Impractical Jokers (2017) s04e02 Episode Script
Below the Belt
narrator: Coming up, why is murr bringing a sword to a dummy fight? Murr bringing a sword to a dummy fight? [ grunts .]
Fight? [ grunts .]
[ laughs .]
[ grunts .]
[ laughs .]
narrator: What's got sal [ laughs .]
narrator: What's got sal acting all moussey-goosey? narrator: What's got sal acting all moussey-goosey? [ laughter .]
Acting all moussey-goosey? [ laughter .]
and which joker can't control [ laughter .]
and which joker can't control himself in tonight's punishment? And which joker can't control himself in tonight's punishment? [ laughter .]
Himself in tonight's punishment? [ laughter .]
prepare for something [ laughter .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! larry! I will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
all: En garde! today, we're instructors at suffolk fencing academy, and today, we're instructors at suffolk fencing academy, and we've got to do and say what the Suffolk fencing academy, and we've got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
We've got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
at the end, we'll ask our Other guys tell us.
at the end, we'll ask our students if they're willing to at the end, we'll ask our students if they're willing to take another lesson from us.
if you can't get your student to take another class, you lose.
To take another class, you lose.
you look like an adult-born you look like an adult-born baby.
Baby.
en garde, ass[bleep.]
be honest, you wore that here today.
Today.
I own it, yeah.
I own it, yeah.
okay.
Have you ever gone fencing in your life? okay.
Have you ever gone fencing in your life? no, not once.
Fencing in your life? no, not once.
yeah, okay.
no, not once.
yeah, okay.
You just have the outfit, right? yeah, okay.
You just have the outfit, right? [ laughter .]
You just have the outfit, right? [ laughter .]
hi.
How are you? [ laughter .]
hi.
How are you? okay, so, now tell her how to hi.
How are you? okay, so, now tell her how to hold her feet.
okay, so, now tell her how to hold her feet.
now, your feet -- stay there.
Hold her feet.
now, your feet -- stay there.
Stay there! now, your feet -- stay there.
Stay there! [ laughter .]
Stay there! [ laughter .]
check out her form.
[ laughter .]
check out her form.
so, let me see your form.
check out her form.
so, let me see your form.
Okay, remember to bend your so, let me see your form.
Okay, remember to bend your knees.
Okay, remember to bend your knees.
eh, unteachable.
Knees.
eh, unteachable.
[ laughter .]
eh, unteachable.
[ laughter .]
so, a skip forward like that.
[ laughter .]
so, a skip forward like that.
Try it.
so, a skip forward like that.
Try it.
Unteachable.
Try it.
Unteachable.
[ laughter .]
Unteachable.
[ laughter .]
he's given up on her in two [ laughter .]
he's given up on her in two minutes.
he's given up on her in two minutes.
yeah.
Minutes.
yeah.
now, when you want to lunge yeah.
now, when you want to lunge at someone now, when you want to lunge at someone all the way back, all the way At someone all the way back, all the way back.
all the way back, all the way back.
yeah, so see how I do it.
Back.
yeah, so see how I do it.
now lean forward all the way.
yeah, so see how I do it.
now lean forward all the way.
[ laughter .]
now lean forward all the way.
[ laughter .]
come back.
[ laughter .]
come back.
tell her "you can't touch come back.
tell her "you can't touch this" as you pass her.
tell her "you can't touch this" as you pass her.
can't touch this.
This" as you pass her.
can't touch this.
[ laughter .]
can't touch this.
[ laughter .]
oh, geez! [ laughter .]
oh, geez! There was a wall there.
oh, geez! There was a wall there.
let's try squaring off There was a wall there.
let's try squaring off against each other, okay? let's try squaring off against each other, okay? when she charges you, yell Against each other, okay? when she charges you, yell "no" like a teenage girl.
when she charges you, yell "no" like a teenage girl.
ready? Come to me.
"no" like a teenage girl.
ready? Come to me.
No! ready? Come to me.
No! [ laughter .]
No! [ laughter .]
come toward me.
Go.
[ laughter .]
come toward me.
Go.
No, no, no! Come toward me.
Go.
No, no, no! Not bad, though.
No, no, no! Not bad, though.
[ laughter .]
Not bad, though.
[ laughter .]
hey, you want to see [ laughter .]
hey, you want to see something cool? hey, you want to see something cool? you want to see something Something cool? you want to see something really cool? you want to see something really cool? "if I was mugging this dummy, Really cool? "if I was mugging this dummy, this is how I'd murder it.
" "if I was mugging this dummy, this is how I'd murder it.
" [ laughter .]
This is how I'd murder it.
" [ laughter .]
if I was mugging this dummy, [ laughter .]
if I was mugging this dummy, you want to see how I would if I was mugging this dummy, you want to see how I would murder it? [ laughter .]
[ grunts .]
what did that dummy do to you? what did that dummy do to you? [ laughter .]
You? [ laughter .]
do you think you would be [ laughter .]
do you think you would be interested in taking another do you think you would be interested in taking another fencing class with me? that's a no! no, no, no! [ buzzer .]
no, no, no! [ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
what's your name? Robert? Joe.
Pleased to meet you, man.
How are you? Joe.
Pleased to meet you, man.
How are you? good.
good.
oh, here we go.
so, you've taken fencing before? Before? yes.
yes.
yeah? Tell me a little bit about your experience with it.
yeah? Tell me a little bit about your experience with it.
joe, fall asleep listening to About your experience with it.
joe, fall asleep listening to this guy with your eyes open.
joe, fall asleep listening to this guy with your eyes open.
I fenced in college.
This guy with your eyes open.
I fenced in college.
I started in college.
I fenced in college.
I started in college.
And then I ended up captain.
I started in college.
And then I ended up captain.
[ snoring .]
And then I ended up captain.
[ snoring .]
[ laughter .]
[ snoring .]
[ laughter .]
I was in engineer, and then [ laughter .]
I was in engineer, and then my alumni where I went to I was in engineer, and then my alumni where I went to school, they asked me to let My alumni where I went to school, they asked me to let them do stuff like this -- School, they asked me to let them do stuff like this -- [ snoring .]
Them do stuff like this -- [ snoring .]
[ laughs .]
[ snoring .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
okay, here we go.
[ laughter .]
okay, here we go.
joe, big leaps.
okay, here we go.
joe, big leaps.
here it comes like a joe, big leaps.
here it comes like a mother[bleep.]
here it comes like a mother[bleep.]
[ laughter .]
Mother[bleep.]
[ laughter .]
that looks like a game of [ laughter .]
that looks like a game of "frogger.
" that looks like a game of "frogger.
" [ video-game sounds play .]
"frogger.
" [ video-game sounds play .]
[ laughter .]
[ video-game sounds play .]
[ laughter .]
"oh, man, I just got out of the [ laughter .]
"oh, man, I just got out of the hospital.
" "oh, man, I just got out of the hospital.
" [ sighs .]
Hospital.
" [ sighs .]
I just got out of the hospital.
[ sighs .]
I just got out of the hospital.
"had an emergency c-section.
" I just got out of the hospital.
"had an emergency c-section.
" [ laughter .]
"had an emergency c-section.
" [ laughter .]
I had an emergency c-section.
[ laughter .]
I had an emergency c-section.
But I'm feeling much better, I had an emergency c-section.
But I'm feeling much better, thanks.
But I'm feeling much better, thanks.
Ready? And Thanks.
Ready? And [ laughter .]
Ready? And [ laughter .]
keep distracting him by [ laughter .]
keep distracting him by running into things around the keep distracting him by running into things around the room.
Running into things around the room.
whoa.
Room.
whoa.
[ laughter .]
whoa.
[ laughter .]
distraction.
[ laughter .]
distraction.
[ laughter .]
Distraction.
[ laughter .]
let's take a break.
[ laughter .]
let's take a break.
Just [bleep.]
with you.
Let's take a break.
Just [bleep.]
with you.
[ laughter .]
Just [bleep.]
with you.
[ laughter .]
got me.
[ laughter .]
got me.
[ laughter .]
Got me.
[ laughter .]
let me just ask you a question.
[ laughter .]
let me just ask you a question.
Do you think that you would like Let me just ask you a question.
Do you think that you would like to take a follow-up class with Do you think that you would like to take a follow-up class with me? To take a follow-up class with me? Sure! Yeah! All right! Me? Sure! Yeah! All right! [ ding! .]
Sure! Yeah! All right! [ ding! .]
oh, wow.
[ imitates lightsaber buzzing .]
how long do you think you would last in a real sword Would last in a real sword fight? Fight? 10, 20 minutes.
10, 20 minutes.
is that how long it would is that how long it would take you to bleed out? [ laughter .]
Take you to bleed out? [ laughter .]
hey, how you doing? [ laughter .]
hey, how you doing? good.
hey, how you doing? good.
what's your name? good.
what's your name? What do you know about fencing? What do you know about fencing? um en garde.
um en garde.
en garde! en garde.
en garde! [ screams .]
en garde! [ screams .]
[ laughter .]
[ screams .]
[ laughter .]
all right, so, we haven't [ laughter .]
all right, so, we haven't really started yet.
all right, so, we haven't really started yet.
I'd just like to stretch for a Really started yet.
I'd just like to stretch for a minute before we start.
I'd just like to stretch for a minute before we start.
try to be as gelatinous as Minute before we start.
try to be as gelatinous as possible.
try to be as gelatinous as possible.
I do a little one on top.
Possible.
I do a little one on top.
I'm just like I do a little one on top.
I'm just like [ laughs .]
here he goes! I'm just like [ laughs .]
here he goes! [ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
here he goes! [ laughs .]
you want to stay loose.
[ laughs .]
you want to stay loose.
[ laughing .]
you want to stay loose.
[ laughing .]
you want to just stay loose.
[ laughing .]
you want to just stay loose.
how does your body move like you want to just stay loose.
how does your body move like that? how does your body move like that? you want to try it? That? you want to try it? Okay.
you want to try it? Okay.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
[ laughter .]
his glove fell.
[ laughter .]
his glove fell.
Yeah, the glove.
his glove fell.
Yeah, the glove.
[ laughter .]
Yeah, the glove.
[ laughter .]
all right, here we go.
[ laughter .]
all right, here we go.
now, remember, in fencing all right, here we go.
now, remember, in fencing now, remember, in fencing now, remember, in fencing now, remember, in fencing Keep your friends close now, remember, in fencing Keep your friends close Keep your friends close Keep your friends close Keep your friends close And your enemas closer.
Keep your friends close And your enemas closer.
And your enemas And your enemas closer.
And your enemas [ laughter .]
And your enemas [ laughter .]
Closer.
[ laughter .]
Closer.
No, I meant enemas.
Closer.
No, I meant enemas.
[ laughter .]
No, I meant enemas.
[ laughter .]
"I'm gonna show you how I [ laughter .]
"I'm gonna show you how I start off.
" "I'm gonna show you how I start off.
" I'm gonna show you how I Start off.
" I'm gonna show you how I start off.
I'm gonna show you how I start off.
throw the sword I in the air, Start off.
throw the sword I in the air, sal, do a 360-degree spin, catch throw the sword I in the air, sal, do a 360-degree spin, catch it, and yell "top banana.
" Sal, do a 360-degree spin, catch it, and yell "top banana.
" okay.
It, and yell "top banana.
" okay.
[ laughter .]
okay.
[ laughter .]
this is how I usually start off.
[ laughter .]
this is how I usually start off.
I like to start off with a This is how I usually start off.
I like to start off with a little flair.
I like to start off with a little flair.
It's fun.
Little flair.
It's fun.
okay.
It's fun.
okay.
so I'll come out, and I'll okay.
so I'll come out, and I'll go so I'll come out, and I'll go Top banana! Go Top banana! [ laughter .]
I would ask you, like, do you feel like you would take another lesson with me here? Feel like you would take another lesson with me here? Yeah.
Lesson with me here? Yeah.
[ buzzer .]
I'm brian.
I'm taylor.
I'm taylor.
very nice to meet you, very nice to meet you, taylor.
Taylor.
all right, have you ever all right, have you ever fenced before, taylor? Fenced before, taylor? Well, you're in good hands.
Well, you're in good hands.
okay, now let her come okay, now let her come towards you.
now you come towards me.
Towards you.
now you come towards me.
"ow, ow.
" now you come towards me.
"ow, ow.
" ow.
"ow, ow.
" ow.
"ow.
" ow.
"ow.
" ow, ow, ow.
"ow.
" ow, ow, ow.
Okay, okay.
Ow.
ow, ow, ow.
Okay, okay.
Ow.
"I'm actually really good.
Okay, okay.
Ow.
"I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding with you.
" "I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding with you.
" I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding with you.
" I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding around with I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding around with you.
I'm just kidding around with you.
"do you believe me, how good You.
"do you believe me, how good I am?" "do you believe me, how good I am?" do you believe me, how good I I am?" do you believe me, how good I am? do you believe me, how good I am? "good.
Just in case, I'm Am? "good.
Just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you.
" "good.
Just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you.
" okay, just in case, I'm gonna Gonna prove it to you.
" okay, just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you right now.
okay, just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you right now.
"I'm gonna have my friend Prove it to you right now.
"I'm gonna have my friend come in, soren.
" "I'm gonna have my friend come in, soren.
" oh! Come in, soren.
" oh! in case you don't know, oh! in case you don't know, soren thompson is the in case you don't know, soren thompson is the Soren thompson is the the u.
S.
Olympic team that I the u.
S.
Olympic team that I decided to call and have come in The u.
S.
Olympic team that I decided to call and have come in and fence with you.
Decided to call and have come in and fence with you.
an olympic fencer? And fence with you.
an olympic fencer? [ laughter .]
an olympic fencer? [ laughter .]
so, you know, you're gonna [ laughter .]
so, you know, you're gonna fence soren.
so, you know, you're gonna fence soren.
[ laughs .]
Fence soren.
[ laughs .]
aw, look.
And he's tall, too.
[ laughs .]
aw, look.
And he's tall, too.
[ laughter .]
aw, look.
And he's tall, too.
[ laughter .]
so, I'm about to [ laughter .]
so, I'm about to All right.
So, I'm about to All right.
[ laughter .]
All right.
[ laughter .]
come on, pal.
[ laughter .]
come on, pal.
oh, my god! Come on, pal.
oh, my god! oh, my god.
oh, my god! oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
oh! [ buzzer .]
oh! get him, soren! oh! get him, soren! Get him, get him! get him, soren! Get him, get him! no, no.
Get him, get him! no, no.
[ buzzer .]
no, no.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
all right, this ain't the [ laughter .]
all right, this ain't the olympics no more.
All right, this ain't the olympics no more.
This is street! Olympics no more.
This is street! [ laughter .]
This is street! [ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
what happened to you that made [ laughter .]
what happened to you that made you whack us? What happened to you that made you whack us? [ laughter .]
You whack us? [ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
one in the heck again! [ laughter .]
one in the heck again! come on, you bitch.
one in the heck again! come on, you bitch.
[ laughter .]
come on, you bitch.
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
ow! [ buzzer .]
ow! you're done, you're done.
Ow! you're done, you're done.
[ laughter .]
you're done, you're done.
[ laughter .]
so, what have we learned? [ laughter .]
so, what have we learned? [ breathing heavily .]
so, what have we learned? [ breathing heavily .]
never go up against an [ breathing heavily .]
never go up against an olympian.
never go up against an olympian.
[ laughter .]
Olympian.
[ laughter .]
will you take another class [ laughter .]
will you take another class with me? will you take another class with me? [ laughter .]
With me? [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
oh, my god.
[ ding! .]
oh, my god.
narrator: Both murr and sal oh, my god.
narrator: Both murr and sal were foiled, so they're first up narrator: Both murr and sal were foiled, so they're first up on the loser board.
Were foiled, so they're first up on the loser board.
hey! On the loser board.
hey! We're always styling.
hey! We're always styling.
Right, right? We're always styling.
Right, right? But today we're doing it Right, right? But today we're doing it at astor place hair.
while working as hair stylists, we'll have to do and Stylists, we'll have to do and say what the other guys tell us.
Say what the other guys tell us.
and if you refuse to do and if you refuse to do anything, you lose.
Anything, you lose.
ted, I'm gonna get you ted, I'm gonna get you looking good, buddy.
Looking good, buddy.
You're gonna look so sharp.
You're gonna look so sharp.
Where are you from? Where are you from? Oh, what part of cali? Oh, what part of cali? stick as many combs in his stick as many combs in his hair as possible.
oh, lake tahoe.
Yeah.
oh, lake tahoe.
Yeah.
[ laughs .]
nice place.
Very nice place.
[ laughs .]
nice place.
Very nice place.
[ laughs .]
nice place.
Very nice place.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
how do you feel? [ laughs .]
how do you feel? [ laughter .]
how do you feel? [ laughter .]
get into a fight with this [ laughter .]
get into a fight with this lady.
get into a fight with this lady.
you stealing my thing again? Lady.
you stealing my thing again? Every time, we talk about this.
you stealing my thing again? Every time, we talk about this.
Now, get away.
Every time, we talk about this.
Now, get away.
[ laughter .]
Now, get away.
[ laughter .]
get away.
[ laughter .]
get away.
he's frozen in shock.
Get away.
he's frozen in shock.
[ laughter .]
he's frozen in shock.
[ laughter .]
sir, what are we looking for? [ laughter .]
sir, what are we looking for? I just need the sides and the Sir, what are we looking for? I just need the sides and the back.
I just need the sides and the back.
all right, q, in the drawer Back.
all right, q, in the drawer to the left there, we planted a all right, q, in the drawer to the left there, we planted a cheeseburger.
To the left there, we planted a cheeseburger.
Just go grab the burger, bud.
Cheeseburger.
Just go grab the burger, bud.
Why don't you eat it while Just go grab the burger, bud.
Why don't you eat it while cutting his hair? Why don't you eat it while cutting his hair? [ laughter .]
Cutting his hair? [ laughter .]
one hand on that, the other [ laughter .]
one hand on that, the other hand One hand on that, the other hand [ spray bottle hissing .]
Hand [ spray bottle hissing .]
[ laughs .]
[ spray bottle hissing .]
[ laughs .]
"so not too much off the top, [ laughs .]
"so not too much off the top, right?" "so not too much off the top, right?" not too much off the top, Right?" not too much off the top, right? not too much off the top, right? yeah.
Right? yeah.
For the most part, yeah.
yeah.
For the most part, yeah.
look at him in the mirror.
For the most part, yeah.
look at him in the mirror.
Look at him in the mirror.
look at him in the mirror.
Look at him in the mirror.
He's giving him a death stare.
Look at him in the mirror.
He's giving him a death stare.
you need to take a hold of He's giving him a death stare.
you need to take a hold of your life, guy! you need to take a hold of your life, guy! Stand up! Your life, guy! Stand up! [ laughter .]
Stand up! [ laughter .]
want a bite? [ laughter .]
want a bite? [ laughter .]
want a bite? [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
all right, murr, hide.
Hide, hide, hide, hide! Hurry, hide, hide! Hide, hide, hide, hide! Hurry, hide, hide! [ laughter .]
Hurry, hide, hide! [ laughter .]
here we go.
Here we go.
[ laughter .]
hey, I'm james.
[ laughter .]
hey, I'm james.
hi.
hey, I'm james.
hi.
nice to meet you.
hi.
nice to meet you.
nice to meet you.
nice to meet you.
nice to meet you.
what's your name? nice to meet you.
what's your name? scott.
what's your name? scott.
scott? scott.
scott? talk to him about what he scott? talk to him about what he wants to do with his hair from talk to him about what he wants to do with his hair from there.
Wants to do with his hair from there.
[ laughter .]
There.
[ laughter .]
what are you looking to do [ laughter .]
what are you looking to do with your hair, scott? murr, "okay, I'll be right out.
" [ laughter .]
Out.
" [ laughter .]
murr, check out what's in the [ laughter .]
murr, check out what's in the apron.
murr, check out what's in the apron.
oh! Apron.
oh! oh! oh! oh! oh, murr, you found it.
oh! oh, murr, you found it.
oh, my god! oh, murr, you found it.
oh, my god! there's your toupee, buddy.
oh, my god! there's your toupee, buddy.
Put it on.
there's your toupee, buddy.
Put it on.
[ laughter .]
Put it on.
[ laughter .]
that's your new toupee.
[ laughter .]
that's your new toupee.
james, nice to meet you.
that's your new toupee.
james, nice to meet you.
yeah.
james, nice to meet you.
yeah.
very nice to meet you.
yeah.
very nice to meet you.
Have a seat.
very nice to meet you.
Have a seat.
"when I get a hair cut, I Have a seat.
"when I get a hair cut, I judge the person's hair who's "when I get a hair cut, I judge the person's hair who's cutting me.
" Judge the person's hair who's cutting me.
" yeah.
Cutting me.
" yeah.
so this guy should get up and yeah.
so this guy should get up and run.
so this guy should get up and run.
[ laughs .]
Run.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
put it back on, put it back [ laughs .]
put it back on, put it back on.
put it back on, put it back on.
and look at him now.
On.
and look at him now.
[ laughter .]
and look at him now.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god, that looks even [ laughter .]
oh, my god, that looks even better! oh, my god, that looks even better! oh, god! Better! oh, god! oh, there it goes.
oh, god! oh, there it goes.
[ laughs .]
oh, there it goes.
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
you got highlights this time.
[ laughter .]
you got highlights this time.
Put it back on.
You got highlights this time.
Put it back on.
[ laughs .]
Put it back on.
[ laughs .]
every time you come up, it's [ laughs .]
every time you come up, it's a different hairstyle.
every time you come up, it's a different hairstyle.
[ laughter .]
A different hairstyle.
[ laughter .]
murr, what was this guy's name? [ laughter .]
murr, what was this guy's name? remind me of your name one Murr, what was this guy's name? remind me of your name one more time.
remind me of your name one more time.
theo.
More time.
theo.
"oh, it's not wet willy?" theo.
"oh, it's not wet willy?" give him a double wet willy.
"oh, it's not wet willy?" give him a double wet willy.
[ laughing .]
Give him a double wet willy.
[ laughing .]
yeah, that's never gonna [ laughing .]
yeah, that's never gonna happen.
yeah, that's never gonna happen.
[ buzzer .]
Happen.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
how's everything, bud? Good, good.
Good, good.
let me grab the water bottle.
let me grab the water bottle.
Never stop spraying.
Never stop spraying.
[ laughter .]
there we go.
[ laughter .]
there we go.
so, are you from this area, there we go.
so, are you from this area, or -- Let's see.
I've been here about six months.
[ laughter .]
I've been here about six months.
[ laughter .]
look at it dripping.
[ laughter .]
look at it dripping.
It's like raining off his head.
look at it dripping.
It's like raining off his head.
comb the hair forward, bud.
It's like raining off his head.
comb the hair forward, bud.
I just want to see comb the hair forward, bud.
I just want to see [ laughs .]
I just want to see [ laughs .]
sal, put the comb through his [ laughs .]
sal, put the comb through his hair.
sal, put the comb through his hair.
You like the way the comb Hair.
You like the way the comb smells.
You like the way the comb smells.
[ sniffs .]
Smells.
[ sniffs .]
[ laughter, applause .]
[ sniffs .]
[ laughter, applause .]
sal, put the whole towel on [ laughter, applause .]
sal, put the whole towel on his head.
sal, put the whole towel on his head.
Whole towel on his head.
His head.
Whole towel on his head.
when you have short hair, Whole towel on his head.
when you have short hair, it's easier.
when you have short hair, it's easier.
I can say, "oh, you're trying to It's easier.
I can say, "oh, you're trying to buzz it yourself.
" I can say, "oh, you're trying to buzz it yourself.
" anything by myself or by Buzz it yourself.
" anything by myself or by anyone -- anything by myself or by anyone -- right.
Anyone -- right.
[ laughter .]
right.
[ laughter .]
and walk away.
[ laughter .]
and walk away.
give me one sec.
and walk away.
give me one sec.
[ laughter .]
give me one sec.
[ laughter .]
sal [ laughter .]
sal yeah? sal yeah? How's it? Bright in there? yeah? How's it? Bright in there? yeah.
How's it? Bright in there? yeah.
well, look in the cup.
yeah.
well, look in the cup.
Look in the cup on the counter.
well, look in the cup.
Look in the cup on the counter.
oh, no, not these [bleep.]
Look in the cup on the counter.
oh, no, not these [bleep.]
glasses.
oh, no, not these [bleep.]
glasses.
[ laughter .]
Glasses.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no.
you're officially a blind No, no, no.
you're officially a blind barber.
you're officially a blind barber.
is this the best place for Barber.
is this the best place for this? is this the best place for this? I'm holding shears.
This? I'm holding shears.
yes, it's the perfect place I'm holding shears.
yes, it's the perfect place for it.
yes, it's the perfect place for it.
oh [bleep.]
me.
For it.
oh [bleep.]
me.
embrace the darkness.
oh [bleep.]
me.
embrace the darkness.
let me get a feel for this embrace the darkness.
let me get a feel for this thing.
let me get a feel for this thing.
[ laughs .]
Thing.
[ laughs .]
you look like an idiot [ laughs .]
you look like an idiot wearing sunglasses indoors.
you look like an idiot wearing sunglasses indoors.
oh! Wearing sunglasses indoors.
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
I was back here, bud.
[ laughter .]
I was back here, bud.
What happened? I was back here, bud.
What happened? I missed it.
What happened? I missed it.
I went to the bathroom real I missed it.
I went to the bathroom real quick.
I went to the bathroom real quick.
you are an ass[bleep.]
man.
Quick.
you are an ass[bleep.]
man.
I've done it every time you are an ass[bleep.]
man.
I've done it every time you've put the glasses on in our I've done it every time you've put the glasses on in our show -- every time.
You've put the glasses on in our show -- every time.
Quick montage.
Show -- every time.
Quick montage.
oh! Quick montage.
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
Oh! [ laughter .]
hey! [ laughter .]
hey! How you doing? Hey! How you doing? Have a seat.
How you doing? Have a seat.
[ laughter .]
Have a seat.
[ laughter .]
what are you looking for? "all right, let me just grab the water bottle.
" put that down.
The water bottle.
" put that down.
Go grab the scissors.
Put that down.
Go grab the scissors.
[ laughter .]
Go grab the scissors.
[ laughter .]
I'm just looking for the [ laughter .]
I'm just looking for the scissors.
I'm just looking for the scissors.
"oh, wait.
You know what? Scissors.
"oh, wait.
You know what? I got to get different "oh, wait.
You know what? I got to get different scissors.
" I got to get different scissors.
" I got to get different Scissors.
" I got to get different scissors.
I got to get different scissors.
they're all the way on the Scissors.
they're all the way on the other side of the store.
[ laughter .]
just give me one second.
just give me one second.
go ahead.
Walk straight.
straight.
go ahead.
Walk straight.
straight.
turn right and whistle.
straight.
turn right and whistle.
Turn right and whistle.
turn right and whistle.
Turn right and whistle.
[ wolf-whistles .]
Turn right and whistle.
[ wolf-whistles .]
[ laughter .]
[ wolf-whistles .]
[ laughter .]
straight.
[ laughter .]
straight.
Straight.
straight.
Straight.
Left.
Straight.
Left.
[ laughs .]
Left.
[ laughs .]
turn around and sit down.
[ laughs .]
turn around and sit down.
[ laughter .]
turn around and sit down.
[ laughter .]
sorry, sorry.
[ laughter .]
sorry, sorry.
okay, bud, grab that mousse.
sorry, sorry.
okay, bud, grab that mousse.
Go back behind him, lift it up okay, bud, grab that mousse.
Go back behind him, lift it up in the air.
Go back behind him, lift it up in the air.
We'll tell you when you're right In the air.
We'll tell you when you're right over his head.
We'll tell you when you're right over his head.
Good.
Okay, perfect.
Over his head.
Good.
Okay, perfect.
[ laughter .]
You're nailing it, you're nailing it.
in case you didn't notice, Nailing it.
in case you didn't notice, I'm blind as [bleep.]
in case you didn't notice, I'm blind as [bleep.]
[ ding! .]
I'm blind as [bleep.]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
Yo, stretch his face out.
do you mind if I take the glasses off for a second? do you mind if I take the glasses off for a second? Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Glasses off for a second? Yeah, yeah, thanks.
I didn't want to hurt -- so, you Yeah, yeah, thanks.
I didn't want to hurt -- so, you wanted to I didn't want to hurt -- so, you wanted to [ laughter .]
Wanted to [ laughter .]
you want these two sides.
[ laughter .]
you want these two sides.
now squish his face together.
You want these two sides.
now squish his face together.
my recommendation would be to now squish his face together.
my recommendation would be to do like a green here and then a my recommendation would be to do like a green here and then a green back here, and then you Do like a green here and then a green back here, and then you want to do some green and the Green back here, and then you want to do some green and the two greens here with a black, so Want to do some green and the two greens here with a black, so five strips.
Two greens here with a black, so five strips.
You can put the glasses back on.
Five strips.
You can put the glasses back on.
now just start pumping his You can put the glasses back on.
now just start pumping his chair.
now just start pumping his chair.
sorry.
Chair.
sorry.
Let me just get that sorry.
Let me just get that They reversed the chair on me.
Let me just get that They reversed the chair on me.
oh.
They reversed the chair on me.
oh.
[ laughter .]
oh.
[ laughter .]
it's something like -- you're [ laughter .]
it's something like -- you're gonna want five like that.
It's something like -- you're gonna want five like that.
[ laughter .]
Gonna want five like that.
[ laughter .]
yo, try and hook him up with [ laughter .]
yo, try and hook him up with your ugly cousin.
yo, try and hook him up with your ugly cousin.
what's this for? Your ugly cousin.
what's this for? You going on a date? what's this for? You going on a date? 'cause I got a cousin, belinda.
You going on a date? 'cause I got a cousin, belinda.
you call her balloonda.
'cause I got a cousin, belinda.
you call her balloonda.
her nickname's balloonda, you call her balloonda.
her nickname's balloonda, but she's got a heart of gold.
her nickname's balloonda, but she's got a heart of gold.
She's a little round.
But she's got a heart of gold.
She's a little round.
she's got a wooden leg.
She's a little round.
she's got a wooden leg.
It's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg.
It's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg, but It's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg, but it's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg, but it's a hoot.
it comes to a point.
It's a hoot.
it comes to a point.
the leg comes to a point, it comes to a point.
the leg comes to a point, though.
the leg comes to a point, though.
She's got, like, a little bit -- Though.
She's got, like, a little bit -- when she sashays, it's nice.
I think you're gonna dig it.
she looks like a trash bag she looks like a trash bag full of mango pulp.
if I'm gonna be honest with Full of mango pulp.
if I'm gonna be honest with you, she looks like a trash bag if I'm gonna be honest with you, she looks like a trash bag full of fresh mango pulp.
You, she looks like a trash bag full of fresh mango pulp.
[ laughter .]
Full of fresh mango pulp.
[ laughter .]
she's a sweetheart, though.
[ laughter .]
she's a sweetheart, though.
she's a sweetheart.
she's a sweetheart, though.
she's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart of a girl.
she's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart of a girl.
it's what's inside that Sweetheart of a girl.
it's what's inside that counts.
it's what's inside that counts.
it's on the inside that Counts.
it's on the inside that counts.
it's on the inside that counts.
she's only got one kidney.
Counts.
she's only got one kidney.
she's only got one kidney, she's only got one kidney.
she's only got one kidney, though, on the inside she's only got one kidney, though, on the inside [ laughter .]
Though, on the inside [ laughter .]
And had a hysterectomy at [ laughter .]
And had a hysterectomy at age 12.
And had a hysterectomy at age 12.
[ laughs .]
Age 12.
[ laughs .]
now, she's great.
[ laughs .]
now, she's great.
I'm telling you, she's got a now, she's great.
I'm telling you, she's got a hell of a sense of humor.
I'm telling you, she's got a hell of a sense of humor.
Loves knock-knock jokes.
Hell of a sense of humor.
Loves knock-knock jokes.
Can't finish them, though, Loves knock-knock jokes.
Can't finish them, though, 'cause she's got amnesia.
Can't finish them, though, 'cause she's got amnesia.
[ laughs .]
'cause she's got amnesia.
[ laughs .]
she has gamma-ray poisoning.
[ laughs .]
she has gamma-ray poisoning.
but she also has some she has gamma-ray poisoning.
but she also has some gamma-ray poisoning.
but she also has some gamma-ray poisoning.
kind of like the hulk.
Gamma-ray poisoning.
kind of like the hulk.
she has both set of kind of like the hulk.
she has both set of genitalia.
she has both set of genitalia.
super sweet.
Genitalia.
super sweet.
And she's got both set of super sweet.
And she's got both set of genitalia, so And she's got both set of genitalia, so [ laughter .]
Genitalia, so [ laughter .]
basically, she doesn't need [ laughter .]
basically, she doesn't need you.
basically, she doesn't need you.
She can go [bleep.]
herself You.
She can go [bleep.]
herself whenever she wants.
She can go [bleep.]
herself whenever she wants.
[ laughter .]
Whenever she wants.
[ laughter .]
what?! [ laughter .]
what?! [ laughter .]
what?! [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
[ applause .]
[ ding! .]
[ applause .]
murr couldn't cut it, making [ applause .]
murr couldn't cut it, making him tonight's big loser.
murr couldn't cut it, making him tonight's big loser.
hey, murr, you lost! Him tonight's big loser.
hey, murr, you lost! yay! hey, murr, you lost! yay! hey, and for your punishment, yay! hey, and for your punishment, all you got to do, buddy, is hey, and for your punishment, all you got to do, buddy, is give a presentation on climate All you got to do, buddy, is give a presentation on climate change.
Give a presentation on climate change.
I can do that blindfolded.
Change.
I can do that blindfolded.
okay, that's easy, because I can do that blindfolded.
okay, that's easy, because you'll be behind the podium, and okay, that's easy, because you'll be behind the podium, and we'll be underneath it.
You'll be behind the podium, and we'll be underneath it.
[ laughter .]
We'll be underneath it.
[ laughter .]
you have to do the [ laughter .]
you have to do the presentation no matter what we you have to do the presentation no matter what we do to your lower half.
Presentation no matter what we do to your lower half.
That's it.
Do to your lower half.
That's it.
[ laughter .]
That's it.
[ laughter .]
#testicles.
[ laughter .]
#testicles.
[ laughter .]
#testicles.
[ laughter .]
I haven't been this excited [ laughter .]
I haven't been this excited in a while.
I haven't been this excited in a while.
We have a lot of good ideas, In a while.
We have a lot of good ideas, fellas.
We have a lot of good ideas, fellas.
Good work all around.
Fellas.
Good work all around.
Congratulations.
Good work all around.
Congratulations.
my name is james murray.
Congratulations.
my name is james murray.
Thank you so much for coming my name is james murray.
Thank you so much for coming here today.
Thank you so much for coming here today.
I am an expert on environmental Here today.
I am an expert on environmental studies, and I'm going to take I am an expert on environmental studies, and I'm going to take you through a presentation that Studies, and I'm going to take you through a presentation that we've put together on climate You through a presentation that we've put together on climate change.
We've put together on climate change.
all right, I'll be right Change.
all right, I'll be right back.
all right, I'll be right back.
cfcs -- you've all heard of Back.
cfcs -- you've all heard of them.
cfcs -- you've all heard of them.
Cfcs are what's in aerosol cans, Them.
Cfcs are what's in aerosol cans, sprays, and it has Cfcs are what's in aerosol cans, sprays, and it has what has he got? Sprays, and it has what has he got? it's leg wax.
what has he got? it's leg wax.
[ laughs .]
it's leg wax.
[ laughs .]
in america, we've passed a [ laughs .]
in america, we've passed a number of in america, we've passed a number of [ laughter .]
Number of [ laughter .]
still allows -- aah! [ laughter .]
still allows -- aah! oh! Still allows -- aah! oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
it is [ laughter .]
it is oh, I heard it.
it is oh, I heard it.
look at sal! oh, I heard it.
look at sal! [ laughter .]
look at sal! [ laughter .]
okay.
[ laughter .]
okay.
More radiation hits the earth.
okay.
More radiation hits the earth.
2, 3.
More radiation hits the earth.
2, 3.
next slide! 2, 3.
next slide! [ laughter .]
next slide! [ laughter .]
and their climate, their [ laughter .]
and their climate, their environment is changing quicker And their climate, their environment is changing quicker than we can stop.
Environment is changing quicker than we can stop.
nice, nice! Than we can stop.
nice, nice! [ laughs .]
classic, classic.
nice, nice! [ laughs .]
classic, classic.
this jet stream is not just [ laughs .]
classic, classic.
this jet stream is not just over america.
this jet stream is not just over america.
yo, I heard of a jet stream Over america.
yo, I heard of a jet stream about to happen.
yo, I heard of a jet stream about to happen.
it goes around the entire About to happen.
it goes around the entire world, circles -- it goes around the entire world, circles -- [ spray can hissing .]
World, circles -- [ spray can hissing .]
gee! [ spray can hissing .]
gee! in the u.
S.
, we only focus on gee! in the u.
S.
, we only focus on a hurricane that hits, and it in the u.
S.
, we only focus on a hurricane that hits, and it seems like it's a fluke, A hurricane that hits, and it seems like it's a fluke, one-in-a-century hurricane.
Seems like it's a fluke, one-in-a-century hurricane.
now step out.
One-in-a-century hurricane.
now step out.
the earth is changing at a now step out.
the earth is changing at a level that is unsustainable.
the earth is changing at a level that is unsustainable.
oh, my god, that is a lot! Level that is unsustainable.
oh, my god, that is a lot! got to make sure they can see oh, my god, that is a lot! got to make sure they can see it in the back row.
got to make sure they can see it in the back row.
now, when glaciers melt, the It in the back row.
now, when glaciers melt, the massive weight on the earth's now, when glaciers melt, the massive weight on the earth's crust is reduced.
Massive weight on the earth's crust is reduced.
that's gonna hurt.
Crust is reduced.
that's gonna hurt.
[ mousetrap snaps .]
that's gonna hurt.
[ mousetrap snaps .]
what the? [ mousetrap snaps .]
what the? [ laughing .]
what the? [ laughing .]
okay, murr, walk out.
[ laughing .]
okay, murr, walk out.
now, the police ice caps.
okay, murr, walk out.
now, the police ice caps.
[ laughter .]
now, the police ice caps.
[ laughter .]
at the current rate of retreat, [ laughter .]
at the current rate of retreat, all of the glaciers at the At the current rate of retreat, all of the glaciers at the glacier national park will be All of the glaciers at the glacier national park will be gone.
Glacier national park will be gone.
Next slide.
Gone.
Next slide.
The pain of pollution.
Next slide.
The pain of pollution.
women's shoes.
The pain of pollution.
women's shoes.
nice.
women's shoes.
nice.
many of the actions that nice.
many of the actions that that's so weird.
many of the actions that that's so weird.
now, the three different that's so weird.
now, the three different lines.
now, the three different lines.
[ laughter .]
Lines.
[ laughter .]
you can see [ laughter .]
you can see Our ozone depletion and our You can see Our ozone depletion and our pollution content in our Our ozone depletion and our pollution content in our atmosphere is going to increase Pollution content in our atmosphere is going to increase tenfold.
Atmosphere is going to increase tenfold.
this audience must be like, Tenfold.
this audience must be like, "this guy is absolutely insane.
" this audience must be like, "this guy is absolutely insane.
" let's move on.
"this guy is absolutely insane.
" let's move on.
I'm up.
let's move on.
I'm up.
okay.
I'm up.
okay.
I got a friend.
okay.
I got a friend.
now, the sea level is rising.
I got a friend.
now, the sea level is rising.
They say that now, the sea level is rising.
They say that oh, my god.
They say that oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
uh, the global sea level has, [ laughter .]
uh, the global sea level has, uh, risen by nine inches.
uh, the global sea level has, uh, risen by nine inches.
What? Uh, risen by nine inches.
What? [ laughs .]
What? [ laughs .]
hi.
[ laughs .]
hi.
[ laughter .]
hi.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god! [ laughter .]
oh, my god! [ laughter .]
oh, my god! [ laughter .]
let's talk about climate -- [ laughter .]
let's talk about climate -- daily activities that could let's talk about climate -- daily activities that could affect climate change.
Daily activities that could affect climate change.
there you go.
Affect climate change.
there you go.
Nice job, buddy.
Nice job.
there you go.
Nice job, buddy.
Nice job.
if you had bought local Nice job, buddy.
Nice job.
if you had bought local produce if you had bought local produce all right, come on back, Produce all right, come on back, joey.
all right, come on back, joey.
Yeah, yeah.
Joey.
Yeah, yeah.
[ laughs .]
Yeah, yeah.
[ laughs .]
the change that that would [ laughs .]
the change that that would cause the change that that would cause hey, murr, why don't you just Cause hey, murr, why don't you just take a stroll from behind that hey, murr, why don't you just take a stroll from behind that podium? Take a stroll from behind that podium? if you had just chosen to eat Podium? if you had just chosen to eat local and to buy local, that if you had just chosen to eat local and to buy local, that change would be dramatic.
Local and to buy local, that change would be dramatic.
[ laughter .]
[bleep.]
yes! change is a-coming.
change is a-coming.
Better make sure it's the right Better make sure it's the right kind of change.
Kind of change.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
well-done.
well-done.
[ applause .]
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]
Fight? [ grunts .]
[ laughs .]
[ grunts .]
[ laughs .]
narrator: What's got sal [ laughs .]
narrator: What's got sal acting all moussey-goosey? narrator: What's got sal acting all moussey-goosey? [ laughter .]
Acting all moussey-goosey? [ laughter .]
and which joker can't control [ laughter .]
and which joker can't control himself in tonight's punishment? And which joker can't control himself in tonight's punishment? [ laughter .]
Himself in tonight's punishment? [ laughter .]
prepare for something [ laughter .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! larry! I will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
all: En garde! today, we're instructors at suffolk fencing academy, and today, we're instructors at suffolk fencing academy, and we've got to do and say what the Suffolk fencing academy, and we've got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
We've got to do and say what the other guys tell us.
at the end, we'll ask our Other guys tell us.
at the end, we'll ask our students if they're willing to at the end, we'll ask our students if they're willing to take another lesson from us.
if you can't get your student to take another class, you lose.
To take another class, you lose.
you look like an adult-born you look like an adult-born baby.
Baby.
en garde, ass[bleep.]
be honest, you wore that here today.
Today.
I own it, yeah.
I own it, yeah.
okay.
Have you ever gone fencing in your life? okay.
Have you ever gone fencing in your life? no, not once.
Fencing in your life? no, not once.
yeah, okay.
no, not once.
yeah, okay.
You just have the outfit, right? yeah, okay.
You just have the outfit, right? [ laughter .]
You just have the outfit, right? [ laughter .]
hi.
How are you? [ laughter .]
hi.
How are you? okay, so, now tell her how to hi.
How are you? okay, so, now tell her how to hold her feet.
okay, so, now tell her how to hold her feet.
now, your feet -- stay there.
Hold her feet.
now, your feet -- stay there.
Stay there! now, your feet -- stay there.
Stay there! [ laughter .]
Stay there! [ laughter .]
check out her form.
[ laughter .]
check out her form.
so, let me see your form.
check out her form.
so, let me see your form.
Okay, remember to bend your so, let me see your form.
Okay, remember to bend your knees.
Okay, remember to bend your knees.
eh, unteachable.
Knees.
eh, unteachable.
[ laughter .]
eh, unteachable.
[ laughter .]
so, a skip forward like that.
[ laughter .]
so, a skip forward like that.
Try it.
so, a skip forward like that.
Try it.
Unteachable.
Try it.
Unteachable.
[ laughter .]
Unteachable.
[ laughter .]
he's given up on her in two [ laughter .]
he's given up on her in two minutes.
he's given up on her in two minutes.
yeah.
Minutes.
yeah.
now, when you want to lunge yeah.
now, when you want to lunge at someone now, when you want to lunge at someone all the way back, all the way At someone all the way back, all the way back.
all the way back, all the way back.
yeah, so see how I do it.
Back.
yeah, so see how I do it.
now lean forward all the way.
yeah, so see how I do it.
now lean forward all the way.
[ laughter .]
now lean forward all the way.
[ laughter .]
come back.
[ laughter .]
come back.
tell her "you can't touch come back.
tell her "you can't touch this" as you pass her.
tell her "you can't touch this" as you pass her.
can't touch this.
This" as you pass her.
can't touch this.
[ laughter .]
can't touch this.
[ laughter .]
oh, geez! [ laughter .]
oh, geez! There was a wall there.
oh, geez! There was a wall there.
let's try squaring off There was a wall there.
let's try squaring off against each other, okay? let's try squaring off against each other, okay? when she charges you, yell Against each other, okay? when she charges you, yell "no" like a teenage girl.
when she charges you, yell "no" like a teenage girl.
ready? Come to me.
"no" like a teenage girl.
ready? Come to me.
No! ready? Come to me.
No! [ laughter .]
No! [ laughter .]
come toward me.
Go.
[ laughter .]
come toward me.
Go.
No, no, no! Come toward me.
Go.
No, no, no! Not bad, though.
No, no, no! Not bad, though.
[ laughter .]
Not bad, though.
[ laughter .]
hey, you want to see [ laughter .]
hey, you want to see something cool? hey, you want to see something cool? you want to see something Something cool? you want to see something really cool? you want to see something really cool? "if I was mugging this dummy, Really cool? "if I was mugging this dummy, this is how I'd murder it.
" "if I was mugging this dummy, this is how I'd murder it.
" [ laughter .]
This is how I'd murder it.
" [ laughter .]
if I was mugging this dummy, [ laughter .]
if I was mugging this dummy, you want to see how I would if I was mugging this dummy, you want to see how I would murder it? [ laughter .]
[ grunts .]
what did that dummy do to you? what did that dummy do to you? [ laughter .]
You? [ laughter .]
do you think you would be [ laughter .]
do you think you would be interested in taking another do you think you would be interested in taking another fencing class with me? that's a no! no, no, no! [ buzzer .]
no, no, no! [ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
what's your name? Robert? Joe.
Pleased to meet you, man.
How are you? Joe.
Pleased to meet you, man.
How are you? good.
good.
oh, here we go.
so, you've taken fencing before? Before? yes.
yes.
yeah? Tell me a little bit about your experience with it.
yeah? Tell me a little bit about your experience with it.
joe, fall asleep listening to About your experience with it.
joe, fall asleep listening to this guy with your eyes open.
joe, fall asleep listening to this guy with your eyes open.
I fenced in college.
This guy with your eyes open.
I fenced in college.
I started in college.
I fenced in college.
I started in college.
And then I ended up captain.
I started in college.
And then I ended up captain.
[ snoring .]
And then I ended up captain.
[ snoring .]
[ laughter .]
[ snoring .]
[ laughter .]
I was in engineer, and then [ laughter .]
I was in engineer, and then my alumni where I went to I was in engineer, and then my alumni where I went to school, they asked me to let My alumni where I went to school, they asked me to let them do stuff like this -- School, they asked me to let them do stuff like this -- [ snoring .]
Them do stuff like this -- [ snoring .]
[ laughs .]
[ snoring .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
okay, here we go.
[ laughter .]
okay, here we go.
joe, big leaps.
okay, here we go.
joe, big leaps.
here it comes like a joe, big leaps.
here it comes like a mother[bleep.]
here it comes like a mother[bleep.]
[ laughter .]
Mother[bleep.]
[ laughter .]
that looks like a game of [ laughter .]
that looks like a game of "frogger.
" that looks like a game of "frogger.
" [ video-game sounds play .]
"frogger.
" [ video-game sounds play .]
[ laughter .]
[ video-game sounds play .]
[ laughter .]
"oh, man, I just got out of the [ laughter .]
"oh, man, I just got out of the hospital.
" "oh, man, I just got out of the hospital.
" [ sighs .]
Hospital.
" [ sighs .]
I just got out of the hospital.
[ sighs .]
I just got out of the hospital.
"had an emergency c-section.
" I just got out of the hospital.
"had an emergency c-section.
" [ laughter .]
"had an emergency c-section.
" [ laughter .]
I had an emergency c-section.
[ laughter .]
I had an emergency c-section.
But I'm feeling much better, I had an emergency c-section.
But I'm feeling much better, thanks.
But I'm feeling much better, thanks.
Ready? And Thanks.
Ready? And [ laughter .]
Ready? And [ laughter .]
keep distracting him by [ laughter .]
keep distracting him by running into things around the keep distracting him by running into things around the room.
Running into things around the room.
whoa.
Room.
whoa.
[ laughter .]
whoa.
[ laughter .]
distraction.
[ laughter .]
distraction.
[ laughter .]
Distraction.
[ laughter .]
let's take a break.
[ laughter .]
let's take a break.
Just [bleep.]
with you.
Let's take a break.
Just [bleep.]
with you.
[ laughter .]
Just [bleep.]
with you.
[ laughter .]
got me.
[ laughter .]
got me.
[ laughter .]
Got me.
[ laughter .]
let me just ask you a question.
[ laughter .]
let me just ask you a question.
Do you think that you would like Let me just ask you a question.
Do you think that you would like to take a follow-up class with Do you think that you would like to take a follow-up class with me? To take a follow-up class with me? Sure! Yeah! All right! Me? Sure! Yeah! All right! [ ding! .]
Sure! Yeah! All right! [ ding! .]
oh, wow.
[ imitates lightsaber buzzing .]
how long do you think you would last in a real sword Would last in a real sword fight? Fight? 10, 20 minutes.
10, 20 minutes.
is that how long it would is that how long it would take you to bleed out? [ laughter .]
Take you to bleed out? [ laughter .]
hey, how you doing? [ laughter .]
hey, how you doing? good.
hey, how you doing? good.
what's your name? good.
what's your name? What do you know about fencing? What do you know about fencing? um en garde.
um en garde.
en garde! en garde.
en garde! [ screams .]
en garde! [ screams .]
[ laughter .]
[ screams .]
[ laughter .]
all right, so, we haven't [ laughter .]
all right, so, we haven't really started yet.
all right, so, we haven't really started yet.
I'd just like to stretch for a Really started yet.
I'd just like to stretch for a minute before we start.
I'd just like to stretch for a minute before we start.
try to be as gelatinous as Minute before we start.
try to be as gelatinous as possible.
try to be as gelatinous as possible.
I do a little one on top.
Possible.
I do a little one on top.
I'm just like I do a little one on top.
I'm just like [ laughs .]
here he goes! I'm just like [ laughs .]
here he goes! [ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
here he goes! [ laughs .]
you want to stay loose.
[ laughs .]
you want to stay loose.
[ laughing .]
you want to stay loose.
[ laughing .]
you want to just stay loose.
[ laughing .]
you want to just stay loose.
how does your body move like you want to just stay loose.
how does your body move like that? how does your body move like that? you want to try it? That? you want to try it? Okay.
you want to try it? Okay.
[ laughter .]
Okay.
[ laughter .]
his glove fell.
[ laughter .]
his glove fell.
Yeah, the glove.
his glove fell.
Yeah, the glove.
[ laughter .]
Yeah, the glove.
[ laughter .]
all right, here we go.
[ laughter .]
all right, here we go.
now, remember, in fencing all right, here we go.
now, remember, in fencing now, remember, in fencing now, remember, in fencing now, remember, in fencing Keep your friends close now, remember, in fencing Keep your friends close Keep your friends close Keep your friends close Keep your friends close And your enemas closer.
Keep your friends close And your enemas closer.
And your enemas And your enemas closer.
And your enemas [ laughter .]
And your enemas [ laughter .]
Closer.
[ laughter .]
Closer.
No, I meant enemas.
Closer.
No, I meant enemas.
[ laughter .]
No, I meant enemas.
[ laughter .]
"I'm gonna show you how I [ laughter .]
"I'm gonna show you how I start off.
" "I'm gonna show you how I start off.
" I'm gonna show you how I Start off.
" I'm gonna show you how I start off.
I'm gonna show you how I start off.
throw the sword I in the air, Start off.
throw the sword I in the air, sal, do a 360-degree spin, catch throw the sword I in the air, sal, do a 360-degree spin, catch it, and yell "top banana.
" Sal, do a 360-degree spin, catch it, and yell "top banana.
" okay.
It, and yell "top banana.
" okay.
[ laughter .]
okay.
[ laughter .]
this is how I usually start off.
[ laughter .]
this is how I usually start off.
I like to start off with a This is how I usually start off.
I like to start off with a little flair.
I like to start off with a little flair.
It's fun.
Little flair.
It's fun.
okay.
It's fun.
okay.
so I'll come out, and I'll okay.
so I'll come out, and I'll go so I'll come out, and I'll go Top banana! Go Top banana! [ laughter .]
I would ask you, like, do you feel like you would take another lesson with me here? Feel like you would take another lesson with me here? Yeah.
Lesson with me here? Yeah.
[ buzzer .]
I'm brian.
I'm taylor.
I'm taylor.
very nice to meet you, very nice to meet you, taylor.
Taylor.
all right, have you ever all right, have you ever fenced before, taylor? Fenced before, taylor? Well, you're in good hands.
Well, you're in good hands.
okay, now let her come okay, now let her come towards you.
now you come towards me.
Towards you.
now you come towards me.
"ow, ow.
" now you come towards me.
"ow, ow.
" ow.
"ow, ow.
" ow.
"ow.
" ow.
"ow.
" ow, ow, ow.
"ow.
" ow, ow, ow.
Okay, okay.
Ow.
ow, ow, ow.
Okay, okay.
Ow.
"I'm actually really good.
Okay, okay.
Ow.
"I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding with you.
" "I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding with you.
" I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding with you.
" I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding around with I'm actually really good.
I'm just kidding around with you.
I'm just kidding around with you.
"do you believe me, how good You.
"do you believe me, how good I am?" "do you believe me, how good I am?" do you believe me, how good I I am?" do you believe me, how good I am? do you believe me, how good I am? "good.
Just in case, I'm Am? "good.
Just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you.
" "good.
Just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you.
" okay, just in case, I'm gonna Gonna prove it to you.
" okay, just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you right now.
okay, just in case, I'm gonna prove it to you right now.
"I'm gonna have my friend Prove it to you right now.
"I'm gonna have my friend come in, soren.
" "I'm gonna have my friend come in, soren.
" oh! Come in, soren.
" oh! in case you don't know, oh! in case you don't know, soren thompson is the in case you don't know, soren thompson is the Soren thompson is the the u.
S.
Olympic team that I the u.
S.
Olympic team that I decided to call and have come in The u.
S.
Olympic team that I decided to call and have come in and fence with you.
Decided to call and have come in and fence with you.
an olympic fencer? And fence with you.
an olympic fencer? [ laughter .]
an olympic fencer? [ laughter .]
so, you know, you're gonna [ laughter .]
so, you know, you're gonna fence soren.
so, you know, you're gonna fence soren.
[ laughs .]
Fence soren.
[ laughs .]
aw, look.
And he's tall, too.
[ laughs .]
aw, look.
And he's tall, too.
[ laughter .]
aw, look.
And he's tall, too.
[ laughter .]
so, I'm about to [ laughter .]
so, I'm about to All right.
So, I'm about to All right.
[ laughter .]
All right.
[ laughter .]
come on, pal.
[ laughter .]
come on, pal.
oh, my god! Come on, pal.
oh, my god! oh, my god.
oh, my god! oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
oh! [ buzzer .]
oh! get him, soren! oh! get him, soren! Get him, get him! get him, soren! Get him, get him! no, no.
Get him, get him! no, no.
[ buzzer .]
no, no.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
all right, this ain't the [ laughter .]
all right, this ain't the olympics no more.
All right, this ain't the olympics no more.
This is street! Olympics no more.
This is street! [ laughter .]
This is street! [ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
what happened to you that made [ laughter .]
what happened to you that made you whack us? What happened to you that made you whack us? [ laughter .]
You whack us? [ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
one in the heck again! [ laughter .]
one in the heck again! come on, you bitch.
one in the heck again! come on, you bitch.
[ laughter .]
come on, you bitch.
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
[ buzzer .]
ow! [ buzzer .]
ow! you're done, you're done.
Ow! you're done, you're done.
[ laughter .]
you're done, you're done.
[ laughter .]
so, what have we learned? [ laughter .]
so, what have we learned? [ breathing heavily .]
so, what have we learned? [ breathing heavily .]
never go up against an [ breathing heavily .]
never go up against an olympian.
never go up against an olympian.
[ laughter .]
Olympian.
[ laughter .]
will you take another class [ laughter .]
will you take another class with me? will you take another class with me? [ laughter .]
With me? [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
oh, my god.
[ ding! .]
oh, my god.
narrator: Both murr and sal oh, my god.
narrator: Both murr and sal were foiled, so they're first up narrator: Both murr and sal were foiled, so they're first up on the loser board.
Were foiled, so they're first up on the loser board.
hey! On the loser board.
hey! We're always styling.
hey! We're always styling.
Right, right? We're always styling.
Right, right? But today we're doing it Right, right? But today we're doing it at astor place hair.
while working as hair stylists, we'll have to do and Stylists, we'll have to do and say what the other guys tell us.
Say what the other guys tell us.
and if you refuse to do and if you refuse to do anything, you lose.
Anything, you lose.
ted, I'm gonna get you ted, I'm gonna get you looking good, buddy.
Looking good, buddy.
You're gonna look so sharp.
You're gonna look so sharp.
Where are you from? Where are you from? Oh, what part of cali? Oh, what part of cali? stick as many combs in his stick as many combs in his hair as possible.
oh, lake tahoe.
Yeah.
oh, lake tahoe.
Yeah.
[ laughs .]
nice place.
Very nice place.
[ laughs .]
nice place.
Very nice place.
[ laughs .]
nice place.
Very nice place.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
how do you feel? [ laughs .]
how do you feel? [ laughter .]
how do you feel? [ laughter .]
get into a fight with this [ laughter .]
get into a fight with this lady.
get into a fight with this lady.
you stealing my thing again? Lady.
you stealing my thing again? Every time, we talk about this.
you stealing my thing again? Every time, we talk about this.
Now, get away.
Every time, we talk about this.
Now, get away.
[ laughter .]
Now, get away.
[ laughter .]
get away.
[ laughter .]
get away.
he's frozen in shock.
Get away.
he's frozen in shock.
[ laughter .]
he's frozen in shock.
[ laughter .]
sir, what are we looking for? [ laughter .]
sir, what are we looking for? I just need the sides and the Sir, what are we looking for? I just need the sides and the back.
I just need the sides and the back.
all right, q, in the drawer Back.
all right, q, in the drawer to the left there, we planted a all right, q, in the drawer to the left there, we planted a cheeseburger.
To the left there, we planted a cheeseburger.
Just go grab the burger, bud.
Cheeseburger.
Just go grab the burger, bud.
Why don't you eat it while Just go grab the burger, bud.
Why don't you eat it while cutting his hair? Why don't you eat it while cutting his hair? [ laughter .]
Cutting his hair? [ laughter .]
one hand on that, the other [ laughter .]
one hand on that, the other hand One hand on that, the other hand [ spray bottle hissing .]
Hand [ spray bottle hissing .]
[ laughs .]
[ spray bottle hissing .]
[ laughs .]
"so not too much off the top, [ laughs .]
"so not too much off the top, right?" "so not too much off the top, right?" not too much off the top, Right?" not too much off the top, right? not too much off the top, right? yeah.
Right? yeah.
For the most part, yeah.
yeah.
For the most part, yeah.
look at him in the mirror.
For the most part, yeah.
look at him in the mirror.
Look at him in the mirror.
look at him in the mirror.
Look at him in the mirror.
He's giving him a death stare.
Look at him in the mirror.
He's giving him a death stare.
you need to take a hold of He's giving him a death stare.
you need to take a hold of your life, guy! you need to take a hold of your life, guy! Stand up! Your life, guy! Stand up! [ laughter .]
Stand up! [ laughter .]
want a bite? [ laughter .]
want a bite? [ laughter .]
want a bite? [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
all right, murr, hide.
Hide, hide, hide, hide! Hurry, hide, hide! Hide, hide, hide, hide! Hurry, hide, hide! [ laughter .]
Hurry, hide, hide! [ laughter .]
here we go.
Here we go.
[ laughter .]
hey, I'm james.
[ laughter .]
hey, I'm james.
hi.
hey, I'm james.
hi.
nice to meet you.
hi.
nice to meet you.
nice to meet you.
nice to meet you.
nice to meet you.
what's your name? nice to meet you.
what's your name? scott.
what's your name? scott.
scott? scott.
scott? talk to him about what he scott? talk to him about what he wants to do with his hair from talk to him about what he wants to do with his hair from there.
Wants to do with his hair from there.
[ laughter .]
There.
[ laughter .]
what are you looking to do [ laughter .]
what are you looking to do with your hair, scott? murr, "okay, I'll be right out.
" [ laughter .]
Out.
" [ laughter .]
murr, check out what's in the [ laughter .]
murr, check out what's in the apron.
murr, check out what's in the apron.
oh! Apron.
oh! oh! oh! oh! oh, murr, you found it.
oh! oh, murr, you found it.
oh, my god! oh, murr, you found it.
oh, my god! there's your toupee, buddy.
oh, my god! there's your toupee, buddy.
Put it on.
there's your toupee, buddy.
Put it on.
[ laughter .]
Put it on.
[ laughter .]
that's your new toupee.
[ laughter .]
that's your new toupee.
james, nice to meet you.
that's your new toupee.
james, nice to meet you.
yeah.
james, nice to meet you.
yeah.
very nice to meet you.
yeah.
very nice to meet you.
Have a seat.
very nice to meet you.
Have a seat.
"when I get a hair cut, I Have a seat.
"when I get a hair cut, I judge the person's hair who's "when I get a hair cut, I judge the person's hair who's cutting me.
" Judge the person's hair who's cutting me.
" yeah.
Cutting me.
" yeah.
so this guy should get up and yeah.
so this guy should get up and run.
so this guy should get up and run.
[ laughs .]
Run.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
put it back on, put it back [ laughs .]
put it back on, put it back on.
put it back on, put it back on.
and look at him now.
On.
and look at him now.
[ laughter .]
and look at him now.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god, that looks even [ laughter .]
oh, my god, that looks even better! oh, my god, that looks even better! oh, god! Better! oh, god! oh, there it goes.
oh, god! oh, there it goes.
[ laughs .]
oh, there it goes.
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
you got highlights this time.
[ laughter .]
you got highlights this time.
Put it back on.
You got highlights this time.
Put it back on.
[ laughs .]
Put it back on.
[ laughs .]
every time you come up, it's [ laughs .]
every time you come up, it's a different hairstyle.
every time you come up, it's a different hairstyle.
[ laughter .]
A different hairstyle.
[ laughter .]
murr, what was this guy's name? [ laughter .]
murr, what was this guy's name? remind me of your name one Murr, what was this guy's name? remind me of your name one more time.
remind me of your name one more time.
theo.
More time.
theo.
"oh, it's not wet willy?" theo.
"oh, it's not wet willy?" give him a double wet willy.
"oh, it's not wet willy?" give him a double wet willy.
[ laughing .]
Give him a double wet willy.
[ laughing .]
yeah, that's never gonna [ laughing .]
yeah, that's never gonna happen.
yeah, that's never gonna happen.
[ buzzer .]
Happen.
[ buzzer .]
[ laughter .]
how's everything, bud? Good, good.
Good, good.
let me grab the water bottle.
let me grab the water bottle.
Never stop spraying.
Never stop spraying.
[ laughter .]
there we go.
[ laughter .]
there we go.
so, are you from this area, there we go.
so, are you from this area, or -- Let's see.
I've been here about six months.
[ laughter .]
I've been here about six months.
[ laughter .]
look at it dripping.
[ laughter .]
look at it dripping.
It's like raining off his head.
look at it dripping.
It's like raining off his head.
comb the hair forward, bud.
It's like raining off his head.
comb the hair forward, bud.
I just want to see comb the hair forward, bud.
I just want to see [ laughs .]
I just want to see [ laughs .]
sal, put the comb through his [ laughs .]
sal, put the comb through his hair.
sal, put the comb through his hair.
You like the way the comb Hair.
You like the way the comb smells.
You like the way the comb smells.
[ sniffs .]
Smells.
[ sniffs .]
[ laughter, applause .]
[ sniffs .]
[ laughter, applause .]
sal, put the whole towel on [ laughter, applause .]
sal, put the whole towel on his head.
sal, put the whole towel on his head.
Whole towel on his head.
His head.
Whole towel on his head.
when you have short hair, Whole towel on his head.
when you have short hair, it's easier.
when you have short hair, it's easier.
I can say, "oh, you're trying to It's easier.
I can say, "oh, you're trying to buzz it yourself.
" I can say, "oh, you're trying to buzz it yourself.
" anything by myself or by Buzz it yourself.
" anything by myself or by anyone -- anything by myself or by anyone -- right.
Anyone -- right.
[ laughter .]
right.
[ laughter .]
and walk away.
[ laughter .]
and walk away.
give me one sec.
and walk away.
give me one sec.
[ laughter .]
give me one sec.
[ laughter .]
sal [ laughter .]
sal yeah? sal yeah? How's it? Bright in there? yeah? How's it? Bright in there? yeah.
How's it? Bright in there? yeah.
well, look in the cup.
yeah.
well, look in the cup.
Look in the cup on the counter.
well, look in the cup.
Look in the cup on the counter.
oh, no, not these [bleep.]
Look in the cup on the counter.
oh, no, not these [bleep.]
glasses.
oh, no, not these [bleep.]
glasses.
[ laughter .]
Glasses.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no.
you're officially a blind No, no, no.
you're officially a blind barber.
you're officially a blind barber.
is this the best place for Barber.
is this the best place for this? is this the best place for this? I'm holding shears.
This? I'm holding shears.
yes, it's the perfect place I'm holding shears.
yes, it's the perfect place for it.
yes, it's the perfect place for it.
oh [bleep.]
me.
For it.
oh [bleep.]
me.
embrace the darkness.
oh [bleep.]
me.
embrace the darkness.
let me get a feel for this embrace the darkness.
let me get a feel for this thing.
let me get a feel for this thing.
[ laughs .]
Thing.
[ laughs .]
you look like an idiot [ laughs .]
you look like an idiot wearing sunglasses indoors.
you look like an idiot wearing sunglasses indoors.
oh! Wearing sunglasses indoors.
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
I was back here, bud.
[ laughter .]
I was back here, bud.
What happened? I was back here, bud.
What happened? I missed it.
What happened? I missed it.
I went to the bathroom real I missed it.
I went to the bathroom real quick.
I went to the bathroom real quick.
you are an ass[bleep.]
man.
Quick.
you are an ass[bleep.]
man.
I've done it every time you are an ass[bleep.]
man.
I've done it every time you've put the glasses on in our I've done it every time you've put the glasses on in our show -- every time.
You've put the glasses on in our show -- every time.
Quick montage.
Show -- every time.
Quick montage.
oh! Quick montage.
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
Oh! [ laughter .]
hey! [ laughter .]
hey! How you doing? Hey! How you doing? Have a seat.
How you doing? Have a seat.
[ laughter .]
Have a seat.
[ laughter .]
what are you looking for? "all right, let me just grab the water bottle.
" put that down.
The water bottle.
" put that down.
Go grab the scissors.
Put that down.
Go grab the scissors.
[ laughter .]
Go grab the scissors.
[ laughter .]
I'm just looking for the [ laughter .]
I'm just looking for the scissors.
I'm just looking for the scissors.
"oh, wait.
You know what? Scissors.
"oh, wait.
You know what? I got to get different "oh, wait.
You know what? I got to get different scissors.
" I got to get different scissors.
" I got to get different Scissors.
" I got to get different scissors.
I got to get different scissors.
they're all the way on the Scissors.
they're all the way on the other side of the store.
[ laughter .]
just give me one second.
just give me one second.
go ahead.
Walk straight.
straight.
go ahead.
Walk straight.
straight.
turn right and whistle.
straight.
turn right and whistle.
Turn right and whistle.
turn right and whistle.
Turn right and whistle.
[ wolf-whistles .]
Turn right and whistle.
[ wolf-whistles .]
[ laughter .]
[ wolf-whistles .]
[ laughter .]
straight.
[ laughter .]
straight.
Straight.
straight.
Straight.
Left.
Straight.
Left.
[ laughs .]
Left.
[ laughs .]
turn around and sit down.
[ laughs .]
turn around and sit down.
[ laughter .]
turn around and sit down.
[ laughter .]
sorry, sorry.
[ laughter .]
sorry, sorry.
okay, bud, grab that mousse.
sorry, sorry.
okay, bud, grab that mousse.
Go back behind him, lift it up okay, bud, grab that mousse.
Go back behind him, lift it up in the air.
Go back behind him, lift it up in the air.
We'll tell you when you're right In the air.
We'll tell you when you're right over his head.
We'll tell you when you're right over his head.
Good.
Okay, perfect.
Over his head.
Good.
Okay, perfect.
[ laughter .]
You're nailing it, you're nailing it.
in case you didn't notice, Nailing it.
in case you didn't notice, I'm blind as [bleep.]
in case you didn't notice, I'm blind as [bleep.]
[ ding! .]
I'm blind as [bleep.]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
Yo, stretch his face out.
do you mind if I take the glasses off for a second? do you mind if I take the glasses off for a second? Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Glasses off for a second? Yeah, yeah, thanks.
I didn't want to hurt -- so, you Yeah, yeah, thanks.
I didn't want to hurt -- so, you wanted to I didn't want to hurt -- so, you wanted to [ laughter .]
Wanted to [ laughter .]
you want these two sides.
[ laughter .]
you want these two sides.
now squish his face together.
You want these two sides.
now squish his face together.
my recommendation would be to now squish his face together.
my recommendation would be to do like a green here and then a my recommendation would be to do like a green here and then a green back here, and then you Do like a green here and then a green back here, and then you want to do some green and the Green back here, and then you want to do some green and the two greens here with a black, so Want to do some green and the two greens here with a black, so five strips.
Two greens here with a black, so five strips.
You can put the glasses back on.
Five strips.
You can put the glasses back on.
now just start pumping his You can put the glasses back on.
now just start pumping his chair.
now just start pumping his chair.
sorry.
Chair.
sorry.
Let me just get that sorry.
Let me just get that They reversed the chair on me.
Let me just get that They reversed the chair on me.
oh.
They reversed the chair on me.
oh.
[ laughter .]
oh.
[ laughter .]
it's something like -- you're [ laughter .]
it's something like -- you're gonna want five like that.
It's something like -- you're gonna want five like that.
[ laughter .]
Gonna want five like that.
[ laughter .]
yo, try and hook him up with [ laughter .]
yo, try and hook him up with your ugly cousin.
yo, try and hook him up with your ugly cousin.
what's this for? Your ugly cousin.
what's this for? You going on a date? what's this for? You going on a date? 'cause I got a cousin, belinda.
You going on a date? 'cause I got a cousin, belinda.
you call her balloonda.
'cause I got a cousin, belinda.
you call her balloonda.
her nickname's balloonda, you call her balloonda.
her nickname's balloonda, but she's got a heart of gold.
her nickname's balloonda, but she's got a heart of gold.
She's a little round.
But she's got a heart of gold.
She's a little round.
she's got a wooden leg.
She's a little round.
she's got a wooden leg.
It's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg.
It's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg, but It's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg, but it's a hoot.
she's got a wooden leg, but it's a hoot.
it comes to a point.
It's a hoot.
it comes to a point.
the leg comes to a point, it comes to a point.
the leg comes to a point, though.
the leg comes to a point, though.
She's got, like, a little bit -- Though.
She's got, like, a little bit -- when she sashays, it's nice.
I think you're gonna dig it.
she looks like a trash bag she looks like a trash bag full of mango pulp.
if I'm gonna be honest with Full of mango pulp.
if I'm gonna be honest with you, she looks like a trash bag if I'm gonna be honest with you, she looks like a trash bag full of fresh mango pulp.
You, she looks like a trash bag full of fresh mango pulp.
[ laughter .]
Full of fresh mango pulp.
[ laughter .]
she's a sweetheart, though.
[ laughter .]
she's a sweetheart, though.
she's a sweetheart.
she's a sweetheart, though.
she's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart of a girl.
she's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart of a girl.
it's what's inside that Sweetheart of a girl.
it's what's inside that counts.
it's what's inside that counts.
it's on the inside that Counts.
it's on the inside that counts.
it's on the inside that counts.
she's only got one kidney.
Counts.
she's only got one kidney.
she's only got one kidney, she's only got one kidney.
she's only got one kidney, though, on the inside she's only got one kidney, though, on the inside [ laughter .]
Though, on the inside [ laughter .]
And had a hysterectomy at [ laughter .]
And had a hysterectomy at age 12.
And had a hysterectomy at age 12.
[ laughs .]
Age 12.
[ laughs .]
now, she's great.
[ laughs .]
now, she's great.
I'm telling you, she's got a now, she's great.
I'm telling you, she's got a hell of a sense of humor.
I'm telling you, she's got a hell of a sense of humor.
Loves knock-knock jokes.
Hell of a sense of humor.
Loves knock-knock jokes.
Can't finish them, though, Loves knock-knock jokes.
Can't finish them, though, 'cause she's got amnesia.
Can't finish them, though, 'cause she's got amnesia.
[ laughs .]
'cause she's got amnesia.
[ laughs .]
she has gamma-ray poisoning.
[ laughs .]
she has gamma-ray poisoning.
but she also has some she has gamma-ray poisoning.
but she also has some gamma-ray poisoning.
but she also has some gamma-ray poisoning.
kind of like the hulk.
Gamma-ray poisoning.
kind of like the hulk.
she has both set of kind of like the hulk.
she has both set of genitalia.
she has both set of genitalia.
super sweet.
Genitalia.
super sweet.
And she's got both set of super sweet.
And she's got both set of genitalia, so And she's got both set of genitalia, so [ laughter .]
Genitalia, so [ laughter .]
basically, she doesn't need [ laughter .]
basically, she doesn't need you.
basically, she doesn't need you.
She can go [bleep.]
herself You.
She can go [bleep.]
herself whenever she wants.
She can go [bleep.]
herself whenever she wants.
[ laughter .]
Whenever she wants.
[ laughter .]
what?! [ laughter .]
what?! [ laughter .]
what?! [ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
[ laughter .]
[ ding! .]
[ applause .]
[ ding! .]
[ applause .]
murr couldn't cut it, making [ applause .]
murr couldn't cut it, making him tonight's big loser.
murr couldn't cut it, making him tonight's big loser.
hey, murr, you lost! Him tonight's big loser.
hey, murr, you lost! yay! hey, murr, you lost! yay! hey, and for your punishment, yay! hey, and for your punishment, all you got to do, buddy, is hey, and for your punishment, all you got to do, buddy, is give a presentation on climate All you got to do, buddy, is give a presentation on climate change.
Give a presentation on climate change.
I can do that blindfolded.
Change.
I can do that blindfolded.
okay, that's easy, because I can do that blindfolded.
okay, that's easy, because you'll be behind the podium, and okay, that's easy, because you'll be behind the podium, and we'll be underneath it.
You'll be behind the podium, and we'll be underneath it.
[ laughter .]
We'll be underneath it.
[ laughter .]
you have to do the [ laughter .]
you have to do the presentation no matter what we you have to do the presentation no matter what we do to your lower half.
Presentation no matter what we do to your lower half.
That's it.
Do to your lower half.
That's it.
[ laughter .]
That's it.
[ laughter .]
#testicles.
[ laughter .]
#testicles.
[ laughter .]
#testicles.
[ laughter .]
I haven't been this excited [ laughter .]
I haven't been this excited in a while.
I haven't been this excited in a while.
We have a lot of good ideas, In a while.
We have a lot of good ideas, fellas.
We have a lot of good ideas, fellas.
Good work all around.
Fellas.
Good work all around.
Congratulations.
Good work all around.
Congratulations.
my name is james murray.
Congratulations.
my name is james murray.
Thank you so much for coming my name is james murray.
Thank you so much for coming here today.
Thank you so much for coming here today.
I am an expert on environmental Here today.
I am an expert on environmental studies, and I'm going to take I am an expert on environmental studies, and I'm going to take you through a presentation that Studies, and I'm going to take you through a presentation that we've put together on climate You through a presentation that we've put together on climate change.
We've put together on climate change.
all right, I'll be right Change.
all right, I'll be right back.
all right, I'll be right back.
cfcs -- you've all heard of Back.
cfcs -- you've all heard of them.
cfcs -- you've all heard of them.
Cfcs are what's in aerosol cans, Them.
Cfcs are what's in aerosol cans, sprays, and it has Cfcs are what's in aerosol cans, sprays, and it has what has he got? Sprays, and it has what has he got? it's leg wax.
what has he got? it's leg wax.
[ laughs .]
it's leg wax.
[ laughs .]
in america, we've passed a [ laughs .]
in america, we've passed a number of in america, we've passed a number of [ laughter .]
Number of [ laughter .]
still allows -- aah! [ laughter .]
still allows -- aah! oh! Still allows -- aah! oh! [ laughter .]
oh! [ laughter .]
it is [ laughter .]
it is oh, I heard it.
it is oh, I heard it.
look at sal! oh, I heard it.
look at sal! [ laughter .]
look at sal! [ laughter .]
okay.
[ laughter .]
okay.
More radiation hits the earth.
okay.
More radiation hits the earth.
2, 3.
More radiation hits the earth.
2, 3.
next slide! 2, 3.
next slide! [ laughter .]
next slide! [ laughter .]
and their climate, their [ laughter .]
and their climate, their environment is changing quicker And their climate, their environment is changing quicker than we can stop.
Environment is changing quicker than we can stop.
nice, nice! Than we can stop.
nice, nice! [ laughs .]
classic, classic.
nice, nice! [ laughs .]
classic, classic.
this jet stream is not just [ laughs .]
classic, classic.
this jet stream is not just over america.
this jet stream is not just over america.
yo, I heard of a jet stream Over america.
yo, I heard of a jet stream about to happen.
yo, I heard of a jet stream about to happen.
it goes around the entire About to happen.
it goes around the entire world, circles -- it goes around the entire world, circles -- [ spray can hissing .]
World, circles -- [ spray can hissing .]
gee! [ spray can hissing .]
gee! in the u.
S.
, we only focus on gee! in the u.
S.
, we only focus on a hurricane that hits, and it in the u.
S.
, we only focus on a hurricane that hits, and it seems like it's a fluke, A hurricane that hits, and it seems like it's a fluke, one-in-a-century hurricane.
Seems like it's a fluke, one-in-a-century hurricane.
now step out.
One-in-a-century hurricane.
now step out.
the earth is changing at a now step out.
the earth is changing at a level that is unsustainable.
the earth is changing at a level that is unsustainable.
oh, my god, that is a lot! Level that is unsustainable.
oh, my god, that is a lot! got to make sure they can see oh, my god, that is a lot! got to make sure they can see it in the back row.
got to make sure they can see it in the back row.
now, when glaciers melt, the It in the back row.
now, when glaciers melt, the massive weight on the earth's now, when glaciers melt, the massive weight on the earth's crust is reduced.
Massive weight on the earth's crust is reduced.
that's gonna hurt.
Crust is reduced.
that's gonna hurt.
[ mousetrap snaps .]
that's gonna hurt.
[ mousetrap snaps .]
what the? [ mousetrap snaps .]
what the? [ laughing .]
what the? [ laughing .]
okay, murr, walk out.
[ laughing .]
okay, murr, walk out.
now, the police ice caps.
okay, murr, walk out.
now, the police ice caps.
[ laughter .]
now, the police ice caps.
[ laughter .]
at the current rate of retreat, [ laughter .]
at the current rate of retreat, all of the glaciers at the At the current rate of retreat, all of the glaciers at the glacier national park will be All of the glaciers at the glacier national park will be gone.
Glacier national park will be gone.
Next slide.
Gone.
Next slide.
The pain of pollution.
Next slide.
The pain of pollution.
women's shoes.
The pain of pollution.
women's shoes.
nice.
women's shoes.
nice.
many of the actions that nice.
many of the actions that that's so weird.
many of the actions that that's so weird.
now, the three different that's so weird.
now, the three different lines.
now, the three different lines.
[ laughter .]
Lines.
[ laughter .]
you can see [ laughter .]
you can see Our ozone depletion and our You can see Our ozone depletion and our pollution content in our Our ozone depletion and our pollution content in our atmosphere is going to increase Pollution content in our atmosphere is going to increase tenfold.
Atmosphere is going to increase tenfold.
this audience must be like, Tenfold.
this audience must be like, "this guy is absolutely insane.
" this audience must be like, "this guy is absolutely insane.
" let's move on.
"this guy is absolutely insane.
" let's move on.
I'm up.
let's move on.
I'm up.
okay.
I'm up.
okay.
I got a friend.
okay.
I got a friend.
now, the sea level is rising.
I got a friend.
now, the sea level is rising.
They say that now, the sea level is rising.
They say that oh, my god.
They say that oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god.
[ laughter .]
uh, the global sea level has, [ laughter .]
uh, the global sea level has, uh, risen by nine inches.
uh, the global sea level has, uh, risen by nine inches.
What? Uh, risen by nine inches.
What? [ laughs .]
What? [ laughs .]
hi.
[ laughs .]
hi.
[ laughter .]
hi.
[ laughter .]
oh, my god! [ laughter .]
oh, my god! [ laughter .]
oh, my god! [ laughter .]
let's talk about climate -- [ laughter .]
let's talk about climate -- daily activities that could let's talk about climate -- daily activities that could affect climate change.
Daily activities that could affect climate change.
there you go.
Affect climate change.
there you go.
Nice job, buddy.
Nice job.
there you go.
Nice job, buddy.
Nice job.
if you had bought local Nice job, buddy.
Nice job.
if you had bought local produce if you had bought local produce all right, come on back, Produce all right, come on back, joey.
all right, come on back, joey.
Yeah, yeah.
Joey.
Yeah, yeah.
[ laughs .]
Yeah, yeah.
[ laughs .]
the change that that would [ laughs .]
the change that that would cause the change that that would cause hey, murr, why don't you just Cause hey, murr, why don't you just take a stroll from behind that hey, murr, why don't you just take a stroll from behind that podium? Take a stroll from behind that podium? if you had just chosen to eat Podium? if you had just chosen to eat local and to buy local, that if you had just chosen to eat local and to buy local, that change would be dramatic.
Local and to buy local, that change would be dramatic.
[ laughter .]
[bleep.]
yes! change is a-coming.
change is a-coming.
Better make sure it's the right Better make sure it's the right kind of change.
Kind of change.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
well-done.
well-done.
[ applause .]
[ applause .]
[ laughter .]