I Love Lucy (1951) s04e02 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Oh, no, no, now, Dorothy, please.
I want to do it for you.
It's the only way.
Now, look, you and Sam come over for dinner tonight and just leave the rest to me.
Oh, now, stop worrying about it.
We'll have him in the trap before he knows what hit him.
Yeah, well, you be here tonight at All right, bye-bye.
Who are you trapping, this time, Daniel Boone? Sam Carter, that fellow Dorothy Cooke's been going with for such a long time.
Oh, you mean she finally roped old slippery Sam? Well, she's got the noose around his neck.
All she wants us to do is help her tighten it.
Us? Yeah.
Oh, I don't know, I think I'm a little rusty.
It's been 25 years since I bagged fat Freddie.
Oh, nonsense.
Getting a man is just like swimming.
Once you learn, you never forget.
Anyway, I have a plan.
We are going to show Sam what it's like to be married.
First, I'm going to serve a delicious home-cooked meal, and then we'll all tiptoe in and take a look at the baby sleeping peacefully in his little crib.
And then we'll all come out here and sit around a big fire and listen to romantic music.
Oh, that'll be nice.
Won't it? Yeah.
When are you going to show him what it's like to be married? Now, Ethel.
Look, Ricky and I will be a wonderful example of a young married couple and you and Fred will be a wonderful example of an o oh.
You and Fred will be a wonderful example Yeah? Well, you and Fred will be a wonderful example of a young couple who have been married 25 years.
Oh.
And are still madly in love with each other.
Me and Fred?! Well, look, for tonight, fake it.
Okay, I'll try.
All right.
What's so special about tonight? She's had her hooks in Sam for three years.
I know it.
But he's leaving for California tomorrow morning.
This is her last chance to reel him in.
Tell me something, Cupid.
What? Does Ricky know about this? Of course not.
And there's no need to tell him either.
Look, the evening will be over, Sam will propose our mission will be accomplished and Ricky will never know he helped bring another bachelor to his knees.
Oh, hi, dear.
Hello, honey.
How's my little husband? Oh, not so good.
Oh, what's the matter? I got a awful headache.
Oh What's all that? Oh, I just thought we'd have a cozy little dinner.
Just the four of us? What did you do? Get a girlfriend for little Ricky? No, Dorothy and Sam are coming over.
Dorothy and Sam who? You know.
Oh, you mean Dorothy Spider and Sam Fly.
Hasn't she got him in her parlor yet? I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, look, honey, why don't you call it off? I'm not in the mood to see anybody tonight.
But, honey, I can't call it off.
They've been planning on it for such a long time.
Oh, all right.
Hey! Yeah? You never mentioned this before.
When did you ask them? Go take your shower, dear.
Lucy.
When did you ask them? This afternoon.
Well, Sam's going away tomorrow and it's her last chance to cat Her last chance to what? It's her last chance to have dinner here with him.
Why the sudden interest in Dorothy and Sam? Have you been messing around with their romance? Of course not.
I just think they're two nice people to have dinner with, that's all.
I don't care if they never get married.
What is it to me? All right, we'll have dinner.
but let's break it up early.
I got a recording session in the morning.
I got to be in bed by 10:00.
Yeah, I'm sorry, honey, but if I don't get some rest tonight, I won't have any voice left at all.
They'll understand.
But, honey, this is your one night off.
I think it'd do you a lot more good to just sit around and relax and have a few laughs.
(guffawing) A few chuckles? (chuckling) A little snicker? (doorbell buzzing) LUCY: Oh, will you get that, dear? I'm not quite ready yet.
It figures.
Oh, hello, Dorothy! Hi, Ricky.
Hello, Sam.
How are you? Rick, nice to see you How have you been? Fine, thank you.
Wonderful.
Here, give me your hat and coat.
Thank you very much.
How you been, huh? Oh, fine.
Good.
Sit down.
Make yourselves at home.
Thanks a lot.
Um, where's Lucy? RICKY: Oh, she's not ready yet.
Oh.
You know how long it takes them, Sam.
Oh, that's right, you're not married, are you? No.
Not yet.
Well, you're cleverer than I thought.
How you managed to keep single all these years Oh, oh, uh, Ricky, the apartment looks lovely.
Oh, thank you.
Sam, uh, they have a lovely baby.
Oh, Ricky, could we see him? Well, I wish you could, but he's already sleeping.
Lucy doesn't like anybody to go in while he's asleep, you know.
She really puts her foot down on that.
Well, hello, honey! Hi, Lucy.
Sam, so nice to see you again.
Thank you, Lucy.
Please sit down.
Thank you very much.
My, aren't they a handsome couple? Oh, Sam's the handsome one.
Stop it, Dorothy.
Stop.
We were just talking about the baby.
Oh, talking about babies.
Think of the beautiful children these two could have.
Imagine, a little girl with Dorothy's lovely hair and Sam's wide-set eyes.
RICKY: Yeah.
(laughing) What are you laughing at? I was just thinking, it'd be funny if she turns out to have Dorothy's lovely eyes and Sam's wide-set hair.
Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
Aw, no.
I want her to look exactly like Sam.
Oh, well, of course she would, dear.
Oh, gee, I wish the baby was awake.
Well, let's go in and look at him anyway.
What do you mean, let's go in and look at him Honey, please.
Come on.
DOROTHY: Oh, isn't he darling? Husky, huh? Yes, he is.
(sniffing) Lucy.
Lucy, I smell something burning in the oven.
My chickens! My chickens! (baby screaming) Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh oh, my! Oh, my whole dinner! My whole dinner! My whole dinner! Oh, no! And then there I was in the middle of the stage, and I started singing.
Well, I was 12 years old when I sang the first song and I've been in show business ever since.
Oh, show business must be so exciting.
Yeah, it's a lot of work, but I love it.
Well, the baby is finally asleep.
I'm so sorry dinner was ruined.
Oh, you fixed something for them, dear.
No, Dorothy did.
She's a real good cook.
Well.
Best meal I had in months.
Thank you.
I have a warm plate for you in the kitchen.
Oh, no, thanks, Dorothy.
I'm not a bit hungry.
Well, as long as you're here now, I'll excuse myself.
I can't keep my eyes open.
Oh, well, I'll, I'll fix you some coffee, dear.
That'll keep those big, brown eyes open.
No, eh, eh, no, honey.
Uh, I hope you understand.
I have a recording session in the morning and I'm just dead tired.
Uh, but, honey, can't you stay just a little while longer? We-we have company.
Well, I know, dear, and I'm awfully sorry, but All right, we understand, uh, don't we, dear? Oh, of course.
A man should be able to do anything he wants to in his own home.
Right.
Good night.
Good night.
Ricky! Lucy, don't shake your head at me like that.
I told you when I got home that I had to be in bed by 10:00.
I know you did, but I didn't think you meant it, dear.
Well, it's all your fault, dear.
My fault, darling? Yes, darling.
If you would have consulted with me before you made your plans, I would have told you.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot to ask your permission, Your Majesty.
Sam, we'd better go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, don't go.
Ricky is not going to bed.
Ricky is going to bed.
Ricky is not going to bed.
He's going to stay here and act happily married if it kills him.
Oh, Lucy, what's the use? It's all ruined anyway.
What's ruined? You were right, dear, go to bed.
Lucy? Yes, sir.
I thought I told you to mess out.
Well, I don't care.
I only wanted Sam and Dorothy to be as happily married as I thought we were.
Well, tonight has been a glorious example.
Well, tonight doesn't count.
This isn't like any other night.
You know, the baby cried and the food burned.
Yes, that's true.
Yeah, that's true, but why did you say that tonight is not like any other night? Now, you cut that out, Ricky Ricardo! You're happily married, and you know it! Well, all right.
Sit down, Sam.
Dorothy.
What are you going to do now? I'm just going to tell Sam exactly the way I feel about marriage.
Don't you dare! Sit down, Lucy.
Sam, my boy, I've been married over and if I had it to do over I'd get married again.
You would? Yep, I would gladly get married again.
But why? Now, that's a very good question, and it's a hard one to answer.
Maybe it's because wives are economical.
Well.
Look, Lucy saves me a lot of money on food.
That's right, I do.
You know, serving leftovers.
Leftovers? Yes, she's great at serving leftovers.
But the strange thing is, I never had any of the meals that the leftovers were left over from.
Ricky! And yet, I would get married all over again.
I don't know why.
Maybe it's the mystery of it all.
The mystery? Yeah.
You know, Sam, you would think that you would know what your wife looks like when you married her, right? Well, of course, you would.
You got a big surprise coming to you, my boy.
They have a whole other face underneath the face you married.
And it must be awful because they never let you see it.
You know, when they go to bed at night? Yeah.
They cover it all up with cold cream, and then they get their chins strapped in a hammock.
They wear blinkers over their eyes.
And in the mornings ay-ay-ay, in the mornings They come staggering out of bed with wire cages in their hair, grease in their face, and then they proceed to the kitchen where they squeeze you a glassful of seeds with a little bit of orange juice in it.
They throw some raw bacon and eggs at you with some burned toast and they give you a cup of coffee that tastes just like mud.
Well, I'm very happy to find out how you really feel.
Hi! Hi.
Oh, no.
Lover and I thought we'd come up and find out how you were doing.
We can't stay very long 'cause you know how honeybunch and I love to be alone.
Married 25 years and still mad about each other.
Oh, shut up.
It's too late, Ethel.
Lucy! Don't you talk to me, you you husband.
Honey, I said I would marry you all over again! Well, I wouldn't marry you again! You had it coming to you.
RICKY: I told you not to butt in other people's business! (door slams) (chuckling nervously) Oh, dear.
Let's go.
Come on.
(shouting): Come on! (shouting): All right! (door slams) I wonder what went wrong.
I don't know, but stop leaning on me.
You weigh a ton! Lucy, how about my breakfast? There's your orange juice.
Oh, I left a few seeds in it as usual.
(rhythmic scraping) I burn an awful lot of toast, but I'm developing quite a beat.
Here you are, my famous cup of mud.
Well, how do you like it? Like what? This is the distorted picture you gave Sam last night.
Now, if you'd like to apologize for all the nasty things you said, I'd be very happy to go ahead and fix your breakfast as I usually do.
You just did.
Oh! And I suppose I look like I usually do, too, huh? No, no, I wouldn't say that.
I think you look a little better.
Ricky Ricardo, you apologize! Why should I apologize? The only reason that I told Sam the things I told him last night is because you and Dorothy were trying to hook him, and I told you to stay out of his affairs.
Well, for once, I decided not to do what you told me.
For once? You never do what I told you.
Then why don't you quit "tolding" me? Ay, que barbaridad! Porque tienes la cabeza mas dura de ninguna mujer que yo he conocido en toda la vida entera! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Spanish names won't hurt me.
Sometimes I wish I never left Cuba.
That makes two of us.
You take that back.
I won't take it back.
You take back what you said last night.
I will not! Now, are you going to fix my breakfast or not? I already did, remember? All right, then I'll eat breakfast downtown.
Good! Hmm! And you can have your lunch down there, too.
All right! And your dinner! Okay! You can stay down there, too! Okay, I will! Ha! Good-bye! Well, I will as soon as I change.
(doorbell buzzes) (doorbell buzzing insistently) (yawning) Lucy! He isn't home yet, Ethel, and it's He wasn't home at 3:00 and he wasn't home at 4:00 either.
Are you gonna come over every hour just to announce that he isn't home yet? Well, he isn't.
Leave the door open, will you? I want to hear the baby.
Listen, Lucy, didn't you tell me that when you had your fight, you told him to go away and stay away? Yes, I did, but I didn't think he'd do it.
Oh, well, now, that makes sense.
Gee, Ethel, well, what if he isn't ever coming home? Well, what what if something's happened to him? Oh, now, Lucy, you've got to stop worrying.
You're getting yourself all upset.
I can't help it.
Put yourself in my place.
If Fred was gone and was never coming home, what would you be doing? Celebrating.
You would not.
It isn't until they're gone that you really appreciate them.
Oh, Ethel, I love him so.
Lucy, don't cry.
Hey, hey What in Sam Hill's all the commotion about? Oh, Ricky still isn't home and Lucy's all upset.
He isn't ever coming home, and it's my fault.
Oh, now, honey, he's coming home.
I'm, I'm sure he's all right.
Sure, you'll probably find him down at the police station, wearing a cop's hat and eating an ice-cream cone.
Oh, dear, if I, if I knew where he was, I'd call him up, and I'd beg him to come home.
Did you call the club? Yes.
He left two hours ago.
Oh, suppose we wait a couple of weeks and notify Ellery Queen.
Now, Fred, this is serious.
I just don't happen to think that it is serious.
Now, listen, Lucy, I know Ricky pretty well and I just don't believe he's really gonna leave you.
Then where is he? He's doing what any other husbands are doing under the same circumstances.
He's just staying away long enough to give you a good scare.
Do you really think so? Sure, he's getting you good and worried so you'll be so glad to see him, you'll forget you're mad at him.
Well, if that's what he's doing, then I just won't be there when he gets home! What?! Two can play at this game.
I'll just give him a good scare.
Well, why don't you go home and give it to him.
No, I'm not going home; I'm going to stay right here.
What about the baby? You go over and keep an eye on him, will you, Ethel? No.
Please? No.
But, Ethel, I can't just be over there, standing there, waiting for him when he comes in.
Please.
Absolutely not! Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'll go and stay with little Ricky.
It's about the only way I'll ever get a night's sleep.
Okay, thanks, Fred.
Okay.
(door shuts) Ethel Ethel, what if Fred isn't right? What if Ricky really isn't ever gonna come home? What if? What if you keep quiet and let me get some sleep? All right.
Ethel! Ethel! (yawning) Ethel, he's home.
I just saw him come down the hall, and he brought me candy and flowers.
Good.
Lucy? Lucy, I'm home.
Sweetheart I guess I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have said all of those awful things that I said.
I was in a bad humor and I just blew my top, that's all.
But darling, you know I love being married to you, honey.
You are the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful person in the whole world.
You know, I wasn't gonna come home tonight just to teach you a lesson, and then I got to walking around and I I started thinking of all the wonderful times that we had together and how much we meant to each other and Well I brought you some flowers and some candy.
Honey, I-I won't blame you if you never spoke to me again, but sweetheart, please say you forgive me, darling.
(falsetto): I forgive you, darling.
(howling with laughter) RICKY: What are you doing here? Oh, honey, you should have heard yourself saying all those things to Fred.
Fred, how did you keep from laughing? It wasn't easy.
(laughing) Well, I'm real happy I gave you all such a good laugh.
Oh, honey, don't be mad.
Who's mad?! I'm not mad! Who's going to get mad? I'm not mad at all! Oh, honey, we're sorry.
ETHEL: We're all sorry, Ricky.
Oh, Rick Ricky, where are you going? Out! And this time, I'm not gonna come back! But, honey, how about all those things you said? You said you loved me and all the wonderful times we had and everything.
I take them all back! Oh, Ricky Out of my way, please.
Listen, Ricky, Ricky, I won't mess in any more romances.
I'll mess out, I promise.
Out of my way, please.
(doorbell buzzes) Please? Oh, now what? We must be making too much noise.
Telegram.
Oh.
Who's it from? Yeah.
What's it say? Oh, no.
Oh, honey "We figured if you two characters "could put up with each other for 13 years "there must be something to this marriage business, "so we are giving it a try.
Thanks a lot.
Dorothy and Sam.
" Aw, honey.
(laughing) Oh, baby! Ha, ha, Rick! Here.
Oh, thank you! Here.
Oh, thank you! ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.