Web Therapy (2011) s04e01 Episode Script
Call in the Light
Previously on Web Therapy Austen before he gave away all of his money, he wrote his last check to Angus.
So we are going to be the custodians of that $20 million.
$20 million? And are you ready for this? We bought the house next door! No what who? What? Yes, indeed.
I counseled Kip on the issue, and I'm gonna relaunch his political career.
I'm going to bankroll the entire thing.
And my ultimate goal for him is Supreme Court Justice.
I'm not paranoid.
I know she's out to get me.
And also you're just running down the woman that I love and the woman I'm going to marry next week.
Who? Putsy.
And the first thing we're going to do is shut Web Therapy down.
No! _ - Hi, Fiona.
- Oh, hi, Garreth.
- Hold a second.
- What? What did you call me? Dad! I'm sorry.
Garreth There you are.
It always warms me when you say "dad.
" - Yeah.
- It's just a thing, you know? Yes, of course I want to make you happy, - call you dad.
- Oh, really? Did I buy you that turquoise stuff behind you? The foo dogs? I had them - You did? - Before.
- Really? - Aren't they lovely? - Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.
It's all right that I have them, right, even though they were from the days when I was working, do Conducting therapy.
- Well - I can still have them.
Listen, and Fiona, I'm very sorry about that, about Web Therapy being shut down.
I it was When Putsy and I got married, she insisted that I shut you down.
And it's not a thing that a father should do to a daughter.
Do you know what I'm saying? I always feel bad about that.
That's nice of you Well Especially since you're not actually my father.
Technically technically, no.
I was not the inserter, but You know how I You know what I'm saying? How I feel? You're so bad.
Yeah, I am.
What's what's why you have a Are you diabetic and you have a thing that says "keep away from cookies"? - Oh! - What is that? No, it's my name tag from a luncheon today that I had to attend for Kip, and But it's Fiona, it's spelled wrong.
- "Wallace," I know.
- Yeah.
I didn't want to say anything or cause problems.
I understand.
But you know what? Keep it on, so I know who I'm talking to.
Congratulations.
- Congratulations to all of us.
- Well, I You don't get appointed judge on your own.
I know.
It's fantastic for anybody.
Ah, now he's the honorable Kip Wallice.
Is he? Is he? Well You know what I'm saying.
All right, between us.
Anyway, you're looking very healthy.
Thank you, yeah.
No, I mean, I've it's I'm relaxing into my new role, and it's just it is - It is what it is.
- Mmhmm.
It's that's how I see it, you know? And it looks like you do too.
I don't Can I tell you something? My life is a horror.
She's an awful woman.
Everything you said about her is true and more.
- Can we talk? - Yes, absolutely.
Okay, and this may be upsetting to you.
You don't want to hear about your mother's sexual - Proc - that's - Proclivities.
- No, you're right.
But Very difficult to, um Get her to You know, finish.
Oh! Oh.
I mean It's, uh it's When they say "labor of love," this is labor.
This is labor.
They had to uber me to critical care twice 'cause my jaw was just locked in place.
- Okay, yes.
- Okay? No, I understand It's it's it's been beyond belief, and I'll tell you something else.
I think she's having an affair.
- Huh? - You didn't hear it from me.
- I'll pretend I didn't hear it at all.
- You know what? You just did.
- You heard it from me - Oh.
Because I heard me, so then you heard me, so you heard it from me.
She's having an affair.
I'm sure of it.
I won't say anything to her, though Because she uses those cell phones that you can use for one day, like a terrorist, and then throw them away.
- She does that.
- Oh, a burner.
Burner phone.
I don't know what to say to her.
I don't know what to do about it.
She comes home, she smells like a combination of sweat and old spice, and that's not my scent.
- No? - 'Cause I'm a musk.
- I'm a musk.
- Oh.
I like musk.
And that's not me.
So what do I say to her? You know, it might be that because you've allowed her to have her way with you and others, that she's lost some respect.
So maybe you need to say, "here's how it's going to be.
" You know, "I'm Fiona's allowing me "to live in this penthouse as well.
"I can be in our bedroom.
I can be in our living room.
" You know? Oh, my word.
- Fiona - Hmm? No? - Yes! - Oh.
Big yes.
You're fabulous.
- I? - Yes.
You you so concisely touched me and said to me exactly what I need to do.
No one has ever been able to do that no one.
I mean, in just, you know, a few moments, through You know, we're not even in the same room.
Right.
With me lying down in front of you not looking at who's talking.
Thank you.
You know, that's what I do.
It is what you do, isn't it? Well, it's what I did.
No, it's what you can do again.
It's what you can do again.
She won't really allow that, I think.
We just have to do it.
But I would love to.
I would love to.
But if we're gonna do this, you're gonna have to make some changes.
You're gonna have to make some changes.
When I was preparing the time magazine piece about you which never ran, thank God.
But let me pull up what people said.
- Okay.
- Hmm, see? What? "Odiferous.
" "Obnoxious.
" "A tin ear to the human condition.
" That's me? "Eats souls for lunch.
" Oh.
- "Really encouraged me" - Oh.
"To continue my suicidal thoughts.
" - That's not good.
- Okay.
- That's not good.
- No.
It depends on how you look at it, but You can only look at it one way.
I guess people look at it in a negative way.
- And here's the thing.
- Okay.
If you're gonna treat people, you have to look like you give a shit.
Oh.
Yes.
I can do that.
Just pretend that I'm caring.
- Yeah.
- Right.
'Cause you're not now.
Not now.
It's it's the same "I'm above you" look.
I can feel it.
But I know it's not there, but that's what It's very hard when you know that you You know, what the truth I am above them, so it's hard.
But don't let them know that.
But don't let them know that.
Let them think that I'm down in the mud with them, trying to struggle and figure it out, when I'm, you know, weeks ahead of them.
And first of all, you have to stop with the hands.
Wha oh.
It is not a Benihana.
You're coming at me.
It's almost like I need these If these were 3D glasses, I'd be terrified.
- Okay, right.
- You know what I'm saying? When you're calm and you just keep your hands on your desk or It's just, there you are.
Look, there you are.
Look, I'm giving you the tricks of the trade.
Right, no, but they're valuable.
They're valuable, because I think I have potential.
If Google was gonna buy net therapy, why wouldn't they be interested in Web Therapy? Don't you think so? You're the originator.
I it was.
It was my idea.
She stole it Maybe now you'll believe that she stole the idea from me.
I'd believe anything about her.
I think she's one of the worst people who ever lived.
She's bad, yes.
Oh, she's beyond bad.
She she looks up at bad.
I am so excited now.
I I know this is gonna sound weird, but borderline chubby, okay? - Borderline chubby.
- Oh.
- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Oh.
You're gonna go to work.
I'm gonna go to work.
Okay, that so that means that I now can start treating people again? I would start right away.
I would start right away, because if you can bring on a patient that you've helped - Uh-huh.
- That's a success story.
Right.
Then I bring them to the today show.
I bring them to Dr.
Phil.
I bring them to the Whatever show Michael Strahan is doing, because people love him.
- Okay.
- That's what I think.
So get to work, and I will get to work.
All right, thank you.
I'm excited.
Okay, thank you.
Whoa.
Say "thank you" - Very much.
- DA - Thank - DA Dad! _ Oh, there you are! Oh! And there you are.
- Hey, it's good to see you.
- Hello, "Jerome.
" Oh, yeah, you like that? Gina, you know? No kidding.
Once we started having the means Is that an earring? Oh, yeah.
Gina pierced it for me.
No, it's on the other side.
Oh.
Yeah, we both got the same one.
We were a little drunk that night.
But Gina wanted us to have co-parenting besties earrings, so we each got the same one.
- Right.
- That's a real diamond.
It's, like, 6 carats, something like that.
- Wow.
- Pretty great.
What a not a waste of money.
I do what the lady tells me.
You came into a lot of money or baby Angus - Well, you know - Was left a lot of money - As per the request - by Austen? as the custodian of little Angus, we have all sort of enjoyed the wealth, - so to speak.
- Right.
And in fact, you know, all along, we thought it was 20 million.
We kept saying 20 million, 20 million.
- Right.
- It was 20 million pounds.
- Oh, that's different.
- Yeah.
It's, like, close to $40 million.
- Well - Yeah.
Not with the current exchange rate.
- But still, it's more.
- Well - Wow.
- So we're really That's a lot of money.
It's a lot of money.
- We feel very fortunate.
- Wow.
We just came back from Orlando.
Uh-huh.
And I spent a lot of time with Angus - down at Harry Potter World.
- Oh.
I really want to immerse him in his native culture, you know? And Hogwarts village is all Scottish, so it felt like he was at home.
- Really? - Yeah.
So Angus was written by J.
K.
Rowling? No, no, of course not.
But, you know, that's really where he feels at home.
Really? The infant lets you know that he feels at home there? He cries with a Scottish brogue.
I really wanted to give him something of Austen's, you know, and that was kind of a gift.
Austen's given us such a gift.
Oh, you got my baby gift.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry.
We didn't get our thank-you notes out in time.
This is very, very thoughtful and creative - Yeah, isn't that fun? - For Angus.
It is.
He loves the color red.
Can you let me see it.
We don't let him We don't let him touch it, but he does love to play He likes to look at it.
Yeah, look at that.
Isn't that funny? It's funny.
It is funny.
I know boys like weapons, guns, knives, and stuff, so Right, and he's not one yet, but he's getting old enough to appreciate - Right.
- The fun of it, yeah.
Thank you for that.
That was thoughtful.
I thought it was a charming little thing, yeah.
You know, we should really have you and Kip over for for dinner.
I mean, we're neighbors, practically connected, uh, property.
- Yeah, almost connected.
- Almost.
Thank God you didn't build that little - The bridge.
- Bridge, yeah.
We still have plans for it, but No, that's not don't do that.
It hurts the resale, I'm convinced.
But you know you have You can use our hot tub and the whole water pavilion any time you want.
- You know that, right? - That's very nice.
- Okay, I just want you - Yes.
I don't think there's enough chlorine in the world, though, to You know, um, that's a nice invitation, but Kip, of course, is very busy, 'cause while you were gone I don't know I don't remember at what point it happened, but, you know, my mother followed through with her plan, and Kip has been appointed.
He's a circuit judge.
That was, like, a dream of his.
That's fantastic.
Well, no, the supreme court is the dream of his.
He's on his way, which is I congratulate you as well, because he has you to credit.
- Thank you.
- You've been I'm not asking for your congratulations.
You've been behind him every step of the way.
- And, you know, especially - How do you know? - You haven't been here.
- Well, I- - you don't know how many steps behind him I've been.
I know, and I know you But as it happens, I was behind him - every step of the way - Listen- - because that was sort of the contract that I had to make with my mother and Garreth.
Sure.
Anyway, the pressure's off now, 'cause she's on a lecture circuit also.
Oh, right.
The book did so well.
- Yeah.
- Congrats to her.
Well, I'm happy for everybody, and I certainly need to get to work as soon as I can to fulfill my obligation in the contract.
Yes, yes, right.
- So as a - As a role model Role model for little Angus.
For Angus so that you're not living off of his money too.
Exactly.
You know, you need to be employed.
It makes sense too.
And as he's getting older, I want him to look to me and want to emulate what he sees.
Right, well, you have a job.
You work for me.
I think that was also part of the reason why Austen put that in so that I wouldn't be left without - Oh.
- An employee.
Well, that is really flattering.
That's really flattering.
I figured, after all this had happened, you know, I obviously so outearn you financially, and we're on such different levels in terms of that, I felt In terms of that.
Yeah, I thought that maybe it would be uncomfortable for you, but I really would love to go back to our collaboration and figure out a way to continue to work together.
Yes, that makes sense.
So yeah, I can't really It's at a whole different level now.
Of course it's at a different level.
Not to sound condescending, because Not at all condescending - or outrageous or unjustified.
- Yeah, not at all, so I'm glad that you see it - Not at all.
- Thank you.
In fact, I don't know what took me so long to realize that What would be a better investment for you than the business you've already been involved with from the ground up? I need to offer you a partnership in Web Therapy.
What have I been thinking? Are you are you teasing me? No, of course I'm completely serious, Jerome.
I think it would be wonderful if for, say You know, we'll come up with the right number Yeah, we could be partners or half - Like, $250,000 - Okay.
- And then you could have - Half of No, a whole a whole percentage.
- Oh, a whole percentage.
- Yes.
Oh, but we be we would be owners.
We would be co-owners of Web Therapy.
Yes, we'd be co-owners.
A voting share, would be my point.
Absolutely.
You'll have one whole vote Well, that sounds like To my 99, yeah.
That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Good.
I'm glad you see it that way.
Obviously, I'm gonna want to have my The forensic team that looks at the accounting of the estate look at what the value is of Web Therapy, but we'll figure out what that Oh, well, if you want, but, you know, they work for you, so if this is what you want to do, you say, "make it work.
" Oh.
And that's what they're supposed That's how we've always handled our That's right.
Sure.
People who are in service to us.
- Good point.
- Yeah.
You know what? Learning curve.
Learning curve.
But I can help you through it.
I might not have, you know, the magnitude of wealth that you do - Well, we're figuring it out.
- But, you know.
Gina has a lot of ideas about what to do with the money.
Oh, well, you have to stop that.
Well, she's having some fun with it, and all of it is in All of it is in service to Angus.
That's the most important thing.
But her level of fun doesn't cost that much.
- That's the beauty of Gina.
- That's right.
You know, I think Hayley is another issue.
Well, Hayley is Is actually in Bali right now.
She said she's looking for a preschool, and she really believes that Angus needs to travel, so she's doing all the traveling first.
Oh, maybe she could attend all the schools, too, throughout his lifetime.
She's certainly And he can go to public school, where it costs nothing.
I appreciate your concern.
- That really helps.
- Yes, no- - it helps to know that we're already partners.
- Yeah.
- Let's That's a great deal, and I can't thank you enough.
It really moves me.
Can we shake on it? Sure.
Can you see me through the window? Look out your window, 'cause I'm waving at you.
- I'm shaking.
- Well I'm shake Here, you want to shake through the - Shake through Skype.
- I don't Let's do a Skype shake.
All right.
Oh, no.
We're Skype shaking.
_ Oh, hello.
You must be Maya "Gannish.
" I am.
Ganesh.
Ganesh.
Oh, okay, sorry.
Ganesh, yes.
The "nesh" is the - The important part of the name.
- Yes.
It's so lovely to meet you.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, yeah.
Oh, I was wondering if Would it be okay with you if, before we started, if I just call in the light? If you what? I'm sorry.
If I call in the light? Okay.
So just close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Okay.
Mother-father God, asking for clearing.
Fiona and I ask that you wrap us in the warmth of your light and guide us towards a place of authenticity and vulnerability.
We are your children and your daughters.
Please protect us as we go on this journey together.
Thank you.
Amen.
- That was really moving.
- Yeah.
So how do you know how to do that, I wonder.
Well, I am a yoga teacher, a meditation teacher.
Oh, okay, so all things are illuminated - Yes.
Very much so, yes.
- For me.
I'm sort of an expert in the field, if you will.
Oh, is there such a thing? - Yes.
Oh, yes.
- You know what? - This is new to me, but I'm - Oh.
You know, I'm, myself, going on sort of a "journey.
" I'm practicing being very open - Yes.
- And listening.
- That's how I found you.
- Oh.
You're a new age therapist, and so I Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
And I heard that you're intuitive.
You listen very carefully, but you also bring intuition.
Yes, that's right.
Good.
Oh, so what now, I wonder, what on earth could be the problem for you? Oh, I'm gonna like you a lot.
- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, good.
I need that.
Do you do Yelp? - Do I do who? - Yelp.
Do you offer comments on Yelp or any of those What is what is Yelp? It's this thing where people who, you know, use your services, and then they write a review, and good reviews mean, you know, there are more people for you to help on the planet.
Ah, where do they write these reviews? Where do they Online, on the Internet.
- Ah.
- You know, yeah.
Sounds dubious.
Sounds dangerous - Well - For a business owner.
Right, if it doesn't go your way, it can be, but Yes.
So I've had to sort of, you know, redirect my efforts.
- Oh, I see.
- Right.
Well, you know, my business, I run a healing center, a meditation center.
Oh.
And I I would be surprised if our "yell" comments were not positive.
Yelp.
Yelp.
Yelp.
Excuse me.
But, yeah, should be called "yell.
" Yelp! Yelp! Yelp! I get it now.
It took me it took me a moment.
Oh, I'm not as I'm not as smart as I look.
Okay, well, you look enlightened.
Oh, yes.
Well, I like to think so.
I, um I suppose that brings me to the reason I'm called forth to speak with you.
Right.
I I'm a very centered woman.
Yes.
I consider myself, you know, very at one with the vibration of the earth.
Okay.
But lately, I've been struggling.
Oh.
And I have I occasionally have a very uncomfortable feeling arise in my body.
- It makes me very warm.
- Mmhmm.
And, um, I sort of lose, um, my My composure a bit.
Oh.
I'm not sure exactly what it is.
But it's I get I I hope that people die when this happens.
I hope that I don't know.
I don't know what to call it.
Anger.
I call it anger.
- No, it's definitely not anger.
- Okay.
I mean, I'm a fucking meditation teacher.
- Right.
- You know, I teach My business is peace.
I'm not - It's not anger.
- Okay.
You know, that's exactly what Barbara said to me.
- Who's okay.
- And it's it's just not.
I mean, it's just impossible that it would be anger.
Okay, then maybe it's not anger but anger's cousin rage? First of all, I didn't You know, the purpose of this session is not to call me names, you know? You're supposed to be helping me through.
I don't have rage! Right, but I wasn't saying that you are rage.
I wasn't calling you And if I were to call you names, I would, you know, say other things.
Yes, well, I I I don't But I'm not, because I'm being a good listener.
I don't identify with that! I'm very loving.
I'm a very calm, loving Surface of a lake.
- Ow! - Okay.
- God damn it! - Oh.
My bell.
Just hang on.
I need to All better now? Oh, God.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Oh, you're welcome.
I'm happy I could help.
You you really are helpful.
You are.
But it seems like this is making you very tense and frustrated too, because Is there much at stake? Could there possibly be much at stake for, you know, the ten students you have or whatever and Barbara's mad.
Unless it's Streisand, I don't know why it's a problem.
Ah, I see your point.
Barbara is my board of directors at Golden Circles.
Golden Circles? Golden Circles.
And that's my healing center.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
She believes that I have these feelings that I need to work through, and she said that she's very concerned about our upcoming retreat because of my Whatever you want to call it.
Right, lapse in calm, glassy lake feelings.
Yes.
I just I'm sorry, but I googled you, and I could see that, yes, you're extremely well-known and very important.
I have many followers, is the thing.
I see that.
I didn't realize.
Yeah.
There's a lot at stake to get you back on track.
And, uh, I I had, you know, what you might describe as an "incident.
" Oh.
A slight problem with one of the associates.
That's a worker? I saw an entity here, and I pulled her hair.
But I To rid her of the entity you hallucinated? I didn't hallucinate it.
I saw the entity.
Oh, okay.
And she was going on and on and on and just talking rubbish.
And I saw this entity, and she really gets on my fucking nerves, this girl.
- Right.
- She's not evolved.
She's not spiritual.
So she conjures entities around her.
You can't conjure an entity.
You can attract an entity.
And there was one Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Got it.
And then, unfortuitously for me, I saw the entity on the tire of our receptionist's car, and I went after it with scissors, and she thought I punctured her tire Oh.
At will because I had yelled at her for getting messages wrong because she constantly does.
Oh, well, that's unacceptable.
Thank you, Fiona.
God, I finally Well, how are you supposed to help people if you don't get the messages? Thank you! - Right.
- Thank you! And how are you supposed to exorcise entities if you can't stab them with scissors? I'm sorry your tire got punctured Thank you.
But I rid the world of an entity.
- Thank you.
- Right.
I honestly feel, for the first time, that someone is on my level.
That's a good point.
Can I tell you something? - Yeah.
- You have a lot of insight.
- Thank you.
- All right? And I can see why you'd be really frustrated with the people around you, right? Do you ever do talks? You're very good.
- I I should - And I, you know - Do talks.
- You should.
And I have, at this retreat You know, I feel very comfortable with you.
I feel very I feel very good, and I think maybe you should come and speak at the retreat.
We have a fascinating array of speakers.
We have a chakra balancer - Oh.
- A fecalist.
- What? - A fecalist.
- Okay.
- A fecalist.
- They examine your - I don't know.
You know, if you do a basti - That's Indian for an enema - Oh.
Then they analyze the contents.
Well, that's something.
We have a feeling Sanskrit.
So you just you scan over the Sanskrit with your fingers.
Very interesting people.
And I think, you know, you're really You could bring a very grounded scientific angle.
- Right.
- You must come.
Oh.
Well I think you would really galvanize the men and women up there who are coming looking for real insight into themselves and I think I would too, but I don't do charity work, so Oh.
It's not it's not a charity.
We pay our speakers.
- Oh, you do? - Yes.
With soup or No, it's $10,000 a day plus room and board and a massage.
- For the speaker? - Yes.
And a massage? And a massage, and, of course, we clean you with sage, and we have a native American ritual to cleanse the spirit.
And that's optional? - No, that's not optional.
- Oh.
No.
But it's not it's not It's not invasive.
It's not a vaginal or anything like that.
- You have those too? - Yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, absolutely.
How many days is this? Three days, $10,000 a day.
$30,000 you know what? I'll clear my schedule for you.
Oh, fantastic.
I think you're very A person of value that I'm honored to know.
Oh, thank you.
I will have Shanti call you, then.
No, she'll email you, actually.
- Oh, I can do that.
- She'll Yelp you.
Okay.
That's funny.
And she'll give you all the information.
So you get a basti.
You get the spiritual cleansing.
You get the fecalist.
You get all of that, all included.
You'll have a wonderful time.
You'll leave feeling rejuvenated.
- Wow.
- It'll be great.
Leave all the shit behind.
Yes! Oh, is that your motto? That's funny.
- It's punny.
- It should be.
- Yeah.
- You are hilarious.
I'm very excited, okay.
If we could just do a little closing prayer.
Oh, sure.
Maybe you would do me the honor of doing our closing prayer.
I'll just if you just breathe in If you close your eyes and breathe in through your nose three times.
And then whatever comes to me? Absolutely.
One It's too loud, though.
The breathing is far too loud.
I'm breathing incorrectly? Okay.
It's not- it's supposed to be a tranquilizing breath.
Okay.
To hit the nerves up here to relax the brain, so Don't breathe so violently.
It's just it's counterintuitive, Fiona.
- Okay.
- It sounds fucking crazy too.
Well, I'll just I'll learn.
Okay, I need to learn how to breathe.
Is that an earring? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she pierced Gina pierced my ear one night.
Well, it's not there.
It's over there.
I felt the earwig.
I'm a very calm, loving Surface of a lake.
- Ow! - Okay.
- My bell.
- Oh.
Did you break your bell With your calmness? Did did your bell bounce off the surface of your lake and crack? Where's the fucking prayer, Fiona? I was I was trying to breathe.
- I have to go.
- Okay, yes.
All right, and so God Cut.
We cut.
Yeah, that's good.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade
So we are going to be the custodians of that $20 million.
$20 million? And are you ready for this? We bought the house next door! No what who? What? Yes, indeed.
I counseled Kip on the issue, and I'm gonna relaunch his political career.
I'm going to bankroll the entire thing.
And my ultimate goal for him is Supreme Court Justice.
I'm not paranoid.
I know she's out to get me.
And also you're just running down the woman that I love and the woman I'm going to marry next week.
Who? Putsy.
And the first thing we're going to do is shut Web Therapy down.
No! _ - Hi, Fiona.
- Oh, hi, Garreth.
- Hold a second.
- What? What did you call me? Dad! I'm sorry.
Garreth There you are.
It always warms me when you say "dad.
" - Yeah.
- It's just a thing, you know? Yes, of course I want to make you happy, - call you dad.
- Oh, really? Did I buy you that turquoise stuff behind you? The foo dogs? I had them - You did? - Before.
- Really? - Aren't they lovely? - Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.
It's all right that I have them, right, even though they were from the days when I was working, do Conducting therapy.
- Well - I can still have them.
Listen, and Fiona, I'm very sorry about that, about Web Therapy being shut down.
I it was When Putsy and I got married, she insisted that I shut you down.
And it's not a thing that a father should do to a daughter.
Do you know what I'm saying? I always feel bad about that.
That's nice of you Well Especially since you're not actually my father.
Technically technically, no.
I was not the inserter, but You know how I You know what I'm saying? How I feel? You're so bad.
Yeah, I am.
What's what's why you have a Are you diabetic and you have a thing that says "keep away from cookies"? - Oh! - What is that? No, it's my name tag from a luncheon today that I had to attend for Kip, and But it's Fiona, it's spelled wrong.
- "Wallace," I know.
- Yeah.
I didn't want to say anything or cause problems.
I understand.
But you know what? Keep it on, so I know who I'm talking to.
Congratulations.
- Congratulations to all of us.
- Well, I You don't get appointed judge on your own.
I know.
It's fantastic for anybody.
Ah, now he's the honorable Kip Wallice.
Is he? Is he? Well You know what I'm saying.
All right, between us.
Anyway, you're looking very healthy.
Thank you, yeah.
No, I mean, I've it's I'm relaxing into my new role, and it's just it is - It is what it is.
- Mmhmm.
It's that's how I see it, you know? And it looks like you do too.
I don't Can I tell you something? My life is a horror.
She's an awful woman.
Everything you said about her is true and more.
- Can we talk? - Yes, absolutely.
Okay, and this may be upsetting to you.
You don't want to hear about your mother's sexual - Proc - that's - Proclivities.
- No, you're right.
But Very difficult to, um Get her to You know, finish.
Oh! Oh.
I mean It's, uh it's When they say "labor of love," this is labor.
This is labor.
They had to uber me to critical care twice 'cause my jaw was just locked in place.
- Okay, yes.
- Okay? No, I understand It's it's it's been beyond belief, and I'll tell you something else.
I think she's having an affair.
- Huh? - You didn't hear it from me.
- I'll pretend I didn't hear it at all.
- You know what? You just did.
- You heard it from me - Oh.
Because I heard me, so then you heard me, so you heard it from me.
She's having an affair.
I'm sure of it.
I won't say anything to her, though Because she uses those cell phones that you can use for one day, like a terrorist, and then throw them away.
- She does that.
- Oh, a burner.
Burner phone.
I don't know what to say to her.
I don't know what to do about it.
She comes home, she smells like a combination of sweat and old spice, and that's not my scent.
- No? - 'Cause I'm a musk.
- I'm a musk.
- Oh.
I like musk.
And that's not me.
So what do I say to her? You know, it might be that because you've allowed her to have her way with you and others, that she's lost some respect.
So maybe you need to say, "here's how it's going to be.
" You know, "I'm Fiona's allowing me "to live in this penthouse as well.
"I can be in our bedroom.
I can be in our living room.
" You know? Oh, my word.
- Fiona - Hmm? No? - Yes! - Oh.
Big yes.
You're fabulous.
- I? - Yes.
You you so concisely touched me and said to me exactly what I need to do.
No one has ever been able to do that no one.
I mean, in just, you know, a few moments, through You know, we're not even in the same room.
Right.
With me lying down in front of you not looking at who's talking.
Thank you.
You know, that's what I do.
It is what you do, isn't it? Well, it's what I did.
No, it's what you can do again.
It's what you can do again.
She won't really allow that, I think.
We just have to do it.
But I would love to.
I would love to.
But if we're gonna do this, you're gonna have to make some changes.
You're gonna have to make some changes.
When I was preparing the time magazine piece about you which never ran, thank God.
But let me pull up what people said.
- Okay.
- Hmm, see? What? "Odiferous.
" "Obnoxious.
" "A tin ear to the human condition.
" That's me? "Eats souls for lunch.
" Oh.
- "Really encouraged me" - Oh.
"To continue my suicidal thoughts.
" - That's not good.
- Okay.
- That's not good.
- No.
It depends on how you look at it, but You can only look at it one way.
I guess people look at it in a negative way.
- And here's the thing.
- Okay.
If you're gonna treat people, you have to look like you give a shit.
Oh.
Yes.
I can do that.
Just pretend that I'm caring.
- Yeah.
- Right.
'Cause you're not now.
Not now.
It's it's the same "I'm above you" look.
I can feel it.
But I know it's not there, but that's what It's very hard when you know that you You know, what the truth I am above them, so it's hard.
But don't let them know that.
But don't let them know that.
Let them think that I'm down in the mud with them, trying to struggle and figure it out, when I'm, you know, weeks ahead of them.
And first of all, you have to stop with the hands.
Wha oh.
It is not a Benihana.
You're coming at me.
It's almost like I need these If these were 3D glasses, I'd be terrified.
- Okay, right.
- You know what I'm saying? When you're calm and you just keep your hands on your desk or It's just, there you are.
Look, there you are.
Look, I'm giving you the tricks of the trade.
Right, no, but they're valuable.
They're valuable, because I think I have potential.
If Google was gonna buy net therapy, why wouldn't they be interested in Web Therapy? Don't you think so? You're the originator.
I it was.
It was my idea.
She stole it Maybe now you'll believe that she stole the idea from me.
I'd believe anything about her.
I think she's one of the worst people who ever lived.
She's bad, yes.
Oh, she's beyond bad.
She she looks up at bad.
I am so excited now.
I I know this is gonna sound weird, but borderline chubby, okay? - Borderline chubby.
- Oh.
- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Oh.
You're gonna go to work.
I'm gonna go to work.
Okay, that so that means that I now can start treating people again? I would start right away.
I would start right away, because if you can bring on a patient that you've helped - Uh-huh.
- That's a success story.
Right.
Then I bring them to the today show.
I bring them to Dr.
Phil.
I bring them to the Whatever show Michael Strahan is doing, because people love him.
- Okay.
- That's what I think.
So get to work, and I will get to work.
All right, thank you.
I'm excited.
Okay, thank you.
Whoa.
Say "thank you" - Very much.
- DA - Thank - DA Dad! _ Oh, there you are! Oh! And there you are.
- Hey, it's good to see you.
- Hello, "Jerome.
" Oh, yeah, you like that? Gina, you know? No kidding.
Once we started having the means Is that an earring? Oh, yeah.
Gina pierced it for me.
No, it's on the other side.
Oh.
Yeah, we both got the same one.
We were a little drunk that night.
But Gina wanted us to have co-parenting besties earrings, so we each got the same one.
- Right.
- That's a real diamond.
It's, like, 6 carats, something like that.
- Wow.
- Pretty great.
What a not a waste of money.
I do what the lady tells me.
You came into a lot of money or baby Angus - Well, you know - Was left a lot of money - As per the request - by Austen? as the custodian of little Angus, we have all sort of enjoyed the wealth, - so to speak.
- Right.
And in fact, you know, all along, we thought it was 20 million.
We kept saying 20 million, 20 million.
- Right.
- It was 20 million pounds.
- Oh, that's different.
- Yeah.
It's, like, close to $40 million.
- Well - Yeah.
Not with the current exchange rate.
- But still, it's more.
- Well - Wow.
- So we're really That's a lot of money.
It's a lot of money.
- We feel very fortunate.
- Wow.
We just came back from Orlando.
Uh-huh.
And I spent a lot of time with Angus - down at Harry Potter World.
- Oh.
I really want to immerse him in his native culture, you know? And Hogwarts village is all Scottish, so it felt like he was at home.
- Really? - Yeah.
So Angus was written by J.
K.
Rowling? No, no, of course not.
But, you know, that's really where he feels at home.
Really? The infant lets you know that he feels at home there? He cries with a Scottish brogue.
I really wanted to give him something of Austen's, you know, and that was kind of a gift.
Austen's given us such a gift.
Oh, you got my baby gift.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry.
We didn't get our thank-you notes out in time.
This is very, very thoughtful and creative - Yeah, isn't that fun? - For Angus.
It is.
He loves the color red.
Can you let me see it.
We don't let him We don't let him touch it, but he does love to play He likes to look at it.
Yeah, look at that.
Isn't that funny? It's funny.
It is funny.
I know boys like weapons, guns, knives, and stuff, so Right, and he's not one yet, but he's getting old enough to appreciate - Right.
- The fun of it, yeah.
Thank you for that.
That was thoughtful.
I thought it was a charming little thing, yeah.
You know, we should really have you and Kip over for for dinner.
I mean, we're neighbors, practically connected, uh, property.
- Yeah, almost connected.
- Almost.
Thank God you didn't build that little - The bridge.
- Bridge, yeah.
We still have plans for it, but No, that's not don't do that.
It hurts the resale, I'm convinced.
But you know you have You can use our hot tub and the whole water pavilion any time you want.
- You know that, right? - That's very nice.
- Okay, I just want you - Yes.
I don't think there's enough chlorine in the world, though, to You know, um, that's a nice invitation, but Kip, of course, is very busy, 'cause while you were gone I don't know I don't remember at what point it happened, but, you know, my mother followed through with her plan, and Kip has been appointed.
He's a circuit judge.
That was, like, a dream of his.
That's fantastic.
Well, no, the supreme court is the dream of his.
He's on his way, which is I congratulate you as well, because he has you to credit.
- Thank you.
- You've been I'm not asking for your congratulations.
You've been behind him every step of the way.
- And, you know, especially - How do you know? - You haven't been here.
- Well, I- - you don't know how many steps behind him I've been.
I know, and I know you But as it happens, I was behind him - every step of the way - Listen- - because that was sort of the contract that I had to make with my mother and Garreth.
Sure.
Anyway, the pressure's off now, 'cause she's on a lecture circuit also.
Oh, right.
The book did so well.
- Yeah.
- Congrats to her.
Well, I'm happy for everybody, and I certainly need to get to work as soon as I can to fulfill my obligation in the contract.
Yes, yes, right.
- So as a - As a role model Role model for little Angus.
For Angus so that you're not living off of his money too.
Exactly.
You know, you need to be employed.
It makes sense too.
And as he's getting older, I want him to look to me and want to emulate what he sees.
Right, well, you have a job.
You work for me.
I think that was also part of the reason why Austen put that in so that I wouldn't be left without - Oh.
- An employee.
Well, that is really flattering.
That's really flattering.
I figured, after all this had happened, you know, I obviously so outearn you financially, and we're on such different levels in terms of that, I felt In terms of that.
Yeah, I thought that maybe it would be uncomfortable for you, but I really would love to go back to our collaboration and figure out a way to continue to work together.
Yes, that makes sense.
So yeah, I can't really It's at a whole different level now.
Of course it's at a different level.
Not to sound condescending, because Not at all condescending - or outrageous or unjustified.
- Yeah, not at all, so I'm glad that you see it - Not at all.
- Thank you.
In fact, I don't know what took me so long to realize that What would be a better investment for you than the business you've already been involved with from the ground up? I need to offer you a partnership in Web Therapy.
What have I been thinking? Are you are you teasing me? No, of course I'm completely serious, Jerome.
I think it would be wonderful if for, say You know, we'll come up with the right number Yeah, we could be partners or half - Like, $250,000 - Okay.
- And then you could have - Half of No, a whole a whole percentage.
- Oh, a whole percentage.
- Yes.
Oh, but we be we would be owners.
We would be co-owners of Web Therapy.
Yes, we'd be co-owners.
A voting share, would be my point.
Absolutely.
You'll have one whole vote Well, that sounds like To my 99, yeah.
That sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
Good.
I'm glad you see it that way.
Obviously, I'm gonna want to have my The forensic team that looks at the accounting of the estate look at what the value is of Web Therapy, but we'll figure out what that Oh, well, if you want, but, you know, they work for you, so if this is what you want to do, you say, "make it work.
" Oh.
And that's what they're supposed That's how we've always handled our That's right.
Sure.
People who are in service to us.
- Good point.
- Yeah.
You know what? Learning curve.
Learning curve.
But I can help you through it.
I might not have, you know, the magnitude of wealth that you do - Well, we're figuring it out.
- But, you know.
Gina has a lot of ideas about what to do with the money.
Oh, well, you have to stop that.
Well, she's having some fun with it, and all of it is in All of it is in service to Angus.
That's the most important thing.
But her level of fun doesn't cost that much.
- That's the beauty of Gina.
- That's right.
You know, I think Hayley is another issue.
Well, Hayley is Is actually in Bali right now.
She said she's looking for a preschool, and she really believes that Angus needs to travel, so she's doing all the traveling first.
Oh, maybe she could attend all the schools, too, throughout his lifetime.
She's certainly And he can go to public school, where it costs nothing.
I appreciate your concern.
- That really helps.
- Yes, no- - it helps to know that we're already partners.
- Yeah.
- Let's That's a great deal, and I can't thank you enough.
It really moves me.
Can we shake on it? Sure.
Can you see me through the window? Look out your window, 'cause I'm waving at you.
- I'm shaking.
- Well I'm shake Here, you want to shake through the - Shake through Skype.
- I don't Let's do a Skype shake.
All right.
Oh, no.
We're Skype shaking.
_ Oh, hello.
You must be Maya "Gannish.
" I am.
Ganesh.
Ganesh.
Oh, okay, sorry.
Ganesh, yes.
The "nesh" is the - The important part of the name.
- Yes.
It's so lovely to meet you.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, yeah.
Oh, I was wondering if Would it be okay with you if, before we started, if I just call in the light? If you what? I'm sorry.
If I call in the light? Okay.
So just close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Okay.
Mother-father God, asking for clearing.
Fiona and I ask that you wrap us in the warmth of your light and guide us towards a place of authenticity and vulnerability.
We are your children and your daughters.
Please protect us as we go on this journey together.
Thank you.
Amen.
- That was really moving.
- Yeah.
So how do you know how to do that, I wonder.
Well, I am a yoga teacher, a meditation teacher.
Oh, okay, so all things are illuminated - Yes.
Very much so, yes.
- For me.
I'm sort of an expert in the field, if you will.
Oh, is there such a thing? - Yes.
Oh, yes.
- You know what? - This is new to me, but I'm - Oh.
You know, I'm, myself, going on sort of a "journey.
" I'm practicing being very open - Yes.
- And listening.
- That's how I found you.
- Oh.
You're a new age therapist, and so I Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
And I heard that you're intuitive.
You listen very carefully, but you also bring intuition.
Yes, that's right.
Good.
Oh, so what now, I wonder, what on earth could be the problem for you? Oh, I'm gonna like you a lot.
- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, good.
I need that.
Do you do Yelp? - Do I do who? - Yelp.
Do you offer comments on Yelp or any of those What is what is Yelp? It's this thing where people who, you know, use your services, and then they write a review, and good reviews mean, you know, there are more people for you to help on the planet.
Ah, where do they write these reviews? Where do they Online, on the Internet.
- Ah.
- You know, yeah.
Sounds dubious.
Sounds dangerous - Well - For a business owner.
Right, if it doesn't go your way, it can be, but Yes.
So I've had to sort of, you know, redirect my efforts.
- Oh, I see.
- Right.
Well, you know, my business, I run a healing center, a meditation center.
Oh.
And I I would be surprised if our "yell" comments were not positive.
Yelp.
Yelp.
Yelp.
Excuse me.
But, yeah, should be called "yell.
" Yelp! Yelp! Yelp! I get it now.
It took me it took me a moment.
Oh, I'm not as I'm not as smart as I look.
Okay, well, you look enlightened.
Oh, yes.
Well, I like to think so.
I, um I suppose that brings me to the reason I'm called forth to speak with you.
Right.
I I'm a very centered woman.
Yes.
I consider myself, you know, very at one with the vibration of the earth.
Okay.
But lately, I've been struggling.
Oh.
And I have I occasionally have a very uncomfortable feeling arise in my body.
- It makes me very warm.
- Mmhmm.
And, um, I sort of lose, um, my My composure a bit.
Oh.
I'm not sure exactly what it is.
But it's I get I I hope that people die when this happens.
I hope that I don't know.
I don't know what to call it.
Anger.
I call it anger.
- No, it's definitely not anger.
- Okay.
I mean, I'm a fucking meditation teacher.
- Right.
- You know, I teach My business is peace.
I'm not - It's not anger.
- Okay.
You know, that's exactly what Barbara said to me.
- Who's okay.
- And it's it's just not.
I mean, it's just impossible that it would be anger.
Okay, then maybe it's not anger but anger's cousin rage? First of all, I didn't You know, the purpose of this session is not to call me names, you know? You're supposed to be helping me through.
I don't have rage! Right, but I wasn't saying that you are rage.
I wasn't calling you And if I were to call you names, I would, you know, say other things.
Yes, well, I I I don't But I'm not, because I'm being a good listener.
I don't identify with that! I'm very loving.
I'm a very calm, loving Surface of a lake.
- Ow! - Okay.
- God damn it! - Oh.
My bell.
Just hang on.
I need to All better now? Oh, God.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Oh, you're welcome.
I'm happy I could help.
You you really are helpful.
You are.
But it seems like this is making you very tense and frustrated too, because Is there much at stake? Could there possibly be much at stake for, you know, the ten students you have or whatever and Barbara's mad.
Unless it's Streisand, I don't know why it's a problem.
Ah, I see your point.
Barbara is my board of directors at Golden Circles.
Golden Circles? Golden Circles.
And that's my healing center.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
She believes that I have these feelings that I need to work through, and she said that she's very concerned about our upcoming retreat because of my Whatever you want to call it.
Right, lapse in calm, glassy lake feelings.
Yes.
I just I'm sorry, but I googled you, and I could see that, yes, you're extremely well-known and very important.
I have many followers, is the thing.
I see that.
I didn't realize.
Yeah.
There's a lot at stake to get you back on track.
And, uh, I I had, you know, what you might describe as an "incident.
" Oh.
A slight problem with one of the associates.
That's a worker? I saw an entity here, and I pulled her hair.
But I To rid her of the entity you hallucinated? I didn't hallucinate it.
I saw the entity.
Oh, okay.
And she was going on and on and on and just talking rubbish.
And I saw this entity, and she really gets on my fucking nerves, this girl.
- Right.
- She's not evolved.
She's not spiritual.
So she conjures entities around her.
You can't conjure an entity.
You can attract an entity.
And there was one Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Got it.
And then, unfortuitously for me, I saw the entity on the tire of our receptionist's car, and I went after it with scissors, and she thought I punctured her tire Oh.
At will because I had yelled at her for getting messages wrong because she constantly does.
Oh, well, that's unacceptable.
Thank you, Fiona.
God, I finally Well, how are you supposed to help people if you don't get the messages? Thank you! - Right.
- Thank you! And how are you supposed to exorcise entities if you can't stab them with scissors? I'm sorry your tire got punctured Thank you.
But I rid the world of an entity.
- Thank you.
- Right.
I honestly feel, for the first time, that someone is on my level.
That's a good point.
Can I tell you something? - Yeah.
- You have a lot of insight.
- Thank you.
- All right? And I can see why you'd be really frustrated with the people around you, right? Do you ever do talks? You're very good.
- I I should - And I, you know - Do talks.
- You should.
And I have, at this retreat You know, I feel very comfortable with you.
I feel very I feel very good, and I think maybe you should come and speak at the retreat.
We have a fascinating array of speakers.
We have a chakra balancer - Oh.
- A fecalist.
- What? - A fecalist.
- Okay.
- A fecalist.
- They examine your - I don't know.
You know, if you do a basti - That's Indian for an enema - Oh.
Then they analyze the contents.
Well, that's something.
We have a feeling Sanskrit.
So you just you scan over the Sanskrit with your fingers.
Very interesting people.
And I think, you know, you're really You could bring a very grounded scientific angle.
- Right.
- You must come.
Oh.
Well I think you would really galvanize the men and women up there who are coming looking for real insight into themselves and I think I would too, but I don't do charity work, so Oh.
It's not it's not a charity.
We pay our speakers.
- Oh, you do? - Yes.
With soup or No, it's $10,000 a day plus room and board and a massage.
- For the speaker? - Yes.
And a massage? And a massage, and, of course, we clean you with sage, and we have a native American ritual to cleanse the spirit.
And that's optional? - No, that's not optional.
- Oh.
No.
But it's not it's not It's not invasive.
It's not a vaginal or anything like that.
- You have those too? - Yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, absolutely.
How many days is this? Three days, $10,000 a day.
$30,000 you know what? I'll clear my schedule for you.
Oh, fantastic.
I think you're very A person of value that I'm honored to know.
Oh, thank you.
I will have Shanti call you, then.
No, she'll email you, actually.
- Oh, I can do that.
- She'll Yelp you.
Okay.
That's funny.
And she'll give you all the information.
So you get a basti.
You get the spiritual cleansing.
You get the fecalist.
You get all of that, all included.
You'll have a wonderful time.
You'll leave feeling rejuvenated.
- Wow.
- It'll be great.
Leave all the shit behind.
Yes! Oh, is that your motto? That's funny.
- It's punny.
- It should be.
- Yeah.
- You are hilarious.
I'm very excited, okay.
If we could just do a little closing prayer.
Oh, sure.
Maybe you would do me the honor of doing our closing prayer.
I'll just if you just breathe in If you close your eyes and breathe in through your nose three times.
And then whatever comes to me? Absolutely.
One It's too loud, though.
The breathing is far too loud.
I'm breathing incorrectly? Okay.
It's not- it's supposed to be a tranquilizing breath.
Okay.
To hit the nerves up here to relax the brain, so Don't breathe so violently.
It's just it's counterintuitive, Fiona.
- Okay.
- It sounds fucking crazy too.
Well, I'll just I'll learn.
Okay, I need to learn how to breathe.
Is that an earring? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she pierced Gina pierced my ear one night.
Well, it's not there.
It's over there.
I felt the earwig.
I'm a very calm, loving Surface of a lake.
- Ow! - Okay.
- My bell.
- Oh.
Did you break your bell With your calmness? Did did your bell bounce off the surface of your lake and crack? Where's the fucking prayer, Fiona? I was I was trying to breathe.
- I have to go.
- Okay, yes.
All right, and so God Cut.
We cut.
Yeah, that's good.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade