Veep s04e01 Episode Script

S04E01 Joint Session Mr.
Speaker, the President of the United States.
Thank you! We're making history.
We're the first woman president, right? Well, I am.
You're not, Michael.
I am.
Ow, you're hurting my hand.
Hi.
Oh, I see you.
Thank you.
Well, I'm getting jiggy with it.
I'm gonna get that Philip Roth book back to you.
I haven't forgotten about it.
God, I can't even hear myself.
Am I talking? It's hard for me to hear me.
Thank you, Mr.
Speaker, Mr.
Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans.
I'd like to begin today by saying a few words.
You know, some content would be nice in this speech.
This is just noise-shaped air.
I know, and she's reading it tomorrow out loud in front of an audience.
Hi, boss.
You're still juicing? - Yeah.
- Mike trying to be healthy.
It's like a potato trying to whistle.
Wendy and I made a deal.
If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good.
What did you think of the draft from last night? POTUS says the speech is too vague.
- I thought she wanted it vague.
- Hey there.
I guess we did too good a job.
So we still don't know what's going in her speech to the joint session.
I mean, what do we do? Google it like a best man speech? Relax, it'll come together.
It always has with every president I've been comm director for.
- How many is that? - This would be my second.
And actually, it didn't always come together with President Hughes.
We had many failures.
I guess I just got used to it.
Great pep talk, man.
Ma'am, Ben is getting Amy's direct mail plans for you to approve, then you meet the Attorney General re Chicago after you swear in Ann James as Housing Sec.
Yep.
You have five priority calls in a holding pattern, which can happen between Moldova and skin cancer.
Okay.
And then you have a potential 15-minute break.
All right, during which I can sleep and you can squeeze nutrient paste into my mouth.
Don't count on it, ma'am.
US warship on exercises just collided with a Greek fishing boat.
- Two fatalities, ma'am.
- Oh.
Yeah, we're looking at a big, fat Greek funeral.
I'll arrange for you to make a statement, ma'am.
Yeah, 'cause I'm the president, see? Everything's my fault now.
Hey, do I have time to talk to Jim and Dan and Mike? - Uh, no, you don't.
- I want to.
- Then you can.
- Right.
The opening's good the stuff about Hughes and FLOTUS, section A.
There isn't an A.
We're numbering the sections.
- We are? - We are.
We agreed on numbers.
So section A is now section one.
Harvard education right there.
Hey, who is that? Oh, I want to say Chloe or Ellie.
Ally.
No, Sally.
There are a million young women around here and they all look exactly the same to me.
You big lady racist.
Hey, guys, I had an idea.
Smells like Puerto Rico in here.
I'm juicing.
Oh, okay.
So how about this idea? How about if we take the cut section of the President Hughes draft and we put it together with the spendy section of my Families First draft, right? Plus with the breast-feeding business.
Yes, ma'am.
That's files Mike11A1 and Mike11A11.
- That's for my reference.
- Okay.
Ma'am, they still haven't found the three missing hikers.
- Cathy will keep you updated.
- Oh, thank you.
- Who is that? - Hey, who is Cathy? I've got to go.
All right, come on.
That was the actual President of the United States.
It never stops being cool.
- She calls me Mike.
- That is your name.
Obviously we're gonna need to talk about President Hughes.
You know, thanks a million, take it easy.
Let's just keep it short, though.
And then that's where we put in my vision for the future, okay? For now, just put a marker that just says "future whatever.
" It's just that I've got an intelligence briefing that I've got to get to, okay? Okay, you know what we should do is prioritize.
'Cause there's like the cutty and the spendy I agree.
- Oh.
- Suckas.
Hey, ma'am, I can't go in this intelligence briefing with you.
- Right.
- Is there anything that you need? I got those Dutch eyedrops you requested.
No, I don't need you, Gary.
Great.
Great.
I just thought I'd ask.
Here's your coffee.
- No.
- Okay.
Yeah, um, ma'am, have you given any thought to the vice president being at these meetings? Oh.
Wow.
You know, I mean, I wouldn't want him to have the shitty experience that I had as veep.
No.
Unfortunately, the precedent has been set for this meeting, so I wouldn't want to go change things - Not at this early stage.
- Exactly.
Right.
President needs the bag.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
- She only needs the bag.
Okay, it's not that simple.
Hey, hey, hey, easy.
You're holding it wrong.
You're holding it wrong.
Ladies be crying, pimps be dying.
It's Jonah Ryan.
Ah, I thought I heard a little girl's voice.
- I was right.
- Hello, sir.
Come with me.
This is a man hang now.
It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore.
And that was just Dan.
Hey, big guy.
How's it hanging? You know, pretty good.
Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon rock hard and covered in pussy juice.
You like that? I got a ton of them.
- You can ask me again.
- Hey, how's it hanging? - Like a fat meat fence post - Mr.
Ryan.
Oh, Mr.
Vice President.
Hello.
Thank you for asking me to stop by.
You know who won the war? I believe that we we did? No, not the grunts in the front.
It was the fellas behind the scenes.
- The intel gatherers, the code crackers.
- Ah, yeah.
I need you to be my West Wing wiretap.
I need you to spy for me.
- Yes, sir.
- Selina freezing you out, old-timer? Oh, absolutely.
Cycle of abuse continues.
Like the Catholic Church.
Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding.
Oh, boom.
Lean down, high five.
- All right.
- Yeah.
That's it, Jonah.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
Yeah, excuse me a second.
So, you hate me, right? - I'm sorry? - No, no, I'm kidding.
We're buds.
But I'm the vice president's chief of staff.
You know, you came to see him directly, I didn't know you were coming.
- So - Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to not I didn't mean to step out of line.
Oh, no, we're good.
We're friends forever.
- All right, okay, cool.
Thanks, Teddy.
- You're a good man, Jonah.
We need guys like you, because this game takes guts.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Right? And it takes balls.
Whoa.
You've got 'em, buddy.
Yeah, elevator's here.
Yeah.
The vice president likes you.
I like when he likes people.
So just text me before you come over.
I'll always let you in.
- Okay.
- It was great talking to you.
I don't want to be stuck with the Hughes plan.
Some dead guy's plan.
Well, he's not dead, ma'am.
No.
It's fun for me to say, though.
What are the numbers here in the latest polling on Families First, huh? Raising kids out of poverty and helping working moms? Yeah.
Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason.
But they only ever vote with their phones, usually for other poor young moms who can't sing.
All right, well, thank you for these numbers, guys.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, Madam President.
But, I mean, there has got to be a way to have the cuts and have the Families First bill.
What about the military? Would they go for more cuts, you think? Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb.
What? What did you say? A cock-thumb? - Yeah.
- What is that? Tell me, do not show me.
Well, we propose a radical cut to the military cutting off the cock the Joint Chiefs in turn propose their own more reasonable cut cutting off the thumb.
Commonly known as negotiating? Okay, well, let's cock-thumb.
I really don't care for that term.
- Madam President.
- Yeah? The Prime Minister of India has sent you this.
- Why? - I can't really work it out, but I'll put in a time for you to thank him.
No, I don't want that.
- No duck? - No.
It's a dead duck.
Madam President, there will be a way to do both of these things, cuts and spending.
I know, you can absolutely do two contradictory things at once.
For example, I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home.
And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.
Ma'am, this job will never be easy.
Man, don't I know it.
Oh, my God.
I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head.
You know that feeling? Yeah.
Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Hinckley just so he could get two weeks in bed? Yeah, I'd buy that.
All right, so we'll cock-thumb the Joint Chiefs.
What do you think they're gonna offer? I don't know.
Two, three billion.
You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield.
Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay.
- Get about 10 bucks for that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Louis, Pennsylvania numbers, I need them up to date and two days ago, so work it out.
I have the new figures on absentee ballots and early voting.
Great, take a chopper up and add it to the top of the pile on my desk.
Mr.
Cafferty wants to know our direct mail plans.
The president needs to make a decision.
Cuts or spending on the Families bill.
- Got it.
- Chicken and egg scenario.
Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate.
What's in the speech? Will the president cut the deficit or spend on families? Austerity or playgrounds? She's considering her options.
Or she doesn't have a clue.
We cannot afford to fall behind.
We're neck and neck with Chung.
And have you heard the Thornhill rumor? Of course I have, Amy.
I'm the White House Press Secretary.
But imagine I haven't.
He might quit.
Stop running against Selina for the nomination.
And my assistant tells me via cue card that Ericsson wants a meeting.
Thornhill quitting is good.
No, wait, you're no, no, it's good.
No.
If he folds, Chung gets his votes.
Candidate poker.
Well, don't blame me for this, Amy.
Don't shoot the messenger.
I just gave you the message.
You're being shot by the messenger.
Well, it's still not good.
There's still no content in this speech.
- It's like a diet soufflee.
- I know, I know.
Sue, does the president have any spare time this afternoon for an extra speechwriting meeting? Can mice levitate, Mike? Can they levitate and fire lasers out of their mouse eyes? No.
Well, then we've just asked each other equally ridiculous questions.
Hey, this bag was not returned to me in the condition I expected.
There was a lot of loose lids.
Do you know A lot of changes, huh, buddy? Yeah.
All right, so look, in terms of actual words I mean, most meetings I don't even have security clearance for.
Navy stewards bring her drinks in.
I barely see her.
You can just use the FLOTUS window.
Looks right down onto the Oval Office.
- You can? - Sure.
A lot of anxious First Ladies use it.
Okay, that's ignored, but thank you for your concern.
Mike, you can barely cope.
How are you finding the new setup? I'm actually kind of famous now.
Really? You sure about that? Yeah, I got recognized on the street today.
Guy had already met me and then forgot that he met me and then recognized me from TV and then remembered me again.
That's a great story, Mike.
Oh, hey, if any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here, you can just ask a West Wing vet, 'kay? Oh, how's the new veep's office? - What? - The new veep's office.
It's great.
Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good.
It's fucking it's great.
Me, Doyle.
I mean, come on, Teddy.
Of course, Teddy.
So good over there, guys.
So good.
It's my pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Ericsson.
Good.
It's a nice room.
For a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary.
It's discreet.
There's no DC people here.
I booked it using the name Lazlo Whittaker.
Was Vladimir Draw-Attention-To-Myself already taken? A coffee? - Skinny latte.
- Americano triple shot.
How about any sides? Maybe a sandwich? I'll take a protein bar.
I'm allergic to macadamia nuts.
Got it no deadly macadamias for Mr.
Ericsson.
- Almond croissant, sparkling water.
- I'll take a water, too.
You know what? Just gonna grab a pen and paper.
Let me write this down.
Or I will remember it using my brain.
I've got a pretty good one.
Illinois Institute of Technology.
I'll cut right to the chase.
Good, 'cause that last minute was a very long minute.
- Is Joe - Joe Thornhill quitting? Nice question.
I was just asking it.
Joe's not quitting, but the rumor's half right.
I've just quit as his campaign manager.
Why would you do that the fuck for? Joltin' Joe has hit the top of his bounce.
Does he realize that or is he gonna find out on ESPN? No, he's very, very stupid.
I thought he'd be an interesting challenge, but he's a boring chore.
Your job is very interesting.
- Well - Challenging.
Very exciting job.
My job, yes, it is.
The job I have is a very good job.
- Gary.
- Hey, Sue, how's it going? - I was just in here.
- I get it, Gary.
- You look pretty.
- You don't need to pretend.
All I need to know is has the black binder from her desk been moved? - The black binder? Yeah, yeah, it has.
- Okay.
Do you know what? I have never looked at her from this angle.
And she still just radiates okay.
Do you think Selina will win? Tough fight, but she can win.
You said she can win.
I asked if she will win.
I'm sorry, was that sparkling or still water? And what kind of croissant? I definitely remember the rest.
Okay, I'm leaving this hotel room.
Good-bye, Amy.
Good-bye, Lazlo.
He just quit being Thornhill's campaign manager.
Wonder what he'll do next.
He's the best campaign manager in America.
- One of them.
- I mean, he could have any job he wants.
- Yeah.
- He could have your job.
You know, I'm saying all this out loud and I probably shouldn't be.
Thanks, ma'am.
Would you like me to take away the signed letters in the black binder? How'd you know I signed those? Oh, I have a sixth sense.
And a seventh for when I need it.
- Gary.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you have my hand cream? - Oh, yeah.
- I got the new formula from La Prairie - No, no.
Just give me the whole tube 'cause you can't come into this next meeting either.
- And I'm totally fine with that, you know.
- Well Well, Joint Chiefs are on their way.
We should hear their big clanking balls any second.
And then all the paintings will fall off the walls.
- Oh, hey, Gare? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is the coffee that the navy stewards use? I can only imagine.
- It's heaven.
- Oh.
- It's like Colombian tongue sex.
- Wow.
Why don't we ever use that coffee? I don't know, but you love our old coffee.
- Nah.
- No.
- "Reservoir Dogs," huh? - Excuse me? I've never actually seen it, but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.
What do you think they're gonna offer us? - Uh, $2 billion.
Three, tops.
- Uh-huh.
So you ready for these buzz-cut bozos? What are you talking about? I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, i.
e.
, men.
Well, that's what we do best.
That and farting during first Communions.
It's funny I don't really think of you as a man.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Oh, here they are.
Ma'am.
Joint Chiefs of Staff.
- Gentlemen.
- Madam President.
Please come in.
Take a seat.
I understand you're on the warpath.
I get that.
I think it's your favorite path.
- Vampires! - God, stop! If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now.
That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi.
- That's not cool, man.
- Wait, what are you even doing? I'm keeping an eye on the president.
Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable - at the book depository next door? - Do you know what? - Can you just leave, please? - It was a joke.
Hey, do you know Teddy Sykes over in the VP's office? Teddy? Yeah.
He's a great guy.
- He is? - He's really, really hands-on.
Oh.
Okay.
Why do you want to know about Teddy? He played this joke, and, I mean, it was really funny, but, I don't know, it was a little weird and what's the president doing? It looks like she's having a meeting with the Joint Chiefs.
I don't think it's scheduled.
We know you need cuts, but a further 25,000 reduction in active military troops is unthinkable.
Yeah, but here I am.
I'm thinking it.
The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.
Kent majored in fortune cookies.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Are you okay? You look you look okay.
Your predecessor said that a force of 420,000 would be more than adequate Yeah, that's horse hockey.
Forgive me, ma'am.
No, no.
No forgiveness needed.
I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit.
Okay, well, let's see.
- We're stuck.
- We'd like to propose an alternative cut.
Oh, okay.
An alternative cut.
That sounds interesting, doesn't it, Ben? - Very interesting.
- Very interesting.
The N620 submarine lacks a mission.
It was designed for an outdated Cold War scenario that's gone the way of the fax machine and the VCR.
Okay, so what does that mean in terms of numbers ballparkwise? I mean, if we were to scrap this program you suggest? $50 billion.
I I'm sorry, could you say that again? Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes? - Nine.
- Yes.
All right, well, you know, I think well, you know, this gives us something to think about.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
It's page three, I think it is.
Yeah.
Well, I think we might have different I think Lassie is trying to tell us something.
POTUS and the Joint Chiefs meeting, happening now.
Oh, shit! God damn it.
I told you, Teddy.
Sir, can I sit down? I think I split my diaphragm.
I need you to run.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
$50 billion! That was masterly, ma'am.
- Oh, my God! - Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive.
That wasn't a cock-thumb.
That was a cock-cock.
- Yeah, I nearly puked.
- How big is $50 billion? Get it in here in five-dollar bills.
I'm gonna climb it and see if I get frostbite.
Oh, oh, Andrew.
- Heard there was a meeting.
- Yes.
It was just a little light housecleaning.
- Dusting, really.
- I ran all the way here.
Well, you know what? You're in phenomenal shape.
For a man of your age, it's just extraordinary.
Are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink? No, I have a lot to do.
Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, wait, Andrew.
Would you close the door behind you? Thanks.
But nice to see you.
"We bet on American workers.
We bet on American ingenuity.
" Guys, this writing is absolutely fantastic! It's "50 Shades of Great.
" - Really.
- Thank you, Madam President.
All in a day's work that also took all night.
- How do I look? - Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
- Good.
- Actually, let me take these glasses out.
- It looks like you have a penis.
- What? Which you can totally pull off if you had if you had to.
- Got to go.
- Good luck, Madam President.
- Bye.
- Well done, guys.
I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.
The shit is gonna hit the fuck? No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck.
Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.
Well, I've read the speech.
So have my friends here.
Oh, sorry.
Guys, this is the military industrial complex.
Military industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Is this about the submarine jobs? to Elsa the ice queen.
Shall we recalibrate our language, Roger? It's Congressman Furlong to you, gray Elvis.
And, yes, this is about specifically in my district that this announcement will torpedo.
The N620s are for a threat that doesn't exist.
We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.
And they cost $50 billion.
And I'm gonna say dollars again.
Dollars.
You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin, or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state.
And then this little round fucking window comes from another place.
All right? And the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin.
We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere.
So take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you.
Hey, Dobby the house elf, we've had enough.
- Just get out.
- Okay.
You can wave bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are going to Vulcan death grip you to fuck.
Live long and fuck off.
Speech is already in the teleprompter.
She's on her way down.
I'm gonna have a fucking heart attack.
Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike? I'm gonna go talk to the president.
- Hey, Mr.
Speaker.
- Thrilled for you, ma'am.
Oh, see, you're being sarcastic, Jim.
Absolutely thrilled, really.
- Oh, no, see, that's sarcasm.
- Couldn't be more thrilled.
- That is sarcasm.
- No, it's not.
- It is, I see it.
Yeah, and oh.
- Ma'am.
Hi, Ben.
What's with that Deputy Dawg face you got going? Well, there's a lot of districts that won't support the submarine cuts.
So if you go ahead, they're gonna kill They're gonna kill my Families First, then? That's the long and shit of it.
Okay.
We're gonna have to find the money somewhere else.
Okay? Just end high school in ninth grade or something.
Just take the submarine cuts out of the speech.
Okay.
- Change it.
Hurry up.
- Yeah.
Mr.
Speaker, the President of the United States.
She's onstage.
Okay, okay, one of us needs to write some new text and I really need to stop shallow breathing.
POTUS has spoken.
We cut the cuts.
Okay, Sue, we need to go to that section of the speech.
I don't think I can edit that section and still have Selina see the top of the speech.
- Let me see what happens if I - That's what happens.
We're the first woman president.
Right? Well, I am.
You're not, Michael.
- Congratulations, ma'am.
- I'm looking at you, but I'm shaking somebody else's hand.
It's the strangest feeling.
Oh, it's you.
That is you, right? It's him.
Hurry up! How come you type with only two fingers? - You're not a sloth.
- No, wait, she's got the hard copy, right? I mean, that's her backup chute right there.
Great, she reads that while we edit this.
- Okay.
Okay.
- I have her glasses.
- What? - I've got her glasses.
You should not have those.
Why have you blinded the president, Gary? They were ruining the line of her dress and - Mr.
Walsh.
- No one hates me more than I hate myself.
You're wrong there.
You run into the chamber and you give her the glasses and you keep running until you hit the ocean.
Go, Gary.
Chamber, now.
Too late, she's already at the podium.
Well, I've killed her.
I've killed her, okay? Thank you, Mr.
Speaker - God, God, God.
- Mr.
Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans.
I'd like to begin today by saying a few words.
I'd like to ask for some time to think about President Hughes and the former First Lady.
So let's let's take a moment to bow our heads and remember their contribution to this great nation.
They're not dead.
Ha ha ha! I've done it! I rule so hard.
Don't stop.
Give me the USB.
Oh, shit.
I always get it wrong.
It's a 50-50 chance.
I never get the right side up.
God bless them.
What people, what people.
There are literally no words.
Come on, come on.
Hurry up.
People want to know who I am and I want to tell them so much.
It is up and the eagle has noticed.
Whoo! My entire career just flashed before my eyes.
It was incredibly impressive.
That its government was in safe hands.
No, that's that's the wrong phrase.
- Huh? What? - Hmm? I think I put the new stuff in Mike11A1, not Mike11A1A.
But that could be the other way around.
This version still has placeholders in it and the next section just says "future whatever.
" So today I don't just want to talk about the present.
I want to talk about the future.
Whatever we have in store cannot be known.
But given time, it it can be understood.
The past was once the future.
The future is, I should say, unknown.
It is in fact unknowable.
She's bebop speaking.
So I'm asking you to meet me at the station and join me as we board a train bound for a place called the future.
I detest jazz, but this is impressive.
And we will be ready for that future whatever.
I'm almost crying.
I didn't know I could still almost do that.
But now but now it's time to roll past the future to move on and do so very, very quickly.
When we think of what is to come, we think of our children.
Ha ha, superb! We're back on track.
And the rest of the speech is okay? - Yes.
Absolutely.
- Okay, thank you.
Uh uh, no.
And when we think of our children I think this version still has President Hughes' old spending plan in it.
We will invest $60 billion in the new N620 submarine fleet.
God damn it.
That's a further $10 billion investment in this vital and modern defense system.
Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan.
He's not fucking dead.
Do you think she noticed? I think so, Mike.
What the hell was I reading? You were supposed to take the submarine cuts out, not spend an extra Now, give Gary? - Mm-hmm? - Glasses.
Yep.
I mean, this speech was supposed to perfectly define my presidency.
Okay, you want to fix these? Whole cities of children were going to be saved from poverty.
Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal, giant dildos.
Do you have any idea what You need to be far away from me.
Get out of my office.
Okay.
Ma'am, I know you need to be alone right now.
It's just that these sign-offs I'm just I'll just leave 'em.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Sorry, ma'am, you said not to interrupt, but we have a campaign meeting scheduled for right now.
- I know, Amy.
- I'm descheduling as I exit.
Madam President, I know you kicked me out, but we just droned the wrong guy's truck in Yemen.
- Thank you, Ben.
- Great.
Guess I'll write a report.
- Hey, ma'am, I got your - Get out! Yeah.
Madam President.
Sorry to interrupt.
Just to let you know that two of the hikers are dead.
Could you please leave? Sorry, Madam President.
Wait.
What hikers? What hikers?!