Cow and Chicken (1997) s04e02 Episode Script
Black Sheep of the Family
1
This is a story about a family.
A normal, happy family just like yours.
Or mine.
But, like most families,
there is always one member
who will bring shame
and dishonor to the fold.
Oh, I will get it!
Hello, may I help you?
Hello.
I'm your long lost cousin, Black Sheep,
who's come to stay with you!
Black Sheep?
You see, my parents have gone off
on their second honeymoon,
and so I'm forced to rely on the hospitality
of my cousins, Cow and Chicken.
Kids? Could I have a word with you?
- Yes, Dad?
- Yes, Dad?
Now listen, kids.
You two had better be careful
with your cousin Black Sheep.
He's got a history
as long as your intestines.
But Dad, what is it that Black Sheep
has done that is so wrong?
Isn't it obvious?
He is the black sheep of the family,
you know!
But Uncle
See? What did I tell you?
A trouble maker!
Well, your Mom and I are taking off
on our second honeymoon!
Hey, wait up!
Don't let the Black Sheep get you
into trouble!
Hey, Earl? Hey, Flem?
Guys, I'd like to introduce yous
to our cousin, Black Sheep.
I'm most honored
to make your acquaintance.
You know, Earl?
I couldn't help noticing
how your dental contraption
truly compliments
Flem's ocular accouterments.
He's making fun of me!
Hey! You can't talk to my friends that way!
Come on, guys!
We don't have to stand around
being insulted by no Black Sheep!
Well, cousin Black Sheep,
now you have gone and did it!
You'd better say you are sorry.
Wait! I assure you, you misconstrued!
What kind of foul language is being forced
into our tender,
innocent ears by Black Sheep?
Oh, you misconstrue
Cousin Black Sheep,
aren't you ashamed of your behavior?
You must go out into the world
and do good deeds to atone
for your evil ways!
And I shall go with thee,
and act as thy guardian bovine.
Good gravy!
Wait fill that dope O'Fannyhee gets
a load of this!
Cease and desist,
you scurrilous rapscallions!
It's the sheep!
Sorry, Mister Sheep, Sir.
We're bad on account of we watch
too many cartoons on TV.
I'll take that!
Now, run along or else
I'll summon the authorities.
Yes sir, Mr. Sheep, Sir.
Oh, there you are, cousin.
I have been looking all over for you.
Hey, what is the spray paint for?
Unfortunately, this paint
was used to paint this unsightly graffiti
which mars the beauty of our fair city.
And just look at that grammar.
What it should say is
"Officer O'Fannyhee has a big butt."
All, righty, who has a blabber mouth?
Taggers, aye?
Calling all units! Calling all units!
Officer O'Fannyhee,
in pursuit of dangerous vandals,
four-ten-copy-roger!
Run for your life!
That guy eats taggers for dinner!
O'Fannyhee here in pursuit
of Black Sheep car thief.
Consider him hooved and dangerous.
Use extreme force.
Ten-four-alta-niner.
Oh, look! There's another one.
I do not understand, cousin.
Why do you keep getting in
so much trouble?
Throughout history,
we black sheep
have endured agonizing hardship inflicted
by a harsh and distrusting world.
And yet I strive to maintain a positive,
helpful and polite demeanor at all times.
I hope that answers your question,
dear cousin Cow.
Yeah. Except for one small point.
Why do you keep getting in
so much trouble?
Cousin, look!
Hey! I know those guys!
It's Flem and Earl on TV!
I am speaking with two boys,
Fleem and Earhole.
Boys, in your own words,
tell us of your horrifying encounter
with the infamous Black Sheep!
Well, first of all,
he cast dispersions about Fleem, here.
Earhole is right.
He talked a lot of dirty sheep-talk
that made me cry.
That just isn't true!
How can they say such things?
Oh, dang, I'm stuck!
I've just been handed a police sketch
of the alleged Black Sheep.
Parents, cover your kid's eyes.
Oh, my! What a horrible monster!
Black Sheep!
Don't worry, madame! I know CPR!
A one, and a two, and a three
Hey! It's that creep!
Black Sheep's beating up on an old lady!
Black Sheep? The criminal?
We'll all be injured!
Don't worry, madame!
Where am I?
It would seem that
you had a minor coronary,
but I administered external head massage
and saved your life.
The sheep saved my life!
Why, he's a hero!
Oh, cousin Black Sheep!
I knew you could do it!
Oh, I am so proud I could just bust!
Freeze!
Guess who's busted?
You'll do ten to twenty for heroing
without a license.
Not so fast, O'Fannyhee!
No member of our family is doing
no ten to twenty for being no hero!
Yeah!
If you want to take cousin Black Sheep in,
you'll have to take us all in!
Yeah!
All right, back off, all of ya!
You're all under arrest for being
an angry mob, without a permit.
Now, into the paddy wagon with all of ya!
It's Super Cow, don'tcha know?
Super Cow, ala rescate!
Let that man go!
O'Fannyhee isn't such a bad guy.
He's just grumpy because he's cold.
Flem, might I trouble you
for your cat shaving sheers?
Sure, pal!
Pardon me, madame,
may I borrow your hair pins?
They're yours!
Merci.
Hey, check it out!
Yeah! He's shaving his hind quarters!
I always thought the farmer did that.
Now he's knitting some kind of garment!
Now, that's
what I call one domesticated sheep!
Officer O'Fannyhee,
as a token of the pity I feel for you,
I have made you these!
Woolen britches!
Try 'em on!
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Oh, perfect fit, don'tcha know!
And so warm.
And they're so wonderfully itchy, too!
Thanks, Black Sheep!
I'm off to show the boys
down at the station!
Well, cousin Black Sheep,
you have finally proven yourself.
Yes, Sir.
You're a better sheep than I is.
Yes.
I feel that for the first time in my life,
people are looking at me
in a whole new way!
Come on, cousins! Let's go home!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the great poet and thespian,
Lance Sackless.
Hello.
To be a good actor,
one of course has to look good!
A smart costume is a must.
Notice how this ruffley shirt
accentuates my talents.
Well, thank you Lance Sackless.
My pleasure.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Stop!
Waiting minute, Weasel.
I.R. cannot remembering why we fighting.
I.R. thinking it's your fault.
But how come?
Don't you remember?
Let me tell you again, Baboon.
We were best friends
until we spent that week at Enemy Camp.
Remember?
Sixty-seven? Summer of Love?
I.R. never going to Enemy Camp
before ever.
Nor I, old friend.
I can't wait to be enemies with you.
Hello, ladies!
Hello! It's me, Lance Sackless,
your personal trainer here at Enemy Camp!
All dressed up and nowhere to go.
I'll be guiding you through
the wondrous world of enemy-ness.
Oh, there are many many very exciting
aspects to the subject.
Jealousy.
Revenge!
And contempt!
What are you doing?
Why are you holding hands?
Baboon is my friend.
Wrong! This is Enemy Camp.
Did I say
'Pink Lace And Fashion Model Camp?
No, I did not.
You might want to keep an eye
on the squirrel.
He's not like us.
Let's try a little role playing, shall we?
Lesson one:
Just for the sake of argument,
let's say I'm,
Baboon's girlfriend.
Oh, just think of the glories of me
as your girlfriend!
But
you know how I am, don't you bud?
Always looking for the greener pasture,
the brighter bulb with more watts?
Hey!
Sorry to break it to you this way,
but I'm leaving you.
Love a man in uniform.
What do you say you and I go steady?
Well, I
I appreciate your advances, madame.
And don't think I'm not tempted.
But Baboon is my friend.
And I could never take his girl.
Now, go on
back to your monkey.
Guess who won't be coming
to my party this year?
All right, Weasel!
It's a Saturday night at a fancy restaurant.
Jazz is playing. Romance is in the air.
The Simian asks
to pass the mustard, por favor.
What do you do?
Here you are, friend Simian.
Wrong!!
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
With a capital "R."
A real enemy would do it like this!
Note to self
mustard kinda stings the eyes.
Lesson twenty-nine.
Your enemy insults your mother,
then wants to blow her up.
What do you do?
Let's pretend I'm Baboon's Mom.
Oh, that bad old Weasel has set me adrift!
Come save your fat Mom, Baboon!
Your enemy, Weasel, insulted my butt!
Now, swim out here,
save your mother
from the mean old dynamite!
Then beat up Weasel, 'kay?
Baboon?
Sorry about your mom.
It's okay.
That wasn't so bad.
This is bad!
Okay, campers,
Mr. Sackless is starting to get angry.
Weasels and Baboons are natural enemies.
Look, it's in the book!
You hate each other!
Weasels attack Baboon's soft underbellies.
Come on, Weasel, bite the soft underbelly.
All right, Weasel, now I'm a baboon!
Get over here and fight me!
Come on, fight me!
Fight me! Fight me!
Guys, you've got to help me.
It's horrible!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Unfortunately,
we had to cut the camp short this year
due to extenuating circumstances.
So let's move on to the Enemy Camp
Achievement Award for "Best Enemy!"
Weasel, that rotten ferret!
'Cause he's my enemy now!
Did you hear that?
I win!
Hey! How come stupid Weasel Win?
I.R. better enemy than you!
That hurts. That hurts.
Oh, glory, I'm a success!
Now I can die happy.
And the rest is history.
You two should be hating each other.
And because you're both so small,
I got a special deal.
One for ten bucks, or two for twenty!
Meow-meow?
Woof-woof?
Now I.R. remember
how come I.R. hating Weasel.
Just sign right here, men.
You see?
Those were my finest campers.
They hate each other. I'm so proud.
This is a story about a family.
A normal, happy family just like yours.
Or mine.
But, like most families,
there is always one member
who will bring shame
and dishonor to the fold.
Oh, I will get it!
Hello, may I help you?
Hello.
I'm your long lost cousin, Black Sheep,
who's come to stay with you!
Black Sheep?
You see, my parents have gone off
on their second honeymoon,
and so I'm forced to rely on the hospitality
of my cousins, Cow and Chicken.
Kids? Could I have a word with you?
- Yes, Dad?
- Yes, Dad?
Now listen, kids.
You two had better be careful
with your cousin Black Sheep.
He's got a history
as long as your intestines.
But Dad, what is it that Black Sheep
has done that is so wrong?
Isn't it obvious?
He is the black sheep of the family,
you know!
But Uncle
See? What did I tell you?
A trouble maker!
Well, your Mom and I are taking off
on our second honeymoon!
Hey, wait up!
Don't let the Black Sheep get you
into trouble!
Hey, Earl? Hey, Flem?
Guys, I'd like to introduce yous
to our cousin, Black Sheep.
I'm most honored
to make your acquaintance.
You know, Earl?
I couldn't help noticing
how your dental contraption
truly compliments
Flem's ocular accouterments.
He's making fun of me!
Hey! You can't talk to my friends that way!
Come on, guys!
We don't have to stand around
being insulted by no Black Sheep!
Well, cousin Black Sheep,
now you have gone and did it!
You'd better say you are sorry.
Wait! I assure you, you misconstrued!
What kind of foul language is being forced
into our tender,
innocent ears by Black Sheep?
Oh, you misconstrue
Cousin Black Sheep,
aren't you ashamed of your behavior?
You must go out into the world
and do good deeds to atone
for your evil ways!
And I shall go with thee,
and act as thy guardian bovine.
Good gravy!
Wait fill that dope O'Fannyhee gets
a load of this!
Cease and desist,
you scurrilous rapscallions!
It's the sheep!
Sorry, Mister Sheep, Sir.
We're bad on account of we watch
too many cartoons on TV.
I'll take that!
Now, run along or else
I'll summon the authorities.
Yes sir, Mr. Sheep, Sir.
Oh, there you are, cousin.
I have been looking all over for you.
Hey, what is the spray paint for?
Unfortunately, this paint
was used to paint this unsightly graffiti
which mars the beauty of our fair city.
And just look at that grammar.
What it should say is
"Officer O'Fannyhee has a big butt."
All, righty, who has a blabber mouth?
Taggers, aye?
Calling all units! Calling all units!
Officer O'Fannyhee,
in pursuit of dangerous vandals,
four-ten-copy-roger!
Run for your life!
That guy eats taggers for dinner!
O'Fannyhee here in pursuit
of Black Sheep car thief.
Consider him hooved and dangerous.
Use extreme force.
Ten-four-alta-niner.
Oh, look! There's another one.
I do not understand, cousin.
Why do you keep getting in
so much trouble?
Throughout history,
we black sheep
have endured agonizing hardship inflicted
by a harsh and distrusting world.
And yet I strive to maintain a positive,
helpful and polite demeanor at all times.
I hope that answers your question,
dear cousin Cow.
Yeah. Except for one small point.
Why do you keep getting in
so much trouble?
Cousin, look!
Hey! I know those guys!
It's Flem and Earl on TV!
I am speaking with two boys,
Fleem and Earhole.
Boys, in your own words,
tell us of your horrifying encounter
with the infamous Black Sheep!
Well, first of all,
he cast dispersions about Fleem, here.
Earhole is right.
He talked a lot of dirty sheep-talk
that made me cry.
That just isn't true!
How can they say such things?
Oh, dang, I'm stuck!
I've just been handed a police sketch
of the alleged Black Sheep.
Parents, cover your kid's eyes.
Oh, my! What a horrible monster!
Black Sheep!
Don't worry, madame! I know CPR!
A one, and a two, and a three
Hey! It's that creep!
Black Sheep's beating up on an old lady!
Black Sheep? The criminal?
We'll all be injured!
Don't worry, madame!
Where am I?
It would seem that
you had a minor coronary,
but I administered external head massage
and saved your life.
The sheep saved my life!
Why, he's a hero!
Oh, cousin Black Sheep!
I knew you could do it!
Oh, I am so proud I could just bust!
Freeze!
Guess who's busted?
You'll do ten to twenty for heroing
without a license.
Not so fast, O'Fannyhee!
No member of our family is doing
no ten to twenty for being no hero!
Yeah!
If you want to take cousin Black Sheep in,
you'll have to take us all in!
Yeah!
All right, back off, all of ya!
You're all under arrest for being
an angry mob, without a permit.
Now, into the paddy wagon with all of ya!
It's Super Cow, don'tcha know?
Super Cow, ala rescate!
Let that man go!
O'Fannyhee isn't such a bad guy.
He's just grumpy because he's cold.
Flem, might I trouble you
for your cat shaving sheers?
Sure, pal!
Pardon me, madame,
may I borrow your hair pins?
They're yours!
Merci.
Hey, check it out!
Yeah! He's shaving his hind quarters!
I always thought the farmer did that.
Now he's knitting some kind of garment!
Now, that's
what I call one domesticated sheep!
Officer O'Fannyhee,
as a token of the pity I feel for you,
I have made you these!
Woolen britches!
Try 'em on!
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Oh, perfect fit, don'tcha know!
And so warm.
And they're so wonderfully itchy, too!
Thanks, Black Sheep!
I'm off to show the boys
down at the station!
Well, cousin Black Sheep,
you have finally proven yourself.
Yes, Sir.
You're a better sheep than I is.
Yes.
I feel that for the first time in my life,
people are looking at me
in a whole new way!
Come on, cousins! Let's go home!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the great poet and thespian,
Lance Sackless.
Hello.
To be a good actor,
one of course has to look good!
A smart costume is a must.
Notice how this ruffley shirt
accentuates my talents.
Well, thank you Lance Sackless.
My pleasure.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Stop!
Waiting minute, Weasel.
I.R. cannot remembering why we fighting.
I.R. thinking it's your fault.
But how come?
Don't you remember?
Let me tell you again, Baboon.
We were best friends
until we spent that week at Enemy Camp.
Remember?
Sixty-seven? Summer of Love?
I.R. never going to Enemy Camp
before ever.
Nor I, old friend.
I can't wait to be enemies with you.
Hello, ladies!
Hello! It's me, Lance Sackless,
your personal trainer here at Enemy Camp!
All dressed up and nowhere to go.
I'll be guiding you through
the wondrous world of enemy-ness.
Oh, there are many many very exciting
aspects to the subject.
Jealousy.
Revenge!
And contempt!
What are you doing?
Why are you holding hands?
Baboon is my friend.
Wrong! This is Enemy Camp.
Did I say
'Pink Lace And Fashion Model Camp?
No, I did not.
You might want to keep an eye
on the squirrel.
He's not like us.
Let's try a little role playing, shall we?
Lesson one:
Just for the sake of argument,
let's say I'm,
Baboon's girlfriend.
Oh, just think of the glories of me
as your girlfriend!
But
you know how I am, don't you bud?
Always looking for the greener pasture,
the brighter bulb with more watts?
Hey!
Sorry to break it to you this way,
but I'm leaving you.
Love a man in uniform.
What do you say you and I go steady?
Well, I
I appreciate your advances, madame.
And don't think I'm not tempted.
But Baboon is my friend.
And I could never take his girl.
Now, go on
back to your monkey.
Guess who won't be coming
to my party this year?
All right, Weasel!
It's a Saturday night at a fancy restaurant.
Jazz is playing. Romance is in the air.
The Simian asks
to pass the mustard, por favor.
What do you do?
Here you are, friend Simian.
Wrong!!
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
With a capital "R."
A real enemy would do it like this!
Note to self
mustard kinda stings the eyes.
Lesson twenty-nine.
Your enemy insults your mother,
then wants to blow her up.
What do you do?
Let's pretend I'm Baboon's Mom.
Oh, that bad old Weasel has set me adrift!
Come save your fat Mom, Baboon!
Your enemy, Weasel, insulted my butt!
Now, swim out here,
save your mother
from the mean old dynamite!
Then beat up Weasel, 'kay?
Baboon?
Sorry about your mom.
It's okay.
That wasn't so bad.
This is bad!
Okay, campers,
Mr. Sackless is starting to get angry.
Weasels and Baboons are natural enemies.
Look, it's in the book!
You hate each other!
Weasels attack Baboon's soft underbellies.
Come on, Weasel, bite the soft underbelly.
All right, Weasel, now I'm a baboon!
Get over here and fight me!
Come on, fight me!
Fight me! Fight me!
Guys, you've got to help me.
It's horrible!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Unfortunately,
we had to cut the camp short this year
due to extenuating circumstances.
So let's move on to the Enemy Camp
Achievement Award for "Best Enemy!"
Weasel, that rotten ferret!
'Cause he's my enemy now!
Did you hear that?
I win!
Hey! How come stupid Weasel Win?
I.R. better enemy than you!
That hurts. That hurts.
Oh, glory, I'm a success!
Now I can die happy.
And the rest is history.
You two should be hating each other.
And because you're both so small,
I got a special deal.
One for ten bucks, or two for twenty!
Meow-meow?
Woof-woof?
Now I.R. remember
how come I.R. hating Weasel.
Just sign right here, men.
You see?
Those were my finest campers.
They hate each other. I'm so proud.