Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e02 Episode Script
Look Ma, No Pants
What are you doing? Eating.
It's a tradition in kitchens.
My new boss is coming for dinner, doogie.
You've ruined my presentation.
Look, uh, don't worry, mom.
I'm a doctor.
Here we go.
Just, uh Heh heh heh.
Good as new, though she may have a slight limp.
See you.
Wait.
Where are you going? I assumed you'd join us.
Sorry, mom.
I'm going out.
Please stay for dinner.
It's my first night off in two weeks.
I don't want to discuss patient policy over a one-legged bird.
Look I promise we won't talk shop.
She's very bright.
She's got an m.
B.
A.
From Michigan.
She speaks three languages.
She's written several articles on geriatric health care.
Doogie.
I told Suzanne you'd be here.
She's looking forward to meeting you.
Oh, I get it.
It's the old "trot the boy genius out" "to impress the guests" routine.
I don't think so.
O.
K.
, fine.
Have fun.
Who cares if it's important to me? It's not like I ask for much.
Oh, mom, stop it.
Now I feel guilty.
Wait.
That was just gas.
Never mind.
See you.
I'm Suzanne Rogers.
You must be doogie.
Why, uh, y-yes, I am.
So When do we eat? A large part of a geriatric patient's fear comes from a feeling of a loss of control.
O.
K.
, enough about work.
I'm probably boring you to tears.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
I've always been fascinated by gerontology.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you It's your birthday? Actually, it's this weekend, but they'll be away.
We could still change our plans.
No.
Turning 19 isn't exactly a milestone.
All right.
Can we still sing? Fine.
If you get out those pointy hats, though, I'm out of here.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear doogie Happy birthday to you Mrs.
h.
, your butterball's aroma always makes my knees quiver.
Thank you, Vinnie.
That's o.
K.
, Dr.
h.
I can help myself.
So, doog home yet? He's in the dining room with our company.
Company? Rowrr! You serious? Where? In a hospital in Who's the renard? The renard? Yes.
That's French for "fox," dear.
Vinnie, that's no renard.
That's my boss.
You're kidding.
So you're letting doogie schmooze her, huh? Good idea.
What? Climbing the corporate ladder on your son's back is nothing to be ashamed of.
Vinnie, they're talking.
Nothing more.
Yeah, right.
You hear that? That is no ordinary snicker.
That is the mating call of the yellow-bellied sap-sucking hormonal teenager.
There's one lovely chickadee picking up the scent.
Vincent, one more comment, I'll have you stuffed and mounted.
Hey, vin.
Suzanne, this is my friend Vinnie.
So, uh, you're Mrs.
h.
'S new boss.
You must realize Got yourself one hell of a worker here.
Very deep thinker.
Vinnie.
Oh, I realize.
We'll walk you out.
Thanks.
Good night, Vinnie.
It was very nice to meet you.
Doogie, good night.
Good night.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
You're heading for trouble.
What trouble? You cannot get involved with your mother's boss.
It's your classic lose-lose-lose proposition.
Pay attention.
He's on a wisdom roll.
Say you go out.
She falls for you.
But eventually you dump her.
She takes it out on your mother and fires her.
Lose 1, right? Say you fall for her but she dumps you.
Now she feels guilty, can't work with your mom.
Mom's on the street.
Lose 2.
Say you hit it off, get married.
She's giving orders to her mother-in-law.
That's gonna work.
Mom's toast.
Lose 3.
My prophesy's fulfilled.
Thank you, nostradamus.
Fine.
Cavort with your mother's superior, when mom is reduced to selling corn dogs at the mall, I warned you.
Mom, would you have a problem with me asking Suzanne out? On a date? Yeah.
Well, no, sweetheart, but just don't be too disappointed if she turns you down.
Why would she turn me down? Well, she is older than you, and I suspect she goes out with men Older men.
Older-than-you men.
I just wouldn't want to see you get hurt, that's all.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
She already said yes.
We're going out next weekend.
Mmm.
Do you really like them? Oh, I love them.
They ought to hang these in a museum, Amelia.
Oh, my baby.
Mom.
Mm-hmm? Are they going to leave the balloon inside your heart? Oh, no, no, honey.
Hi, Amelia.
Hi, Dr.
howser! Uh, you know, Amelia, it's time your mom got some rest.
Mr.
snyder's waiting for you.
You can come back tomorrow.
O.
K.
Goodbye, mom.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
Hi, Amelia.
Ready to go home? So, how are you feeling? So, Amelia seems to be handling this well.
I suppose she has her moments, but you don't know her like I do.
She doesn't do well without me.
The snyders are good people, but Amelia's not very comfortable away from home.
Well, you've done a remarkable job with her since Arthur died, but, uh, maybe it's time to give some thought to who will care for her when you can't anymore.
I thought you said this balloon business wasn't very risky, David.
It's not.
It's just Well, there's no reason to discuss it, then.
I'm going to be fine.
And in two days, I will be home taking care of my daughter.
Am I right? You're right.
Dinner was great, doogie.
The restaurant was o.
K.
, but we should've barbecued shish kebabs in the back yard.
Then we would've never met Victor.
Does every waiter in L.
A.
Introduce himself like that? Before we left, I knew more about him than some of my own relatives.
It's not just waiters.
It's everyone.
Total strangers will tell you their life story.
That doesn't happen in Minnesota? No.
In funkley, it's usually too cold to stop and talk.
You grew up in a town called funkley? Actually, it's very nice, but around this time of year, the moose are storing fat for the winter.
Meanwhile, your parents are sailing to Catalina for the weekend.
Funkley? Shut up.
You don't know how lucky you are.
Every year I'd watch the rose bowl parade.
It was sunny and 85 degrees.
The rose queen would wear her little sleeveless gown and her little tiara, waving to the crowd.
God, I hated her.
Outside my house, the wind chill was 5 below, and ice would form up my nostrils.
I dreamed of living in a place like this where, any time of year, you could take a swim.
That's your dream? Go for it.
I would if I had a suit.
You wouldn't let a suit get in the way of a dream? Yes, as a matter of fact.
It's funny if you think about it.
What? That Americans find it necessary to swim even partially clothed.
That's true.
The French, they're much more comfortable with their bodies.
Look at all their nude beaches.
Yeah.
St.
tropez.
Cannes.
Monte Carlo.
How about the scandinavians? Yeah.
A naked plunge into the fjord is part of their culture.
It invigorates the circulatory system.
In Japan, whole communities bathe nude together.
It's practically part of their religion.
It's just unfortunate that a country, otherwise so advanced, can be so mired in puritanical tradition.
Good point.
I won't look.
Deal.
Ohh.
I don't think I can throw up again, David.
It's o.
K.
, dear, really.
Some people just weren't meant to be sailors.
I've got to get something to settle my stomach.
We'll never be invited back on the brenners' boat.
Whoa! Whoa! Suzanne? Doogie? Dad.
Katherine.
Maybe I can throw up one more time.
Happy birthday, Douglas.
Morning.
Mom I don't want to talk about it.
I'm just too angry.
How could you do that to me? Mom I don't want to talk about it.
Yo ho, howsers.
Is this a beautiful morning or what? Oh, it's "or what.
" Now is not a good time.
I'll catch you later.
A little tiff at the howsers', and it's am-scray, Vinnie.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Look, mom I don't want to talk about it.
You said a date.
I assumed you meant a movie, miniature golf, not swimming naked in our pool.
Whoa! You two got naked? I'm gone.
I'm not here.
You never saw me.
Howser, you Adonis! Mom, we weren't Naked, o.
K.
? We were skinny-dipping.
Scandinavians consider it totally natural.
There is nothing natural about my son swimming naked with a woman.
What's really bothering you Me being naked with your boss or with a woman, period? Douglas, this conversation's over.
What conversation? Don't raise your voice at me.
Just go to your room.
You're sending me to my room? What am I, 6? Just spank me, mom.
Get it over with.
Oh, i i don't believe this.
Ahem.
What? Katherine, our arrangement with Douglas was that he wouldn't throw this kind of thing in our faces, and our faces were supposed to be in Catalina.
Nothing personal, but I can't wait to leave.
First thing I'll do is go to Nate-n-al's for a big, thick pastrami sandwich.
I'm only kidding.
Um, Betty, before you leave, I'd like to tell you about a place I've done some research on.
It's called the hallmark house.
It's a group care residence for adults like Amelia.
This was your idea, wasn't it, Dave? This is a wonderful facility near your home.
Amelia would love it.
Thank you.
I'm not interested.
Amelia belongs with me.
You've known her since she was a little girl.
Amelia would be terrified in this place.
We're only suggesting that she visit.
If she doesn't like it, you've lost nothing.
I'll take her there.
Can't you understand? I am the only person who has ever taken care of her.
She'd be lost without me.
That's exactly why you have to let her go.
It's time you think about her future.
The angioplasty gave you significant relief, but you still have coronary artery disease.
You're not going to live forever.
Amelia is going to have to learn to live independently sooner or later.
The question is, are you going to be around to help her or not? Katherine? Suzanne.
I was just looking for you.
Katherine, we need to talk.
Hi, doogie.
Look, Suzanne, I've given this a lot of thought, and I don't think we should continue to see each other.
Really? Yeah.
You see, this morning, I had a frank conversation with my mom, and I realized that this really isn't fair to her or to you.
It's o.
K.
I just spoke to your mom.
You did? Yeah.
I volunteered to stop seeing you, but she decided it'd be o.
K.
If you went out with me.
M-my mom decided? Yeah.
She said it would be o.
K.
Good old mom.
Oh, look, I got to run.
We'll talk later, o.
K.
? Aah! This is nicer than I expected.
It's one of hallmark's newer homes.
There are four bedrooms, each with its own bathroom, and this beautiful back yard.
Yeah.
I caught it! I caught it! Where's Amelia? Whoa ho ho! Betty She's made a lot of friends today.
I didn't know she knew how to play.
Hi, mom.
Hey, m-mom, mom, this is my new friend Wendy.
Hello, Wendy.
We're the best team.
That's great, honey.
Can I stay for dinner? They invited me.
We're going to have spaghetti.
Please.
Sure, honey.
I I know how you love spaghetti.
She's all I have, Katherine.
Every day for 35 years, I've been taking care of her.
What does a mother become when she's no longer a mother? Oh, we never stop being mothers, Betty.
The problem is, they stop being children.
How dare you presume I need permission to see anyone.
I'm 19 years old.
I can do whatever I want.
And how could you dismiss me like that, like a child, and then discuss it with Suzanne? You show me no respect.
And if I was naked with a woman, so what? If I want to ask a girl to swim naked or play miniature golf or play miniature golf naked, I will do as I choose.
"I'm an adult, damn it.
It's time you recognized that.
" I guess you're not my little doogie anymore, huh? No, mom.
When did this happen anyway?
It's a tradition in kitchens.
My new boss is coming for dinner, doogie.
You've ruined my presentation.
Look, uh, don't worry, mom.
I'm a doctor.
Here we go.
Just, uh Heh heh heh.
Good as new, though she may have a slight limp.
See you.
Wait.
Where are you going? I assumed you'd join us.
Sorry, mom.
I'm going out.
Please stay for dinner.
It's my first night off in two weeks.
I don't want to discuss patient policy over a one-legged bird.
Look I promise we won't talk shop.
She's very bright.
She's got an m.
B.
A.
From Michigan.
She speaks three languages.
She's written several articles on geriatric health care.
Doogie.
I told Suzanne you'd be here.
She's looking forward to meeting you.
Oh, I get it.
It's the old "trot the boy genius out" "to impress the guests" routine.
I don't think so.
O.
K.
, fine.
Have fun.
Who cares if it's important to me? It's not like I ask for much.
Oh, mom, stop it.
Now I feel guilty.
Wait.
That was just gas.
Never mind.
See you.
I'm Suzanne Rogers.
You must be doogie.
Why, uh, y-yes, I am.
So When do we eat? A large part of a geriatric patient's fear comes from a feeling of a loss of control.
O.
K.
, enough about work.
I'm probably boring you to tears.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
I've always been fascinated by gerontology.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you It's your birthday? Actually, it's this weekend, but they'll be away.
We could still change our plans.
No.
Turning 19 isn't exactly a milestone.
All right.
Can we still sing? Fine.
If you get out those pointy hats, though, I'm out of here.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear doogie Happy birthday to you Mrs.
h.
, your butterball's aroma always makes my knees quiver.
Thank you, Vinnie.
That's o.
K.
, Dr.
h.
I can help myself.
So, doog home yet? He's in the dining room with our company.
Company? Rowrr! You serious? Where? In a hospital in Who's the renard? The renard? Yes.
That's French for "fox," dear.
Vinnie, that's no renard.
That's my boss.
You're kidding.
So you're letting doogie schmooze her, huh? Good idea.
What? Climbing the corporate ladder on your son's back is nothing to be ashamed of.
Vinnie, they're talking.
Nothing more.
Yeah, right.
You hear that? That is no ordinary snicker.
That is the mating call of the yellow-bellied sap-sucking hormonal teenager.
There's one lovely chickadee picking up the scent.
Vincent, one more comment, I'll have you stuffed and mounted.
Hey, vin.
Suzanne, this is my friend Vinnie.
So, uh, you're Mrs.
h.
'S new boss.
You must realize Got yourself one hell of a worker here.
Very deep thinker.
Vinnie.
Oh, I realize.
We'll walk you out.
Thanks.
Good night, Vinnie.
It was very nice to meet you.
Doogie, good night.
Good night.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
You're heading for trouble.
What trouble? You cannot get involved with your mother's boss.
It's your classic lose-lose-lose proposition.
Pay attention.
He's on a wisdom roll.
Say you go out.
She falls for you.
But eventually you dump her.
She takes it out on your mother and fires her.
Lose 1, right? Say you fall for her but she dumps you.
Now she feels guilty, can't work with your mom.
Mom's on the street.
Lose 2.
Say you hit it off, get married.
She's giving orders to her mother-in-law.
That's gonna work.
Mom's toast.
Lose 3.
My prophesy's fulfilled.
Thank you, nostradamus.
Fine.
Cavort with your mother's superior, when mom is reduced to selling corn dogs at the mall, I warned you.
Mom, would you have a problem with me asking Suzanne out? On a date? Yeah.
Well, no, sweetheart, but just don't be too disappointed if she turns you down.
Why would she turn me down? Well, she is older than you, and I suspect she goes out with men Older men.
Older-than-you men.
I just wouldn't want to see you get hurt, that's all.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
She already said yes.
We're going out next weekend.
Mmm.
Do you really like them? Oh, I love them.
They ought to hang these in a museum, Amelia.
Oh, my baby.
Mom.
Mm-hmm? Are they going to leave the balloon inside your heart? Oh, no, no, honey.
Hi, Amelia.
Hi, Dr.
howser! Uh, you know, Amelia, it's time your mom got some rest.
Mr.
snyder's waiting for you.
You can come back tomorrow.
O.
K.
Goodbye, mom.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
Hi, Amelia.
Ready to go home? So, how are you feeling? So, Amelia seems to be handling this well.
I suppose she has her moments, but you don't know her like I do.
She doesn't do well without me.
The snyders are good people, but Amelia's not very comfortable away from home.
Well, you've done a remarkable job with her since Arthur died, but, uh, maybe it's time to give some thought to who will care for her when you can't anymore.
I thought you said this balloon business wasn't very risky, David.
It's not.
It's just Well, there's no reason to discuss it, then.
I'm going to be fine.
And in two days, I will be home taking care of my daughter.
Am I right? You're right.
Dinner was great, doogie.
The restaurant was o.
K.
, but we should've barbecued shish kebabs in the back yard.
Then we would've never met Victor.
Does every waiter in L.
A.
Introduce himself like that? Before we left, I knew more about him than some of my own relatives.
It's not just waiters.
It's everyone.
Total strangers will tell you their life story.
That doesn't happen in Minnesota? No.
In funkley, it's usually too cold to stop and talk.
You grew up in a town called funkley? Actually, it's very nice, but around this time of year, the moose are storing fat for the winter.
Meanwhile, your parents are sailing to Catalina for the weekend.
Funkley? Shut up.
You don't know how lucky you are.
Every year I'd watch the rose bowl parade.
It was sunny and 85 degrees.
The rose queen would wear her little sleeveless gown and her little tiara, waving to the crowd.
God, I hated her.
Outside my house, the wind chill was 5 below, and ice would form up my nostrils.
I dreamed of living in a place like this where, any time of year, you could take a swim.
That's your dream? Go for it.
I would if I had a suit.
You wouldn't let a suit get in the way of a dream? Yes, as a matter of fact.
It's funny if you think about it.
What? That Americans find it necessary to swim even partially clothed.
That's true.
The French, they're much more comfortable with their bodies.
Look at all their nude beaches.
Yeah.
St.
tropez.
Cannes.
Monte Carlo.
How about the scandinavians? Yeah.
A naked plunge into the fjord is part of their culture.
It invigorates the circulatory system.
In Japan, whole communities bathe nude together.
It's practically part of their religion.
It's just unfortunate that a country, otherwise so advanced, can be so mired in puritanical tradition.
Good point.
I won't look.
Deal.
Ohh.
I don't think I can throw up again, David.
It's o.
K.
, dear, really.
Some people just weren't meant to be sailors.
I've got to get something to settle my stomach.
We'll never be invited back on the brenners' boat.
Whoa! Whoa! Suzanne? Doogie? Dad.
Katherine.
Maybe I can throw up one more time.
Happy birthday, Douglas.
Morning.
Mom I don't want to talk about it.
I'm just too angry.
How could you do that to me? Mom I don't want to talk about it.
Yo ho, howsers.
Is this a beautiful morning or what? Oh, it's "or what.
" Now is not a good time.
I'll catch you later.
A little tiff at the howsers', and it's am-scray, Vinnie.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Look, mom I don't want to talk about it.
You said a date.
I assumed you meant a movie, miniature golf, not swimming naked in our pool.
Whoa! You two got naked? I'm gone.
I'm not here.
You never saw me.
Howser, you Adonis! Mom, we weren't Naked, o.
K.
? We were skinny-dipping.
Scandinavians consider it totally natural.
There is nothing natural about my son swimming naked with a woman.
What's really bothering you Me being naked with your boss or with a woman, period? Douglas, this conversation's over.
What conversation? Don't raise your voice at me.
Just go to your room.
You're sending me to my room? What am I, 6? Just spank me, mom.
Get it over with.
Oh, i i don't believe this.
Ahem.
What? Katherine, our arrangement with Douglas was that he wouldn't throw this kind of thing in our faces, and our faces were supposed to be in Catalina.
Nothing personal, but I can't wait to leave.
First thing I'll do is go to Nate-n-al's for a big, thick pastrami sandwich.
I'm only kidding.
Um, Betty, before you leave, I'd like to tell you about a place I've done some research on.
It's called the hallmark house.
It's a group care residence for adults like Amelia.
This was your idea, wasn't it, Dave? This is a wonderful facility near your home.
Amelia would love it.
Thank you.
I'm not interested.
Amelia belongs with me.
You've known her since she was a little girl.
Amelia would be terrified in this place.
We're only suggesting that she visit.
If she doesn't like it, you've lost nothing.
I'll take her there.
Can't you understand? I am the only person who has ever taken care of her.
She'd be lost without me.
That's exactly why you have to let her go.
It's time you think about her future.
The angioplasty gave you significant relief, but you still have coronary artery disease.
You're not going to live forever.
Amelia is going to have to learn to live independently sooner or later.
The question is, are you going to be around to help her or not? Katherine? Suzanne.
I was just looking for you.
Katherine, we need to talk.
Hi, doogie.
Look, Suzanne, I've given this a lot of thought, and I don't think we should continue to see each other.
Really? Yeah.
You see, this morning, I had a frank conversation with my mom, and I realized that this really isn't fair to her or to you.
It's o.
K.
I just spoke to your mom.
You did? Yeah.
I volunteered to stop seeing you, but she decided it'd be o.
K.
If you went out with me.
M-my mom decided? Yeah.
She said it would be o.
K.
Good old mom.
Oh, look, I got to run.
We'll talk later, o.
K.
? Aah! This is nicer than I expected.
It's one of hallmark's newer homes.
There are four bedrooms, each with its own bathroom, and this beautiful back yard.
Yeah.
I caught it! I caught it! Where's Amelia? Whoa ho ho! Betty She's made a lot of friends today.
I didn't know she knew how to play.
Hi, mom.
Hey, m-mom, mom, this is my new friend Wendy.
Hello, Wendy.
We're the best team.
That's great, honey.
Can I stay for dinner? They invited me.
We're going to have spaghetti.
Please.
Sure, honey.
I I know how you love spaghetti.
She's all I have, Katherine.
Every day for 35 years, I've been taking care of her.
What does a mother become when she's no longer a mother? Oh, we never stop being mothers, Betty.
The problem is, they stop being children.
How dare you presume I need permission to see anyone.
I'm 19 years old.
I can do whatever I want.
And how could you dismiss me like that, like a child, and then discuss it with Suzanne? You show me no respect.
And if I was naked with a woman, so what? If I want to ask a girl to swim naked or play miniature golf or play miniature golf naked, I will do as I choose.
"I'm an adult, damn it.
It's time you recognized that.
" I guess you're not my little doogie anymore, huh? No, mom.
When did this happen anyway?