8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s04e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, David Baddiel, Trevor Noah, Joey Essex, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the longest novel ever written is over 4,000 pages long.
It's actually Jon Richardson's favourite book because he used it to stand on, that one time he kissed a girl.
LAUGHTER A recent survey has revealed 45% of UK teenagers find maths boring.
Well done, 45% of UK teenagers, you are correct.
And the sign language equivalent of tongue twisters are known as finger fumblers.
Personally, I like to start with a finger fumbler, and then move on to a tongue twister.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is dedicated to his girlfriend.
She's a lovely, bubbly girl, whose parents describe her as missing.
LAUGHTER Jon hates textspeak.
The abbreviated spelling and poor grammar infuriate him.
And if Jon were to ever receive a text message, I imagine, he'd be livid.
I do get text messages from Papa John's Pizza Hut and my bank.
The joke's on you, Jimmy, cos it's Two for Tuesday.
And Jon's team-mate, David Baddiel! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
David suffers from insomnia.
Here's a tip, David.
Try talking to Jon after the show for five minutes.
That will sort you right out.
I've had two.
You're supposed to say something about him and his background and stuff - He was.
He was saying that I had insomnia.
- That's hardly a slam! I tell you, though.
Whenever you tell people you've got insomnia, they'll always say, "Oh, no.
It's all right, I'm always asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.
" Eight hours a night, every night.
And I always think, if I said I was blind, you wouldn't say, "Oh, really? Because I can see perfectly.
" Up against them this evening it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean is one of Britain's top comedians.
Described by the Times as "consistently brilliant", by the Guardian as "one of the best", and by the Metropolitan police as "not to be approached, under any circumstances.
" And joining Sean tonight, it's Trevor Noah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE MOUTHS Trevor is from South Africa.
His last DVD sold more copies than any other South African comedian's.
It was South Africa's biggest release, since they let Nelson Mandela out.
Too soon.
Too soon, Jimmy.
- Too soon? - WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah.
- "Yeah"?! - Too soon to call the DVD sales because we haven't counted all of them yet, so it's too soon.
LAUGHTER OK, Trevor, have they got Countdown in South Africa or something similar? We had Countdown but then, because we've got 11 official languages, no-one could agree on the rules, so we had to scrap the game.
We just don't do it any more.
You speak how many languages? - I speak six.
- Six, OK, so what are the six? English, Afrikaans, Zulu, Tswana, Tsonga, Ndebele and I speak a bit of German now.
I'm learning German.
Yeah, I was going to say, you should probably get another language in there, just in case.
- What are the ones with the cool - Xhosa.
Xhosa, that's the clicks.
- Xhosa.
- Wow.
Sorry, that was amazing, can you do it again? - Xhosa.
- Is he calling you a tosser? - LAUGHTER I think he's calling you a tosser, but in, like, the most charming way you could ever do.
Xhosa.
There's three clicks in the language.
- There's the X which is the - HE CLICKS - Then there's the C, that's the - HE CLICKS HIS TEETH - And then there's the Q.
- LOW CLICKS I've got a question about that language.
How do you whisper in it? Can you give us a sentence in that language, using the clicks? So, for instance, something my mum would say would be like HE SPEAKS XHOSA Which means, "I will destroy you with a backhand, "you bastard of a child.
" OK.
Now whisper it.
HE WHISPERS WITH AUDIBLE CLICKS - You can't whisper it.
- Yeah, but you're not supposed to whisper! In African culture, whispering is a very disrespectful thing to do.
Why would you whisper? Why don't you want me to hear what you're saying about me? When you're trying to put someone to bed? LAUGHTER No, I suppose not.
That's a bit creepy, isn't it? - Sean - Yes, hello.
If we were to look up Sean Lock in the dictionary, what would we find? What would be the definition of Sean Lock? If you looked me up in the dictionary, you'd get a four-letter word.
It's got a C in it, a U in it and a T in it.
And that word is, of course, cute.
LAUGHTER But really, I don't think a dictionary has got enough words in it to describe me.
I don't think I'm such an amazing, complicated I'm more like a sensation, an idea.
The best way to describe me is with a fragrance.
You'd smell it and you'd go, "That's Sean Lock" That smell It would be like hot tarmac and a vet's flannel.
LAUGHTER - What is that? What is that aroma? - Hot tarmac and a vet's flannel Jon, is your girlfriend impressed by your Countdown success? Er LAUGHTER Let's be honest, Jimmy, if my girlfriend was into being impressed by stuff, she would probably go out with someone else.
AUDIENCE: Aw! He's not Orville! I wish I could fly - You are quite like Orville.
- I'm not far off, am I? To be fair.
David, have you got a mascot today? Yeah, I have got a mascot today.
And here it is.
It's me, actually.
I should say that in case anyone's turned on Channel 4 and they think this is Embarrassing Bodies and this is my grotesque conjoined twin.
It isn't.
It's a Spitting Image puppet of me and I brought it because I thought it would bring me good luck because it's basically me from the '90s when I was more successful.
I thought that was a good idea.
- The fact that you own that doesn't speak well of you.
- I don't own it.
It was bought by a bloke I don't know for 20 grand at an auction.
And, to be honest, for 20 grand, he could have bought me.
I don't know why, I love that.
Great mascot.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Sort of, yeah.
I'm trying to get the youth into Countdown, obviously, Jimmy.
That would be good, I think, some younger viewers.
That's what this show needs.
So I've been asked to live tweet throughout tonight's show.
So I'm going to log on to the old Twatter Twitter LAUGHTER .
.
and get some young people involved, tweet about some guys.
Mainly angry comments about our discussion about the Xhosa language, at the moment but they can't spell that word, so Trevor, have you got a mascot? Do I have a mascot? I didn't know what to bring.
I just brought I brought biltong with me.
We can eat if things are not going well.
So that's dried meat.
So you take a lovely, succulent piece of beef, leave it out in the sun for four days and go, yeah, stick it in a bag.
See, when you put it like that, Jimmy, it doesn't sound so good.
Sean, have you got a mascot? No, I haven't got a mascot, Jimmy, because I've done a lot of these shows and they don't bring me any luck.
But what I'm I'm using this opportunity to promote a range of products which I am very excited about.
It started off, you know one of my favourite joys in life is, after a party, you come down in the morning and you start to just have a go at stuff that's left.
So I've come up with a range of things like flat cola, for example.
And there's no fizz in it and it just comes out completely, completely flat.
And that's That's lovely.
And then I've got this.
What is better than tomorrow's curry? So the idea is, it's tomorrow's leftovers today.
LAUGHTER There, inside, is a leftover curry.
But you can have that straightaway, you don't have to wait for the next day, you can just have tomorrow's curryNOW! And, um I've also got, particularly I'm keen on What's better than going to the fridge after you've had a Sunday roast and just picking at the carcass? You don't need to wait for the roast, you can buy it, fresh off the shelves.
And, of course .
.
this lovelypizza.
You come down in the morning And I think everyone's getting the idea now.
Look at that, look at that! That's lovely.
You come down in the morning, you go, "Ah, that's there, ah" I've been told not to eat the chicken.
LAUGHTER I forgot.
Of course, with the curry, comes lovely floppy poppadoms.
And you can get Soon these will all be on your shelves.
And remember, it's tomorrow's leftoverstoday! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK and over in Dictionary Corner, it's Joey Essex.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Before Joey agreed to be in Dictionary Corner, he only had two questions.
What's a dictionary? And what's a corner? - A what? A corner? - A corner, yeah.
- A corner? - Yeah.
What, like a triangle? - LAUGHTER - Like a triangle, you know, corners, triangles.
- Yeah.
Three corners, innit? - It's what, sorry? - It's got three corners, innit? LAUGHTER Tonight, Joey will be playing a simplified version of the numbers and letters games, where he just has to work out, which are numbers and which letters.
LAUGHTER Joey, we are delighted to have you here this evening.
I'm delighted to be here, Jimmy.
Now, Joey, you only learned to tell the time last year, - when you were in the jungle.
- Sort of.
Is that clock going to freak you out? It's only got one hand.
Well, I'm good at counting, and that only goes to 30 so - I can count.
I'm a good counter.
- You're a good counter.
But I still can't tell the time.
You can't? Why have you got a watch? - It's a long story, mate.
- What's the watch for? - Well, this is just I dunno.
- LAUGHTER - I've got a lot of watches.
- Joey, are you a Countdown fan? I am.
I've watched a few shows, yeah.
I was on it.
- No, I weren't on Countdown, was I? - You're on it now.
I can see - I'm on it now.
- I can see where the confusion would arise there.
You think, I think I've been on this.
Hang on I'm here now.
- And with Joey, of course, we've got Susie Dent! - APPLAUSE With her regular appearances on Countdown, Susie Dent is easily Britain's most exciting lexicographer.
Although, let's be honest, that is the equivalent of being Britain's deadliest marshmallow.
Susie, are there any South African words we should look out for? We've got Trevor on the show, any South African words or phrases? I can't ever pronounce any of them, so, Trevor, you can put me right.
- Babalas? - Oh, babalas - Babalas is great, it's a hangover.
- Yeah, it's a hangover.
Babalas.
- Babalas.
- Ba-ba-las.
- I like that one.
- And then a bakvissie.
Is that right? - A buck? It's so hard because when you say it, you say South African but then there's 11 so I have to now go through all and then try and figure out which one it sounds closest to.
- OK, bak-vissie - That didn't help me LAUGHTER - A giggly girl, basically.
- No, that's not in my dictionary.
Now, Susie.
How difficult is it to go from the regular Countdown to Cats Does Countdown? Erm, it's quite difficult because I'm only, as Rachel will tell you, I'm only ever funny by mistake.
And not only that, but it takes me hours to realise what everyone is laughing at, so Quite recently, the last recording for Countdown, I decided I would liven things up by talking about the history of lingerie in the dictionary.
So I was taking quite a few words from the dictionary and explaining them to Nick.
And, erm, I went through suspenders and thongs and I got to teddies.
And he looked really confused.
So I gave him the definition of a teddy which was, you know very well, Jimmy.
- Sure! - All in one And he was still looking really, really confused and I said, "Nick, I can tell, you've never come across a teddy.
" LAUGHTER Yeah Everyone was laughing and I was thinking, it is quite funny, thinking of Nick with a teddy.
- And, anyway, I was driving home two hours later - Two hours later?! And pulled over at a service station because I was laughing so hard and then I texted Rachel.
I got a text two hours later, "I finally realise why everyone was laughing!" LAUGHTER OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Now, you're from Essex, Rachel.
- Yeah.
- Joey is from Essex, he's Mr Essex.
- You can tell.
Would you ever consider going on TOWIE? Well, I think the one thing that everyone would agree is missing from TOWIE is a numbers round.
It's more of a language programme at the moment.
Once you've got the vocab you can kind of work out what's going on most of the time.
- Whereabouts in Essex are you from? - Southend, mate.
- Ah.
LAUGHTER Like the one that got away.
I think that's quite a good chat-up technique.
Just ask someone where they're from and when they say go "Really?" Rachel, if the Countdown studio was on fire and you could save me or Sean or Jon, who would you save? Um I think, in that scenario, Sean probably started the fire.
LAUGHTER That is a safe bet, yeah.
Jon's probably worked out the fire escapes and has got his best route.
But I could use your teeth as a beacon, like a torch through the smoke.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Look at his, they're ridiculous.
- I think yours are whiter.
- Sorry? - Yours are whiter.
Mine are not whiter than yours.
Yours are ridiculous.
Yours are ridic.
LAUGHTER OK, tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this, a set of Countdown Golf Clubs.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I just want to tell you I'm very excited about that because my mum collects golf memorabilia.
That's absolutely true.
That's what she does.
She doesn't play golf, she's just mental.
This is one of my mum's golf books.
It's called Beyond The Links, there it is, Sarah Fabian Baddiel.
- She wrote this and each of these books - Is this a real thing? It's a real thing, completely real, absolutely true.
She writes a little poem, or she quotes a little poem at the start of each book.
Can I just read it for you now? - Sure.
- It's "What brightens life throughout the year "And makes all cloudlets disappear? "What binds in friendships strong, sincere? "It's golf.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jolly good.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Trevor, you're to pick the letters.
- Er - Fill your boots.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, Trevor.
U - Thank you.
- LAUGHTER Consonant.
B - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Vowel, please.
A - Thank you.
- Write them down.
Consonant.
L Vowel, please.
A - It's not making a word - LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
R Consonant.
Consonant Oh, yes, thank you.
And aconsonant, please.
L - A vowel, please.
- And the last one E OK, and your time starts, now.
LAUGHTER - How many letters, David? - It is One, two, three, four, five, six.
- Well, you're going to be good in the numbers round, aren't you? - LAUGHTER - Jon, how many letters? - Nine! - AUDIENCE: Whoo! - It's exciting.
Sean? - I've got a six, Jimmy.
- Six, OK, quite respectable.
- Trevor? - Five.
- OK, let's hear your five.
- BRUTE - BRUTE - David, what's your six? - RUBELA.
- It's an illness.
- It's brilliant, - but it's got two Ls and you could have got a seven.
- Oh, bollocks Which, funnily enough, also has two Ls.
- Um Sean? - BUTLER.
- BUTLER.
- Butler.
- Very good.
- Jon, your nine? Erm, it's the way that when you're having sex and you need some assistance You apply a certain thing to ease the passage and the thing that you apply that with is called a LUBALATER.
LAUGHTER - LUBALATER, yeah.
- LUBALATER.
- Susie, LUBALATER? - No.
Sadly, it stops at "lube.
" LAUGHTER So, six points to Sean for BUTLER.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Joey.
Joey, could they have done any better than BUTLER? Well, personally, I wrote down BAR.
LAUGHTER Have you see this bit of the show? Because you've got the dictionary and you've got longer to think, you would tell us the nine-letter word they could have come up with.
- Oh! Sorry about that.
- LAUGHTER - Tablue? - Yeah, TABLEAU.
TABLEAU is another way to say it, yeah.
The correct way.
- And we've got late-errol.
- LATERAL.
Late or lat-eral.
Late-errol or lateral as it's pronounced.
- And the other one was RUBELLA.
Was it RUBELLA? - Yeah, we had RUBELLA.
- Sorry, David.
- Personally, I don't know what any of them mean, but If they are in the dictionary, they must be correct.
- LAUGHTER - Good thinking, Joey.
Good thinking.
Jon, were you live tweeting? Yeah, I've tweeted about lubalater because I'm convinced it's a word.
So I've put it out there.
I've just tweeted, "Hey, guys.
Lost my lubalater.
" If nobody queries it, then I'm convinced it's a word.
Well, let's see.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Trevor are in the lead with six.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, David, your turn to pick the numbers.
Right, so I just pick some numbers? That's pretty much how it normally works.
- One from the top.
- OK, one from the top and do you know the rules? - Do you know how to play? - I have to work out a big sum in a minute.
- No - 30 seconds.
- Not in a minute.
And you don't have to use all of them, - but you can't use each one more then once.
- OK.
- Cool.
Can he do this round for you? Right, your numbers.
You've got 7, 3, 10, 2, - 6 and the big one, 75.
- SEAN: Lovely.
- And the target, 277.
- OK, your time starts, now.
- So the target was 277.
Jon, did you get it? - 275.
- David? - Nowhere near, I'm still doing a sum Er, I think the sum I'm doing .
.
is 741.
So that's quite a long way out.
Quite a long way out, OK.
Trevor, did you get it? I think so.
But I don't know - Sean, did you get it? - Yeah.
I think so, I think so.
OK, Trevor, how did you do it? I think I went 75 multiplied by the 6 - 2 which is 4 By 6 - 2 for 300.
Yeah.
And then what I said was 10 x 3 which is 30.
- Yeah.
- I took that away - 270.
- Yeah, and then I see now Add the 7.
- Yeah! That's right.
- Same as me.
- APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - Did you do it the same way? - Yeah.
- Did you get it, Joey? I didn't, no.
And I would never have been able to get it in my life.
Never.
I'm surprised that you got that, you two.
LAUGHTER Because Rachel's good at sums and she's from where you're from.
I know, yeah.
That's mad.
OK, so, Jon and David have no points, Sean and Trevor have 16.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go over to Joey Essex in Dictionary Corner.
Joey, normally on Countdown we use the Oxford English Dictionary, But this week, I notice there's a glossary in your autobiography.
Yeah, there is.
The Joey Essex Dictionary, yeah.
- The Joey Essex Dictionary.
- It's just a few words that I've made up throughout time and have got popular and people catch on to them and like them.
OK, so first up in the dictionary, Apple Juice.
It sort of means when you want to get somebody away from you.
Like, somebody's really annoying you, you say "Apple Juice" and get someone to push them away.
It's like a code word.
Instead of saying "get them away from me", you say "Apple Juice.
" And they throw them out the club.
What happens if you want an apple juice? I dunno.
I just don't like apple juice, really.
It doesn't affect you.
This can't be right.
Capri Sun? That's a drink, isn't it? Oh, right, yeah.
Apparently I don't know, but apparently, I heard, that there's a place called Capri Sun in the world? Is it true? There's a place called Capri Sun.
I don't know where it is in the world.
There's people live there and when they're in couples Basically, everyone's just weirdos there.
So if someone's a weirdo, you'd say, "He's a Capri Sun"? A pair of Capri Suns.
- A pair of Capri Suns.
- They have to be together.
- They're always together, in pairs.
- Always.
I've never been to Capri Sun, but I imagine it's like that.
And what does it mean Say say? Oh, we use to say I dunno.
I don't even know why this is even a word, but we used to say, "Say say, what what, do do" after a sentence.
And it just would mean, like, "Yeah, sick.
" I dunno.
You would just, on the end of a sentence, say, "Say say, what what, do do"? We'd do something, we'd say something and then go, "Say say" I dunno, I can't really explain it.
- You can't.
- It's not going to click.
So Say say, what what, do do? - It's a bit like the language you've got.
- No LAUGHTER Because I can't get that, but you can't get me.
It's like a Joey Essex language.
- OK, so it's like Xhosa but then - It's a little bit like your proud, African heritage Sort of the same, it's the same.
They They laugh, but I think it would have been so much fun if you were the British people that invaded Africa.
Things would have been so different! LAUGHTER They'd have been there for a week.
Now what do Prawn cocktail? Prawn cocktail, does it mean a fit girl or something like that? Yes, it does, but You should know this, it's in your book.
Yeah, I know, but I thought we used to say salty potato.
Those are the two terms in your book for attractive women.
What, salty potato? She's either a salty potato or a prawn cocktail.
I don't see what's wrong with it.
Do you like salt? - Do I? - Do you like salt? - Yes.
- Do you like potatoes? - Yes.
Well, then That's nice then, innit? LAUGHTER That means you love salty potatoes, the ladies.
- I mean - Got you there, didn't I? Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Essex.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, here is your teaser.
The words are FAN A DONG.
The clue is, "It'll get you hot and sweaty.
" That's FAN A DONG, it'll get you hot and sweaty.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were FAN A DONG.
The clue was - it'll get you hot and sweaty.
It was, of course, FANDANGO.
So, Sean and Trevor are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and David.
David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, David.
A Consonant.
G Another consonant.
V - Oh, dear.
- LAUGHTER I've seen something already.
- Vowel.
- LAUGHTER Please put a vowel up quickly.
E Yeah, OK.
Ermconsonant, please.
M RACHEL LAUGHS LAUGHTER Vowel.
I LAUGHTER Almost there, isn't it? All we need is an N.
- LAUGHTER - Consonant.
R I'm going to go for another consonant.
P PRIME Sorry.
LAUGHTER That's awful you said that.
Andanother vowel.
O OK.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Sean, what did you get? - Six.
- Six.
David? - Five.
Well, let's hear your five.
- GRIPE.
- OK.
Sean, your six? MIRAGE.
Six points to Sean! APPLAUSE Joey, could they have done any better? How much words is it? LAUGHTER Oh, letters, sorry.
Ermit was six how much words.
LAUGHTER - EPIGRAM.
- Epigram means? EPIGRAM.
- Means? You would normally do the definition.
- Oh, I don't have a clue.
- LAUGHTER Epigram means, of course, not having a clue.
- LAUGHTER - Could they have done any better than that, Suzy? VAMPIRE.
VAMPIRE.
IMPROVE.
Lots of sevens.
OK.
So at the end of that, John and David have no points, Sean and Trevor have 22.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Trevor and John to go head-to-head.
Trevor, your turn to pick the numbers.
One big, please, and the rest small.
All little ones.
Thank you, Trevor.
One large one, five little 'uns coming up.
And this time your numbers are 2, 8, 5.
Another 2, 7, and the big one 75.
And the target OK.
And your time starts now.
OK.
So the target was 651.
I'm intrigued to knowwhat Joey's doing a picture of.
I was actually writing 75 x 7.
What would that be? Close.
LAUGHTER JIMMY LAUGHS - APPLAUSE - Close.
Oh! 75 So if I'd done 75 x 8 - I pretty much would've been there, right? - 600.
- Plus 51, yeah.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER - That would've been good, wouldn't it? - Yeah, that would've been.
I'm quite impressed with myself.
- Trevor, how did you do? - I got I just started going through What happened waslike, I thought of another number and then And then I was going for that number and I was getting it.
- LAUGHTER - So you got it, but it was not the thing we were going for? In another universe right now, I've won Countdown.
LAUGHTER That means I beat you? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - John, did you get it? - Er652.
- I was slightly distracted.
- How were you distracted? - Was it? - Lubalator is now trending on Twitter.
LAUGHTER Largely, it has to be said, down to the work of Nigel Mansell, - who's gone mad for it.
- LAUGHTER Unbelievable.
@nigeronicheese - that's his twitter handle - he's just gone, "LMAO lubalator, let's get it trending #legend.
" LAUGHTER 652, I think.
Go on.
How did you do it? 7 + 2 = 9 Yep.
7 + 2 = 9 75 - 2 = 73 Yeah.
Times those together.
For657.
- And then take away the five.
- And then, yeah, one away.
- Exactly.
- Seven points to John.
APPLAUSE Good.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, could it be done? - Yep.
We could've said 2 x 5 = 10 10 + 8 = 18 18 + 75 = 93 93 x 7 = 651 - Yep.
- APPLAUSE - 7 x 9, of course.
- APPLAUSE OK, so John and David have 7, Sean and Trevor have 22.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NOAH STUD.
The clue is - he'll give it to anyone.
That's NOAH STUD - he'll give it to anyone.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NOAH STUD and the clue was, "He'll give it to anyone.
" It was of course, HANDOUTS.
OK, Before we go on.
Joe Wilkinson's on holiday but the good news is, he's sent his half-brother Fabio with a postcard for Rachel.
Oh, thank you.
- Erm, oh, nice little beach.
Shall I read what it says? - Yeah.
"Dear Rachel, I can't make it this week "because I'm on holiday in Magaluf.
"It's pretty good here, except people keep having sex everywhere "while I'm trying to play Cluedo.
"Anyway, I've always thought Countdown was bullshit, "so I've sent some friends of mine along to make it better this week.
"Be nice to them as they are frequent bed wetters.
"Wish you were here (I'm lying), Joe.
"PS: Tell Jimmy he's a tit-head.
" Right, OK, so as Rachel's assistants this week, please welcome Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Could you introduce the band, Alex? - I'd love to.
Yeah, we've Ed Sheldrake on piano, a former, ehchild.
We've got Mark Brown and Joe Auckland, the twins, on horns, Ben Reynolds, who is the lowly drummer, who has got a star sign! We've got Will Collier on bass, who used to Well, he is a member of the National Front.
- National Trust.
- National Trust.
LAUGHTER OK, Alex, you were a champion on the actual Countdown.
Will you be able to actually help Rachel this evening? No.
Because it was very lax, there was a lot of cheating, a lot of steroids.
It was a dark period.
So you were the Lance Armstrong of the Countdown? - Thank you, Jimmy.
- Not a compliment.
Yet! Can you kick us off maybe with some music? You've got a band.
Well, Joe said not to worry too much, so we wrote something on the mini-bus on the way up.
And it's a true story, but we haven't given it a name yet, it's untitled, like my erm, like my dog, like my pet dog.
You haven't named your dog? Just Dog.
Doesn't matter.
He doesn't mind.
He knows no different.
Just Dog.
He thinks he's Doug, but it's Dog.
- Shall we do our song? - Let's do a song, yeah.
# Is it the police? # Is it the fuzz? # Is the Feds? # Is it the rozzers? # Is it the cops? # Is it the Bill? # Is it the five-oh? # Is it the pigs? # Is it the filth? # Is it the narcs? # Is it some bobbies? # Is it Bergerac? ALL: # No! ALL: # It's a Highway Maintenance Vehicle! # LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Sean and Trevor, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a vowel, please? Here we go.
E Consonant, please.
G Another consonant, please.
F OK, another consonant, please.
H Vowel, please.
A Another consonant.
R Vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
V Oh, God.
And another consonant.
And the last one T.
OK, before we start the clock, as we've got the band here, maybe you could play the music for us? What about ragtime? Can you play ragtime? Jimmy wants to know.
They say they'll give it a go.
- Perfect.
OK, your time starts - Three, four RAGTIME VERSION OF COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS HORNS BLARE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, how many letters? - Six.
- Trevor? - I've got five and then I've got four.
- OK, we'll go five then.
- OK, Jon? - Seven.
- David? - Five.
OK.
What's your five, David? GRAVE Keep it light, David.
- Trevor? - Mine is GEVAT.
- What? - How are you spelling that? - G-E-V-A-T.
- SEAN: - What is that? - Something that has been taken.
- In which language? Oh, in Afrikaans.
- No.
- No? - Sorry! Sean, your six? HEATER Yep.
Two E's.
Very good.
- Jon? - FEATHER FEATHER - SUZIE: - Very good.
So, seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Joe, could they have done any better? No, I couldn't have.
But there was HEART, GATHER and FATHER.
OK, so at the end of that Jon and David have 14, Sean and Trevor have 22, they're in the lead.
APPLAUSE Jon, how is the live tweeting going? will.
i.
am has officially bought the rights to Lubilater as his next single.
On the proviso that he can spell "later" L8R.
So I've turned him down.
You don't fuck around with my tunes.
On to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and David, pick the numbers.
Can we have two big ones, and four small ones? - Yes.
Two big, four small.
SEAN: - Old school! - Yeah.
- And for this round, the four smalls - Playing safe.
- .
.
10, 6, 1 - I'm scared.
.
.
and 3, and the large ones, 75 and 25.
And the target, 679.
OK, Alex, could you play the music in a disco style? Can we? Can you do disco? - Your time starts now.
- Three, four DISCO VERSION OF COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS HORN SQUEAKS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Incredible disco skills, well done, gentlemen.
Erm, what did you get? - I've got it.
- You've got it? - Yeah but I think I might be number-lexic so I don't know if I really did get it.
- Jon, did you get it? - 678.
- OK, you were close but no cigar.
Sean? - Same.
- OK.
- And Trevor? - 678.
OK, so David, how did you do it? I've got to be right.
75 x 10 75 x 10 = 750 then - (25 x 3) 25 x 3 = 75, so 675 Yes, then Now I've fucked up.
Yeah.
Then I thought you could plus Oh, yeah, no, plus 3, plus 1.
- You've already used the 3.
- Oh, I've used the 3 once already.
Ah.
I haven't done it.
You've not done it.
And so Trevor, how did you get 678? I said, 10 - 1 10 - 1 = 9 That gave me 9, multiply that by 75 675 - Which gave me 675 - Uh-huh.
What I then did is I added the 3.
- Yes, one away.
- And then I kept the 6 for later.
APPLAUSE - Jon, how did you do? - I did the same thing.
So, seven points to both teams.
Could it be done, Rachel? Uh, yes.
You could have said, 25 x 3 = 75, 75 + 1 = 76, 76 x 10 = 760, and then 75 + 6 = 81, and then take it away.
APPLAUSE Extraordinary.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and David have 21, Sean and Trevor have 29.
It's pretty close.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are, WET NITES.
And the clue is, "Not at his age.
" That's WET NITES, "Not at his age.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were WET NITES.
The clue was, not at his age, it was of course, TWENTIES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
- May I please have a consonant, please? - You may, thank you, Jon.
L I said please twice then, so I'm not going to this time.
But don't take that as a sign of rudeness.
Vowel! - Vowel! - I.
Consonant, please.
R Please, please, please may I have a consonant? N Vowel! A Consonant! - G - Vowel, please.
E And another consonant, please.
D What about a vowel? E OK, Alex, what about could you do, like, a James Bond-style Countdown clock? - Yes! - OK, your time starts now.
Three, four BOND THEME-STYLE COUNTDOWN MUSIC - Oh! - APPLAUSE - Nicely done, gentlemen.
Trevor, what did you get? - I think I got seven.
- OK, seven, Sean, how did you do? - Eight.
- Eight, confident, OK.
David? - Seven.
- Jon? - Seven.
- OK, David, what's your seven? - ENRAGED ENRAGED! - Great word.
Trevor? - That's the exact same word I had.
You got ENRAGED as well.
John? - LAUNDER.
- LAUNDER? - Oh, there's no fucking U in there, is there? - Ohhh! Look at him, he's ENRAGED.
- Anus.
- That is double ENRAGED.
- Sean, what did you get? - ENLARGED - Nice! Very good.
- ENLARGED! - Eight points to Sean.
- APPLAUSE Alex, I'm not going to go to Dictionary Corner, I'm going to go to Alex Horne.
Alex, how did you do? I think I got a nine.
REALIGNED? Yeah, fantastic.
Very, very good.
APPLAUSE CHEERING Just like to say at this point, Jimmy, that since we started doing these, I've had this under the desk for if I ever got a nine-letter word.
And I want everyone to know that I'm really pleased for you, Alex.
That you've come on and got one when I didn't write the letters down right.
And I just I'd just like you to pop it because I'm never going to get one.
- I'll catch it in my mouth if you want.
- OK.
I should point out at this point, I bought this from a shop that had the word pound in the title.
You may be overestimating its reach.
OK.
Angle there Wow.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Whoo! - Over to Dictionary Corner.
- We got another nine which is ENGRAILED.
- What, sorry? - ENGRAILED, which is a heraldry term.
But I like REALIGNED.
- I've actually found a word and she said, great.
It was LEARNED.
- Seven.
- You got LEARNED? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That is pretty good.
OK, so, Jon and David have 21, - Sean and Trevor had 37.
- SEAN WHISTLES We crushed them like the dogs they are.
OK.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
- BUZZER - Jon.
- DUMBFOUND? - Very good.
- Let's have a look.
Oh, well done.
APPLAUSE So, the final scores are, Jon and David have 31 points but tonight's winners with 37 are Sean and Trevor! CHEERING Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of these Countdown golf clubs.
Thanks to all our panellists, our studio audience and all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, good night!
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the longest novel ever written is over 4,000 pages long.
It's actually Jon Richardson's favourite book because he used it to stand on, that one time he kissed a girl.
LAUGHTER A recent survey has revealed 45% of UK teenagers find maths boring.
Well done, 45% of UK teenagers, you are correct.
And the sign language equivalent of tongue twisters are known as finger fumblers.
Personally, I like to start with a finger fumbler, and then move on to a tongue twister.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is dedicated to his girlfriend.
She's a lovely, bubbly girl, whose parents describe her as missing.
LAUGHTER Jon hates textspeak.
The abbreviated spelling and poor grammar infuriate him.
And if Jon were to ever receive a text message, I imagine, he'd be livid.
I do get text messages from Papa John's Pizza Hut and my bank.
The joke's on you, Jimmy, cos it's Two for Tuesday.
And Jon's team-mate, David Baddiel! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
David suffers from insomnia.
Here's a tip, David.
Try talking to Jon after the show for five minutes.
That will sort you right out.
I've had two.
You're supposed to say something about him and his background and stuff - He was.
He was saying that I had insomnia.
- That's hardly a slam! I tell you, though.
Whenever you tell people you've got insomnia, they'll always say, "Oh, no.
It's all right, I'm always asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.
" Eight hours a night, every night.
And I always think, if I said I was blind, you wouldn't say, "Oh, really? Because I can see perfectly.
" Up against them this evening it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean is one of Britain's top comedians.
Described by the Times as "consistently brilliant", by the Guardian as "one of the best", and by the Metropolitan police as "not to be approached, under any circumstances.
" And joining Sean tonight, it's Trevor Noah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE MOUTHS Trevor is from South Africa.
His last DVD sold more copies than any other South African comedian's.
It was South Africa's biggest release, since they let Nelson Mandela out.
Too soon.
Too soon, Jimmy.
- Too soon? - WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah.
- "Yeah"?! - Too soon to call the DVD sales because we haven't counted all of them yet, so it's too soon.
LAUGHTER OK, Trevor, have they got Countdown in South Africa or something similar? We had Countdown but then, because we've got 11 official languages, no-one could agree on the rules, so we had to scrap the game.
We just don't do it any more.
You speak how many languages? - I speak six.
- Six, OK, so what are the six? English, Afrikaans, Zulu, Tswana, Tsonga, Ndebele and I speak a bit of German now.
I'm learning German.
Yeah, I was going to say, you should probably get another language in there, just in case.
- What are the ones with the cool - Xhosa.
Xhosa, that's the clicks.
- Xhosa.
- Wow.
Sorry, that was amazing, can you do it again? - Xhosa.
- Is he calling you a tosser? - LAUGHTER I think he's calling you a tosser, but in, like, the most charming way you could ever do.
Xhosa.
There's three clicks in the language.
- There's the X which is the - HE CLICKS - Then there's the C, that's the - HE CLICKS HIS TEETH - And then there's the Q.
- LOW CLICKS I've got a question about that language.
How do you whisper in it? Can you give us a sentence in that language, using the clicks? So, for instance, something my mum would say would be like HE SPEAKS XHOSA Which means, "I will destroy you with a backhand, "you bastard of a child.
" OK.
Now whisper it.
HE WHISPERS WITH AUDIBLE CLICKS - You can't whisper it.
- Yeah, but you're not supposed to whisper! In African culture, whispering is a very disrespectful thing to do.
Why would you whisper? Why don't you want me to hear what you're saying about me? When you're trying to put someone to bed? LAUGHTER No, I suppose not.
That's a bit creepy, isn't it? - Sean - Yes, hello.
If we were to look up Sean Lock in the dictionary, what would we find? What would be the definition of Sean Lock? If you looked me up in the dictionary, you'd get a four-letter word.
It's got a C in it, a U in it and a T in it.
And that word is, of course, cute.
LAUGHTER But really, I don't think a dictionary has got enough words in it to describe me.
I don't think I'm such an amazing, complicated I'm more like a sensation, an idea.
The best way to describe me is with a fragrance.
You'd smell it and you'd go, "That's Sean Lock" That smell It would be like hot tarmac and a vet's flannel.
LAUGHTER - What is that? What is that aroma? - Hot tarmac and a vet's flannel Jon, is your girlfriend impressed by your Countdown success? Er LAUGHTER Let's be honest, Jimmy, if my girlfriend was into being impressed by stuff, she would probably go out with someone else.
AUDIENCE: Aw! He's not Orville! I wish I could fly - You are quite like Orville.
- I'm not far off, am I? To be fair.
David, have you got a mascot today? Yeah, I have got a mascot today.
And here it is.
It's me, actually.
I should say that in case anyone's turned on Channel 4 and they think this is Embarrassing Bodies and this is my grotesque conjoined twin.
It isn't.
It's a Spitting Image puppet of me and I brought it because I thought it would bring me good luck because it's basically me from the '90s when I was more successful.
I thought that was a good idea.
- The fact that you own that doesn't speak well of you.
- I don't own it.
It was bought by a bloke I don't know for 20 grand at an auction.
And, to be honest, for 20 grand, he could have bought me.
I don't know why, I love that.
Great mascot.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Sort of, yeah.
I'm trying to get the youth into Countdown, obviously, Jimmy.
That would be good, I think, some younger viewers.
That's what this show needs.
So I've been asked to live tweet throughout tonight's show.
So I'm going to log on to the old Twatter Twitter LAUGHTER .
.
and get some young people involved, tweet about some guys.
Mainly angry comments about our discussion about the Xhosa language, at the moment but they can't spell that word, so Trevor, have you got a mascot? Do I have a mascot? I didn't know what to bring.
I just brought I brought biltong with me.
We can eat if things are not going well.
So that's dried meat.
So you take a lovely, succulent piece of beef, leave it out in the sun for four days and go, yeah, stick it in a bag.
See, when you put it like that, Jimmy, it doesn't sound so good.
Sean, have you got a mascot? No, I haven't got a mascot, Jimmy, because I've done a lot of these shows and they don't bring me any luck.
But what I'm I'm using this opportunity to promote a range of products which I am very excited about.
It started off, you know one of my favourite joys in life is, after a party, you come down in the morning and you start to just have a go at stuff that's left.
So I've come up with a range of things like flat cola, for example.
And there's no fizz in it and it just comes out completely, completely flat.
And that's That's lovely.
And then I've got this.
What is better than tomorrow's curry? So the idea is, it's tomorrow's leftovers today.
LAUGHTER There, inside, is a leftover curry.
But you can have that straightaway, you don't have to wait for the next day, you can just have tomorrow's curryNOW! And, um I've also got, particularly I'm keen on What's better than going to the fridge after you've had a Sunday roast and just picking at the carcass? You don't need to wait for the roast, you can buy it, fresh off the shelves.
And, of course .
.
this lovelypizza.
You come down in the morning And I think everyone's getting the idea now.
Look at that, look at that! That's lovely.
You come down in the morning, you go, "Ah, that's there, ah" I've been told not to eat the chicken.
LAUGHTER I forgot.
Of course, with the curry, comes lovely floppy poppadoms.
And you can get Soon these will all be on your shelves.
And remember, it's tomorrow's leftoverstoday! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK and over in Dictionary Corner, it's Joey Essex.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Before Joey agreed to be in Dictionary Corner, he only had two questions.
What's a dictionary? And what's a corner? - A what? A corner? - A corner, yeah.
- A corner? - Yeah.
What, like a triangle? - LAUGHTER - Like a triangle, you know, corners, triangles.
- Yeah.
Three corners, innit? - It's what, sorry? - It's got three corners, innit? LAUGHTER Tonight, Joey will be playing a simplified version of the numbers and letters games, where he just has to work out, which are numbers and which letters.
LAUGHTER Joey, we are delighted to have you here this evening.
I'm delighted to be here, Jimmy.
Now, Joey, you only learned to tell the time last year, - when you were in the jungle.
- Sort of.
Is that clock going to freak you out? It's only got one hand.
Well, I'm good at counting, and that only goes to 30 so - I can count.
I'm a good counter.
- You're a good counter.
But I still can't tell the time.
You can't? Why have you got a watch? - It's a long story, mate.
- What's the watch for? - Well, this is just I dunno.
- LAUGHTER - I've got a lot of watches.
- Joey, are you a Countdown fan? I am.
I've watched a few shows, yeah.
I was on it.
- No, I weren't on Countdown, was I? - You're on it now.
I can see - I'm on it now.
- I can see where the confusion would arise there.
You think, I think I've been on this.
Hang on I'm here now.
- And with Joey, of course, we've got Susie Dent! - APPLAUSE With her regular appearances on Countdown, Susie Dent is easily Britain's most exciting lexicographer.
Although, let's be honest, that is the equivalent of being Britain's deadliest marshmallow.
Susie, are there any South African words we should look out for? We've got Trevor on the show, any South African words or phrases? I can't ever pronounce any of them, so, Trevor, you can put me right.
- Babalas? - Oh, babalas - Babalas is great, it's a hangover.
- Yeah, it's a hangover.
Babalas.
- Babalas.
- Ba-ba-las.
- I like that one.
- And then a bakvissie.
Is that right? - A buck? It's so hard because when you say it, you say South African but then there's 11 so I have to now go through all and then try and figure out which one it sounds closest to.
- OK, bak-vissie - That didn't help me LAUGHTER - A giggly girl, basically.
- No, that's not in my dictionary.
Now, Susie.
How difficult is it to go from the regular Countdown to Cats Does Countdown? Erm, it's quite difficult because I'm only, as Rachel will tell you, I'm only ever funny by mistake.
And not only that, but it takes me hours to realise what everyone is laughing at, so Quite recently, the last recording for Countdown, I decided I would liven things up by talking about the history of lingerie in the dictionary.
So I was taking quite a few words from the dictionary and explaining them to Nick.
And, erm, I went through suspenders and thongs and I got to teddies.
And he looked really confused.
So I gave him the definition of a teddy which was, you know very well, Jimmy.
- Sure! - All in one And he was still looking really, really confused and I said, "Nick, I can tell, you've never come across a teddy.
" LAUGHTER Yeah Everyone was laughing and I was thinking, it is quite funny, thinking of Nick with a teddy.
- And, anyway, I was driving home two hours later - Two hours later?! And pulled over at a service station because I was laughing so hard and then I texted Rachel.
I got a text two hours later, "I finally realise why everyone was laughing!" LAUGHTER OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Now, you're from Essex, Rachel.
- Yeah.
- Joey is from Essex, he's Mr Essex.
- You can tell.
Would you ever consider going on TOWIE? Well, I think the one thing that everyone would agree is missing from TOWIE is a numbers round.
It's more of a language programme at the moment.
Once you've got the vocab you can kind of work out what's going on most of the time.
- Whereabouts in Essex are you from? - Southend, mate.
- Ah.
LAUGHTER Like the one that got away.
I think that's quite a good chat-up technique.
Just ask someone where they're from and when they say go "Really?" Rachel, if the Countdown studio was on fire and you could save me or Sean or Jon, who would you save? Um I think, in that scenario, Sean probably started the fire.
LAUGHTER That is a safe bet, yeah.
Jon's probably worked out the fire escapes and has got his best route.
But I could use your teeth as a beacon, like a torch through the smoke.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Look at his, they're ridiculous.
- I think yours are whiter.
- Sorry? - Yours are whiter.
Mine are not whiter than yours.
Yours are ridiculous.
Yours are ridic.
LAUGHTER OK, tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this, a set of Countdown Golf Clubs.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I just want to tell you I'm very excited about that because my mum collects golf memorabilia.
That's absolutely true.
That's what she does.
She doesn't play golf, she's just mental.
This is one of my mum's golf books.
It's called Beyond The Links, there it is, Sarah Fabian Baddiel.
- She wrote this and each of these books - Is this a real thing? It's a real thing, completely real, absolutely true.
She writes a little poem, or she quotes a little poem at the start of each book.
Can I just read it for you now? - Sure.
- It's "What brightens life throughout the year "And makes all cloudlets disappear? "What binds in friendships strong, sincere? "It's golf.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jolly good.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Trevor, you're to pick the letters.
- Er - Fill your boots.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, Trevor.
U - Thank you.
- LAUGHTER Consonant.
B - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Vowel, please.
A - Thank you.
- Write them down.
Consonant.
L Vowel, please.
A - It's not making a word - LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
R Consonant.
Consonant Oh, yes, thank you.
And aconsonant, please.
L - A vowel, please.
- And the last one E OK, and your time starts, now.
LAUGHTER - How many letters, David? - It is One, two, three, four, five, six.
- Well, you're going to be good in the numbers round, aren't you? - LAUGHTER - Jon, how many letters? - Nine! - AUDIENCE: Whoo! - It's exciting.
Sean? - I've got a six, Jimmy.
- Six, OK, quite respectable.
- Trevor? - Five.
- OK, let's hear your five.
- BRUTE - BRUTE - David, what's your six? - RUBELA.
- It's an illness.
- It's brilliant, - but it's got two Ls and you could have got a seven.
- Oh, bollocks Which, funnily enough, also has two Ls.
- Um Sean? - BUTLER.
- BUTLER.
- Butler.
- Very good.
- Jon, your nine? Erm, it's the way that when you're having sex and you need some assistance You apply a certain thing to ease the passage and the thing that you apply that with is called a LUBALATER.
LAUGHTER - LUBALATER, yeah.
- LUBALATER.
- Susie, LUBALATER? - No.
Sadly, it stops at "lube.
" LAUGHTER So, six points to Sean for BUTLER.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Joey.
Joey, could they have done any better than BUTLER? Well, personally, I wrote down BAR.
LAUGHTER Have you see this bit of the show? Because you've got the dictionary and you've got longer to think, you would tell us the nine-letter word they could have come up with.
- Oh! Sorry about that.
- LAUGHTER - Tablue? - Yeah, TABLEAU.
TABLEAU is another way to say it, yeah.
The correct way.
- And we've got late-errol.
- LATERAL.
Late or lat-eral.
Late-errol or lateral as it's pronounced.
- And the other one was RUBELLA.
Was it RUBELLA? - Yeah, we had RUBELLA.
- Sorry, David.
- Personally, I don't know what any of them mean, but If they are in the dictionary, they must be correct.
- LAUGHTER - Good thinking, Joey.
Good thinking.
Jon, were you live tweeting? Yeah, I've tweeted about lubalater because I'm convinced it's a word.
So I've put it out there.
I've just tweeted, "Hey, guys.
Lost my lubalater.
" If nobody queries it, then I'm convinced it's a word.
Well, let's see.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Trevor are in the lead with six.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, David, your turn to pick the numbers.
Right, so I just pick some numbers? That's pretty much how it normally works.
- One from the top.
- OK, one from the top and do you know the rules? - Do you know how to play? - I have to work out a big sum in a minute.
- No - 30 seconds.
- Not in a minute.
And you don't have to use all of them, - but you can't use each one more then once.
- OK.
- Cool.
Can he do this round for you? Right, your numbers.
You've got 7, 3, 10, 2, - 6 and the big one, 75.
- SEAN: Lovely.
- And the target, 277.
- OK, your time starts, now.
- So the target was 277.
Jon, did you get it? - 275.
- David? - Nowhere near, I'm still doing a sum Er, I think the sum I'm doing .
.
is 741.
So that's quite a long way out.
Quite a long way out, OK.
Trevor, did you get it? I think so.
But I don't know - Sean, did you get it? - Yeah.
I think so, I think so.
OK, Trevor, how did you do it? I think I went 75 multiplied by the 6 - 2 which is 4 By 6 - 2 for 300.
Yeah.
And then what I said was 10 x 3 which is 30.
- Yeah.
- I took that away - 270.
- Yeah, and then I see now Add the 7.
- Yeah! That's right.
- Same as me.
- APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - Did you do it the same way? - Yeah.
- Did you get it, Joey? I didn't, no.
And I would never have been able to get it in my life.
Never.
I'm surprised that you got that, you two.
LAUGHTER Because Rachel's good at sums and she's from where you're from.
I know, yeah.
That's mad.
OK, so, Jon and David have no points, Sean and Trevor have 16.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go over to Joey Essex in Dictionary Corner.
Joey, normally on Countdown we use the Oxford English Dictionary, But this week, I notice there's a glossary in your autobiography.
Yeah, there is.
The Joey Essex Dictionary, yeah.
- The Joey Essex Dictionary.
- It's just a few words that I've made up throughout time and have got popular and people catch on to them and like them.
OK, so first up in the dictionary, Apple Juice.
It sort of means when you want to get somebody away from you.
Like, somebody's really annoying you, you say "Apple Juice" and get someone to push them away.
It's like a code word.
Instead of saying "get them away from me", you say "Apple Juice.
" And they throw them out the club.
What happens if you want an apple juice? I dunno.
I just don't like apple juice, really.
It doesn't affect you.
This can't be right.
Capri Sun? That's a drink, isn't it? Oh, right, yeah.
Apparently I don't know, but apparently, I heard, that there's a place called Capri Sun in the world? Is it true? There's a place called Capri Sun.
I don't know where it is in the world.
There's people live there and when they're in couples Basically, everyone's just weirdos there.
So if someone's a weirdo, you'd say, "He's a Capri Sun"? A pair of Capri Suns.
- A pair of Capri Suns.
- They have to be together.
- They're always together, in pairs.
- Always.
I've never been to Capri Sun, but I imagine it's like that.
And what does it mean Say say? Oh, we use to say I dunno.
I don't even know why this is even a word, but we used to say, "Say say, what what, do do" after a sentence.
And it just would mean, like, "Yeah, sick.
" I dunno.
You would just, on the end of a sentence, say, "Say say, what what, do do"? We'd do something, we'd say something and then go, "Say say" I dunno, I can't really explain it.
- You can't.
- It's not going to click.
So Say say, what what, do do? - It's a bit like the language you've got.
- No LAUGHTER Because I can't get that, but you can't get me.
It's like a Joey Essex language.
- OK, so it's like Xhosa but then - It's a little bit like your proud, African heritage Sort of the same, it's the same.
They They laugh, but I think it would have been so much fun if you were the British people that invaded Africa.
Things would have been so different! LAUGHTER They'd have been there for a week.
Now what do Prawn cocktail? Prawn cocktail, does it mean a fit girl or something like that? Yes, it does, but You should know this, it's in your book.
Yeah, I know, but I thought we used to say salty potato.
Those are the two terms in your book for attractive women.
What, salty potato? She's either a salty potato or a prawn cocktail.
I don't see what's wrong with it.
Do you like salt? - Do I? - Do you like salt? - Yes.
- Do you like potatoes? - Yes.
Well, then That's nice then, innit? LAUGHTER That means you love salty potatoes, the ladies.
- I mean - Got you there, didn't I? Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Essex.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, here is your teaser.
The words are FAN A DONG.
The clue is, "It'll get you hot and sweaty.
" That's FAN A DONG, it'll get you hot and sweaty.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were FAN A DONG.
The clue was - it'll get you hot and sweaty.
It was, of course, FANDANGO.
So, Sean and Trevor are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and David.
David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, David.
A Consonant.
G Another consonant.
V - Oh, dear.
- LAUGHTER I've seen something already.
- Vowel.
- LAUGHTER Please put a vowel up quickly.
E Yeah, OK.
Ermconsonant, please.
M RACHEL LAUGHS LAUGHTER Vowel.
I LAUGHTER Almost there, isn't it? All we need is an N.
- LAUGHTER - Consonant.
R I'm going to go for another consonant.
P PRIME Sorry.
LAUGHTER That's awful you said that.
Andanother vowel.
O OK.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Sean, what did you get? - Six.
- Six.
David? - Five.
Well, let's hear your five.
- GRIPE.
- OK.
Sean, your six? MIRAGE.
Six points to Sean! APPLAUSE Joey, could they have done any better? How much words is it? LAUGHTER Oh, letters, sorry.
Ermit was six how much words.
LAUGHTER - EPIGRAM.
- Epigram means? EPIGRAM.
- Means? You would normally do the definition.
- Oh, I don't have a clue.
- LAUGHTER Epigram means, of course, not having a clue.
- LAUGHTER - Could they have done any better than that, Suzy? VAMPIRE.
VAMPIRE.
IMPROVE.
Lots of sevens.
OK.
So at the end of that, John and David have no points, Sean and Trevor have 22.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Trevor and John to go head-to-head.
Trevor, your turn to pick the numbers.
One big, please, and the rest small.
All little ones.
Thank you, Trevor.
One large one, five little 'uns coming up.
And this time your numbers are 2, 8, 5.
Another 2, 7, and the big one 75.
And the target OK.
And your time starts now.
OK.
So the target was 651.
I'm intrigued to knowwhat Joey's doing a picture of.
I was actually writing 75 x 7.
What would that be? Close.
LAUGHTER JIMMY LAUGHS - APPLAUSE - Close.
Oh! 75 So if I'd done 75 x 8 - I pretty much would've been there, right? - 600.
- Plus 51, yeah.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER - That would've been good, wouldn't it? - Yeah, that would've been.
I'm quite impressed with myself.
- Trevor, how did you do? - I got I just started going through What happened waslike, I thought of another number and then And then I was going for that number and I was getting it.
- LAUGHTER - So you got it, but it was not the thing we were going for? In another universe right now, I've won Countdown.
LAUGHTER That means I beat you? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - John, did you get it? - Er652.
- I was slightly distracted.
- How were you distracted? - Was it? - Lubalator is now trending on Twitter.
LAUGHTER Largely, it has to be said, down to the work of Nigel Mansell, - who's gone mad for it.
- LAUGHTER Unbelievable.
@nigeronicheese - that's his twitter handle - he's just gone, "LMAO lubalator, let's get it trending #legend.
" LAUGHTER 652, I think.
Go on.
How did you do it? 7 + 2 = 9 Yep.
7 + 2 = 9 75 - 2 = 73 Yeah.
Times those together.
For657.
- And then take away the five.
- And then, yeah, one away.
- Exactly.
- Seven points to John.
APPLAUSE Good.
APPLAUSE - Rachel, could it be done? - Yep.
We could've said 2 x 5 = 10 10 + 8 = 18 18 + 75 = 93 93 x 7 = 651 - Yep.
- APPLAUSE - 7 x 9, of course.
- APPLAUSE OK, so John and David have 7, Sean and Trevor have 22.
And here is your teaser.
The words are NOAH STUD.
The clue is - he'll give it to anyone.
That's NOAH STUD - he'll give it to anyone.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NOAH STUD and the clue was, "He'll give it to anyone.
" It was of course, HANDOUTS.
OK, Before we go on.
Joe Wilkinson's on holiday but the good news is, he's sent his half-brother Fabio with a postcard for Rachel.
Oh, thank you.
- Erm, oh, nice little beach.
Shall I read what it says? - Yeah.
"Dear Rachel, I can't make it this week "because I'm on holiday in Magaluf.
"It's pretty good here, except people keep having sex everywhere "while I'm trying to play Cluedo.
"Anyway, I've always thought Countdown was bullshit, "so I've sent some friends of mine along to make it better this week.
"Be nice to them as they are frequent bed wetters.
"Wish you were here (I'm lying), Joe.
"PS: Tell Jimmy he's a tit-head.
" Right, OK, so as Rachel's assistants this week, please welcome Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Could you introduce the band, Alex? - I'd love to.
Yeah, we've Ed Sheldrake on piano, a former, ehchild.
We've got Mark Brown and Joe Auckland, the twins, on horns, Ben Reynolds, who is the lowly drummer, who has got a star sign! We've got Will Collier on bass, who used to Well, he is a member of the National Front.
- National Trust.
- National Trust.
LAUGHTER OK, Alex, you were a champion on the actual Countdown.
Will you be able to actually help Rachel this evening? No.
Because it was very lax, there was a lot of cheating, a lot of steroids.
It was a dark period.
So you were the Lance Armstrong of the Countdown? - Thank you, Jimmy.
- Not a compliment.
Yet! Can you kick us off maybe with some music? You've got a band.
Well, Joe said not to worry too much, so we wrote something on the mini-bus on the way up.
And it's a true story, but we haven't given it a name yet, it's untitled, like my erm, like my dog, like my pet dog.
You haven't named your dog? Just Dog.
Doesn't matter.
He doesn't mind.
He knows no different.
Just Dog.
He thinks he's Doug, but it's Dog.
- Shall we do our song? - Let's do a song, yeah.
# Is it the police? # Is it the fuzz? # Is the Feds? # Is it the rozzers? # Is it the cops? # Is it the Bill? # Is it the five-oh? # Is it the pigs? # Is it the filth? # Is it the narcs? # Is it some bobbies? # Is it Bergerac? ALL: # No! ALL: # It's a Highway Maintenance Vehicle! # LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Sean and Trevor, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a vowel, please? Here we go.
E Consonant, please.
G Another consonant, please.
F OK, another consonant, please.
H Vowel, please.
A Another consonant.
R Vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
V Oh, God.
And another consonant.
And the last one T.
OK, before we start the clock, as we've got the band here, maybe you could play the music for us? What about ragtime? Can you play ragtime? Jimmy wants to know.
They say they'll give it a go.
- Perfect.
OK, your time starts - Three, four RAGTIME VERSION OF COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS HORNS BLARE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, how many letters? - Six.
- Trevor? - I've got five and then I've got four.
- OK, we'll go five then.
- OK, Jon? - Seven.
- David? - Five.
OK.
What's your five, David? GRAVE Keep it light, David.
- Trevor? - Mine is GEVAT.
- What? - How are you spelling that? - G-E-V-A-T.
- SEAN: - What is that? - Something that has been taken.
- In which language? Oh, in Afrikaans.
- No.
- No? - Sorry! Sean, your six? HEATER Yep.
Two E's.
Very good.
- Jon? - FEATHER FEATHER - SUZIE: - Very good.
So, seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Joe, could they have done any better? No, I couldn't have.
But there was HEART, GATHER and FATHER.
OK, so at the end of that Jon and David have 14, Sean and Trevor have 22, they're in the lead.
APPLAUSE Jon, how is the live tweeting going? will.
i.
am has officially bought the rights to Lubilater as his next single.
On the proviso that he can spell "later" L8R.
So I've turned him down.
You don't fuck around with my tunes.
On to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and David, pick the numbers.
Can we have two big ones, and four small ones? - Yes.
Two big, four small.
SEAN: - Old school! - Yeah.
- And for this round, the four smalls - Playing safe.
- .
.
10, 6, 1 - I'm scared.
.
.
and 3, and the large ones, 75 and 25.
And the target, 679.
OK, Alex, could you play the music in a disco style? Can we? Can you do disco? - Your time starts now.
- Three, four DISCO VERSION OF COUNTDOWN THEME PLAYS HORN SQUEAKS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Incredible disco skills, well done, gentlemen.
Erm, what did you get? - I've got it.
- You've got it? - Yeah but I think I might be number-lexic so I don't know if I really did get it.
- Jon, did you get it? - 678.
- OK, you were close but no cigar.
Sean? - Same.
- OK.
- And Trevor? - 678.
OK, so David, how did you do it? I've got to be right.
75 x 10 75 x 10 = 750 then - (25 x 3) 25 x 3 = 75, so 675 Yes, then Now I've fucked up.
Yeah.
Then I thought you could plus Oh, yeah, no, plus 3, plus 1.
- You've already used the 3.
- Oh, I've used the 3 once already.
Ah.
I haven't done it.
You've not done it.
And so Trevor, how did you get 678? I said, 10 - 1 10 - 1 = 9 That gave me 9, multiply that by 75 675 - Which gave me 675 - Uh-huh.
What I then did is I added the 3.
- Yes, one away.
- And then I kept the 6 for later.
APPLAUSE - Jon, how did you do? - I did the same thing.
So, seven points to both teams.
Could it be done, Rachel? Uh, yes.
You could have said, 25 x 3 = 75, 75 + 1 = 76, 76 x 10 = 760, and then 75 + 6 = 81, and then take it away.
APPLAUSE Extraordinary.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and David have 21, Sean and Trevor have 29.
It's pretty close.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are, WET NITES.
And the clue is, "Not at his age.
" That's WET NITES, "Not at his age.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were WET NITES.
The clue was, not at his age, it was of course, TWENTIES.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
- May I please have a consonant, please? - You may, thank you, Jon.
L I said please twice then, so I'm not going to this time.
But don't take that as a sign of rudeness.
Vowel! - Vowel! - I.
Consonant, please.
R Please, please, please may I have a consonant? N Vowel! A Consonant! - G - Vowel, please.
E And another consonant, please.
D What about a vowel? E OK, Alex, what about could you do, like, a James Bond-style Countdown clock? - Yes! - OK, your time starts now.
Three, four BOND THEME-STYLE COUNTDOWN MUSIC - Oh! - APPLAUSE - Nicely done, gentlemen.
Trevor, what did you get? - I think I got seven.
- OK, seven, Sean, how did you do? - Eight.
- Eight, confident, OK.
David? - Seven.
- Jon? - Seven.
- OK, David, what's your seven? - ENRAGED ENRAGED! - Great word.
Trevor? - That's the exact same word I had.
You got ENRAGED as well.
John? - LAUNDER.
- LAUNDER? - Oh, there's no fucking U in there, is there? - Ohhh! Look at him, he's ENRAGED.
- Anus.
- That is double ENRAGED.
- Sean, what did you get? - ENLARGED - Nice! Very good.
- ENLARGED! - Eight points to Sean.
- APPLAUSE Alex, I'm not going to go to Dictionary Corner, I'm going to go to Alex Horne.
Alex, how did you do? I think I got a nine.
REALIGNED? Yeah, fantastic.
Very, very good.
APPLAUSE CHEERING Just like to say at this point, Jimmy, that since we started doing these, I've had this under the desk for if I ever got a nine-letter word.
And I want everyone to know that I'm really pleased for you, Alex.
That you've come on and got one when I didn't write the letters down right.
And I just I'd just like you to pop it because I'm never going to get one.
- I'll catch it in my mouth if you want.
- OK.
I should point out at this point, I bought this from a shop that had the word pound in the title.
You may be overestimating its reach.
OK.
Angle there Wow.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Whoo! - Over to Dictionary Corner.
- We got another nine which is ENGRAILED.
- What, sorry? - ENGRAILED, which is a heraldry term.
But I like REALIGNED.
- I've actually found a word and she said, great.
It was LEARNED.
- Seven.
- You got LEARNED? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That is pretty good.
OK, so, Jon and David have 21, - Sean and Trevor had 37.
- SEAN WHISTLES We crushed them like the dogs they are.
OK.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
- BUZZER - Jon.
- DUMBFOUND? - Very good.
- Let's have a look.
Oh, well done.
APPLAUSE So, the final scores are, Jon and David have 31 points but tonight's winners with 37 are Sean and Trevor! CHEERING Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of these Countdown golf clubs.
Thanks to all our panellists, our studio audience and all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, good night!