American Housewife (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

1 Whoa.
A banana hanger.
Did we win the lottery? Now that we've been a two-income family for a while, we can finally replace the stuff that's falling apart and enjoy a few luxuries.
Oh, yeah.
Those 'nanas gonna be heck-a-ripe.
- Mm-hmm.
- It is nice not worrying about every dollar we spend, for once.
Whoa.
- New can opener.
- That's right! Goodbye, old can opener that only opens cans halfway so you have to pry the lid open with a knife.
Goodbye, knife we ruined opening cans.
And look, we finally have art that wasn't made by the kids.
Say hello to the painting that says "family" in five languages.
I love it.
Let's hang it.
You'll have to do it without me.
I have to go into work to talk to Whitney.
It's Sunday.
And why do you have to go in the office to meet with her? Isn't she always on speakerphone? Yeah.
It's dumb.
This whole job is dumb.
You used to like party planning.
For a second.
It was a fun way to make money, and I liked people that I hate telling me what a good job I did.
But now it's crushing my soul.
Guess that's the price you pay if you want to hang your bananas.
Gross.
Leave that talk in the bedroom.
Thanks for working so hard.
It means a lot to your family.
And your familia, famille, famiglia, and your mischpokhe.
What is that? Nothing.
Are you wearing a bracelet? You're gonna be late for work.
Are you auditioning to be the cute one in a boy band? I don't want to talk about it! KATIE: Katie, just let the guy wear a bracelet.
You're not going to, are you? [Chuckles.]
No.
Hey, Oliver, you want to play the Game of Life? No.
You guys play.
I already lost the real version.
What's wrong? My dream of getting into Harvard is officially dead.
I can't dance, so I plan on padding my résumé with some BS volunteer work.
That sounds like a good idea.
But look at me.
I can't plant trees, deliver meals, build habitats.
All I can do is sit.
My life is over.
You have lots going for you.
You're ambitious, your grades are great.
Plus, you're a sophomore.
You have time to build up your résumé.
You want to feel better, look at Taylor.
Yeah, yeah! She's the one that should be depressed.
She's graduating this year, and the girl's got nothing going on.
And even if she does somehow go to college, Mom and Dad gave her a long list of life skills, and she can't even fill the car with gas.
That's not true.
I filled it.
I hate that list! I'm never gonna survive outside this house if I can't do anything! This is what happens when everyone gets participation trophies.
- Katie.
- Hi, Kevin.
What kind of stupid ice sculpture do I have to order for this dumb party? Whitney cannot see you like this.
You are too underdressed for the office.
I know she has the place wired with cameras, but I've got it covered.
When she calls in, I'll be sitting at my desk, wearing this blazer.
But Whitney will know because WHITNEY: Hello, Katie.
Hi, Whitney! Why are you talking into a speakerphone? You know, I'm not sure how much time you allocate for getting ready in the morning, but you might want to double it.
In my defense, I have worked here for more than a year, and this is the first time that I have laid eyes on you.
I suppose that would explain Kevin's lack of professional attire, as well.
You bought this for me.
As a razz, Kevin.
Now, I'm in town for only one week, and I'm trusting you to throw a very special party for my most important client.
Martha Stewart? Better.
My favorite nephew, Joshua.
Okay.
Well, what kind of ice sculpture would he like? No, no.
Eh, the party's not for Joshua.
He wants to throw a party for Lizzie.
And Lizzie is? His iguana.
I'm throwing a party for a reptile? Of course! I once threw a party for Bitsy Wellington's favorite purse.
Steely Dan played.
It was magical.
Oh, Katie.
[Sighs.]
I have so much to teach you.
Is this going to end soon? This is more eye contact than I keep with my husband.
I'm counting on you, Katie.
Come on, you.
As long as you're wearing your ditch-digging clothes, come to my house.
I have to move my animal cemetery.
I'm putting in a pool.
Am I actually throwing a party for a Westport lizard? Uh-huh.
WHITNEY: Kevin! Now! - Thank you, Kevin.
- For what? For showing me that as bad as my life is, yours is worse.
And the craziest part is, it's not even the iguana's birthday.
It's a party, "just because"! [Scoffs.]
You should quit.
I thought about it.
A lot.
I have a whole quitting fantasy worked out in my head.
All I need is a boom box - A baseball bat - And an industrial fan.
Yeah, we've heard this before.
Why don't you just do it? Well, Greg's happy because now, with my salary, we're finally able to put some money aside.
Money aside? Is that something the poors do? Like family game nights and voting? And Greg is going through something right now.
What do you mean? He's started wearing a leather bracelet.
- How fun.
- Oh! - That is fun.
- Cool.
I see you nudging each other under the table.
Uh No wife should have to go through this.
This is very upsetting, but maybe he's just trying something new.
Yeah, like when you started saying "Peace out.
" You tried it, we ignored it, and then it went away.
And you should do the same thing with Greg.
She's right.
You only need to worry if it starts to escalate, then you shut it down.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Ugh.
Gotta go.
Lizzie's tail fell off, so we're meeting about ways to hide it for pictures.
Catch you on the flip-side.
- Stop it.
- No.
[Scoffs.]
What are we gonna do today? We're gonna help cheer up Taylor and Oliver.
They're two white kids in America.
What do they have to be sad about? Stand down, Franklin.
This isn't your podcast.
[Sighs.]
We need to help them.
What do you think would cheer them up? - What about we - Can't be the movie "Soapdish.
" Sally Field is an American treasure.
There are other ways, Franklin! [Knock on door.]
Hey, Taylor.
Franklin does great impressions.
You want to see one? [Exhales sharply.]
[Raspy voice.]
Did you eat? Did you eat? Did you eat? Did you eat? [Laughs.]
Who is that supposed to be? - [Normal voice.]
My Aunt Linda.
- That is spot-on.
It's like she's in the room.
Do your Uncle Al next.
Linda! The help is stealing from us! [Shamisen music plays.]
[As Inigo Montoya.]
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
[As Vizzini.]
Inconceivable.
You keep using that word.
I do not think it means what you think it means.
[Laughs.]
Bleh! Bleh! [Clicks tongue.]
[Blows raspberry.]
- Bleh! Bleh! - [Chuckles.]
[Normal voice.]
Nothing worked.
What do we do now? [Normal voice.]
When my mom had a bad case of the sadsies, the only thing that helped her was talking to the counselor at her church.
Of course.
Good idea, Franklin.
Time to get God involved.
Religion can be very helpful when used as a tool, but when it's a crutch Not your podcast, Franklin.
KATIE: This is the most ridiculous party I've ever had to throw.
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
You are the strongest person I know, and not just because you always open jars for me.
Emotionally.
You put up with a lot, but remember, you're really good at what you do, and everyone in town knows it.
Thank you.
I appreciate tha Are you wearing bacon socks? No.
Okay.
I let the bracelet go.
I didn't say a word to your face.
But now it's escalating, and I know you don't want to talk about it, but you and I both know that there is bacon on your socks.
What the hell is going on? I don't know.
It kind of started after Professor Casey passed away.
He got tenure the same week that I was hired.
For the last 10 years, I've watched him do the exact same thing until he died at his desk, and now I have tenure.
And I don't know, it got me thinking maybe I need to mix things up.
Figure out who I really am.
Am I bracelet guy? Funny-sock guy? Carry-around-a-coin-that-I-flip guy? Honey.
I support any guy you want to be.
Thanks, sweetie.
But if you start wearing those glasses that are transitional from light to dark, it's gonna be a problem.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[Snake hisses.]
Great party, Katie.
I sampled the stir fry.
It's delicious.
Yeah.
Those are crickets.
That explains why the server was laughing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Katie, right? - Mm-hmm.
- My Joshua just told me this is the best party Lizzie has ever had.
Thank you.
I am so glad.
Whitney said she worked hard on every little detail.
You are so lucky to have a boss like her who does all the heavy lifting.
"Heavy lifting"? But she's not even here.
That's because she's such a star.
She knew she would distract from Lizzie on her big day.
- MAN: Hey, Gayle.
- Oh, my God.
Hi.
I guess a snake would distract from a lizard.
Can you believe her? Whitney has me plan this absurd party which I nailed, by the way and then steals my thank-you.
I can't wait 'til she goes back to New York.
She's not going back.
- She's staying in Westport.
- What? Yeah, I heard her on the phone while I was giving her a spray tan.
[Sighs.]
I can't do this anymore.
The money's great, but you can't put a price on my dignity.
Mm.
The satay is delicious.
Not for humans, right? Right.
Whitney, I worked my ass off putting that party together.
It's bad enough that I'm Not getting the recognition you deserve.
That's why I'm giving you a promotion, which comes with a very nice raise.
[Clicks tongue.]
If you think a raise and a promotion are enough to keep me around you're right.
Turns out my dignity does have a price.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone coming to give me a foot massage.
Oh, the masseuse cancelled.
I thought I told you.
You did.
Now go get the lotion, Kevin.
So, Whitney just took all the credit for the party? Yes.
I should have grabbed a boom box, a baseball bat, and an industrial fan and quit.
Now I'm just like you.
How so? You accepted tenure, now you're stuck at your job.
I took the promotion, and now I'm stuck at mine.
So what if I hate my job? Everyone does.
[Sighs.]
I got to get to bed.
I have to oversee all the events this week, starting with tomorrow's "Barbecue and Botox" party.
Ooh.
[Hat thuds.]
I can't.
[Glass thuds.]
You must be Taylor and Oliver.
Franklin tells me you've been going through something.
Yeah, it's it's easy to feel lost in this big world, but it's important to remember you're not alone.
Who are you? This is Eve.
She's an elder at the church my mom goes to.
She helped my mom a lot.
She blinks now.
I think we're good.
I remember being a pretty young girl, my whole life ahead of me.
But I always felt unprepared and ill-equipped for life on my own.
- You did? - Oh, yes.
I was overwhelmed and lost.
Me, too.
So, what changed? I joined the church, met Bob.
Who's Bob? Bob owns the compound we all live on.
He's our leader and our husband.
- Our husband? - Yes.
Bob must take many wives so he has enough people to take care of him at the end of days.
Then he'll reunite us with the great leader and deliver us to our home planet.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Your mom doesn't go to a church.
She's in a cult.
Ohhh.
That's why Grandpa keeps trying to kidnap us.
Anna-Kat will walk you out.
- Bob be with you.
- And also with you.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
That was so inspiring.
I feel like you're getting the wrong message.
- [Door opens.]
- No.
You know how my life is screwed up compared to yours? - [Door closes.]
- Well, compared to a grown woman with pigtails who's in a cult, I'm killing it.
Ha.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Thank you so much.
The genius - is in the minutiae - [Chuckles.]
or whatever that phrase is.
[Both chuckle.]
[Gasps.]
Katie, everything is fantastic.
Well, I'd take a bow, but you've already done that.
Yes.
[Chuckles.]
There's just one thing that's bothering me.
Ugh.
The bluegrass band? I know.
It's a lot of harmonica.
No, no.
They're great.
Everything's great.
It's It's just this.
- Me? - Eh Katie, as VP of Events, you are front and center of this company.
You need to look the part.
I If there's just something we could do about the frowny parts of your face.
Kevin! Get in here.
I need another pair of hands.
I'm sorry.
I can't lose this job.
I owe $67,000 in student loans.
Philosophy major.
You can't Botox away being an idiot, Kevin.
Oh, God.
Oliver, I'm sorry I haven't been able to help you.
I appreciate it, but there's nothing anyone can do.
Well, I talked to Dr.
Ellie who I now call Eleanor since I'm not in her class anymore.
She doesn't care for it and she gave me some resources that might help.
"Are You Being Bullied?" Nope.
"How to Come Out to Your Family"? Mm? No.
"My Changing Body"? [Scoffs.]
Too late.
"Teen Help Line"? Really? Dr.
Ellie says it's a hotline where teens can talk to other teens about their problems.
Not interested.
Well, I certainly won't be the last girl who thinks she can fix you.
I don't know the others, but I pity them already.
Ah, Katie.
Tomorrow's party is a boat christening, and I need some noisy sea lions removed from the marina humanely.
I'm kidding.
Do it any way you can.
I'm on it, Whitney.
What are you smiling about? This is why you need Botox.
See? Your face should not have this much expression.
[Sighs.]
What are you doing here? I wanted to thank you.
What you said last night helped me realize - something very important.
- What did I say? You said that hating your job was no big deal because everyone hates their job, but you know what? I don't.
I actually love teaching.
I am so happy for you.
Does this mean you'll stop wearing the Not now.
You supported me when I said I wanted to mix things up, so guess what I did? I taught my class outside today, and my students loved it.
That sounds so fun.
I finally realized the guy I am.
I'm the guy who loves his job and loves his family and wants his wife to be as happy as he is.
What about the extra money? We'll make it work.
Katie.
I need you at the marina right now.
Sorry, Whitney.
Move your own damn sea lions! [Scoffs.]
Hit it, Greg! Ow [Roni Lee's "Cherry Bomb" plays.]
Yeah I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Hello, world, I'm your wild girl I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Cherry bomb Cherry bomb Cherry bomb I quit! It's just how I imagined it.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
With Katie gone, maybe it's time for you to step up.
You mean I can have her job? No, I mean fix the ice sculpture.
- But - Fix it, Kevin.
Move it.
Hey, you look like you're in a good mood for a change.
Did one of your IPOs make a split into dividends and then Eh, forget it.
I don't know how money works.
No, I just got off the phone with Teen Help Line.
You called? Did they help you with your problem? They sure did.
I'm proud of you.
It's hard to be vulnerable, reach out for help.
And, of course, it's none of the stuff I was just saying.
What is going on, Oliver? I just had a very interesting conversation with one of the counselors.
He said a lot of the people who volunteer there go on to top colleges, including Harvard.
But most importantly, you'd be helping people.
Anna-Kat, do you have a pamphlet for hearing aids? Dad heard "helping people" when I clearly said "Harvard.
" [Slowly.]
Harvard.
[Normal voice.]
And all I have to do is apply and get in.
And get this it's all done sitting down.
Look at you, Anna-Kat.
You thought you couldn't cheer us up, but you did.
But there's someone else who still needs my help.
Let's talk about the bracelet, Greg.
Yeah.
Goodbye, fully functioning can opener.
We can't afford you anymore.
Goodbye, hand-crank pasta press.
I knew you were just gonna collect dust in the basement, but the idea of you was enough.
[Chuckles.]
Goodbye, cactus-shaped margarita glasses.
The fiesta's over.
Mm.
Goodbye, banana hanger.
And hello again, ceramic bowl where fruit goes to die.
[Sighs.]
Any regrets about quitting? Hell, no.
I know there's something better for me out there.
I want to find what you have a job that inspires me and a smokin'-hot wife.
[Chuckles.]
GREG: Are you sure this is a good idea? [Scoffs.]
Are you kidding? This is a great idea.
If your students thought having class outside was cool, they're gonna love this.
- Well, I am trying to do new things.
- [Scoffs.]
Trust me, it's gonna be awesome.
Okay.
You ready? Let's hear it.
[As Abraham Lincoln.]
Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
This is amazing.
It's like history come to life.
Now we are engaged in a great Civil War.
KATIE: [As Mary Todd Lincoln.]
Abe? Abe, honey? Yes, Mary Todd? Do you want to wrap this speech up? We're going to be late to the theater.
[Inhales sharply.]
I got us seats in the balcony.
[Normal voice.]
That's not funny.
Come on.
Give us a kiss.
- No.
- [Smooching.]
No! Mwah, mwah! [Continues smooching.]
No! [Discordant music plays.]
The plugs in your arms and head are gone.
Morpheus? Your appearance now is what we call residual self image.
It's a mental projection of your digital self.