Wizards of Waverly Place s04e01 Episode Script

Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
Oh my godness, we're back.
It's a long walk.
Yep.
For some of us.
Excluse me! My arms are tired from hanging on and trying to sere.
Your ears are really tiny but really cute.
This's well.
Oh we were stuck in that government forcibly.
I was afraid I won't see Waverly Place again.
I miss you.
There was definitely a horse parade here recently.
I must have lost 30 pounds on that walk.
Do you know how long it's going to take me to gain that back? Why is the Sub Station all boarded up? Oh, gosh.
I gotta get in there.
Oh.
I want to take a bath without somebody yelling at me, "Hey, lady, get out of my pool!" Go away, government agents! I have a soda gun and it's loaded with root beer! Harper, it's us.
We escaped from the government guys.
I'm not fallin' for that.
The real Russes are too lame to escape from anywhere.
Harper, open up.
We'd flash in there, but we don't have our powers.
We only got back by hitching rides, taking buses and a lot of walking.
You didn't walk at all.
You had me carry you like a camel.
Love.
Too lazy to walk? Aw, Alex, it really is you! Hold on, I'll let you in.
I just have to dismantle a bunch of booby traps I set to protect myself.
Hi, guys.
Oh! It's so good to be home.
Oops.
I forgot to get rid of that one.
Everying is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Um I'm gonna go check the lair.
I'm so glad you guys are safe, but aren't you worried about the government agents coming back for you? Do you really think they want anything to do with us anymore? You guys don't even have your powers.
You're nothing without them.
Nothing.
Guys, come on! There's something wrong with the portal.
I can't contact anyone in the Wizard World.
I've tried wiz-com, wiz-phone, wiz-text, and just straight up yelling into the thing.
Hello? Are you listening? Nothing but a wiz-echo.
It's just a regular echo, Mason.
We don't put "wiz" in front of everything.
Look, the wiz-mergency wiz-light is on.
This means the powers are still down.
Oh, no.
The government must have captured everyone.
This is bad.
That means they still have Professor Crumbs too.
Hello, I'd like to speak with the officer in charge.
What are you doing? I'm calling the police.
We have to do something to save the Wizard World.
Hello, officer.
Yes, I'd like to report That you are doing a great job.
Yep.
Keep it up.
Love ya.
Alex, what were you gonna tell them? Not that I love them.
People don't hear it enough.
Alex, you know you can't reveal magic.
Oh, even I know that.
That's why I just make people think I'm dumb.
So if I slip up, they figure "The kid's an idiot.
" And I slip up all the time, so who's dumb now? Alex, you can't call the police.
We just need to lay low for a while, until this blows over and do nothing.
The Wizard World is captured, and you want us to do nothing? - Fine.
- Ah! The one time we ask the laziest girl on Earth to do nothing, she wants to do something.
I'm just happy she didn't ask me to carry her up the stairs.
Dad so, uh, what's the plan? Well, we're gonna take down those boards, and we're gonna re-open for business.
OK, are we talking in code? N-no.
It's business as usual.
There's the code.
I got it, I got it.
Is anyone gonna help me with this? Well, it's nice to have you guys back.
There's gotta be something I can do to save Professor Crumbs.
For once in my life, I'm not just satisfied flipping through a magazine.
Maybe what you need is a new magazine.
Would you like to have a look at my Dogmopolitan? That's it.
That's it.
This would be a huge story in a magazine.
Or newspapers, or on TV.
OK, first things first.
I gotta get my parents out of the house.
And then, I'm gonna call a bunch of reporters over, and expose that the government is holding wizards.
What will that do? The whole world will see that wizards are people, too, and then they'll feel sorry that they're captured, and force the government to let Crumbs and the others go.
Plus, I might get my picture in a cool magazine.
Exposing wizardry? Isn't that a big no-no in the Wizard World? That would be like a werewolf bum-scooching in public.
Mason.
See? Ah.
It feels good to be back in business.
Yes.
Yes, it does, Father.
But, oh wait.
We cannot be back in business.
We are totally out of ham.
How did that happen? You you guys better go to the butcher before we get swamped by a bunch of ham lovers.
You know what? You're right.
I think it's National Ham Month.
Theresa, grab some cash and we'll go.
Get it off! Get it off me! I got it, I got it.
Careful, it takes a very steady hand to keep the trap from re-engaging.
It re-engaged! - Get it off of me! - I got it! Harper.
It snapped! It snapped! Get it off! I thought you said you got rid of all the booby traps.
That one isn't mine.
But it sure was fun watching you go, "It snapped, it snapped!" Pretty good booby trap, huh? I've got them rigged all over this place to catch any government intruders.
Max, I said "business as usual.
" And I thought that was code for "Rig this place like there's no tomorrow.
" You had better get rid of all your booby traps by the time we get home from ham shopping.
Welcome everyone.
I know that you're all here because I said.
Lady Gaga would be on a motorcycle jumping over a shark tank, but OK.
Um But that was just a front to get you here.
I have something more important to tell you.
What could be more important than Gaga? The government has unfairly taken a whole population of wizards hostage.
That's right, wizards.
Wizards.
I know because I'm a wizard, too.
Alex? Wizards? Like, with magical powers? No, no.
Wizards.
Powers.
This is a prank, and you all fell for it.
You were like OK, it's time to go now.
You can all leave.
Go.
No, it's true.
It's true.
And those are my brothers.
They're wizards, too.
And I'm a werewolf.
Alex, what are you doing? I hope she doesn't tell them we have wands.
And we have wands.
If the government hadn't turned off my powers, I'd be able to turn that pen you're holding into a snake.
My powers are back! Oh, my gosh! And you all just saw I'm a wizard.
She is a wizard! This is amazing.
Wizardry exists! Now, go spread the word, so that we can save the Wizard World.
Go on! Go.
Professor Crumbs? Did you just What happened with the swirling and the reporters and You have gotta teach me that! Alex Russo, you broke the ultimate wizard rule: You exposed magic to the world.
Or rather, attempted to.
No, no, no, no.
I I was trying to save you.
You were trapped with all the others.
That whole secret government facility was a creation of my fertile imagination.
What? So, you just made all of that up? Who does that? The boss man does.
It was a test.
A test to see if you were worthy of becoming a full wizard.
You failed miserably.
A test? Wow.
This wizard training thing has gotten a lot tougher since I did it.
So all those reporters weren't actually here? Mere ions from my wand.
Although I am guilty of going gaga for Lady Gaga.
Wait.
We got thrown in jail, escaped, struggled home for 2,000 miles, for a wizard test? Oh, ho.
You owe me a new pair of shoes, boss man.
Agreed.
Will these strappy sandals do? Oh! They're cute! Alex, I'll see you in Wizard Court to face the charges for exposing magic.
It's the greatest crime anyone can commit.
I tried to stop her.
Justin Russo, I'll see you in Wizard Court as well.
Pardon me? For exposing wizardry to Agent Lamwood.
To stop aliens from attacking the Earth.
Aliens.
As if.
Professor! What were you thinking? Um, I think we're in the wrong place.
Nope, this is Wizard Court.
Wizards are very efficient and like to do all their court stuff in one place.
Basketball court, tennis court.
Today at four o'clock, Wizard's Court.
It's four o'clock.
Oh, man! Why isn't there a food court? That is a court.
Oh.
It's Wizard Court already.
I guess I stretched for nothing.
We will play a rematch later.
All right.
Everybody, please take their seat.
Court is in session.
Professor Crumbs is my judge.
What was I worried about? I've talked circles around that guy tons of times.
May I introduce our endless panel of judges? Oh, yeah.
That's a lot of judges to talk circles around.
Alex and Justin Russo are charged with exposing wizardry to the world.
Justin Russo has requested to defend himself.
Thanks, Mom.
Alex Russo, meet your lawyer, Mr.
Loser.
Seriously? I get a lawyer named Mr.
Loser? What's your first name? It's Bigtime.
Bigtime Loser? Come on! Alex, give him a chance.
He might be good.
My client would like to plead guilty.
I mean, not guilty.
I mean, double dribble.
Double fault.
I'm not good at this.
I quit.
I am such a loser! Don't worry, Alex.
You don't need that bigtime loser.
I'm gonna do what you do best and lie like crazy.
Aw, I love it when we share things.
Miss Russo, take the stand.
Yes.
Yes, Your Honor.
Can I say, you look so handsome in your little tennis get-up.
You don't look a day over 800 years old.
I know, I look good.
- Don't push it, Miss Russo.
- OK.
Now, is it true that you were held in a secret government facility? Secret government facility? No.
No, I was never in a secret government facility because it never existed.
I beg to differ.
Well, I beg for table scraps.
Let's review the evidence, shall we? Bring out the crystal replay ball.
We're gonna watch TV? Oh, now I really wish they had a food court.
I can't watch TV without a corn dog.
Here.
I was saving it to keep you quiet at church.
Just eat it.
Judges, I have proof that Alex Russo was held in a jail cell at the government facility.
Dad, I have my hidden mini-wand in my boot.
I can get us out of here.
What do you have to say for yourself now, Miss Russo? That thing gets a really good picture.
I can't find my last booby trap.
Can you help me find it? Oh, no.
I don't want any part of that.
After everything that's been going on, all I want to do is sit and relax.
Max.
Does your trap include your clothes hamper mounted to the ceiling? Yeah, it does.
Let me know if you see that, by the way.
Oh, that's it! Now, listen, Harper, when you get up, a pile of dirty clothes, snacks I didn't finish, bathroom floor hair and banana peels will smother you.
It's like my own personal avalanche of filth.
Oh, man.
What a predicament I'm in.
- It's bad.
- Yeah, it's But, you know, I have to go to the bathroom.
Hey, why don't you sit here for a second? Then I'll come back, and then I'll figure this out.
- Yeah.
- Yeah! I guess we can make that work.
Let's bum-scooch on three.
And then you're gonna come right bk, right? Yeah, I'm gonna be right back.
One two Three.
- Ciao, man.
- Nice.
That was a good bum-scooch.
OK, I'm gonna be back.
- Right back.
- Yeah.
Hey, yo, taxi! Mr.
Russo, if you are prepared to defend yourself, you may proceed.
The defense calls Justin Russo.
I'm sorry, Justin.
I had to bring you in for this.
Now I cross to the witness box and I answer.
I understand.
Then I'm the lawyer again.
You know something, Justin? Quite frankly, you are the most trustworthy, honest guy that I know.
And I find it unfathomable that you could ever expose magic.
Now go to the witness box.
This is good.
This is good! I agree, Justin.
It is unfathomable.
Stop this! You're driving me crazy with this back and forth.
Duplicate yourself.
You're making me go Of course, sir.
Edgebono-utoosis.
Gentlemen of the basketball, tennis, and Wizard Court.
I ask you, are we certain that Justin was the one who exposed wizardry? Or, perhaps could it have been someone who merely looked like him? Or, was it someone who looked like me? You're good.
You even got me convinced I'm innocent.
My client has admitted guilt.
What? The crystal replay ball, please! I'm a wizard.
And I rest my case.
Why are you doing this to me? Because I'm Justin and you know me better than anyone.
You know that I abide by truth and justice.
And I admire you for that.
Very well, I think we've heard enough.
The judges will now deliberate at length.
What's that? You have a verdict already? Oh, that's never good.
Judges, input your ruling.
Really?! Please stand for sentencing.
Alex Russo, you are now demoted from level three down to level one in your family wizard competition.
But that's all the way back to the beginning.
And Justin Russo, you have been demoted from level five back to level one.
Level one? But Max is a level three.
How are we gonna catch up to him? It will be nearly impossible.
There was only one sibling who passed my test who did not expose wizardry.
And it appears most likely that Max Russo will be the next family wizard.
- No! - Come on! Um, excuse me, Your Honor, Professor Crumbs.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Max can be a little unpredictable.
Oh, come on now.
I'm sure Max is on his way to becoming an outstanding citizen.
Let me show the court what this young man is all about.
Wait, why am I sitting here again? Buried in my own avalanche of filth.
I love it.
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
Wow.
I can see why you are concerned.
However, the penalty is set.
Game.
Set.
Match.
I'm off to tennis.
I really thought I was gonna be the family wizard.
And I really thought that some way, somehow, I was gonna cheat you out of being the family wizard.
Max.
Max! Whassup? Look, we have something important to tell you.
It looks like you are going to be the family wizard.
Really? What about you guys? We got penalized, and now you're way ahead.
Well, then, that settles it.
I'm gonna be the family wizard.
Now who wants to help me reload the hamper so we can celebrate? Follow me.
Come on, where are you guys going? It's really easy Hey, yo! Taxi!