Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s04e02 Episode Script

Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! I'd like to get you On a slow boat to China no, no, no.
That's my favourite melody, and it's reining me back to the champers.
Oh, Bricey boy.
how about making me your official arm candy? Oh, Dolly, you're too fruity for me.
I fear we must keep our relationship professional.
Out on the briny Oh, you can stop singing, honey.
he's not interested.
In you perhaps.
Let's dance, dear.
I think it's time for another of those pills.
get me a couple, honey.
They'll help with your periods.
Oh, right.
Mr Whatchacaller, what you doing tonight? hope you're I've no knickers on! hope you're in the mood because I'm feeling just right how's about a corner with a table for two? Excuse me.
I'm trying to work and I can't because of the noise.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, Saffy dear.
It has got a little bit out of hand.
Perhaps you could do something and get rid of them? It was Dolly.
She's got a terrible voice.
It was you I heard singing, gran, so I don't think that's fair.
Oh.
hello.
Brice.
Brice Michaels.
I'm most awfully sorry.
The girls are spinning somewhat.
Tails in the air this evening, I fear.
It's all right.
Is Mum home yet? I don't think so, dear.
Brice runs the Supporting Artistes Agency.
- My card.
- Extras.
non-speaking actors.
- In the Chamberpot of Secrets.
- Harry Potter.
The Chamber of Secrets? - It's only pin money.
- Yes, but we enjoyed it.
- Pin money? - No.
Hot dog! I say, what a smashing nightie.
Hey! Don't let your lazy eye wander.
I'm a Muggle.
Oh, here they come.
It's my daughter and her friend.
- Tinkety tonk! - Your cue to leave.
They don't frighten me, so don't let them bully you.
Admire your crust, but I'll take the opportunity to bid you goodnight.
- Yes.
Come on, Dolly.
- Chariots ahoy.
- What the hell are they doing here? - Trolls and vampires.
Where have you been? Where have we been? Marilyn Manson concert.
Where do you think? We've been moshpitting it.
Eddie, I'm a mosh queen.
- Yeah, I'm a mosh queen, aren't I? - Well, well - Apart from that.
Ow.
- What did you do? She tried to crowd surf and the tide went out.
Yeah.
The sea just parted.
I don't know how.
They'd never seen anything that old flying at them.
Look at that little face.
You don't know what we're talking about, darling.
Want a drink, Eddie? Yeah.
What have you got? Veuve and Bourb.
Veuve and Bourb.
have a bit of Veuve and Bourb.
It's all the new stuff, darling.
You know, Slipknot, Papa Roach, Korn.
Makes the Sex Pistols sound like pop music.
- Listen to that.
- That's mine! - I only borrowed it.
- next time, ask! I'll ask.
Please.
There.
What do you think? What do you think?! - It's just swearing.
- It's ironic.
I love it.
I love it.
Darling, darling Wait till I turn it on.
hang on.
Oh! Ow! Sorry, sorry.
You've got caught up.
- Ow! Eddie, what are you doing? - Sit down! - What are you doing? - Sit down.
What have you done? Oh, you've got a tiny little knot, sweetie.
- I'll cut it.
- O! It's mine.
Let me try.
O! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - I haven't even touched you.
- Oh.
It's tangled in your necklace.
Lift your hair up.
No! I don't know what you've managed to do.
- Take the scissors.
- Don't give her anything sharp! Do you have to be that close? - I can be closer.
- Eddie! have a drink, darling.
We are stars in that dope show, aren't we? Hey, do you think we should go and see the Stones on tour? - I think they're a bit sad.
- Sad, yeah.
We don't want to look sad.
What's sad is you saying sad.
Tell her not to speak.
I can feel her dog breath on my neck.
We are not sad.
We are still hip to the beat.
We are still out there.
My flash it is the lick, buddy boy.
All right? Hip speak.
What is it you say? Time is like a stretched elastic band.
You can't let it go or it'll flick back and take your eye out.
There you go.
Rockers should stay rocking or die.
Or choke on their own vomit.
- Overdose into the Hall of Fame.
- Yeah.
Ot play golf, not retire, not fish! Not fish.
Darling, darling Not Roger Daltrey! - Not fish farm! - Not fish farm! They should die with a needle in their arm, not a hook in a trout.
That man just went from Tommy to tuna.
And what he used to be! We won't be fooled again! At least old Macca's back on the scene.
Old Paul McCartney.
Macca.
In his trainers.
I should have had him, shouldn't I? I chased him hard enough.
- The Beatles went for odd ones.
- Yeah.
Like Yoko - just that wall of hair.
Couldn't tell where the pubes ended and the feet started.
Sort of yeti, wasn't it? I wouldn't have been happy.
I'm too red-blooded for Macca.
I'd never be happy with just a sort of Vegetarian sausage.
- Keep still! - I am still! She's very still.
Patsy's very calm, darling.
- Thank you.
- What are you on? - Rohypnol.
- Oh, it's working.
It's working.
Why aren't you dead? Sweetheart! Because she started young.
When other kids were pinning the tail on the donkey, Patsy was looking for a vein.
It wasn't a question! Don't speak, and keep your face away, and your your hair! My hair isn't anywhere near you.
Your face hair.
What, darling? Keep your face hair away from her.
What are we going to do this week? I don't know, Eddie.
We need a plan.
- Are you on holiday? - No.
Not "on holiday", darling.
We're just taking a little break from the 24/7 hedonistic lifestyle.
Are you here this week? - Yes.
- Always here.
Always here.
Actually, darling, Patsy and I had a little idea about how you could earn a bit of money to leave home.
Oh.
We thought you might sell your eggs.
Everyone's doing it on the Internet.
You pop 'em out and sell them to the highest bidder.
Don't include a photo.
Might put off a prospective purchaser.
What's your problem? You don't need them.
In fact, we could get a little pinhole camera and do a virtual tour of your ovaries.
People could pick their own.
Pick your own eggs.
Have a little sign.
£10,000 per punnet.
What about that? - I don't feel very well.
- Can I help you? I think I'm going to faint.
I'm going to throw up.
It's only Patsy.
What? - What? - Oh, damn.
- What? - Lid's come off my Amyl.
- Let me know if you need anything.
- Thanks.
Who's that? Saff! Saff! Saffy! - Saff! Didn't you hear me, darling? - Yes.
- There is a man - Building All right.
Man not building motorway through house.
Then why man standing there measuring? - Morning, sweetheart.
- Morning, darling.
- Where did she sleep? - In that little room.
- The utility room? - My room! - No! - Oh, darling.
Just for a week.
- Come on, sweetheart.
- What man? The gardener.
He's doing the garden.
What garden? I think she means that bit out the back.
The garden.
I'm having it redesigned.
Oh, "having it redesigned.
" I think somebody's been watching too much of those TV shows, darling.
What's that woman called? Two udders and a watering can.
Oh, yeah, Charlie Dimmock.
Charlie Dimmock, sweetheart, is it? Are you paying this man? His company.
He runs the company.
- What's his name? - Jago.
- Jago.
- Jago Balfour.
Jago Balfour? Jago Balfour, Eddie.
He's running this company? Yes.
He seems very nice.
- And is he well - hung? Oh! - I didn't mean that.
- Is he well bred? - Bred.
- Posh? Yes, I suppose so.
He went to Eton, but it doesn't seem to have affected him.
Eddie, Eddie.
Jago Balfour.
I think I knew his older brother.
- That can't be - Yeah.
Doggy Balfour.
Doggy Balfour.
He had this huge estate out in He's absolutely rolling in it.
Do you think this is the same Balfour? - Check him out.
- Check him out.
What are you doing with that? - I'm going to give it to Jago.
- I'll take it out.
Can I borrow your placky booties? All right, darling.
I'll take it out.
Well, go on.
It's upstairs through the French windows.
I knew it was upstairs! - There you go.
- Thank you.
Very kind.
It's my garden.
Oh, right.
I think it's lovely.
That was just my daughter.
Do you do it yourself? What? The garden.
Yeah.
I love it.
I love all this um You know, all the stuff.
Those things.
- The green.
- Yeah.
Ooh, darling, ooh! I can't believe you let me go out looking like this.
Did you ask him? No.
We just talked about the garden.
It's quite nice out there actually.
It's quite nice.
Darling, he's quite nice out there.
Oh, really, sweetie? Oh, good, good.
He's too young for you.
Anyway, how would you know? Because, darling, I am an experienced woman, all right? Besides, he had on quite tight jeans.
Could you see his bog bamboo? Yeah.
I got a little hint of an acorn.
It's disgusting! Why don't you just let him get on with it? He's quite lovely.
- Let's get you dressed.
- Get me dressed.
Right.
Here I go.
Va va voom, darling.
Va va va voom.
Va va va voom.
Just remember the plan of action, Eddie.
OK? You go for him, and step two - the house party.
The house party.
What's step three? Step three is to rut him and beget the son and heir.
In fact, that might be step two.
Oh, right, right, right.
Darling, if he's the younger brother, he won't have inherited.
O, darling.
Doggy's dead.
Overdosed.
- Hurrah! - Yeah.
Good, good.
Go for it! - Plans for the garden.
- Right.
Let's have a look.
Maybe I should show them to - Was that your mother? - Yes.
Sorry.
She didn't look old enough to have a daughter as old as you.
You might be confusing age with maturity.
She made me this old.
I'll wait for her.
She's getting dressed.
She'll be hours.
It's OK.
Yeah.
Poor old Doggy.
But, still, the parties.
The parties he used to give made Satanism look like a bar mitzvah.
Doggy chasing every orifice no matter where it was.
And after dinner, brain surgery - trepanning the skull for fun! - Ooh.
- Oh, Doggy.
Yup, he lived the way he died.
I can see him now just quite still in the bath.
A stiff with a stiffy and a smile and a little fleck of foam at the corner of his mouth.
Sweet.
- We could have servants, darling.
- Oh, yeah.
- Butlers, maids, houseboys.
- Houseboys.
A lot of servants.
What do you call it when it's a lot of servants? Er, an orgy? - I want just squares.
- Can we just soften the lines? Oh, I've got an idea.
Please don't say water feature.
It's just a pebble bubble fountain.
It's just a hose coming through some pebbles.
Look, why don't we just wait for your mother? - What was her name? - Edina.
She was lovely.
It's a lovely name.
It was Edwina.
- Look, she'll be hours.
- It's OK.
Oh, dear.
The girls not here? I've got a minibus waiting outside.
Ah, there you are.
These are for you.
Best put them in some water.
I am sorry for last night.
Is it all right if I wait? I'm running a bit Oh, tinkety tonk.
I say, how do you do? My card.
I've got to go.
Will you be all right? She'll be down at some point.
- Right as rain.
- Fine.
Just waiting for the ladies.
- I.
- I.
I.
I.
Oh! - This is Patsy.
- I.
I've got the plans for the garden.
Ooh.
They look lovely.
- Are you Doggy's brother? - That's right.
Where are those girls? Hermione's waiting outside.
Put her teeth in back to front.
Looks as if she's eating her own head.
Will you wait somewhere else? - All right.
- No, no.
Stay.
Stay.
Right.
As you can see, I've made some suggestions for plants.
Er, endymion hispanicus, dierama pulcherrimum, galtonia candicans, fritillaria imperialis, acanthus hirsutus, wisteria sinensis Alba Veronica beccabunga, digitalis purpurea, serringa vulgaris, forsythia intermedia Cruising.
That's the hot ticket these days.
Will you wait over there? Ships the size of blocks of flats, but marvellous.
They treat you very well.
Clematis Jackmanii superba.
Edera helix.
But you don't get a porthole.
- You have a wonderful aura.
- Thank you! Eccremocarpum scaber.
Festuca glauca.
You have really lovely eyes.
Pennisetum, villosum, pulsatilla.
And he doesn't have a wheel.
Just um Immaculata.
A computer mouse.
That's all I need.
Will you go out?! Oh, you beautiful doll! No, you should go low.
You were always lower.
No.
My range has never changed, dear.
A range has more than four notes.
Girls, girls.
Get rid of them before I deadhead them.
- Can we have some pills? - I'm getting them.
What pills? give me those.
What are you taking? You can't have that.
That's my emergency HRT Oh.
Come along, girls.
I'm on a double yellow.
Emergency RT.
I don't need it.
I won't need it for decades the way my juices are flowing.
Don't overdo it, Eddie.
- I can't do this.
You take over.
- No.
My tactics are working.
I don't want an audience.
Get out.
Talk some more Latin.
I love it when you talk Latin.
- Why don't we continue this later? - What? - I've another job to go to.
- O#h.
Would you have dinner with me? I know it's out of the blue, but I'm only in town for a few days and Well, er Well Well, er, yes! Great.
I'll give you a ring.
Pull.
Pull.
I don't think I've got pelvic floor muscles.
I can't feel any movement there.
You've got to practice.
You haven't had kids.
I've had two heads through mine.
- Mine's more a one-way system.
- Yes.
I can still blow smoke rings through mine.
- Are you doing it now? - Oh, yeah.
- Let's get those tits up, darling.
- Tits up.
Ot the straps.
I've got an inflatable thing.
It's a new blow-up bra.
Tube.
Just blowing them up, darling, for tonight.
For my date with Jago.
O, don't include her.
To keep on schedule, you've got to go for it.
- Go for it.
- Are you her coach? No, darling.
It's only sex, innit? It's only sex.
It's only Sex! Sex, is it, darling? Why are you hatching this plan? You hate the country.
Not the kind of country he's got, darling.
Patsy and I were in the country last week.
- Were we? - Ireland.
- That celebrity shoot.
- Yeah.
Patsy shot a Corr.
I was aiming for Bono.
Anyway, you'll have the house to yourself a bit more for your writings, your little scribblings.
- Then, sleep with him.
- Thank you.
I will.
I think I might become a hot couple.
Don't you think? Me and Jago - hot couple? Get in all the magazines, play polo Always going for the end result without the process.
- I like results, darling.
- Yes, but life is in the details.
Now you've lost me.
Anyway Mum.
Oh, no.
Look at that.
I know what that is.
That's the "You are going to use contraception" face, isn't it? - Well? - No, Eddie! - Beget the son and heir.
- Oh, beget the son and heir.
- No! - Yes, darling.
It's all right when you have a baby now.
You can choose.
You came before the right to choose.
Nowadays, you just sort of hand in an order form.
You just get a little chart - skin tone, eye colour.
You get it genetically modified.
No chance of another hideous accident.
Don't be so ridiculous.
Oh, that's him! That's him.
Go and answer it.
Wait a minute! When I come back, I don't want anyone here.
Now, Eddie, keep focused, darling.
Keep focused.
Tonight you're going to knock him dead.
No fancy moves, just knock him dead.
Aah.
I.
I.
You look lovely.
I had to borrow some clothes.
I had nothing in town.
Off you go, Eddie.
See you later.
Don't let me keep you.
Haven't you got a play to write that nobody ever goes to see? People do go and see them.
Yeah, I'm a kind of vegetarian.
It's just that I eat meat.
I never have, but I have been known to nibble the odd ear lobe.
Come in, come in, come in.
Have a seat.
- You look tense.
- No, I'm fine, really.
- I do a great back massage.
- Oh, yeah? What about the fronts? Come here.
Oh, look at that.
What are you thinking? I was thinking, do flowers have sex? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
With bees.
I remember.
- Come on.
- Oh.
- Wait, wait.
- What's the matter? It's just er I am quite big with my clothes off, you know.
Come here.
- It's just - Let's go upstairs.
Yeah.
Let's go upstairs.
What a mess.
What a mess.
- I like you looking wild.
- Yeah.
Looking wild.
Don't be nervous.
Relax.
Like Saffy says, I always want to cut to the result, not the process.
- I'm going to make another joint.
- Yeah, let's have a joint.
Here we are.
Saffy's put some mints out for me.
There's some papers in the joint box if you want to roll us a joint.
- I'm going to get undressed.
- Let me undress you.
No.
There is a skill.
I thought you were downstairs.
Go in the shower, go in the shower.
Get in the shower! There.
There.
Now stay there.
Come and smoke this.
Coming! Just getting undressed.
Eddie? I hadn't quite finished.
There, there.
Now, don't listen.
Stay in here and don't watch.
There we are.
Oh, you're that side.
I'll come round.
Just left enough on for you to play with.
Tits, lips, tits, lips.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, joint.
I love you the way I love trees.
You know, when I touch a tree, I feel connected, you know, to the ancient.
Oh.
I believe there is a divinity in every natural living object.
You are my high priestess and I am your high priest.
What? When all my thoughts are exhausted, I like to slip into the forest and gather a pile of shepherd's purse.
Like the little stream winding its way through the mossy crevices, I too quietly turn clear and transparent.
Yeah.
Talk the Latin again.
I love it when you talk Latin.
Chaenomeles speciosa.
Kerria japonica.
Clematis jackmanii superba.
Edera helix.
Ydrangea petiolaris.
Oh, yes.
Love the Latin.
Love the Latin.
Mine are the forests and the streams and the rivers and the mountains.
Mine is the cup of the wine of eternal youth.
All is come from the cauldron of Kevidwen, and I will know.
Rut her.
Rut her.
Rut her.
Rut her.
So mote it be! Morning.
Morning.
I think I was a little stoned last night.
You were wonderful.
It's good stuff.
I grow it on the estate.
Yeah.
I was wondering, do you ever get lonely in that house? Not really.
What, that huge house? That huge house and huge estate? We were thinking maybe come out this week Well, I don't live in the house.
- What? - I live in the gatehouse.
- With all that money? - There is no money.
Doggy put it all up his nose.
I had to sell the estate.
I sold it to Roger Daltrey.
It's now a It's a fish farm.
No! Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Shame it didn't work out.
Still, he did say I was wonderful.
No, Eddie.
No.
He said it, darling.
He said No, darling.
I was there.
Is it going to be a pond or a bird bath? Oh, it's a pebble bubble fountain.
The water spills out over the stone.
It's very contained and safe.
- What's the point of that, dear? - What's the matter with you? She's having hormonal cold turkey.
Deserves it as well.
Time for another drinky before we go.
- Where are you going? - New York.
They don't let people with drug convictions in.
Darling, it's not a conviction.
- Just a firm belief.
- Yes.
This wheel shall explode! Ziggy played guitar.