You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s04e01 Episode Script

1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz And at the Troc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (Man ) In these days of short skirts, bareback jazzers and loose morals, it seems there has never been so much envy.
Which brings me to the third deadly sin, lust.
In the first epistle of St Peter, chapter 2 verse 11, we read, "Abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul.
" I'm reminded of the story of a fellow student at theological college who inadvertently went into a house of ill-repute.
What's a house of ill-repute? Shh! He sat down at a table and he ordered a cup of coffee and a devil on horseback.
Oh, it's a café.
- Ivy, be quiet! -" Oh dear," said the waitress.
"I've never been asked for that before.
I shall have to call the proprietor.
" And as she walked away, he suddenly realised that her dress was scarlet.
And very short behind at the back.
And, on looking round the room, he discovered that there were several other young girls lounging around in provocative clothing.
And suddenly it dawned on him.
He was not in a restaurant at all.
He was in a house of ill-repute.
And he lefthe left, paying only for his cup of coffee.
Fleshly lusts had warred against his soul and he had won.
Which brings me to the fourth deadly sin, avarice.
It's been 43 minutes and he's got three sins to go.
Ralph, behave.
God knows how long he'll take over sloth.
Look at Grandma.
She's praying.
Oh, no, she's not.
(Sucking) And I'm reminded of the story of a poor labouring-type fellow who was walking along the street when suddenly he saw a shilling in the gutter.
He picked it up and looked at the shining coin in his hand and thought what he could do with such riches.
And I want to ask each one of you here today, to examine your hearts and ask yourself, if you had been that poor man, what would you have done with that shilling? (Thinking) Bought two pounds of liquorice all-sorts.
I can't remember the last time I had a shilling in my hand.
If I had one, I'd be straight down the Red Lion.
Oh, he's so holy.
His bald head shines just like a halo.
I wonder if he polishes it.
Conscience is like a babbling brook which grows into a stream and then into a mighty river, with the waters rushing on and on, until at last they go crashing over the waterfall.
- Oh dear, oh dear.
- Shh! You'll have to wait.
(Vicar) To quote the Bard of Avon, "Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
" (Shoes squeaking) (Squeaking) (Squeaking) (Rapid squeaks ) What's going on, Mabel? I went round to the house for my Sunday dinner and it was all deserted.
- Just like the Mary Celeste.
- Shh! I'll tell you later.
I see I've been addressing you for 35 minutes.
- His watch has stopped.
- Ralph, please! I will preach again next Sunday, so we'll have sloth, anger and gluttony then.
That will be something to look forward to.
But for the moment, we'll, as it were, call it a day.
- Amen.
- ( # Organ plays ) - Ivy, get your money ready.
- Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
- Henry? - Got it.
Not enough.
(Congregation ) # Praise my soul, the king of heaven - Pick it up.
- It's ever so dark.
Get on with it! Dad, have you got a light? (Strikes match) Ivy I think you've set my trousers on fire.
# Praise him, praise him Widely yet his mercy flows Very nice, I'm sure, Bishop.
Does the Bible say anything against gin? Well, it doesn't mention it by name.
Then I shall come next week and listen to you on gluttony.
If everyone's come to church, who's cooking Sunday dinner? There isn't going to be any.
It's Self-Denial Sunday.
They had dry toast for breakfast and they're having sandwiches for lunch.
His lordship is giving the money saved to Miss Cissy's soup kitchen.
No Sunday dinner? What am I supposed to do? It's blasphemy.
Did you see the back of Mr Teddy's neck when the vicar read the banns? I went all red like a lobster.
Poor Mr Teddy.
He's so in love with Rose.
Love's got nothing to do with it.
Miss Cartwright's got pots of money.
- I'd marry her like a shot.
- You'd sell your soul to the devil.
Oh, yeah? Are you buying? - Very nice service, Charles.
- Thank you.
Oh, it was so wonderful to hear the banns read out, wasn't it, Teddy Bear? In two weeks' time, we shall be going through that door.
Together.
I shall be dressed in white, carrying a bouquet.
And you'll look, oh, so handsome in a top hat.
Just think! I've thought of nothing else.
- Will you take a little water? - Where's the champagne? - We always have champagne on Sunday.
- Not this Sunday, Teddy.
The money your brother is saving will run Cissy's soup kitchen for a whole week.
Couldn't we send them a bally cheque? The whole point is, Uncle Teddy, by denying ourselves, we can understand how poor people feel.
Poor people don't drink champagne.
No, Teddy.
It's so that we all get personally involved.
Teddy's awfully good at getting personally involved.
Aren't you, Teddy Bear? Tell you what, why don't we all go down to the soup kitchen and help? - Then we'll be even more involved.
- What a wonderful idea.
- Don't you think so, George? - I suppose so.
- I usually go to the club.
- Daddy, you could miss it just for once.
- Why don't you come, Grandmother? - Certainly not! If I'm going to eat soup, I'm going to eat it in the dining room.
- Shall we serve the repast now, sir? - Yes, please.
(Low chatter) Good Lord.
What's in them? Shippam's fish paste and Shippam's meat paste.
Sir.
Well, tuck in, everybody.
Does anybody want tomato sauce? Corton 1912, is this the one? Yeah, take the cork out and don't shake the bottle.
Are we gonna drink it straightaway, Mr Stokes? Shouldn't it breathe first? If I'd known you were coming to lunch, I'd have brought two bottles up.
It's sacrilege drinking that fine Burgundy as if it were beer.
Not that you should be drinking it.
What would his lordship say if he found those in the dustbin? When did you last see a member of the House of Lords with his head in a dustbin? Would his lordship care to approve the wine? Thank you, Livingstone.
You really think a lot of yourself, don't you, aping your betters? Just practising for the day when I'm sat up there and they're serving me.
- You may pour, Livingstone.
- Livingstone? That's no name for a servant.
- Is that your real name? - No, the name of the street I was left in.
He was dumped on the steps of the orphanage in a laundry hamper.
- Weren't you, Henry? - That's right.
Lucky they didn't call you Basket.
I've taken the coffee up.
They're all sitting round looking starving.
Like cannibals who can't find a missionary.
I'm not surprised.
There weren't enough sandwiches up there to keep a fly alive.
- They're the ones denying themselves.
- Your dinner's in the oven, Ivy.
- Lovely, what is it? - Roast loin of pork.
Roast potatoes.
Brussels sprouts.
Apple sauce.
Onion gravy.
And not forgetting Mrs Lipton's famous crackling! - Melts in the mouth, does it? - Mabel, I've saved something for you.
- What? - The crusts I cut off the sandwiches.
They make very nice breadcrumbs to put round fish.
I haven't got any fish.
I saved those cods' heads for you from Friday.
Oh, that'll be nice.
If I put plenty of breadcrumbs around them, I won't see the eyes staring at me.
They're quite right to make such a fuss about your crackling, Mrs Lipton.
- It looks wonderful.
- To Mrs Lipton's lovely bit of crackling! - Thank you, Constable.
- What's the matter, James? - Didn't you get any crackling? - It's outrageous we're sitting down here, guzzling ourselves, while the family are up there hungry.
- It's not my fault they're self-denying.
- It's for the poor! We are the poor! Any more sprouts, Mrs Lipton? They're in a terrible state up there.
His lordship took four lumps of sugar with his coffee.
The Bishop found an old peppermint in his breeches, blew the fluff off and, when nobody was looking, popped it in his mouth.
Lady Lavender went upstairs to see if her parrot had eaten all its peanuts! Poor Mr Teddy, he just sat there, looking into space.
Well, he cant get out of the wedding now.
They've published the banns.
They could have him for breach of promise.
It must be terrible to have to marry somebody you don't love.
It's all a question of duty, Ivy.
Promises have been made and undertakings given.
Not only that.
He had a go at her in the guest room.
I tell a lie.
She had a go at him.
Mr Teddy won't be happy with Miss Cartwright.
He loves Rose.
With the upper classes, happiness is a secondary consideration.
They're more concerned with the blood line.
Where would the Royal Family be today if they married commoners? You make it sound like breeding horses.
If you put a saddle over Miss Cartwright, she'd do all right in the Grand National.
Henry, leave the room! Can I have my crackling? I must see you, Agatha.
I want you so badly, it's driving me insane.
It's driving me insane as well, darling.
But what can I do? Ralph won't let me out of his sight.
Surely he can't be jealous of me.
He thinks I got shot in the artillery.
- During the war.
- He's not worried about that.
But he's still jealous.
- He says you leer at me.
- Leer? - I've never leered at anybody in my life.
- He says you undress me with your eyes.
- You were doing it yesterday.
- What, in church? Yes, and all that lust stuff the Bishop was going on about, it's made Ralph very edgy.
Never mind about all that.
Tomorrow night, we are all helping at Cissy's soup kitchen.
- You come down and we can have dinner.
- What? In the soup kitchen? No, no, it's down by the docks.
By Limehouse.
We can go to one of those Chinese eating houses and have warm nooky.
- I beg your pardon.
- It's a drink, darling.
- Sort of rice wine.
- Oh, you mean sake! - Yes.
- But that's Japanese.
Same thing.
It's alleastern.
- Just tell Ralph you're helping the poor.
- I have to be terribly careful.
- He's so jealous.
- Agatha, who are you talking to? - The milkman.
- The milkman? Why is the milkman jealous? Well He's from the Express Dairy.
He thinks I want to change to the United.
Eight pints a day for the rest of the week, please.
Eight? Do you think I'm made of money? Are you going to bath in it? Give me that phone.
Give it to me.
Hello, milkman.
- What's the matter? Are you there? - (Clears throat) - (Cockney ) Yes, guv'nor.
- Ignore my wife.
- Change that to two pints a day.
- Yes, guv'nor.
- And another thing.
- Yes, guv'nor.
If my wife wants to change to United Dairies, it's got nothing to do with you! Right you are, guv'nor.
Kindly keep your nose out of my business.
Yes, guv'nor.
George, I've just been to Harrods with Madge.
It's terrible.
- Really? It was all right last week.
- No, no! She was shopping for her trousseau.
I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
- She was buying underthings.
- What sort of underthings? You know, the sort of things that youput under things.
Bring them in.
Put them down.
Oh, we've had a wonderful day, haven't we, Teddy? Unwrap them.
I want you to see what I bought, George.
All Teddy's favourite things.
Aren't they, Teddy Bear? It's lovely stuff.
Feel! Ivy, servants do not feel intimate things belonging to their mistresses.
Come here.
Hold it up, Ivy, so that Lord Meldrum can see what I'm going to be wearing on my honeymoon.
- Rather daring, isn't it? - Ivy, wrong way round.
Sorry! You're longer than me, Miss Cartwright, so it will hang like this and show your ankles.
That will do.
Miss Cartwright doesn't want your comments.
- Sorry, Miss Cartwright.
- I bought a gorgeous one in turquoise.
James, unpack it.
Well, hold it up! I can't stand much more of this.
It is so embarrassing.
I'm simply mad about this one! It's a bit short, isn't it? What does she wear with it? And look at these! Oh, them's what she wears with it.
M'lord, would you like us to serve tea? - Yes, now, at once, good idea.
- Very good.
- And look at these.
- Oh, my God.
- Did you have time for any house hunting? - No, no, no.
- There's no hurry for that.
- No hurry at all.
Teddy's moving in with me until we can find a place.
Am I? We'll be as snug as bugs in a rug in my dear little flat.
We won't entertain, we'll just be together.
And when we're tired of my dear little flat, we can be together in my dinky little thatched cottage in Dorset.
It's got a dear little four-poster bed.
In all the years I've been in service, I've never felt so embarrassed.
They were lovely things, though.
When you held that nightdress up in front of you and went all red, I didn't know where to look.
I am surprised at Miss Cartwright.
There is a certain code of behaviour in front of a servant.
- Miss Cartwright transgressed it.
- Ah, poor Mr Teddy.
He's so sensitive.
The look on his face when she held up them knickers! Ivy, that is not a word you use in mixed company.
I'm sorry Aw, but it's terrible.
Him having to marry Miss Cartwright when he's in love with someone else.
May I remind you that poor Mr Teddy, as you call him, is not entirely blameless? He tried to take advantage of you on more than one occasion.
- Only in a half-hearted sort of way.
- Well, there was nothing half-hearted about his behaviour towards those other five poor servant girls.
He impregnated them.
- He what? - He got them into trouble.
In one case, with twins.
When you live in a big house like this, there's a lot of people to feel sorry for.
That's enough.
You can go.
- Are you all right, sir? - Yes, yes, just go.
Where's Stokes? - With his lordship.
- When he's finished, send him in to me.
Very good, sir.
Oh, my God! What have I come to? Nothing more than a glorified gigolo.
Madge Cartwright's plaything.
I can't go on.
(Weeps ) There's only one way out.
Ah Dear little Rose.
Californian Poppy.
Adorable Bella.
Carbolic soap.
Shiny-faced Ethel.
Wright's Coal Tar.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- You sent for me, sir? - Yes, come here.
If I may say so, sir, you look in a right pickle.
We have got to do something about Madge Cartwright.
I wouldn't recommend shooting her, sir.
That's for me, Stokes.
I'm finished.
My life is over.
- It's always darkest before the dawn, sir.
- Don't be so bally patronising.
- Sir, where there's light, there's hope.
- Shut up! I don't want to hear your bally kitchen clichés.
I am trying to indicate that anything is better than shooting yourself.
You haven't been to bed with Madge Cartwright.
What a pity she forgave you for eloping to Gretna Green with her maid Rose.
Otherwise, you'd have been off the hook by now.
Ah Dear little Rose.
When I think of those beautiful maids with their starched aprons and shiny faces.
Upstairs in the attic.
Does Miss Cartwright know about all the other girls, sir? No, no, of course she doesn't .
My brother is very good at keeping things dark.
Our family solicitor sends them allowances once a month, provided they don't spill the beans.
If I may venture to suggest, sir, I see a glimmer of an idea on the horizon.
- But it'll cost money.
- How much? Say £25.
Better make it £30 for safety.
All right, but if it doesn't work, you'll get the bally sack.
Even if you did save my life during the war.
Sir.
Look at this petticoat.
It's terrible, it's so old.
You've only had it two weeks, Miss Poppy.
It's the way you iron it.
You've ruined it.
- It looks lovely.
- Ha! How would you know? Well, it goes under your dress.
No one sees it.
- Don't be so familiar.
- Sorry, Miss Poppy.
You ruin all my things.
Daddy will have to get me an entirely new wardrobe.
- His lordship's ever so good to you.
- Oh, so I'm spoiled now, am I? Just you watch your step.
Plenty of young girls would like your job, Ivy! - Yes, Miss Poppy.
- (Knocking) That'll be Mr Twelvetrees.
Oh, wait a minute.
So you're deciding who comes into my room now, are you? Come in.
- Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
- What's the matter? Aren't I decent? It's not as if I was in my knickers.
- Hold my dress for me, Ivy.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- You sent for me? - It's about tomorrow night when we're all helping down at the soup kitchen.
- Well, do me up, girl.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
I want you to come down and look after me.
Protect me from all those rough men.
Your hands are like sandpaper, Ivy.
I'm sorry, Miss Poppy, it's the soda.
- I had to help with the washing up.
- You're all fingers and thumbs.
James, you do it.
With respect, you won't need me to protect you.
- You'll be with your father and Mr Teddy.
- They'll be no use.
Those dockers carry heavy sacks and pull on great, big ropes.
They're huge men with greatbulging muscles.
If they were toget familiar with me, what chance would I stand? Yes, miss.
There you are.
Now smooth out the wrinkles.
Perhaps Ivy should do that.
No, she'd snag the material.
- Will that be all, miss? - Yes, you can both go.
And, Ivy Take that tray with you.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
The little cat! I notice you didn't tell her off when she said " knickers" .
If I say it, I get into trouble, but when she does That will do, Ivy.
"I want you to protect me from all those rough men, James.
" If you ask me, the rough men need protection from her! She doesn't care about the poor.
It's just an excuse to get you down there with her.
- You're talking nonsense, Ivy.
- It's the truth and you know it! The only person in this family who cares about us is Miss Cissy.
- That will do.
You've said enough.
- No, I've got to speak my mind.
I know you're mad about Miss Poppy.
It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't such a little cat.
All I want is for you to be happy.
When you care for someone very much, that's the most important thing.
Their happiness.
There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Oh, please don't cry, Ivy.
I think you're doing a wonderful job, Cissy, the Party is so grateful to you.
If only all the other wealthy people used their power and influence to help.
That's all right.
I'm pleased to do it.
I can't call you Miss Anstruther.
What's your first name? Well, actually, it's Hortense.
But nobody ever calls me that.
No, my friends call me Hortie.
I don't know why, I'm really awfully chummy with everyone.
- I suppose it's better than Tense.
- Ah! Hello! - Good evening.
- This is Hortense Anstruther, Daddy.
- Ah, haven't I seen you before? - With the gang the night I was elected.
- Oh, that lot.
- You gave us lots of champagne.
We all sang The Red Flag.
Yes, I remember.
What are you doing with my chequebook? Writing out a cheque for you to sign to the soup kitchen.
Self-Denial Sunday.
How much did it come to? - £7 10s.
- Good Lord! Did we really not drink all that amount of champagne? I thought you might like to round it up a bit.
It's a good cause.
Yes, of course.
- United Workers Party? - Of course! We run the soup kitchen.
Hortense is the treasurer.
I can't sign a cheque to them.
What would the clerks at the Yorkshire Linen say? They might show it to the manager, he'd tell the chairman, a member of my club.
- No, I'll give you cash.
- I'm most terribly sorry, Daddy.
I wouldn't want to embarrass you, especially at your club.
- Here's a tenner.
- Oh! How absolutely spiffing! Now, I must dash.
I've got to run home and change.
Daddy is taking Bunty and me to the Café Royal.
But as one of our members would say, thanks, guv'nor, you're a toff! Actually, he's a taxi driver.
Cheerio.
- Quite a character, isn't she? - Look, Daddy I don't want to beat about the bush.
I really would rather you didn't come to the soup kitchen.
- You'll be a bit of an embarrassment.
- What do you mean? Look People in the East End don't like being patronised.
They may be poor but their dignity is very important to them.
- It's the only thing they have left.
- I said I'll go so I'll go.
Don't worry about me.
I employ hundreds of people.
They're all poor.
Splendid! Bring it round here.
- One more lap.
- Oh dear.
- There we are.
There we are.
- Oh, oh, it's hot.
Lovely.
Oh - What a lovely smell.
- It's all vegetables.
I sometimes wonder if you're doing the right thing turning people into vegetarians.
If you think I'm going to be party to feeding people slices of dead animals, urgh, you're wrong.
I never thought of Mrs Lipton's lamb cutlets as slices of dead animals.
- Puts you off.
- You're beginning to see the light.
- Get off.
- Who ordered loaves of white bread? - Come on, own up.
- The baker sent them round by mistake.
- Return them.
Demand our money back.
- We can't .
He gave them to us.
All right, m'lord, it's quite safe.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, sir.
Well, this israthernice.
This isn't nice at all.
It's a rotten place.
It was a rotten idea to come.
Did you see that man lurking out in the shadows? - He only had one eye.
- He probably lost the other one.
We shouldn't have come in the Rolls-Royce.
The Constable will look after it, won't you? - You want me to wait out there, sir? - Yes.
- On my own? - Of course.
Well, if there's any trouble, I'll blow my whistle and you can come out.
You insisted on coming.
Make yourself useful.
- Cut some bread.
- Cut some bread, Teddy.
Erm, excuse me, sir.
Where's Miss Poppy? She wasn't ready.
She's coming in a taxi with James.
Miss Poppy's coming in a taxi with Mr Twelvetrees.
Don't worry, Ivy.
I'm sure James can look after himself.
What are you cutting thin slices like that for? You're not making cucumber sandwiches for a tea party.
These people are starving! Oh, you do it, Ivy.
Yes, miss.
It's all quiet out there, sir.
I told the one-eyed man in the shadows to move on.
- Good.
- What did you bring that policeman for? - Protection.
- These people are not violent.
- They are just poor.
- Thank you, Constable.
If you want me, sir, I shall be just behind the door.
Straighten your tie, Henry, he'll be here in a minute.
- You know what you've got to do.
- I answer the door and I let in Mr Snope.
Mr Snape! He's a solicitor's clerk.
Then I take his hat and coat and I say, "Lord Meldrum's private detective "from Pinkerton's awaits you in the drawing room," and I let him in.
- That's right? - What is Pinkerton's ? Pinkerton's is a very famous American detective agency.
- Oh.
You're supposed to be one of them? - Yeah.
- You're gonna pretend to be American? - Yeah.
- And speak with an American accent? - Yes.
- Let's hear you.
- Don't be cheeky! - Why do you have to be an American? - So they can't check up on me.
That cigar's not right.
American private detectives in pictures smoke short cigars.
What are you doing? You've ruined a good cigar.
Only trying to help.
Do I look American, Henry? - Mr Stokes, can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
- Why are you doing all this? - I am doing all this, Henry, because I am trying to save Mr Teddy from a fate worse than death.
Marrying Miss Cartwright.
Will you find out something about Miss Cartwright and then blackmail her? No, I want that solicitor's clerk to give me all the addresses of the girls Mr Teddy has put in the family way.
I see.
Well, why didn't you ask me? - What for? - I've got them.
(Bell) Not today, thank you.
Why didn't you say so in the first place? Isn't it about time the poor turned up? - Shall I give the soup another stir? - Yes, we don't want it to go all lumpy.
Damn cheek keeping us waiting like this.
I thought you said they were all starving hungry, Cissy.
They're usually here earlier than this.
- Go straight through the door.
- Here they come.
Stand by, everyone.
Hello.
Where are all the hungry hordes? There you are, Ivy.
She's delivered James undamaged.
Please don't tease me, Miss Cissy.
- Good evening, Miss Cissy.
- Hello.
Hang your coats over there.
You have lipstick on your ear.
- They're through there.
- Here they come.
Stand by, everyone.
Hello, darlings.
What a gloomy place.
Sorry I'm late.
Have you finished serving? We haven't bally well started.
You shouldn't wear all that jewellery.
This is a very rough area.
You could have been set upon by a footpad.
- Why are you so late? - It took Ralph ages to drop off.
I think he's got used to those pills I give him.
I might've known Agatha was at the bottom of all this.
No wonder Daddy was so keen.
This is ridiculous, Daddy.
We've gone to all this trouble and nobody's turned up.
- Constable? - Yes, m'lord? - Isn't there anybody out there? - Only the one-eyed man.
Everyone's gone up to the Salvation Army hostel.
They're doing meat stew and dumplings there.
Perhaps we should have had meat stew and dumplings! - Cannibal! - Get off! Bally nerve! We try to help the poor and they just throw it back in our faces.
I don't want to worry you all but there's a bunch of Chinamen coming.
- They look ugly.
I think they're tongs.
- Good Lord, they're going to rob us! George! What am I going to do about my rings? - My pearls? - You'll protect me, won't you, James? - Miss Poppy, get behind me.
- Put your jewellery in here.
Poppy, your jewellery.
Teddy, your wallet.
- Hide these.
- Where? - Hide them, girl.
- Yes, m'lord.
- Give a good account of ourselves.
- I'm right beside you.
Constable, draw your truncheon.
Whatever you want, you're not going to get it.
What, no soup? We are very poor, very hungry.
Give them some soup, Cissy.
Don't dig too deep.
(Knocking) Well, Stokes? Miss Poppy and Miss Cissy have just left.
Your brother is in the Lords.
- So you will not be disturbed, sir.
- Miss Cartwright will come at 3:30.
- What time will the girls be here? - 3:00, sir.
Have you traced them all? Bella, Amy, Maggie.
Yes, sir, all five of them.
I'm so excited.
To think I shall see all those girls again.
With their shiny, scrubbed faces.
Will they be wearing starched aprons? No, sir, they'll be coming through the street.
What a damned shame.
Perhaps they could borrow some from Ivy.
I wish you would take this seriously, sir.
There could be a scene.
The whole purpose is you confess to Miss Cartwright your past misbehaviour with these girls.
- I say, steady on! - There's no polite way of putting it.
If Miss Cartwright thinks you're making it up, I shall bring the girls in and, when she sees them, she'll be so upset, she'll call the wedding off.
- Stokes, you're an absolute wonder.
- Thank you, sir.
Mrs Lipton, will the girls be having tea upstairs or down here? Otherwise, it's the difference between two cups and seven cups.
And it won't all go on one tray.
It'd have to be two trays.
Maids? Having tea in the drawing room? What has come over you, Ivy? They shall have it in mugs.
Down here.
I must say, I shall be ever so pleased to see them all again.
Maggie, Amy, Bella and the others.
- What are they like? - They're lovely girls.
But a bit careless.
They shouldn't be coming here.
- It was Mr Stokes's idea.
- You should have had no part in it.
Poor Miss Cartwright.
She'll be so humiliated.
We've got to be loyal to our Mr Teddy.
If he doesn't want to marry Miss Cartwright, we should help him.
I've known him since he was knee-high to a grasshopper.
Must've been a very small baby.
You can't blame Mr Stokes.
Needs must when the devil drives.
That's what I always say.
- Front door.
- We know, Mabel.
Mr Stokes will attend to it.
- Good afternoon, Miss Cartwright.
- Good afternoon, Stokes.
I know I'm early, but Mr Teddy won't mind.
I will inform him of your presence, Miss Cartwright.
- Who's that? - Miss Cartwright, sir.
- Tell her to come back later.
- It's a bit late.
- You'll have to talk to her, sir.
- What about? You must have something in common.
You're marrying her.
I'm not.
That's the whole idea of this bally pantomime.
- (Bell) - Who's that? I've no idea, sir.
You better go in to Miss Cartwright.
Start leading up to it gently.
- Hello.
- Oh, Teddy Bear.
- I've got something to tell you.
- Shh.
No words.
Just actions! (Bell) Ah, good afternoon, sir.
- Good afternoon.
- Afternoon, Stokes.
We thought you were doing a speech at the House of Lords this afternoon.
No, they were all asleep.
I didn't want to disturb them.
- Go into the drawing room? - I wouldn't go in there, sir.
Miss Cartwright and Mr Teddy are discussing plans for the wedding.
Such a delicate time, full of fragrant, never-to-be-forgotten moments.
- Send Ivy in with some tea, Stokes.
- Very good, m'lord.
- Who's that? - Your brother and the bishop, sir.
I put them in the study.
The girls are here.
- Are you all right, Mr Teddy? - No, I'm not.
Stokes, stay here.
As soon as I'm ready, I'll come out and tip you the wink.
Then you bring the girls up.
- Dad, you better come downstairs quick.
- Why? Just come.
(Wailing) - (Screaming) - I can't do teas for all this lot.
I haven't got enough milk! - Where did this lot come from? - They're Mr Teddy's ! Well, most of them.
- I think this one needs his bottle.
- Oh dear.
They had to bring the babies with them.
They couldn't leave them.
You better start looking after them.
Henry.
Right, you girls, get ready to come upstairs.
I promised them all you'd give them ten bob each for their fares.
- Kindly keep those children under control.
- I thought Mr Teddy only had six.
Some of the girls have got married since then.
At least, I hope they're married.
- Tea'll be up in a minute, Charles.
- No hurry.
- I'm happy browsing.
- (Babies screaming) I don't know if it's my imagination, George, but I can hear babies crying downstairs.
You're right.
- Stokes! - Sir? I think I can hear babies crying.
Seagulls, sir.
Sign of bad weather.
- Tell Ivy to hurry up with the tea.
- Very good, m'lord.
- Stokes - Shall I bring the girls up now? It didn't work.
She forgave me.
- Forgave you? - She said every man must have his fling.
Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
You might as well, you're sacked.
Don't do anything rash, sir.
Just keep Miss Cartwright in there.
(Yells) I did hear a baby.
There's a policeman out there.
The baby's playing with his whistle.
(Police whistle ) Now there's another policeman coming round the corner.
It all goes on the rates, you know.
Shh.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Shh.
(Screaming) - What's all this, then? - These, madam, are Mr Teddy's children.
The mothers are willing to accept Mr Teddy's offer to adopt them.
Teddy! - Are theseall yours? - Yes.
Mr Teddy is going to adopt them as soon as you are married.
Right, sir? Yes, going to adopt them all.
Soon as we're married.
You don't mind, do you? (Screams ) It's worked, Stokes.
You've done it! You've done it! You've done it! I think this one's done it, as well! From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz And at the Troc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.