Futurama s04e02 Episode Script

Tale of Two Santas In true Winter tradition, members|of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge|into a river of liquid ammonia.
- There Were no survivors.
|- It takes all kinds.
NoW, With his annual message, here's|the head of the Xmas Safety Council: - The head of Walter Cronkite.
|- Season's Warnings.
This guy's too trustworthy.
|What's his angle? In all the tinsel and terror|of the holiday season We underestimate that murderous|brute knoWn as Santa Claus.
With images of last year's Gingerbread|Massacre baked into our memories I remind you to bolt your doors,|say goodbye to your pets and lock your children|in the closet.
This is Walter Cronkite saying,|"I told you so.
" Sacred boar of Western Samoa!|We must secure for Santa's arrival! Fine.
I'm getting tired|of this wood show.
Cover that fireplace! I've only a few years to live.
|I don't want to spend them dead.
- We're pushing as hard as we can.
|- Oh! Pushing.
We're doomed.
|Every year we're doomed.
Thanks be I had these|bulletproof shutters installed.
Bring it on, Santa.
That vicious|cadaver-junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough|to leave this building.
In a related matter,|you'll deliver this sack of letters directly to Santa|at his death fortress on Neptune.
These letters are real butt-nutters.
|Listen to this.
"Dear Santa " Please, please don't bring me|any gifts.
The bicycle you fired at me last year|from your bike gun tore up my insides.
Awful! Let's read some more.
|"Dear Santa " Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa.
You choked him With a chestnut last|year, and he's beginning to smell.
In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring|people together, not blow them apart.
Sure, but who's gonna do anything|about it? Not us.
No, sir.
Yes, us.
We've got to bring back|the kind of Xmas I remember.
Fry's right.
It's time|to sit on Santa's lap, and hard! Look, a cute little welcoming party.
- Want to buy a tiny kidney?|- I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Look, we've got mail for Santa.
|Are you his elves? - No, we're Neptunians.
|- We're tiny because he won't feed us.
You hit me.
You owe me a dollar.
Got any food? Old tea bags,|chewed gum, apple cores? - We're starving here!|- You live in a gingerbread house.
- It's food or shelter, not both.
|- Don't you get paid for making toys? - Who said toys?|Toys? False alarm, folks.
There's no toys made.
|Santa says everyone is naughty.
That's it! I'm delivering my boot|up Santa's chimney.
- Where is he?|- There, in his ice fortress.
We'll need help getting in.
|Any volunteers? - I'll help you.
|- Oh, phooey! - An omen?|- Dinner.
Let's see who's been naughty|and who's been naughty.
Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper|for protection money.
Very naughty.
Shopkeepers not paying protection|money.
Exactly as naughty.
I saw that! - Huh?|- We brought your mail.
Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things|I could be watching? - I get New Orleans on this thing.
|- Don't kill us! Santa's a robot.
We should be able|to destroy him with a logical paradox.
Bender, you better cover your ears.
Holy night! Intruders! Hold it, Santa.
Consider this: You are programmed|to destroy the naughty.
But many of those you destroy|are in fact nice.
I submit that you are naughty.
So,|logically, you must destroy yourself.
- Yay!|- Yay! Nice try, but my head was built with|paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
Wait! This is what we're running from.
Faster! Faster! - Why aren't we moving?|- I don't know.
Usually when I do stuff like this|the ship moves.
Ho, ho- Huh? - He's trapped.
|- Hooray! - Now we can make toys again!|- Toys! Toys! Toys! And I can deliver them.
|Billions and billions in one night.
- No human could do all that.
|- Evel Knievel could.
- Nuh-uh.
|- Santa's right.
We need some sort of robot.
Crap! I'm some sort of robot.
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Bender can't be Santa.
He wasn't|built to Yuletide specifications.
I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse|either, but that didn't stop me.
- Bender!|- Bow before your new Santa.
Our hero! We are free and fairly sober|With so many toys to build The machines are kind of tricky|Probably someone Will be killed But We gladly Work for nothing Which is good|Because We don't intend to pay The elves are back to Work today|Hooray We have just a couple hours|To make several billion gifts - And the labor isn't easy|- Then you'll all Work triple shifts You can make the job go quicker|If you turn the controls to super speed - It's back to Work on Xmas Eve|- Hooray And though you're cold, sore and ugly|Your pride Will mask the pain - Let my happy smile Warm your hearts|- There's a toy lodged in my brain We are getting aWfully tired|And We can't Work any faster We're very, very sorry You selfish little bastards|The kids Will think Santa is a jerk Then shut your yaps and back to Work NoW it's very nearly Xmas|And We've done the best We could - These are poorly painted|- And made from inferior Wood I should give you all a beating|But I have to fly If I Weren't stuck here|I'd harpoon you in the eye NoW it's back to our tenements|To droWn ourselves in rye You did the best you could|Some of these gorillas are okay - Hooray!|- We're adequate! The elves have rescued Xmas Day|Hooray Gee, how are you|gonna get through these bars? I don't know, moron.
|Suppose I bend them? Okay.
Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter! Kids, take your suicide pills|so you won't suffer! No, wait! I'm the good Santa.
|I've got toys at reasonable prices.
He's the father of all lies|and the uncle of all tricks! - I've come bearing Tri-Ominos.
|- Go for the shins! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! One down Well, hello there, handsome.
|Won't you have a cookie? Don't mind if I do.
What's in these things? Why don't you slip into something|more fiery? Ow! Whoa! Ow! Ah! Ah! Ooh.
Ow.
Yo, Kringle,|what happened to you, dog? It's awful, Kwanza-Bot.
|Everyone hates me.
At least they understand you.
|Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.
- Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand.
|- No time.
I gotta hand out the Kwanza book.
I've been giving these out|for 647 years.
Bathtub eggnog,|just the way Grandma used to drink.
- Ew! It went sour!|- Can't I have a scented bath in peace? Remember, professor, Bender is Santa.
|So we don't need to hurt him, right? Yes, yes, yes.
|You sound like a broken MP3.
Ho, ho- Professor, don't you remember|what I told you? No! There's gotta be a better way.
Bender, you're a genius.
This creates|an unrealistic standard of beauty.
Now it's time for Santa|to screw open his present.
It's Santa!|We've got him cornered.
- I smell a juicy promotion for me.
|- And a juicy rehiring for me.
Eh? Wha- This Xmas Day session of court|will come to order.
Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.
Santa, you stand accused of crimes|against humanity.
How do you plead? - Not Santa.
|- There he is again! Now, Pramala, I know it's scary|in the witness box.
But there ain't no need to fear me.
I'm sorry.
I thought you was corn.
Now, would you please point|at that robot over there? No further questions.
Daddy done good, huh? - Haven't you been paid to testify?|- You gave me a dollar and some candy.
Yet you haven't said what I told you|to say.
How can we trust you? - Quit badgering the witness.
|- Badger? Where? Whereas I have a ham dinner|waiting for me at my mansion I find the defendant guilty.
Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you|to be executed at sundown.
It's not fair.
I hope that|dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
Deactivated robot walking!|Deactivated robot walking here! Santa, when you see the robot devil,|tell him I'm coming.
- That guy said to tell you-|- I heard him.
Greetings, masters.
|My companion and I made lots of toys.
Out of my way.
We're taking Santa|to prove Bender's innocence.
Do what you will, but we'll see|who has the last ho.
- There.
|- Oh, no! The ice is melting! The factory's pollution|caused a greenhouse effect.
- That would explain this heat.
|- And your shorts.
Yeah, that would explain it.
We've got to think of a way to save|Bender, or Xmas will be ruined! Especially for Bender.
Look out, Earth.
|I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
Good old Maggie.
When I pull the switch, these|electromagnets will tear you apart.
- A most humane death.
|- But that doesn't sound humane! It is for the witnesses|because it's not boring.
When this random-number generator|reaches zero, you'll be executed.
Oh.
"Ten.
Three.
Twelve.
Three" again.
- Stop the execution!|- Leela! "Fifteen.
Negative eight.
" - I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa.
|- I'm Santa Claus! - What? "Twenty-seven.
"|- No, I'm Santa Claus.
- "Six"!|- We're also Santa Claus.
And I'm his friend, Jesus.
If you execute him,|you have to execute all of us.
You people aren't Santa.
|You're not even robots.
"Ninety-one.
" How dare you lie in front of Jesus!|Hey, "zero"! No! Not the magnet! SWing loW|SWeet chariot Coming for to carry me home SWing loW - This is horrible.
|- But it's not boring.
Ho, ho, ho.
My God! The real Santa!|Get him, Jesus! I help those who help themselves.
Santa, you saved my life.
|Please don't kill me! I'm not here to kill you, Bender.
|I need you to help me save Xmas.
Gee whiz, Santa,|you want me to help you? - Don't do it! He's evil!|- I know he is, but I have no choice.
I'm late.
If I don't complete my brutal|rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas.
I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join|my slaying tonight? Well, 'tis the season.
- My hair!|- My wedding cake! Let it snow! Merry Xmas, kids.
This wangs chung.
After all the good we tried to do,|Xmas turned out rotten.
- No heat.
|- No power.
Huddled together in fear|like lice in a burning wig.
Maybe your futuristic Xmas|isn't so rotten after all.
What are you talking about?|You said it yourself: Xmas should bring people together,|not blow them apart.
Don't you see? Fear has brought us|together.
That's the magic of Xmas.
That's a big crock of- Hold me! On, Trasher! On, Smasher! - Kwanza-Bot, where you off to?|- Didn't you hear? Chanukah Zombie is having a luau.
|You coming? Word! Here's a small token of my appreciation|for being Santa while I was trapped.
Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh.
Chief, you screwed up.
|There's nothing here.
Oh, it might appear empty|but the message is clear: Play Santa again,|and I'll kill you next year! Ho, ho, ho!