In Living Color (1990) s04e02 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go [Theme: Dance.]
You are strong, you are beautiful, you are perfect.
Welcome once again to the show by, for and about women.
.
.
- Go on Girl.
- All right.
I'm your host, Shawanda Harvey.
Tonight, we're pitting the independent woman of the '90s.
.
.
against the traditional homemaker of the past.
Please welcome the very motherly, Mrs.
George Bush.
- Go on, girl! - Go on, girl! - [Audience Applauding.]
- Thank you so much.
Please, call me Barbara, Shanaqua.
- Uh, please call me Shawanda, Barbara.
- Hmm? Girl, you are sound, you are strong.
- You are a shining example of womanhood.
- Oh, thank you, Shiitake.
Incidentally, uh, I brought you something.
.
.
an apple pie that I baked myself.
- Mmm! - Go on, girl.
My next guest is the very independent, Miss Hillary Clinton.
[Audience.]
Go on, girl! - [Audience Applauding.]
- Girl, you are bold, you are bad, you are beautiful.
- Welcome, sister.
- Thank you, Shawanda.
It's a pleasure to be here.
I'm sorry I didn't bring anything.
But I'm a partner in a very prestigious law firm.
.
.
and I don't sit around the house baking cookies all day.
[Laughing.]
Well, Shenandoah.
.
.
I'm not going to apologize, really, for believing that being a mother.
.
.
was more important than pursuing some personal, rather selfish, career goals.
Oh, she does have a point.
Perhaps I should stay at home and make sure that my children don't grow up.
.
.
and become savings and loan crooks.
- Or adulterers.
- Excuse me? Well, uh, sister, they say that this horny Gomer Pyle husband of yours.
.
.
did go off and sleep with that other woman.
Now, that's never been proved.
I mean, I know my Bill.
Who doesn't? I trust him.
And I could care less about some allegations made by a desperate woman.
In fact, it means so little to me, I can't even remember this woman's name.
I believe it was Gennifer Flowers, dear.
I hold no grudges against her.
I just want to become First Lady so I can become more involved in the social issues.
I mean, in fact, I've already started a new support group.
It's called Mothers Against Sluts.
Well, this sister is dedicated.
This sister is daring.
This sister is drinking! Ask her about the affair her husband had.
[Chuckles.]
Well, my goodness, Shaka Zulu, that was never confirmed.
That was never confirmed at all.
It was not proven.
It was an allegation made by some very jealous people.
Well, what do you expect? Your husband used to run the C.
I.
A.
I mean, if he can hide missiles under the Ayatollah.
.
.
he can sure as hell hide a few pairs of nasty boxers! Sisters, sisters, please!Now, you are better than this.
You are proud.
You are persevering.
Girl, you a pig! You can't really blame her.
She's just trying to fill in all those wrinkles! Oh, yeah? Well, your daughter's so ugly, Woody Allen wouldn't even touch her! Sisters, please! Now, now, now.
Haven't we suffered enough at the hands of men? We must unshackle ourselves from the vices of the weaker sex.
We must band together and find our true selves.
- Shawanda, you are so right.
- I know.
- This isn't the real me.
- Mm-hmm.
- I hate this dress! - I do too.
- This is the real me.
- Wow! Were you on Hee Haw? No! Dukes of Hazzard.
And I'm not some stuffed corporate type.
I'm a party girl and I wanna rock! - Oh, my! - You've gone a little too far, girl.
You know something, Chaka Khan, I've got something I'd like to tell you too.
I am not who I pretend to be.
They force to me to dress this way.
Oh, now, don't you go on, girl.
They forced me to masquerade as George's mother for too long! I want to live! I want to live! I'm not even fat! I've got an idea.
Let's go to Chippendales.
.
.
and cram some of that campaign support into some jock straps! - Well, all right! - Ar! Ar! Ar! Last one there buys the margaritas.
Whoo-hoo! Now, that's what a domineering man will do for you, sisters.
Now, if Bush and Clinton can't satisfy their own wives.
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.
what are they gonna do for the rest of the country? Until next time, Go on Girl.
Wait up.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have actually bent the spoon.
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.
using merely the powers of my incredible mind.
- [Applause.]
- Isn't that wild? Isn't that wild? Now, the Kreskin challenge.
I will give $10,000 to anyone in this room.
.
.
who can duplicate or surpass what I'm doing here tonight.
Is there anybody in the room who is versed.
.
.
in the art of psychic phenomenon? Yo, yo, yo, Kreskin! Let me get in on this challenge, man.
- You want to do this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You would like to come in here and show us your stuff? - Yeah, yeah.
Let me get on it.
- [Woman.]
Wow! - Isn't that wild? Oh, you poor sucker.
Okay.
What is your name, sir? Uh, my name is The Amazing.
.
.
[Clears Throat.]
uh, Laurent.
The Amazing Laurent.
Well, Laurent, I love a challenge.
You, give me your hand.
[Sniffing.]
I'm sensing.
.
.
I'm sensing that in the last month you've had visitors.
Am I correct? - Yeah, my parents were just here on vacation.
- That's right.
Isn't that wild? All right, all right.
[Blows.]
All right, give me a pound.
All right.
Now, I believe in the past month.
.
.
you was up against a wall assuming the position.
- Yeah, I was pulled over by the police twice.
- Ha ha.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
- I can even tell you exactly what the police said, right? - Right.
- " You fit the description of somebody we lookin' for.
" - Yeah.
- "Step away from the vehicle.
" - Yeah.
- "Sit your butt on the curb.
" - Yeah.
- "Put your hands behind your neck.
" - Yeah.
- "You got any drugs in this car?" - That's what he said.
- "You look like you high on P.
C.
P.
" - Yeah.
- " You been associating with known gang members?" - Hell, yeah.
.
.
- "Wasn't you in the car with Rodney King?" - No, man! That's what he said! That's what he said, dawg! That's what he said, man! Isn't that amusing? [Chuckling.]
Quite amusing.
.
.
indeed.
But not quite an example of psychic phenomenon.
- Watch and learn.
Madam.
- Oh! I sense that during the last year this lady has changed careers.
But she does not like her new job.
Am I correct? Huh? Yes! That's right.
Hey, I do hate my new job.
- Isn't that wild? - That's weak.
Isn't that amazing? Top that, Laurent.
All right, all right.
Uh, I'm sensing in the last year.
.
.
you couldn't find not near no parts of no job, right? That's right, and I was looking too.
Ah! Ah! And I'm also sensing that you would have loved to have that job.
.
.
- that old white lady's over there bitching about.
- In a minute.
Why don't you tell us something more specific about her? Intimate details.
Huh? All right.
Okay.
And I'm also sensing, uh, that.
.
.
- Yo, girl, that a wig? - Hell, no.
All right.
Uh, I'm sensing that, in the last month.
.
.
you, uh, burned up the back of your neck, uh, in the kitchen more than once with a hot comb.
- Damn, if he ain't right! He is good! - Yeah! Ha ha! Through my telekinetic powers.
.
.
I will now read what is inside your purse.
I'm seeing a word.
.
.
"phenomenon.
" No.
Uh, I'm seeing the letters T-W-A.
Do they mean anything to you? Yes.
I have a plane ticket on TWA.
Isn't that eerie? Come on, gimme those, girl.
- Don't! Don't.
.
.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! All right! Okay! - Get away from my purse! - You gonna get it back! You gonna get it back! Sit down.
Would you stop that? I'm, uh, sensing some letters.
I'm sensing three letters.
.
.
T-C-B.
That mean anything to you? - That's my activator! - Ha ha! - There they are.
- Give me that! Damn! And judging from that attitude, I'm sensing three more letters.
.
.
O-B-G.
Those my tampons! How did he know about them? My tampons? I know your game now.
Let me pick the person.
Tell me what that lady is thinking right over there? All right, all right.
Excuse me.
All right, man.
- Bitch, you scared of me? - Yes! All right, give me my money.
Give me my money.
Give me my money.
- No.
- Give me my money.
- I don't think so.
- Give the man his money.
Give me my money! Give me.
.
.
All right, see, see.
This is how it started, right? This is how it started, Normandy and Florence.
Right? Right up here.
All right, look, I got one last prediction.
I sense in this room hostility, I sense anger.
.
.
and if you don't give me my money right now, I sense a natural ass whupping! The Amazing Laurent, ladies and gentlemen.
- The Amazing Laurent.
- Hey, Laurent, wait up.
Letitia, wait! Letitia! Leti.
.
.
- Go on, get in there.
- Don't touch on me, boy! Don't touch me! Get on out of here.
[Chuckles.]
Roam around, Rome.
Roam around, Rome.
Feels like home.
Feels like home.
Love the smell.
Ah, what's up? Tell them what time it is, Rome? Hey, yo, check this out.
- My name is Tony Roam.
- "T.
" And this is man, Snuff Alofagus.
- What's your last name, Snuff? - Alofagus.
That's right.
And this is our cell.
We running this joint now.
Anybody got a problem with that? - Thought so.
- Right.
That's right, 'cause if you do, my man Snuff over here.
.
.
is gonna snuff you out and then I'm a just roam around.
Tony Roam.
Yo, Roam, check that out right there.
Do my eyes deceive me? I'm about to go Captain Kirk on that butt.
- I'm about to go where no man has ever gone before.
- Well, beam me up, Scotty.
[Tony.]
Oh! Hey, cutie, for a pack of Camels, I'll make your toes curl up.
Yo, you better go Tom Cruise on that.
Word! I'm getting far, far away from that ho.
Yo, shorty, what's up, man? Shorty, why don't you hook me up with a cigarette? Give me a smoke, man.
Yo, man, tell him the Surgeon General warning.
Yo, the Surgeon General warning say smoking gonna stunt your growth.
Looks to me like was homeboy was breast fed on cigarettes.
Hold on.
What's up? - [Coughing.]
- Uh-oh.
Yo! You better chill out, Tattoo.
All right.
That's enough out of you two chumps.
What you 'oing do? Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
What's up? What's up? - Aw, he done did it now.
I'm going crazy.
- Go crazy, bro.
- Yeah, hold this.
- Yeah.
- Hold that.
Give me my hat.
- Give me it.
Give me it.
- Holding it? - Yeah.
- What's up now? I'm goin'jailhouse on you! - What's up? - What's up? Jailhouse! - Yeah, yeah! - Hold these! - Yeah, yeah, boy! Give me, give me! Hold the pose.
What's up now? What's up now? - Oh, that's it! - Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Yeah! You think I'm jokin' now! What's up now? I'm gonna take a walk on you, boy! What's up? - Oh, he think I'm bluff.
.
.
I'm gonna let it all out! - [All Shouting.]
Shut up! Take it off.
Boy.
[Chuckles.]
Give me my pants back, man.
Yo, you lucky they stopped him.
You know, I'd hate to hit you in the mouth.
I might want to kiss you later.
Yo, yo, yo! You better apologize right now.
.
.
- because he gonna goJeffrey Dahmer on you.
- That's right, boy.
I cut your big ass up, put it in my freezer and I'll come back and kick it later.
- And what are you gonna do? - Who me? - I'll go Milli Vanilli on you.
- Ooh! - And what's that? - That's when I pretend to kick your butt.
.
.
but then go get someone more talented to do it for me.
[Chuckles.]
- Go get him, Snuff.
- Oh, man, chill.
Uh, what's up, man? - Come on, play the floor.
- Oh, play the floor.
Oh, that's it! You asking for it! I'm goin' low! I'm LoJack! Give me the ball! Shabba do! Shabba do! Shabba do! Shabba do! Now Vogue! Vogue! Strike a Vogue! - Strike a pose, baby.
Strike a pose.
- Come on, Vogue.
What's up? That's so shiny on you.
All right, all right, break it up.
Yes, break it up.
Alvin! Thaddeus! Didn't I tell you to quit sneakingin those movie theaters? You done seen Pinocchio twice already.
Ah, Ma, I told you it's not Alvin and Thaddeus.
It's Snuff and Roam.
When I get you home, I'm gonna go Flip Wilson on you.
What's that? What's Flip Wilson? That's when I whup you so bad.
.
.
- nobody will hear from you for 20 years.
- Oh, man! Hey, Flip, what you doing man? [Mumbling.]
[Hip-Hop.]
[Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
I'll do anything I can to help you with the investigation, Detective.
What do you want to know? Well, uh, let me get right to the point, Miss Tramell.
I need to ask you some questions about Steve Derrick.
Uh-huh.
When was the last time you saw him? - The last time? - Yeah.
- He was lying down here on this bed.
- Whoa.
Oh.
Uh, was he? Um, why don't you, uh.
.
.
show me exactly what happened, sort of flesh out the details.
Maybe I can get all of the evidence I need.
Whatever you want.
You're the cop.
[Sighs.]
He was all tied up.
Naked.
.
.
and helpless.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
And, um.
.
.
then what happened? Then my girlfriend took over.
Girlfriend? I love you.
I think this was yours.
Still got the flavor.
Ooh, it's a policeman.
How you doing? Is that a Taser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? [Chuckles.]
Hey, look, I wish could see you, but your voice sounds lovely.
Okay, then.
Well, if you think the voice is milky smooth, wait till you see the whole package.
- You gonna freak.
- Is that right? Oh, I love a freak too.
Hey, look, why don't you tell me what happened between you and Derrick? Okay, then.
First of all, I stripped downto my unmentionables, right? My Victoria's Secretions.
- I know you like that, right? - Oh, God, yes.
And then I creeped up on him like I was a gorilla in the mist.
[Imitating Gorilla.]
- Ooh.
- And got down on him like he was a helpless rabbit.
Ooh! Hunt me down and take me, sugar.
Hey, like a bowl of grits.
Hey, is that a.
.
.
Hey, I thought cops only carried a.
38.
Well, baby, what you dealing with here is.
357 magnum.
Hey, Dirty Harry.
- Sugar.
- Look, why don't you make my day? Take off this blindfold.
Let's play a little show and tell.
Okay, hey, that's my song.
Show and tell [Both.]
Just a game I play - When I wanna say, l.
.
.
- [Screaming.]
[Screaming Continues.]
Who put a wig on Charles Barkley? I thought you said you wanted to freak too.
Hey, I wanted to freak.
I don't want to be with a damn freak.
That's the only way you can be freaky too.
Why you tripping? You know I got you? You ain't got to go nowhere.
I have you.
So, why you tripping, huh? Why don't you just relax and take this too.
Come on, don't you want to bump uglies? - Bump uglies? Bump uglies? - Yeah.
Honey, look like you took ugly face on.
Well, first of all, why you tripping like that? You know I'm your love beast.
Love beast, huh? Somebody left the cage open at the zoo, that's for damn sure.
Oh, you tripping now.
Why you tripping now? You gonna make.
.
.
[Screaming.]
No, don't kill me! Don't kill me! - Oh, God, don't kill me! Don't kill me! - Just shut up! - Be quiet.
- Don't ki.
.
.
Don't ki.
.
.
I ain't gonna ki.
.
.
I ain't go.
.
.
Shut up.
I ain't gonna kill you.
I just gotta pick something outta my teeth.
Oh, God.
Oh, I thought you were gonna kill me.
- And then you know what I'm gonna do? - What you gonna.
.
.
I'm gonna rock your world.
Kill me.
Kill me.
Go ahead.
Just right there.
Stick it right in the neck.
- Oh, you so crazy.
- Please.
- Wait a minute.
First of all, what happened to the.
357? - Shoot me in the eyes.
See, I have this problem all the time.
They always get nervous and stuff 'cause they can't handle this type of woman.
I'm too much for 'em.
But what we need to do is just relax ourselves, you know? All I need to do is just have me a little smoke.
.
.
so you can get your mind together, you know? Then I'll let you imagine what you've been missing.
[Screaming.]
- What's wrong with you?What's wrong with you? - [Screaming Continues.]
Mother of God! I've seen the face of Satan himself! Why don't you give the devil his due too? - [Screaming.]
- What's wrong with you? Where you going? - Where you going? - [Screaming.]
I lied! I lied! Derrick wasn't killed! He was scared to death! - What's wrong with you? - Police! Police! [Audience Ahhing.]
I was gonna rock his world too.
[Sobs.]
- Well, thanks for joining us.
We'll be back next week.
- [Hip-Hop.]
So, don't forget to tune in.
Peace.
Love you, Ma.
Love you, Ma.
[Ends.]