Two Doors Down (2016) s04e01 Episode Script
Anniversary
1 Well, can you no' just do without it for one night? He needs his phone, Eric.
It'll only take me five minutes to nip back and get my charger.
Oh, for God's sake.
What time is the table booked for? Not till half past.
Oh.
This programme contains strong language.
You'd be as well to just come in, actually - I've just realised I don't have my wee adapter thing for the car with me.
I'll need to plug it in inside for five minutes.
Oh, bloody hell! Did we not leave the lamp on? Eric, did you not leave the hall lamp on? I don't know.
Normally, we leave the lamp on ALL: Surprise! SQUEALING Happy anniversary, Mum.
Happy anniversary, Beth.
Dear God, I nearly jumped out of my bloody skin there.
Congratulations, squire.
Happy anniversary, Mr Baird.
I don't know what to say.
This is lovely.
At last! Beth, where's your kitchen roll? MUSIC PLAYS You're a wee swine.
I thought you'd twig in the car.
I was like, ah, he knows, he knows something is going on.
See your face when you walked in.
I know, what was it like? I didn't know what was happening for a minute.
Aye, see cos you're older and quite heavy, I thought you might take an actual stroke.
You really didn't need to go to all this trouble, Gordon.
Ian said you'd say that.
Just look at all this.
That reminds me, I got you a little present as well.
Oh, you didn't need to bother.
30 years being married to Mr Baird! We had to give you something.
Aye, a cyanide capsule.
All right, Michelle? I didn't realise it was a dressy-up affair! I just thought, seeing it was a special occasion.
Oh, give us a twirl.
Go on.
Have you got any pants on? Top up, Mr Baird? Go on.
Hasn't he done well, arranging all this? Aye, tremendous.
It's no trouble.
I wanted to.
He got us all in here while Ian was lying to you in his car.
Listen, I appreciate you going to all this bother, I really do.
So do I, Eric.
I'll just give you a little kiss to say well done, Gordon.
That's nice.
OK, everyone, listen up.
Shh, shh, shush, shush! I'd just like to say a massive thank you for coming to celebrate my mum and dad's 30th wedding anniversary.
CHEERING Now, he didn't want to make a big fuss or have a big do or anything, but we just felt we ought to do something at least to mark the occasion.
Aye, let's get really pissed! So, if you join me in wishing congratulations to my mum for putting up with my dad for all these years.
Oh, ha-ha(!) And congratulations to dad for punching so far above his weight.
LAUGHTER To Mum and Dad! Woohoo, Eric and Beth! Beth and Eric! Mr and Mrs Baird! Oh, I should just say For fuck's sake.
Erm, I should just say as well, thank you to Gordon.
He has worked his socks off.
I couldn't have arranged any of it if it wasn't for him.
Well done, Gordon.
Another one from me, honey.
Just another one.
Right, Ian.
Let's get this trifle dished oot and into the bowls.
In a bit, Christine, we haven't had any of the sandwiches or anything yet.
Wait till you taste this, Michelle.
Did you make it, did you? I did.
Well, I didn't know what to get them for a present and I thought about a voucher or maybe a wee bit of porcelain.
But then I went into my cupboard and saw the four tins of fruit cocktail and I thought, "Fuck it, trifle it is.
" So, this time 30 years ago, eh? Aye.
So how did the two of you meet? It was at a party actually.
Aye.
At my pal Davie's house.
Davie who? Love at first sight was it, Eric? It was for me.
Aw.
We were actually set up.
Who by? Jeremy Beadle? How did you two meet? How did you end up with Alan, Michelle, you must get asked that a lot? We've actually been going out together since we were at school.
Have you? That's great.
You been together since you were at school?! Yes.
Ian and me are coming up for eight months in three weeks' time.
What, you've never been anywhere else except him? No.
Aw, that's nice.
I did pump one other lassie before we started going out but it's just been her since then.
Anyway, listen, there's tonnes of food so feel free to dig in and help yourself.
Yes, let's get tore into this trifle.
It's home-made, none of your shop-bought pish.
Yes, Christine.
We'll get round to it.
Aye, all right, son, but don't take too long, cos technically that cream needs to be used before midnight.
Isn't this lovely? Aye, it's a good spread, Beth.
There was tempura prawns as well, but unfortunately they were finished before you got here.
Oh.
Alan! Whit? Did you try the wee baby quiches? There's none left.
Aye, they were very popular too.
You managing? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
It's going all right, isn't it? Is your mum enjoying it? Yeah! She's put a picture of the buffet up on Facebook already.
That's nice.
Aye.
Everybody all right for a drink? Eh, Cathy wants one.
All right, where's the glass.
No, don't bother with that, just give us the bottle.
Colin and me celebrate our wedding anniversary every single year, don't we, Colin? We do, yeah.
It's important to us.
How long have you been married for, Cathy? Eight years.
Nine.
Nine.
I've had my van nine year.
So, when can we be expecting the sound of wedding bells for you two then? I think that's a while off yet, Colin.
Keeping your options open, are you, Michelle? No, no, we just want to wait until the time is right.
Aye, once we've had the floors done and she's had the all clear in the IBS.
You want to see what she has to send away in thae wee tubs, by the way.
You're engaged though, yeah? Well, not officially, no.
Are you not, Michelle? No.
Not yet.
Here, Alan, see when I proposed to Cathy, what was it like? Remember that, Cathy? It was unbelievable, Michelle.
It was night-time.
We were on the balcony of this beautiful five-star hotel, overlooking the sea with the lights and the stars.
It was It was amazing.
Where was that? Venice.
It was Crete.
Crete.
Have you had enough to eat? Plenty, there's so much lovely stuff.
There's trifle, Beth.
Right.
Ian, come on.
Let's get that trifle fired into thae bowls.
Awright, OK.
Hang on.
Aren't we going to do the thing now? Oh, shit, right! Christine, we'll do the trifle in a minute.
Oh, for God's sake.
Everybody, everybody, listen up.
Listen up, everyone.
We've got a wee surprise that we've organised.
ALL: Woo! Is it a gay stripper? We've organised a Mr and Mrs quiz.
Oh, yay! What is that? We have got a quiz for you and Mum about your married life.
Oh, question one, how has she stuck it for so long? This'll be interesting, Eric, see how well you been paying attention over the years, eh? I'd be shite at it.
I couldn't even tell you the size of her feet.
They look like a four.
You should've told me we were going to do this.
It wouldn't have been a surprise then, would it? Come on, you lot, take a seat.
Oh! # Mr and Mrs # Remember that one, Christine? Oh, aye.
# Be nice to each other Mr and Mrs What was it? Friends and lovers That's it.
# Dee dee dee Dee dee, dee, dee, da-ra dee.
I never watched it.
OK, everybody, ready? No.
Come on! Yeah.
Yay! CHEERING Quiet, everyone.
Quiet everyone.
Shut up, Michelle.
So, we've got some questions.
We're going to test your knowledge about how well you two know each other because you are ALL: Mr and Mrs! OK, so you take that, Mrs Baird.
And when we ask you the question, you have to write down your answer in secret and then when Mr Baird gives us his answer, we see if what you've written down matches.
Right.
Alan, are you bored? I am bored.
So, first question.
What is Mr Baird's favourite food? Christ, she's gonna need a bigger pad.
I'd say Uh! Write it down.
Write it down, Beth, stupid! OK, ready? OK, so we asked you Mr Baird's favourite food was and it is Steak.
Yes, Eric, big beefy steak.
And you said CHEERING One point to you, Mrs Baird.
OK, Mr Baird.
This one's for you.
Here you are, Eric, take that.
Pass the Pass the pad.
You've got to pass the pad.
What is the first thing Mrs Baird does in the morning? She goes for a poo! Write poo, Eric.
Or you could just draw one.
I can draw them, I can.
Aw different wans.
Wee pointy wans.
Big logs Let him think.
Are you ready? Nearly, hang on.
Hang on.
Yeah.
OK, Mrs Baird, the first thing that you do in the morning when you wake up is Have a cup of tea.
CHEERING That's close enough, give him that.
Yeah! OK, next question.
To Mrs Baird.
There you go, Beth.
Pass the pad! Go on, pass the pad What is Mr Baird most afraid of, what is his biggest fear? ALL: Ooooh! Gosh, let me think.
Erm Snakes.
Aye, could be.
Or mibbe, mibbe, something happening to Ian.
Yes! Like Ian dying.
Oh, that's good, Ian dying.
Because of a snake.
Aye, a mamba.
They chase you.
Or he could drown.
He could get bitten by a snake and then drown.
Aye, aye That's good.
OK, ready, Mrs Baird? Mr Baird, what are you most scared of? Well, I was going to say seeing Christine in her nightie.
But no, it's snakes.
Yes! Snakes.
Oh, yay! Ssssssss.
That's my mum got two and my dad's got one.
OK, Eric.
OK.
If she wasn't married to you, what famous person would Mrs Baird like to be married to? I'd be Dermot O'Leary.
Dermot O'Leary, Michelle, I'd fucking shag his brains out.
Eric Eric.
Paul Hollywood.
The blue eyes and the wee bits of flour on his hands, eh? Let's see what you put, Dad.
There you are.
George Clooney.
Well, yes, he'd do if I had to choose but I'm very happy with what I've got, thank you.
Aw! So sweet.
OK, well, another point to Mr Baird.
Here you go, Beth.
Next question.
Hang on, hang on, how many more have you got? A few.
Maybe another 20.
Jesus! Maybe just one more then? Yeah, one more and that'll do us.
OK, then.
Erm, not that one.
Erm, not that one Favourite yoghurt? No.
I've got one.
Can I do one? Aye, go on, Michelle.
Let Michelle ask one.
Yeah, go on, Michelle.
OK.
What is the best thing about being married? Phew Keep it clean, Beth.
Don't write sex, Beth, don't make us think about that.
Ready? Nearly.
Right, Dad, what did Mum say was the best thing about being married? Erm It's hard to say.
I mean Does she do your washing, Eric? It's good to get your washing done.
Aye, eh I think the best thing about being married is probably, well, it's just seeing each other every day.
Spending time together.
Aw! Aw! Come here, you.
All right? Would you like to get married, Gordon? Aye, they can now.
They're allowed, aren't they? Oh, my God, a gay wedding, I'd love that! Get married, Gordon! What actually happens at a gay wedding? Well, it's just the same.
The same? How is it the same? Well, it just is.
It's just two people doing their vows.
Aye, but vowing what, though? That it's no' just a phase? Well, I think it's great they can dae that now.
I mean, they've had years of people shouting at them, and creeping about in toilets.
I mean, you cannae begrudge them a wee party.
I couldnae have it off in a bog! Men's toilets fucking stink.
Gordon, if Ian asked you to marry him, what would you say? Cathy! Just interested.
Cathy, I don't think Would you say yes? Just ignore her, Gordon.
I bet you would! I bet he would, Ian.
I bet you wish you'd asked Jaz now, don't you? Just ask Gordon instead.
For God's sake! Oh, Jaz, he was the one I liked.
Aye, I liked Jaz.
Who's Jaz? He was the one before Gordon.
Jaz is short for Er Well, he was Asian.
Come on! Do you ever hear from him, Ian? No! Gordon, just ignore it.
Would you, Gordon, if Ian said to you, "Gordon, would you marry me?", what would you say? Cathy, you can't put somebody on the spot like that.
Shut up, Michelle, it's got nothing to do with you! It's got nothing to do with you, either.
Excuse me, Eric, Gordon and I are actually very close.
All his stuff about bulimia at university.
WHISPERS: I'm the only one that knows about that.
Come on! If Ian said, "Gordon, will you marry me?", what would you say? Well Well I suppose I suppose I'd say yes.
Would you? Ian, he's up for it! Ian, would you like to marry Gordon? Cathy, I'm not doing this.
Ian! Cathy, no! You wouldn't? No, I'm not saying that So you're saying you would? No! What ARE you saying? Would you or would you not like to marry Gordon? I don't know! You got any other games, Gordon? Was it actually 30 years ago today, was it? Tomorrow.
So this time 30 years ago, you'd have been where? At my mum and dad's with my sister, getting ready.
And what about you, Eric? Where were you, eh? Oot on the randan? Oh, my best man and I just went for a curry.
Oh, that'd be nice for your wedding night, him lying next to you with the big curry farts.
That must have been lovely, Beth, with your family.
Were you trying on the dress and all that? Yes, yes, and my mum had actually made the veil herself.
I'd love to see pictures of your dress.
Go and get your wedding album, Beth.
Are you OK, Alan, honey? Are you needing another drink? Er, aye, on you go.
Gordon, are you all right to get Alan a drink? Or are you feeling a bit? No! I'm fine.
Right, drinks! Who wants what? I'll give you a hand.
No! Right, beer for Alan, and I'll bring another bottle of bubbly through, too.
Let's all get really drunk! WHISPERS: Michelle.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
Look, I didn't mean when Cathy asked me about getting married that I wasn't sure because I wasn't sure about YOU.
Don't worry about it.
She just sprung it on me.
It's fine, honestly, it's OK.
Let's just get on with the drinking.
So that's the church.
Oh, yeah! Was it the one beside the exhaust place you got married in, Beth? Yes, it was, Colin.
You can swap places with me, Christine.
I'm not interested.
Right, Beth.
Budge up.
That's it.
Right, let's get a look, Beth.
That's us outside.
Get her to show you the one where her dress gets caught in the car door, that's a good one.
That's us going in.
Oh, my God, you look lovely! Your hair's quite flat there, Beth.
Did you not want to give it a bit of height for your special day? The dress is amazing.
She looked lovely.
See when she walked in and I saw her? Oh That's us cutting the cake.
Oh, is that you having your first dance? It is, yeah.
What was your first dance to? Amore.
That's right, Amore.
Oh, I love that.
When the moon Yeah, we know how it goes.
I'll tell you what was really amazing, though.
It was the dance that me and Colin did at our wedding.
Oh, what was it like, Col? Aye, it was a bit special, aye.
That was amazing, Michelle.
Oh, right.
We got married in the Dominican Republic, Alan.
Did yous, aye? Yep.
Punta de Er It was Thomson's platinum, Alan.
We had the ceremony on the beach.
Wow.
But we had to move into the pool area for the reception, because the drug dealers use the beach at night.
So who were your bridesmaids? Did they let your friends fly over for it, then, did they? Well, a few, not as many as we'd liked.
See, it was quite near Christmas, and folk were watching their pennies, you know.
When was it? First week in May.
But it was fine, because there was a lot of folk there wanting to wish us well.
There was a big crowd from Doncaster, wasn't there? Couple from Belgium.
Heavy, heavy smokers.
Spoke a bit of English.
And the wee guy that hosed the plants, he stuck his head in with a card.
But see when we got up to do the dance? Oh, my God, Michelle In fact, shall we show them a bit of it? Oh, I don't know.
I mean What? What do you reckon? Ian, would you like to see a bit of it? No.
Yes! Come on.
Let's get that iPod on.
No, Cathy.
Just wait, wait, wait.
Cathy, no.
Shut up, Michelle.
MUSIC: Move Closer, by Phyllis Nelson Get oot the way! Do you remember it, Col? Oh, aye.
# Hey, baby # You go your way # And I'll go mine # But in the meantime # When we're together Touching each other Oh, for God's sake! # And our bodies # Do what we feel When we're dancing Fuck me.
All the staff had come out the kitchen by this point.
Aye.
A lot of them had their cameras out.
Oh, for goodness' sake! The Doncaster mob, they were really egging her on, you know.
MUSIC STOPS We were just getting to the good bit! Sorry, is there a problem, Michelle? I think we've all seen enough, Cathy.
What? Well, this is Beth and Eric's night, isn't it? HE SIGHS So, your dress was absolutely beautiful, Beth.
Thank you, Michelle.
Did you buy it, or? Yes, yes, I bought it.
Still got it.
Have you? Yeah.
Cath chucked hers, didn't you? You chucked it? Well, I was going to keep it, but we were up to 24kg with all the cigarettes, so I dumped it at the airport.
I'd love to see your dress, Beth.
It's upstairs in the wardrobe.
Is it? Somewhere.
Away and get it, Beth.
Bring it doon.
On you go, Beth.
So, the old wedding dress, eh? Been a while since you've seen that, eh? Aye, it is indeed.
Is it the old traditional white, is it? Aye.
Aye.
That's what women like, isn't it? Aye.
Is that what Cathy had? Aye, hers was white.
Well, it was at the start of the night! See on your wedding night? Had you and Beth? Had you ever? Had you lain with her before? What? Were you familiar with each other's bodies? Well .
.
aye.
Really? Aye.
See my first wife? She'd never done it.
Really? Aye.
But Cathy had? Oh, aye, Cathy had, but OK, here we are.
Oh! See, she's like me, Michelle.
Throws nothing away.
I've got an old Puma tracksuit that I keep to wear for when I've got an upset stomach.
Oh, wow! I've not seen this for a while.
You're not that interested in weddings, really, are you? Hold it up, let's see it properly.
Aye.
You scrubbed up all right.
Can I see it? Oh, Beth, put it on.
No! Come on, put it on, give us all a laugh.
She'll never get into it, Cath.
Well, yes, it might be a bit on the tight side.
Never mind, put it back in the bag and chuck it in the cupboard.
Oh, it's beautifully made.
It's the kind of thing I'd go for.
Quite simple.
Why don't you put it on, then? Sorry? You try it on, you'll fit into it.
No, it's Beth's dress, it's a personal thing.
Och, it's just a dress, Michelle.
It's no as if you're trying on a swimsuit and you've got to check the hygiene strip.
Is it because you've got no pants on, Michelle? No! How come you've no got knickers on? I do have knickers on! Just go into the wee toilet there, no-one will see.
Aye, go into the wee loo.
Let's see it on you.
Come on.
You can if you want.
Come on! Really? OK.
THEY CHEER Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I am definitely ready for a bit of this trifle.
Colin? Good idea.
Alan? Aye.
Eric? No need to ask.
Boys? Well Oh, yeah, good idea.
Let's do trifle.
Let's all have a bowl of lovely fucking trifle.
Is he OK? There's sherry in it, Alan.
Vintage sherry.
Aye? Aye.
I had to use a pair of pliers to get the lid off.
Here we are! Trifle in there.
Trifle in there! Trifle in there.
Oh, bit on the table.
Who gives a shit? Gordon, would you like a hand there? No, no, it's fine.
Here you are.
Here you go.
For you.
Not for me, thanks.
Gordon.
Yes? Any spoons? Spoons? Do you really need a spoon? Unless I'm gonnae stick my head in the bowl and snort it through my fucking nose, aye.
What do you think? Oh, Michelle! Oh, come in, let's have a proper look at you.
It actually fits me.
It's a bit tight, no? You look lovely, pet.
Aye, that quite suits you, Michelle.
Oh, aye, that's good, aye.
Do you think? Aye.
You'd better watch, Michelle.
You'll have him down on one knee before you know it.
LAUGHTER Alan, Alan What? You could propose to Michelle! Cathy Go on! For God's sake, Cathy.
Put your trifle down and ask her to marry you! No, no, no, look Down on the rug! Come on Alan, Alan, wedding, wedding.
No, Alan, look, we're not doing this right now.
Alan, Alan, she wants you to, really.
I don't! Alan, Come on.
On one knee.
Alan, please don't do this.
Down on one knee! Alan, not like this.
There's the beautiful bride.
Alan One, two, three Will you marry me? Yes, but Hurray! Oh! Where are you going? I'm taking this fucking thing off, and then we're going home.
Michelle! Michelle! Trifle.
Where is it? Aha! MUSIC: Let's Get Married, by The Proclaimers Oh, Gordon! Would anybody like to dance? No takers? Never mind! Yeah, Gordy! SHE LAUGHS Oh, look! Gordon! Naughty! Whoo! Yeah! This is off.
Work it.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
SHE SIGHS # Let's get married C'mon darlin', please take my hand # C'mon darlin', please take my hand C'mon darlin', please take my hand.
It'll only take me five minutes to nip back and get my charger.
Oh, for God's sake.
What time is the table booked for? Not till half past.
Oh.
This programme contains strong language.
You'd be as well to just come in, actually - I've just realised I don't have my wee adapter thing for the car with me.
I'll need to plug it in inside for five minutes.
Oh, bloody hell! Did we not leave the lamp on? Eric, did you not leave the hall lamp on? I don't know.
Normally, we leave the lamp on ALL: Surprise! SQUEALING Happy anniversary, Mum.
Happy anniversary, Beth.
Dear God, I nearly jumped out of my bloody skin there.
Congratulations, squire.
Happy anniversary, Mr Baird.
I don't know what to say.
This is lovely.
At last! Beth, where's your kitchen roll? MUSIC PLAYS You're a wee swine.
I thought you'd twig in the car.
I was like, ah, he knows, he knows something is going on.
See your face when you walked in.
I know, what was it like? I didn't know what was happening for a minute.
Aye, see cos you're older and quite heavy, I thought you might take an actual stroke.
You really didn't need to go to all this trouble, Gordon.
Ian said you'd say that.
Just look at all this.
That reminds me, I got you a little present as well.
Oh, you didn't need to bother.
30 years being married to Mr Baird! We had to give you something.
Aye, a cyanide capsule.
All right, Michelle? I didn't realise it was a dressy-up affair! I just thought, seeing it was a special occasion.
Oh, give us a twirl.
Go on.
Have you got any pants on? Top up, Mr Baird? Go on.
Hasn't he done well, arranging all this? Aye, tremendous.
It's no trouble.
I wanted to.
He got us all in here while Ian was lying to you in his car.
Listen, I appreciate you going to all this bother, I really do.
So do I, Eric.
I'll just give you a little kiss to say well done, Gordon.
That's nice.
OK, everyone, listen up.
Shh, shh, shush, shush! I'd just like to say a massive thank you for coming to celebrate my mum and dad's 30th wedding anniversary.
CHEERING Now, he didn't want to make a big fuss or have a big do or anything, but we just felt we ought to do something at least to mark the occasion.
Aye, let's get really pissed! So, if you join me in wishing congratulations to my mum for putting up with my dad for all these years.
Oh, ha-ha(!) And congratulations to dad for punching so far above his weight.
LAUGHTER To Mum and Dad! Woohoo, Eric and Beth! Beth and Eric! Mr and Mrs Baird! Oh, I should just say For fuck's sake.
Erm, I should just say as well, thank you to Gordon.
He has worked his socks off.
I couldn't have arranged any of it if it wasn't for him.
Well done, Gordon.
Another one from me, honey.
Just another one.
Right, Ian.
Let's get this trifle dished oot and into the bowls.
In a bit, Christine, we haven't had any of the sandwiches or anything yet.
Wait till you taste this, Michelle.
Did you make it, did you? I did.
Well, I didn't know what to get them for a present and I thought about a voucher or maybe a wee bit of porcelain.
But then I went into my cupboard and saw the four tins of fruit cocktail and I thought, "Fuck it, trifle it is.
" So, this time 30 years ago, eh? Aye.
So how did the two of you meet? It was at a party actually.
Aye.
At my pal Davie's house.
Davie who? Love at first sight was it, Eric? It was for me.
Aw.
We were actually set up.
Who by? Jeremy Beadle? How did you two meet? How did you end up with Alan, Michelle, you must get asked that a lot? We've actually been going out together since we were at school.
Have you? That's great.
You been together since you were at school?! Yes.
Ian and me are coming up for eight months in three weeks' time.
What, you've never been anywhere else except him? No.
Aw, that's nice.
I did pump one other lassie before we started going out but it's just been her since then.
Anyway, listen, there's tonnes of food so feel free to dig in and help yourself.
Yes, let's get tore into this trifle.
It's home-made, none of your shop-bought pish.
Yes, Christine.
We'll get round to it.
Aye, all right, son, but don't take too long, cos technically that cream needs to be used before midnight.
Isn't this lovely? Aye, it's a good spread, Beth.
There was tempura prawns as well, but unfortunately they were finished before you got here.
Oh.
Alan! Whit? Did you try the wee baby quiches? There's none left.
Aye, they were very popular too.
You managing? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
It's going all right, isn't it? Is your mum enjoying it? Yeah! She's put a picture of the buffet up on Facebook already.
That's nice.
Aye.
Everybody all right for a drink? Eh, Cathy wants one.
All right, where's the glass.
No, don't bother with that, just give us the bottle.
Colin and me celebrate our wedding anniversary every single year, don't we, Colin? We do, yeah.
It's important to us.
How long have you been married for, Cathy? Eight years.
Nine.
Nine.
I've had my van nine year.
So, when can we be expecting the sound of wedding bells for you two then? I think that's a while off yet, Colin.
Keeping your options open, are you, Michelle? No, no, we just want to wait until the time is right.
Aye, once we've had the floors done and she's had the all clear in the IBS.
You want to see what she has to send away in thae wee tubs, by the way.
You're engaged though, yeah? Well, not officially, no.
Are you not, Michelle? No.
Not yet.
Here, Alan, see when I proposed to Cathy, what was it like? Remember that, Cathy? It was unbelievable, Michelle.
It was night-time.
We were on the balcony of this beautiful five-star hotel, overlooking the sea with the lights and the stars.
It was It was amazing.
Where was that? Venice.
It was Crete.
Crete.
Have you had enough to eat? Plenty, there's so much lovely stuff.
There's trifle, Beth.
Right.
Ian, come on.
Let's get that trifle fired into thae bowls.
Awright, OK.
Hang on.
Aren't we going to do the thing now? Oh, shit, right! Christine, we'll do the trifle in a minute.
Oh, for God's sake.
Everybody, everybody, listen up.
Listen up, everyone.
We've got a wee surprise that we've organised.
ALL: Woo! Is it a gay stripper? We've organised a Mr and Mrs quiz.
Oh, yay! What is that? We have got a quiz for you and Mum about your married life.
Oh, question one, how has she stuck it for so long? This'll be interesting, Eric, see how well you been paying attention over the years, eh? I'd be shite at it.
I couldn't even tell you the size of her feet.
They look like a four.
You should've told me we were going to do this.
It wouldn't have been a surprise then, would it? Come on, you lot, take a seat.
Oh! # Mr and Mrs # Remember that one, Christine? Oh, aye.
# Be nice to each other Mr and Mrs What was it? Friends and lovers That's it.
# Dee dee dee Dee dee, dee, dee, da-ra dee.
I never watched it.
OK, everybody, ready? No.
Come on! Yeah.
Yay! CHEERING Quiet, everyone.
Quiet everyone.
Shut up, Michelle.
So, we've got some questions.
We're going to test your knowledge about how well you two know each other because you are ALL: Mr and Mrs! OK, so you take that, Mrs Baird.
And when we ask you the question, you have to write down your answer in secret and then when Mr Baird gives us his answer, we see if what you've written down matches.
Right.
Alan, are you bored? I am bored.
So, first question.
What is Mr Baird's favourite food? Christ, she's gonna need a bigger pad.
I'd say Uh! Write it down.
Write it down, Beth, stupid! OK, ready? OK, so we asked you Mr Baird's favourite food was and it is Steak.
Yes, Eric, big beefy steak.
And you said CHEERING One point to you, Mrs Baird.
OK, Mr Baird.
This one's for you.
Here you are, Eric, take that.
Pass the Pass the pad.
You've got to pass the pad.
What is the first thing Mrs Baird does in the morning? She goes for a poo! Write poo, Eric.
Or you could just draw one.
I can draw them, I can.
Aw different wans.
Wee pointy wans.
Big logs Let him think.
Are you ready? Nearly, hang on.
Hang on.
Yeah.
OK, Mrs Baird, the first thing that you do in the morning when you wake up is Have a cup of tea.
CHEERING That's close enough, give him that.
Yeah! OK, next question.
To Mrs Baird.
There you go, Beth.
Pass the pad! Go on, pass the pad What is Mr Baird most afraid of, what is his biggest fear? ALL: Ooooh! Gosh, let me think.
Erm Snakes.
Aye, could be.
Or mibbe, mibbe, something happening to Ian.
Yes! Like Ian dying.
Oh, that's good, Ian dying.
Because of a snake.
Aye, a mamba.
They chase you.
Or he could drown.
He could get bitten by a snake and then drown.
Aye, aye That's good.
OK, ready, Mrs Baird? Mr Baird, what are you most scared of? Well, I was going to say seeing Christine in her nightie.
But no, it's snakes.
Yes! Snakes.
Oh, yay! Ssssssss.
That's my mum got two and my dad's got one.
OK, Eric.
OK.
If she wasn't married to you, what famous person would Mrs Baird like to be married to? I'd be Dermot O'Leary.
Dermot O'Leary, Michelle, I'd fucking shag his brains out.
Eric Eric.
Paul Hollywood.
The blue eyes and the wee bits of flour on his hands, eh? Let's see what you put, Dad.
There you are.
George Clooney.
Well, yes, he'd do if I had to choose but I'm very happy with what I've got, thank you.
Aw! So sweet.
OK, well, another point to Mr Baird.
Here you go, Beth.
Next question.
Hang on, hang on, how many more have you got? A few.
Maybe another 20.
Jesus! Maybe just one more then? Yeah, one more and that'll do us.
OK, then.
Erm, not that one.
Erm, not that one Favourite yoghurt? No.
I've got one.
Can I do one? Aye, go on, Michelle.
Let Michelle ask one.
Yeah, go on, Michelle.
OK.
What is the best thing about being married? Phew Keep it clean, Beth.
Don't write sex, Beth, don't make us think about that.
Ready? Nearly.
Right, Dad, what did Mum say was the best thing about being married? Erm It's hard to say.
I mean Does she do your washing, Eric? It's good to get your washing done.
Aye, eh I think the best thing about being married is probably, well, it's just seeing each other every day.
Spending time together.
Aw! Aw! Come here, you.
All right? Would you like to get married, Gordon? Aye, they can now.
They're allowed, aren't they? Oh, my God, a gay wedding, I'd love that! Get married, Gordon! What actually happens at a gay wedding? Well, it's just the same.
The same? How is it the same? Well, it just is.
It's just two people doing their vows.
Aye, but vowing what, though? That it's no' just a phase? Well, I think it's great they can dae that now.
I mean, they've had years of people shouting at them, and creeping about in toilets.
I mean, you cannae begrudge them a wee party.
I couldnae have it off in a bog! Men's toilets fucking stink.
Gordon, if Ian asked you to marry him, what would you say? Cathy! Just interested.
Cathy, I don't think Would you say yes? Just ignore her, Gordon.
I bet you would! I bet he would, Ian.
I bet you wish you'd asked Jaz now, don't you? Just ask Gordon instead.
For God's sake! Oh, Jaz, he was the one I liked.
Aye, I liked Jaz.
Who's Jaz? He was the one before Gordon.
Jaz is short for Er Well, he was Asian.
Come on! Do you ever hear from him, Ian? No! Gordon, just ignore it.
Would you, Gordon, if Ian said to you, "Gordon, would you marry me?", what would you say? Cathy, you can't put somebody on the spot like that.
Shut up, Michelle, it's got nothing to do with you! It's got nothing to do with you, either.
Excuse me, Eric, Gordon and I are actually very close.
All his stuff about bulimia at university.
WHISPERS: I'm the only one that knows about that.
Come on! If Ian said, "Gordon, will you marry me?", what would you say? Well Well I suppose I suppose I'd say yes.
Would you? Ian, he's up for it! Ian, would you like to marry Gordon? Cathy, I'm not doing this.
Ian! Cathy, no! You wouldn't? No, I'm not saying that So you're saying you would? No! What ARE you saying? Would you or would you not like to marry Gordon? I don't know! You got any other games, Gordon? Was it actually 30 years ago today, was it? Tomorrow.
So this time 30 years ago, you'd have been where? At my mum and dad's with my sister, getting ready.
And what about you, Eric? Where were you, eh? Oot on the randan? Oh, my best man and I just went for a curry.
Oh, that'd be nice for your wedding night, him lying next to you with the big curry farts.
That must have been lovely, Beth, with your family.
Were you trying on the dress and all that? Yes, yes, and my mum had actually made the veil herself.
I'd love to see pictures of your dress.
Go and get your wedding album, Beth.
Are you OK, Alan, honey? Are you needing another drink? Er, aye, on you go.
Gordon, are you all right to get Alan a drink? Or are you feeling a bit? No! I'm fine.
Right, drinks! Who wants what? I'll give you a hand.
No! Right, beer for Alan, and I'll bring another bottle of bubbly through, too.
Let's all get really drunk! WHISPERS: Michelle.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
Look, I didn't mean when Cathy asked me about getting married that I wasn't sure because I wasn't sure about YOU.
Don't worry about it.
She just sprung it on me.
It's fine, honestly, it's OK.
Let's just get on with the drinking.
So that's the church.
Oh, yeah! Was it the one beside the exhaust place you got married in, Beth? Yes, it was, Colin.
You can swap places with me, Christine.
I'm not interested.
Right, Beth.
Budge up.
That's it.
Right, let's get a look, Beth.
That's us outside.
Get her to show you the one where her dress gets caught in the car door, that's a good one.
That's us going in.
Oh, my God, you look lovely! Your hair's quite flat there, Beth.
Did you not want to give it a bit of height for your special day? The dress is amazing.
She looked lovely.
See when she walked in and I saw her? Oh That's us cutting the cake.
Oh, is that you having your first dance? It is, yeah.
What was your first dance to? Amore.
That's right, Amore.
Oh, I love that.
When the moon Yeah, we know how it goes.
I'll tell you what was really amazing, though.
It was the dance that me and Colin did at our wedding.
Oh, what was it like, Col? Aye, it was a bit special, aye.
That was amazing, Michelle.
Oh, right.
We got married in the Dominican Republic, Alan.
Did yous, aye? Yep.
Punta de Er It was Thomson's platinum, Alan.
We had the ceremony on the beach.
Wow.
But we had to move into the pool area for the reception, because the drug dealers use the beach at night.
So who were your bridesmaids? Did they let your friends fly over for it, then, did they? Well, a few, not as many as we'd liked.
See, it was quite near Christmas, and folk were watching their pennies, you know.
When was it? First week in May.
But it was fine, because there was a lot of folk there wanting to wish us well.
There was a big crowd from Doncaster, wasn't there? Couple from Belgium.
Heavy, heavy smokers.
Spoke a bit of English.
And the wee guy that hosed the plants, he stuck his head in with a card.
But see when we got up to do the dance? Oh, my God, Michelle In fact, shall we show them a bit of it? Oh, I don't know.
I mean What? What do you reckon? Ian, would you like to see a bit of it? No.
Yes! Come on.
Let's get that iPod on.
No, Cathy.
Just wait, wait, wait.
Cathy, no.
Shut up, Michelle.
MUSIC: Move Closer, by Phyllis Nelson Get oot the way! Do you remember it, Col? Oh, aye.
# Hey, baby # You go your way # And I'll go mine # But in the meantime # When we're together Touching each other Oh, for God's sake! # And our bodies # Do what we feel When we're dancing Fuck me.
All the staff had come out the kitchen by this point.
Aye.
A lot of them had their cameras out.
Oh, for goodness' sake! The Doncaster mob, they were really egging her on, you know.
MUSIC STOPS We were just getting to the good bit! Sorry, is there a problem, Michelle? I think we've all seen enough, Cathy.
What? Well, this is Beth and Eric's night, isn't it? HE SIGHS So, your dress was absolutely beautiful, Beth.
Thank you, Michelle.
Did you buy it, or? Yes, yes, I bought it.
Still got it.
Have you? Yeah.
Cath chucked hers, didn't you? You chucked it? Well, I was going to keep it, but we were up to 24kg with all the cigarettes, so I dumped it at the airport.
I'd love to see your dress, Beth.
It's upstairs in the wardrobe.
Is it? Somewhere.
Away and get it, Beth.
Bring it doon.
On you go, Beth.
So, the old wedding dress, eh? Been a while since you've seen that, eh? Aye, it is indeed.
Is it the old traditional white, is it? Aye.
Aye.
That's what women like, isn't it? Aye.
Is that what Cathy had? Aye, hers was white.
Well, it was at the start of the night! See on your wedding night? Had you and Beth? Had you ever? Had you lain with her before? What? Were you familiar with each other's bodies? Well .
.
aye.
Really? Aye.
See my first wife? She'd never done it.
Really? Aye.
But Cathy had? Oh, aye, Cathy had, but OK, here we are.
Oh! See, she's like me, Michelle.
Throws nothing away.
I've got an old Puma tracksuit that I keep to wear for when I've got an upset stomach.
Oh, wow! I've not seen this for a while.
You're not that interested in weddings, really, are you? Hold it up, let's see it properly.
Aye.
You scrubbed up all right.
Can I see it? Oh, Beth, put it on.
No! Come on, put it on, give us all a laugh.
She'll never get into it, Cath.
Well, yes, it might be a bit on the tight side.
Never mind, put it back in the bag and chuck it in the cupboard.
Oh, it's beautifully made.
It's the kind of thing I'd go for.
Quite simple.
Why don't you put it on, then? Sorry? You try it on, you'll fit into it.
No, it's Beth's dress, it's a personal thing.
Och, it's just a dress, Michelle.
It's no as if you're trying on a swimsuit and you've got to check the hygiene strip.
Is it because you've got no pants on, Michelle? No! How come you've no got knickers on? I do have knickers on! Just go into the wee toilet there, no-one will see.
Aye, go into the wee loo.
Let's see it on you.
Come on.
You can if you want.
Come on! Really? OK.
THEY CHEER Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I am definitely ready for a bit of this trifle.
Colin? Good idea.
Alan? Aye.
Eric? No need to ask.
Boys? Well Oh, yeah, good idea.
Let's do trifle.
Let's all have a bowl of lovely fucking trifle.
Is he OK? There's sherry in it, Alan.
Vintage sherry.
Aye? Aye.
I had to use a pair of pliers to get the lid off.
Here we are! Trifle in there.
Trifle in there! Trifle in there.
Oh, bit on the table.
Who gives a shit? Gordon, would you like a hand there? No, no, it's fine.
Here you are.
Here you go.
For you.
Not for me, thanks.
Gordon.
Yes? Any spoons? Spoons? Do you really need a spoon? Unless I'm gonnae stick my head in the bowl and snort it through my fucking nose, aye.
What do you think? Oh, Michelle! Oh, come in, let's have a proper look at you.
It actually fits me.
It's a bit tight, no? You look lovely, pet.
Aye, that quite suits you, Michelle.
Oh, aye, that's good, aye.
Do you think? Aye.
You'd better watch, Michelle.
You'll have him down on one knee before you know it.
LAUGHTER Alan, Alan What? You could propose to Michelle! Cathy Go on! For God's sake, Cathy.
Put your trifle down and ask her to marry you! No, no, no, look Down on the rug! Come on Alan, Alan, wedding, wedding.
No, Alan, look, we're not doing this right now.
Alan, Alan, she wants you to, really.
I don't! Alan, Come on.
On one knee.
Alan, please don't do this.
Down on one knee! Alan, not like this.
There's the beautiful bride.
Alan One, two, three Will you marry me? Yes, but Hurray! Oh! Where are you going? I'm taking this fucking thing off, and then we're going home.
Michelle! Michelle! Trifle.
Where is it? Aha! MUSIC: Let's Get Married, by The Proclaimers Oh, Gordon! Would anybody like to dance? No takers? Never mind! Yeah, Gordy! SHE LAUGHS Oh, look! Gordon! Naughty! Whoo! Yeah! This is off.
Work it.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
SHE SIGHS # Let's get married C'mon darlin', please take my hand # C'mon darlin', please take my hand C'mon darlin', please take my hand.