All In The Family s04e02 Episode Script
We're Still Having a Heat Wave
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
It's too bad the air conditioner ain't working, Mike.
Is the fan making you feel any cooler? Only the inside of my knees.
The rest of me is dying.
How do you keep so cool in this heat, Ma? I just think about my mother.
How does thinking about your mother help you keep cool? Well, she used to say that keeping cool is just a case of mind over matter.
Oh, yeah, you mean like auto suggestion? Oh, no, we never had a car.
She meant you just gotta think cool thoughts.
Hothothot! Oh, hi, Gloria.
Hi, Gloria.
Don't get up, Michael.
I wasn't planning to.
Because if you hugged me you'd stick to me.
Oh, Ma, the subway was so hot, so crowded, so jam-packed I wanted to go, "Aaargh!" And I did.
You did? What happened, Gloria? Nothing.
Nobody even turned around.
I'm going upstairs to take a shower and I may never come out.
Quick.
Somebody say something cold to me.
Hi, Mrs.
Lorenzo.
That's not cold enough, Michael! Would you like a cold drink? Now you're getting warmer! Oh, and you wanted me to get colder.
Oh! It's a joke.
I get it! Well, come on inside.
I've got some nice fresh-made lemonade.
Don't bother taking it out of the fridge.
I'll just crawl right in with it.
Oh.
Frank said thanks for the use of the mixer.
You know, the motor was heating up, so I overhauled it for you.
Oh, thank you, Irene.
Oh, you're so handy.
How did you ever learn all that? Oh.
Self-defense, Edith.
Self-defense.
I just got so sick and tired of being talked down to by repairmen.
"Lady, you don't understand these things.
Take my word for it.
It's a big job.
" Oh, yeah, I've heard that.
Well, I got even for all of us.
I read a forbidden book.
The Handyman's Guide to Home Repair.
Oh, my! And I learned to fix things myself.
And every time I turn a screw, I like to think there's some repairman on the other end of it.
Oh! Oh, Irene! Oooh! [GIGGLING.]
You know, this may sound silly.
I know you're not a movie star or nothing, but I think I'm getting to be a fan of yours.
Edith, thank you! Maybe we can exchange autographed pictures later.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
Listen, you were going to tell me places to shop in the neighborhood.
I have a couple of things to pick up.
Yeah, sit down and I'll tell you! Now, the first place to go is Ferguson's Market.
It's right around the corner.
But when you go to check out, don't go to Agnes on counter two, because if you forget to ask her for Green Stamps she won't give them to you because she's saving them for her own book.
Go to Sybil Gooley on counter one.
She's wonderful with Green Stamps.
But you got to watch her on change.
Oh, not that she's dishonest.
It's just that she catches colds all the time and that makes her breathe through her mouth and her glasses fog up and she don't count the change right.
For fish For fish, you go to Levy's Fish Market.
And for fruits and vegetables, you go to Roselli's.
His stuff is fresher.
Only, if the tomatoes are squishy, that means Mrs.
Goldblatt's been there ahead of you.
She's a squeezer.
Well, I guess that's everything.
Any questions? No.
I got it all.
Now, what was it you wanted to buy? A housecoat and a pair of slippers.
Edith, have you started cooking dinner yet? No, I was just going-- Well, don't.
I want to have Frank come over and make you a big gourmet dinner right in front of your very eyes.
Oh, I don't want him to go to all that trouble.
It's no trouble at all.
And Frank will love it.
MICHAEL: Excuse me.
Oh.
Just wanted to get something to eat.
But, Mike, we're going to have dinner pretty soon.
That's all right.
I'll be finished by then.
Irene, wait! I'll tell you where you can get your housecoat and slippers.
At Kressler's Department Store.
That's where Gloria-- Oh, hi, there, girls.
I'm going to tell you If this ain't the hottest day in the last 25 years Where the hell are you? Edith? Edith! Hi, Archie.
I'll be right back! Wait a minute.
Where are you going, huh? Oh, look at this.
For once I come home from work and I'm ready to tell her about my day and all she does is [GRUMBLING.]
ARCHIE: Well, if this ain't a beautiful sight for a working man to come home.
Close the icebox door there, Meathead.
I want to get something.
Come on! You're letting all the cold out.
I don't know what I want yet.
Can't you close the door until you can make up your mind? How can I make up my mind until I see what's in there? You ain't got brains enough for that, I'll help you.
Here.
Here's something for you right now.
This is Crisco.
What do you care? You eat anything.
Hiya, Daddy! Oh, holy cow! Get away from me! What do you mean, coming downstairs in front of your father dressed like that? Put some clothes on you.
I got some clothes on.
Where? Where? Here, here.
Oh! Daddy, it's the same thing I wear on the beach.
It ain't the same as the beach.
The beach is different.
Why? Because the beach has got sand and umbrellas and hot dogs and Orange Crush.
Look at you.
You don't know the difference between a beach and your own living room? Now take that off.
Okay.
Not here! Go upstairs and put a dress on you.
Oh, boy, Daddy.
You know something, you're the kind of person that would put pants on Michelangelo's David.
I don't care what any other father does with his kid.
I take care of my own.
[WOLF-WHISTLES.]
Oh, thank you, Michael.
Oh, look at this.
What kind of a bum would whistle at his own wife? I can't help it, Arch.
It's the Crisco.
It turned me on.
Hubba hubba.
What's cookin', good-lookin'? Watch my smoke.
Hot stuff, huh, Arch? You are pure filth.
At least he says what he's thinking.
What's bothering you? Besides you, your mother.
What's your problem with Ma? She ain't here.
That's the problem.
She probably went next door to talk to Mrs.
Lorenzo.
What's the big deal? Oh, she's always over there and neglecting her own home here.
What's the big attraction over there at Lorenzo's? It's simple: ever since the Lorenzos moved in, Ma has someone to talk to.
She's always got somebody to talk to.
I know, but now someone's listening.
Who's she married to, anyway? Me or them? You know what, Daddy? You're jealous.
I ain't jealous.
Yeah.
You're jealous.
EDITH: Hi, everybody! I'm back! What? What do you mean, "Hello, everybody, I'm back"? Who are you trying to be today? Bette Davis or Shirley Temple? What are you picking on Ma for? A minute ago you were missing her.
You were, Archie? Keep quiet, you! Look at her.
All mouth and belly button there.
I told you something.
Now I give you an order.
Get upstairs and get some clothes on, and take the Polack Mark Spitz with you.
Watch it, all right? Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
That's just like you, Daddy.
We catch you feeling something for Ma, and then you got to turn it into a cheap Polish joke.
Oh, forget it, Gloria.
Just get out of here, all right? I just realized what's bothering me.
It's not the heat.
It's the stupidity.
Get him away from me.
If I wasn't so dog-tired, I'd give you one of these.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Well? How was your day? Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's too late for that.
Time to ask me that is when I come in the door and the whole lousy day is fresh on my mind.
Well, why don't you start with the subway and maybe it'll all come back to you.
I don't wanna talk about the subway.
I wanna talk about my wife.
Oh, then you're talking to the right person.
Why are you spending so much time with the Lorenzos? You're neglecting your own house here.
Look at the table here.
Ain't no dinner there.
The air conditioner over here is still broke.
And I come home, wore out after a hard day at work, I'm half-prostate in the heat.
Archie, why don't we have Irene Lorenzo take a look at our air conditioner? She's really very good with her hands.
Yeah, well, I wish she'd use them to choke that husband of hers that's singing night and day over there.
He's singing in the middle of the night.
He's got every alley cat in the neighborhood throwing up.
Why are you always over there, anyway? Why can't you stay here where you belong? Archie! You miss me! I miss dinner on the table.
You do miss me.
Oh, Archie! Coming from you, that's like a real love letter.
Now that you got your love letter, would you get dinner on the table? Dinner! That reminds me.
Let me tell you about a surprise that's coming.
Oh, a surprise? I got a surprise I wanna tell you about.
Oh, no, let me tell you mine first.
Oh, no, save it.
Save it, Edith.
I gotta tell you mine before it happens.
Edith, Edith, this is a surprise for Frank Lorenzo next door.
Wait till you see this.
The next time he starts singing, I got this for him now.
What is that lousy old song he's been singing all week long? Sing that for me.
You're asking me to sing? Just this once.
If I can take it, so can you.
Go ahead.
Go on, go on.
All right.
We're havin' a heat wave A tropical heat wave [BLARING.]
That's what he's gonna get the next time he starts singing in the middle of the night.
I don't have to yell across the alley or nothing.
I'll just give him that-- Oh, Archie! Huh? Where did you get that? Stretch Cunningham loaned it to me.
He takes it with him to the ball games all the time.
Ain't that a beauty? Look at that.
Huh? Ha, ha, ha! Now, what was the surprise you had for me? Well, the-- Oh! [BLARES.]
Oh, put that away.
Now, the surprise is this-- FRANK: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Sound the trumpet! Bang the drum! Here comes dinner.
Yum, yum, yum! Oh! Into the kitchen, Irene.
Surprise! This will be the height of French cuisine.
Young carrots, baby onions, fresh mushrooms, and four perfectly matched sprigs of parsley.
Uno, due, tre, quattro! Oh, my, I just love to hear you talking in French.
That's not French, it's Italian.
Oh.
That must be hard, cooking in French and counting in Italian.
But I love the challenge.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Time to take out our first course.
And my first course will be soup, the magnificent, incomparable vichyssoise.
Oh.
Ohh! It's ice-cold.
I'd better heat it up.
No, no, no! Please, it's supposed to be served cold.
You warm up vichyssoise and it weeps.
Really? Oh, I'd better tell Archie about it before he eats it.
He ain't never had cold soup before, not on purpose.
Oh.
Don't you worry.
He'll love this.
Now, how would you like to see how I make my vegetables à la Grecque? Oh, I'd love it.
Good.
Watch carefully and feel free to ask questions.
All right.
How did you and Irene meet? Well, I met Irene going through a revolving door and we have been going around together ever since.
Huh? [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
That was a bad one, wasn't it? Oh, no! You're always joking, ain't you? You're never serious.
That's just a hangover from when I was a salesman.
Jokes meant sales, and believe me, my jokes were no laughing matter then.
Which reminds me, did you hear the one about the dentist who married the manicurist? [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's not the joke.
Oh.
You know what they did? No.
They fought tooth and nail.
That's the joke.
Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That was another bad one, wasn't it? I hope it didn't get to the food.
[BLOWING.]
Well, pardon me asking, but, uh, does your husband do a lot of the cooking over your house? He does all of it.
He loves it.
Oh, well, ain't you a little afraid of what people could think? You mean, that I'm a lazy wife? No.
That he's a fag.
Is that--? Is that what you think? Oh, no, no.
I don't think that.
I mean, because I know he's Italian.
And Italians are always bothering women.
Then there must be a little Italian in you.
Oh, no, no.
I-- Was you trying to give me a shot there? No, no.
I thought I was paying you a compliment.
Oh, because what you said there, well, I guess I kind of misconscrued it.
But if he's got time to do all that cooking and all that, he must be retired, huh? Semi-retired.
Semi-retired, what does that mean? He drives halfway to work and then comes back again? Well, let me ask you this, how is it that you retired to this neighborhood instead of to Florida like the rest of the world? Oh, we tried Florida, St.
Petersburg.
No matter where we went, we always got stuck behind a funeral procession.
So Frank said as long as we have to face death every day, we might as well come back to New York.
Jeez, look at the time, and no dinner on the table yet.
Well, do you want it quick or do you want it good? I want it today.
I'll say one thing about Edith's cooking, ready or not, it's on the table at 6:00.
You don't really like women, do you? How can you say that? I married one, didn't I? That's how I can say that.
That was a shot.
[FRANK SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Oh, gee, there he goes again with that singing.
Ain't that terrible? I think it's lovely.
I think he ought to get himself a monkey.
Dinner! Come to the table.
A meal fit for a king.
Irene, you sit there.
Frank, you sit here.
Archie, you sit there.
And I'll sit here.
You see how I worked it out, Archie? Boy, girl, boy, girl.
Now that we know what we are, Edith, can we eat? Oh, wait a minute.
This is just like a holiday meal.
Don't you think we should say a few words first? Yeah, I know just the words to say.
Bless the meat, damn the skin, open your kisser and cram it in.
Hey, I bet you never heard that kinda grace before, huh? No.
And I wish I'd never heard that one.
Come on, let's eat, everybody, huh? I can't wait to see your faces when you dig in.
Uh, see what we got here.
Archie! Don't shake my arm.
Look at this.
Three blows and all the heat's gone out of it.
It's vichyssoise, Archie.
It's supposed to be cold.
The soup is supposed to be cold? Yeah.
If you warm it up, it cries.
Well, uh, I'll tell you what-- See? I cook my heart out with that soup and he's not eating it.
It's a flop! No! No, no, Frank.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't get excited.
Look, if it'll make you feel better, I'll keep it over here by me.
Come on, Frank.
No.
Come on, give us a smile.
No.
Come on, Irene.
Come on, come on.
Come on, Irene.
Stop.
There it comes, sweetheart.
Irene.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
There it is.
Look at that beautiful big smile.
From ear to Shining ear See what she does to me? She's a witch, a witch! For a minute there I thought she was gonna burp you.
Archie, where are you going? You haven't tasted anything.
What are you talking about? The cold soup was a taste thrill.
I'll see you in a few moments.
Oh, but, Archie I told you, he hates it, he hates it.
Oh, no, no! Edith, I don't think Archie's very happy about our being here.
No.
He loves you being here.
And he's gonna love all the food, I know.
When you live with a man long enough, you know what he's thinking, and believe me, I've lived with Archie long enough.
You see? You see? That's what happens when you cook a gourmet dinner for a man who's not even ready for McDonald's.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Now, snap out of it.
Hey, I think something else is disturbing you besides the dinner.
All right, I'll tell you what's bothering me.
Do you realize how much time you've been spending with Edith? Do you realize that this is the first chance I've had to talk to you alone all day? Frank, you missed me.
I miss you? I miss you? The bathroom faucets are leaking, my electric razor started to whistle again, the floorboards are all loose.
Sure I miss you.
That's the most romantic thing you've said to me since I plugged up the leak in your dishwasher.
Leave me alone! If I gotta eat a cold dinner, I'm gonna eat something American: spaghetti.
You're gonna hurt his feelings.
He worked so hard.
To hell with him.
Oh, put that down! Give me that back here.
Archie Bunker, you listen to me.
Ever since you've come home here tonight, you've been acting like a little boy.
Because I'm hungry! And I'm talking! Every time I start to make new friends, something always happens between you and them.
But I ain't gonna let it happen with Frank and Irene, because I like them and they like me.
They're my friends and I wanna keep them.
[WHINING.]
What do you want me to do? I want you to go back in there and be nice to them.
Oh, go ahead and I'll follow you.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
Oh, go on, go on.
Go on.
Archie! Get in there! Everybody, we found out what was making Archie act queer.
Different, not queer! It's the heat.
He hasn't been himself for days.
And until the air conditioner gets-- Would you like me to take a look at it? Keep away from it.
Oh, Archie, I think our friend should look at it.
Yeah, well, all right.
It's just that, you know, I always figured the first law of nature is that women and machinery don't mix, you know? I mean, why do you think God gave men short hair? So it wouldn't get caught in the machinery.
You read my mind.
That's not the hardest thing in the world to do.
That's another shot.
Why don't we all sit down and eat.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful! [SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Can I ask you something, Frank? You gotta sing all the time? Frank, why do you have to sing all--? He sings when he's happy.
I sing when I'm happy Archie, I sing Okay, be happy, Frank! Be happy and sing! If you wanna be happy, be happy! I'll make everybody happy.
[BLOWING HORN.]
There.
The Lorenzos are gone, the dishes are all done and now you've got me all to yourself.
Yeah, that's right, Edith.
And that's the way it should be too.
Think I'll go to bed.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
It's too bad the air conditioner ain't working, Mike.
Is the fan making you feel any cooler? Only the inside of my knees.
The rest of me is dying.
How do you keep so cool in this heat, Ma? I just think about my mother.
How does thinking about your mother help you keep cool? Well, she used to say that keeping cool is just a case of mind over matter.
Oh, yeah, you mean like auto suggestion? Oh, no, we never had a car.
She meant you just gotta think cool thoughts.
Hothothot! Oh, hi, Gloria.
Hi, Gloria.
Don't get up, Michael.
I wasn't planning to.
Because if you hugged me you'd stick to me.
Oh, Ma, the subway was so hot, so crowded, so jam-packed I wanted to go, "Aaargh!" And I did.
You did? What happened, Gloria? Nothing.
Nobody even turned around.
I'm going upstairs to take a shower and I may never come out.
Quick.
Somebody say something cold to me.
Hi, Mrs.
Lorenzo.
That's not cold enough, Michael! Would you like a cold drink? Now you're getting warmer! Oh, and you wanted me to get colder.
Oh! It's a joke.
I get it! Well, come on inside.
I've got some nice fresh-made lemonade.
Don't bother taking it out of the fridge.
I'll just crawl right in with it.
Oh.
Frank said thanks for the use of the mixer.
You know, the motor was heating up, so I overhauled it for you.
Oh, thank you, Irene.
Oh, you're so handy.
How did you ever learn all that? Oh.
Self-defense, Edith.
Self-defense.
I just got so sick and tired of being talked down to by repairmen.
"Lady, you don't understand these things.
Take my word for it.
It's a big job.
" Oh, yeah, I've heard that.
Well, I got even for all of us.
I read a forbidden book.
The Handyman's Guide to Home Repair.
Oh, my! And I learned to fix things myself.
And every time I turn a screw, I like to think there's some repairman on the other end of it.
Oh! Oh, Irene! Oooh! [GIGGLING.]
You know, this may sound silly.
I know you're not a movie star or nothing, but I think I'm getting to be a fan of yours.
Edith, thank you! Maybe we can exchange autographed pictures later.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
Listen, you were going to tell me places to shop in the neighborhood.
I have a couple of things to pick up.
Yeah, sit down and I'll tell you! Now, the first place to go is Ferguson's Market.
It's right around the corner.
But when you go to check out, don't go to Agnes on counter two, because if you forget to ask her for Green Stamps she won't give them to you because she's saving them for her own book.
Go to Sybil Gooley on counter one.
She's wonderful with Green Stamps.
But you got to watch her on change.
Oh, not that she's dishonest.
It's just that she catches colds all the time and that makes her breathe through her mouth and her glasses fog up and she don't count the change right.
For fish For fish, you go to Levy's Fish Market.
And for fruits and vegetables, you go to Roselli's.
His stuff is fresher.
Only, if the tomatoes are squishy, that means Mrs.
Goldblatt's been there ahead of you.
She's a squeezer.
Well, I guess that's everything.
Any questions? No.
I got it all.
Now, what was it you wanted to buy? A housecoat and a pair of slippers.
Edith, have you started cooking dinner yet? No, I was just going-- Well, don't.
I want to have Frank come over and make you a big gourmet dinner right in front of your very eyes.
Oh, I don't want him to go to all that trouble.
It's no trouble at all.
And Frank will love it.
MICHAEL: Excuse me.
Oh.
Just wanted to get something to eat.
But, Mike, we're going to have dinner pretty soon.
That's all right.
I'll be finished by then.
Irene, wait! I'll tell you where you can get your housecoat and slippers.
At Kressler's Department Store.
That's where Gloria-- Oh, hi, there, girls.
I'm going to tell you If this ain't the hottest day in the last 25 years Where the hell are you? Edith? Edith! Hi, Archie.
I'll be right back! Wait a minute.
Where are you going, huh? Oh, look at this.
For once I come home from work and I'm ready to tell her about my day and all she does is [GRUMBLING.]
ARCHIE: Well, if this ain't a beautiful sight for a working man to come home.
Close the icebox door there, Meathead.
I want to get something.
Come on! You're letting all the cold out.
I don't know what I want yet.
Can't you close the door until you can make up your mind? How can I make up my mind until I see what's in there? You ain't got brains enough for that, I'll help you.
Here.
Here's something for you right now.
This is Crisco.
What do you care? You eat anything.
Hiya, Daddy! Oh, holy cow! Get away from me! What do you mean, coming downstairs in front of your father dressed like that? Put some clothes on you.
I got some clothes on.
Where? Where? Here, here.
Oh! Daddy, it's the same thing I wear on the beach.
It ain't the same as the beach.
The beach is different.
Why? Because the beach has got sand and umbrellas and hot dogs and Orange Crush.
Look at you.
You don't know the difference between a beach and your own living room? Now take that off.
Okay.
Not here! Go upstairs and put a dress on you.
Oh, boy, Daddy.
You know something, you're the kind of person that would put pants on Michelangelo's David.
I don't care what any other father does with his kid.
I take care of my own.
[WOLF-WHISTLES.]
Oh, thank you, Michael.
Oh, look at this.
What kind of a bum would whistle at his own wife? I can't help it, Arch.
It's the Crisco.
It turned me on.
Hubba hubba.
What's cookin', good-lookin'? Watch my smoke.
Hot stuff, huh, Arch? You are pure filth.
At least he says what he's thinking.
What's bothering you? Besides you, your mother.
What's your problem with Ma? She ain't here.
That's the problem.
She probably went next door to talk to Mrs.
Lorenzo.
What's the big deal? Oh, she's always over there and neglecting her own home here.
What's the big attraction over there at Lorenzo's? It's simple: ever since the Lorenzos moved in, Ma has someone to talk to.
She's always got somebody to talk to.
I know, but now someone's listening.
Who's she married to, anyway? Me or them? You know what, Daddy? You're jealous.
I ain't jealous.
Yeah.
You're jealous.
EDITH: Hi, everybody! I'm back! What? What do you mean, "Hello, everybody, I'm back"? Who are you trying to be today? Bette Davis or Shirley Temple? What are you picking on Ma for? A minute ago you were missing her.
You were, Archie? Keep quiet, you! Look at her.
All mouth and belly button there.
I told you something.
Now I give you an order.
Get upstairs and get some clothes on, and take the Polack Mark Spitz with you.
Watch it, all right? Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
That's just like you, Daddy.
We catch you feeling something for Ma, and then you got to turn it into a cheap Polish joke.
Oh, forget it, Gloria.
Just get out of here, all right? I just realized what's bothering me.
It's not the heat.
It's the stupidity.
Get him away from me.
If I wasn't so dog-tired, I'd give you one of these.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Well? How was your day? Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's too late for that.
Time to ask me that is when I come in the door and the whole lousy day is fresh on my mind.
Well, why don't you start with the subway and maybe it'll all come back to you.
I don't wanna talk about the subway.
I wanna talk about my wife.
Oh, then you're talking to the right person.
Why are you spending so much time with the Lorenzos? You're neglecting your own house here.
Look at the table here.
Ain't no dinner there.
The air conditioner over here is still broke.
And I come home, wore out after a hard day at work, I'm half-prostate in the heat.
Archie, why don't we have Irene Lorenzo take a look at our air conditioner? She's really very good with her hands.
Yeah, well, I wish she'd use them to choke that husband of hers that's singing night and day over there.
He's singing in the middle of the night.
He's got every alley cat in the neighborhood throwing up.
Why are you always over there, anyway? Why can't you stay here where you belong? Archie! You miss me! I miss dinner on the table.
You do miss me.
Oh, Archie! Coming from you, that's like a real love letter.
Now that you got your love letter, would you get dinner on the table? Dinner! That reminds me.
Let me tell you about a surprise that's coming.
Oh, a surprise? I got a surprise I wanna tell you about.
Oh, no, let me tell you mine first.
Oh, no, save it.
Save it, Edith.
I gotta tell you mine before it happens.
Edith, Edith, this is a surprise for Frank Lorenzo next door.
Wait till you see this.
The next time he starts singing, I got this for him now.
What is that lousy old song he's been singing all week long? Sing that for me.
You're asking me to sing? Just this once.
If I can take it, so can you.
Go ahead.
Go on, go on.
All right.
We're havin' a heat wave A tropical heat wave [BLARING.]
That's what he's gonna get the next time he starts singing in the middle of the night.
I don't have to yell across the alley or nothing.
I'll just give him that-- Oh, Archie! Huh? Where did you get that? Stretch Cunningham loaned it to me.
He takes it with him to the ball games all the time.
Ain't that a beauty? Look at that.
Huh? Ha, ha, ha! Now, what was the surprise you had for me? Well, the-- Oh! [BLARES.]
Oh, put that away.
Now, the surprise is this-- FRANK: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Sound the trumpet! Bang the drum! Here comes dinner.
Yum, yum, yum! Oh! Into the kitchen, Irene.
Surprise! This will be the height of French cuisine.
Young carrots, baby onions, fresh mushrooms, and four perfectly matched sprigs of parsley.
Uno, due, tre, quattro! Oh, my, I just love to hear you talking in French.
That's not French, it's Italian.
Oh.
That must be hard, cooking in French and counting in Italian.
But I love the challenge.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Time to take out our first course.
And my first course will be soup, the magnificent, incomparable vichyssoise.
Oh.
Ohh! It's ice-cold.
I'd better heat it up.
No, no, no! Please, it's supposed to be served cold.
You warm up vichyssoise and it weeps.
Really? Oh, I'd better tell Archie about it before he eats it.
He ain't never had cold soup before, not on purpose.
Oh.
Don't you worry.
He'll love this.
Now, how would you like to see how I make my vegetables à la Grecque? Oh, I'd love it.
Good.
Watch carefully and feel free to ask questions.
All right.
How did you and Irene meet? Well, I met Irene going through a revolving door and we have been going around together ever since.
Huh? [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
[LAUGHING.]
That was a bad one, wasn't it? Oh, no! You're always joking, ain't you? You're never serious.
That's just a hangover from when I was a salesman.
Jokes meant sales, and believe me, my jokes were no laughing matter then.
Which reminds me, did you hear the one about the dentist who married the manicurist? [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's not the joke.
Oh.
You know what they did? No.
They fought tooth and nail.
That's the joke.
Oh.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That was another bad one, wasn't it? I hope it didn't get to the food.
[BLOWING.]
Well, pardon me asking, but, uh, does your husband do a lot of the cooking over your house? He does all of it.
He loves it.
Oh, well, ain't you a little afraid of what people could think? You mean, that I'm a lazy wife? No.
That he's a fag.
Is that--? Is that what you think? Oh, no, no.
I don't think that.
I mean, because I know he's Italian.
And Italians are always bothering women.
Then there must be a little Italian in you.
Oh, no, no.
I-- Was you trying to give me a shot there? No, no.
I thought I was paying you a compliment.
Oh, because what you said there, well, I guess I kind of misconscrued it.
But if he's got time to do all that cooking and all that, he must be retired, huh? Semi-retired.
Semi-retired, what does that mean? He drives halfway to work and then comes back again? Well, let me ask you this, how is it that you retired to this neighborhood instead of to Florida like the rest of the world? Oh, we tried Florida, St.
Petersburg.
No matter where we went, we always got stuck behind a funeral procession.
So Frank said as long as we have to face death every day, we might as well come back to New York.
Jeez, look at the time, and no dinner on the table yet.
Well, do you want it quick or do you want it good? I want it today.
I'll say one thing about Edith's cooking, ready or not, it's on the table at 6:00.
You don't really like women, do you? How can you say that? I married one, didn't I? That's how I can say that.
That was a shot.
[FRANK SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Oh, gee, there he goes again with that singing.
Ain't that terrible? I think it's lovely.
I think he ought to get himself a monkey.
Dinner! Come to the table.
A meal fit for a king.
Irene, you sit there.
Frank, you sit here.
Archie, you sit there.
And I'll sit here.
You see how I worked it out, Archie? Boy, girl, boy, girl.
Now that we know what we are, Edith, can we eat? Oh, wait a minute.
This is just like a holiday meal.
Don't you think we should say a few words first? Yeah, I know just the words to say.
Bless the meat, damn the skin, open your kisser and cram it in.
Hey, I bet you never heard that kinda grace before, huh? No.
And I wish I'd never heard that one.
Come on, let's eat, everybody, huh? I can't wait to see your faces when you dig in.
Uh, see what we got here.
Archie! Don't shake my arm.
Look at this.
Three blows and all the heat's gone out of it.
It's vichyssoise, Archie.
It's supposed to be cold.
The soup is supposed to be cold? Yeah.
If you warm it up, it cries.
Well, uh, I'll tell you what-- See? I cook my heart out with that soup and he's not eating it.
It's a flop! No! No, no, Frank.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't get excited.
Look, if it'll make you feel better, I'll keep it over here by me.
Come on, Frank.
No.
Come on, give us a smile.
No.
Come on, Irene.
Come on, come on.
Come on, Irene.
Stop.
There it comes, sweetheart.
Irene.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
There it is.
Look at that beautiful big smile.
From ear to Shining ear See what she does to me? She's a witch, a witch! For a minute there I thought she was gonna burp you.
Archie, where are you going? You haven't tasted anything.
What are you talking about? The cold soup was a taste thrill.
I'll see you in a few moments.
Oh, but, Archie I told you, he hates it, he hates it.
Oh, no, no! Edith, I don't think Archie's very happy about our being here.
No.
He loves you being here.
And he's gonna love all the food, I know.
When you live with a man long enough, you know what he's thinking, and believe me, I've lived with Archie long enough.
You see? You see? That's what happens when you cook a gourmet dinner for a man who's not even ready for McDonald's.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Now, snap out of it.
Hey, I think something else is disturbing you besides the dinner.
All right, I'll tell you what's bothering me.
Do you realize how much time you've been spending with Edith? Do you realize that this is the first chance I've had to talk to you alone all day? Frank, you missed me.
I miss you? I miss you? The bathroom faucets are leaking, my electric razor started to whistle again, the floorboards are all loose.
Sure I miss you.
That's the most romantic thing you've said to me since I plugged up the leak in your dishwasher.
Leave me alone! If I gotta eat a cold dinner, I'm gonna eat something American: spaghetti.
You're gonna hurt his feelings.
He worked so hard.
To hell with him.
Oh, put that down! Give me that back here.
Archie Bunker, you listen to me.
Ever since you've come home here tonight, you've been acting like a little boy.
Because I'm hungry! And I'm talking! Every time I start to make new friends, something always happens between you and them.
But I ain't gonna let it happen with Frank and Irene, because I like them and they like me.
They're my friends and I wanna keep them.
[WHINING.]
What do you want me to do? I want you to go back in there and be nice to them.
Oh, go ahead and I'll follow you.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
Oh, go on, go on.
Go on.
Archie! Get in there! Everybody, we found out what was making Archie act queer.
Different, not queer! It's the heat.
He hasn't been himself for days.
And until the air conditioner gets-- Would you like me to take a look at it? Keep away from it.
Oh, Archie, I think our friend should look at it.
Yeah, well, all right.
It's just that, you know, I always figured the first law of nature is that women and machinery don't mix, you know? I mean, why do you think God gave men short hair? So it wouldn't get caught in the machinery.
You read my mind.
That's not the hardest thing in the world to do.
That's another shot.
Why don't we all sit down and eat.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful! [SINGING IN ITALIAN.]
Can I ask you something, Frank? You gotta sing all the time? Frank, why do you have to sing all--? He sings when he's happy.
I sing when I'm happy Archie, I sing Okay, be happy, Frank! Be happy and sing! If you wanna be happy, be happy! I'll make everybody happy.
[BLOWING HORN.]
There.
The Lorenzos are gone, the dishes are all done and now you've got me all to yourself.
Yeah, that's right, Edith.
And that's the way it should be too.
Think I'll go to bed.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.