Ghosts (2021) s04e02 Episode Script

1
(GASPS)
The bread hath returned
from the underworld,
singed by hellfire.
No, Patience. It's just toast.
- But it hath been warmed by the Devil's breath.
- No, that's not
Does someone else want to jump in here?
(CHUCKLES) "Devil's breath."
Everyone knows heat
comes from Muspelheim,
which is guarded by
Surt, the fire giant.
Of course, that's common knowledge.
(GASPS) Hark!
He hath summoned the
hellfires from below.
He is in league with Lucifer!
She is a lot.
Huh. I'm stuck sharing a room with her.
Can you believe, on top
of all this nonsense,
- she snores?
- Mm.
Just got to give her some
time. She's adjusting.
Well, you know, at least
she stopped attacking
her own reflection in the mirrors.
That's progress.
We're talking about Patience.
In retrospect, not the ideal week to add
a ghost reclamation
project to your to-do list.
Sam's dad's coming to visit today.
That's adorable. He
thinks there are things
going on in this house
that we don't know about.
Your dad's name is Frank.
He hasn't visited since you moved in,
and he's bringing his
new girlfriend, Diane,
who collects frog-related tchotchkes.
Uh, oh, hot goss.
The dad is bringing a girlfriend.
Huh? Are they loving this insider info?
Oh, they're hanging on
every word. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I'm excited to meet this Frank.
He's absent. He's cloaked in mystery.
He's got "hot dad" written all over him.
He's not absent.
We have separate lives. It's normal.
So you're saying you don't have
any resentments towards your dad?
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
My parents divorced when I was ten,
and my dad wasn't around a lot.
It's no biggie.
Your dad wasn't around
for, like, anything.
Birthdays, soccer games,
that recital in fifth grade
that you always talk about.
Who cares?
In 1893, I saw my son twice.
Once on his birthday and a second time
when his nanny suddenly
died and we couldn't find
a replacement till later that day.
Well, I for one think
this weekend could be
a fresh start for you and your dad.
But if not, remember:
you got a father figure
right here in good old Pete.
You know, if you want,
you could call me Daddy.
You want to try it out?
- That's okay.
- Come on. Give it a shot.
Yeah, don't be weird,
Sam. Call Pete Daddy.
♪
(FORLORN GROAN)
Is this still about Isaac
leaving you at the altar last week?
That name.
Like a dagger through my chest.
To match the bullet he
previously lodged there.
Well, I'm going to go
(SIGHS) Who am I kidding?
You don't care.
No one cares.
Oh, that guy is a total bummer.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, he
real Sven from Gudvangen.
Sven very sad because
we sacrifice his mother
to ensure rain for the harvest.
I mean, I get it. Everyone love mother.
(CHUCKLES) : But, sorry,
Sven, we need beans.
Oh, I thought he would never leave.
I'm trying to be sensitive
and give him some time,
but do you have to wallow
in the one room with a TV?
How's everything going with your
"being a better person" thing?
Really well, thank you
for asking. I feel good.
Isaac, why is Nigel
still living in the house?
You don't break up with
someone and still live together.
It's weird.
Unless you're not allowed
to leave, like in the cult.
One time, I was living with 11 exes,
three current partners and one messiah.
Have you asked him to move out?
I just assumed he would choose to leave.
But perhaps I should have
a conversation with him.
I guess some things
have to be said aloud.
Question: If I'm dead, why
does my butt still itch?
Some things are better left unsaid.
NANCY: What's upple, throuple?
Just came by to see how
my better thirds are doing.
I, uh, learned about fractions
during my full year of schooling.
We still on for another
date night tonight?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Definitely.
Sounds good, yeah.
See you cuties later!
(CHUCKLES)
Thor, didn't you tell Nancy
that we were ending the throuple?
Alas, Thor did not.
Did I?
(GROANS)
Dang.
SAMANTHA: So, how did you two meet?
- Oh, let me tell it.
- Like I could stop you.
(LAUGHS) Frank's a cutup.
Well, I was browsing
in downtown Breckinridge
on the hunt for these frog-shaped soaps.
- Sure.
- DIANE: I couldn't find
the store I was looking for,
so I wandered into Frank's ski shop
looking for directions,
and that was it. (LAUGHS)
I was looking for a frog,
and I found my prince.
- Oh.
- PETE: Wow.
The wordplay. Nichols and May over here.
I like her.
I'm happy to hear that.
I don't want to scare you, Diane,
but Sammy here has a bit
of a checkered history
- with my girlfriends.
- Spill it, Frank.
Okay, Dad, we don't
need to get into that.
Uh, yeah, we do.
So, I'm seeing this one woman.
Um, Sammy must have
been, what, 11 or 12?
This particular lady was taking a nap.
She was hungover from brunch.
The point is, when she
wakes up from her nap
(CLEARS THROAT) someone's
given her a little haircut.
- Young lady!
- Sam!
- I was a kid.
- FRANK: And so, get this.
When we confront Sam,
she says it wasn't her.
She said a ghost did it.
(GASPS) Ghost scapegoating.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Boy, if there were any ghosts in here,
I bet they'd be pretty upset.
Ah. "Scape-ghosting." I missed it.
Don't give her too hard a time, Frank.
She was just a little kid.
11 is hardly little.
The foreman in our
button factory was 11.
What is this?
Who are these strangers among us?
Ooh, that's Sam's dad
and his girlfriend, Diane.
What is a "girl friend"?
It's sort of like a wife,
but they're not actually married yet.
DIANE: Well, I guess we
should freshen up for dinner.
Well, the boss has spoken.
And I don't mean Springsteen.
(LAUGHS) This guy was
"born to pun," am I right?
Sam, feel free to use that one.
I put fresh towels on your bed.
This is going pretty well.
Maybe you guys are right.
Maybe this could be a fresh
start for me and my dad.
They are to share a bed?
'Tis most disgraceful.
Patience, we respect your beliefs,
but these days, it's okay
for people to share a room,
even if they're not married.
This is an abomination,
and Patience will not stand for it.
Well, with all due respect,
Patience, it's not up to you,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
(CHUCKLES)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
♪
(MOANING EERILY)
Sam, is that blood?
Why are the walls bleeding?
So, apparently, there is
something she can do about it.
Hurry up, Jay. What if
they come downstairs?
Or a customer shows up?
You said Patience would settle in, Sam.
This ain't settling in.
Whose blood is this?
Where does it come from?
It's a real humdinger of a power.
It's funny how some of us have doozies,
like making the walls bleed
or being able to leave the
property, while some of us
Hold on. Did you just look at me?
I didn't. I swear!
No, the hu the humming
thing is neat. It's very neat.
What are we gonna do? I can't ask my dad
to sleep in a separate
room from his girlfriend.
Yeah, that's a tough conversation.
Hi. I have an Amazon Prime delivery
for a Jay Arondekar.
Mm, prime indeed.
Must be those new tile
samples for the restaurant.
What the ? It's a ketchup explosion.
(CHUCKLES) You can
just leave that there.
Yeah, that man's calling the police.
Just when things were actually
starting to go well with my dad.
I don't see what the
big deal is, Samantha.
So they sleep in separate
beds for a couple of nights.
When I was alive, only
the poors shared a bed.
Should we be worried about plague here?
I really don't like that I
have to worry about plague.
I think you got to cave in to
Patience's demands here, Sam.
I mean, she's holding all the cards.
The main card being blood on the walls.
Mm. I told y'all we should have
left her spooky ass in the dirt.
Okay, I guess I'll just tell my dad
he can't share a room
with his girlfriend.
Everything's gonna be fine.
But if it doesn't work out, it's okay,
because I'll be your daddy.
- Pete!
- I think you meant to say "Daddy."
So, I tried talking to Nigel,
and I couldn't bring myself
to ask him to move out.
Is hard to hurt another.
Emotionally. Physically is very easy.
Yeah. Thor and I were
gonna let Nancy know
that we broke up with her,
but then we just couldn't
bring ourselves to do it.
Unless we did do it. Did we?
- Still no.
- Dang.
Hold on. T-Money's got an idea.
Is it for a new nickname?
(LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. You're-you're trying to help.
There was a movie, Throw
Momma from the Train.
One guy wanted his mom dead,
the other one wanted his ex-wife killed.
So, they just solved
each other's problems.
It's brilliant.
I care not a lick about that
basement dweller's feelings.
I could break up with her
for you without hesitation.
And Thor happy to evict Nigel.
Have forced many from their homes.
And let's be honest.
His accent is kind of stupid, right?
So it's agreed.
We shall throw each other's
mamas from the train.
Huzzah!
- Skol!
- Right on.
T-Money saves the day.
(LAUGHING) : I mean, it's
just, it's been 25 years.
If a nickname hasn't
caught on by then
But you know what? I'm-I'm sorry.
You are helping me,
and I thank you.
SAMANTHA: Knock, knock.
- Hey, sweetie. How's it going?
- Great.
- Everything is great.
- We're so happy you're here.
So happy.
Do not tarry, Samantha. Tell them.
So, listen, uh, we have good news.
We are upgrading both
of you to our exclusive,
premium Woodstone two-room experience.
(IMITATES AIR HORN BLARING)
- Oh, that sounds nice.
- Mmm.
Yeah. What is that?
You see, when the mansion was built,
the couple who owned it
slept in separate bedrooms,
as all well-to-do
people did in their day.
We were wealthy.
I had a dress with a zipper in it.
So, in Hetty and Elias's honor,
Woodstone is offering
a two-room experience.
So that you, too, can live like
it's the Gilded Age. (CHUCKLES)
I think we're, uh, we're
good with just the one room.
I will not countenance sin taking place
in the home in which I dwell!
- (HISSING)
- Stand back! She's gonna spurt!
HETTY: Patience, no!
These walls are made from
plaster imported from Italy.
Was it better than American?
No, but that's how rich we were.
- I had a gold hat.
- SAMANTHA: The truth is,
you and Diane can't sleep
in the same room because
Jay has become deeply conservative
- and doesn't think it's appropriate.
- What?
That's right.
I used to be a freewheeling,
anything-goes chef in the city,
but, uh, oh, that country air
it's turned me into a big prude.
Sam, do you have a problem
with me dating Diane?
No. No, I don't.
- 'Cause I thought you'd outgrown all that.
- I have.
This is ridiculous. I'm 61 years old.
Man, Frank's got to have it.
Listen, this is not a big deal.
Sam, this is your home
and these are your rules,
- and we respect them.
- Thank you, Diane.
It's only a couple of nights.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
And thus, two sinners saved
from the thorny vines of lust
that snake up from the underworld.
You are exhausting.
Uh (CLEARS THROAT)
Nancy, may I have a moment?
Uh, I have something
rather delicate to discuss.
We have something to talk about
that could be a bit of a bummer.
Nothing you could say could
sink me any lower. Proceed.
Well, I just want to
start off by saying that
you'll always be very
important to Thor and Flower.
Where is this headed?
Thing is, we have loved
having you in house.
Oh, dear. Where is this headed?
Well, this shan't be easy to hear,
but the throuple is over.
Thor and Flower will
continue to be a couple,
but they will always cherish
the time you all shared.
You sniveling, spineless snake!
You're mad at me?
Yeah. You're the messenger, you idiot.
That's what you do.
You shoot the messenger!
The thing is
we just like having you
here and wanted to tell you.
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Yes!
Well, that's certainly a boost to
the spirit in a very tough time.
It's just good to know
I'm wanted. (CHUCKLES)
At least from some quarters.
- (LAUGHS) Oh.
- Oh!
(SIGHS)
Unhand me! (GRUNTING)
Ow!
I'm merely the messenger!
(YELLING)
♪
(GASPS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
Patience.
What the hell is this? Is
that supposed to be funny?
No. God, no. Um
She can write in blood?
This power just keeps getting cooler.
I mean, it's still no humming.
Stop.
Some of that goo dripped
down onto my slippers. Look.
Goo on her frog slippers.
Y-You happy, Sam?
Seriously, I can explain.
Great. I'd love to hear it.
SASAPPIS: And now she's
realizing how it's gonna sound
if she blames it on a ghost again.
- She's the girl who cried "ghost."
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, you know, it's a stain.
Yeah, it's always been there.
It says "sin" in blood.
It's an extremely legible stain.
- 'Twas trying to write "sinners "
- (GASPS)
but I ran out of blood.
Did anyone see her come in?
Oh, I know exactly what's going on.
You thought it'd be funny
to pull a stunt on one
of my girlfriends again,
just like when you were a kid.
This whole thing is weird.
Why don't you start
packing your stuff, Diane.
We're gonna check out and leave.
- Yeah, just check out and leave. Typical.
- Babe, it's okay.
What does that mean?
SAMANTHA: It means
that's what you always do.
Just like you did after
you and Mom split up.
I'm used to it. I'll see you
in another four years, I guess.
PETE: It's okay, Sam.
Daddy's here! Daddy's here!
ISAAC: You didn't
tell Nigel to move out?
We were going to tell him.
But when face with reality,
it seemed unpleasant.
Yes, that's the point!
Throwing a mama from a train
isn't meant to be a pleasant experience.
I've been betrayed worse
than when Benedict Arnold
refused to return my favorite lantern,
which was very out of character for him
because normally he
was quite trustworthy.
Oh, you died before the
whole Benedict Arnold thing.
I just told you about the whole
Benedict Arnold thing. Are you simple?
Why don't you talk to
Nigel yourself, Isaac?
Because I don't want him to hate me
any more than he already does.
So then just be okay with him being here
and you being uncomfortable about it.
Well, I don't like that either.
So you want to have your
cake and eat it, too?
Yes. I want to sign up for that option.
Well, honey, that's not how breakups go.
You can't have it both ways.
Sometimes, you just
have to be the bad guy.
Maybe it's your turn to
take the bullet this time.
Nope, it's not ketchup.
Ugh. I'm gonna be sick.
Well, I guess we'll find out if
Jay's plague fears were well-founded.
Are you okay?
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, Sam's right.
I haven't been around
much since the divorce.
I mean, it's no excuse,
but part of the reason is because
Sam's mom Sheryl didn't want me to be.
- Did she tell you that?
- (SCOFFS)
In no uncertain terms.
I mean, of course I wanted to, you know,
be there for things.
Like, Sam had this recital (SIGHS)
in fifth grade,
and she was so excited.
Sheryl basically told
me, if I showed up,
she'd make a scene.
I didn't want that for Sam, so I
backed away.
- 'Tis a sad story.
- (GASPS)
Why are you so quiet?
DIANE: Oh, Frank.
Does Samantha know any of this?
I didn't want to turn
her against her mom.
You know, she needed her mom.
So, no, I never said anything.
SASAPPIS: And after your mom
died, he wanted to get close again,
but he worried that
he had already damaged
the relationship too much.
There were tears.
Then Diane took out a handkerchief
that looked like a little lily pad.
Jay, the ghosts are telling
me that my dad pulled away
when I was a kid because
my mom basically made him.
Wow. (SCOFFS) That's
kind of messed up of her.
He didn't have to listen to her, though.
And what about once I
was out of the house?
I mean, it doesn't
explain away all that.
You're right, it doesn't,
but sometimes it's
hard to change course.
Maybe this weekend was him trying.
That's true.
And it was going really well, huh?
Until the whole blood wall thing.
Yeah, well, if I had to pick a
turning point, that would be it.
HETTY: Samantha,
as ghosts we have had so
many frustrating moments
where you see two people wanting
the same thing and neither
of them realizing it.
And for so long, we couldn't intercede.
This is a gift.
Take this knowledge and act on it.
Also, Diane keeps tasting the blood.
You may want to have her contact her doc
when she gets back, do a full panel.
ISAAC: Hey, Nigel.
I wanted to discuss
our living situation.
I'm not sure it's a-a great idea
for us both to continue
living in the house.
I see.
And, um, I just don't
think it's healthy.
Perhaps you're right.
I will miss my new friends.
I spent so long hating the
so-called "mansion ghosts,"
but during my time here, I've
come to see them as family
and the rock that has steadied me
during these darkest of days.
But if move out I must
What? Who said anything about that?
You. Just now.
No. (LAUGHS) No, you silly little man.
I'm the one that's moving out.
To the shed.
That's quite the gesture.
Oh, my gosh, it is.
(GASPS) I'm becoming a better person.
I said I was gonna do it, but
I didn't really mean it, but
it's happening.
You seem quite pleased with yourself.
I am.
(STAMMERS) Are you good?
I mean, are we done here?
Because I really want to go tell people.
Uh, yes, I-I suppose I
Oh, great.
Everyone, I'm moving out
because of a hero move!
I'm a good person now!
Hey, uh, Dad.
Before you go,
I just want to apologize
for the "writing 'Sin' in a blood-like
substance on the wall" thing.
It doesn't get less
weird with repetition.
Well, I appreciate the apology.
I just don't understand why you did it.
- It's a fair question.
- SAMANTHA: I think I'm realizing that (SIGHS)
when I cut that one girlfriend's hair,
and now the whole blood thing,
I was trying to tell you I was
mad at you without telling you.
Yeah, well,
sometimes it's hard to say things.
Even when you really want to.
Aw.
But I'm also realizing that
I wasn't looking at things
from your perspective,
and things were probably
a lot more complicated than I knew.
I appreciate that, Sammy.
I guess what I'm saying
is I want us to be closer.
I'd like that, too.
Diane, we're staying!
(LAUGHS)
- They're staying?
- (GASPS)
But they're still living in sin.
Uh, actually, they got married
in the car. You just missed it.
How wonderful.
Well, they should head
to the matrimonial bed
and multiply forthwith.
It's really all or
nothing with you, isn't it?
Hey, uh, Dad?
I have an idea of something
I'd like us to do this afternoon.
Anything, sweetheart.
(PLAYING "HOT CROSS BUNS")
Music? This is an abomination.
I'm with you on that one, Patience.
Whew.
Okay, Isaac, I know you didn't like
the tiles we showed you last week,
but we really think this new one is it.
Ooh, that's an idea. A bad one.
But good to eliminate one
more. We're getting closer.
He said no, Jay.
This guy's the worst.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Good thing Prime is fast.
In my day, new samples
would take months to arrive.
And were often stolen by pirates,
which made returns quite difficult.
Anyway, I'm off. Back to the shed,
where I live now
because of my good deed.
Yeah, you mention several times.
Yeah, about that good deed, Isaac
Oh, Nigel, no need to thank me again.
I know you're grateful.
Right. The thing is,
I'm actually going
to return to the shed.
You can move back here to the mansion.
Really? I don't understand.
I was approached by
my former shed mates.
They don't want you
living there anymore.
What? Why?
Do I feel better now that I'm
a good person? I don't know.
I sleep better, I can
tell you that. (CHUCKLES)
Now, you might be asking yourself,
"How do I become a good person?"
Here's a tip:
watch me.
Study. Learn. Improve.