Empty Nest (1988) s04e02 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on If I didn't care more than words can say if I didn't care would I feel this way if this isn't love ooh! Oh, Harry, I just love dancing to the ink spots.
Oh, well, me, I, I just love dancing with someone who knows who the ink spots are.
Not to mention John Garfield.
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows who he is.
Not Barbara.
She thinks John Garfield is Garfield the cat's father.
Ah, mm.
Oh, Jackie, I wish you didn't have to go.
Are you asking me to stay? Yes.
I don't know.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it wouldn't be right.
I've never had anyone stay over before.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't stay.
Yeah, right, right.
Um, of course, the girls, if they go to Disney world for the weekend No, I'm just, I would end up feeling bad about it.
But then, I would also feel kind of good about it.
Ha, ha, yeah.
Uh, no, no, no, no, that's enough.
Forget it, forget it, forget it.
Guilt conquers all.
I thought that was love.
Not in this house.
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
Makes no sense.
I do want you to stay.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, oh, remember that French guy in an American in Paris? I'll build a stairway to paradise With a new step every day Is that paradise? Could be.
- Watch it! - Watch it, yourself! We could've had a freebie weekend on the police association; But, no, we had to fly back.
Well, I'm sorry, Barbara, but I couldn't wait to get away from your police friends.
- Why, what's wrong with them? - Well, for starters, somebody snapped my bra on Mr.
toad's wild ride.
That was me! I don't know what they're doing home.
I'm sorry.
I hate all this sneaking around.
I feel like I'm dating a married man.
You've got to go, all right.
- Okay.
- I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll I'll call you tomorrow, all right? Mwah, bye.
Hey, but, but, but, but Wait a minute.
Who are you talking to, daddy? Hey, I, I thought you guys were in Disney world.
Uh, duh, what are you doing home? You don't want to know.
What is that? Oh, that? Well, uh, Charley dropped it off.
He picked it up on one of his trips.
- He gave you a shawl? - Psh, yeah.
No, got it for you.
What about me? Well, well, it, well, it's really for the both of you.
But you have to give it back because it's a It's a, it's a, it's a sample.
And then, uh, he'll get you the real one, which is just as nice.
Who was at the door, daddy? Oh, okay, it was Jackie leaving.
This late? Where were you when we came in? Was she going to stay over? Oh, pfft, whoo, no! Carol, come on! I know better than that.
I mean, I, I, I know the rules.
I made the rules.
Coming over's okay.
Staying over's not.
It's one of our strongest rules.
Okay, the shawl was a lie.
It was a definite lie.
I did, I, actually, I asked her to stay over.
God, it's like my parents just got home.
She was going to stay over in mom's bedroom? Carol, look, I, I, I know how you feel.
I mean, it was mom's bedroom.
It's been four years.
Daddy, you don't have to answer to us.
He wants to answer.
Let him answer.
Carol, it's not easy to talk to you when you're like this.
I wish you would just have a more open mind, dear.
I mean, this wasn't just anybody here.
This was, it was Jackie.
She's special to me.
- She is? - Yeah.
Oh, boy, I've been seeing a lot of her So to speak.
You know, I thought it'd be nice if you guys could meet her and, you know, kind of, you know, get to know her.
Why? So you can find something wrong with her that maybe I missed.
Carol, come on.
I didn't commit the crime of the century.
You don't have to explain, daddy.
This is your house, and you can do whatever you want.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am rather exhausted.
Barbara, does this bother you, too? No, not as much as Carol.
Of course, I haven't had as much therapy as Carol.
All right, kids, knock it off! Come on, you're next, Timmy.
Hi, Timmy.
Don't you think you're a little old to still be seein' Dr.
Weston? Laverne, I've got to see Dr.
Weston.
My ulcer's acting up again.
You just can't come here anymore.
You already broke a humpty dumpty scale.
But, Laverne, I feel comfortable with Dr.
Weston.
And now, with my divorce, I can't handle any more change.
Please let me see him.
All right, I'll get your file.
- Hi, daddy.
- Oh, Carol, honey.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
You left so early this morning.
I wanted to talk to you about last night.
I know.
I wasn't being fair to you.
I mean, how could I ask you to defend something that didn't even happen.
Oh, oh, why not? You do it all the time.
Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to meet Jackie, so why don't we have her over for dinner? Ah, that's wonderful! Oh, you're going to like her, baby.
I know you're going to like her.
I'm really sorry for the way I acted, daddy.
I mean, I know that you're a normal man with normal desires, but you're still my father, and I have trouble picturing you with a woman.
But I've talked to Dr.
Grossman, and I feel confident that I've resolved those feelings.
Oh, honey, I understand.
You know, years ago, I walked in on my mother and father, and they were being intimate.
Oh, my god, grandpa and Nana! - Oh! - Easy, baby.
No, no, come on, easy now.
Here come on, here.
There we go.
Here we go, here we go.
And so I was faced with quite a dilemma.
I had reached a crossroads.
You see, chicken marengo usually calls for white mushrooms, but something inside me kept saying, "shiitake, shiitake, shiitake.
" What was I to do? You know, I don't know.
Pass the asparagus, please.
Finally, I just went with my feelings, and I used the shiitake mushrooms.
I mean, god knows if I did the right thing.
What a woman.
You sure did the right thing, by me.
This chicken is to die for, but what I really can't get over is your jell-o mold.
Uh, I didn't make the jell-o mold.
No, that was me.
The recipe called for pineapple rings, but something inside me kept saying "canned peaches", canned peaches, canned peaches.
" All right.
Barbara, thank you very much.
Listen, both you girls did a terrific job.
And, Carol, I like the chicken.
The chicken is so, so, so spicy and good.
It was good, too.
You know, Carol, I read this dynamite chicken recipe in the national enquirer.
You read the national enquirer? Carol, everyone reads at the checkout stand.
- I buy it.
- And some people buy it.
Used to be I couldn't eat like this, you know, when I was a hoofer.
You were a hooker? Hoofer dear, hoof, hoof, dancer.
Jackie used to be a dancer in las Vegas.
Yeah, Harvey kaplas mojave showcase, ten shows a day.
We give you meat on the plate and on the stage.
I think I'll get dessert now.
I hope you like strawberry shortcake.
That was my stage name! I don't believe this.
Day's serious about her? I like her.
If she makes him happy, that's all that matters.
Oh, please! How can daddy say he has magic with someone like that? Because magic is spelled s-e-x.
They can't keep their hands off each other.
I don't want to hear any more about it.
The sooner this is over, the better.
You're just jealous, 'cause daddy's getting more than you are.
Did you hear the way she lives? She lives with ten cats.
Well, that's sick! What about us? We live with our father.
Daddy, you go to bed.
We'll do the dishes.
Oh, excuse me.
What is my chicken marengo doing in there? Well, you know, it was, it was, uh, it was so good, I wanted to share it with dreyfuss.
Oh, all right.
Here, dreyfuss, there.
So, uh, what did you guys think of Jackie? I think she's terrific, daddy.
Well, she's certainly different than anyone you've ever gone out with.
Yeah, I know.
I've never had a relationship with anyone like her.
And she's very sexy.
Well, that's not what I meant.
And what a figure! Yes, I suppose.
Legs, and body, and arms, and I'm used to that, dear.
I'm a doctor.
Daddy, you're blushing.
She is striking, in her way.
But to be honest And am not being judgmental She's nowhere near your intellectual equal.
Carol, she happens to be very bright.
It's the national enquirer, isn't it? No, it is not just that.
She reads Sidney Sheldon.
- I read Sidney Sheldon.
- And Mickey spillane.
He spends half his time talking to a dog.
I mean, daddy is no mental giant, Carol.
Barbara, I can handle this.
And, daddy, she runs a dance hall.
I mean, weird, pockmarked men coming at all hours of the night, paying her a dollar a dance.
Carol, it's a dance studio.
She teaches ballroom dancing.
What's wrong with that? Wait a minute.
I don't have to defend her against this kind of snobbery.
All I know is that there's a spark.
There's magic when I'm with her.
Is that good enough, Carol? Hey, big party tonight, huh? Not now, Charley.
This is a bad time.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like problemas en la familia.
I just got back from Costa Rica.
Talk about a bad time I was dating this real sicko, muy malo.
I'm sorry, daddy.
But I still don't get what you see in Jackie.
You talking about his babe, the one I saw leaving.
She's not a babe.
I know what he sees in her Wang, wang.
Wang, wang? You think that's what I see in her? That's what I see in her.
Charley, she has She has more virtue than anyone you've ever hey, Harry, I've seen her virtues.
Come in, Albuquerque.
Get out.
What? Charley, get out of my house, stay out of my house, and don't come back.
- You're kidding, right? - Charley, get out, or I'm going to throw you out.
How dare he say that to me.
Oh, don't pay any attention to Charley.
I'm not just out for sex.
That's not the kind of person I am.
I wasn't like that in high school.
I wasn't like that in college.
I wasn't like that with your mother.
Boy, daddy's really upset.
Sure is.
What do you think? I think it's love Or wang, wang.
- Here's your coffee.
- About time.
Ugh, it's cold, and it's too sweet.
All right, that's it! Now, you come in here this mornin' as ornery as a cow standin' on its own tit.
Really? That ornery, huh? I'm sorry, Laverne.
It has nothing to do with you.
Last night was not one of my favorite evenings.
It was the chicken marengo, wasn't it? No, that didn't hit me till this morning.
I got into this big thing with Carol.
Carol doesn't think that Jackie's good enough for me.
And then Charley Charley comes in and says the only thing I'm interested in her is Never mind.
Is this the never mind I think it is? Never mind.
Dr.
Weston, we're both adults.
We are medical professionals, for god sakes.
So why don't we just call never mind by its rightful name Pooky-wooky.
Ah, all right, pooky-wooky.
I don't get it Everyone is so obsessed with sex and good looks and great bodies! Hey, hey, don't you go a-knockin' great bodies, now.
That's what first attracted me to Nick.
He's got one of those washboard stomachs.
You could scrub your socks on that boy's belly.
Remind me not to give you my laundry.
From what I've seen around here of you and Jackie, you've just got yourself a healthy case of trouser trouble.
- What? - Hot pants.
I don't know what you're complainin' about.
So far, they ain't hanged anybody for it, except maybe in Georgia.
Laverne, sex is not the most important thing in my relationship with Jackie.
I'm not that kind of person.
If you say so.
Look, I don't care what anybody thinks.
I know how I feel about Jackie and what she means to me.
Oh, you're serious about her, aren't you? Yeah, I am I'm kind of serious.
How serious? Well, you know, very serious.
I've been thinking a lot lately about something, about I've been thinking about asking her to marry me.
Marriage? There goes the pooky-wooky.
Well, I love the kitchen.
I think I'm going to take it.
Carol, isn't this a little premature? I mean, daddy's just talking about it.
They're not married yet.
You mean it doesn't bother you that daddy might marry her? I mean, what are you going to call her? Are you going to call her m m Well, I can't call her that.
Then just call her Jackie.
Oh, god, it sounds like a cocktail waitress.
Happy mother's day, Jackie.
I'll have a scotch and soda, please.
Oh, Barbara, look, a walk-in closet.
This is great.
Come in here.
Come on, sit.
Now, what does this remind you of? Let me take a wild guess A closet! No! Not a closet, mom's closet.
Don't you remember when we were little, and we used to sit on the floor and look at all her beautiful clothes and play dress-up? You remember that big, floppy hat with the feathers on it? Yeah, and I used to put her shoes on my hands and pretend they were puppets.
"Hello, Mr.
shoe! How are you today?" And remember when the puppy chewed up her blue silk dress, and he had to spend a rainy night in the doghouse? Yeah, and you stayed with him, because you felt so sorry for him.
Yeah.
And then you got sick, and mom put you in bed and gave you hot cocoa, and daddy read to you, and you got all the attention again.
Yeah.
Those were the days.
Those still are the days.
Carol, don't do this apartment thing.
I mean, it's not going to be the same at home without you.
I'll miss you.
Really? Really.
Don't go, Carol.
Stay with us.
Oh, you and your stupid puppets.
They always did make me cry.
I slide, and I glide.
I'm sorry.
My feet are all over you.
It's not your feet I'm worried about.
Okay, good.
And slide and glide.
Slide and glide.
Am I gliding? Not yet.
You're still groping, I think.
Ha ha.
All right, now, and slide and Oh, uh, Mr.
sobel, do you mind joining the class for a bit? Maria will take over.
I thought you were going to wait for me in the office? I couldn't wait anymore.
I'm going nuts in there.
Oh, Harry, sit down.
I'm having a hard time with this.
I mean, I'm still in shock.
Are you sure you want to marry me? Yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.
Jackie, dear, when you meet someone you just love being with all the time, and you have this kind of chemistry with that someone so often, it seems only natural to take the next step.
Why? Because that's the way I was brought up.
It's the right thing to do.
There's nothing wrong with two adults enjoying each other's company and having a wonderful sex life.
I think you're feeling guilty.
Guilty.
What are you talking about? I mean, I'm a I'm a grown man.
I-I-I've I've been around.
Me, guilty? Why would I feel guilty? Because I'm me, that's why I feel guilty.
Only thing you're guilty of is making me feel terrific.
Our song.
You're not upset, are you? If I didn't care well I'm I'm sorry Jackie.
I need time to think about us.
More than words can say okay, I've thought about us.
He's not gliding! That's not gliding! Harry, I know you're upset, but you got to listen to me.
Please don't shut me out.
This is driving me crazy.
I bet I didn't get more than ten hours sleep last night.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for being so Crude And insensitive And I hope you can find it in your Heart to forgive me.
Charley, that's really very nice, but I overreacted the other night, and I'm the one who owes you an apology.
Don't worry about it.
You're right, Barbara.
This crap really works.
Daddy - I got to talk to you.
- No, me first.
Sit down, please.
Now, I realize that in every family, there are crossroads, watershed events, flash points of danger.
Is this going to be one of those shiitake-mushroom stories? Please, let me finish.
I want you to be happy with Jackie, daddy, and that's why I've decided to move out.
Now, I've thought a lot about this, and I have had the most incredible insight.
I can be selfish.
All that therapy for that? I'm glad you're going to marry Jackie, daddy.
From the moment I saw that blank look in your eyes, I knew that she was right for you.
Well, maybe she is, but, uh, she doesn't want to marry me.
What? Why not? She turned you down? What, you're not good enough for her? You're a doctor.
She's a tap dancer, for god's sake.
Carol, will you relax, please? I mean, maybe someday Jackie and I will get together, but for right now, we're just going to enjoy each other and have fun.
- And you can live with that? - Yes, he can.
I'm not sure he knows how he feels.
What, am I speaking Canadian here? I know how I feel, and I don't feel guilty about having a good time anymore.
Well, daddy, I suppose if you can change, so can I.
And I really think I've found a way to work through my feelings and be okay with all of this.
- It's grandpa and Nana! - Oh, my god! All right, now.