Workaholics s04e01 Episode Script

Dude, these EDM fests are insane, man.
Look at this, dude.
We gotta go.
I say we give up our rock star lifestyles and go straight electronic, dude.
Uh, I don't know if I can sign off on that.
I got a bunch of unplugged albums that I'm still spinning heavily.
The Alanis ones? Unreal.
Wow.
God, though, look at these neon titties.
They're blinding.
That's, like, exactly how I'd like to go blind.
If I were to.
Yes.
And I-I want you to go blind, trust me - Yes.
- But, dude, 160 bucks a ticket? - That's a crime.
- Um, excuse me.
Is something wrong with y'all modem? Sound like an android freak Nik over here.
Just because you don't like something, doesn't mean that it's bad.
And also, [Bleep.]
You.
Everything that you like sucks.
Listen, Colleen's having another baby.
You understand? She driving me crazy right now.
I gotta get out this house.
What y'all doing this weekend? Oh, not not doing anything with you, I wouldn't think.
No.
Probably just sitting at home wishing we were at this electronic music festival.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
That sounds like a good-ass time.
Count me in.
Can I roll with y'all? In what world would we hang out with you on the weekends? - Not earth.
- Uh-uh.
Listen.
Y'all don't understand what's going on.
She is farting all the time, she's making me babyproof stuff.
I gotta get out this house! I'll do anything to get out this house! I'll suck y'all [Bleep.]
to get out this house.
- Whoa.
- Okay, all right.
You don't need to suck our [Bleep.]
- To go with us.
- No, no, no.
It's because, you know, that's a thing from the '90s.
You just say, you know, "I'm gonna suck your ," but you don't really mean that.
It seems like you said it like you really wanted to.
Y'all "misconstruding" everything I'm saying right now.
I'ma get the tickets and whatever y'all need.
Just let me go with y'all.
- Yes.
Fine.
- Yeah, yeah.
That would actually be cool.
Just don't suck our [Bleep.]
, please.
Yes! Wait, actually, one thing.
Bill and Waymond are going car shopping.
They're trying to get matching Nissans and they need my negotiating skills at the dealership, you know? Cool story.
Go buy those tickets.
And keep our [Bleep.]
out your mouth.
- Yeah.
- I'll get the tickets.
Y'all cut them loose.
That's the deal.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
You're welcome.
Negotiating skills.
- We're going.
- We're going.
- We're going! - You're going! - We're going.
- And you're going.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Oh, oh.
Teach me how to do that.
- Oh.
- It's just an energy ball.
- What is it? - It's an energy ball.
I'm fresh.
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta you gotta be fresh.
Are you sure we can't come with to the ddt thing? Yeah, I am sure about that because you don't even know the name of it.
Because it's you're an old dude.
- "Ddt"? - He said "ddt.
" - I'd love to go to a ddt thing.
- Oh yeah.
- Like, a festival.
- It's a wrestling move.
- Yeah, it's a wrestling move.
- Summerslam's coming up.
So you're you're okay with it? - We're straight.
- All right.
Just Tez being Tez, you know? We're just kinda, like, telling you, but whatever.
Sandwich time.
- Cool.
- I'm gonna get a string cheese.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Are you sure you're okay? - I said I'm fine! - Okay.
I see, uh, ooh, mootown snackers.
- Nice.
Mmm.
- They still make those, I guess.
Ooh.
Oh! Did you hear that drop, dude? Mm! I'm calling it "the Ders effect.
" - Whoa.
Cool.
- Yeah.
- You're a DJ.
- Spinning.
And guess what my DJ name is.
DJ Ango.
What? Very cool.
Cool, yeah.
- Right? - I don't I don't get it, but I'm pumped that you're pumped.
I'm pumped about that.
DJ Ango.
Django.
Jamie Foxx.
I still don't understand, but, honestly, let's get real for a second.
What are we thinking? That's pretty sicky gnar.
- Yeah.
- Right? - Hair.
- Yeah, well, it's it does and you know yes, it is hairy, but I'm harvesting energy, and I'm storing it here in my core.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah.
- Yeah, 'cause I have, like, a dance body, right? Yeah.
But I need to maintain the core so I don't hurt myself out there on the raver floor because it gets pretty wild, man.
- Yeah.
- It gets wild, 'cause all this energy's tossing around.
You're gonna throw it over here and you gotta catch it.
And you swallow it like a little seed, and now it's in your belly.
Now it's in your belly, and then you just uhhh! And you blast with all the energy, like a little flower.
Hopefully, girls will sniff that energy flower, you know? They'll they will.
- Ooh hoo! - Someone at the yeah! All right, man.
I think that's Karl.
He's bringing us some party supplies for the festiv-lay.
Yes! - Way cool.
- Whoo! Energy.
- What is that? - It's an energy thing.
- Oh, that's more energy.
- Yes, energy.
It's a total energy thing, man.
Cool.
What's up, Duke? - Ew, you smell.
- Thank you.
Hey, man, where's your ex-girlfriend? Molly? At? No.
I don't know a Molly.
I think he's talking about Molly, the drug.
It's like ecstasy, but but it's, like, different somehow, no one knows.
No, I think I know Blake a little bit better than you, Adam, and I think he's talking about a chick named Molly, right? Oh, no, I'm talking about the drug.
I want drugs.
Give 'em to me.
That's what you're here for, bud.
Yeah, of course I have that Molly.
Right here, man.
All right.
Gimme, gimme.
So you're going to a rave, huh? You cannot join us, though.
All right, look, if you want the Molly, okay, then you need to chant the Raver's prayer with me.
Okay, ready? And here we go.
We are one massive tribal village say it with me.
That transcends manmade law Dude, come on.
Can I just, um can I just get the stuff? I'll give you this popsicle, man.
Your your dead eye has been looking at it the whole time.
Yeah, I feel I feel like that's a good deal.
- Yeah, all right.
Cool.
- There you go.
Let me get that.
And there you go.
Come on.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! There you go, you dirty bitch.
- Molly.
- Molly! Hit us with the Ders effect.
- Wassup? - Where y'all been? I called y'all 15 times.
Did you get my voicemails? And why do you look like gay predator? Do voicemails still exist? You are old, dude.
Ah, plus I'd never give you my real number because I hate you as a person.
Where are the tickets? Yeah.
Man, Colleen got me sticking around this baby shower, okay? I told her this is girl stuff, but she almost came out the bag on me.
Okay, well, how far along are we in this baby process? Can we maybe Can we abort the baby? Let's just we'll bring you back a glow stick, okay? We'll see you around.
You know what? Quite frankly, this might work out better for us.
Get the tickets, keep it to the three amigos.
- Yep.
- Oh, I like that.
Energy.
The tickets are under "Walker" at will call.
If I don't go, none of us are getting in.
That is why I think we should keep it the four amigos, right? - Yeah.
- The four of us together.
- Yeah, get in.
- Get in here.
This is an energy thing we're doing no, y'all don't get it, man.
Colleen going crazy over this child.
She already redecorated the nursery, got some expensive-ass doula to deliver the baby, and to top it all off, she wants to do something called "orgasmic water birth.
" - Well, what what - I'm sorry? - Okay, come again? - Ew.
It's when she busts a nut when the baby flop out.
Oh! It could be hot, could be not.
It's too much, man.
Ugh, that sounds disgusting.
Not the orgasming part that sounds cool but, like, the baby part because they ruin "verginas.
" "Verginas.
" Wait, who makes her bust, you or the baby? I don't know.
God damn it, man! I'm just about to drink this whole jug of Molly water and strawberry soda.
At least I'd die in ecstasy.
- You should do it.
- You should do it.
- Dude, this sucks! - Should I? I had my massive Ders effect drops, right? - And now DJ Ango is chained.
- He's chained.
He's never getting out.
Yeah, the DJ is fully chained.
And I was gonna have a natural dance body that was gonna be showin' off.
I was planting seeds, I was gonna exude energy, and, you know, have my flower bloom.
But a stupid baby ruined it! Stupid baby.
I hate babies.
It's not fair! I know, I know, I know.
You know, all we need is, like, a big distraction so that we can sneak Tez out and go to the festival.
That's all we need.
- Everybody freeze! - Whoo! This is the party police.
I'm Adam, this is Ders and Blake, and we are the party police! Wait, no, we are the fiesta boys! Yes, we are not police.
We are The fiesta boys.
But I was hired by Tez to police this party and "turnt" it up.
I'm a party policeman! Let's "turnt" this party out! Okay, we're not police, so please, head to the backyard for a dance party.
Everybody, go ahead.
Yeah.
Follow me in a conga line.
Yeah, or it's a police lineup! Come on! It's not my fault Actually, um, if you could just play it cool, we're setting up a distraction.
We're gonna get you out of here, all right? - Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- All right! - Hey, beautiful.
- Look, I'm not interested in what's going on around here, okay? You know, I'm eight months pregnant, I'm sweating like a hog, and I'm craving fried bologna like a mother.
Okay, okay, all that aside, I'm going to give you a terrific baby shower, okay? Let me do that for you.
It's Colleen, right? Yes.
I remembered.
All right, ladies.
Come on over and try my world famous rancho cucamonga skinny girl mojitos.
They are very, very delicious.
They're good.
Oh, and later on, DJ Ango's gonna be spinning with some really killer tunes.
That is correct! And the first cup, my little test subject.
Try it out.
Mm.
Oh, my goodness.
Whoo, that is really strong.
Do you have anything to mix this with? Yes, it's strong, but skinny.
And girls like that.
Come on, now.
And if anyone needs any more pacifiers or glow sticks, I'm your guy.
Gimme that.
Little vagina-ruiner.
I'll just pass this stuff out now.
We really need something to mix this with.
Okay, you're hurting my feelings.
Please stop.
Okay.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
My name is DJ Ango.
Get it? Django uncha anyway, I am the cause, and with every cause, there is a Ders effect.
Pow! - Ooh! Oh! - Yeah! I guess somebody's gonna have to get the party started.
From the wall to the wall, get down, y'all.
Let's turn this party out.
Out, or? "Turnt" it - "Turnt" it out.
- "Turnted-ed" it out! It's in right now.
Yeah, drink, drink, drink, drink.
Drink, ladies.
Looking good.
How is it, huh? Be honest.
Oh, you like it, 'cause it's gone.
Awesome.
Lady in the pink, drink that drink, and people, let's dance, dance, dance our pants off.
Feelin', feelin', feelin', feelin' No, no, no, no! Ders, pause it.
I cpa you can't just do it's an iPod, man.
You're not doing anything up there.
What? Excuse me? One of these stupid [Bleep.]
moms poured all my Molly water into the punch.
I'm leaving.
I'm done.
I quit.
This is it.
But you dude, you're saying all these ladies are rolling right now.
Don't you understand? That's the most perfect gross distraction that we could never think of.
How? You know what? Don't tell me the details.
Just tell me where I need to dance.
- Right in front of the group.
- Okay.
That's be great.
Yeah.
Whoo! You feelin' it? Energy.
I'm in love with a I'm in love with a I'm with in love with a monster [Bleep.]
! - Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Okay.
Magic Mike in this situation.
That's a little rough, please.
You guys feel the energy? Everyone, all right.
Show that baby some love.
Let's b-b-bump that baby bump.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go.
Bump up on that baby bump yeah you gotta bump up on that baby bump.
Bump up on that baby bump.
Yep.
Bump up on that baby bump.
You gotta bump up on that baby bump.
- Uh-huh.
- Bump up on that baby bump.
Hey, Montez, where are you going? Montez, get back here.
Would you please just get off of me? - What are you doing? - The music stopped.
- I'm not done dancing.
- The music stopped and your dancing is a joke.
Yeah, okay, my dancing's a joke.
I'll show you a joke.
- Up and over.
Yep.
- Ugh what? Muscles from brussels.
Right here.
Oh, God! Oh! Ew! Ew! You squirted in my eyes! I didn't even know that could happen outside of porno.
My water just broke, you idiot.
This is baby gravy? Éi doula, doula.
I've gotta meet my doula at the zen water birth center.
I can still taste it in my mouth.
Montez, get the car.
My water broke.
What? Montez! Big man down.
Dang it, man, this sucks.
Hey, Montez, are you okay back there? Great, no, that I think he said he's okay.
Oh, God, my contractions are getting closer.
Could you just shut up and get me to the birthing center? Hey, bitch, it ain't all about you.
Adam, chill, all right? I can still taste it in my mouth.
Hey, Colleen, baby, and Colleen's baby, would you mind if we just have a little privacy? We need to call a dude meeting.
Just a little bit of privacy, okay? - What the hell? - Thank you so mu - Shh.
- First order of dude meeting: Ders, pull over on the side of the road so I can get shotgun, 'cause no offense, Blake, it is horrible back here.
It's all sticky and wet.
None taken.
It isn't great, okay, but I can't help but notice that we are not headed towards the festival.
No, we're not.
Opposite direction.
What if hear me out what if Colleen gives birth at the music festival medical tent? - Let's do it, let's do it.
- That'd be awesome.
Okay, I'm just calling off the dude meeting.
Dude meeting over and how are you, sweetie? Keep breathing.
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
One, two- - wait, where are we going? This is the wrong way.
Where are you going? No, no, no.
Don't worry about anything except navigating the baby out of your belly.
I'll handle the driving directions, okay? Make this car head north or I will [Bleep.]
kill you.
Okay, guys, I'm turning it around.
Hey, Ders, what about, I don't know, dare I say, the Ders effect? Okay, we are going to the EDM festival.
Here we go.
Yeah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Get me to the zen suite now! Okay, guys, there is a baby.
We gotta get zen, we just gotta.
You could have sex-tasy on ecstasy.
- Ooh, I like that.
- Yeah.
God, the baby is coming now! Now! Now? I just need to get to a pool.
Get me to a pool! I got you on the pool, baby.
Here we go.
All right, so The pool's not regulation size.
It's 25 yards.
I hope that's okay.
- I don't care, that's fine.
- Nope.
I cannot be a part of this birthing atrocity.
It's disgusting.
Give me the keys.
I'm gonna wait in the car.
Adam, if you bail on us now, you're out of the fiesta boys.
Okay? And me and Ders talked about it.
It's a real thing we're doing on weekends now.
You know what? You call it the party police and I'm back in the group.
We will call it the police boys and you have a deal.
It's a deal.
- All right, cool.
- Cool.
Deals, deals, deals, everywhere.
Hey, so we want a membership for sure, but we're just gonna show ourselves around, you know I'd be happy to show you around.
No, we're good.
Just need y'all to fill these forms out.
Just give us a [Bleep.]
tour.
We have 15 treadmills all equipped with over 30 channels of high-definition cable TV.
You guys see homeland? Our computers log all your nutrition and workout data so you can keep a health history.
Okay.
- Pretty cool, right? - No.
Over 8,000 pounds of rock-hard steel metal right here.
Spotify me, bro.
Oh, nice! Comfy bench, real metal, very cool.
One, two Yep, this is a normal amount of weight.
This is a normal amount of weight for me.
Yep.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on! I'm going as fast as I can.
Okay, well, just try to waddle faster or whatever.
Okay, everybody out! This girl's about to have a baby.
That's not a joke.
You too, sir.
Come on.
I get out when I feel.
Okay.
I don't know.
This Dracula dude is staying put.
- Does this work? - Okay, so, um Big breaths, right? I think.
Like Right.
Is it out? Please tell me it's out.
The gym dude is coming.
- It doesn't - Nope.
Not out.
Yeah, no, I don't see it in there anywhere.
Oh, this is happening! You guys need to get in here and help me! Okay, okay, look.
Just breathe.
We can do this.
All right? We're doing it? - Wait, what? - We're gonna do okay.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, we got this.
Just breathe.
It's fine.
No, Montez needs to be here.
I'm supposed to have an orgasm.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
A female orgasm? Didn't they myth-bust that? Anders, I need you to I need you to work down South.
I need you to go to Texas and rub there.
My name is Anders, and fine, I will.
Fine.
You take the west coast.
I need some kissing on the ears.
Okay.
Oh, God, and then someone's gotta play with The fellas over here.
Okeydoke.
I'm a nipple guy, so.
Oh, my God, I'm in there.
I think I feel the baby.
Ew.
- That's not a baby.
- That's not a that's the other hole.
Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- I'm working 'em hard.
- Okay.
- Hot nips.
- I'm in there.
- Rubbin' 'em.
- Okay, this isn't working.
I gotta think of something else.
I gotta go to my happy place.
I've done this.
I had a girlfriend once.
I did this to her.
- Pasta, ice cream - These are my you guys suck.
Jesus, have you never touched a woman before? - N-numerous women.
- A woman? Hey! Get up off my wife! Baby, I'm here.
Where have you been? I'm so sorry, baby.
They drugged me.
You ready to do this? Yes, let's do it.
Oh, girl, I'm so sorry.
They don't know how to get you going.
They didn't know what they were doing.
I know, baby.
They were like [Bleep.]
amateurs.
They're idiots.
I think they're gay.
- I know.
- Oh, God.
This man know how to touch woman, yeah.
- It's blast-off time! - Okay, let's do this.
Yeah, that's it! It's happening.
It's happening! It's coming.
I'm [Bleep.]
.
It's coming.
I'm [Bleep.]
.
Oh! Is that it? - Did it happen? - Is that it? Somebody get it! Get it! - Oh, oh! - Adam, go! Adam? Adam! Yeah, oh no.
It's slippery.
Get our baby now! I got him! I got the baby! I got the baby.
He's like a sweet little prince.
Cancan we see him? I want one.
Oh, cutie.
Let's go.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at that.
So pretty.
The boys are fresh.
He's insane.
I really wanna thank you guys for what you did out there, and if it's okay with Colleen, I'm gonna name this little tiger after y'all.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you kidding me? - That's very cool.
Very cool of you.
That's great but, like, what are you thinking? Like, Blader Bladerdam? Or, like, Dersadablake? No.
I'm gonna name him "y'all.
" - Y'all.
- Oh.
Y'all Walker.
Huh, oh, that's that's stupid.
Yeah, it's a perfect name for a perfect little prince.
Yeah.
- That is an honor.
- Yes.
We thank you.
But it might be more of an honor to still get us those tickets to the festival.
You can go.
You can go to the concert.
Go to the concert.
I'll just meet the doula.
- Wow, she is cool, man.
- Great.
Y'all need to find one of these.
- Thank you.
- That's cool.
She jacked me off that one time.
Cool.
So cool.
Okay, well, seeing as how I let you guys have a baby here, maybe we can get back to talking about memberships.
No, I think we're cool.
Okay, driving a hard bargain here, huh? All right, I can give you guys three months free under a family membership.
That includes free day care for little one and you can start to shave off some of that baby weight in our state-of-the-art spinning class.
What do you say? We got a deal? You calling my wife fat? Absolutely not.
I apologize.
You trying to get your ass beat right now.
Have a good day.
I would leave before you get your ass beat.
I'm sorry.
I would leave before you get your ass beat.
- Bye, Scott.
- Tough, Tez.
It's funny because he doesn't know how much of a bitch you are.
- I love you, baby.
- Mm-hmm.
I love you too, baby.
Okay, hey.
He's got my eyes.
He's got your penis.
Bully! - Could could - Please, not so hard.
Oh, I poked his eye.
Yeah, the skull is still soft.
Yeah, the back is soft back here.
- Okay, don't don't - You can push it right in.
No, don't.
Tickets for Montez Walker, please? Walker.
Oh, looks like those were already picked up.
What? What? How's that even possible? Yo, Tez, thanks for the tickets.
Bill? How you even get in there? LALALA-LA-LA-LA-LA! He doesn't even look like me.
I'm rollin' so hard right now.
I'm [Bleep.]
peaking.
Nice.