Ghosts (2019) s04e02 Episode Script

1
Rotten.
Try another?
They all be the same, Ambrose!
Well what are we going to
tell the squire?
'Tis not just the squire.
The entire village
shall suffer for this.
And they shall hate us for it.
We'll be driven
out of the parish, boy!
Unless
Oh!
Come back in thy basket,
little bread.
Strange woman, talks to herself,
lives alone.
Well her husband
died in an accident.
Accident, was it?
Perhaps she cursed him.
Perhaps she summoned
this frost, cursed the crops?
Ohhh!
We'd best tell the squire
we have a witch in our midst.
Until, finally,
the crowd dispersed.
And that is what happened
to me.
I'll be having nightmares
about that.
You didn't see it live. Uh.
Those horrible men!
Gracious me!
Wish I'd never heard it.
Well, you wanted to know
I know, and I'm sorry.
Now, we have run over a bit.
Now, I know we were supposed to play
"if I could invite four people,
"living or dead, to my dinner party,
who would they be and why"
Nicole, Natalie, Melanie and
Shaznay, because, All Saints.
But given the nature of what we've
just heard, I think it only right
that we cancel that Good.
And take some time to reflect.
Really?
Quite right.
Right, well, erm I mean
what will I do? I just
Right. Excellent. Over here.
You seen this energy bill?
Hmm? Hmm?
What?!
That must be a mistake.
Yeah, must be.
I'll call them. Yeah. I mean, I know
they've gone up, but
Oh, Mike. It's the Gatehouse.
Ohhh! Why didn't
we think about that?
Wasn't it on the spreadsheet?
No. And everything was on there.
Even the little shampoos
and variety cereals. Man!
Why can't we be like
business-y people that
You know, adults that say business-y
words and drive nice cars?
Ohh! Mike, have you seen the stone
from my mum's ring?
What does it look like?
Are you kidding?
I've worn it, like, half the time
I've known you.
Oh, yeah. The ring. The, er, re
Green. It's deep green.
What, the green one?
Yeah, yeah
Have you seen it? No. Oh
I'll keep an eye out. Thanks.
No jewel could possibly match
the jewel of thine eye.
Where did you last have it?
Er, on my finger. Yeah! Fair enough.
As bright as the North Star
and as rare and precious as
Thomas, please, please,
please can you give it a rest?
You have to try and find
a way to stop this.
OK?
Of course, my love.
I mean, yes, Mrs Cooper,
I would do anything for
She's right, you know.
A person should know when enough is
enough. Hmm?
Look, I don't understand.
It's all very well saying,
"At ease,"
but what are we supposed to do
for the rest of the day?
Whatever we feel like.
But it's the whole day, Kitty. Oh, I
don't think about the whole day.
I just think about now. How do you
decide what to do?
I suppose I've never really
thought about it, I just
Oh, look! A butterfly!
Hmm? Kitty!
You haven't answered my question.
Kitty! I say!
I know what it's like, Mary.
Oh!
Oh, you do? Mm.
I was the subject of
a few witch-hunts myself.
Ohhh But you'll be pleased
to know
that times have changed.
These days, we listen to women.
Well perhaps it was
a blessings, erm, in the end.
Yeah, great. But I did not think
that at the time. No, at first
Oh. There's more, is there?
Oh, good
I mean, at first I could hardly
Hello! Thought we'd introduce
ourselves. No way!
Mike! Scott! How are you, man?
Hey! You all right?
Wait, is this?
This is my place, yeah.
You guys know each other?
Yeah! From college.
Cooper?
No way! Oh, my God. Hey!
Wow, it's been so long. Yeah!
I heard you'd inherited a mansion.
I can't believe this is it!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you guys aren't doing so bad
yourself, with these wheels.
We can't complain.
Things have been
really kicking off the last couple
of years, yeah. Good!
And you must be? Oh, sorry, this
is Alison, the lady of the manor!
Nice to meet you. Hi.
Laetitia and Scott.
Nice to meet you.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Er, come in and have
a drink. Yeah.
Our generous hosts left us this
complimentary bottle of prosecco.
Oh, they sound nice.
I'd leave a very good review
for that.
Yeah, we will, we will. Yeah!
I've actually got to get on.
But it was really nice to meet you.
And you. See you in a bit.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah? Yeah,
yeah, catch up with your mates.
I I've been neglecting
the ghosts recently, so I should
see if they need anything. Yeah.
Sounds really weird
saying that out loud.
Time passed slowly at first
in the realm of the unlivings.
Table, if you please!
And I just kept myself to myself for
the first 50 years or so.
"Ah, good morning, Humphrey,
and how are you?"
I'm all right, thank you
very much for asking.
Very good, sir, sir
But all that changed
one fateful day.
Will the prayers be?
Hush, Annie!
Did you sleep at sermon?
'Tis a day of humiliation
and fasting.
Be silent. Search thyself
for sins of which to repent.
But I said hush!
Bring not God's wrath
down upon us woman.
Mmmm! Mmmm!
Uh
She was not happy to be dead.
But then, I suppose
no person is at first.
Be this a jape?
Why am I not in heaven?
What, because of the bread?
I have lived a lifetime
abstaining from all pleasures,
listening to his verbal
effluence all the day long.
Could not so much as cough
without furious consequence.
And for what?
I was promised Eden.
How do you do? I'm Humphrey.
Ooh! Another one?
What is that?!
Er, it's a savage of some kind.
His name's Ro.
Rogh!
That's what I said. Ro.
I think it's short
for something.
Be there no-one else?
Er
Right,
so you made a friend.
Good. That's lovely. Now, I
Though I did not know it
at the time,
Annie would be
the changing of me.
That's not the end? OK.
Oh, yes, each day would we
Just try to ignore her.
Impossible!
Can a man ignore the ocean
even as it drowns him?
She just wants you to stop
the comments, Thomas.
I cannot simply She is within me.
She courses through my
veins like
That's it! What?
I must to go through
a complete withdrawal,
remove her from my system.
It was the same with opium.
I must shut myself away
until the urge is gone.
Ooh! Cold turkey. Bootiful.
That's what it's called when you
just stop rather than cutting down.
It worked for me brother-in-law
and he used to smoke
30 Woodbine a day.
You'll never see it through.
We'll use the attic room,
gable end.
Only one way out,
which Robin will guard.
Yeah No, I'm quite busy,
actually. I got to wash my
Patrick?
Er Well I suppose,
if you really think it will
Excellent. Thank you, Patrick.
It shouldn't last more than
three days. At most four.
Four?!
Sucker!
Now, then, Patrick,
I will cry, I will beg,
I will plead with you to
let me out. But you must not,
under any circumstances,
allow me to leave
that room. All right?
OK
I wonder if she has friends.
Butterfly friends.
Well, I'm not sure that, erm
Or baby butterflies.
Well, baby butterflies
are caterpillars, Katherine.
Yes, of course.
Yes. And one day they come out
and they are their true,
fabulous selves.
Oh, it's gone. Mm.
The mayfly only lives for
a day. Did you know that?
Oh, which reminds me, how much of
our day do we have left?
I don't know. Hmm.
Right, what shall we do now?
I don't know.
What do you feel like?
I feel like skipping.
Well, I don't know
about skipping
but I could try a light trot,
I suppose. Yes
Hiya. Where are you going?
Nowhere.
Just going for a walk. I'll come
with you. Er, no, thank you,
Alison, no.
Hi, guys! Anything you need?
Fine, thank you. We're skipping.
It's harder than it looks.
There's a sort of rhythm
one has to master.
Well, I'm around if you
I'm around.
And then, on the
eighty seventh day
Was it eighty-eighth?
Eighty-seventh
There was a man, and Annie did
Hey! Are you sleepings?
No! No, not at all.
Er, I used to get this a lot
in the House of Commons,
and I shall say to you
what I said to them,
which is this -
I actually listen better
with my eyes closed, so
Well, as long as you are.
I am. Very much so.
Please, carry on.
Well, it was
the eighty-seventh day
He speaks as though
he suffers great temptation,
but I tell thee, if Eve looked like
her, Adam would not have succumbed
in a moment!
And who are you? You look like
a great testicle with eyes. Oh!
Well, so, 'tis time to return to
the nag, may the Lord keep me.
May the Lord give you the runs.
Every man is a
Go on, you try.
Erm No, I cannot.
Go on, say he's a wart.
A scab. A crankle.
An arseworm. Go on, quick!
No, I cannot. Sorry.
And so began
Annie's tutelage.
Determined was she
to unshackle my voice.
Hello?
Hi, Pat.
Eh? Oh! Hi, Alison.
You OK? I've got
a bit of an afternoon off,
if you fancy watching some football
or Krypton Factor?
Oh, my. I'd absolutely love that.
But I can't. Oh? Why?
- Well, I've got to
- Is that her?
Get her away from here.
It's for your benefit, Alison.
He's going cold turkey.
Oh
Oh! OK.
Well, I guess that just leaves
Huh?
I know I've been really busy lately,
so I thought I could spend some
quality time with my crew.
Yeah. It's a nice day.
We could see all of this nature
outside, you know?
Deer? Maybe.
Outside? Mm.
Three mil?!
Turnover, not profit.
Still!
It's all about expanding now.
We've just secured investment to go
international, so
This is incredible.
What about you, though?
This is
This is lovely. Yeah.
Yeah, well, I mean, we've been
working really hard.
The house is a money pit,
with renovations and stuff.
We want to make a go of it as
a hotel, but it's just this for now.
Cool, cool.
We're trying.
If you wanna tell me the
secret to your success, then
Seriously, tell me
the secret to your success.
Er Honestly,
we were struggling ourselves
until we joined this programme a
couple of years ago. Oh, right?
Yeah. It's like an executive
success course. But it's, erm
It's kind of more supportive
than that sounds. Mm.
And it's just changed
our whole thing.
Taught us how to prioritise
our goals.
It's actually why we're here.
We're going to this big
seminar tonight in town.
Oh. Tell me more.
So you sacrifice your horsey,
dooka-dooka,
but you trick them with prawns
in middle of the board,
in a V formation.
You always surprise me, Robin.
I know you shouldn't judge
a book by its cover,
but I often forget how cultured
Squirrel!
OK.
I lost it.
Sorry, you were saying?
Oh, no. Well, I was just
There it is!
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Oh, Alison.
What are you up to?
Oh, I'm taking Robin for a walk. GROWLING
OK. How were your mates?
Yeah, good. Really good.
So they're doing really well
with their business.
They're turning over,
like, millions.
So, I was like, "What's
your secret?" And it turns out
it's all down to this programme that
they're on that taught them
everything they know and introduced
them to this whole network,
and they've invited us
to a seminar - tonight -
to start our own journey
of personal growth.
Our journey of personal growth?
Yeah. It sounds a bit culty.
No. Does it?
I've already said we'll go.
Well, just Just back out.
Just say we can't come.
Hey!
They're coming
Hey! Did you, er, tell Alison
about the seminar?
Yeah. Amazing.
I'm actually kind of jealous.
There's nothing like
the first time. I cried, didn't I?
Yeah, sobbed. It was magical.
We brought you these sashes.
Actually, I
I know it seems a bit culty,
but it's just a symbolic thing
to show
that you're virgin speakers
before you make your oath.
Hmm.
That's your favourite colour,
isn't it, Mike?
Yeah.
Great. Well, we'll drive.
Shall we pick you up
from the house at five?
Yeah. Can't wait for you to meet
the High Shepherd.
Yeah.
Bye.
Going to meet
the shepherd.
I think they'll be
great additions to the flock.
Well done. I thought you were going
to say something.
We shall practise
upon this fellow.
What shall I say?
Speak just as you choose. Utter
anything your mind can conjure.
Thou art a skinny man
Mm-hm.
Wi-with stick arms
and a pumpkin head
and hay hands.
Right. Them's just facts, though.
Yeah.
Oh, Mary
Ah. That was a very jolly
sing-song, Kitty.
Wasn't it? Yes,
and it must have killed
What do you think? Two hours or?
That's your problem.
Why would you want to kill time?
It's there to be enjoyed,
not killed. Yes, but
I mean, you seem to enjoy
everything, Kitty,
and I just don't know how
If you're doing it right, you don't
even notice the time.
Oh! Ants!
What? Oh, no, no.
No, no, don't worry, Kitty.
They can't they can't touch you,
of course.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Ah, that one's called a soldier.
There he goes.
Brave little fellow.
Yeah. They can carry several times
their own body weight.
Did you know that? Oh, look!
There's actually two
different colonies.
I think we could be witnessing
an invasion.
Oh, yes. There they go,
establishing a front line.
HE CHUCKLES Yes.
But we won't be giving up
our strategic position
that easily, will we, boys?
Think your way through this,
Thorne, come on!
Your mind is your own. If you want
to think of something
other than her beautiful face,
then you can.
You don't need to dwell on
the colour of her eyes
or the way her lip curls
when she smiles
Don't forget her dimples.
Of course, her d
Ah! What are you doing there?!
Trying to get over her, are you?
It's impossible! Well, just think
of something else.
As far away as you can imagine.
A beach. If you like,
yeah, imagine a beach.
The sea.
The fish.
The fishermen.
Talking of the sirens at sea.
Careful.
The auburn-haired,
hazel-eyed beauties
called Alison.
I can't do it! You see?!
Yes.
Patrick, I need to see her.
No, Thomas.
Just for one second,
just a glimpse, and then
I'll be fine. Then then
You said you'd say this, mate.
I know, but, Patrick, please.
I have to!
Just a tiny taste.
No, Thomas!
All right?
I'm going to put my foot down.
It's for your own good.
This is my foot going down. OK?
OK.
I didn't know it was there.
'Twas there all along.
Fastest squirrel in the world!
I didn't know,
but she was there all along.
She was ever so amusing!
Who are you talking to?
No No-one.
Don't stand there!
Huh? You're standing on my horse.
What? My horse! Montague.
You're still on him.
He's a horse, Alison.
This OK?
Yes. That's Montague.
That's Bessie, my first dog. Bitch.
That's Jasmine, the Siamese.
Jasper, the falcon.
And Dante. But wasn't Dante
in the house?
No, that was just the crust.
We buried the meat.
What? You mean,
like the giblets and the?
Now you're making it
sound disgusting!
OK. So what is this? Like a?
A pet cemetery, yes.
I come here once a week
to pay my respects to my beloveds.
I do miss them, you know.
The company.
The long walks.
Grooming their hair.
What?
So hot.
So cold.
Humphrey?
Humphrey, are you awake?
I love you, Thomas.
No!
I love you, too. Oh, God
What are you talking about?
I need to get out of here.
You have to help me.
I am overcome with delirium.
Come here, my darling.
Argh! I love you, Thomas.
No, my darling, please!
Kiss me, Thomas.
Kiss me.
Not so fast, you blighter!
There's nothing to see here.
Come on, you.
Back to your cell!
Right. Where was I?
Shouting at scarecrows.
Thou is
a acorn.
Good, good.
Oh, thou, erm
Mary, say something to these.
My wife's mother is visiting.
Oof!
Their tongues will not have
ceased all day.
HE CHUCKLES Women do chatter so.
No. I cannot, Annie.
It's It's too hard.
Oh, 'tis only too hard
cos you still think like a living.
We were shut up all our lives,
kept silent, kept in our place.
Now, Mary, we are free.
More free than ever in life.
I shall have no peace
as long as she's in the house.
The old witch.
Thou art a blaggard.
Thou art a snake.
Pox-ridden boil.
Yes, Mary!
Scurvy toad!
Ooh!
What's the matter?
Ooh, a blister on my heel.
Ha-ha.
I shall have my wife bathe it
in salts 'pon my return.
I'm sure 'twill please her
to do so.
Oh, I'm sure she'd rather gouge her
own eyes out with a fork.
Looking at thy face,
I can't imagine the horror
of thy feets.
Oh! How do I look?
Simply wonderful!
Eurgh! Wonderfully daft.
'Tis better suited to a dog.
GIGGLING Hush now, girls.
These games are
unbecoming of a young lady.
Yes, Father.
Yes, Father.
Your face is unbecoming
of a face!
Yeah, you big horse's lad!
The lark shall sing
its morning hymn
To the bloom
of bright and gay
I sneeze better poetry
than this.
Yeah. I'd rather listen
to a donkey die a slow death.
Yeah, me too.
So, in troth, Annie did teach
me to speak as I find.
Death may take from us
many things,
but it gave me a voice.
I hope that whate'er is next
is even better.
Well, I usually do about, erm,
five potatoes high, and then
Lucky cow.
Aw
Huh.
Well, I suppose we should all
just make t'most of it,
until we finally receive
our blessed suckings-off.
Mm. Annie sounds great.
I wish I'd met her.
Aye, she certainly
sounded colourful. She was.
A remarkable woman.
And I should know -
I've been listening since the very
start, haven't I, Mary?
Ah, they're here. What do I say?
Well, how should I know?
People think politicians
don't listen, but, y'know,
I think Mary can tell you,
this politician does listen.
This politician is all ears.
Well, I think
And I think it's just great
that women these days
can say exactly what they want.
Well, I think that
Women have never had it so good.
I'm sorry, I just
think that's great.
Hey! Hey. Hey
- So
- Just look at Alison.
She's never afraid to speak
her mind.
You guys feeling ready?
Perhaps you can say what you want,
but it's not without consequence,
is it? Have you got some dry clothes
to change into after the ceremony?
Oh, God. Well, about that
You can't just go around shouting,
"Hello, I'm Mrs Jellyhead -
"look at my wibbly friends,"
and expect to be invited
to many dinner parties.
In ages, so Yeah, that's
a great point, Fanny.
Alison, you can't talk to us.
There's people here.
Alison
No, it's fine, everyone. I can
just I can say what I want.
Sorry. Sorry, that must sound mad,
but don't worry, I'm not. I'm just
talking to the ghosts who live here.
Say hello to our guests, guys.
Hello.
They say hello.
Erm, there's Kitty -
she's a Georgian lady.
There's Lady Button.
She was actually showing me
her pet cemetery, if you can
Ooh, sorry, careful. If you
just move out of the way,
cos Humphrey's body
is just walking through,
and I don't know where the head is.
Anyone know?
Um
Wait, is this a joke?
It's not. It's not, is it, Mike?
He can't see them either, and it
drives him up the wall. Yeah.
Now, then, is it time
to meet the High Shepherd?
Ha
Erm
Do you know what? It's
I've just remembered we were
Yeah, I completely forgot, but we
were told Yeah it's full.
Oh. Sold out. No room, so
Maybe next time. Next time.
That's a shame. A shame.
Yeah. OK. Shame.
- All right.
- Bye!
They say bye.
Later, alligator!
DOOR CLOSES Yes!
Well done, Alison. Well done.
I'm sorry, Pat. I was
in the grip of a hallucination
and I wasn't myself. I swear
it will not happen again.
You're damn right it won't.
Another peep out of you,
and you're in the hole!
You all right?
No, I'm
Patrick, I have to see Alison.
Oh, my God!
It's only been ten seconds.
Now get back in there,
you pathetic little
I found the stone from her ring!
Really?
Yes. It's under the bed.
Let me tell her. She needs to know!
You ain't going to
see sunlight till breakfast, pal.
Now get in that cell
where you belong.
Lights out!
Scum.
Oh, right,
that must be time for
Actually, what is that time for?
What are we doing?
Where's Pat?
Oh, we don't need Patrick.
I'll do the lecture, shall I?
Oh
Oh, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
It'll be something fun, like
Oh! like the time I met
Bryan Ferry on -
wait for it - a train.
Yeah. No.
I will do the talk.
What are you going to teach
us? How to eat raw meat?
How about how to beat
Julian at chess?!
That's out of order!
I'll take you down
to Chinatown, bitch!
All right, calm down!
Let's just take a moment,
shall we?
Hang on a minute. You're late!
Hmm? Am I? Oh, yes
Well, I suppose
I just lost track of time.
What?!
Well, I mean, what's
the rush anyway?
We've got for ever.
Well, we've got until seven,
because that's when we're watching
Captain America.
Yes, good point. As you were.
A boat.
A sail.
A mast.
A crow's nest.
Alison.
Cooper.
Hmm!
Alison
Alison!
I just wanted to tell you
I found your ring piece.
Your jewel. And it
Right, let me guess, its beauty
cannot hope to match
the deep pools of my eyes.
No. I was just going to say
it's up in the attic room.
Oh, yes!
Aw, Thomas, I could kiss you!
Yes. Do it.
Kiss me hard on the mouth.
Kiss me for ever.
Oh, God, no!
I tried so hard!
oakislandtk