Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e02 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Did you bring the radio homing device with you? Yes, I have it.
Good.
Underground has a man ready to take it to the Allies.
Drop it in my bag under the table.
No, I can't.
That's the way we've done it before.
I took it from the model they are testing Saturday.
If it's missing, the Gestapo will round up every man in my department.
Major Lutz, what will we do? This time, you must get me out of Germany.
I'll take the homing device to England myself.
But we can't get you out.
Every man in your department is being watched by the Gestapo.
You told me that yourself.
It's true.
My man is sitting at the bar keeping an eye on me.
See him? I'll have to talk to my contact.
He may have an idea of how to get you out.
If I don't hear from you by Friday, I'll have to put it back in the rocket.
You'll hear from me, Major.
Good.
By the way, Fraulein Finster, I've been meaning to ask you.
What is your first name? Lila.
Lila.
That's a pretty name.
I can understand the importance of getting this Major Lutz to England, but I don't know about using the tunnel.
It's the only way.
The Gestapo is watching him all the time.
If he came to a prison camp on some official business, to get the major into the camp? No.
We thought you might have an idea.
It's not like inviting somebody to a birthday party.
I know it will be difficult, and we must get him out of Germany no later than Saturday morning.
You say this Major Lutz is an expert in electronics? Yes.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
Oh, that's good.
No, I always say that when I can't think of a thing.
Hello, hello, hello.
What have we got here, then? Yeah, let me see.
It's bigger than a bread box.
Is it a big bread box? Guess again.
It's a big flashlight.
It's my own design.
It's a rabbit trap.
That was my next guess.
What do you want a rabbit for? He never tasted hasenpfeffer.
I promised to make it.
The recipe calls for a rabbit.
Uh-huh.
I know this is a ridiculous question, Carter, but how does it work? Yeah.
I'll show you.
Oh, good.
NEWKIRK: This'll be rich.
Watch.
This is the rabbit.
Sure it is.
Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hip.
Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hop.
He sees the trap.
What is this? Even the bloody rabbit doesn't know what it is.
Shall I look inside? It looks harmless.
I don't know about the trap, but the story you're telling would make a great movie.
Maybe I'll take a little look.
Yeah, yeah-- go ahead.
Look at the door.
Room for my tender little ears to get in without getting bruised.
Oh, boy.
I'll take one quick look.
No, don't do it, it's a trap! ( alarm beeping rhythmically ) ( alarm stops ) What do you think? Well, let me put it this way, Carter.
If we were fighting rabbits, the war would be over right now.
What is the whistle for? CARTER: That let's me know if I caught a rabbit.
Or somebody's hat.
I don't know what to use for bait? What do rabbits like best? Other rabbits.
HOGAN: All right, look-- no excuses.
How much longer is it going to take to finish this gonculator? Well, we're having a lot of trouble getting the parts, sir.
You see, we've got to attach the wiring relays to the rheostat, so that the merkle jammers won't receive any electronic interference.
Look, I want results.
This thing has got to be finished by Oh, hi, Schultz.
LeBEAU: Oh, hi, Schultz! What did you bring us today, huh? Hmm What do you got there? What are you hiding? Nothing, why, uh we're not hiding anything, Schultz.
It's a, uh, uh Back, back, back, back! You call that nothing? Well, it's a it's a Yes, Colonel Hogan? That's a rabbit trap, right fellas? Yeah.
A big fat rabbit trap.
Your basic rabbit trap.
A rabbit trap.
Right.
Sure-- give me your hat, I'll show you how it works.
Never mind, Carter.
Oh, yes, of course.
( chuckling ): It's a uh a rabbit trap.
Well I think I'll take a little nap.
That's a very good idea, Schultzy.
I don't know whether this thing'll get a rabbit, but it sure works great with pigeons.
Schultz, I left strict instructions not to be disturbed.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But I was waiting outside for two hours and I have something very important to report.
More important than all this paperwork I'm doing here? Well, I Is it so important that it cannot wait until tomorrow? Well, I Because, you see, this can't! The general's staff is waiting to find out how many paper napkins we use.
They can't go on with the war until they find that out.
Dismissed.
Ha.
Colonel Klink Hogan, whatever it is, it will have to wait until tomorrow.
I'm too busy.
Is that what you want me to tell the men? You're busy? Is that all it means to you? What are you talking about? Well, fine.
I'll tell them that the insult to you, which they are taking personally, isn't bothering you at all-- you, the man they consider a legend, is taking it all very calmly.
Hogan, wait! What am I taking so calmly? What insult? I'm talking about the honor that's been paid to Stalag 19 while we here at Stalag 13 are being ignored.
What honor? You mean you Colonel Klink, I'm sorry.
I should have realized you knew nothing about it.
Hogan, will you please come to the point? Well, you know Major Lutz, your well-known electronics expert? Major Lutz? Oh, yes, that Major Lutz.
Of course.
What about him? Well, the major's perfected a new electronic prisoner-escape device.
It's being installed in Stalag 19.
Why them and not us? I don't believe it.
He wouldn't do that to me.
Why, may I ask, has Major Lutz been spending the last four days at Stalag 19? That's outrageous.
Our camp has a much higher rating than theirs.
I suppose you're going to do something about it, sir? Yes, and right away.
No! I'll have to wait until tomorrow.
First I have to finish all this paperwork.
It never ends! Eight copies to every report.
Then another copy for the fireproof vault.
Then another copy in case there is a fire in the fireproof vault.
That's what I call efficiency.
You know, I used to have the same problem when I was at the Pentagon.
I finally figured a way to lick it and never did any paperwork after that.
What did you do? Oh, I, uh, thought of the most common name I could think of and marked all the papers "To the attention of Colonel John Smith" and just sent it on.
You expect me to write, "Attention Colonel John Smith," and have someone in the Pentagon do my work? Glad to see you haven't lost your old sense of humor, sir.
Naturally in your case, you'd mark it to the attention of Colonel Johann Schmidt.
There must be thousands of guys that have that name in your army.
That would be cheating.
We don't do things like that in our army.
It's just an idea.
And not a very good one.
Dismissed.
"Attention Colonel Johann Schmidt.
" "Attention Colonel Johann Schmidt.
" "Attention Colonel Johann Schmidt.
" ( humming ) ( knock at door ) Come in, come in, come in.
Ah, Sergeant Schultz, come in.
What a pleasure to see you.
Herr Kommandant, I wish to make a report.
Oh, yes, that matter that was so urgent.
Go on, go on.
While making my regular barracks inspection, I found everything in order in barrack one, three and four.
But in barrack two ( telephone rings ) Colonel Klink speaking.
Klink, this is General Burkhalter.
General Burkhalter, what a pleasure to hear from you.
I was just saying the other day at the officer's club, I was saying, "We never see the general anymore.
" You know the club does not seem the same without you, sir.
Klink, shut up.
Yes, sir.
I'll be over later for an inspection.
Have everything ready.
I don't want to spend any more time there than I have to.
I understand sir.
A word to the wise.
I wouldn't call it that.
No, sir.
Oh, by the way, sir, I was just wondering.
Why did Stalag 19 get the electronic prisoner-escape device and we didn't? I mean, after all, the record of our camp is much better than theirs.
I don't know anything about it, but if they got it and you didn't, it must be because they have had escapes and you haven't.
That's exactly the way I felt-- a great compliment.
Good-bye.
That Hogan, why do I always listen to him? SCHULTZ ( over speaker ): Herr Kommandant, may I go on with my report? KLINK ( over speaker ): Oh, yes, go on, Schultz, tell me what's so important.
Who wants to listen Wait a minute, wait a minute-- let's listen.
In barracks two, I made a big discovery.
Colonel Hogan and his men were building a uh a gonculator.
A what? A gon-cu-la-tor.
Go on.
Colonel Hogan was very angry with his men because it took them so long.
Something was said about wiring relays in rheostats and merkle jammers and electronic interference.
The men acted very guilty when they saw me.
They told me it was a rabbit trap.
I acted very stupid, and not to make them suspicious, I pretended I believed the story.
A gonculator, huh? I saw it with my own eyes.
Kinch, give me all the spare parts you have for that radio.
Anything in particular, Colonel? Everything, and I'm not particular.
Right.
Are you sure it was a gonculator? No question about it.
Imagine the nerve of that Hogan thinking he can build a gonculator right under my nose.
Here they come.
HOGAN: Okay, places and watch the overacting.
SCHULTZ: Attention, everybody, Herr Kommandant is here! KLINK: Colonel Hogan, there will be an inspection later.
I want you to take your men and have them clean up the motor pool area.
I'd like to leave one man behind to sort of tidy up.
When I say all, I mean all.
All right, fellas, let's go.
( men grumbling ) SCHULTZ: Come on, let's go! Raus! Schnell! Are you sure it's here? It's got to be, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm.
Fresh sawdust.
Aha See, Herr Kommandant, I told you.
What do you think? It's a gonculator, all right.
It's, uh, uh not quite like ours.
Ours is, uh a little different, but there's no doubt about it, it's a gonculator.
Shall I smash it? No! I want General Burkhalter to see this first.
What kind of a surprise? I want you to find out for yourself, General Burkhalter.
Now, as you know, I keep a very close eye on everything that goes on in this camp.
No detail too small for me to observe.
I always say to myself, Klink, expect the unexpected.
Suspect the unsuspected.
And above all, I say Oh, another one of your headaches? Is there anything that you could take that would help? Yes, I can take my leave.
Now, Klink, show me the surprise you were talking about.
Yes, sir.
If you will come with me, please.
This way, sir.
What is it? A gonculator.
Hogan and his men are building one.
A gonculator? As you can see for yourself, it has many of the same features as ours.
Naturally not quite the same.
Of course not-- that's what had me fooled for a moment.
But it can be used for the same purpose.
But not quite as efficient as ours.
Even with the merkle jammer and the wiring relays with the rheostat.
Huh? How would you say this gonculator is basically different from ours? Oh, I-I wouldn't dream of pointing something out that you know far better than I do.
I suppose you're going to report this to the high command? Report? Klink, I want you to make the written report.
Oh, sir, I think that honor should go to you, my superior officer.
And as your superior officer, I order you to make the report.
General Burkhalter, may I suggest that we let Colonel Hogan finish this gonculator.
Then we seize it, and thus we have a working model of the American type? Good idea.
But we must keep an eye on Hogan every moment.
Oh, General Burkhalter, when it comes to Colonel Hogan, I can assure you I'm always one step ahead of him.
Ja.
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
They're still working on the gonculator.
Keep watching and report everything that happens.
He's still looking, isn't he? Like a ruddy hawk.
Hey, LeBeau, give us a light, will you? Herr Kommandant? The gonculator lights cigarettes.
Are you sure? I want to know every move they make.
Get me the supply depot.
( phone rings ) Captain Dingels, supply officer.
Yes, Colonel Klink.
Information about the gonculator? Well, of course I know what it is.
What, uh What model number did you want to know about? Oh Well, naturally, sir, we, uh we must have the model number.
Gen general information? Well uh Well, I'm sorry, sir.
The gonculator is classified "secret" and we are not allowed to give that information out.
Yes, sir.
( phone rings ) Captain Dingels, supply officer.
Yes, General Burkhalter.
You want to know about the gonculator? Well, I'm sorry, sir, the gonculator is classified "secret" and we are not allowed to give that information out.
Yes, sir.
Gonculator ( whispering ): Kinch? Got any more radio parts? No, we're fresh out.
But here's an old alarm clock I took apart.
Oh, good.
Hey, Colonel, where should I put this? Carter what difference does it make? Mm-hmm.
Anything new? They're still working on it, General.
Klink, it is very important that Hogan finish the gonculator.
Yes, General.
But we must find out how close it is to ours.
You know, ours is a classified secret.
Of course I know.
That's the very reason we want to see the American model.
( softly ): Did you get the German uniform? LeBEAU: It's in your office.
Okay, this is the time.
( loudly ): Ah, it's no use! We can't finish the gonculator.
But, Colonel, we can't give up now.
LeBEAU: Sure, it's almost done.
Who are we kidding-- we can only go so far.
Without the Lutz diagram, we might as well forget all about it.
NEWKIRK: Colonel, is the Lutz diagram so important? Newkirk, the Lutz diagram is the heart of the whole machine.
What's going on? They stopped working because they have not got the Lutz diagram.
Well, let's get it for them.
What is it? Lutz, Lutz-- where have I heard that name before? Oh, yes, Major Lutz, the electronics expert.
His name came up just the other day.
Major Lutz.
I'll get him here right away.
Major Lutz is on the way.
Good.
Hey, we did it again! ( softly ): Hold the celebration.
We still have to get him down in the tunnel and get that homing device back to England.
Colonel? You need Schultz any more? No, we're finished with him.
Right.
( whistling ) Oh, my goodness! Look what I've Schultz, what were you doing there anyway? Are you sure you have the right man? There are more important people in my department than I am.
Now, come now, don't be so modest.
We've heard a lot about you.
You have? And the Lutz diagram.
The Lutz diagram? Mm-hmm.
Who's that? He's from the Gestapo.
He's assigned to me because of the kind of work I do.
All the people in my department have our shadows.
I suppose we can't be too careful-- especially with things like the gonculator.
That what? The gonculator.
Never heard of it.
Oh, we understand your denying it.
It's a proper security procedure, but we know all about the gonculator.
There's one right here in this camp.
I don't know what you're talking about.
If we show you one, will you admit it? Naturally, sir.
I cannot deny something if I see it, whatever it is.
Oh, it isn't a "whatever it is.
" It is a gonculator.
KLINK: Here is your gonculator.
Schultz, bring it to the table.
( straining ) There is your gonculator.
It's not a gonculator.
It's a toy I made for my little niece Lila.
KLINK: Now, don't bother Major Lutz.
But I promised Lila I'd send it to her in England.
Look, Hogan, you're in enough trouble already.
You're just making it worse.
What was it you called this? A gonculator, Major.
Of course, it's quite different from our model, but Why am I telling you all this? You are the expert.
As you say, it's not like our German gonculator.
Not as good.
Of course not.
Ah, yes.
Still quite interesting.
Will someone please plug this in? Sergeant? Jawohl.
Be careful.
Klink, don't be an idiot-- this man is an expert.
( clicks gonculator on ) ( gonculator whirring and whistling ) Pull out the plug! Schultz, pull out the plug! Where's Major Lutz? Oh, no.
Is that all that is left of Major Lutz? Let us have a moment of silence to honor that brave man who gave his all for the Fatherland.
Here it is.
Good.
We have no time to waste.
They are waiting for us at the end of the tunnel.
I think I'd better go and explain to the Gestapo man what happened.
Yes, sir.
Poor Major Lutz.
Hogan, I'm going to throw the book at you.
What did I do? You know what-- you built an illegal gonculator.
Who's going to believe a bunch of prisoners of war would build a piece of equipment that can only be used in a submarine.
Submarine? I knew I should have called the navy.
But I am still going to report this to the Prisoner of War Commission of the High Command.
Fine.
Mark it to the attention of the officer in charge: Colonel Johann Schmidt.
Colonel Johann Schmidt? Perhaps we better forget it? Hogan, you will give me your word of honor that this will never happen again.
I promise I'll never make another gonculator.
Carter? How about repairing your rabbit trap.
We'll all help.
Nah, it's no use, Colonel, it's ruined.
Hey! Hey, the trap worked.
Hey, I got myself rabbit.
How about that? We're going to have that hasenpfeffer after all.
We got everything we need.
That's what you're going to be: hasenpfeffer.
Why's he looking at me like that? Well, Carter, how would you feel if someone just told you you were going to be hasenpfeffer? Okay.
Go home.
Hey, looks like he's found a home with us.
He likes us.
Let's keep it as a pet.
One rabbit won't be too much trouble, will it, Colonel? Carter, my boy, I must tell you the truth-- there is no such thing as one rabbit.