Duck Dynasty (2012) s04e02 Episode Script
So You Think You Can Date?
1 Si: Baby, if you like it You should've put a ring on it! Let's get out of here.
It was a good run.
- When the singing started, the fish dried up.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, y'all don't understand.
They're drawn to harmony.
It may take 'em a few minutes to get here, but they was on their way.
Trust me.
You wonder why fishing holes die? Si: You dropped that bomb on me, baby! That's it.
- We were doing pretty good till that singing started.
- No.
When Si opens his mouth, the fish close theirs.
- Si, you ran 'em off.
- No.
Too much singing, not enough pole jerking.
If fish were vampires, Si would be garlic, daylight and a stake through the heart simultaneously.
All right, boys.
Poker tonight-- who's in? - I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I'll play.
- Well, I'm out.
What? - What? - Say what? - What? - You're joking, right? No, I got some stuff I got to do tonight.
- Say what? - What? I got stuff to do.
There's something I have to do.
Are you gonna tell us or are you just gonna stand there? Martin.
Well, I may or may not have a date tonight.
- Oh! - ( laughing ) - Here we go.
- What's so funny? - You have a date? - I have a date.
- Is it Mother's Day? - No, it's not Mother's Day.
I've known Martin for 10 years.
And in that time he's gone on as many dates as I've gone to ballroom dance classes.
The way he's always ribbing us, he ain't got no woman.
Which is one.
Korie got one of those group coupon deals or something.
There was not a refund and we had to go.
Point is Martin doesn't go on dates.
- You've seen her in person? - Yes.
Is she a United States citizen? Did you get her on a mail order? That was my next question.
You want to know her Social Security number, too? Don't you get it? A fine chick or poker.
Duh.
All you need is love.
See? Now you got Phil singing.
If you like it, you should've put a ring on it.
( music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S04E02 So You Think You Can Date? == Jep: Martin, you never tried one of them Internet dating sites? I hear there are some pretty fine women on them things.
Why would I do that? I've got a date.
Are you talking about going to a computer to find a woman? - You got to play the game, Si.
- Play the game? I was a player before they even invented the game, Jack.
Look, when I was growing up, I dated every girl in our town.
And I didn't need no computer to do it, okay? Dated a girl from the grocery store.
I dated a girl from the gun shop, from the gas station, from the bait and tackle shop.
Well, how did you meet them, though? What do you mean how did I meet them? These were live girls that I met in everyday, today life.
Oh, wait, I didn't date the girl from the ice cream parlor because she sampled the goods too much, if you get my drift.
I cannot believe I actually pay you guys to sit back here and do this.
- This is what you do all day? - You got it, dude.
You're actually right.
We got bigger fish to fry.
I mean, Martin has a new young lady friend.
Can't we just drop this already? I've known you for 10 years.
is is the first time I've heard a woman come up.
Hey, look, I told you she was made up, okay? I make up people all the time just to get out of stuff.
Look, he's taking moves right out of the Si Robertson playbook.
When somebody'd call me and say, "Hey, look, we got a dinner.
Come do it.
" I'd tell them, "Sorry, I'm hanging out with Jep.
" But, Si, I'm not made up.
- I'm real.
- Jep's a real person, Si.
Hey, this was another Jep that I made up.
I've been using Jep to get out of stuff since before he was even born.
You had a good point until you threw in somebody you knew.
- Willie Robertson.
- Who are you talking to? We're talking to Martin about his date.
Who is that? Korie.
Why don't you just take out an ad in the newspaper? Korie, let's take an ad out in the newspaper saying Martin's got a date.
- ( laughing ) - I'll pay for it.
Full page.
No, you don't have to come up here.
Fine.
We'll see you in a little bit.
All right, bye.
- Oh, come on, man.
- I couldn't help it.
Hey, you should have just told her it was Jep.
Just talking to Jep.
What? There's a cardinal over here.
Y'all want to see him? ( girls squealing, laughing ) Girls.
Y'all want to see this woodpecker? ( squealing ) - Nope.
- No! Well, simply put, I don't make it a habit of hanging out with squealing grandkids.
- I scored.
I scored.
- I scored.
- Hey.
- I scored.
It's just something you actually try to avoid.
- ( squeals ) - Hey.
However, if the granddaughters are in the house - Play a game.
- Get off that wePod.
Okay.
the least I can do is try to get 'em a little more into wildlife.
- Y'all want to look at the woodpecker? - No.
- Blue jay? - No.
- Are y'all nuts? - No.
"But, Papaw, I'm looking at Mad Birds.
" - And I'm like - We need a big fire.
- No.
- Justin Bieber's in the yard.
- Boo! - Phil: Sad day for America.
( whistling ) Aren't they precious? Look at them.
- ( squealing ) - High score! - Kay: Just look at them.
- ( grunts ) Y'all don't hit each other.
You're precious.
Precious was not quite the word I was looking for.
- I want a snack! - Me, too! Okay, I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
Miss Kay, never reward bad-- Look it here.
Look it here what Mamaw Kay got.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Y'all are like snack-eating computer freaks.
- ( giggles ) - ( laughs ) Phil: You know what we need to do that's fun? - Let's just all go outside.
- No! Great idea.
Papaw Phil wants to take you girls outside.
- No! - No! All right, girls.
Hey, look here.
Get your grub.
Come on, follow me.
I'll make redneck girls out of y'all yet.
- I'm gonna tell y'all that.
- Girls: No! Korie: Hey, what's going on? We're trying to square Martin away in the dating game.
We've been dropping pearls of wisdom.
More like dingleberries, not pearls.
We're giving him solid advice.
All you have to do is be yourself.
- That's terrible advice.
- What? Be yourself? He can't be himself.
That's like throwing him to the wolves.
( laughing ) Hey, what are friends for, Martin? I'm glad he's got confidence in me.
Martin is such a sweet guy.
Any girl would be lucky to have him.
Okay, so what are you gonna wear? That is not what you're wearing.
But let's face it, he dresses like a seventh grader who hasn't yet discovered deodorant.
I feel a remake coming here.
- Korie: Yeah.
- Si: It's a makeover, boys.
- We're going to your house.
- I'm good.
- I think I've had enough help for-- - Martin.
Let's go.
Right now.
You better go.
- All right, boss lady.
- It'll be good.
Si: All right, Martin, I may or may not recognize you next time I see you.
- I'm gonna go with you.
- I want in on this.
Si: They're fixin' to put lipstick on a bear.
- Martin: Here you go.
- Jase: Ooh, yikes.
Martin: Hey, get off my Fortress of Solitude, man.
- What, your mom decorate it? - Jase: Exactly.
It was a team effort.
I've always wondered why Martin never invited any of us over.
There's nothing wrong with his mom helping him decorate.
Well, mystery solved.
Y'all have never been to Martin's house? - No.
- No.
Now I know why.
Willie: His decorating style is like a mix between the "Brady Bunch" Korie: Kind of like a taxidermy shop in here.
What is that? Is it a nose? and that killer from "Silence of the Lambs.
" What's up with all these socks? I got really caught up in a "Star Wars" marathon last month.
That's as far as I got.
It puts the socks in the basket or else it gets the hose.
( chuckles ) Pretty good, huh? Chair's cool.
I like this chair.
Come on, Martin.
Show us your room.
- Let's go and look at Martin's room.
- No, no, no, no.
- We got this.
- We didn't want to help anyway.
- Missy: Good.
- This is not normal.
- I love this chair.
- I think there's something wrong with his feet.
A man's house is his castle.
Maybe they're webbed.
It's either a fungus or crooked, bunions.
And Martin's castle is a bit strange.
No adult male should have this many pictures of himself.
This is his John Belushi years.
All I'm seeing is huge piles of dirty socks and embarrassing photographs.
Willie: Martin loves him some Martin, that's for sure.
It's a bit creepy and weird.
- Jase: Good grief.
- Willie: Well, he sure doesn't need to bring no girl in looking like this.
You can tell a lot about a man's condition by looking into his fridge.
Look at all this mustard.
There comes a time in every man's life Who buys a box of mustard? when he's got to put his bachelor days to rest.
- This is just disgusting.
- This whole place is disgusting.
1998? Ugh! Both: Disgusting.
Jase: In Martin's case, he needs to take those days out back and put them out of their misery - Green bacon bits.
- ( gagging ) - with a shotgun.
- What are y'all doing in here? We need to have a serious talk.
- About what? - You're hoarding mustard.
And you have an inordinate amount of socks.
- I just like socks.
What can I tell you? - Both: You think? I'm really not sure what to do here.
I want to see your feet.
'Cause to my recollection, I've never seen you barefoot.
And you're not going to.
We have entered the bowels of bachelorhood.
Who would have 1,000 pairs of socks? Who has 1,000 packets of mustard? Who hoards mustard and socks? And I haven't even seen the bathroom.
- I want to see you barefooted.
- Are they webbed? - Do you have bunions? - That's why he's never dated.
- Do you have a fungus? - Something wrong with your feet? - What's up with all the mustard? - Why you being so secretive? Because y'all just keep prying.
What's wrong with your feet? I don't like feet and I love socks.
Fair enough.
Korie: Martin, we need you to come try this on.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm tired of dealing with you two clowns.
If that woman came in here and saw that you collect mustard, she's gonna run to her vehicle.
Now, look here.
When y'all get a little older and you start to dating, I want all y'all to be able to say one thing: I can bait a hook.
Phil: Today I'm gonna make a valiant attempt to sort of bond with my granddaughters.
I have a game on my iPad where I can fish.
They're already suffering from digital dementia.
- Bait a hook.
- I'm gonna show 'em how to fish.
Ew! Look at the head wiggle.
Does that hurt the worm? No, worms are happy when you run a hook through 'em.
- It makes 'em real happy.
- He's happy to die? That probably will be an interesting endeavor.
( screams ) There's a snake, Papaw Phil! - For real, right there! - Look what she caught.
( screams ) If you touch me with that thing, this hook is not gonna be pretty where it's going.
( laughing ) Well, you know, grandkids need to know standard things-- how to bait a hook - It won't hurt you.
- how to cast the bait - Watch this.
- Ew! how to bite a little snake in half.
- I would back away.
- Basic child-rearing stuff.
- Now you try.
- No! ( laughs ) It's good for 'em.
All right, let's get your bait in the water.
Oh, the thrill of fishing with the granddaughters.
Willie: This chair is coming with me.
- Jase: I like the chair.
- This is better than my chair.
Take the chair.
It's not a free chair.
It's Martin's chair.
This is the best thing here.
What do y'all have against that chair? I don't have anything against that chair other than it's Martin's.
- I'm gonna take this chair.
- Martin: What do you think? Willie: Great, looks fine.
- Jase: Good, perfect.
- No, that's far from perfect, Martin.
Do I really care what Martin wears on this date? Nope.
- I put my own spin on it.
- No, we picked none of that.
- Go put on what we picked.
- You're 0 for 1.
But I have to admit, it's kind of nice watching the Robertson women order someone else around for a change.
( snaps fingers ) Now get back there now and go put on an option that we .
- Seriously? - Welcome to married life, Martin.
( sighs ) Good grief.
Will: Don't worry, son.
I know what you're feeling.
They'll quit after about 18 years.
So this is what you wanted? - Aw, Martin.
- Okay, now we're talking.
You look like a software salesman.
You gotta lose the hat.
I've done everything else.
Let me keep the hat.
Don't make him take his hat off.
- No hat.
- No, the hat stays.
- Don't do it.
- The hat is me.
- Off with the hat.
- I really like this chair.
- Willie.
- Have you seen this hair? You can't wear a hat on a dinner date.
Jase: Be careful what you wish for.
Willie: There you go.
That's what you got.
I'll loan you a bandana.
You may want to do-rag it.
- ( laughing ) - Jep: Whoa! Back up to the door.
Back up to the door a minute.
Now strut yourself, son.
Let's see what you got.
Hey, you know what you look like? - What? - You look like a hairy Easter egg.
Hey, this is what all the experts said.
The woming are trying to turn him into Channing Tatum.
- They what? - Meet Magic Martin.
- The woming? - The women.
No, you said woming.
I may have mispronounced it a little bit, okay? - Woming are trying to-- - He just said it again.
No, seriously, woming.
Winning.
- Winning.
- Winning.
Jep: Woming-- woming-- woming.
Si: Hey, one thing you need to do-- you got to know about etiquette.
If you're out in public, you got to use the right utensils.
Does that include slinging an open blade at her? Look, back in the Army, you had to have two things-- manners and maneuvers, and I had both of 'em.
Si, that is not gonna matter.
Hey, women care.
Trust me.
I could take the enemy out or I could take a beautiful lady out.
Either way, we're gonna paint the town red.
Si, what do you know about etiquette? I know everything about etiquette.
Hey, look, come get me in about five minutes.
I'm gonna do something for you.
Jase: I got $100 he can't spell etiquette.
( men laugh ) Phil: Y'all gotta be quiet.
You know why? 'Cause fish can hear you.
I'm already bored.
Phil: The only thing that will break the tranquility of being out in the great outdoors - ( screams ) - is when the grandkids start squealing.
- Ew, wrong.
- It's a bummer.
- ( screaming ) - I'm bored.
But once you get old enough, it just goes in one ear and out the other.
- I'm stuck.
- No effect.
- No, that's not-- - ( sneezes ) You just block it out.
- ( screams ) Stop.
- Huh? If you don't, you go nuts.
Girl: Dude, I think you got one.
Phil: Oh, she's got one, all right.
I think I got one! I think I got one! Hold your rod up.
Hold your rod up like this.
Go, Merritt! Go, go, go, go! Hold your rod up.
Hold your rod up.
Go back.
Move back.
Move back.
- She gots it! - Merritt, you caught you a big 'un there.
You got a nice one.
Well, shock of shocks, maybe there's more Robertson in these girls than I thought.
- Can we name him? - Name him? You know what I suggest? Supper.
- No! - We've got to let it go.
What are you talking about? Are you nuts? We're gonna eat this thing.
Well, maybe I spoke too hastily.
- No! We can't eat him.
- Why not? He has a brother and sister out there.
Might ought to catch a few more of his brothers and sisters while we're at it here, girls.
He's got brothers and sisters, so we can't eat him.
That's where we are in America.
We're gonna fry him.
What about that? Well, it sounds delicious to me because I love catfish.
That's what I'm trying to get you to understand, little honey.
Now you know why we go fishing.
Now that is fishing, and no cell phones required.
All right, come on, kids.
Let's go.
We done enough fishing.
Si: Hey, look, Martin.
Come on, your dream date awaits.
- Oh, my goodness.
- ( men laughing ) Si: Hello, Martin.
My name is Tiffany.
Si, you are the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
Hey, beauty is only skin-deep anyway.
What are you wearing, Si? Through the years, I've seen my Uncle Si dress up like women more than I care to mention.
I'm fixin' to tell the man how to sweep this young girl off her feet.
- By looking like that? - Well, thank you.
I think I look very nice myself.
- Which makes me wonder - What, this old thing? This is the latest in fashion for women.
where's he getting all these feather boas? So you start your deal with-- you look at her eyes and you say, "Darling, goodness, your blue eyes, they're like two lagoons on a deserted Pacific island.
" But her eyes are green.
Well, say green, then.
Y'all give me a break.
( laughing ) I've been around the block, as they say, okay? And look, I understand and know what all the ladies like.
Your eyes, they're so beautiful, I barely can't breathe.
Si: Once you got her attention with etiquette, then you gotta blow her away with words of enchantment.
Even while you're eating, don't let the conversation die.
Can I have directions to your heart? You're like a magician.
Every time you look at me, I'm under-- hypnotized.
Somebody better call God because heaven is missing an angel.
She is the Queen of Egypt.
Ouch, my tooth hurts.
That's because you're so sweet.
Women, okay, they love to be-- yo, good grief.
Darling, you're on fire like doughnut grease.
Now, let's get down to it.
All right, dinner.
You order the salads there.
What do you grab? I'm gonna grab this fork right here.
- No.
No.
- That's not a fork at all.
Put it down.
You grabbed the wrong one.
- Do what? - Etiquette, okay? It's always the outside fork.
Start outside, work your way in to eat.
- I got ya.
- So how much should he talk about himself? About himself? No.
He's got to talk about Tiffany.
Her name is Brittany, Si.
- My name is Tiffany.
- I'm taking Brittany.
Hey, look, first thing in a relationship is trust, and you done blew that.
Women are dangerous creatures.
They got raging hormones, mood swings, lipstick, hair spray.
That is her name.
Look, you're with me.
My name is Tiffany! They got all these little sticky pins in their hair.
Last thing you want to do is mention another chick's name to another woman.
Hey, you talk about dangerous.
- But her name is Brittany.
- Don't mention that, ever! ( men laughing ) One wrong move-- boom! You're gone.
Okay, hey, look, what are you gonna do after dinner? I guess I'm just gonna take her home.
Hey, look, what kind of girl do you think I am here? That's when you run.
Good luck tonight, Martin.
- You're gonna need it.
- ( men laughing ) There's two different color lines in here.
Have you ever taken grandchildren fishing? They're like rats.
This used to have three more eyes.
Look.
Maybe we should just get rid of all of them.
- The grandchildren or the fishing rods? - ( laughs ) Oh, Martini.
What about it? - Well, there he is.
- You got a story? - Did you take my advice? - I took none of y'all's advice.
- I just-- I was myself.
- Okay, I think that's what I told him to do.
- Martin, you did good.
- And now I won't be at poker next week either.
- Missy: Ooh! - Korie: There you go.
That's right.
So we gonna eat this lunch or what? Kay: Let's eat.
- Phil: All right, what about this? - Oh! The grandkids got one and I got the rest.
Willie: Oh, yeah.
All right, y'all, bow.
Father, thank You for another good day on planet Earth.
Thank You for these fish You provided for us.
Thank You for Your love, Your mercy.
It's through Him I pray.
Amen.
- All: Amen.
- Let's get on it.
Willie: In the Robertson family, we like to do things as a team, and that includes giving advice.
Whether it's good strategies for a successful date or terrible fashion tips, all that matters is that the Robertsons take care of their own.
And sometimes just knowing you've got a whole group of family and friends that love you is better than any advice you could get, even if you do have 50,000 mustard packets in your fridge.
It was a good run.
- When the singing started, the fish dried up.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, y'all don't understand.
They're drawn to harmony.
It may take 'em a few minutes to get here, but they was on their way.
Trust me.
You wonder why fishing holes die? Si: You dropped that bomb on me, baby! That's it.
- We were doing pretty good till that singing started.
- No.
When Si opens his mouth, the fish close theirs.
- Si, you ran 'em off.
- No.
Too much singing, not enough pole jerking.
If fish were vampires, Si would be garlic, daylight and a stake through the heart simultaneously.
All right, boys.
Poker tonight-- who's in? - I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I'll play.
- Well, I'm out.
What? - What? - Say what? - What? - You're joking, right? No, I got some stuff I got to do tonight.
- Say what? - What? I got stuff to do.
There's something I have to do.
Are you gonna tell us or are you just gonna stand there? Martin.
Well, I may or may not have a date tonight.
- Oh! - ( laughing ) - Here we go.
- What's so funny? - You have a date? - I have a date.
- Is it Mother's Day? - No, it's not Mother's Day.
I've known Martin for 10 years.
And in that time he's gone on as many dates as I've gone to ballroom dance classes.
The way he's always ribbing us, he ain't got no woman.
Which is one.
Korie got one of those group coupon deals or something.
There was not a refund and we had to go.
Point is Martin doesn't go on dates.
- You've seen her in person? - Yes.
Is she a United States citizen? Did you get her on a mail order? That was my next question.
You want to know her Social Security number, too? Don't you get it? A fine chick or poker.
Duh.
All you need is love.
See? Now you got Phil singing.
If you like it, you should've put a ring on it.
( music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S04E02 So You Think You Can Date? == Jep: Martin, you never tried one of them Internet dating sites? I hear there are some pretty fine women on them things.
Why would I do that? I've got a date.
Are you talking about going to a computer to find a woman? - You got to play the game, Si.
- Play the game? I was a player before they even invented the game, Jack.
Look, when I was growing up, I dated every girl in our town.
And I didn't need no computer to do it, okay? Dated a girl from the grocery store.
I dated a girl from the gun shop, from the gas station, from the bait and tackle shop.
Well, how did you meet them, though? What do you mean how did I meet them? These were live girls that I met in everyday, today life.
Oh, wait, I didn't date the girl from the ice cream parlor because she sampled the goods too much, if you get my drift.
I cannot believe I actually pay you guys to sit back here and do this.
- This is what you do all day? - You got it, dude.
You're actually right.
We got bigger fish to fry.
I mean, Martin has a new young lady friend.
Can't we just drop this already? I've known you for 10 years.
is is the first time I've heard a woman come up.
Hey, look, I told you she was made up, okay? I make up people all the time just to get out of stuff.
Look, he's taking moves right out of the Si Robertson playbook.
When somebody'd call me and say, "Hey, look, we got a dinner.
Come do it.
" I'd tell them, "Sorry, I'm hanging out with Jep.
" But, Si, I'm not made up.
- I'm real.
- Jep's a real person, Si.
Hey, this was another Jep that I made up.
I've been using Jep to get out of stuff since before he was even born.
You had a good point until you threw in somebody you knew.
- Willie Robertson.
- Who are you talking to? We're talking to Martin about his date.
Who is that? Korie.
Why don't you just take out an ad in the newspaper? Korie, let's take an ad out in the newspaper saying Martin's got a date.
- ( laughing ) - I'll pay for it.
Full page.
No, you don't have to come up here.
Fine.
We'll see you in a little bit.
All right, bye.
- Oh, come on, man.
- I couldn't help it.
Hey, you should have just told her it was Jep.
Just talking to Jep.
What? There's a cardinal over here.
Y'all want to see him? ( girls squealing, laughing ) Girls.
Y'all want to see this woodpecker? ( squealing ) - Nope.
- No! Well, simply put, I don't make it a habit of hanging out with squealing grandkids.
- I scored.
I scored.
- I scored.
- Hey.
- I scored.
It's just something you actually try to avoid.
- ( squeals ) - Hey.
However, if the granddaughters are in the house - Play a game.
- Get off that wePod.
Okay.
the least I can do is try to get 'em a little more into wildlife.
- Y'all want to look at the woodpecker? - No.
- Blue jay? - No.
- Are y'all nuts? - No.
"But, Papaw, I'm looking at Mad Birds.
" - And I'm like - We need a big fire.
- No.
- Justin Bieber's in the yard.
- Boo! - Phil: Sad day for America.
( whistling ) Aren't they precious? Look at them.
- ( squealing ) - High score! - Kay: Just look at them.
- ( grunts ) Y'all don't hit each other.
You're precious.
Precious was not quite the word I was looking for.
- I want a snack! - Me, too! Okay, I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
Miss Kay, never reward bad-- Look it here.
Look it here what Mamaw Kay got.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Y'all are like snack-eating computer freaks.
- ( giggles ) - ( laughs ) Phil: You know what we need to do that's fun? - Let's just all go outside.
- No! Great idea.
Papaw Phil wants to take you girls outside.
- No! - No! All right, girls.
Hey, look here.
Get your grub.
Come on, follow me.
I'll make redneck girls out of y'all yet.
- I'm gonna tell y'all that.
- Girls: No! Korie: Hey, what's going on? We're trying to square Martin away in the dating game.
We've been dropping pearls of wisdom.
More like dingleberries, not pearls.
We're giving him solid advice.
All you have to do is be yourself.
- That's terrible advice.
- What? Be yourself? He can't be himself.
That's like throwing him to the wolves.
( laughing ) Hey, what are friends for, Martin? I'm glad he's got confidence in me.
Martin is such a sweet guy.
Any girl would be lucky to have him.
Okay, so what are you gonna wear? That is not what you're wearing.
But let's face it, he dresses like a seventh grader who hasn't yet discovered deodorant.
I feel a remake coming here.
- Korie: Yeah.
- Si: It's a makeover, boys.
- We're going to your house.
- I'm good.
- I think I've had enough help for-- - Martin.
Let's go.
Right now.
You better go.
- All right, boss lady.
- It'll be good.
Si: All right, Martin, I may or may not recognize you next time I see you.
- I'm gonna go with you.
- I want in on this.
Si: They're fixin' to put lipstick on a bear.
- Martin: Here you go.
- Jase: Ooh, yikes.
Martin: Hey, get off my Fortress of Solitude, man.
- What, your mom decorate it? - Jase: Exactly.
It was a team effort.
I've always wondered why Martin never invited any of us over.
There's nothing wrong with his mom helping him decorate.
Well, mystery solved.
Y'all have never been to Martin's house? - No.
- No.
Now I know why.
Willie: His decorating style is like a mix between the "Brady Bunch" Korie: Kind of like a taxidermy shop in here.
What is that? Is it a nose? and that killer from "Silence of the Lambs.
" What's up with all these socks? I got really caught up in a "Star Wars" marathon last month.
That's as far as I got.
It puts the socks in the basket or else it gets the hose.
( chuckles ) Pretty good, huh? Chair's cool.
I like this chair.
Come on, Martin.
Show us your room.
- Let's go and look at Martin's room.
- No, no, no, no.
- We got this.
- We didn't want to help anyway.
- Missy: Good.
- This is not normal.
- I love this chair.
- I think there's something wrong with his feet.
A man's house is his castle.
Maybe they're webbed.
It's either a fungus or crooked, bunions.
And Martin's castle is a bit strange.
No adult male should have this many pictures of himself.
This is his John Belushi years.
All I'm seeing is huge piles of dirty socks and embarrassing photographs.
Willie: Martin loves him some Martin, that's for sure.
It's a bit creepy and weird.
- Jase: Good grief.
- Willie: Well, he sure doesn't need to bring no girl in looking like this.
You can tell a lot about a man's condition by looking into his fridge.
Look at all this mustard.
There comes a time in every man's life Who buys a box of mustard? when he's got to put his bachelor days to rest.
- This is just disgusting.
- This whole place is disgusting.
1998? Ugh! Both: Disgusting.
Jase: In Martin's case, he needs to take those days out back and put them out of their misery - Green bacon bits.
- ( gagging ) - with a shotgun.
- What are y'all doing in here? We need to have a serious talk.
- About what? - You're hoarding mustard.
And you have an inordinate amount of socks.
- I just like socks.
What can I tell you? - Both: You think? I'm really not sure what to do here.
I want to see your feet.
'Cause to my recollection, I've never seen you barefoot.
And you're not going to.
We have entered the bowels of bachelorhood.
Who would have 1,000 pairs of socks? Who has 1,000 packets of mustard? Who hoards mustard and socks? And I haven't even seen the bathroom.
- I want to see you barefooted.
- Are they webbed? - Do you have bunions? - That's why he's never dated.
- Do you have a fungus? - Something wrong with your feet? - What's up with all the mustard? - Why you being so secretive? Because y'all just keep prying.
What's wrong with your feet? I don't like feet and I love socks.
Fair enough.
Korie: Martin, we need you to come try this on.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm tired of dealing with you two clowns.
If that woman came in here and saw that you collect mustard, she's gonna run to her vehicle.
Now, look here.
When y'all get a little older and you start to dating, I want all y'all to be able to say one thing: I can bait a hook.
Phil: Today I'm gonna make a valiant attempt to sort of bond with my granddaughters.
I have a game on my iPad where I can fish.
They're already suffering from digital dementia.
- Bait a hook.
- I'm gonna show 'em how to fish.
Ew! Look at the head wiggle.
Does that hurt the worm? No, worms are happy when you run a hook through 'em.
- It makes 'em real happy.
- He's happy to die? That probably will be an interesting endeavor.
( screams ) There's a snake, Papaw Phil! - For real, right there! - Look what she caught.
( screams ) If you touch me with that thing, this hook is not gonna be pretty where it's going.
( laughing ) Well, you know, grandkids need to know standard things-- how to bait a hook - It won't hurt you.
- how to cast the bait - Watch this.
- Ew! how to bite a little snake in half.
- I would back away.
- Basic child-rearing stuff.
- Now you try.
- No! ( laughs ) It's good for 'em.
All right, let's get your bait in the water.
Oh, the thrill of fishing with the granddaughters.
Willie: This chair is coming with me.
- Jase: I like the chair.
- This is better than my chair.
Take the chair.
It's not a free chair.
It's Martin's chair.
This is the best thing here.
What do y'all have against that chair? I don't have anything against that chair other than it's Martin's.
- I'm gonna take this chair.
- Martin: What do you think? Willie: Great, looks fine.
- Jase: Good, perfect.
- No, that's far from perfect, Martin.
Do I really care what Martin wears on this date? Nope.
- I put my own spin on it.
- No, we picked none of that.
- Go put on what we picked.
- You're 0 for 1.
But I have to admit, it's kind of nice watching the Robertson women order someone else around for a change.
( snaps fingers ) Now get back there now and go put on an option that we .
- Seriously? - Welcome to married life, Martin.
( sighs ) Good grief.
Will: Don't worry, son.
I know what you're feeling.
They'll quit after about 18 years.
So this is what you wanted? - Aw, Martin.
- Okay, now we're talking.
You look like a software salesman.
You gotta lose the hat.
I've done everything else.
Let me keep the hat.
Don't make him take his hat off.
- No hat.
- No, the hat stays.
- Don't do it.
- The hat is me.
- Off with the hat.
- I really like this chair.
- Willie.
- Have you seen this hair? You can't wear a hat on a dinner date.
Jase: Be careful what you wish for.
Willie: There you go.
That's what you got.
I'll loan you a bandana.
You may want to do-rag it.
- ( laughing ) - Jep: Whoa! Back up to the door.
Back up to the door a minute.
Now strut yourself, son.
Let's see what you got.
Hey, you know what you look like? - What? - You look like a hairy Easter egg.
Hey, this is what all the experts said.
The woming are trying to turn him into Channing Tatum.
- They what? - Meet Magic Martin.
- The woming? - The women.
No, you said woming.
I may have mispronounced it a little bit, okay? - Woming are trying to-- - He just said it again.
No, seriously, woming.
Winning.
- Winning.
- Winning.
Jep: Woming-- woming-- woming.
Si: Hey, one thing you need to do-- you got to know about etiquette.
If you're out in public, you got to use the right utensils.
Does that include slinging an open blade at her? Look, back in the Army, you had to have two things-- manners and maneuvers, and I had both of 'em.
Si, that is not gonna matter.
Hey, women care.
Trust me.
I could take the enemy out or I could take a beautiful lady out.
Either way, we're gonna paint the town red.
Si, what do you know about etiquette? I know everything about etiquette.
Hey, look, come get me in about five minutes.
I'm gonna do something for you.
Jase: I got $100 he can't spell etiquette.
( men laugh ) Phil: Y'all gotta be quiet.
You know why? 'Cause fish can hear you.
I'm already bored.
Phil: The only thing that will break the tranquility of being out in the great outdoors - ( screams ) - is when the grandkids start squealing.
- Ew, wrong.
- It's a bummer.
- ( screaming ) - I'm bored.
But once you get old enough, it just goes in one ear and out the other.
- I'm stuck.
- No effect.
- No, that's not-- - ( sneezes ) You just block it out.
- ( screams ) Stop.
- Huh? If you don't, you go nuts.
Girl: Dude, I think you got one.
Phil: Oh, she's got one, all right.
I think I got one! I think I got one! Hold your rod up.
Hold your rod up like this.
Go, Merritt! Go, go, go, go! Hold your rod up.
Hold your rod up.
Go back.
Move back.
Move back.
- She gots it! - Merritt, you caught you a big 'un there.
You got a nice one.
Well, shock of shocks, maybe there's more Robertson in these girls than I thought.
- Can we name him? - Name him? You know what I suggest? Supper.
- No! - We've got to let it go.
What are you talking about? Are you nuts? We're gonna eat this thing.
Well, maybe I spoke too hastily.
- No! We can't eat him.
- Why not? He has a brother and sister out there.
Might ought to catch a few more of his brothers and sisters while we're at it here, girls.
He's got brothers and sisters, so we can't eat him.
That's where we are in America.
We're gonna fry him.
What about that? Well, it sounds delicious to me because I love catfish.
That's what I'm trying to get you to understand, little honey.
Now you know why we go fishing.
Now that is fishing, and no cell phones required.
All right, come on, kids.
Let's go.
We done enough fishing.
Si: Hey, look, Martin.
Come on, your dream date awaits.
- Oh, my goodness.
- ( men laughing ) Si: Hello, Martin.
My name is Tiffany.
Si, you are the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
Hey, beauty is only skin-deep anyway.
What are you wearing, Si? Through the years, I've seen my Uncle Si dress up like women more than I care to mention.
I'm fixin' to tell the man how to sweep this young girl off her feet.
- By looking like that? - Well, thank you.
I think I look very nice myself.
- Which makes me wonder - What, this old thing? This is the latest in fashion for women.
where's he getting all these feather boas? So you start your deal with-- you look at her eyes and you say, "Darling, goodness, your blue eyes, they're like two lagoons on a deserted Pacific island.
" But her eyes are green.
Well, say green, then.
Y'all give me a break.
( laughing ) I've been around the block, as they say, okay? And look, I understand and know what all the ladies like.
Your eyes, they're so beautiful, I barely can't breathe.
Si: Once you got her attention with etiquette, then you gotta blow her away with words of enchantment.
Even while you're eating, don't let the conversation die.
Can I have directions to your heart? You're like a magician.
Every time you look at me, I'm under-- hypnotized.
Somebody better call God because heaven is missing an angel.
She is the Queen of Egypt.
Ouch, my tooth hurts.
That's because you're so sweet.
Women, okay, they love to be-- yo, good grief.
Darling, you're on fire like doughnut grease.
Now, let's get down to it.
All right, dinner.
You order the salads there.
What do you grab? I'm gonna grab this fork right here.
- No.
No.
- That's not a fork at all.
Put it down.
You grabbed the wrong one.
- Do what? - Etiquette, okay? It's always the outside fork.
Start outside, work your way in to eat.
- I got ya.
- So how much should he talk about himself? About himself? No.
He's got to talk about Tiffany.
Her name is Brittany, Si.
- My name is Tiffany.
- I'm taking Brittany.
Hey, look, first thing in a relationship is trust, and you done blew that.
Women are dangerous creatures.
They got raging hormones, mood swings, lipstick, hair spray.
That is her name.
Look, you're with me.
My name is Tiffany! They got all these little sticky pins in their hair.
Last thing you want to do is mention another chick's name to another woman.
Hey, you talk about dangerous.
- But her name is Brittany.
- Don't mention that, ever! ( men laughing ) One wrong move-- boom! You're gone.
Okay, hey, look, what are you gonna do after dinner? I guess I'm just gonna take her home.
Hey, look, what kind of girl do you think I am here? That's when you run.
Good luck tonight, Martin.
- You're gonna need it.
- ( men laughing ) There's two different color lines in here.
Have you ever taken grandchildren fishing? They're like rats.
This used to have three more eyes.
Look.
Maybe we should just get rid of all of them.
- The grandchildren or the fishing rods? - ( laughs ) Oh, Martini.
What about it? - Well, there he is.
- You got a story? - Did you take my advice? - I took none of y'all's advice.
- I just-- I was myself.
- Okay, I think that's what I told him to do.
- Martin, you did good.
- And now I won't be at poker next week either.
- Missy: Ooh! - Korie: There you go.
That's right.
So we gonna eat this lunch or what? Kay: Let's eat.
- Phil: All right, what about this? - Oh! The grandkids got one and I got the rest.
Willie: Oh, yeah.
All right, y'all, bow.
Father, thank You for another good day on planet Earth.
Thank You for these fish You provided for us.
Thank You for Your love, Your mercy.
It's through Him I pray.
Amen.
- All: Amen.
- Let's get on it.
Willie: In the Robertson family, we like to do things as a team, and that includes giving advice.
Whether it's good strategies for a successful date or terrible fashion tips, all that matters is that the Robertsons take care of their own.
And sometimes just knowing you've got a whole group of family and friends that love you is better than any advice you could get, even if you do have 50,000 mustard packets in your fridge.