Footballers' Wives (2002) s04e02 Episode Script

Look, I'm a big fan, Harley, so anything I can do Some girl you were partying with last night claims she's been sexually assaulted.
That's rape where I come from.
He's Tanya all over, isn't he? Whereas I reckon little Pundarik here is his dad in a nutshell.
That's 'cause Conrad is his dad.
I doubt even Tanya here knows who this one's father is.
You know, you really are a piece of work.
Little Frank Junior is looking far too pasty, don't you think? EasyJet, por favor.
Reservations.
(Janette screaming) Say goodbye to your brother, Troy.
Come on.
I never wanted this for you.
(Troy crying) - I think he's done a poo.
- God, I did the last one.
What I'd give to be changing Ricky's nappy.
I mean, if Amber wants to, maybe it'd help.
Don't be stupid.
We need another nanny.
Fine.
Fine.
Go ahead and bring her back.
Don't mind me.
She only killed my baby, didn't she? It wasn't Janette's fault, Amber, and you bloody know it.
I don't believe you, Conrad.
Today of all days.
Yeah, give her a break for Christ's sake.
I sacked the woman, didn't I? What more do you want? I want you to stop blaming me, okay? It was an accident.
That's what the inquest said and that's what it was.
You don't treat a shitty dog like a new-born baby.
I should've stepped in when she put him in Ricky's nursery.
Yeah, you should have, and I should have said something but I didn't.
Makes us all guilty.
I reckon she'd have me put Janette down rather than that bloody dog.
- Anything but accept responsibility.
- I'll change him.
There we go, darling.
You pull yourself together, yeah, and try and find some forgiveness.
SHANNON: It's perfect.
I love it.
- It really completes our new home.
- Yeah, it's wicked.
Here, how about we take a photo of Roger and Jackie at the wedding and get it blown up for them? I dunno, it's a bit personal, isn't it? I wish we could just send them a gift and skip the do anyway.
Why? You're not, like, worried about me showing you up, are you? I've changed, Har.
I promised you that when we got back together.
I know, babe.
It's not you, it's I'm just sick of the lot of them, to be honest.
I mean, you see the lads day in, day out at training then you got all the socials to do and all.
Yeah, it's called making it.
I'm dead proud of you.
Don't you ever miss being normal, though? We are normal.
Okay, we've had our problems but it's new beginnings now, and we're gonna turn up at that party and show them what a fantastic couple we are.
I'll never let you down again, Harley.
You watch.
From now on, I'm gonna be the perfect footballer's wife.
Just be my wife.
That's all I ever wanted.
Well, you got what you wanted, haven't you? Conrad, the new house - your precious little baby.
- Oh, don't start, Amber.
It's my bloody life you've got, Tanya.
Well done.
But if you think I'm moving out you can think again.
'Cause I'm not gonna be sitting in some shitty little rented flat while you play mummies and daddies.
Nobody's talking about you moving out.
Not yet.
Just try it, Tanya, and I'll let the whole world know what shallow, blood sucking bastards you really are.
It's a choice, Noah.
Don't buy into the myth.
I am happy and at peace to be an ex-gay.
The hit that I got from acting out was an illusion.
As Christians, we have faith and we believe in morality, or we wouldn't be here, right? (All agreeing) Trust in God.
Don't believe the hype that homosexuality is who you are.
But what if you felt this way, like, gay all your life? When you fully understand what's behind the illusion, my friend, it takes away all the excitement.
Like all buzzes, when the high is over, all you're left with is a low.
My wife and my daughter.
They are my love and my hope.
I'm a happy man.
When I read that you were looking for a new nanny, I called the agency right away.
I'm a massive Sparks fan.
I mean, massive.
So is my dad, so is my brother.
So you'd leave your current family in the lurch after five years - 'cause you're a Sparks fan? - Absolutely.
Oh, no.
I mean Well, you've got to enjoy your work, haven't you? And, I mean, you could totally rely on me unless Harley Lawson decided to have kiddies.
Miss Rigby, pleased to meet you.
You've come very highly recommended.
Now, as you know, we've got a six-week-old baby boy I'm sorry, I need to stop you there.
There's no point.
I told them, I've always told them.
I mean, it should be on my resume.
I cannot tolerate smoking.
And I can start today.
But I'm sure you'd like me to meet little Troy first, see how we get on.
Actually, Nicole, I'm afraid we're looking for someone a bit older.
See, like old friends, aren't we, chicken? Actually, Garth, I'm afraid we're looking for someone a bit older.
Impressive CV.
And I see you've worked in Europe as well the States.
Yes, so I speak a bit of French and Spanish if that's any help.
And I assume you know about our situation.
It's been a very difficult time.
- I'm sure you need somebody you can trust.
- Yeah, we do.
You'd have to sign a confidentiality agreement, I'm afraid.
- CONRAD: Okay, bye.
- I've had to do one before so no worries.
Hi, darling.
Sorry, I'm late.
Conrad, this is Katie Jones.
She's perfect.
Right, you can have the Jeep, it's got the baby seat in anyway, and to be honest, I prefer the Audi.
I used to breastfeed Ricky.
Breast is best.
Mind you, it'd be more like feeding him raw sewage.
Amber, this is Katie, our new nanny.
May I say how very sorry I am for your loss and anything I can do for you now that I'm here, please just ask.
Can you bring my baby back to life? Okay, Amber, why don't we leave Katie and Troy to get acquainted for a few minutes? - You like football? - No.
No, I mean, I don't really know very much about it.
You will when the lads come round.
Conversation tends to revolve round one thing.
- Not wearing that, are you? - Eh? What's wrong with it? You look like a gypo, sweetheart.
Make an effort, eh? - It's my own design.
- Uh-huh.
- You used to like the way I dressed.
- Yeah.
You're not 19 no more.
This is my job, Lucy.
I don't want them thinking I'm some has-been.
So if I got a job, I could wear what I like? You'll have a job.
Hosting on the opening night of the club by my side.
And I'll tell you something for nothing, you'll have to scrub up a bit better than that.
Right, I'll go and get changed, then.
Look like a clone of all the rest of them.
You bloody wish.
We did the do two weeks ago but, well, it ain't official until your friends and colleagues have had a chance to raise a glass and wish you well, so cheers.
ALL: Cheers! This woman slipped through my fingers But I've learned a lot since then.
There ain't another woman around - who knows as much about the world of football - I beg your pardon.
Yeah, but you ain't my type, love.
No, seriously.
Jackie's always understood the pressures we got, and embraced them.
Raising a world class player as her son, who rang this morning, by the way, and wishes us well.
- So cheers, Kyle.
- Kyle.
And supporting me through all the headaches with you nightmares.
Anyone mentions Spain and they get a red card.
(All booing) And to top it all, she still manages to look a million dollars.
She's the girl of my dreams.
And nothing could make me prouder than to stand here today and call her my wife.
- Go on, Jacks! - Jackie.
ALL: Jackie! Jackie! Don't! Don't! Stop! I'm blushing now.
And by the way, that's not what he said when I burnt his sausages this morning.
But seriously, after all that, there's only one thing I want to say about Roger Webb I love him.
(Crowd cheering) You're a good girl.
Daddy's girl.
I'm telling you, she is a bloody godsend.
At least I don't have to worry about Conrad taking a fancy.
And what about Amber? She still hanging around like an old man's undies? Oh, got to be clever, H.
The way I'm playing it, Conrad will be packing her bags with one hand and polishing my halo with another.
I've got a plan.
I suppose I could send Angelica to my mum's.
It's just Bruno doesn't like her around alcohol.
Oh, quite right.
No, no, I'll sort it here.
Yeah, but you've got Paddy to think of.
Anyway, you'll hardly finish clearing up this lot.
Well, we could ask Tanya, but who knows how Amber's gonna be feeling.
What's this? Just planning a soiree for Hazel's birthday, just a few of us.
You included, of course.
- Why don't we just book a restaurant? - We can have it round Harley and mine's.
It's all brand-new and I am dying to show it off.
No offence, love, but I think the thing's gonna be a bit more classy than pizza and alcopops.
- I can cook.
- Of course you can, babe.
No, I didn't mean she To be fair, me and Shan have had some cracking parties.
Well, I just think it's unfair to put you under pressure at your age.
- You're new to entertaining.
- Maybe she's right, Shan.
It's a bloody slog, trust me.
Don't be daft, it'd be my pleasure.
I insist.
(People chattering) I tell you what, who's up for a bit of lap dancing on Saturday? Stringfellows? - Not me, mate.
Bit of a bad time.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry, mate.
Count me in.
What? - Harley, you in? - Yes! Come on.
No, you're all right, mate.
Not really my scene.
Oh, you can come over all high and mighty, Lawson, but females in every species do mating dances for the males.
Always have done.
It's about meeting a need.
What? The need to spank your chimp.
(Laughing) BRUNO: No, actually.
The need for the lady to see she's attractive.
- BRUNO: Nature, innit? - Too, right.
And especially if she's waving her dip dabs in your face.
BRUNO: Have a dip dab! No.
Oh, no! - You all right, love? - Who's that? - Katie? - All right, don't crowd her.
Here.
She's our nanny.
I'll get the car.
Give the poor girl some dignity, will you? She's only fainted.
Go back to your gambling.
- Morning.
How you feeling today? - Oh, fine, honestly.
I'm really embarrassed about what happened yesterday.
It was just the heat, I think.
Don't worry about it.
Just glad you're feeling better.
Sorry.
You're just not the image I had of a footballer, you know, like, covered in tattoos and what not.
- I've got one just not where you'd expect it.
- Oh.
- I'm going for a swim.
- Sounds good.
Join you in a minute.
Why don't you bring Troy down? Get his feet wet as well.
He'd love it.
Actually, Katie, I've got some dry cleaning I need you to pick up, if you're feeling up to it, and Troy could use the fresh air.
You are feeling up to it, aren't you? 'Cause if you're not well, maybe I should phone the agency.
Oh, no, no.
Really, I'm fine.
- Good girl.
- Thanks.
Hey, of course, you're depressed.
You're living a double life that conflicts with everything you hold true in your heart.
We have a more honest relationship than many ever-straights because sex isn't the primary motivator.
- But you and Mrs Mortimer - Sarah.
Well, Bethany's adopted, right? - Yeah, obviously.
- Sorry, it's just confusing.
Of course it is, at the moment.
(Mobile ringing) Oh, sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this.
Hello.
Yeah, speaking.
- So, what do you do? - I help with the church and I cook on the retreats.
You should come to one.
You get to spend unlimited time in a Christian environment - nurturing normal relationships with other men.
- I can't just up and leave.
Still, you two could go out some time.
Catch a film or something.
Mum.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Tim? - It was the bank.
They've refused the loan on the building.
That's the problem with non-profit organisations, you're at the mercy of the cynics.
Can't ask our disciples to give us another donation so soon after the last.
We'll have to find somewhere else to do our good work.
Still, that's not your problem, Noah.
Maybe I can help.
I'd be happy to give a donation.
No, no, that is not necessary.
- I'm sure the Lord will provide.
- Yeah, I know.
But I'm not exactly poor, and you guys are helping me.
I wanna give something back.
So, on your second sniff, get your nose in there and breathe.
Okay, tell me what you smell.
- Wine? - Yes, but break it down.
What are you really smelling? Well alcohol? I can smell fruit.
Sweet berries.
Remember how the last one was very oaky, this is completely different.
Can you smell the barrel? No, you can't.
That's what I'm saying.
Shut your eyes and really use your imagination.
Okay.
Berries, yes and perhaps a bit of sawdust taking the edge off the sweetness.
Now, taste.
Really roll it around your tongue and slurp like this.
Yeah, I can actually taste the sawdust.
The end of a summer afternoon in the country.
Right.
Let's put the Pinot Noir aside and move onto the more buxom Cabernet Sauvignon.
Yeah.
Sound.
As soon as Amber's okay, I'm finding her somewhere else to live.
Yeah, but that's the problem, isn't it? She's not okay.
I don't want to worry you but - Oh, no, forget it.
- What? Okay.
I wasn't gonna say anything but there's something about the way she looks at Troy, something in her eye.
I think she's getting obsessed and not in a good way.
I'm not saying she was gonna do anything, and God knows she's been through the mill, but I couldn't bear it if anything happened to Troy.
- Do you know what I mean? - Maybe I should have a word with her.
No.
She'd only deny it and you'll hurt her feelings.
God, I feel guilty enough even mentioning it.
I just think she needs something else to focus on.
Maybe I'll take her out tonight for a girl-to-girl chat.
- See if I can't bring her out of herself.
- Good idea.
- Give her something else to think about.
- Yeah.
Maybe I will go for quick drink with the lads, then.
Okay.
(Smoke detector beeping) SHANNON: Shit! Shit! Shit! - What happened? - I can't do it, Har.
I've never made anything more complicated than Rice Krispie cakes in me life.
Don't even ask.
En Papillote.
Apparently, we shove a load of fish and veg in a bag.
It's supposed to be easy and impressive.
Oh, Shan, come here.
I'm not kidding, Har.
I reckon I could manage a lamb chop or a steak but half of them don't eat bloody meat.
And something's telling me fish fingers won't do.
Forget about it, then.
We'll say the oven packed in.
Let someone else deal with the hassle.
There's still plenty of time.
No way! I'm gonna wipe those patronising smiles off their faces if it kills me.
All right.
Come on, you look like you could do with steak and chips.
(Shower running) Sorry.
I Your towels.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Show me again.
- Right.
If I'm here when the ball's played Kicked, then I'm offside.
It's not allowed.
Got it.
So as long as I can explain it, 'cause, you know, some of them women don't have the first idea.
You'll make yourself ill if you carry on like this.
Just think of it as having some mates round.
Look, Har, I'm your wife.
- And I'm as good, if not better, than any of them.
- You don't need to prove that to me.
- Mr and Mrs Harley Lawson.
- Cheers.
Listen, it's really nice to have you here.
I'm a massive fan.
Great.
Oh, sorry.
I mean, yeah, totally.
It's just you look a lot smaller in the flesh.
I didn't - Lovely place you've got.
- Thanks.
Listen, you enjoy yourselves.
- Have a great season.
I'll be checking you out.
- Nice one.
- Harley, offer him tickets.
- He don't need tickets.
That's Antony Worrall whatsit.
He's got a box.
Offer him something for Christ's sake 'cause I am having a brainwave here.
Tanya! Tanya! Tanya! This way.
- Did you tell them we'd be here? - No, of course not.
It's all a PR stunt to you, isn't it? "Tanya Turner lends a helping hand to the poor, pathetic cow she shafted.
" Why not show people that bygones can be bygones? And we're bigger than the bitches they paint us as.
At the end of the day, Amber, we're both women and women need to stick together.
What are you playing at, Tanya? What's all this "just the two of us" bullshit about? Oh, God.
There's just no being nice, is there? Okay, in Amber-speak.
We're even.
It's quits.
I'm sick of the aggro and I want us to be friends.
Look, Ricky dying changed everything.
I'm gutted for you.
Of course you are.
Oh, don't insult me.
Jesus.
You're the one who had a paternity test done on my baby.
My baby.
How would you feel if I did that to you? Now, I'm not looking for an apology because I know you weren't yourself.
But, please, can we put the knives away now? How can I trust you, Tanya? You've been hounding me ever since you set sights on my husband.
No, Amber.
You faked your own kidnap, you put acid on my face.
And you planted drugs in my bag.
I wasn't lying about Troy, was I? Like everything else, it was all in your head.
Think about it.
I've been so lonely, Tanya.
Of course you have, darling.
You know what I mean about Lawson, though.
Everything's a flaming issue.
He's riding the wave.
I'm sure we were the same.
Yeah, when he's got a few more caps under his belt - maybe he'll calm down, eh? - I hope not, he's bloody quick.
We need him.
It doesn't pay to get lazy.
No matter how long in the tooth you are.
I'm off.
Said I wouldn't be late.
- You're going? - Yeah.
See you, lads.
Yeah, see you.
Noah.
So, you two coming down to my place when we open? You gonna have birds like this pulling the pints? Don't be daft.
It's a private members club.
Fine dining, classy bar.
Different market, innit? Place for the rich and famous to let their hair down.
- So when's this place gonna be ready? - I'm just sorting out the publicity.
Few technical hitches with the building insurance.
A couple of weeks.
Yeah, cool.
I've lost everything.
Conrad, Ricky Janette, my Krishna.
- Oh, come on, love.
The dog had to go.
- It wasn't his fault, Tanya.
He didn't know what he was doing.
And the truth is, so help me, the truth is, all I wanna do is cuddle up to him and dry my tears on his fur.
Conrad Conrad just doesn't understand.
Be honest, love, aren't you getting sick of the way he's acting? Don't you wanna move on? I knew it.
I knew there was another agenda.
Well, forget it.
Conrad might treat me like shit but he ain't gonna just let you kick me - Amber, that is so not what I'm saying.
- I know.
I know, Tanya, you think I'm a sad bitch but I'm not ready to be on my own.
I didn't ask for any of this.
If I'm honest, I want you to stay.
You're so good with babies.
Look at me and Troy.
Now I love him, of course I do, but you're a natural.
For two pins, I'd bin the nanny and hire you full-time.
Look, you don't have to worry about me wanting you out.
I'm not saying I'm gonna start breastfeeding at this stage but if you just give me a few tips on how to look the part and I'll be happy, yeah? Just don't show me up, okay? (Groaning) (Echoing) That's not what you said an hour ago.
You can't go until you've met the skipper.
ROGER: Nice footwork, Lawson.
Well played.
Milligan, you know, you could learn a lesson here.
Maybe your mind's on that new nightclub of yours.
Well, I'm here to tell you, it's this club pays your wages.
Although that situation could easily be rectified, and Gates I don't give a shit what your contract says.
If you're late for me one more time, I'll give that skipper's armband to my flipping goldfish, you got that? Sorry, Boss, M25 was chocker.
- Have you got that? - Yes, Boss.
Yes, boss.
Very good.
All right, hit the showers, lads, and have a good long hard think about that tragedy that you call a training session.
Lawson's good, but he can't carry the lot of you when you come up against Chelsea.
Maybe Jackie's burning sausages again, eh? (Laughing) Lawson, you got a problem with me, just say it.
'Cause you been getting on my tits ever since Spain.
- Have I? Is that just your guilty conscience? - What are you trying to say, you little prick? You're the one doing the talking.
Something you wanna tell me? No.
Look, a lot of shit went down out there, for all of us.
You've been giving me attitude ever since.
So cool it, all right? You know what? I think I'll skip me shower.
So the girls are going to Harley's on Friday, how about you lot come to me? A few lemonades, watch the match, yeah? - All right.
- Maybe we should get some strippers in.
- Pay back time.
- Eh? Didn't Lucy tell you? When we were in Spain, they got a load of male totty in.
You know what girls are like when they're in a crowd.
Animals.
Katie? (Whistling) Get off me! It is you.
I knew it was.
- Are you serious? - I don't know I wanted I thought it was Conrad.
- That raped you? - Yes.
That raped me.
I thought I was gonna die.
I knew something really bad had happened when I saw you.
That right? And what did you do about it? So all this, getting the nanny job and everything, - that was just to get back at Conrad? - I didn't know it was him, but then I saw the tattoo.
Oh, man.
Everyone got them done, out last year at Malaga.
So, hold on.
You thought you'd just walk into a room full of athletes and chop Conrad's wanger off, cool as owt? - I wanted him to hurt.
- You wanna go down for murder? - Jesus! - No! I just wanted him to admit it.
I just wanted an apology.
- Now I don't even know it was him.
- CONRAD: Katie.
I'll cover for you.
No more of this shit, okay? CONRAD: Katie, where are you? How do I know it wasn't you? - Oh, don't.
I was mortified.
- You're not the only one.
I thought Bruno Milligan was gonna have a heart attack.
If you'd lost your keys, why didn't you just phone Amber? She did.
No answer.
And you were out enjoying yourself and I had to do the bottles before you came back.
And I knew where the training ground was and so I thought I just didn't reckon what a maze it was going to be inside.
So much for security, eh? Listen, darling, don't you worry about it.
They'll all take the piss, but deep down they're just scared you're gonna rumble their little secrets, you know what I mean? Hey, why don't I bathe Troy? Must be time and I'd really like to.
I'll tell you what, darling, why don't I bathe him with you? Yeah? Sure, okay.
- Mr Worrall Thompson, come on in.
- Thanks.
Thanks so much for doing this.
You don't know what it means to me.
It's no problem, babe.
It's better to get it right, eh? And if Harley's serious about my five-a-side charity team Sorted.
I won't let you down, Antony.
Just make it look good, yeah? - See you later.
- See you later.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you like it? Well, who wouldn't? But Shannon's expecting me.
She's made such a palaver of the whole thing.
- She'd be gutted.
- You're not guest of honour, she'll get over it.
- I want to go, Bruno.
- Yeah, and I said no.
I'm sorry, Lucy, I'm putting my foot down.
I've already cancelled your mum.
- Angelica's got a temperature.
- Angelica's fine.
- Excuse me? - She was well enough to go to school.
Are you saying I don't know my own daughter? Besides, I don't like the Lawsons.
- She's thick and he's an arrogant little tosser.
- You're going out and Harley'll be there.
- That's different, it's work.
- As if.
I made myself clear, Lucy.
Don't test me.
Bollocks to that.
Hello, Mum.
It's me.
- Sleepless in Seattle.
- That's your favourite film? Yeah, I know it's a bit corny, but (Noah laughing) Sorry.
I should have picked something a bit cooler.
No, no, it's not that.
It's just It's one of my favourite films, too.
- I've seen it loads of times.
- Really? You know, you're not like girls I usually meet.
All glam and make-up and that.
- Sorry, I didn't think that you - No, no.
You don't need all that stuff.
You're pretty and all, in a natural way.
I can relax with you, you know.
I'm glad.
Listen, Noah, I better go.
Thanks for a lovely time.
Bethany, I've got Sleepless in Seattle on DVD if you fancy getting a pizza in sometime.
- I have to ask my dad.
- Of course.
But I'd love to.
It's amazing, love.
- Nice detail.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I'm really happy with it.
If you need a good designer then I'll give you his number.
I ain't leaving without it, love.
Straight up.
My downstairs bog needs a facelift.
(Giggling) Amuse-bouche.
Pesto and goat's cheese.
- Marks and Spencer's? - I made them meself.
Oh, no, Shan.
They're lovely.
Hey! Happy birthday, H.
Lucy's brought the juicy! - No, no, no.
- No, he's cheated.
No, it's come on.
Yeah, I love you, too.
All right, see you later on.
Bye.
Sounds like they're having a good time round at mine.
Why is it when girls get together, we're always in for grief afterwards? Law of nature, mate.
First bottle of wine, we're their heroes.
Second bottle, we're all a bunch of bastards.
Don't even try and work it out.
Sounds like Lucy's missing a stimulating night.
What do you mean, missing? She's there, mate.
Shannon said she brought a magnum.
Eh? I'll, er I should get some more beers in.
Come on.
- I wanna show you something.
- What you doing? Don't like needles.
Listen, I know it were one of three.
I remember summat he said.
It was dark and I was drunk but I definitely remember.
When I said, "No," he said, "It's not what you said an hour ago.
" So an hour before, pissed out of my skull, I said yes to Conrad Bruno Milligan and Darius Fry.
- Don't you recognise the voice? - No, it was whispering.
And no one's sussed you out? I mean, not even with I don't think he ever looked at my face.
I was just some slut they took turns with, wasn't I? Listen, I think I know who it was.
I'll tell your wife on you if you're not careful.
You wanna watch him, love.
What? I just don't know we can prove it.
Why are you being so nice to me? I feel like shit about what happened.
I should've stopped him.
I can't go back in time but Katie, you're not on your own anymore.
I don't think it's strange keeping his things.
It's human.
Really? - Conrad can't even say his name.
- Yeah, but he's a bloke.
I mean, when my gran died, I kept her perfume I missed her so much.
Used to spray it on me before I went to sleep so I could smell her.
It was comforting.
It didn't mean I couldn't accept her passing or nothing.
Bit of chockie.
Girl's best friend.
And help yourselves to the muscat.
It's dessert wine.
- Supposed to be sweet.
- Gorgeous.
Eh, who'd have thought it? Our Shannon, a regular Jamie Oliver.
- Not quite.
- Oh, don't do yourself down, love.
- You got talent.
Ain't she, girls? - AMBER: Yeah, you should do something about it.
You know, start your own line of sauces or whatever.
I don't know, I mean, it's only a bit of fun, you know.
Oh, she ain't wrong, sweetheart.
I could put you on to a good marketing guy.
Could be talking telly.
I've got it.
"Topless Cooking.
Girl on Grill Action.
" Leave off, H.
Thought I could hear laughter.
Oh, Lucy, looks like somebody's missing you.
Happy birthday, H.
Don't mind me.
I'm just a chauffeur.
Thought my lovely wife might fancy a lift after a glass or five of wine.
Seems I was right.
Well, she can't go.
We ain't finished dinner yet.
- Yeah, come on, get a chair.
- I'll fetch you a glass, what do you fancy? Hold on a sec.
A bloke comes in, all of a sudden you're running around like a bunch of mindless waitresses.
No offence, love, but did Lucy show you the invite? - Ladies only.
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
Sorry, Bruno, but the birthday girl says you gotta go.
No, quite right.
My apologies, ladies.
- I'll wait outside, yeah? - I'll just get my jacket.
Not you, Luce.
It's only bloody 10:00.
Oh, go on, Bruno, we'll put her in a cab.
No, to be fair, my mum will be wanting to get back.
No, no, they're right.
You have a good time, sweetheart.
I'll go.
Just make sure she gets home safely, okay? Thanks, baby.
I won't be late.
Come home whenever you like.
Enjoy the rest of the night, girls.
- Bye, Bruno.
- Bye, Bruno.
I'll tell you what, Lucy, you have got a good one there.
- Just like my Harley, always worrying.
- Yeah, he's a diamond, ain't he? Yeah.
Well, hands off 'cause he's all mine.
(Laughing) Just ordered a pizza.
I was so nervous.
I hardly had anything at supper.
Harley, it was fantastic.
- See, I told you.
You worry too much.
- I swear, I mean, I had to talk them out of putting me up for my own TV show.
H said it was the best birthday.
And they drank frigging everything.
- Mark of a good night, eh? - I'm dead proud of you.
- And I really love you.
- Me and all.
- Do you want a drink? - No.
No, Shannon - I want you to sit down for a minute.
- What's going on? You know we said no more lies.
Well, there's something I need to tell you about.
It's about what happened in Spain.
I never told you the whole truth.
(Screaming) What are you doing? Teaching you some discipline.
You can't be trusted to do as you're told.
- So you've forced me to clip your wings.
- This is vintage.
- Paid for by me.
- I paid for it out of my allowance! You'll just have to save up again, then, won't you? - It's irreplaceable.
- Go and have a shower, sweetheart.
Hit the sack.
Your pyjamas are still there.
If you wanna go out again without my permission, that's what you'll be wearing.
My baby was fake tanned and you didn't think to mention it.
- Would you rather I called you a rapist? - Come on! What I want to do now is christen my son and marry his mother.
Poor dead little Ricky.
He wasn't even my baby.
He was Tanya's.
She switched them at birth.
Jesus, she's flipped.