F is For Family (2015) s04e02 Episode Script

1
[humming]
Oh, yeah. That's pure lye.
All right, let's get it over with.
-[bell rings]
-[indistinct chatter]
You think you little bastards
are better than me? Well, you're not!
Most of your parents will get divorced!
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
Back in session ♪
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
We're doing our lessons ♪
Did you miss Papa?
[children] You know what?
You know what? You know what?
Because school's back ♪
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
Back for autumn ♪
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
School's back ♪
Homework is awesome ♪
Aw, what the-- Gum?!
Whoever the fuck threw this is gonna--
Oh, no.
[laughs] Miss me, cum catcher?
Aw, shit!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[man on TV] Hey, children!
It's Chipsy White from the ABS hit comedy
There's a Fairy on my Shoulder.
I'm here to give you the skinny
on ABS's out-of-sight fall
Saturday morning lineup.
Starting at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow, we've got
57 all-new cartoons coming at you,
like The Sleepy Ramirez Mysteries,
Hubert the Friendly Cigarette!,
Fat Albert "Who the Deaf Girl Is?"
and Watts Worlds Travelers
in Outer Space!
Let's split! These spooky space
sea monsters don't play space fair.
Space feets don't space fail me now!
You can't dribble on Saturn's rings.
They're ice particles.
And dogs can't talk.
It's a fucking cartoon!
Kids, finish
your Hamburger Assistant Apprentice.
We're leaving for back-to-school night
as soon as your father gets home.
-Yay!
-[groans]
I've got to go to school twice in one day?
Ben and Ken don't even have to go once.
Ben and Ken eat pigeons.
-Now get ready. We're all going.
-[groans]
He's just afraid
Bridget Fitzsimmons might be there.
I thought that girl went
to Catholic school.
They kicked her out because
she choked a nun with her rosary beads.
[vehicle approaching]
Well, um you're going with your father
tonight, so stay close to him.
-Not Dad.
-[groans]
He's been so grouchy
ever since Grandpa came around
and started buying us ice cream every day.
Goddamn son of a bitch.
He better steer clear of me tonight,
or he'll be snacking
on a knuckle sandwich.
He'll have to smoke that pipe
through his fucking ass.
-Your dad's not here.
-Jesus Christ, Goomer!
You trying to give me a fucking stroke?
Wait, wait, wait.
What do you mean he's not here?
I think he's off on a sales trip.
He's gone? Are you sure?
Well, he packed his brown suitcase
with five pair of Jockey shorts.
You could be looking at ten days there
because I noticed he doubles up
on the weekends.
Goom, I love you.
Don't be a creep, Frank.
[vocalizing]
Heya, Vic! You moving out?
[chuckles] No, man, I wouldn't leave
Frank and his little beans.
I'm turning dirty 30, so I'm throwing
myself a surprise birthday party tonight.
Hope you don't mind.
-We may be getting a little loud.
-Why should I mind?
The only thing that could ruin my mood
is gone for the next ten days.
Hey, it's the little fella
who fucked on my car!
How old are you now?
Forty-three.
Sammy Chang and the Ching-Chong Gang
starring Paul Winchell.
William Murphy! What was your
croquet mallet doing on the front lawn?
I forgot to bring it in. Sorry, Dad.
Ah, that's okay, son.
It was just the birthday gift
that you had to have,
and I drove to six different stores
to find it.
-Fuck it! My time is your time!
-[door closes]
Hello, my love. Muah.
How was work?
Worst fucking day of my life. Let's eat!
Frank, there's no time for dinner.
We have to get to back-to-school night
to meet the kids' teachers.
I hope you didn't forget.
I most certainly did, but that's okay.
Well, they scheduled both schools
for tonight.
I thought you'd take Bill and Maureen,
and I'd take Kevin.
Oh, perfect.
Kevin has zero respect for me.
[whispering] It's not only that.
I just heard about a special program
that could put him on the college track.
There's one spot left,
and I'm gonna talk to the principal
tonight about getting Kevin in it.
Whatever you can do
to make sure Kevin and his rotten kids
aren't farting up my couch
when he's 40, I'm all for it.
What do you care?
You'll be dead by then anyway.
And I look forward to that.
Let's hit the road!
[vocalizing]
It's good that he's happy, right?
I'll sit up front so I can grab the wheel
if he tries to drive us into a tree.
Honey, if we get you in this program,
you can really turn things around.
And when you're successful,
you'll look back and say,
"Thanks, Mom, this was the night
when everything changed for me."
Boy, that was a lot of reading.
Another page? This book is stupid!
[sighs]
I'm excited for you to meet Mr. Konicki,
the computer teacher.
The pony-tailed lesbian
who kicked you off the parade float?
Ah, I can't wait.
I was maybe gonna sign up
for the hockey team.
Think you can take me to tryouts
this time?
Door-to-door service, my little buddy.
You know, it's great
you're playing hockey again, Bill.
It'll take your mind off that
cute little girl who almost killed you.
You know what I'm going through?
Well, I'm your father, aren't I?
You know what? Forget Bridget.
She'll be upstate with a distended belly
by next summer.
You really think so?
But I mean it was only a rash,
and I think that
See, honey?
If you really apply yourself,
someday you can be in this case like Mom.
Oh, there's Principal Morgan. Give me
a couple of minutes to sing your praises,
then you come in, be a superstar,
and that last slot in the program
is yours.
Oh, man.
What's wrong, honey?
How come you didn't get
to keep your own trophy?
I got a copy!
Jesus Christ, focus on your future!
Okay, I will!
Just seemed odd to me.
[Sue] Focus!
Hey, Kev, why so sad?
My mom wants me to excel. It sucks!
I've got a way to make your mind excel.
'Shrooms, to unlock the phantasmagorical
wisdom of the ancients.
I picked them in that pet cemetery
where all the hobos shit.
[indistinct chatter]
Kid, you want to be on the hockey team?
Asians are natural skaters.
Your shirt says "cooch."
I think it says, "Don't question
my father, you little fuck-turd!"
Okay, okay, okay!
But, uh, hypothetically,
if I wanted to spell "coach,"
how would I how would I do it?
Okay, write this down:
C-O
I knew it. What's the next letter?
If my Philly tells you he has to go
to the boys' room, you believe him.
Even if he just went.
Mother! I'm good at holding it in now.
That's not healthy.
The naughty juice backs up into the brain.
Go talk to your little friends.
I'm gonna go read the paper
on a kid-sized toilet.
What's shaking, dick flick?
Ow!
Just ride it out, Bill!
You can't confront crazy.
You just have to let it fade away.
Ah, he is a lost cause.
Oh, hi, Frank.
Ginny Throater!
What's burning your short hairs tonight?
Well, I'm happy because I get my favorite
little man, Connor, all to myself.
Greg's at the high school
with the problem son.
[whispering] He has issues
with his father,
because he does filthy things with men.
In the patootie.
With his pungus.
You're a lucky man, Ginny.
Let go of me, Amy!
[both grunting]
Ah, broads.
-Leave me alone!
-You started it!
Hey, it's the Honeybee Scout
who can't handle the truth about war.
You gave me nightmares!
I give lots of kids nightmares.
[gasps]
[blows raspberry]
I'm sorry she was mean to you, honey.
Hey, if it makes you feel better,
we can pour sand in her mom's gas tank.
I'm not done here.
I'm trying to sign up with Mrs. Breckman.
Mrs. Breckman? You still teach here?
Oh, that's wonderful.
Francis Murphy! I should've guessed
Maureen was yours.
Dad, Amy wrote mean things about me
on the sign-up sheet for the play.
Play?
Ah, princess, you don't want
to be in any play.
I'm surprised
to hear you say that, Francis.
I directed you in your play. Remember?
Oh, yeah.
I haven't thought of that in years.
Victory garden
Victory garden ♪
Beat the Krauts ♪
Beat the Japs ♪
My dad's here!
He closed the store and came.
And he even let my mom out of the house.
Hello, everyone, I'm Mr. Carrot!
Holy Christ, he's a carrot!
I'm so glad I gave up
a half day's profit for this!
[all laughing]
You should've heard
how your father laughed.
Oh, I heard it. Loud and clear.
He was so proud of you.
-What did you say?
-[bell rings]
Ooh, I have to meet the parents
of my kindergartners.
Oh, you have a wonderful father.
Just like his father before him.
[rock music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Uppers, downers, sunnies, moonies,
airplane glue?
[chuckles]
Ol' Vic's keeping it light tonight.
Just give me some decaf
and three eight-balls.
I don't want to miss anything.
Slick Vic with the giant dick!
Howlin' Hank with the crooked crank!
You were the best dude
at that radio station, man.
Did you know that, after they fired me,
you're the only reason
I didn't go down there with an Uzi
and shoot everybody in the face?
I had a feeling.
Well, I brought a special birthday gift
to make all that pain go away.
Hey, hey, I'll bump to that!
[snorts]
It's Mr. Rosenthal from the station!
[snorts]
Mr. Rosenthal, did you come here
to fire me from my house?
Quite the contrary. I realized I made
a mistake in letting you go.
The Kwock needs you,
and I want to bring you back.
Oh, man, you mean it?
Is my prostate the size of a basketball?
That's a little joke about my impending,
serious medical procedure.
Happy birthday, Vic.
And welcome back, my rock cohort.
[Vic] It's a contract!
And a condom.
I know you're a fan of fornication.
Hey, back door, front door,
as long as I get in the kitchen, baby.
I'll see you at the station
a week from Monday.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to tell my son that I ran over his cat.
Hey, hey! Vic just got his job back!
I have purpose! I have meaning!
I have a hollowed-out TV filled
with cocaine and barbiturates!
[all cheer]
-Skeeball, toad me!
-Yeah!
[all cheer]
Mrs. Murphy, thank you
for volunteering to help me
with my back-to-school pep talk tonight.
And for hoisting my lifeless legs
up the stairs and onto the stage.
It's my honor, you poor, poor man.
Oh, please, I don't want pity.
I knew what I was doing when I backflipped
off that balcony at the draft board
to prove I was too crazy
to serve in the Army.
But it worked.
Now, stairs are my Vietnam.
Let's mold some young minds.
Of course, and I'd like to speak to you
about my son, Kevin.
He'll be here in a minute too.
He is the perfect candidate
to fill that last slot in--
I'd be honored to help you as well.
And I wonder if I could talk to you
about getting Greg Jr.
into that Dim Lights program.
Oh, fuck me.
He's had a rough year, but we're
getting through it together, right, pal?
"If a man lies with a man as with a woman,
they shall surely be put to death."
Leviticus 20:13.
[chuckles nervously]
Teens.
Why won't my mom get off my back?
My dad's all over me too.
He says a 1550 SA
might as well be a zero.
"Stanford's for quitters." [groans]
My mom might lose her foot. [swallows]
My mom's been hormonal
ever since she got pregnant again.
[chuckles] She still fucks your dad.
No, she doesn't!
-Bone, flip, bone.
-[laughs]
Holy shit, she does!
Oh, my God,
I need more 'shrooms right now.
Take it easy, Kev.
I don't feel so good. Oh, man. [groans]
It's probably the hobo shit.
In a few years, one of these machines
will cost as little as $12,000
and will be in every white home
in America.
[Mrs. Vanderheim] I have a concern!
My Quincy needs to sit
in the front of the classroom,
and it's not fair you put him in the back
because his name is late in the alphabet.
Mrs. Vanderheim, perhaps we
can discuss this another time?
No, we're doing this now.
I work my jaw off
at the night library,
so it wasn't easy to get time away,
especially because the J. Geils Band
is in town,
and they love to read.
I hate Amy.
Dad, why does she have to be so mean?
He was proud of me?
The fuck was she talking about?
The carrot, like the war bond,
is the stee-cone--
Keystone of, uh
Take 23!
[all laughing]
If we could drop a bomb this big
on the Japs, the war would be over!
[all laughing]
Goddamn motherfucker carrot costume.
Daddy, are you okay?
He's fine, honey.
Give this doctor a call
before the syphilis turns your brain
into pancake batter.
[Sue] Come on.
[Greg] Come on, come on.
Here we go. [grunts]
Careful. Lift with my legs,
not with my back.
Well, some of us
aren't pulling our weight.
And some of us are eight months pregnant.
Now, now, we all have our faults.
[both grunting]
There. [sighs] Thank goodness
I have dancer's legs.
Now, can I tell you about how Greg Jr.--?
Did you know Kevin is
a passionate advocate for pool safety?
Watching all that exertion
has made me thirsty.
I'd love an orange drink.
[both] I'll get it!
Eat my dust, Sue!
-[grunts]
-Ah!
My pungus!
[chuckles] Colder.
Warmer. [chuckles]
[overlapping chatter]
Fuck this Babe Ruth shit. It's the '70s!
-[cocks gun]
-[all scream]
Too hot! Too hot!
[doorbell rings]
Don't run away, Skeeball.
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Huckerfucker!
Your party is a little noisy.
Would you mind--?
Put your keys in the bowl. [chuckles]
-You're fucking some stranger tonight.
-[sighs] Oh.
[Vic] I said put them in the bowl!
[distorted music playing]
Don't freak out. Deep breaths.
[Nuber] Oh, shit, Kevin Murphy?
-Nuber? Is that really you?
-Fuck yeah!
Are you going here now?
Fuck no! I dropped out.
Got my own place and a sweet job.
You should drop out too.
We'll be work buddies.
-Is there an opening?
-Fuck maybe!
Oh, man, that'd be so--
What the hell you doing?
Get your narrow ass back to work!
Man, can't even enjoy half a joint
without you wandering off.
-Sorry, boss.
-I ain't your boss. I'm your master,
you fish-eyed-banjo-boy-
from-Deliverance-looking motherfucker!
Yes, sir, I do appear inbred, sir.
Hey, you Frank Murphy's kid.
You better not be storing no Necco Wafers
in your cheeks!
I'm rough on Larry
'cause I see his potential.
You give your dad my best.
We got to go fill the tampon machine
over at the slaughterhouse.
Them ladies all
on the same cycle over there.
Hop to it, you drippy-dick,
Bugs-Bunny-looking freak!
Yes, sir, Mr. Greenwood.
I'm so ugly, you're right.
[moaning]
By the end of the year, each of your boys
will have built a beautiful napkin holder.
So don't go out buying napkin holders.
[groans] Fucking Bridget.
Dad, can we go home?
Dad?
That old broad didn't see the walk home.
[big band music playing]
Wonderful play.
Well, good night, Mrs. Breckman.
I got to plant my vegetable here
back in the garden.
There's that delightful Bill Murphy humor.
Night now.
Congratulations, son,
you did a great job tonight.
Oh, uh thanks.
That's if your mission was to embarrass me
in front of the whole fucking town!
You just dipped my name
in an ocean of shit!
[whimpers]
[mock cries] You're gonna cry now,
are you, you little baby?
William, take it easy on him.
Shut up, Nora!
You are the reason he's soft.
[sobs]
That's it, you're walking home now.
There's no room in DeSotos for sissies!
-I'll make a man out of you yet!
-[horn honks]
Anybody want a daughter?
I thought I had a son!
Dad. Dad, are you all right?
Mind your business. I'm fine!
-Goddamn him!
-[door slams]
Fuck you!
In kindergarten, we learn our ABC's,
but also our p's and q's.
You don't know what the fuck
you're talking about, lady.
-[all gasp]
-Mr. Murphy said the "fuck" word.
[children] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
You didn't see when my dad called me
a sissy and made me walk home!
Dad, stop yelling at her!
You're embarrassing me!
Grown-ups are talking, sweetheart.
He said I looked like Red Skelton's dick!
You're nothing like your father!
I take that as a huge compliment!
[distorted music playing]
Stay calm.
The walls are supposed to be melting.
-Kevin, what's wrong with you?
-Mom?
I told you to come talk to the principal
with me about your future,
and instead you did mushrooms
from the place where the hobos shit?
[sobbing] Oh, I'm so disappointed in you.
Nice job, Kevin.
Takes a real jagoff to make a trophy cry.
You're a fucking loser.
Counter argument,
you're a huge fucking loser!
You guys are supposed
to disagree with each other!
[both] Not on this topic!
I'm so sorry, Mom.
I'll do better, I swear.
[man] I've heard
that empty promise before.
Huey Long? You're a real person?
You are a disgrace to the school
they named after me.
You're an ignoramus,
a bumbling liquor thief,
and you deserved to jizz your pants
at Haircut Girl's house.
You saw that?
Huey Long sees everything!
You, sir, are a dildo.
-No!
-[all chanting] Kevin dildo!
[rhythmic clapping]
-Kevin dildo!
-[rhythmic clapping]
-Kevin dildo!
-No!
[rhythmic clapping]
[vomits]
Oh, that feels better.
[sighs]
[girl] Nice Shire of Frodo stickers.
I love those guys.
Yeah, they're all right.
The first ten albums were pretty good.
You're Kevin Murphy, right?
I'm Alice Goldman.
I was in PE class with you
in seventh grade.
Oh, yeah. Mr. Versocki was so weird.
Remember when he sat on his nutsack,
and we got the rest
of the marking period off?
[laughs] Yeah.
So you're a Frodo fan?
Yes! They're so smart and literary
with their references
to Tolkien and C.S. Lewis.
I just finished Fellowship of the Ring.
Frodo's in a book?
You've never read it?
Oh, I don't read much.
All that brainiac stuff isn't for me.
I take the dumb classes with the kids
that look like they're 25.
You don't seem dumb to me.
Wait till you get to know me.
[laughs]
You know, a great sense of humor
is a sign of intelligence.
[scoffs] You sound like my mom.
Is she paying you to say this?
No. [chuckles]
I'm just giving you a compliment. God!
Oh. Huh.
Feels weird.
[stammers] I mean, thanks.
Well, I'll see you around, Kevin.
Tell me how you like the book.
Ah, I hope there's lots of pictures.
I know you're happy you got your job back,
but do you think maybe you want
to take it down a notch?
I'm thinking I'll take it down
this whole banister.
-[chuckles]
-[all cheering]
If I'm not dead by the seventh stair,
I'm getting a new dealer. [chuckles]
[all cheering]
[man] You are a god!
Ah.
That's going straight to the bag.
[clears throat] Well, it's speech time!
Greg, cross my legs for me, would you?
Of course.
More casual.
If I could just have a minute to tell you
that there's no dimmer light than my son.
Back off, Greg! I know Kevin
missed 60 days last year,
and he's not here now
like I said he would be,
and he got his foot caught
in a soda machine.
But there is potential in him
to be an extraor--
I hate to interrupt your groveling,
but I have to make my speech.
Greg, your son gets the last spot
in the Dim Lights.
We did it, son!
You're going to hell, Dad.
And you're going to college!
But what about Kevin?
He'll be fine.
Society needs people to deliver the mail,
drive trucks, die in wars.
But what about his future?
Let's be honest, we both know Kevin.
He's never shown
any interest in his future.
But this is his last chance
to make something of himself.
Otherwise, his whole life will pass
in the blink of an eye,
and he won't have done anything
except pack lunches and make babies!
Mrs. Murphy, we're not talking
about your son anymore, are we?
Now let's start inspiring.
Students of Huey Long High,
as we start the school year,
I see in each of you a bright future,
filled with limitless promise.
Don't let anyone say you can't do
exactly what you want to do.
That's what the doctors
have told me for years,
that I'd never have the use
of my legs again
and I'd never accomplish anything.
Well, when detractors tell you
your dream is impossible,
tell them what I am telling you now.
Nothing
[grunts]
is [grunts]
impossible!
[crowd gasping]
Oh, fuck.
-[clamoring]
-[gasps]
Oh, God.
[Morgan] I can't feel my arms!
You promised you were gonna be
a better dad this year,
but you're doing the same old stuff.
Oh, I am not!
I came to the goddamn stupid thing,
didn't I?
My dad never showed up
to parent-teacher night.
I wish he took us tonight.
What did you just say to me?
I said I wish Grandpa Bill took us.
At least he's nice to us.
A lot more than you.
[Menard]
It's time to find some volunteers.
First, we need a caring, selfless parent
to help Mrs. Breckman
with our fourth-grade play.
I'll show you who's a good father.
I'll do it. I'll help with the play.
-Really, Dad?
-Damn right.
I love the theater!
I love the shit out of it!
Much appreciated, Mr. Murphy.
Next we need a parent to help
Coach Fitzsimmons with the hockey team.
I'll do that also.
-Dad, don't.
-This isn't about you, Bill.
I'll help you, coach.
I know we've had our problems,
but I care about the kids.
-Even your little fucker here.
-Aw.
Welcome aboard. "Assistant coach."
Read it, kids. This here is what
a caring father looks like.
Mom, I'm sorry I messed up my chance
to be a Dim Lighter.
But don't worry 'cause I'm gonna try
harder to pull my grades up this year.
I want to unlock my potential.
Oh, well, that's good to hear.
Glad I finally made an impression on you.
Oh, no, it wasn't you. This girl gave me
a book, and I think I might read it.
Oh.
Starts off great.
"Copyright one-nine-five-four."
I'm hooked.
Yeah, it's good. I read it in college.
That's right, you went to college.
I always forget that because,
you know, you're just like a mom.
[groans]
You really should've finished college.
But I get it though.
You couldn't wait to have kids.
Bolo said his mom might lose her foot.
She went to the movies in just her socks
and stepped on a petrified hot dog.
[laughs]
I kind of talked to Huey Long tonight.
Did you hear Principal Morgan
fell off the stage?
[instrumental music playing]
[whirring]
[gunshot]
[Long] Huey Long sees everything!