Ally Mcbeal s04e02 Episode Script

The problem is, you're trying to meet men at work.
It can't happen.
- Why is that? - At work, you're all strong, smart independent.
Guys ultimately don't want equals.
If you want to meet a man you gotta go to bars, where they feel dominant.
- Look at the idiots you meet.
They're all idiots at night.
They're controlled by What is it? Dumb stick.
I'm watching.
We're discussing Ally's relationships.
I thought you'd be interested.
Ally only loves men who make her miserable.
Bryan was too nice.
He's got a knife! That is so unfair.
With Bryan, it was a lack of passion.
We loved each other but it was almost too comfortable.
Maybe there was something missing or that thing that happens when people look into each other's eyes? That thing.
We can watch it in slow motion.
I don't want to see that in slow motion.
We might as well talk about Ally.
Thanks, Ling, but I'm doing good.
You're crushed.
We organized this slumber party to cheer you up.
- Psycho! - Ling? You think I'm a desperate person, don't you? You're all desperate.
Gorgeous women, parties everywhere, you're dateless.
That's pathetic.
You're lonely and desperate.
Why can't you admit it? You're here.
What are you? I have my Richard.
I've been down this road Girls' Night Out Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Okay, first up, before we start, Ally I'm speaking for the firm our condolences over things with Bryan.
We're all here for you.
Thank you, Richard.
I'm - I'm fine.
- Excellent.
Moving on, John, Nelle, going up against Renee and Georgia.
Exciting.
Will the client be coming here first? No.
We're meeting her at the courthouse.
I'm not comfortable with you being attracted to her.
- John is.
- I am not.
I'm her attorney.
Our relationship is purely professional.
My mistake.
I have another announcement.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, no.
I'm calling the first meeting of the Cage and Fish Women's Bar Association in my office at 11:00.
What's this about? E.
R.
A.
? Title Nine? Douche? Ally? Bryan's in your office.
Uh-oh.
- Bryan.
- I'm sorry to intrude.
I Sorry for losing my temper and for the things I said.
You were hurt.
I was also confused, which I remain.
Is there somebody else? - No.
- Then I don't get it.
It just isn't you, Bryan.
And for a while, I thought that it was, but Aren't you afraid of ending up alone? I'm more afraid of ending up with the wrong person.
Whatever your mother said, when it's right, you don't always know.
But when it isn't you do.
I don't mean any disrespect, but I really do want a woman lawyer.
Only a woman.
Ling will handle the case, but as senior partner, I really should It's just that this is really sensitive.
Well, let me assure you, Cindy, confidentiality is everything here.
Nothing leaves this room.
Well, the company I worked for required employees to take a physical exam for insurance.
It's an invasion of privacy, so I refused.
I wasn't going to take the insurance, but it made them suspicious.
They insisted I take the exam.
When I wouldn't, they fired me.
If you don't mind my asking what's the big problem with taking a physical? Do you have some disease? No.
I do not have a disease.
Yeah, well.
This is the sensitive part.
Cindy, if we're to help you, we need to know the truth.
Plus, everything you say to us we keep confidential.
We understand the delicacy of a person's privacy.
Well, see I'm really a man.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
How could you be a man? You look so beautiful.
And feminine.
I've been on estrogen a long time.
This is my real hair.
- My breasts are real too.
- They are? - Yes.
- Can I touch them? - They're evidence.
- I can spot a he-she a mile away.
- There is no way.
- The shots and the pills have softened my voice.
I don't grow facial hair, my skin is soft.
I'm a woman in almost every way, except the one that would be discovered if I had to take that physical.
Oh, so you have a Wow.
She's got a Is this the sensitivity you spoke of? Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's just not every day you meet such a beautiful woman.
- With her very own dumb stick.
- Forget it.
- No, no, no.
Cindy.
No, no, no.
You've told us.
The worst part is over.
- You might as well let us help you.
- Can you? How long have you worked for Myra Robbins? Almost three years before well, that night.
Why don't you tell us about that night? We were trying to finish plans which we were on a clock to complete.
I'm sure it was after midnight.
We were sitting side by side and her arm brushed mine.
It could have been inadvertent, but with Myra, nothing was ever really inadvertent.
Describe what you mean by that.
Myra Robbins is a gifted architect.
- And an unabashed sexual predator.
- Objection.
It's a lay opinion, judge.
Counsel should refrain from commentary.
The objection is overruled.
Move it along.
What happened next? Her arm brushed mine and when she brushes an arm, it's with sexual intent.
- Objection.
- Just tell us what happened next, sir.
Well, I looked at her.
There was I was feeling a little chemistry.
She then brought her hand to my my, uh groin area.
She began to fondle me a little, and I, well I apologize.
- What happened then, Chris? - We made love.
There in the office? Right there.
Then about a month later, she again wanted to have relations.
I felt this pressure.
It became impossible to work.
So you left.
- Yes.
- The sex you had was consensual.
- I don't deny that.
In fact, once she touched you where she touched you, you then became the aggressor, didn't you? Well, I feel it was pretty mutual.
Did any of your clothes get torn? - Objection.
- Sustained.
She didn't threaten to fire you, did she? No.
But I just felt pressure.
- To have sex with her? - That's right.
How awful.
Objection.
Suppose I were interested? Would you sue me? Objection! - We'll get an injunction.
- In open court? No one will hear about your penis.
We'll argue your right to privacy, claiming mandatory physicals are an invasion of that right.
- Are you sure? I'm sure we can fight the battle without mentioning your - Dickey.
Ling? Excuse me.
The meeting is starting.
I'll see you in court.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'm very nervous about this.
Trust us.
This kind of subject matter, it's why I got into law.
I was thinking about our little discussion last night and I began to agree with Ling.
We're pathetic.
Why are we pathetic? We agree that a personal life is more important than a professional life.
And yet we devote every waking moment to work either here or home.
How can we have the same success personally as professionally when we don't put in a fraction of the time or effort? I don't prioritize a personal life.
I don't even want one.
Don't sour on men because of one bad relationship with a funny little man.
It's not that.
I mean what's the goal? To get married? Yuck.
Half end in divorce, half end up with kids.
Do we want that? To have our breasts swell up with milk so a sniveling baby can suck them dry so they'll sag like two big, wet mounds of tissue with no hint of their original character? This meeting isn't about motherhood, Nelle.
It's about recognizing life is more rich with a partner.
I don't agree it needs to be a man.
Women make better partners for everything except sex.
And as for sex, yuck.
- What's your point, Ally? - My point is if we're serious about taking control of our lives we have to become proactive in finding a life partner.
A plan.
Do you have one, or not? Not exactly yet.
We want to meet good, eligible men.
I thought I would go talk to a good, eligible man and try to ascertain how he would go about meeting smart, eligible women.
You know an eligible man? If so, why aren't you throwing yourself at him? Although he's not my type Mark Albert is eligible and seemingly normal.
Let me pick his brain.
Oh, please.
I'll talk to Mark, we'll reconvene.
We are resolved to becoming proactive.
Meeting adjourned.
- Hi.
- Richard! I fell.
I couldn't right myself.
Ling? Snapple? I'm not comfortable with you being part of a manhunt.
Don't worry, Richard.
I won't be looking for anyone like you.
I'm surprised.
I thought you didn't need a man.
- I don't.
- Well, then, what's this about? I want one.
I like that.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I'm Mark Albert.
I'm one of the lawyers here.
- Cindy McCauliff.
- I know.
Richard told me about your thing.
Oh, Mark.
Hi.
Hello.
When you get a second could I talk to you later? Sure.
- Richard told you about my what? - Your case.
I admire your testosterone, taking a stand like this.
- What's wrong? - What else did Richard tell you? That, and you're against mandatory physicals.
Right, so now you're suddenly in here saluting me.
Somehow I doubt that.
You busted me.
I don't care anything about your case.
I'm really just curious.
- Let me tell you something - Are you seeing anyone? - I beg your pardon? - I know I shouldn't be hitting on you.
You're a client of the firm, but you're so cute.
What can I say? I'm a man.
Cindy, come on.
We gotta run.
- Can I call you? - I don't think that's a good idea.
Where does that fall between yes and no? I have a court appointment.
I forgot my bag.
- How'd I just do? - Lf a girl doesn't say no, it's yes.
Pursue.
He's extremely attractive.
We were working long hours in very close proximity.
I also sensed he was attracted to me.
- How did you sense that? - He's male.
Yes.
Ms.
Robbins, so, what happened? You were attracted to him, sensed he was male and you just decided to have sex with me? Him? With that man? Him? Okay, let me rephrase.
We were two consenting adults acting out a very horny moment.
Did you ever put pressure on him to have relations with you again? I let him know the opportunity was there but I never put pressure on him.
Then he quit.
Do you think he did so to make a financial killing by exploiting these absurd sexual harassment laws? - Objection.
Withdrawn.
Ms.
Robbins, you heard the plaintiff talk about this terrible pressure? And that's ridiculous.
My firm is not a sexually charged arena in any way.
It's about the work.
I let him know I was interested.
He said he wasn't.
Work went on, and then he quit.
Have you had relations with other assistants who worked for you? - Two.
You had affairs with three assistants? That's a pretty high rate.
Not really, considering since I was 16 every man I've met wanted to sleep with me.
- You're proud of that? - I'm proud I've never used it as currency.
But when I meet a man I want, I have no problem asking just like I've been asked thousands of times and just like I've been free to say no, so are they.
That was an excellent response.
I'd like my client to repeat it, in case any of the jurors missed it.
All right.
Withdrawn.
So, Ms.
Robbins, as president of your firm, you see no problem with making sexual advances to assistants, secretaries, employees? I see a problem with coercion, yes.
With making an advance, no.
You were brilliant.
I think the jury was completely with you.
She testified she has no problem making sexual advances to employees.
- That's what this - That doesn't mean they're harassed.
I know you're drawn to her.
- But you've got to be a good lawyer.
- I am being a good lawyer.
Her testimony made their case.
It was negligent of you not to prepare her better.
This case is going the way I want it to.
Don't talk to me like that in front of the bosom.
The cl cl c Coney Island.
The client.
John, they're trying to make her out as a sexual predator.
She just declared herself to be one.
Now, good lawyering, at this point, would be trying to settle.
If you'll excuse me, Myra.
- Nelle thinks we should settle.
- Is she right? - Strictly under the law, our case - I mean, about you being drawn to me.
Are you? There's nothing wrong in admitting it, John.
Perhaps nothing futile in it either.
When I brushed your arm in the courtroom were you wondering whether it was inadvertent? I think we should concentrate I think we should concentrate on the case.
Okay.
The Bill of Rights guarantees the right to privacy.
She has a Second Amendment right to defend herself against unreasonable searches in violation of the Fourth Amendment.
I'll exercise my First Amendment to say so.
First, Second and Fourth.
It's all there, judge.
What the hell are you talking about? I think I can interpret.
Why? You represent the other side.
I've been up against Mr.
Fish before.
The more you understand what he's saying, the better my chances.
Objection.
Move for cause.
An employer can't force a person to take a physical if she waives insurance.
An insurance physical is say "ah" and cough.
- Lf she doesn't want the insurance - She has something to hide.
- Even if that were the case it's her thing to hide.
I'm not saying she has a thing to hide.
I'm saying, even if she did Fourth Amendment, judge.
Cause.
Look, if she wants to waive insurance, you can't force her.
- I'm granting the injunction.
- I'm sure Mr.
Fish has more to say.
Thank you.
The problem, Your Honor, as technology continues to improve Mr.
Fish, you've won.
Oh.
Excellent.
Thanks.
- Eligible men? - Yeah, where do they go to meet women? Well, the Neanderthals just want to meet models.
The educated professionals just want to meet models.
All men want to meet models? They're tall, sophisticated, beautiful.
They don't speak.
Are you playing with me again? No.
A friend of mine owns a bar.
Twice a year, he has Models' Night.
The place is packed with men, but the models never show.
Models don't want to compete, so it's a total bust.
Thank you.
That was a lovely story.
None of it was helpful.
- What? - What a perfect idea.
- I won.
Easy, a snap.
- Congratulations.
- I used that amendment thingy? - The Constitution.
We're going to the bar to celebrate.
Want to join us? - Sure.
- Actually, it's been a long day.
Nonsense.
I'll check my messages, then we'll go.
Don't let her get away, Mark.
Oh, gonna put it in the want ads - I need a love that's true - Gonna put it in the want ads My man and I are through - Models' Night? - I arranged it with the bar owner.
How did you do that? Our firm does so much business here.
He thinks it's a great idea.
The models attract the men, but there won't be models? They never show.
According to Mark, no women do.
It's only guys and us.
Don't you feel ridiculous doing this? I'm for it.
What a shock.
You probably bought new kneepads.
Georgia, you haven't weighed in yet.
Are you looking? I looked while I was still married.
That's how I met your father.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you for reminding me.
You just don't give up.
What? If you said no, but so far, all I'm getting is reservation.
What's the most important thing in a relationship? You have to dance with me once before you get to ask a question like that.
All right.
Let's dance.
- What's going on here? - I don't know.
You don't suppose he likes it, do you? Her, Richard.
Her.
You know what I meant.
Sexual harassment laws were designed to protect women.
Myra? Hello.
Hi.
Just working on my closing.
I do it barebreasted.
Footed.
John, I came to apologize for being so forward.
No.
Were you forward? Very.
You probably think I'm some sort of nymph.
No, I don't.
Actually, I have become rather forward over the years.
Men that approach me are either wolves or hockey players and well, the shy ones that I'm attracted to they're intimidated.
I never get asked out by the nice guys.
Well, that's too bad.
I wish I knew some.
I'd introduce you.
I know this is a professional relationship and you want to keep it that way.
So I'm sorry for before.
No, I It's I Okay, but - Did you say something? - Nope.
Good night.
Good night.
- Are you making tea? - No, I'm Would you like some tea? I can see that you're still a little nervous.
Why don't we? Why don't we just finish the case and maybe get tea after? Okay.
That'd be great.
Great.
Good night.
I'd really like to get some of that tea now.
- Can I walk you home? - Don't push it.
I'm not asking to come in.
Just to walk you home.
I'm penile psychic.
Something's up, and I'm not talking about hers.
I should tell him.
There's one thing I know about men.
They hate that kind of surprise.
We promised her confidentiality.
- Your point? - Richard.
There's no value to a secret if you can't repeat it.
Fishism.
The woman has a penis.
You will not say a word.
Look at them, Ling.
You slept with her? - Why didn't you call me? - I need you to take this seriously.
I committed an infraction.
- She's a client, it was wrong.
- Think she'll sleep with you again? It's why we started our own firm, to reap the fruits of our own clients.
- Do you like her? - I think I do.
Everything's worth it if the heart says so.
Woody Allenism.
What's going on? - Uh - Well Nothing.
- How was your night? - What do you mean? Well, you and Cindy seemed a little tight on the dance floor.
She's great.
I - She's great.
- You know me when it comes to honesty.
Usually, I'm not for it.
But well, how do I say this? - Why don't you just say it? - Okay.
I think it's wrong for you to date her.
She's a client.
- The case is over.
- The other side will appeal.
It seems every time I turn around you have your finger in an associate's kneepit.
A little kneepit's gonna look good once you see - See what? - Mark, it's Cindy.
She's really a virgin.
- Can I ask you something? If we were talking in the unisex, what would happen? I'd turn around, and Cindy would be there.
Flush, flush.
Cindy.
Hey.
Hi.
- How dare you.
- I didn't tell him.
You were about to! - I was just - You had no right.
- Mark is my friend.
- I've had boyfriends before.
Things have been fine.
They have? Wait, how? I tell them I'm Catholic.
Catholic girls have penises? Because I thought I say I'm against premarital sex.
What other kind of sex is there? - Never mind.
- No, Cindy? I gave you my word I wouldn't tell, and I'll honor that.
But it's difficult for me to watch Mark get hurt.
- Why would he get hurt? - Oh, no, I'm sure he'll brag to his buddies, "We play Jack in the Box.
" I did not take that physical because of that kind of bigotry.
You want to call me a bigot, fine.
- But you're misleading Mark.
- I will tell him when the time comes.
I hope the time comes before your secret does.
Guys don't like sleeping on someone else's wet spot.
I like that.
I will tell him when I am ready.
You stay the hell out of it.
I like that.
If this were a man pressuring a female employee to have sex you would deliberate for 30 seconds.
Of course, it's sexual harassment.
It's textbook.
So why is this different? Just because the offender is a woman? She is asking you to apply a double standard.
She wants all the opportunities of a man but doesn't want to play by the same rules.
Where does it say that since you're a woman, you get to break the law? Why should it be different? Because it is different! Women have been sexually victimized for hundreds of years.
Men haven't.
Men are physically dominant.
Women aren't.
Women battle daily the bigotry of being reduced to sexual objects.
Men don't.
It's different.
And here's the other reality.
We may all want to be too politically correct to admit it but when a woman like that sexually propositions a man like me, him do we really think of him as harassed? Were you all going, "Poor guy"? Or were you trying to make eye contact with her, hoping you'd get a chance? It's different.
Sexual harassment law was designed to protect women.
It's a fact.
And now it's being exploited by this man who wants to get a judgment because she slept with him? Talk about getting to have your pie and eat it too.
The reason he's rolling the dice with this lawsuit is because he figures you'll condemn her.
Not because he was really harassed.
Please.
He knows you know he wasn't.
But because he also knows sexually forward women are scorned by this society.
The man is Don Juan.
The woman's a slut.
The guy's prolific.
The girl's a tramp.
We do not approve of women who want sex.
If Hillary Clinton had a session with an intern, she wouldn't be running.
The Democrats would have put in Warren Beatty.
This country puts the scarlet letter on women who lead with their libidos.
We discriminate against them.
And that is just what he's betting on.
He's in here arguing there shouldn't be double standards? Ha! Let me repeat the "ha!" A double standard is exactly what he's hoping you'll apply here.
Yeah.
There sits a victim.
Say it with me.
Please.
According to our sources The street's the place to go 'Cause tonight, for the first time Just about half past 10 For the first time in history It's gonna start raining men It's raining men Hallelujah, it's raining men Ling, honey? I don't know these people.
Just go with it.
Variety is the spice of life.
Looks like Mark's in for a little variety later.
And she did what she had to do Excuse me, folks.
Can I have your attention? Can I have your attention? Hey, come on.
Thank you.
What's the deal? One of my colleagues told me that a few women were setting up the pretext of a Models' Night to meet men.
A bit on the cheeky side, I thought, but seems you're having a grand time.
We should thank Ally McBeal the organizer of the event.
Let's hear it for Ally.
Truth be told, Ally and I just split up a couple of days ago.
Breaking up can be very painful, but I'm happy to see you're coping.
Carry on.
John, hi.
Myra.
I thought we were meeting at the courthouse.
I was on this side, so I thought we'd walk together.
Great.
What's your feeling? Oh, no, I feel great.
Yeah.
No regrets.
I meant about the verdict.
Oh.
Okay, I'm sorry.
On a strict application of the legals, we're vulnerable but the jury seemed with us.
If we win, I know a quiet little restaurant we can go to celebrate.
Oh, actually, I have a date tonight.
Oh, you have a date.
We could do it another time.
I'd love it.
Sure.
Okay.
Oh, John, did you? No, I You know, we made love the other night and I was just You know, was it just S-E-X? - Yes.
- Okay.
I'm sorry, I I really like you, and I'm very attracted to you, but I I don't see the two of us as a couple.
Do you? A couple? No, no.
What, are you kidding? I'm just No, I just It was a dinner to celebrate.
I thought - A woman would be lucky to have you.
- Well, I'm not even looking for that.
I was just I just still have some oats to sow John? Oh, Myra.
Hi.
Hi, Nelle.
Clerk called.
Jury has a verdict.
Let's go then.
Excellent.
Okay.
I thought public speaking made you nervous? I thought you weren't a fan of orgies.
The girls and I had a pajama party the other night ostensibly to cheer me up after my breakup with you.
And we started to talk about how hard it is to meet men.
And I got swept up in this proactive "take charge of your life" thing and that's when I organized this little evening out.
I'm not sure that it warranted your little performance but it was disrespectful to you and your feelings and I apologize.
Well, we're not together anymore.
You don't owe me any explanations.
True.
But I'm not here trying to wiggle off the meat hook.
I'm here to say that I never meant to trivialize my relationship with you.
Or my love for you.
I think that I was so intent to look forward I didn't realize it was because I was afraid, in part, to look back.
What you saw on the dance floor wasn't what I was feeling inside.
You should know that.
Got it.
Um Bye.
Bye.
Has the jury reached its verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
- What say you? In the matter of Melnick vs.
Robbins, on the count of sexual harassment we find in favor of the defendant.
- Thank God.
Jury, this completes your service.
You're dismissed.
We're adjourned.
- Thank you both so much.
- I must admit, I'm surprised.
So we will get that celebration dinner some night? Absolutely.
John, you were fabulous.
Oh, I guess the jury used some common sense.
I meant the other night.
Oh.
Do you think that maybe we could relive our evening together sometime? I'm not that kind of guy.
Somehow I guessed that.
Thank you.
If you go, then I'll be blue 'Cause breaking up is hard to do - Can I ask you something? - Anything.
What made you attracted to me? Well I have a thing for beautiful, complicated women.
- What makes you think I'm complicated? - A hunch.
Mark, there's something you should know.
I have a past.
- We all do.
- Yes, but mine's rather distinguished.
- What, you got a criminal record? - No.
But I used to be kind of a different person.
Look can we just go out a few times before we start revealing who we used to be? Yes.
The truth is, I like a girl with a secret or two.
You're gonna love me.
That is so gross.
If I used to be a man, would that change how you feel about me? Oh, of course not, cupcake.
I'd vomit.
John? Ally, hi.
- What you doing? - Oh, just, you know collecting errant thoughts, coming down after the trial.
Oh, yeah.
Congratulations.
I heard you won.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was pretty routine.
How about you? You doing okay? Yeah.
I miss you.
Our talks.
I miss you too.
Well, maybe one night this week we can go out and catch up.
That'd be great.
Yeah, that's That's great.
John? Remember when we danced up here in the office? Yes.
Would you dance with me again? I'm not sure why, but I just feel like I could use it.
Well, actually, I could use it too.
I have a friend who refuses to get a pet because he says in the end they die, and it's just too hard.
Maybe it's the same for relationships.
I don't know.
You stinker!