Doug (1991) s04e02 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
BOY, WAS I WORRIED
WHEN MRS. WINGO CALLED ME
TO MR. BONE'S OFFICE.
SHE WANTED TO DISCUSS
BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY WHY.
WHAT IF I FAILED?
THERE HE IS, GENTLEMEN--
THE BOY WHO GOT THE LOWES
TEST GRADE EVER RECORDED.
NEGATIVE 60!
BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
Announcer:
So today, Douglas Yancey Funnie
the stupidest boy in the world
is inducted into the
Bluffington Hall of Losers
and boy, what a loser!
MOM DAD!
I'M SO EMBARRASSED!
LET'S GET OU
OF HERE.
BUT I STUDIED TOO HARD TO FAIL.
HEY, WAIT-- MAYBE SHE CALLED
ME IN BECAUSE I DID GREAT.
THERE HE IS, GENTLEMEN--
THE BOY WHO GO
THE HIGHEST GRADE EVER RECORDED!
AW.
THIS IS THE
COLLECTED WORKS
OF WILLIAM
SHAKESPEARE.
FOR ME?
WE THINK YOU CAN
MAKE SOME IMPROVEMENTS.
OH, STOP.
DOUGLAS.
ABOUT YESTERDAY'S TEST
YES, MA'AM?
PHEW!
I GOT A "B."
THE BEST THING YOU
COULD DO IS CONFESS!
CONFESS?
THAT YOU CHEATED!
CHEATED?
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
Doug:
I DIDN'T CHEAT,
MRS. WINGO-- HONEST.
BUT DOUGLAS,
YOUR TEST IS IDENTICAL
TO CHALKY STUDEBAKER'S.
WELL, MAYBE
IT'S A COINCIDENCE.
I DETERMINE THAT TO BE UNLIKELY
AFTER I COMPARED BOTH
OF YOUR PERMANENT RECORDS.
COMPARED ME AND CHALKY?
NOBODY CAN COMPARE
TO CHALKY STUDEBAKER.
"BALONEY"-- B-O-L-O-N-Y.
( kids laughing )
NO, WAIT!
S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M.
"ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM."
THANK YOU.
( clapping )
( booing )
( cheering )
SO WHY NOT MAKE IT EASY
ON YOURSELF AND JUST CONFESS?
I KNEW I DIDN'T CHEAT, BU
HOW COULD I CONVINCE THEM?
I GIVE THE GUILTY PARTY
ONE DAY TO CONFESS.
IF NO ONE DOES, YOU BOTH
MUST TAKE A RETES
THIS SATURDAY.
BUT BUT BUT
Bone:
AND THE RETEST WILL BE
MUCH MORE DIFFICUL
THAN THE FIRST TEST.
THIS WAS SERIOUS.
I HAD TO TALK TO CHALKY
ABOUT IT RIGHT AWAY.
CHALKY'S THE EDITOR
OF THE SCHOOL PAPER
SO I WENT THERE TO FIND HIM.
NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE
AN EVEN HARDER TEST.
THAT'S TERRIBLE, DOUG!
JUST BECAUSE YOUR ANSWERS
MATCH BY COINCIDENCE.
IT'S NO
COINCIDENCE.
IF NEITHER
OF THEM CHEATED
THE ODDS AGAINST HAVING
THAT MANY ANSWERS THE SAME
IS APPROXIMATELY ONE
IN 2,070,095,908
POINT TWO.
THE ONLY OTHER POSSIBILITY
IS THAT CHALKY CHEATED.
( gasping )
I CAN'T BELIEVE
CHALKY WOULD CHEAT.
NEITHER CAN I.
IS HE HERE?
MUST BE A
TRACK PRACTICE.
HE'S THE TEAM CAPTAIN.
Roger:
HEY, FUNNIE
I HEARD YOU GOT CAUGH
CHEATING OFF OF CHALKY.
WOW!
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
HAD IT IN YOU!
ROGER, I DIDN'T CHEAT.
FUNNIE, YOU ALMOS
SOUND CONVINCING.
CHALKY'S THE BEST GUY
TO CHEAT OFF OF
SO I WANT YOU
TO HELP ME CHEAT, TOO.
SEE YOU, PAL.
CHALKY!
CHALKY, WE HAVE TO TALK.
I'M SORT OF BUSY
HERE RIGHT NOW.
( gunshot )
BUT THIS IS
IMPORTANT.
HEY, YOU'RE
PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT?
YOU DIDN'T BREAK
ANYTHING, DID YOU?
NO, NOTHING BROKEN.
WHERE'D CHALKY GO?
ON HIS WAY
TO BAND PRACTICE.
HE'S THE FIRS
TRUMPET, YOU KNOW.
( band instruments tuning up )
CHALKY.
HEY, DOUG.
WE'VE GO
TO TALK ABOUT
UH, I REALLY
CAN'T TALK NOW.
( band playing "1812 Overture" )
( cannon fires )
HELP!
OH, NO, WHERE
DID HE GO NOW?
SWIM TEAM PRACTICE.
HE'S THE
I KNOW-- CAPTAIN, RIGHT?
NO-- THE WHOLE TEAM.
THERE HAD TO BE SOME WAY
TO GET CHALKY TO TALK TO ME.
( airplane droning )
DOUG, I CAN'T TALK.
I'VE GOT TO GO.
CHALKY, I'M NO
LEAVING YOUR SIDE
UNTIL THIS THING
IS SETTLED.
THERE!
OKAY, BUT THIS
IS PARACHUTE CLUB.
WAIT, LET ME GET THE KEY!
WHOA!
( screaming )
I DECIDED NOT TO TRY
ANY FANCY TRICKS TO GET CHALKY--
JUST WAIT HIM OUT.
FUNNIE, WHA
YOU DOING?
SHH-- NOTHING.
WANT TO SEE
MY BRILLIANT PLAN
FOR YOU
TO HELP ME CHEAT?
IT'S MY SECRE
CAP CODE.
ROGER,
I DON'T CHEAT.
SAY THE ANSWER IS "BOOGERTON."
WELL, YOU JUST DO B-O-O NO.
NO, THAT'S NOT "O," THAT'S "Q."
O Q
G E
WON'T MRS. WINGO NOTICE?
WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU HAVE
A TRUE CRIMINAL
MIND, FUNNIE.
NO, I DON'T.
HEY, THERE HE GOES.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL THINK
OF SOMETHING ELSE.
CHALKY, WAIT UP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SLOW DOWN.
THEN IT HIT ME:
CHALKY WAS AVOIDING ME.
HE WAS HIDING SOMETHING,
AND EVERYBODY THINKS
CHALKY STUDEBAKER
IS MR. PERFECT.
THERE GOES CHALKY.
HE'S SO PERFEC
IN EVERY WAY.
HE'S THE BEST STUDEN
THERE EVER WAS.
( laughing evilly )
I CAN'T LET HIM
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
GOOD ARM, SON.
YOU'RE GOING TO CREAM 'EM
IN SATURDAY'S GAME.
NOW, GO LONG.
OKAY, DAD, GOT IT!
OH-OH.
( gasps )
HI, MR. STUDEBAKER.
HEY, DOUG.
DAD, I HAVE
TO TALK TO DOUG
IN MY ROOM
RIGHT NOW.
LISTEN, CHALKY, YOU
OKAY, I DID IT.
I DID IT.
I COPIED YOUR TEST.
I'M SORRY.
YOU DID? YOU CHEATED?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHY?
BECAUSE I WAS
TOO BUSY TO STUDY.
LET'S GO TELL MRS. WINGO.
NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
I'M PLAYING
ON SATURDAY.
I CAN'T TAKE
A RETEST.
THEN WE'LL BOTH TAKE IT.
YOU'LL MISS THE GAME ANYWAY.
I'D BE LETTING
THE WHOLE SCHOOL DOWN
AND MY DAD WILL BE
REAL DISAPPOINTED.
BUT CHALKY, YOU'LL
ONLY GET TO PLAY
IF I CONFESS.
YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME?
WOW, WHAT A PAL!
WHAT?
WAIT, HOLD ON.
PLEASE REMEMBER
HOW I HELPED YOU
WITH THA
SCIENCE PROJEC
AND YOUR
MATH HOMEWORK
AND THE FITNESS TEST?
CHALKY HAD HELPED ME A LOT.
I GUESS I OWED IT TO HIM.
( crowd jeering )
'TIS A FAR, FAR BETTER
THING I DO NOW
THAN I HAVE EVER DONE BEFORE.
'TIS A FAR, FAR
COME ON.
HEY!
I'M READY NOW.
YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES,
DOUGLAS.
I GUESS I'D BETTER
GO HOME AND STUDY.
AH ISN'T IT GREA
HOW CHALKY'S
WILLING TO SACRIFICE
HIS FOOTBALL PRACTICE TIME
TO HELP YOU
STUDY, DOUG?
DOUG'S GOT TO GO, DAD.
CHALKY'S SO MODES
ABOUT HIS
ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
COME HERE, DOUG--
LOOK AT THIS.
Doug:
WOW!
ARE ALL THESE
CHALKY'S?
YEAH, BUT HE'S STILL
GOT A LONG WAY TO GO
TO MATCH HIS BROTHER CLIFF.
WINNING ALWAYS
COMES NATURALLY
TO US STUDEBAKERS.
I IMAGINE IT MUS
BE PRETTY INSPIRING
TO BE AROUND THIS GUY.
RIGHT, MR. PERFECT, HUH?
OF COURSE CHALKY'S PERFECT--
HE CHEATS.
( gulps )
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
IT'S TRUE, DAD.
I DID CHEAT.
I COPIED ANSWERS
FROM DOUG'S TEST.
WHAT?
I SPEND SO MUCH TIME
PRACTICING AND TRAINING
AND WINNING THESE TROPHIES
THAT I COULDN'T STUDY.
BUT DON'T YOU WAN
AS MANY TROPHIES
AS YOUR BROTHER?
THAT'S A PRETTY
BIG WALL TO FILL.
HE'S RIGHT, DAD.
HMM
WE'LL HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT HOW YOU WAN
TO HANDLE THIS, CHALKY.
SO CHALKY AND HIS DAD
AGREED TO THE RETEST
AND THE TEAM PLAYED
SATURDAY'S GAME WITHOUT HIM.
THEY'RE KILLING US,
MRS. WINGO.
ONE PLAY-- JUST ONE PLAY.
AS FOR ME, I'M GLAD I DIDN'
TAKE THE RAP FOR CHEATING
'CAUSE I DIDN'T.
HEY, FUNNIE,
I GOT IT.
YOU WEAR A MIRROR
IN YOUR HAT
ROGER, I DIDN'T CHEAT.
CHALKY DID.
STUDEBAKER?
UH-HUH.
FUNNIE, I'M REALLY
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE!
CHALKY'S EVEN BETTER.
NOBODY WILL EVER
SUSPECT HIM.
WHERE IS HE?
I WONDER WHAT SIZE
HAT HE WEARS.
HEY, CHALKY, CHALKY!
DEAR JOURNAL, DID YOU EVER FEEL
LIKE SOMEONE WAS HOLDING
YOUR HEART IN THEIR HAND?
WELL, THAT'S HOW I FELT TODAY.
IT ALL STARTED AT RECESS.
BEETS AGAIN?
MAN!
HEY, DOUG?
OH, HEY, PATTI.
CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
UM SURE, WHAT?
( giggling )
ARE YOU
DOING ANYTHING
FRIDAY NIGHT?
NO NOT YET, I MEAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE A MOVIE?
SURE WHO ELSE
IS GOING?
WELL, NOBODY YET.
I WASN'T PLANNING
TO ASK ANYBODY.
YOU WEREN'T?
DID YOU WAN
TO INVITE
SOMEONE ELSE?
WELL, NO YOU MEAN,
JUST ME AND YOU?
WELL, YEAH.
OH.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,
THAT'S OKAY.
NO, I MEAN, YES,
IT SOUNDS GREAT.
OH, GOOD.
I'LL MEET YOU BY THE UNIPLEX
FRIDAY AT 7:30.
SOUNDS GREAT.
SEE YOU.
SEE YOU.
WOW! JUST ME AND PATTI.
I WONDER IF THAT MEANS
IT'S A
A
All:
A DATE!
CONGRATULATIONS,
DOUG.
OOH, WUBBA, WUBBA.
WHAT WILL YOU
NAME THE KIDS?
WHOA, DOUG.
OKAY, STUD!
( all giggling )
DOUG AND PATTI
SITTIN' IN A TREE
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
IT'S NOT A DATE, SKEE
OR SHE WOULD HAVE
CALLED IT A DATE.
NOT NECESSARILY.
SHE MIGH
BE PLAYING
HARD-TO-GET.
Doug:
HARD-TO-GET?
WHY?
TO DRIVE YOU INSANE.
Nerd:
INSANE?
HOW WILL I KNOW
IF IT'S A DATE OR NOT?
IS SHE GOING
TO DRESS UP?
IF SO, IT'S
PROBABLY A DATE.
( kissing noises )
OH, FUNNIE,
DIDN'T SEE YOU COMING.
( all laughing )
HOW ABOUT IF SHE
ISN'T DRESSED UP?
TRY BUYING HER
A TICKET.
IF SHE LETS
YOU BUY
IT'S A DATE.
IF SHE DOESN'T?
HMM
THE HANDHOLD?
DEFINITELY.
IF SHE LETS YOU
HOLD HER HAND
IT IS DEFINITELY
A DATE.
Teacher:
IN YOUR SEATS, EVERYONE.
TODAY WE CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION
OF ANIMAL MATING RITUALS.
Girl:
NOT AGAIN!
WOW!
IF IT IS A DATE,
I'VE GOT RESEARCH TO DO.
I BET SMASH ADAMS KNOWS
WHAT TO DO ON A DATE.
OH, SMASH, I NEVER
MET A MAN LIKE YOU.
( screaming )
MAY I HAVE
THIS DANCE?
MEOW!
( grunting and meowing )
( pop music playing )
( inane giggling )
HEY!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
REAL PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS.
I WANTED TO SEE WHA
A NORMAL PERSON DID ON A DATE
BUT I HAD TO SETTLE FOR JUDY.
JUDY, YOU'VE
GOT A DATE
WITH CASSIUS
TONIGHT, RIGHT?
A DATE?
MOM AND DAD
"DATED," DOUGIE.
DATING WENT OU
WITH BELLBOTTOMS.
BUT YOU'RE WEARING
BELLBOTTOMS.
DON'T GET SMART.
YOU'RE "DOING SOMETHING"
WITH CASSIUS
TONIGHT, RIGHT?
WE'RE GOING TO A SILENT FILM
BY INGMAR BELCHNIK
AND THEN TO
A CHARMING CAFE.
( horn beeps )
THERE HE IS!
WAIT--
THERE'S SOME STUFF
I GOT TO ASK YOU.
GREETINGS,
DARLING.
YOU LOOK
VORACIOUS.
OH, CASSIUS,
GET OVER IT.
"STEP ONE-- USE GOOFY ACCENT."
Judy:
THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY
ANALEPTIC.
I THOUGHT THE
SHOT DISTRIBUTION
WAS RATHER
SELF-INDULGENT.
CASS, YOU'RE SUCH A PURIST.
"STEP TWO-- USE BIG WORDS."
HOW CAN YOU SAY
ART NEEDS NO MORAL
JUSTIFICATION
WHEN EVERYTHING
HAS POLITICAL
THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO?
I THOUGH
THE INSTIMATIC
SHOT RETRIBUTION
WAS RATHER
SELF-REGURGENT.
DOUG, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, UM
( making kissing noises )
DOUG, WHA
ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, I WAS JUST
I I
( screaming )
THIS WAS GOING TO BE A DISASTER.
Doug:
SKEET, I CAN'T DO IT.
SURE YOU CAN.
WE'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
FIRST YOU PU
YOUR HAND ON HERS.
I'LL CALL AND
TELL HER I'M SICK.
COME ON, DOUG.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF IT'S A DATE YET.
THEN WHY AM I
DOING THIS?
TO FIND OUT.
IF SHE LETS YOU HOLD
HER HAND, IT'S A DATE.
NOW, TRY IT.
MMM!
HEY, CUT IT OUT.
YECH!
THAT DOES IT.
I'M CALLING HER AND
TELLING HER IT'S OFF.
CALLING HER?
( Porkchop whining )
DOUG, ARE YOU GOING ON A DATE?
IT'S NOT A DATE.
DATING WENT OUT WITH
BELLBOTTOMS, REMEMBER?
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC!
SOON YOU'LL BE
BREAKING HEARTS.
THERE'LL BE
DESPERATE MESSAGES:
"DOUG, WHY HAVEN'
YOU CALLED?
"I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU."
JUDY, KNOCK IT OFF.
YOU'RE NOT PLANNING
ON WEARING THAT!
STAY HERE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HIYA, SLUGGER.
HEAR YOU'VE GO
A BIG DATE TONIGHT.
IT'S NOT A DATE!
YOU KNOW, SON,
THERE COMES A TIME
IN EVERY MAN'S
LIFE WHEN
DOUGLAS?
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU MIGHT LIKE
TO WEAR THIS BLAZER
ON YOUR LITTLE DATE.
WE GAVE IT TO YOU
AND YOU'VE
NEVER WORN IT.
MOTHER, LEAVE I
TO THE EXPERT.
OKAY, DOUGIE--
WE'LL STICK TO BASIC JEANS
AND BLACK LEATHER.
WE COULD GO WITH KEY-CHAIN.
NO STICK WITH
THE HANDKERCHIEF
BUT NOT ON THE LEFT.
JUDITH, DOUGLAS
WOULDN'T WEAR THA
ON HIS DATE WITH THA
CUTE LITTLE GIRL.
SHE'S THE BLONDE
ONE, RIGHT? PATSI?
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TWO
LET US HAVE
A MAN-TO-MAN
CHAT, HUH?
STOP!!
HUH?
HUH?
IT'S NOT A DATE, OKAY?
I'M WEARING MY REGULAR CLOTHES
AND I WANT EVERYBODY
TO STOP MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL
OUT OF IT.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S NOT A DATE.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
HEY, LOVER LIPS!
HOW'S THEM SMACKERS?
I'M JUST GOING
TO GO TO THE MOVIES
LIKE ANY OTHER NIGHT
GOOD EVENING,
SMOOCHMASTER DOUG.
( nerds laughing )
IT'S NOT A DATE.
IT'S NOT A DATE.
IT'S NOT A DATE.
IT'S NOT A DATE.
Patti:
HEY DOUG, HURRY
OR WE'LL MISS THE SHOW.
HEY, PATTI.
SHE'S DRESSED UP.
OKAY, IT'S A DATE.
UM TWO, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
HERE'S YOUR
ONE, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
COME ON, DOUG,
WE'LL BE LATE.
BUT BUT I
OKAY, IT'S NOT A DATE.
( coughing )
Woman:
Oh, Charles--
society will never
accept our love.
Charles:
But we cannot
let them stop us.
We must listen
to our hearts.
But we're
so different.
We come from
different worlds.
I know, Katerina.
You are from a rich,
powerful family, whereas I
I'm a giant lizard
creature from Planet Z.
But I I love you.
Oh, Charles.
Oh, Katerina.
Oh, Charles.
Oh, Katerina.
TUMMY BUNNY?
YES, PLEASE.
THE NIGHT WAS ALMOST OVER
AND I STILL HAD NO IDEA
WHAT PATTI WAS THINKING.
SHOULD WE GO DO
SOMETHING ELSE?
LIKE WHAT?
WE COULD GO
TO A CHARMING CAFE
FOR COFFEE.
OH, I HATE COFFEE.
IT TASTES LIKE CHALK.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
( laughing )
Patti:
I LIKED THE PAR
WHERE THE MONSTER SAYS
"WHAT YOU GOING
TO DO ABOUT IT?"
SO SHE SHOOTS HIM
WITH THE LASER.
( both laugh )
YEAH, OR WHEN THE GUY
GRABS HER ARM, AND SHE
OOPS.
I HAD A REALLY GOOD
TIME TONIGHT, DOUG.
YEAH.
ME, TOO.
YOU KNOW, YOUR
GRASS IS REALLY
SPRINGY.
YEAH, THEY WATER
IT A LOT.
YEAH, WATER IT
A LOT.
SO PATTI
SO DOUG?
( both giggle nervously )
LISTEN, WAS TONIGH
SUPPOSED TO BE
A WHATEVER?
I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU SAYING I
WAS A YOU KNOW?
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT WAS NECESSARILY
A WHATEVER
UNLESS YOU THINK
IT WAS A YOU KNOW.
ME, NEITHER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
EVERYBODY THOUGH
IT WAS.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
SO THAT WAS IT.
AFTER ALL THAT.
IT WASN'T A DATE.
IT WASN'T A DATE.
OR MAYBE
Roger:
PSST! HEY, FUNNIE
OH, GREAT.
HOW'D IT GO?
WHY, YOU WAN
TO RAG ME ABOUT IT?
WE WERE HOPING
YOU COULD GIVE
US SOME TIPS
ON HOW TO GE
GIRLS.
WE WANT GIRLS.
YEAH, HOW DO
YOU DO THAT?
DO YOU SPEND A LO
OF MONEY ON 'EM?
( all talking at once )