Trollied (2011) s04e01 Episode Script

Valco! Serves you right! I've prepared something I'm not saying that! Can she just stop that now? Do I need to look at the camera? Offers on everything from booze to biscuits! Red-hot deals.
Loads of two-for-ones! Don't forget the Valco tick! That way? Tick.
And I'm not doing that tick thing either! Am I getting paid for this? Valco! Serves you right! Valco, serves you right! Oh, it was so funny.
And they were all yellow! Yes, I-I-I've seen it before.
Oh, and one of the little ones, he had a skateboard.
Oh, I don't normally like new things but I wish you'd have seen it.
Uh-huh? The Simpsons has actually been around for some time.
My Alan was in tears.
He's been on the phone to everybody since last night.
"You've got to watch it!", he's telling them.
"You've got to watch it!" Like I say, it's been on television since 19 Really? "D'oh!" I'd like to say, er, what I say to all Valco new recruits.
Erm, there'll be tough times ahead.
Times when you want to cry.
There'll be times when you just want to jack it all in and go home.
What if we're already come to that time? But if you pull through, and put in your all, this job can be the most rewarding job you will ever have.
Now, who's with me? Have you heard the news? Load of new starters.
We're talking about fresh meat.
Really? Yeah.
All those girls.
Scared, vulnerable, confused.
They're like, "What is going on?" They need someone, right, to help them out.
Guaranteed to get your leg over, mate.
Oh, my Alan's having a lot of trouble getting his leg over at the minute.
He strains away for ages, gets all red-faced.
I keep saying to him, "Get a smaller bike!" Oh! Oh! Thank goodness.
So, you think I might have a chance with these new starters? It's guaranteed, mate.
This could be my lucky day.
Ouch! Ah-huh.
Ah, I appear to have cut my finger quite badly.
Ooh! It's empty.
'So there you have it.
' Now you know everything there is to know about working at Valco.
Would you like any Pop Tarts to go with your shopping, madam? Yes, please.
I'd like two from the top and four from the bottom.
Also, I'd like one of these books.
They really are amazing.
Great stuff there, Carol.
You have certainly helped me understand a few conundrums! Less of the jokes, Gavin.
I've got your "number".
So that brings to an end, er, your Valco training video.
To use a sailing analogy - are you with me, shipmates? Let's serve them right! So, there we have it, er, slightly dated but, er, I think you get the message.
Stop it.
I can't help it.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Something in our throats.
So, um, any questions? Yes, er Rose, is it? What's your question? That awful man in the video made me feel really sick.
W-well t-that was me.
And I can tell you, I won't be going in for any of that "serves you right" rubbish.
So, what's next? Do you have a prescription to pick up? No, just my shopping.
On your way.
Gavin.
Gavin.
Gavin! Brian! What is it? I'm run off my feet.
Have you thought any more about my assistant? People keep trying to buy food here.
Well, just put it through the tills, Brian.
I'm a highly trained medic.
What does it say on the sign? Brian's Pharmacy, not Brian's Grocery shop.
It just says "Pharmacy".
Yes, I need to talk to you about that.
My name should be up there, but we can sort that once you've found my assistant.
Brian, I haven't got time to find you an assistant.
I need someone serious.
But not boring.
Sense of humour's vital in this game.
Tall, too.
Tall? There's a lot of reaching up in this job.
And they have to be intelligent.
I've got a lot of knowledge - someone who can keep up with my brain.
I'll just drop Stephen Fry a call, see if he fancies it.
A bit unlikely, Gavin, he's a very busy man.
Shame, though, he would be perfect.
Oh, what the hey - give him a ring, there's no harm in trying.
Brian, I'm going to need Margaret, just the ticket.
How do you fancy being Brian's assistant for the day? Ooh.
Great.
There you go.
I'll look into getting you a full-time assistant when I am less busy.
Happy? Good.
She's barely five foot.
Oh, how exciting.
I've always wanted to be a nurse.
Question.
What does a shoplifter look like? Why are you asking me? I haven't stolen anything.
N-no, I'm asking everyone.
But you were looking at me, singling out a little old lady.
Calling me a thief.
A drug addict! A shoplifter looks like you or me.
What would you do if a shoplifter looked exactly like you? Exactly like me? Well, then you're into doppelganger territory.
If they looked exactly like me, I'd get out of there.
But enough talk.
I'm going to show you how to stop an attacker.
I want one of you to come at me.
Don't be afraid, I am Aargh! That wasn't very good, was it? You didn't stop me at all.
- Shall we have another try? - No.
What do you reckon, Lise? If you were a new starter, look at him, would you go for this? I'd need a few drinks first.
Maybe I should try something else.
Lisa, what did you used to look for in a man when you were single? A pulse.
Yeah, she was a slapper.
Yeah, I was.
Don't laugh.
She was.
No, I was.
Oh! Here dey come.
Get yourself ready, mate, you're gonna be filling your boots by lunchtime.
Any lookers in there? Look-lookers?! Come on, Nev! You can't play at Wembley every day, mate.
No.
Be nice to get my boots on, though.
Oh, hello, ladies.
There's an older lady there too.
What do you think, Colin? Probably my upper ceiling, age-wise.
Still, you know what they say? The older the berry the sweeter the juice.
Shut up, Neville! What's up with you? Shut up! No way.
Cauliflower! Nana! What the fu Why are you here? I was starting today! Oh, yeah! I thought it would be good to get out of the house.
I miss my little soldier! I've been so lonely since you two moved out.
Now, where is he? Here.
Where's my little soldier? Little soldier reporting for duty.
Did you miss me and all? Oh, yeah.
It's very different without you there.
That smell's gone.
Turns out it wasn't the drains.
Oh, how many times? Tuck your shirt in! Not in front of everyone, Nana! Don't be a fussy bear, no-one's looking.
What do you mean no-ones looking? Now have you had a wee? Of course I! Of course, I have! Of course I've had a wee.
Right, come on, we've still got half the store to show you.
It could be jaundice.
Or liver problems, they both lead to yellow skin.
They didn't look ill.
You said they had yellow skin.
You tell this Mr Simpson to get checked out.
Are they local? No, I think he's American.
Are you married, Brian? Yep.
18 years.
Ooh, she's a lot younger than you.
No, no.
We've been married for 18 years.
She's a doctor.
Ooh! It's no big deal being a doctor.
It's a very important job! So's being a pharmacist.
I can save 300 lives a day at this counter.
A doctor saves - what - four, five tops then goes for a round of golf.
They're lazy.
Well, what about Dr Who? He doesn't seem lazy.
Time Lord, not a real doctor.
No, the best thing I ever did was fail medical school.
Otherwise I'd just be another lazy doctor like my wife.
Or my brother.
Or my other brother.
His kids.
My mum and dad.
Are all your family doc? Doctors.
Yes.
So, er, are you seeing anyone at the minute? I think I might be a bit old for ya.
It's all right.
I like a car with a few miles on the clock.
Cooee! Colin! Come on, come and sit with your nan.
OK! Sorry, Lisa, not really room.
Why don't you sit somewhere else? Yeah.
Fine there, thanks.
Bloody hell, Gavin, where's the fire? I'm stretched like a rubber band at the minute.
I'm even having to eat my lunch on the hop and I hate eating jacket potatoes on the hop.
When's, erm, Julie's replacement starting? Oh, you know, that-that's just the thing, really - I-I-I still really want to promote from within.
Are you sure that neither of you want to apply? Nah.
Not worth the hassle.
What about my Colin? That's a good one.
I needed that.
Can you imagine? It'd be a disaster! I don't see what's so funny, Gavin.
Oh, well, it's just that Quiet, Gavin, I haven't finished.
Oh, sorry.
No, wait a minute, I-I'm My Colin's a wonderful boy.
Yeah, wonderful, but I'm not management material, Nan.
You know, Gavin's right, I'd be a rubbish boss.
Don't listen to Gavin, he's a bloody fool! Er er, Rose, you are aware that I am your manager? Of course I am, silly Gavin.
You'd be perfect, little soldier.
Remember those two boys at school? Yeah.
You were very good when you were being their boss.
Nah.
That was bullying, though, wasn't it, Nan? I bullied them.
I got expelled.
Because you were so good at it.
Come on, Gavin, you said it yourself - you want to promote from within.
Colin is within.
I'm not.
Or are you going to go back on your word? It's not really that simple.
Because in my book, that would make you a LIAR! Are you a liar, Gavin? I only came in for a jacket potato.
There, what do you think, Dr Brian? Ooh, I'm sorry, Brian.
I keep forgetting you're not a doctor.
It's fine.
If it helps, you can call me Dr Brian.
I don't mind.
Okey cokey.
Dr Brian.
What's the circle thing? Oh, well, that's a pill.
I thought it'd be nice to add some pictures.
And the squiggle? Oh, I tried to draw a headache.
I don't know what they look like, though.
I do.
Have you got a purple pen? Why? You can't draw a headache without purple - medical fact.
Well bored.
Oh, me too.
Can we play rollercoaster? I've just sat down, Linda.
Aw, come on, mate.
All right.
Yes! You ready? Yep! So Chugga-chugga-chugga We're coming out, right? Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga-chugga We're going up, right! We're up! We're up! We're up! Yay! Argh! Whoo! There you go! Can we go again? Oh, for! This is mental, Gavin.
I'm not a management type.
Yes, it does seem a rather terrible idea, I must say.
Still, you must have some potential in you.
I don't think I do.
No.
Admittedly, it is a bit of a long shot.
Argh! How do you do these?! Can you not tie a tie? No.
All my court ones are clip-ons, innit? Right.
There you go! There.
Looking, er .
.
there.
Oh, Gavin, I look like a loser.
Why are we doing this? I actually don't know, Colin.
She's very persuasive, your nan.
And frightening.
Can I go on my break now? Why are you asking me? Er, you are management now, aren't you? Yeah.
I am.
And no.
Noooo! You get back to work now, young man.
No break for you! And don't eyeball me.
OK.
Oh Come on.
Come on.
There you go.
All right.
Go on.
Kiss him! I-I really don't want to.
It's an order.
Kiss him.
Kiss him! Oi, kid.
I'm gonna need Quick.
C'mon.
Aaaah.
50.
Is this I'm going to have to take 50.
Here's your beer, sir.
I demanded this five minutes ago, Neville.
Go and kiss the massive baker again.
Yes, sir.
Yep.
Oh! Oh NEVILLE! Colin? 'ello! I don't like working on the tills.
Er Do you want to work on here instead? But we work here.
Oooooh! Not any more! Scab.
Ah! Watch your language, missy.
I'm the boss now.
I could have you on a disciplinary.
Oh, yeah? You gonna tell me off then, boss man? Yeah, I am.
Cos if you step out of line one more time, I'm going to "come" down on you, like a tonne of bricks.
That's shame, cos I've been chewing gum at my till.
Isn't that against the rules? Yes, it is.
You're a naughty girl, Lisa.
I'll have to discipline you.
My office.
Now.
Oh! Ahoy, Captain Gavin.
Oh, aho Hello.
Have you seen Colin anywhere? No.
Sorry, Captain Gavin.
This is a customer services announcement from Rose - did anyone see last night's episode of Emmerdale? If so could they please come and tell me what happened.
Lamb of God! To the lady in the very short skirt.
Yes, you! Please, cover up a bit more! Nobody's going to buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free.
Rose, the Tannoy is for store business only.
Well, look at her! I can practically see her bread box.
Rose, what on Earth are you doing here anyway? Where's Linda and Sue? Colin told me I'd be better off here rather on those silly tills, so here I am.
It's exciting, isn't it? No.
Frankly, I-I-I don't know what on Earth Colin was thinking.
He's thinking like a manager.
Hmmm.
Well, I think it's about time perhaps Colin and I had a word.
Now, stay here for now, but no more Tannoy.
Did anyone see Emmerdale? Is somebody clapping? Howl at the moon! Gavin! Gavin, Gavin, Gavin! Look, sorry, Gavin.
Wasn't expecting ya.
Yeah, soz, Gav.
Ohhhh Does this mean I'm not going to be deputy manager any more? Yes, it absolutely does, Colin.
What was I thinking? My nan is not gonna be happy about this, man.
Yes, I think I'm going to have a little word with your nan and let her know who's boss.
Fair enough.
But Gavin, you go easy on her, otherwise I'll have to smack ya! Cos she's my nan.
Do you want your tie back? Absolutely not! Burn it! Ooop! How you doing? Bored.
How's your you know? My nads? Killing.
She really belted them.
Problem is, I can't see if there's any bruising or not.
You wouldn't have a look for me, would you? No.
No.
Fair enough.
It doesn't help being on my feet all day long.
I know! I bet you wish you had a wheelchair as well.
You don't know how lucky you are, sitting down all day.
I know, some of us have all the luck.
Yeah! Then Chas Dingle and James had a blazing row.
No? Did they? Then what happened? Well, then, just as Rose.
A word.
In a minute, Gavin.
Emmerdale.
My office! Now! Does it smell of drains in here? Now, Rose, what happened out there was complete But Gavin! No, you listen! I didn't say listen! Didn't you? I thought you did.
Sorry.
Er, where was I? Yes - now, look here, Rose! I am the manager of this supermarket.
You work for me! I know that, Gavin.
Now, I cannot have members of my staff going behind my back and undermining me.
Now, if you can't play by the rules, then I'm going to have to let you go.
Now d-d-d-do we understand each other? I'm sorry! I can't hear you?! I said! I'm just a useless, silly old woman! W-well, there's no need no need to cry, w-we all make mistakes.
You were quite right to fire me! I-I-I-I shouldn't have gone off all cock at you.
Oh, this temper of mine! I'm sorry I was so rude to you! Well, maybe I've been a bit of an ogre as well.
What's say you tomorrow we start again? Really? With you on the tills.
A clean slate.
Oh.
That sounds very acceptable.
Thank you very much, Gavin.
Isn't that better? Don't be so disgusting! You sex beast! What?! By the way, I'm gonna be two hours late tomorrow.
I'm going to an auction.
What's up? Oh, I just wanted to know what we do about returns.
Me and Sue usually sort them.
Why, what you got? My breath.
You took it away and I want it back.
Oh, God! It's definitely a cold sore.
Any idea how you got it? I did kiss big Jack from the bakery a few times.
Ooh.
Ah.
Neville.
That's a nasty looking cold sore, isn't it? Right, Brian, Margaret, how have you been getting along? Like a house! Wonderful.
Well I'm glad that you enjoyed your time here.
Now, Brian, I've thought about what you said and I have decided that maybe perhaps a permanent assistant wouldn't be such a bad idea and so this is Gregg.
All right? Gregg? Well, he's young.
But is he hungry? Er, I don't know.
Are you hungry, er, Gregg? A bit.
Well, let's see what you've got.
Someone comes up to you complaining of headaches and dizziness.
What do you do? Ask them if they've been on any medication.
Could be a side effect.
What if they've not? Then it's probably an ear infection, nothing too serious.
Good.
Then again, it could be viral, migraine, low blood sugar, stress Yes, of course.
Could be labyrinthitis.
Isn't he great? Gregg here is a medical student.
He's going to be a doctor.
Who knows, he may even be able to teach you a thing or two! I want Margaret.
Y-you what? She's perfect.
And anyway, I've trained her up now.
What about Gregg? He's wet behind the ears, Gavin, look at him.
I wouldn't trust him with my lunch, let alone my life.
No, Margaret's the woman for the job.
Well, as long as that's all right with you, Margaret? Nurse Margaret.
Fine.
Come on, Gregg.
I'll get you on tins.
Does that mean I can put my name on the sign? Go on, then.
Get that sign down! Get your ladder.
Linda, call me.
Come on, Gavin! You're supposed to be giving me a lift home! Blue hair? That doesn't sound healthy at all.
They're so funny.
"D'oh!"