Two and a Half Men s04e01 Episode Script
Working for Caligula
Previously on Two and a half Men I'm asking you to marry me.
Might as well just go to Vegas and hello.
If we're gonna have a family we'll need to turn the bedroom into a nursery.
But, but.
.
That's where Jake stays.
Yeah, but once Alan moves out, then Jake won't be staying here anymore, right? - Alan is moving out? - Of course he is Isn't he? I said the wedding's off.
Can I borrow your wedding ring? What for? I thought as long we are in Vegas I'd marry Kandy.
And I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.
I don't freaking believe it! Cheer up Charlie, you're finally getting what you always wanted, I'm moving out of your house! I don't freaking believe it! Do we have time to play roulette before we go? Oh honey, that is a sucker's game, the odds are totally stacked against you Ooooh Super Slots'o'Fun Jackpot! Sure Make the smart bet.
Here honey, kiss it before i put it in.
and the honeymoon begins Slots'o'Fun, get it? it's lots of fun! i'm ready for a refill.
Is that good? i won I won a half a million dollars! i don't freaking believe it Alan, you're rich! No we're rich! We're married now, what's mine is yours! Really? and the honeymoon ends Excuse me? You know where Charlie is? Who's Charlie? Charlie you're in here? He.
.
he, Alan! long time no see! Say hello to my brother Alan.
Hi Alan.
Hi Alan.
Humm I'm interrupting.
gee You think? Listen, i really need to talk to you, can you come downstairs? Sure! Give me an hour and a half.
An hour and a half? I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here.
Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Mary Well Mary's on the clock.
Boy, you had two momen in bed and you felt the need to call a professional? Better safe than sorry.
I see, well i guess i'll just wait downstairs.
Good call, 'cause you know, "five's a crowd".
OK, does everybody remember their assignment? think so Then let's do this thing.
Hour and a half on the dot! Can i plan or what? Hey, come on, show a little class So, how is the newly wed? 'been living the dream? - Well - I gotta tell you buddy, things haven't been the same down here since you left.
- That's nice but - Yeah they've been way better.
I mean look around, i don't even know these people.
And i can have sex in very room of the house now.
I had forgot how much fun you can have on top of a washing machine.
You know, obada, obada - That, that does sound like fun but - And the best part of all is, without Jake here, mom's has no reason to visit! Heck, i may not have to see her again until we meet in hell! - I'm really happy for you but - And to think of it, without Jake here, there is no reason for you to visit either.
I'm your brother! Yeah so, i'm your brother, i don't visit you! Charlie, listen to me, my wife threw me out! - Oh dude It's awful.
- Yeah Well, thanks for stopping by Aren't you listening to me? Kandy doesn't love me anymore, My marriage is over, my life is in ruins.
Oh What? Déjà vu.
It's as if i lived through this before, and didn't really enjoy it! - Charlie, I, I - But wait! There's a difference, This time, you can get your own place instead of sponging of me 'cause you got money now, right? - Huh, well - Ooooh you suck! It wasn't my fault! There were taxes, and the condo, and and Kandy's new car, and Kandy's new clothes, and the shoes, oh god so many shoes How much do you have left? Eleven dollars.
Ok, ok, let's start from the beginning Well, things were fine until about a month ago nono no no, i'll go back upstairs, you'll come knowk on my door again, and say you want to talk to me, only this time, i'll kill you! Come on! You're all i have left in this world, i need you Charlie! Anybody here know a Charlie? Oh Jeez I'm working for Caligula.
Hi Berta.
Hey Sippy! What are you doing here? My marriage is over, Kandy kicked me out.
Damn, that's horrible Yeah.
Damn, damn, damn! Tell me about it.
I had October in the poll.
Poll? What poll? Me, your brother, your mom, a couple of neighbors had a poll on how long before she dumped your ass.
I was so close! You were betting that my marriage was gonna fail? Noo, we were betting on when.
So Charlie took you back, huh? Well Not with open arms, or, an open heart, or Even an open door, after he pushed me out, i had to climb in through the window.
But yeah, i'm back.
Well, i'm glad.
You're kidding? No! With you and the kid around, i won't have to hose down the washing machine so often.
I'll get that.
I guess there's no trusting this butter now or the loose bananas Hello Alan.
Judith Hey dad.
Hey buddy.
So is somebody gonna explain to me what the heck is going on? I thought he should hear it from you.
Jake listen I know you liked Kandy very much, but she and i have decided that, we really can't stay married.
Oooh man! It doesn't mean that you can't be friends with her No, I had December! Alan, i just want to say i'm very sorry things didn't work out for you and Kandy Thanks You won the pool, didn't you? Yeah And just FYI, i spoke to my lawyer, and he said that even if Kandy takes you for everything you've got, you'll still have to pay me alemony, here's his bill.
huh 600 dollars!? He explained it very slowly.
You didn't call.
When dad moved out, you said you and me could still get together and do stuff.
But you never called.
Oh jeez Jake, i'm sorry.
I waited.
I'll make it up to you.
When? Later.
I'm still here.
What do you want me to do, Jake? I don't know, you really let me down, and it hurt my feelings.
I know, i feel awful.
Fifty bucks, and it goes away.
- Ten - Done Love you uncle Charlie.
Back at you.
How long is he gonna sit out there? I don't know Jake, he's pretty depressed.
Yeah, well that's the prize you pay when they take you their penis.
You hear that from your mother? No, your mother.
And how are you feeling about all this? I'm ok.
You're sure? Uncle Charlie, this is not my first divorce.
Got it.
Tell you one thing though, i'm never getting married.
That's a sweet dream to have, Jake.
Sooner or later, you're gonna meet a girl who's smart, beautiful and has a real grudge against her parents.
What are you gonna do then? Don't worry, i have a plan.
- Really? - Yeah, if a girl falls in love with me, i'll tell her i can't marry her until i have enough money, even though i'll be secretly rich.
How do you plan to get secretly rich? I'm gonna marry a movie star.
You're gonna marry a movie star, to avoid getting married? I didn't say i worked out all the bugs.
well, keep me posted.
Hey.
Jake sure changed in the last few months.
Starting to see a real little man here.
Not a little bright little man So what 'you doing? making plans Do they involve marrying a movie star? What? Nothing, nothing What's your plan? well, i figured i'd have a nice big lunch, get real drunk, throw down to the beach and try to swim to Japan Why the lunch? I want to cramp up and drown before the sharks rip me to shreds.
Well, keep me posted.
I'm a failure, Charlie.
Everything i've tried to do in my life has ended in complete, abject, failure.
Buddy, you're looking at this the wrong way See, i've failed again Will you shut up and listen to me? Failure is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a part of life, it's how we learn.
You know what? I've failed for almost forty years, and what have i learned? Oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question? Come on Alan, you've got to have a sense of humor about this A broke ass, middle-aged guy marries a 22 year-old knuckle-head just before he wins a half a million dollars.
And then she takes him for everything he's got? That's hilarious.
ok, maybe you're too close to it now, but trust me, it's funny! Where are you going? The ocean is that way! Hey, the kid and i are going to the movies, you want to come? No thanks Can i get something to eat? no Something to drink? no About a bottle of scotch and a hooker? i just want to be alone Well, you don't need my help for that, that's your home-run swing.
Just close the door on the way out.
Fine, i'll close it, then i'll nail it shut, plaster and over, and hang a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
Ok, i am through feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe not.
Alan? Oooh terrific.
Charlie told me about you and Kandy, i'm so sorry.
Yeah well, thanks.
Did he also tell you i want to be alone? Yes he did.
So want some company? No.
about a hug? Is it a goodbye hug? Alan, i know what it's like to lose at love.
Rose? Yes baby.
You're a stalker.
I prefer to be called "boundary challenged".
Just go away Go away Alan i'm a stalker.
Trust me, this pain will pass.
The aching emptiness that's swallowing up your heart will be transformed into something beautiful.
What's that? Resentment.
A burning white, hot resentment that empowers you to commit unspeakable actions.
You're gonna want a scrapbook.
- Dad? - Yeah? Uncle Charlie is gonna take me back to mum's now Oh, come in here and say goodbye.
bye.
That's it? Come here and give your old dad a hug.
That's better You're still depressed? Oh no no, i'm fine.
Just taking a little nap.
You've been napping for two days.
.
i'm getting old, Jake.
Old people nap a lot.
It's kind of a drive-run for death.
Ok Well, see you.
See ya' - Hey dad? - Yeah? Even though mum stopped loving you and Kandy stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Thanks pal.
You're my dad, i pretty much got to love you.
So? Is he still crawled up like a cocktail schrimp? Yep.
This was a real fun week-end.
Wait in the car Jake, and i'll be right there.
Ok, i am running out of patience with this guy, i've had relationships end and i don't go crawling into bed over it.
Yeah yeah yeah, you know what i mean.
It may not be just the relationship What are you talking about? Charlie, i've studied psychology for eight years and been a patient for twenty.
Your brother is exhibiting all the classic signs of clinical depression.
What are you saying, you think he might try to hurt himself? The important question is: do we stop him? Oh, like i'm the only one here thinking that? All right, i didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
What are you gonna do? Something i hoped i'd never have to.
You don't mean I'm afraid so.
Hello, mum? Oh God What plague have set up on me now? Alan It's mummy.
Good one.
Ooooh, my poor darling.
How are you holding up? How do you think? I blew another marriage, wasted all my money, i'm a complete and utter failure.
Ooh sweetie, you just can't see the big picture, can you? What big picture? Every foolish choice you've made, every wasted opportunity, every helpless mistep in your sad miss begotten life I know, i know It's an opportunity to learn and grow Well, perhaps, but more importantly, it's a reflection on me.
Always good to see you mum - I'm not finished.
- of course not.
There is a silver lining in this dark cloud I can't wait to hear about it You're all alone, you're pennyless, and you have no prospects Are we at the silver lining part yet? Yes, short of contracting a flesh-eating disease, things couldn't possibly get any worse.
You've hit rock bottom! You have nowhere to go but up! You know what?You're right.
You're self obsessed, insensitive and soul-sucking, but you're right.
I am staring at the abyss, and i'm still here.
I've had my heart shattered, and then shattered again, and i'm still here.
I've taken every piece of crap that life could throw at me, and i'm still here.
Well, we don't have to turn this into "an evening with Liza Minelli".
Now Get washed, get dressed, get on with your life.
OK And remember No matter what, i will always love you.
thanks Don't thank me, sweetheart, i'm your mother, i have to love you.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
No problem.
Sorry i had to send mum in there.
no no, you did the right thing, i needed a good slap in the face Although with mum, it's more like a nailgun to the testicules That was my thinking.
well hum i'm really grateful.
Don't mention it.
So Look at us huh? Just like old times.
Yep.
The Harper brothers, together again! The chicks will come and go, but you and I will always be there for each other.
Sure.
Forever.
Not litterally until the end of time, but you know, until one of us dies.
It will probably be you 'cause you don't take very good care of yourself.
Gotcha' Fist me.
You want me to fist you? You know, like the bros in the hood.
we're the bros, and this is our hood.
Pow! Right on.
Tell you what, i will grab us a couple of bruskies, so that Team Harper can kick back and chill Terrific.
Well, actually i'm more in a mood for Chardonnay, but i'll get you a beer.
ok Hum, maybe i'll make a nice little plate of cheese and crackers, nothing fancy.
Good.
uh, i don't suppose you have any brie? I don't know.
Not important, you relax.
I got you covered, pal!
Might as well just go to Vegas and hello.
If we're gonna have a family we'll need to turn the bedroom into a nursery.
But, but.
.
That's where Jake stays.
Yeah, but once Alan moves out, then Jake won't be staying here anymore, right? - Alan is moving out? - Of course he is Isn't he? I said the wedding's off.
Can I borrow your wedding ring? What for? I thought as long we are in Vegas I'd marry Kandy.
And I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.
I don't freaking believe it! Cheer up Charlie, you're finally getting what you always wanted, I'm moving out of your house! I don't freaking believe it! Do we have time to play roulette before we go? Oh honey, that is a sucker's game, the odds are totally stacked against you Ooooh Super Slots'o'Fun Jackpot! Sure Make the smart bet.
Here honey, kiss it before i put it in.
and the honeymoon begins Slots'o'Fun, get it? it's lots of fun! i'm ready for a refill.
Is that good? i won I won a half a million dollars! i don't freaking believe it Alan, you're rich! No we're rich! We're married now, what's mine is yours! Really? and the honeymoon ends Excuse me? You know where Charlie is? Who's Charlie? Charlie you're in here? He.
.
he, Alan! long time no see! Say hello to my brother Alan.
Hi Alan.
Hi Alan.
Humm I'm interrupting.
gee You think? Listen, i really need to talk to you, can you come downstairs? Sure! Give me an hour and a half.
An hour and a half? I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here.
Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Mary Well Mary's on the clock.
Boy, you had two momen in bed and you felt the need to call a professional? Better safe than sorry.
I see, well i guess i'll just wait downstairs.
Good call, 'cause you know, "five's a crowd".
OK, does everybody remember their assignment? think so Then let's do this thing.
Hour and a half on the dot! Can i plan or what? Hey, come on, show a little class So, how is the newly wed? 'been living the dream? - Well - I gotta tell you buddy, things haven't been the same down here since you left.
- That's nice but - Yeah they've been way better.
I mean look around, i don't even know these people.
And i can have sex in very room of the house now.
I had forgot how much fun you can have on top of a washing machine.
You know, obada, obada - That, that does sound like fun but - And the best part of all is, without Jake here, mom's has no reason to visit! Heck, i may not have to see her again until we meet in hell! - I'm really happy for you but - And to think of it, without Jake here, there is no reason for you to visit either.
I'm your brother! Yeah so, i'm your brother, i don't visit you! Charlie, listen to me, my wife threw me out! - Oh dude It's awful.
- Yeah Well, thanks for stopping by Aren't you listening to me? Kandy doesn't love me anymore, My marriage is over, my life is in ruins.
Oh What? Déjà vu.
It's as if i lived through this before, and didn't really enjoy it! - Charlie, I, I - But wait! There's a difference, This time, you can get your own place instead of sponging of me 'cause you got money now, right? - Huh, well - Ooooh you suck! It wasn't my fault! There were taxes, and the condo, and and Kandy's new car, and Kandy's new clothes, and the shoes, oh god so many shoes How much do you have left? Eleven dollars.
Ok, ok, let's start from the beginning Well, things were fine until about a month ago nono no no, i'll go back upstairs, you'll come knowk on my door again, and say you want to talk to me, only this time, i'll kill you! Come on! You're all i have left in this world, i need you Charlie! Anybody here know a Charlie? Oh Jeez I'm working for Caligula.
Hi Berta.
Hey Sippy! What are you doing here? My marriage is over, Kandy kicked me out.
Damn, that's horrible Yeah.
Damn, damn, damn! Tell me about it.
I had October in the poll.
Poll? What poll? Me, your brother, your mom, a couple of neighbors had a poll on how long before she dumped your ass.
I was so close! You were betting that my marriage was gonna fail? Noo, we were betting on when.
So Charlie took you back, huh? Well Not with open arms, or, an open heart, or Even an open door, after he pushed me out, i had to climb in through the window.
But yeah, i'm back.
Well, i'm glad.
You're kidding? No! With you and the kid around, i won't have to hose down the washing machine so often.
I'll get that.
I guess there's no trusting this butter now or the loose bananas Hello Alan.
Judith Hey dad.
Hey buddy.
So is somebody gonna explain to me what the heck is going on? I thought he should hear it from you.
Jake listen I know you liked Kandy very much, but she and i have decided that, we really can't stay married.
Oooh man! It doesn't mean that you can't be friends with her No, I had December! Alan, i just want to say i'm very sorry things didn't work out for you and Kandy Thanks You won the pool, didn't you? Yeah And just FYI, i spoke to my lawyer, and he said that even if Kandy takes you for everything you've got, you'll still have to pay me alemony, here's his bill.
huh 600 dollars!? He explained it very slowly.
You didn't call.
When dad moved out, you said you and me could still get together and do stuff.
But you never called.
Oh jeez Jake, i'm sorry.
I waited.
I'll make it up to you.
When? Later.
I'm still here.
What do you want me to do, Jake? I don't know, you really let me down, and it hurt my feelings.
I know, i feel awful.
Fifty bucks, and it goes away.
- Ten - Done Love you uncle Charlie.
Back at you.
How long is he gonna sit out there? I don't know Jake, he's pretty depressed.
Yeah, well that's the prize you pay when they take you their penis.
You hear that from your mother? No, your mother.
And how are you feeling about all this? I'm ok.
You're sure? Uncle Charlie, this is not my first divorce.
Got it.
Tell you one thing though, i'm never getting married.
That's a sweet dream to have, Jake.
Sooner or later, you're gonna meet a girl who's smart, beautiful and has a real grudge against her parents.
What are you gonna do then? Don't worry, i have a plan.
- Really? - Yeah, if a girl falls in love with me, i'll tell her i can't marry her until i have enough money, even though i'll be secretly rich.
How do you plan to get secretly rich? I'm gonna marry a movie star.
You're gonna marry a movie star, to avoid getting married? I didn't say i worked out all the bugs.
well, keep me posted.
Hey.
Jake sure changed in the last few months.
Starting to see a real little man here.
Not a little bright little man So what 'you doing? making plans Do they involve marrying a movie star? What? Nothing, nothing What's your plan? well, i figured i'd have a nice big lunch, get real drunk, throw down to the beach and try to swim to Japan Why the lunch? I want to cramp up and drown before the sharks rip me to shreds.
Well, keep me posted.
I'm a failure, Charlie.
Everything i've tried to do in my life has ended in complete, abject, failure.
Buddy, you're looking at this the wrong way See, i've failed again Will you shut up and listen to me? Failure is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a part of life, it's how we learn.
You know what? I've failed for almost forty years, and what have i learned? Oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question? Come on Alan, you've got to have a sense of humor about this A broke ass, middle-aged guy marries a 22 year-old knuckle-head just before he wins a half a million dollars.
And then she takes him for everything he's got? That's hilarious.
ok, maybe you're too close to it now, but trust me, it's funny! Where are you going? The ocean is that way! Hey, the kid and i are going to the movies, you want to come? No thanks Can i get something to eat? no Something to drink? no About a bottle of scotch and a hooker? i just want to be alone Well, you don't need my help for that, that's your home-run swing.
Just close the door on the way out.
Fine, i'll close it, then i'll nail it shut, plaster and over, and hang a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
Ok, i am through feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe not.
Alan? Oooh terrific.
Charlie told me about you and Kandy, i'm so sorry.
Yeah well, thanks.
Did he also tell you i want to be alone? Yes he did.
So want some company? No.
about a hug? Is it a goodbye hug? Alan, i know what it's like to lose at love.
Rose? Yes baby.
You're a stalker.
I prefer to be called "boundary challenged".
Just go away Go away Alan i'm a stalker.
Trust me, this pain will pass.
The aching emptiness that's swallowing up your heart will be transformed into something beautiful.
What's that? Resentment.
A burning white, hot resentment that empowers you to commit unspeakable actions.
You're gonna want a scrapbook.
- Dad? - Yeah? Uncle Charlie is gonna take me back to mum's now Oh, come in here and say goodbye.
bye.
That's it? Come here and give your old dad a hug.
That's better You're still depressed? Oh no no, i'm fine.
Just taking a little nap.
You've been napping for two days.
.
i'm getting old, Jake.
Old people nap a lot.
It's kind of a drive-run for death.
Ok Well, see you.
See ya' - Hey dad? - Yeah? Even though mum stopped loving you and Kandy stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Thanks pal.
You're my dad, i pretty much got to love you.
So? Is he still crawled up like a cocktail schrimp? Yep.
This was a real fun week-end.
Wait in the car Jake, and i'll be right there.
Ok, i am running out of patience with this guy, i've had relationships end and i don't go crawling into bed over it.
Yeah yeah yeah, you know what i mean.
It may not be just the relationship What are you talking about? Charlie, i've studied psychology for eight years and been a patient for twenty.
Your brother is exhibiting all the classic signs of clinical depression.
What are you saying, you think he might try to hurt himself? The important question is: do we stop him? Oh, like i'm the only one here thinking that? All right, i didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
What are you gonna do? Something i hoped i'd never have to.
You don't mean I'm afraid so.
Hello, mum? Oh God What plague have set up on me now? Alan It's mummy.
Good one.
Ooooh, my poor darling.
How are you holding up? How do you think? I blew another marriage, wasted all my money, i'm a complete and utter failure.
Ooh sweetie, you just can't see the big picture, can you? What big picture? Every foolish choice you've made, every wasted opportunity, every helpless mistep in your sad miss begotten life I know, i know It's an opportunity to learn and grow Well, perhaps, but more importantly, it's a reflection on me.
Always good to see you mum - I'm not finished.
- of course not.
There is a silver lining in this dark cloud I can't wait to hear about it You're all alone, you're pennyless, and you have no prospects Are we at the silver lining part yet? Yes, short of contracting a flesh-eating disease, things couldn't possibly get any worse.
You've hit rock bottom! You have nowhere to go but up! You know what?You're right.
You're self obsessed, insensitive and soul-sucking, but you're right.
I am staring at the abyss, and i'm still here.
I've had my heart shattered, and then shattered again, and i'm still here.
I've taken every piece of crap that life could throw at me, and i'm still here.
Well, we don't have to turn this into "an evening with Liza Minelli".
Now Get washed, get dressed, get on with your life.
OK And remember No matter what, i will always love you.
thanks Don't thank me, sweetheart, i'm your mother, i have to love you.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
No problem.
Sorry i had to send mum in there.
no no, you did the right thing, i needed a good slap in the face Although with mum, it's more like a nailgun to the testicules That was my thinking.
well hum i'm really grateful.
Don't mention it.
So Look at us huh? Just like old times.
Yep.
The Harper brothers, together again! The chicks will come and go, but you and I will always be there for each other.
Sure.
Forever.
Not litterally until the end of time, but you know, until one of us dies.
It will probably be you 'cause you don't take very good care of yourself.
Gotcha' Fist me.
You want me to fist you? You know, like the bros in the hood.
we're the bros, and this is our hood.
Pow! Right on.
Tell you what, i will grab us a couple of bruskies, so that Team Harper can kick back and chill Terrific.
Well, actually i'm more in a mood for Chardonnay, but i'll get you a beer.
ok Hum, maybe i'll make a nice little plate of cheese and crackers, nothing fancy.
Good.
uh, i don't suppose you have any brie? I don't know.
Not important, you relax.
I got you covered, pal!