Brooklyn Nine-Nine s04e02 Episode Script

1 - Greg.
- Larry.
What's going on? Any idea why Marshal Haas called this special meeting? I don't know.
Do you think she saw the video we put on the Internet to lure Jimmy Figgis down here? "Corn Dog pewwwnd by Go Kart.
" It's "pwned," but that was really adorable.
Well, if she has, it would ruin our entire plan.
Here she comes.
- Gentlemen.
- What's up? So how's it going? It's good.
It's really good.
Uh, keeping a low prof.
No contact with Brooklyn.
No one's questioned our identities.
Definitely staying off the Net, right, Greg? - Right.
- That's it? That's all you have to say to me? Yep, I think we're good.
So nobody's going to ask me how I'm doing? Oh, I didn't think this was a personal conversation.
It's not; turn back around and watch the movie.
This is official business.
I was just testing you, because Greg is the kind of person who cares about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.
Is something off with you, Marshal Haas? I don't know.
I mean, I met someone, okay, and, um I mean, it's not my husband, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but My entire body is on fire.
He's Cuban.
Is this still official business? Of course it is.
- Shut up and watch the movie.
- Yep.
Pop quiz.
If Larry were married and everything was fine, and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.
Sure.
But he knew that one night with this person could give him everything he needed for the rest of his life.
- Would he do it? - Yes? Yes? Good.
What if this person that Larry met was young? I mean, really young.
Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.
You know, it seems to me Larry has needs and deserves to have those needs met.
Greg, you're really great at being undercover.
You both passed the test.
Marco! Vamanos! Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Jake's back.
Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready.
We need gummy worms.
We need them now! No, Charles.
Jake is still wherever he is, but since it's been six months, the marshal is letting me write a one-page letter to Jake which she will read to him and then set on fire.
Is there anything you guys want me to write? You have to tell Jake about my new son, Nikolaj.
That he's four years old, he's from Latvia, he calls me "comrade," and I love him so much.
Will do.
Rosa, anything you want to tell Jake? Yeah.
Tell him I said You want me to write that you nodded slightly? He'll know what it means.
I would like you to tell Jacob that I'm thinking about him and hoping that he's safe.
What? Meet the new Gina, who always puts others before herself.
Can you make the whole letter about me doing that? Yeah, I'll just tell him that everything's exactly the same.
Guys, briefing room, five minutes.
We're getting a new captain.
Again! Hello, Larry.
It's your neighbor, Greg.
Can I try your hot tub out? I'm thinking of getting one.
Of course, that's a totally normal thing to do in 100 degree weather.
Come on in and hop in the tub.
Thank you.
We need to talk without being overheard.
Turn on the bubbles.
You got it.
[whirring.]
Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis saw our video.
How do you know? A man with a thick New Jersey accent called the Fun Zone, asking to meet the guys from "the corn dog video.
" Figgis is coming to kill us.
We should call the Nine-Nine for backup.
Oh, absolutely not.
That might alert the marshals.
We can take Figgis and his men down on our own.
Right.
Okay.
Let's go arm up.
Figgis has no idea what's about to hit him.
Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing.
I mean, I have been.
You can if you want.
I haven't been if you haven't.
Have you? I haven't.
Have you? We can't just waltz in there and buy whatever we want.
They'll do a federal background check on Greg Stickney and Larry Sherbert, and that will set off alarms in the marshal's office.
No, we'll have to bribe the gun store owner so he doesn't run our names.
But we don't have any money.
Oh, my God.
I'm the bribe, aren't I? You're not the bribe.
Why, what's wrong with my body? Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.
Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you.
I accidentally knocked up a woman.
- Greg! - You know me.
I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.
Heterosexual you is such a dog.
[sighs.]
Can I help you? Ah, no thanks, just browsing.
Although, you know what, since I'm here, why don't I grab, like, eight handguns, couple of shotguns, and, I don't know, three more handguns.
Can I see some ID? Yes, of course, of course.
Oh.
Would you look at that? I forgot my license, but I do happen to have this big old wad - No problem.
- Hmm? I don't need your ID.
Federal database is down anyway.
- Wink wink.
- Ah.
So how do you like your ammo? By the box or by the bucket? Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Our country is broken.
- What? - Bucket! I'll just take your biggest bucket of bullets.
Okay, everyone.
We've been assigned a new commander.
Please give him a warm welcome.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, guys.
I'm Captain Stentley.
Ah, yuck, that sounds so formal.
Um Captain Jason.
No.
Call me C.
J.
Okay, so that's all I got, unless you guys have any questions.
Yeah, you wearing sweat pants? No.
Oh, yes.
[laughs.]
Yes, I am.
I, um, had some hot cocoa this morning, and I totally biffed it.
I like this guy.
Uh, if I may ask, how did you become captain? You just seem a little, uh - Unqualified? - No.
No, no, no, no.
It's because I am, actually.
Here's how it happened.
I had an appointment at my dermatologist at 402 7th Avenue.
But I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake.
It's like numbers are so crazy, am I right? - Both: Amen.
- Not really.
Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down.
I showed up, spooked the kingpin.
He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly and they made me a captain about a week later.
Didn't you have to pass the exams? Like, wasn't there, like, an interview where they met you and heard you speak? Presumably.
Look, I'm going to be honest.
Between you and me, I don't fully know what I'm doing, but it seems like you guys do, so I'm just gonna stay out of the way and give you guys whatever you need.
Ceej? Hi, Gina Linetti here.
What I need is an assistant of my own, just to do my paperwork and all my other work.
Work is the worst.
I get it.
Uh.
Hire whoever you want.
I just want you guys to be happy.
- And I will help you with that.
- Great! Hey, we should do a hang sesh like this every morning.
This is amazing.
Where do ya where's my office? [squeals.]
I love him.
He's the best captain we've ever had, hands down.
I don't know what you're so excited about.
We have dangerous task ahead of us.
Wait, I thought you said we didn't need backup.
Are you worried? Do we need to call the Nine-Nine? No, no, no, no.
We have the drop on Figgis, we're fully armed up, and we have plenty of time to lay a trap.
Well, okay, then.
See you around, Coral Palms.
Adios, constant pool of sweat in my taint! You do one, Greg.
All right.
See you never, drive-through vape station.
Adios, weird Juggalo encampment! Bye-bye, slightly askew stop sign.
[siren chirping.]
Whoa-oh.
Oh, come on, for running a stop sign? We just passed someone driving with both feet out the window.
Just be cool, Larry.
Gentlemen.
I am going to need to see your license and registration.
Yeah.
Whoa, hold on.
What do we got going on back there? Oh, uh, yesterday's newspaper.
No, I'm talking about the pile of guns and the bucket of bullets.
- Right, right, right.
- Right, right, yeah.
Bucket of bullets, sure, sure.
I need you both to step out of the vehicle.
Yep, it'd be weird if you didn't.
This is a little bit weird.
Never been arrested before.
I mean, I was "detained" once by Taylor Swift's security team, but that was a misunderstanding.
She's probably going to write a song about me.
We got to get out of here.
Figgis could show up at any minute.
Don't worry.
We can outsmart some small-town sheriff.
We're NYPD detectives.
We caught the Son of Sam.
Ice-T plays us on TV.
We keep the Tony's safe.
Hey, fellas.
Listen, I am sorry about the delay.
We are overwhelmed here today.
We hired our first woman, so of course she needs her own bathroom and the shirt don't fit right both things chaos.
It's not a problem, Sheriff.
You have nothing to worry about.
I think we all agree that C.
J.
is, to put it mildly, not very impressive.
I watched him try to close the blinds in his office for 40 minutes.
He finally just gave up and changed his pants with the windows wide open.
Something has to be done, and I have a plan.
We use mankind's greatest weapon.
- A grenade.
- The written word.
Ugh, I'm out.
I drafted a letter to One Police Plaza saying that we think Captain Stentley is not a good fit for our precinct.
If we all sign it, they'll have to act.
Hey, guys, I'm Emily, Gina's assistant.
Wait, she actually got that? "Wait, she actually got that?" Sorry, I'm under strict orders from Gina to mock you whenever I see an opening.
Follow me, please.
Your 2:00 is here.
Okay, thanks, Em, and while I'm in this meeting, will you just shred some documents for me? Anything you see.
It's all garbage.
On it.
What's going on? We were busy.
Busy trying to ruin everything around here with your dumb letter? This is a gravy train, people.
Okay, C.
J.
will say yes to anything we ask for.
Rosa, dare to dream.
What do you want? For him to be gone.
You want that more than you want walls around your desk so Hitchcock can't stare at you with his big old google eyes anymore? C.
J.
stays.
I love that guy.
- Yes! - What? - That's not fair! - Come on.
And how about you, Charles? What do you want, baby boy? Well, I agree with Amy that C.
J.
is totally unqualified and a disaster for the precinct, and I would really love a treadmill desk so I can hit my cardio targets.
- Done.
- Yes! - Boyle.
- I'm sorry.
I'm doing it for Nikolaj.
You'll understand once you bear unto Jake a child.
[both groan.]
Looks like you're all alone.
Em, can you go ahead and show her out? Right this way, please, and can I validate your parking? I work here.
So, listen, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? It shouldn't take much time.
Great, because we actually have someplace important to be, so if it would speed things up, we're happy to waive our right to counsel.
Wow, counsel, the "C" word.
Wait, wait, wait.
You guys in law enforcement? No, no, no.
I just have a buddy who's a detective in the NYPD.
Whoo, I bet he's better than me at getting people to talk.
Everything I know about interrogation I learned from "The Newlywed Game.
" Huh.
So, look, why don't you each write down your answer to these questions.
Okay, question one, what were you going to use the guns for? Okay, and then read 'em out when you're done.
Both: Hunting.
Okay, see, I knew you boys were on the level.
Okay, question two: What do you hunt? - Deer.
- Grouse and other small fowl.
- Oh.
- Yep, we hunt everything.
You know, deer, grouse, a horse once.
Yes, we love killing any animal.
[chuckles.]
I hear ya.
Okay, question three: You said you had somewhere important to go, so where exactly is that? - Dinner date.
- Dinner date.
That's what mine says as well.
Sorry about the handwriting.
The point is, neither of us are lying.
Should we just pick up our keys on the way out, or how do you want to do this? [slam.]
No one has ever beaten "The Newlywed Game.
" No one.
Hey, Diaz.
Right.
The walls.
[sighs.]
[doorbell rings.]
Can I help you? I need the crime stats from last month.
Fine.
One sec.
Some people, huh? Hey, I'm up to 20,000 steps.
Seriously, Boyle? Oh, you don't care about my health? You don't care about if Nikolaj grows up without a papa? You want me to die? Honestly? A little.
Hurts.
I can't believe they all let C.
J.
and Gina just buy them off.
But we don't need them, 'cause we've got you, and you're a sergeant.
Did you sign the letter yet? Um I What did he give you? He gave me the ability to continue to serve this community unencumbered by a necessary oversight.
Now, I really have to What did he give you? He gave me a yogurt fridge, all right? I asked for a yogurt fridge, and I got one, right next to my desk! I'm only a man.
I'm sending this letter with or without your signature.
Enjoy your blood yogurt.
I will.
Time is running out.
We have the right to a phone call.
We need to call the Nine-Nine so they can sort this out with the sheriff.
No, they would want to get involved and that could endanger them.
They'd be okay with that.
Charles and Amy both love me.
Rosa's not scared of anything.
I'm like a mentor to Terry.
No, regardless, we don't have time for that.
We just have to tell the truth.
Sheriff, I'm ready to talk.
This better be good.
I'm a busy man.
You just spent 30 minutes trying to win a radio contest.
For my wife.
They're giving away Swampsgiving tickets.
I'm not really Greg, and that's not Larry.
We're Captain Raymond Holt and Detective Jake Peralta of the NYPD.
We've been targeted by Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis, the mafia boss.
We're in witness protection, and that is the full truth.
[sighs.]
[laughs.]
Good one.
That's a good one.
Just call the U.
S.
marshal who handles our case.
She'll explain everything.
She? [laughs.]
Oh, come on.
This is getting crazier by the second.
But I'll tell you, I kind of want to see how it plays out.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Okay, will do.
Well, it's a guy, and he says he's never heard of either one of you.
- That's impossible.
- Listen for yourself.
- Hello.
- It's Figgis.
I have your marshal, and I'm coming for you.
See you soon, Jake.
Wait.
[line clicks.]
[dramatic music.]
Great news.
I found Figgis.
This is bad.
Figgis has the marshal, and now he knows where we are.
We're sitting ducks.
That's the worst kind of duck.
Tell that to the Dutch Hookbill.
Look, the clock is ticking.
We only have one option.
Jailbreak.
And how do you propose to pull that off? By using this rag-tag team of inmates.
Our very Suicide Squad.
All right, let's rally the troops.
Hey, fellow prisoners.
Hi, there.
Everyone, look, we haven't connected as much as maybe we should have.
That's our fault.
Why don't I just kick things off.
I'm Jake, and I like baseball.
Now you say something about yourself.
I'm Raymond.
I don't care for baseball.
Great, so now that we're all vibing at 100, quick question: If there were to a be a jailbreak "of sorts," how many of you guys would be interested in that? Obviously if you have any moral objection okay, your hands are already all up, so I say we hop on this pony.
Great.
Now, do any of you have any special skills? Maybe the ability to pick a lock? Uh, I'm Mitch.
- I have a glass eye.
- Glass eye? We'll definitely find some use for that.
- How about you, sir? - I'm Evan.
I've been arrested for a lot of different stuff: public urination, urinating on private property, urinating 25 feet from a school, urinating out of a moving truck.
I don't think Evan gets what we're doing here.
Oh, doesn't he? He's been here for weeks.
He knows the guard's comings and goings.
Thank you for sharing, Evan.
You are valued here.
Your turn, old-timer.
It's always guys like this that unlock the entire operation.
What do you bring to the table? I'm Tito.
I'm great at smoking meth.
- And? - Snorting meth.
And? I haven't spoken to my daughter in a couple of years.
Oh, that's so sad.
Okay, so find something for Tito to do.
So I heard from One Police Plaza.
They received my letter, and apparently they also received hundreds of others in support of C.
J.
Yeah, Emily and I sent those in, so Emily, what was that burn I had you write down for Amy because I didn't want to forget it? "Why so sad? "Did you just find out American Girl doesn't make clothes in adult sizes?" No.
"Steven Seagal called and he wants his ponytail back"? Huh-uh.
"Gina: Hey, Amy, "what did one graphing calculator "say to the other one? "Amy: What? Gina: What does the sad lady own two of us?" That's it? [laughs.]
- Hey, Amy - You know what? Congratulations.
You just made sure that a terrible captain will be sticking around here indefinitely.
Come on, Santiago.
We're just trying to make the best of it.
- Yogurt? - Never! Yes! 40,000 steps! - Boyle! - I can't talk.
I got to keep my heart rate up.
Hey, can you guys keep it down? Need a roof on this thing.
Gina, I need a roof.
- Emily.
- On it.
Listen, you selfish jerks, that guy in there, the one playing the bongos right now, he thinks we're killing it, so he's just staying out of our way.
Well, the only reason we're killing it is because Captain Holt never let us be satisfied with ourselves.
He always inspired us to work harder and smarter, to be better.
And if he were here right now, he'd be ashamed of us.
Amy, wait! Oh! Ah! Ooh, ah! You swear this guy's about to meet up with his mistress? Yep.
Tuesday at 5:00.
It's Tanya time.
Well, there he goes.
Okay, now we got to get rid of the other deputy.
Glass eye, you're up.
Oh, so much drier than I would have thought.
Did I want it to be wet? - Jake! - Right! Sorry.
Just holding an eyeball in my hand.
No big deal.
Here we go.
Yah.
[glass shatters.]
What the hell? Must have gotten too hot.
Sheriff, I'm going to go get a mop.
Okay.
And great.
Now we stage a fight; when the sheriff comes in to break it up, we take him down.
All: Fight! Fight! Fight! Ah! [all groan.]
We got us a jail fight.
Yah! [laughs.]
Why isn't he coming in? I don't know, maybe he's not buying it.
Hit me harder.
Oh! Damn, you knocked him.
[rock music.]
What would it take for him to intervene? Do I actually have to kill you? No, he'd probably love that.
Ugh! But you know what he would hate? Okay, just go with me on this, all right? Ugh.
I can't stay mad at you.
Ooh! No! No! - Is it working? - I think so.
Not in my jail.
No, no.
Break it up! Whoa! Stop it! What are you doing? It's 2016, man.
This is on you.
Hey, wait a minute.
You didn't give me anything to do.
You have the most important job of all.
Tell everyone what you saw here today.
Oh, God bless you.
You're giving an old meth head a reason to live forever and We don't have time for this, Tito! Hey, Santiago, come with me a sec.
Why? So you can show off some new cool thing that C.
J.
got you? Let me guess, golden suspenders? Can you imagine? I would look amazing.
But that's not what I came here for.
Just follow me to the captain's office.
Hey, guys.
If Pac-Man were a stapler, he'd look like a little something like this.
Okay, so we wanted to talk to you, Captain Stentley Uh-oh.
Captain Stentley.
- Am I in trouble? - No.
You're our boss.
Oh, right.
Are you in trouble? No, sir.
It's just that the squad feels we've been taking advantage of you, and it has to stop.
So I returned my yogurt fridge.
I gave my treadmill desk back.
I took down my desk walls.
And I have agreed to fire my assistant's assistant Dana.
Dana? Who's Dana? Emily had a lot on her plate.
I don't understand.
I mean, I'm just trying to make you guys happy.
Well, if you want to do that, start acting like a real captain.
Make tough choices.
Tell people no sometimes.
Okay, if you think I need to stop doing whatever you guys want, then I will.
Yeah, that's progress.
If that's what you guys want.
- I gotta go.
- Good talk.
My door's always open, except when it's closed.
But you can open it when it's closed.
[siren blaring.]
I can't believe we're fugitives on the lam, falsely accused of a crime.
There's nothing false about it.
We committed several felonies and escaped from jail.
Yeah, but we were just doing what we had to do.
We're the good guys.
[gasps.]
This is what they all think.
Figgis is in town, and we have no car, no money, no guns; we can't go back to our houses because the police are looking for us.
It's time to call the Nine-Nine.
Absolutely not.
What is going on with you? Nothing, I just think that we can do it alone.
Sir, we just shared one of the longest kisses of my life.
I think we can be honest with each other.
All right.
The Nine-Nine bailed me out once before when I was taken hostage by Bob, a man I had put my trust in, like a fool.
I don't want them to rescue me again.
It's embarrassing.
I need to clean up my own mess.
Captain, it's the Nine-Nine.
There's nothing wrong with asking for help from people that care about you.
[phone ringing.]
This is Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
Captain Holt! Sir.
Captain Stentley.
There's an urgent situation, and we need 72 hours off to go to Florida.
Now, I can't why Absolutely not.
What? The Eight-Six said they would cover for us, and this very important! That's enough.
Someone once told me that being a captain means telling people no.
Oh, wait.
That was you guys.
You guys told me that.
Anyway, you're right.
You can't go.
Sorry, guys.
I kinda feel like this is my fault.
I kinda feel like this is my fault.
Not now, Emily.