms? And for what purpose, pray? Oh, no.
Oh, dear, that's blown it.
It certainly has, and just in time too.
What have you got to say for yourself? Happy anniversary.
Yes, OUR anniversary and what are you doing? Living it up with all these .
.
Amanda? Fiona? Ruchenda? What are all my godchildren doing here? And Archie? And? What is going on? ALL: Happy anniversary, Audrey! You mean .
.
Marjory, do you know something about this? This is your anniversary party.
A surprise party.
Would you all excuse us just for a moment, please? Richard, you are quite impossible.
This is so embarrassing.
Surprise parties are meant to be.
And you walked right into my little trap.
But I'm not even correctly dressed.
The correct dress for a surprise party is whatever you were surprised in.
How did you get my friends here when they know you're Farmer Tom? I'm not any more.
I've sold all my shares and we've all decided to go into an independent Farmers' Co-operative together.
UmI had to bribe them, but anything to get you back.
Darling, is there nothing you won't stoop to for me? Not much.
Forgive me.
You are an impossible man, but, as I said, there is nothing you could do I couldn't forgive.
Come on, you'd better talk to your guests.
And we've got another little surprise for you.
Oh, your anniversary present.
Oh, how sweet! How divine! Bertie the second.
And he'll be allowed into the house.
And so will you, darling.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, darling.
SIREN WAILS RICHARD LAUGHS