Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e02 Episode Script

1 [GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh - [FRANKIE.]
Grace? Grace? - [SIGHS.]
Ah.
[PANTING.]
- She is not who you think she is! - Who? Sheree.
She's a grifter.
What are you talking about? Here's what she can do with her three-year lease! What the hell? Frankie! I was just up in my excuse me, Sheree's studio, the new decor of which I have a lot of questions about, but that's for another time.
What were you doing in her studio? What I do best.
Getting buzzed and outing your roommate.
She is not gay.
But you are buzzed.
No, she's a grifter, a con, a mack daddy, a bag bitch.
Frankie, she's a manicurist.
How do you know that? Because she paints my nails! And did you know she's also trying to steal her dead husband's house from her stepkids? She doesn't have stepkids.
You know who talks like that, Grace? A mark, a rube, a patsy, a stooge, a mugu.
That last one is made up.
Just what a mugu would say.
And for your information, she does have stepchildren.
This is none of your business.
You're my business.
She's not to be trusted.
I've got the goods on her! [BUD.]
Let's go! Let's go! The games are about to begin! Let it go, Frankie.
Is this really what you want to be doing right now? Shouldn't you be wanting to know the sex of your first grandchild? I can multitask.
You can't.
You're famous for not being able to multitask.
You can't even task.
I'm sorry, I was thinking about the other thing.
What did you say? Mm.
Mm.
If I wasn't already pregnant with Bud's baby, I'd want to give birth to Sheree's muffins.
They are good.
You had one? I did not have "one.
" - Ready? - Let's do this.
Okay! Today, we all get to find out the gender of our baby.
If a placenta is involved, I'm out.
- No, that's the placenta planting party.
- I'm not going to that one.
- Yeah, I've got a thing, too.
- I can make it.
Let's get on with it, people! I said that way too loudly! Welcome to the scaven-gender hunt.
[CHUCKLES.]
That was good.
Thank you, Barry.
The game: You get a riddle.
When you figure it out, it becomes a clue, which takes you to an object, which becomes another riddle, which will take you to the last clue, which will take you to the last object, which has the answer to the big question.
Or we could just call your doctor and find out.
Allison, what's your last name? Giampietro-Smikowitz.
- Perfect.
- But it won't work.
Our doctor respects the hunt.
We set up a safe word.
Any other questions? What's the safe word? Grifter.
Now, here's the most important part.
We don't know the sex either, so we don't get to find out until you all do.
- Okay? You ready? - Yeah! - Let's do this! Allison? - Okay.
All right.
"Why is" "the baby strawberry crying?" Oh, dear lord.
Because she had to play this stupid game? This is way fun.
Because you're good at solving riddles.
I know, but it's because there's tons of them in Highlights.
I've been training for this my whole life.
And where are you going? Tears are salty, so maybe it's on the beach.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah! - Can you tone down the enthusiasm? - Okay.
Come on, Robert.
I'll help you up.
No, this is a young man's game.
You go.
Do you know where there are strawberries? Not in the studio.
- The studio, you say.
Interesting.
- You are not going there.
Fine.
After seeing the decor, my retinas need a rest anyway.
And besides, I have the names of her stepkids, and I can just call Arnold and Patricia.
You are not calling anyone.
You are not the boss of my calls.
We agreed after the last phone bill that I am the boss of your calls.
[QUIETLY GROWLS.]
How's the anger coming? Mm, going down smooth.
Look, you have a little tiny scowl.
Don't break that.
Sheree worked very hard on me.
Did Frankie tell you what we found out about her? It's pretty juicy.
What did she find out? Well, why don't you ask her yourself and enjoy the Miss Marple gibberish that comes out of her mouth.
I don't know, Mom.
We read some really fucked up stuff.
And I just have to say I need a grilled cheese.
And I mean, right now.
If you tell me what's going on, I will make you a grilled cheese.
There's no time.
Why don't you take after your mother and drink instead of smoking doobies with your burnout Aunt Frankie? All I'm saying is that I would want to know about my roommate before I signed a lease with her.
What is this so-called fucked up stuff you two found? Exactly.
What is it? What are we? Who are you? Who am I? And who is Sheree? Jeez.
Jam.
What? The baby strawberry was crying because its parents were in a jam.
- What? - Do I need to go tell someone? That dumb game? Oh, who cares? - Good morning.
- Do we know what the sex is? Not even close.
Good night.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, boy.
Looks like it's sneakers, not slippers, tonight.
John and his friends are going back to the mall.
They want to make some noise during closing time.
And get some See's candy.
No, I can't.
I mean, yes to the candy, but no to the rest of it.
What are you talking about? I'm not sure I can do this anymore.
But this is our thing now.
It's been our thing for the last six months.
Maybe we need a new thing.
I thought you liked it.
I did, in the beginning.
But I love being out there on the front line with you.
It's energizing, it's exciting.
I thought it was making us feel closer.
Yes, but it's also making me feel closer to death.
You don't mean that.
Honey, I have not been able to feel my feet for three weeks.
I don't even know if they're still there.
Are they still there? Yes, they're still there.
Put them here.
Oh, yes.
I'll even buy you a chocolate lolly.
You'll be fine.
I'll be fine because I won't be going with you tonight.
Are you okay with that? Yeah, sure.
Mm.
You're hurting me.
Right.
Um Ow.
How was your flight? It was good until one of the engines caught fire and we had to do an emergency landing in Ontario.
You're in Canada? San Bernardino.
I rented a car, so I'm going to be even later.
Well, just get here safely.
Well, I'll try, but all the rental company had left was a car made in the former Yugoslavia called an "85 Tibor.
" - Oh, fancy.
- Very.
The guy says it runs fine as long as I don't drive more than 40 hectares without tightening the bolts.
But you're 30,000 hectares away! And what - Hey! - [DISCONNECT TONE.]
Frankie? [MAN OVER PA.]
Mrs.
Davis, please report to the courtesy van.
- Who were you talking to? - Jacob! Not Sheree's stepkids? How can I talk to people who don't exist? But it's never stopped you before.
Okay, first things first, when Jacob gets here, you need to tell him that you're the one who hung up on him and it wasn't my earring this time.
And B, give me my phone back.
Yeah, so you can call Arnold and Patricia? I don't need to call anyone.
I'm blowing this thing up from the inside.
Ooh "What the hell does that mean?" Oh, you'll find out.
- [CLATTERS.]
- God damn it.
- Mm.
- Oh, God.
Apricot.
Strawberry.
What's it say? "What is brown and sticky?" Ew.
Brown and sticky Brown and sticky Brown and sticky - Don't overthink it.
- Where are the grown-ups? Why are we the only ones pretending to care about this? It's a stick! Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Barry, where have you been? You missed the next clue! It's "stick"! - I don't know what that means.
- Correct.
Actually, I was just on the phone with Lauren from Natural Faces.
Oh.
Well, what did Bore-en from Natural Feces have to say? She said, "You got the job.
" Oh Well.
Oh, did she low-ball you? How low did her balls go? Actually, it's more money than you paid me.
[CHUCKLES.]
By a lot.
- She's good.
- Do you want me not to take it? I love that you even asked me that question.
- Take it.
- Really? Yeah.
It's a good job, and you should have one of those.
Although, if they call me for a reference, I'm gonna have to tell them that you fucked your boss.
Where'd you find it? In a dog's mouth.
Here's the clue.
You guys ready? "At a wedding, you share me.
In a urinal, you pee on me.
What am I?" That is a horrible, horrible riddle.
It's the last clue.
We went big.
What do you share at a wedding? The garter? The dance floor? Porridge! I went to a wedding once where we all shared porridge.
They're divorced now.
[GRACE CHUCKLES.]
Cake.
Is it cake? Ha-ha! It's cake? - The answer is cake? - But where's the boy or girl part? Well, let's cut the cake and find out.
Oh! This is a horrible, horrible party.
Hey.
So, now that I have a clearer head and a belly full of grilled cheese parts, I just want to say I'm proud of you that you got the job.
I don't want you to take it because it's gonna make me crazy.
- And you don't want to do that.
- No, I don't.
Good.
But I already took the job.
Oh.
You told me to take the job.
Okay.
Yeah, but I was hoping you would know that what I told you was the complete opposite of what I was telling you.
I told you that I hate her.
I told you that she's my nemesis.
Because you both wore a purple shirt? It was a yellow skirt.
And that's not why I hate her.
Do you know that she said in an article that the only reason I got my job was because my mother feels sorry for me? What? That's awful.
Now I hate her, too.
You really should have told me that.
Only if I wanted you to do what I really wanted you to do and not what I said I wanted you to do.
Okay, now I'm lost again.
Look, do you want me to un-take the job? No.
Well, yes.
No.
I'm not going to ask you to do that.
Take the job if you're okay with working for someone that I hate.
I can probably make that work.
Congratulations.
Well, thank you.
Can you put on the yellow skirt later? Will you put the purple shirt on? And together we can be a Laker girl? [CHUCKLES.]
Cake.
Cake.
Cake.
- Blue cake - Boy.
- And pink cake - Girl.
We get it! Come on, rip that fucker open! Okay.
All right.
[ALL.]
Oh.
Huh.
- It's the color of my shirt.
- Is it bluish pink or pinkish blue? Yes.
Cut another slice.
Maybe natural light will help.
It still looks purple to me.
Hey, all.
So sorry I'm late.
[FRANKIE.]
Oh, Jacob.
You're here! What gender is this? Uh I'll call my doctor.
Although I'm not sure I can remember what the safe word is.
Why do I feel like it's "grifter"? I'm sorry.
I blew it.
I promised to throw you all an amazing party, and I nailed it up until this moment.
What's amazing is you're having a baby! And it doesn't matter what he/she is.
He/she's yours.
And when he/she is on his/her way, you better call me so that I/she can get here in time.
- Mom, I promise you won't miss anything.
- Aw.
Hey, do I get a prize because I solved the most riddles? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Of course.
- I do? - Come on, yeah.
- I get a prize! You know what you get? The better part of a dozen eggs! - [ALL LAUGH.]
- Ah! Oh! - The brown kind.
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks for the lift.
Anytime.
Hey, take your eggs.
Oh.
Hey, my egg holder only has room for two eggs.
Do you mind storing the rest in your normal-sized fridge? - Sure.
I will take them to my apartment.
- Awesome.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Have a good night.
- You, too.
Whoa.
Huh.
It's like a shiny penis.
[COYOTE CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
Seeing that can't be easy.
It's not.
It's infuriating.
As a matter of fact Um [LAUGHS.]
That feels really, really, really, really good.
[GRUNTS.]
Hmm.
See you later, Coyote.
See you, Mal.
- Oh! - [METAL CRUNCHING.]
Oh, shit! Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Shit.
You got egg on your car.
Yep, thank you.
- Oh, I love it.
- Isn't it great? And it's like a real backseat, too.
Frankie! Come check out my new baby.
You got a Muppet car.
What will Fozzie Bear drive now? Wocka-wocka.
Oh, no, it's not pre-owned.
Huh.
A brand new car's in your budget.
Well, Grace co-hosted the loan for me.
Oh, really? You co-signed her loan? She just needed my signature.
It didn't cost me anything.
Unless she defaults.
Oh, no, don't blame Grace.
Default's all mine.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, God help us.
Would you step out of the way so Sheree can go to work? Right, so she can pay for this car you co-hosted.
Frankie I'm just saying, what do you really know about her? What does anybody really know about you? Well, I'm two Cinnabons away from getting a free Cinnabon.
You're good at getting things for free, aren't you? Frankie, you're crossing the line.
I know it's a little weird having me here, and I don't think you like me very much, but I'm gonna change your mind.
[SHEREE.]
Bye! Change my mind or change my will? How about you change your whole thing? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Are you going to knock it off? Not until all these bottles are empty.
You know what I'm talking about.
The way you spoke to Sheree out there was terrible.
You've been going after her from the moment you arrived here.
I've been going after her since there's a reason to be after her! She lied about her stepkids, she got you to co-sign a loan Oh, stop it.
You should be thanking her for taking such good care of your best friend.
She cooks you cheddar biscuits and keeps your cuticles back! How is that taking care of you? Well, I'll tell you how.
When you went off to Santa Fe, I was miserable.
I have never been so lonely, and it sucked.
And then Sheree came here and brought life to this house.
Why didn't you tell me it was so bad? Well, because you were going off with Jacob to be happy in your life.
And I accepted that.
But you can't now turn around and be mad at me for being happy in mine.
I'm not mad about you being happy in La Jolla.
I want you to be happy.
Well, then, what's going on? I'm not happy in Santa Fe! What? I'd hoped I'd said that silently in my mouth.
But now that it's out in the world shit's about to get real.
I fucking hate Santa Fe! I hate the snakes, the heat, the snakes! Everybody's an artist with long, gray hair and balloon pants and has an adopted black son.
I blend right in! I've been lonely.
But you have Jacob.
And I love Jacob.
And I'm not lonely when it's just the two of us.
But he has his family there, and they're like so connected.
It makes me miss my family.
And I miss being able to witness that miracle of life growing in Allison even though it has no legal rights yet.
And I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I want to come back.
Whoa, that's big.
I know.
Don't you think you need to talk to Jacob? Don't you think you it would be nice if you did it for me? I'll do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
But first, you need to do something for me.
We need to talk.
What are you doing with those? We're asking the questions here, lady.
Grace, ask her some questions.
No.
I'm the one asking questions.
How could you have taken those? Did you invade my privacy? Did you steal them? You lied to me.
Because it's none of your business.
Well, now that she's co-signed your loan, I think the fact that you're trying to steal your stepchildren's house is her business! Is that what you think is going on? Because I'm not trying to steal anything.
- We read the depositions.
- Yeah.
Okay, so then did you read about how those kids didn't show up for the four years their father was sick? Or did you miss that? Or how they couldn't line up fast enough for the reading of his will? And how I came home one day and they'd locked me out of my own house? - We - did not get that far.
If you're gonna snoop, girls, do it thoroughly.
He bought that house for us.
I cannot believe his kids did that to you.
Oh, I stood on the lawn that day, surrounded by my clothes and nail polish and old dog bowls, and all I could think was, "I'm homeless.
" How could I end up homeless? I've worked my whole life, I fell in love, I took care of my husband, and yet, there I was with no place to go until Grace invited me here.
Frankie? You said you wanted to talk? It was, like, 45 minutes ago.
I'm guessing it's not urgent.
Uh [SIGHS.]
You know I love you, right? I mean, I say it, you know, a lot.
So, you could argue it loses its meaning.
But it doesn't.
I love you.
Are you breaking up with me? No.
No.
God, no, no, no.
Uh I'm breaking up with Santa Fe.
I hate it there.
I shouldn't have hidden that from you.
You didn't hide it that well.
Like the time I asked you what you wanted for dinner and you said, "Not Santa Fe.
" I thought you missed that.
Why weren't you straight with me? Because I knew it would lead to this conversation.
And I just kept hoping that I would get used to it.
But you didn't.
No.
And somehow attending the third-worst gender reveal party ever only revealed how much I miss home.
So now what? I don't know.
I think it's your call.
Long distance is brutal.
But if we don't even try, I don't want to think about what that means.
How can we do this? We could Skype-Face once I learn how.
I could come down every three-day weekend, which, as far as I'm concerned, is every weekend.
We don't have to live together to love each other.
That's true.
I'm scared.
It's scary.
I do love you.
I love you, too.
As Captain and Tennille said, "Love will keep us together.
" Until they got divorced.
They did? Oh, my God.
I should call her.
You okay? Yep.
You missed a good one! You hungry? I made you a plate.
I'm famished, thank you.
You want something to drink? I can get it.
- [BOTTLES CLANK.]
- Help me! Oh, my God.
Honey, what happened? - I don't know! - Here, I got you.
I was doing my trademark double-fisted sign twirl when something went very, very awry.
Well, thank God you didn't get arrested.
I almost did, but the cop felt bad for me when I couldn't stop crying.
[SIGHS.]
I am so in awe of your commitment to doing something good every single day.
Every single day.
But maybe this is just too much for your body, too.
Our bodies may not be at their best, but our minds, Robert our minds are not that great either.
You're only bolstering my argument.
But we must resist now more than ever.
Sol, let me ask you a question.
If you were a surgeon and your hands started to shake, would you give up surgery? Of course, but And if you were a taxi driver and you started to go blind, would you stop driving? - Not if I drove in New York.
- Sol.
Robert, it's all I've got to do.
You feel it's killing you to do this? I think it would kill me if I stop.
Then don't stop.
Just find a less back-destroying way to protest.
Or better yet, take a break.
And do what? Well, we've been doing your thing for six months, why don't you try doing mine? You know, I'm assistant directing The Music Man.
You could be the assistant to the assistant director.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Although it does sound prestigious.
Just to be clear, I cannot officially offer you that position.
- Oh.
- [OVEN DINGS.]
Excuse me.
I'm sorry for Santa Fe and for Jacob, but Ah.
[SIGHS.]
I'm happy you're coming home to me.
Me, too.
Was Santa Fe really that bad? You ever reach into one of your pockets and think, "Oh, boy, licorice!" But then it's a snake? Because I have.
Well, that's why I don't buy things with voluminous pockets.
- Ah-ha.
Is that why? - No.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
May I join you? Of course.
Hi.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, nothing like dipping your feet in some good CO2.
Yeah.
So, since you're moving back, if you just give me a little time to find a place, I'll be out of your hair.
- Oh - What are you talking about? This is your home.
Just because I don't have mine doesn't mean But where would you go? It's not like you can shrink yourself and live in your tiny village.
Yet.
That technology is on the horizon.
We just have to wait it out.
But in the meantime Stay with us.
Do you two know how lucky you are to have each other? Yeah, I think we do.
- I'm lucky.
I'm really lucky.
- [MOUTHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I had a lot of girlfriends in my life, but I've never had a Grace or a Frankie.
Well, now you have both.
And we're going to get your house back from those rotten kids.
- We are? - Yes, we are.
- Right? - Right.
Wait, how big are they? Love Love will keep us together Think of me, babe, whenever Some sweet-talking girl comes along Singing a song Don't mess around You just gotta be strong Just stop 'Cause I really love you Stop I've been thinking of you Look in my heart And let love keep us together You You belong to me now Ain't gonna set you free now [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.