Catastrophe (2015) s04e02 Episode Script

1 - Hey! - Hey.
Not here.
We can do that in the car.
- I took the bus.
- Well, we can do it on the bus.
Slut! (SHE LAUGHS) - What time's your sister getting in? - Not until eight.
Oh, can't wait to see her.
She's bringing me over some Diazepam.
- Happy pills.
- Yeah, I know what it is.
Why do you take that shit? Dunno.
Just.
.
sometimes like to feel a bit better than my factory settings.
(THEY LAUGH) What's the new foster kid like? - I dunno.
I know he's a teen.
- Really? Bloody hell! Good for her.
Maybe when Frankie and Muireann are older, we should think about fostering some kids.
Are you mental? Why would we wanna do that? - Cos it's a good thing to do.
- We don't have time to do good stuff - or space.
- Well, just say you don't wanna do it.
Don't say we don't have enough space.
Those kids come from clusters, hives of kids.
They don't give a shit about space.
Give 'em an apple and a blanket, they think they're at Disney World.
- Oh, did I tell you she's a Quaker now? - Huh? Yeah.
She started checking it out after Colton left her, - and now she's full-bore.
- Really? God, that worries me.
Your sister's ripe for being taken advantage of - by a cult.
Plus, they're hypocrites.
- It's not a cult.
You know, "I won't use a BlackBerry but I will use a wheel.
" A wheel's technology.
They use wheels like crazy.
They're fucking nuts about wheels.
And barns.
Barn technology.
Also, that's Amish.
Hang on.
How did she even get over here, if she's a Quaker? - I mean, how is she allowed to use a plane? - Huh? - She should come in a covered wagon.
- (HE CHUCKLES) - That's Amish.
It's a different thing.
You're a bigot - It's the same thing.
So what? What are you gonna do, text an Amish person? It's not the same thing, so your joke doesn't work.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Who cares? My asshole ex drew a swastika on my passport - so I wouldn't be able to leave the country.
- Oh, my God! The TSA guy said, "That's fine, so long as they can read the chip.
" And then on this side, the guy just smiled at me and invited me to something called a a ooh-kip.
Colton thinks that if he makes my life miserable, he's gonna feel better.
He's so unhappy.
I'm just praying for him.
Did I tell you that he took all my money from the company we started together? Yeah, I had to sell the house.
- You did, but Oh, no.
- (SHE MOUTHS) So Mom showed me how to eBay some of his Bruins jerseys, and that's how I paid for the plane tickets.
Oh! (CHUCKLES) - What's the bandwidth here? - Huh? How long would it take to download 75 gigs? Oh, I-I don't know.
But we have a full-colour TV.
You can watch a whole show, right now, as it's happening.
Well, we're gonna get out from under your feet very soon.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
- No, I wanna dive right in.
Do you guys wanna go to Buckingham Palace with us? Oh, no, thank you.
I don't like the monarchy.
Oh, that's funny, cos I've seen you looking at pictures of Princess Beatrice on your phone.
Well, that's not cos she's a royal.
She has giant beautiful eyes, and even if she worked at Pizza Express, I'd still look at pictures of her on my phone.
(CHUCKLES) That's not creepy.
And also, d-do you know how much the Crown Jewels are worth? If they sold one of those, just one of those jewels, it'd fund the NHS for 200 years, so for that reason, I hope they all get rickets.
- Other than that, they are quite fun.
- Mmm.
(SHE LAUGHS) - Morning.
- Mm.
I hope you don't mind that I helped myself to breakfast.
- Oh, God, no.
Knock yourself out.
- These Weetabix things are hilarious.
They start out as this wheaty brick, then you pour some milk on them and they turn into this sort of tasty slime.
- Yeah! They're fun, all right.
- Mm - where's Rob? - He's, er, doing his morning meditation.
- Really? Oh.
- No.
He's having a shit.
Between you and me I came over here because I wanted to check how he's doing.
Mom didn't paint a great picture.
How is he? How is he? Er I don't know, really.
I mean, he's not drinking, but he's not really happy.
He's sort of ashamed, I guess, you know, so he's working on himself, - which is great, but also selfish.
- Mm-hm.
It's like he's on a crusade, but to somewhere boring, - and we all have to come.
- Doesn't sound very fun for you.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't need fun all the time.
It's just that, like, up till recently, his alcoholism was just folklore, you know? And now it's kinda in my face.
- But, er Oh! There he is.
Morning.
- Morning! Oh, hey, Syd, uh, assuming you get your fill of touristy stuff today, do you think you could possibly watch the kids for us tonight? Why? What we doing? You taking me somewhere nice? Well, there's an open AA meeting at St Andrew's tonight that you can bring family to, so I thought we might hit that.
They usually have a pretty good biscuit spread if you get there early enough.
They go pretty fast.
- Hey! - Morning! - Morning.
- I was wondering, would you like to come and see the opening night of Jeffrey's play? Late notice because, I'll be honest, you weren't my first choice.
- Oh, wow! Yeah, I'd love to.
- Well, great! - Uh, you have to be there at 6:30.
- Why? How long's the play? - Three and a half hours.
- (SHE MOUTHS) I don't think I can make that.
(SHE SIGHS DEEPLY) Chris is bringing his new girlfriend, and I could really do with the moral support.
Please! - Will anyone famous be there? - Benedict Cumberbatch's brother, - Rollo, is playing Sebastian.
- Oh, Christ.
Mom said you were a real mess last time she was over.
How you doing now? I mean, my head's still a bit of a clown graveyard, - if I'm being honest.
But, uh, you know, - Yeah? - don't tell her that.
- I didn't even tell her about the accident.
Thank you.
How's she doing, by the way? Oh, she is just rough work! Her hearing's going, so she shouts at me a lot, and then I shout at her just to be heard.
- Everybody's just screaming.
- Ugh! - Is there anything I can do to help? - Well not from here.
Do you ever think about moving back? Yeah.
I think about it all the time, but you know, that idea doesn't gain a lot of purchase with Sharon.
Maybe when she dies.
Why would Sharon die? She sick? - Not that I know of.
- OK! - Um, oh, hey, Dave called, and he wants to see you, so I invited him over for dinner.
- I hope that's OK.
Yeah.
- Dave Norton? - Yeah.
Shockingly.
- Oh, my God.
He's still alive? Whoa! All right.
We'll see you home for dinner.
We're just gonna pop in here.
- - Oh, you're quakin' already? - Yeah, you can Quake on vacation.
- Mm-hm.
OK.
- Can I come in? - Totally! Yeah, come on.
Let's go.
OK! So, for your homework tonight, uh, I would like you to use your spelling words from today to make a picture, OK? I want you to all use colours, that's crayons, colouring pencils Don't just borrow your dad's bettin' Biro - and, er - (BELL RINGS) All right, everyone.
Leave your papers on your desk.
Sam? Sam, I want you to stay behind.
OK.
Right, no talking! Out! Thank you.
James, Sonny, stop flossing.
(CHILDREN LAUGH) Hey! Did you have a little accident? Yeah? Do you still need to go to the toilet, or did you did you do it all here? OK.
Um, I tell you what, I will go to lost property, and see if they've got any spare trousers, like last time.
Yeah? And don't worry about it This kind of thing used to happen to me all the time.
You should hear what my husband did at his sister's wedding.
I'll tell you when I get back.
OK.
Good man.
(SHE SIGHS QUIETLY) - What's happening now? - Oh, you just listen.
- To what? - Whatever's on your mind or God if you believe in that crap which I do.
So, Syd, whatever happened to that fuckin' asshole who Oh.
- I'm-I'm sorry, Jamie.
- Er, Jimmy.
Oh! Sorry about that, too.
(HE LAUGHS) Syd, whatever happened to that fuckin' Oh, shit! I'm so sorry.
Um, I'm sorry.
(SCOFFS) Er What do I do, give them money, or No.
Just next time you think you're gonna swear, don't.
OK.
Sure.
Syd - Yes? - whatever happened to that person you used to be in an adult relationship with? Y-you know, that angry guy with the greasy face? - Mm-hm.
Colton? I married him.
- Yeah.
Stayed with him for a little over a decade, and still detangling myself from that wreckage.
(HE LAUGHS) I just never thought I would see Dave Norton strapped to a baby! - (HE LAUGHS) I know, right? - Yeah! Ohhh, I am so blessed.
Uh, I'm sorry her mom couldn't be here.
She's got a little dose of the baby blues, so I don't really like being around her right now.
Oh, love this little chicken so much! Mwah, mwah! (HE LAUGHS) I didn't even know what had come out at first, you know, you know, if it done have cloven feet.
(CHUCKLING) I mean, I thought I could've been siring the Antichrist because, you know, I sold drugs to Slobodan Milosevic.
- Dave! - Oh! Sorry.
Sorry.
Guns.
(IN A WHISPER) Drugs and guns.
- How was your day? How was school? - Yeah! Grand.
OK, one of my kids has started wetting himself, so, yeah, the parents are coming in to see me tomorrow.
It's happened a few times now, God love him, - and I don't know whether something's going on at home.
- Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
It's difficult to know what to do, but sometimes I think this is what I'm good at.
You know, I mean, I hate that he's wetting himself, but at the same time, this is where I can really I dunno.
Shine.
You know what I mean.
You know what we do.
Oh.
Oh, there's salad in in the bowl there, if you Oh, thank you, honey.
We're all good.
Did Rob tell you how much he enjoyed his first meeting today? Looks like we might have two Quakers in the family! I don't understand why the idea of me becoming a better person, or at least trying to, puts such a cockroach up your asshole.
Number one, you're too busy.
You'd have to go to bloody weekly harvest feasts and what-have-you.
You've already got AA, therapy, work And, you know, what about me? Will I have to wear a bonnet? Don't think this doesn't affect us.
Uh, I don't think you're gonna have to wear a bonnet.
Yeah, you don't think? You don't know.
Why don't I ask 'em? - What was all that about at dinner? - All what? The Tupperware.
What's up with the briefcase of vegetables? Maybe Jimmy has scurvy.
I mean, in America they ship vegetables past poor neighbourhoods under armed guard.
- Yeah, but I serve vegetables.
- Maybe he needs pure, uncut veg, you know, and not spinach dissolved in butter and tinned tomatoes which I like, but let's not pretend Jamie Oliver's gonna be poking his head out of the cupboard asking for the recipe any time soon.
Get your feet off me.
So I just wondered if there were any difficulties at home.
I mean, it's happened a few times now, and I wanna help, but I guess I need the whole picture to be able to do that.
- He's scared of you.
- Right.
- What? - Well, he's scared to put his hand up to go to the loo when he's in your class.
(SHE CHUCKLES) OK (SHE LAUGHS) well, I'm surprised to hear that.
Um I'm not gonna reject it out of hand.
If that's how he feels you know, says he feels if that's what you're saying he says he feels, but, um, I guess I've just never made anyone pee themselves before uh, that I'm aware of, to my knowledge.
OK.
Let me just, um Let me digest that.
Uh, and while I have you, I notice you haven't been filling in the parent section of his reading log.
If you could get back on that - I don't hand them out for fun.
- Of course.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, look! There he is! - There's another one.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- And again.
- Yeah.
Do you want a drink? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- White wine? - (MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) - (BUZZ OF CONVERSATION) - Hey.
- Hey.
Fran, this is Tanya.
- Tanya, Fran.
- Pleased to meet you.
- And you.
Heard a lot about you.
- Oh! All good, I doubt.
Yes.
I mean no.
Not doubt.
All good.
- Did you see Jeffrey? - Yes.
I popped backstage.
Went through his vocal warm-up with him.
"The tip of the tongue, the teeth and the lips.
" "Give me the gift of a grip-top sock.
" - "Red leather, yellow leather.
" - I'm just gonna pop to the loo.
Won't make it to the interval with my tiny bladder.
"Tiny bladder"? That code for tight pussy? Not really.
- She's very pretty.
- Oh, thank you.
But a lot of people are pretty when they're younger.
But you know, enjoy the play.
Hi.
(SUBDUED MURMUR OF CONVERSATION) - Did you see the way she looked at him? - Who? Chris's new girlfriend.
(BOTH LAUGH) - He's obviously very fond of her.
- Is that bad? No.
It's just not sure we ever looked at each other like that.
(FRAN SIGHS HEAVILY) - (AUDIENCE MEMBER) Ssh! - (CONVERSATION DIES AWAY) (AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS) (LIGHT CLICKS ON) (FRAN GASPS AND EXHALES) If music be the food of love play on.
Give me excess of it that, surfeiting, - the appetite may sicken and so die.
- (FRAN SOBS) - - (FRAN SOBS) - Hey, you're home early.
- Yeah.
The play finished early because, er I left early.
- Do you wanna eat? - Yeah, OK.
Also, Jeffrey's penis is huge.
I mean, it just felt wrong looking at it.
- Does Chris have a big cock? - It feels big, - but I've only felt it in the dark.
- I mean, it was and they were all naked, you know? I mean, I like looking at naked people.
I sometimes like seeing plays.
But together And it was a small theatre, you know? - I could definitely smell their actory arseholes.
- Yum! Couldn't concentrate anyway.
Kept thinking about the pee kid and his parents, you know? Saying I scare him.
Now Hammond's getting involved.
Just seems so insane to me! It's not that insane.
I mean, I'm not afraid of you, but, you know, it's not impossible that a kid might be.
If I were three feet shorter, and you made it clear that I'd disappointed you, it's possible I might piss myself.
Yeah, but I don't act at school the way I act with you guys.
I would never behave out in the world - the way I do at home.
- (DOOR BANGS) - Oh, hey! - Hey! How was the play? You know what? I am not a big theatre-goer, so I'm probably not the best judge, but I'd say really terrible.
Oh.
Well, this looks delicious.
Oh, hang on.
I've got, um, I got a little, er - There you go.
All OK? - Jimmy? Can I get you anything else? Mm.
No, thanks.
This is so, so good! Whoo! I find it funny that you think I'm scary.
I'm not even cross.
I was actually (LAUGHING) I was actually laughing on my way over here.
(SHE LAUGHS) So, tell me what it is that you find scary about me, Sam.
(HE WHISPERS) Everything.
- Everything.
- (QUIETLY) Everything OK.
Well, um I'm not scary.
I'm, uh, I'm just a woman with opinions, and, um, for some people that is scary, (LAUGHS) but bu but, uh, um, what Do you know what I think? I think we're all scared of something, right? You know what I'm scared of? Climate change.
What are you scared of? You.
OK.
Um, well, do you know what else I'm scared of? Britain First.
White nationalists, you know? I mean, where where do they get off? Why why are they so What what else are you scared of? Nothing.
You're only scared of me? Well, that's I'm sorry.
I can't work with that.
I mean, obviously I don't want my wife to have a drunk husband, cos I like her.
She's a nice person.
I mean, not lately, but I mean, I'm going to AA and therapy.
I got kettlebells.
Uh, but, you know, I just I look in the mirror, and I'm, like, "Blugh.
" Can you fix that here? - You could fix that here.
- Well, great! You know, cos I really enjoyed the meeting the other day.
I mean, the quiet You know, in my home, we don't have that.
My wife is not a quiet person.
She's Irish, so I mean, and you know, at first that's charming, - but after a while it's like - Of course.
Oh, ah, one other question, uh, that I already know the answer to, but I promised my wife I'd ask.
Will she have to wear a bonnet? Well, normally we don't bring bonnets up until later.
- Are you serious? - I am not.
And the quiet there! I mean you can be quiet.
You can be gay.
You don't even have to believe in God.
- Mm-hm.
- It's just good people doing good things.
- You should come along.
- You know I can't.
- Why not? - Because of my condition.
- What condition? - I don't want to.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Look, it's different for you.
You're American.
You can go on journeys or whatever.
I can't change.
I'm a teacher and I frighten the kids I teach, and I don't even know what to do about that.
You'll deal with it your way.
You're a good teacher.
- Fuck the piss kid! - (SHE CHUCKLES) Yeah, but w-what if I'm like the nuns who used to terrify me? - You think I'm angry.
- Anger is OK.
It's not OK to punch your daughter in the head, but it's OK to feel anger.
Why wouldn't you be angry? - Life is shitty.
- Sydney's not angry.
Your Quakers aren't angry.
Well, maybe they should be.
I'm gonna talk to Brother Lucien about this.
OK.
Just just don't leave me behind, all right? Don't become a better person, and then look at me, and think you don't need me.
I'm not gonna leave you behind.
What are you doing here, Sam? Are you in trouble? What's that? Something bad you wrote? Can I see it? Sam? Can I see it? Can you show it to me? Can you Sam, can you just Thank you! (CLEARS THROAT) Is that about Sonny Batali's mum? (QUIETLY) OK.
I know some people.
I can make it go away.
Are you still scared of me? - No.
- Good! Back to class.
Hate is short.
Love is very long.
Together, let us weather the passing storms, and in the long term, love will somehow win over hatred.
- Somehow.
- Sorry? No.
It was just you said "somehow", and you mentioned long-term.
I need more help faster.
Look, I'm afraid patience and humility is a big part of what we practise here.
We don't offer magical answers.
Did you know this? - May I ask you a question? - Of course.
What are Quakers' thoughts on all the chaos in the world? - How do you mean? - You know, Gaza Syria Florida you know? Are you angry about all that? You know, and what about all the butting heads? Jews and Muslims? Christians? What do you think about them? Well, we wish them all the best.
Oh, come on.
You have an opinion! You know (SCOFFS) if you bottle up all that anger, you're gonna have an embolism.
Maybe you should be angry.
You know, why are you so laid-back? Is this a pot thing? I (SCOFFS) You know, I mean, I feel like you're trying to sell me a condo that on the outside looks nice, but on the inside, there's, like, no floors, and just some rat riding around - on an electric wheelchair.
(SIGHS) - Pardon? You know, and I don't think this is gonna work out.
I'm quitting.
And, uh, I'm not saying that you guys should quit, but you should have a plan in case you get into power.
- Come here.
- (SHE CHUCKLES) Oh, I loved having you here so much! You're the best.
And getting to know Jimmy.
Ah, it's a wonderful thing.
- Well, what? - Um Can I just ask about the vegetables? - Just about about the Tupperware? - Oh, sure.
- Uh, go say goodbye to Frankie.
- Sure.
Oh, no, it's not a big It's just, you know, I would always serve vegetables, but you'd still - I mean you'd always - I should've explained.
Jimmy's dad was the cook in their family, and when he went to prison, his mom would do him the same red-and-yellow vegetables his dad used to, was sort of their little thing.
And then, when his mom died, he got pretty obsessed with having the same shape and colour vegetables that she used to make for him.
So I just didn't want you guys to have to I dunno, bother with all that.
So I just did it.
(SHE SIGHS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We're such arseholes! Because we were just, like, you know, "What's up with the vegetable briefcase?" - It's not a briefcase.
- No, no, I'm sorry.
It was just our little joke.
- Y-you guys had a joke about it? - No.
(MOBILE RINGS) Ugh, it's Colton.
Ugh! I should probably take it.
He's missed five calls this trip.
Hello.
Yes, I'm having a great trip.
Thank you for asking.
The more time zones that separate us, the happier I am.
Because you're a brown stripe on my fucking panties, that's why.
Well, unless you're calling to tell me that you're wiring the money that you stole from me, or that you figured out a way to fix my broken heart that doesn't involve ever seeing you again, you can fuck the fuck off! OK! Yeah.
Oh, you (SHE GROWLS) Argh! Well, up yours! Up yours too, you deadbeat fuck-maggot! - Argh! - (BABY GURGLES IN BACKGROUND) Oh! I think I'm going to be sick.
(SIGHS) No, no, no.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
(EXHALES) OK, no.
I am gonna be Si - (SHE RETCHES) - - (WATER RUNNING) - (SHE VOMITS) (SHE GROANS) - (SHE VOMITS) - (WATER CONTINUES RUNNING) - (MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian)