Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s04e02 Episode Script

Roy had the kids, so me and Trev-- Oh, great.
We hit the road.
Fun.
Antiquing.
Fun.
Heaven.
Oh! Welcome back, home shoppers.
Over the break, we sold 600 Steve Irwin commemorative coins.
Now, this is the perfect gift for someone who does not have a Steve Irwin coin.
God, I miss Steve, you know? Yeah, oh yeah.
You know what's great about him? He, he-- Everything.
Everything and Yeah? He had the kind of body where he didn't work out, but it looked like he worked out.
Sure! Got one of these for my wife.
Your what!? Okay.
Oh, next up, what do we have? Oh! Oh, boy.
Okay, okay.
Stop.
Now, speaking of perfect gifts, now, this is a no brainer, all right? Now, this is a gun.
Just your regular, run of the mill, meat and potatoes handgun.
Now, how cute is that? I love that.
How cute-- we can pick it up? Look at this.
Oh, heavy, oh Ooh, can I see this? You can hold it, sure.
Oh, wow! Look at that.
Wow, look at that.
Wow! Bam-bam, bam-bam! It's like a toy, but it's extremely real.
Yeah, and now here is what's great about this.
Now, pretty much anyone can purchase this.
Mm-hmm.
Okay? Oh, my God, this is so fun, I love this.
It's fun.
Hey, lady, give me all your money and your makeup! Oh, my God, so fun, and it's on sale now.
Call in.
Oh, we got a caller.
Oh, caller! Hey, did I miss the Steve Irwin coins? Uh, yeah, you did.
You sure did, honey.
I'm sorry.
But that's okay.
You want a gun? Oh, no, I could never get a gun.
I have several violent felonies.
Oh, no.
Caller, you bite your tongue, you silly goose.
You can absolutely get a gun if you have several felonies, as long as you buy it on the Internet Right.
or at a gun show, and caller, guess where you are right now? Bam! You're at a gun show! You're at a gun show.
Yes, if you go to a gun show you can get an unlicensed seller to sell you a gun, noquestioneasked.
That's right, not one question for you, caller.
Great, I'll get one for me and my mouthy (bleep) wife.
Ooh, one's for your wife.
In a way.
Great.
You know the guns my wife can't get enough of? These.
You are really committing to the whole wife thing.
She's real.
What's her name? Ben ita, Benita.
From Espana.
That's fantastic, and just a reminder to all the parents at home, these make perfect stocking stuffers.
Oh, yeah.
Right? For-- for as young as-- Beautiful.
It doesn't matter, okay? These are great for any age group.
It's like the bottom of the stocking.
It is, it's shaped It's like the foot.
very stocking-like.
It's like a metal foot.
Very stocking-like shape, okay? Fantastic.
My wife's in the states, by the way.
I said she's Spanish, but she is from the states.
Let's keep these calls coming.
We only have And here's some good news.
Even a blind person can see what a great deal this is and take advantage of this deal by buying a gun.
Totally legal! So, if you're Stevie Wonder, you don't have to wonder if you can get a gun.
Uh, caller, I, I hope you just called to say you want a gun.
Stevie Wonder reference.
My wife's favorite band.
Hi, I wanted to buy a lot of these but I am suspected terrorist on the no-fly list.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh-ooh.
You're fine, sweet potato fries.
You're fine.
The no-fly list.
No one can tell you that you don't have a right to buy a gun in this country you're trying to destroy.
You're funny today.
Uh-oh, uh-oh! Whoa! What is that? You know what that means.
Mass shooting.
We've had a mass shooting.
Which means the government could be coming for your guns soon, like they never have, but always might.
Scary.
Now, we're gonna go to commercial.
When we come back-- ooh, you're gonna like this-- we'll be selling United States Congressmen and Senators whose influence can be purchased for much cheaper than you think.
Yes, and they're selling out fast, ranging from $1,000 to-- Shh Shit! Ah, ah, (bleep, bleep)! Oh! Shit! It was his foot's time.
There was a shooting at a screening of the movie I made last summer and, um, these two girls, Jillian Johnson and Mayci Breaux, were shot and killed and, uh, I just like, was so angry and I wanted to help.
You know, people are like, "Ew, like, we don't like when celebrities get involved in politics.
" And I hear you and I feel the same way.
I remember when Scarlett Johansson endorsed Obama.
I was like, "Who gives a (bleep)?" Like, why do we care? Your superpower and your hero movie is just like you have a hot ass.
But, I met with people, the victims' families and they have, like, buttons with the pictures of their children or their par-- and so, and they're like, "Will you help us "'cause no one listens to politicians, they listen to you idiots.
" And what are you gonna be like, "No, I don't want to annoy people on Reddit.
" Welcome to "Chip Chat," here on Geekview," YouTube Channel of the tech blog Dorkist-- a division of Gawker media.
Recently, Twitter made waves when they replaced their "fave" button with a heart.
Here to discuss yet another addition to their interface is Twitter's VP of Communications, Cathy O'Doherty.
Thank you for having me.
So, Cathy, tell me about this new feature.
Well, Jared, whether it's "thumbs up" or "LOL," people appreciate having a shortcut for something they frequently communicate, and there is one sentiment that is constantly expressed online but has never had its own button.
Hmm.
That is why we are proud to present this Our new "I'm going to rape and kill you" button.
Interesting, I love this.
Did you know that over 120% of tweets directed at women refer to raping and/or killing them? Well, I never really thought about it, but it's what I would guess.
Our new button will allow you to express that notion, but still free up for other comments about that woman.
Like what ugly sluts they are? Bingo.
Let me show you how it works.
Okay, so right now we're looking at basic cable and clickbait sensation Amy Schumer.
Yes.
Now, before our "I'm gonna rape and kill you button," if you wanted to tell Amy Schumer that you were going to rape and kill her, you would have to hit "reply" and then fully type out "I'm gonna rape and kill you.
" But now, you can simply click the "I'm gonna rape and kill you" button, and Amy Schumer will much more instantly know of your threat to rape and kill her.
Very cool.
Very cool, but who is the target user? Uh, it's typically a guy whose profile pic is him in a sports jersey with his child on his shoulders and a bio that reads, "proud Christian" Mm-hmm.
But also, everyone.
Oh, everyone.
It's been years in the making.
The beta version was simply, "You're fat.
" Oh.
But it turns out people prefer to type that one out.
That way they can spell "You're" as incorrectly as they want.
Hmm, it is fun to write.
It is the perfect way to rob a stranger of all her confidence because you feel powerless and invisible.
Exactly.
But what's the point of using the anonymity of the Internet to just call someone fat when you can also make them feel physically threatened.
Physically threatened, yes.
That is what "I'm gonna rape and kill you" is for.
Here's a fun example.
If you read this tweet from a female video game designer and you break into cold sweats of fury and you feel like someone took a shit in your pool with their period.
You just lightly tap the button and voila "I'm gonna rape and kill you.
" Exactly.
It's so easy.
Now, what's next for Twitter? Any other shortcuts we can look forward to? Well, nothing that I can make public yet, but let's just say there's a certain racial slur that's going to be much easier to sling in the near future.
Oh, I think I know what it is.
Well, that's all the time we have on this week's episode of "Chip Chat".
You can follow Cathy on Twitter at the handle below.
Oh.
Someone used the button on me.
That was me.
But I'm not really going to rape and kill you.
Or am I? Whoa! I do feel powerful.
Wow! Call from agent.
Sorry, I'm going to have to take this.
This is Amy.
Amy? Amy Oh, we got-- we got a go for Amy? Hello? We got Allan here and also Josh, Guy, Ali and Berk.
Is she on here? Do we have Amy? Amy? Why am I on the phone if we don't have Amy? What's up, guys? Oh! Schumer! Gold! Every time with you! Hey, how was Toronto, girl? I wasn't in Toronto.
Cool, cool.
Look, we got some exciting stuff, Amy, some exciting stuff, Am-ers.
So exciting.
We got you a killer offer.
Maybe you heard of a little show called "Game of Thrones"! Shut up! "Game of Thrones"? Oh, my God, I'm gonna be on "Game of Thrones"? Oh, my God, this is so crazy.
I love that show.
Oh, my God, am I Am I Khaleesi? Sure, no, but you're in.
No audition needed.
It's a recurring role.
Yeah, we're talkin' name, opening creds.
You play this sorceress who's like a bad-ass warrior.
So fierce.
Blah! I'm in, I'm so in.
Oh, my God.
Well, so, what's my character arc? Allan out.
We out.
Ooh! Get me more peanuts And more vodka Hey, Amy.
Hi.
Welcome to G.
O.
T.
Thank you.
I can't believe I'm here.
It's gonna be great.
Thank you.
Listen, the first shot is pretty straightforward.
Right.
You start your speech here.
Okay.
You'll go over to this rock, about halfway through your speech, we'll bring the horse in and then you pop up on the horse and we'll finish the speech on horseback, okay? Wait, I'm so sorry.
Did you say you're adding a horse beat or Did I catch that or? Oh, no, no, we didn't add anything, it's always been in the script.
Did you not, did you not read the script? Um, yeah, oh, of course.
Not, you know, not word for word, but I read my stuff.
Right.
Isn't this like an improvy type of a set? Like kind of a "Curb Your Enthusiasm"? Well, no, it's, it's based on a novel, so it's very much scripted.
Okay, cool.
Um, I'm not gonna get on the horse, though.
Uh, 'cause they're tall monsters and and so that's not gonna happen but Okay, well, it says on your resume you ride horses.
It also says I weigh 110 pounds and like giving blowjobs.
It's, it's lies, it's a resume, so, just Um, okay, we got to do something, Amy.
It's too late for a rewrite, so just do your best.
Thank you.
All right, let's go, guys, back to one.
Okay, rolling.
Action! I am Queen Labia of House Majora.
And Winter is still coming.
There are precious few remaining who are brave enough to defend the realm.
Come, ride with me.
No, (bleep) that.
No, not happening.
Okay, hold, hold! Keep rolling.
Amy.
Nope.
Why don't you get on the horse? Sorry, I can't, I, I feel like my character would just remain firmly planted on the ground, just grounded, you know? But you do say, "Come ride with me.
" Yeah, but that's just like an expression that people don't even say anymore.
I just, like it's disgusting.
It's, it's a hair dinosaur.
They sleep standing up.
Did you know that? Like a vampire.
Well, we're going again, all right? Ed's going to help you when you need that time to lift up, all right? All right, come on, guys.
We're gonna pick it up right before you get on the horse, come on.
And action! Come ride with me! Ugh, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.
Okay.
If you follow me, your spirit Amy, the mic's not gonna pick that up.
You need to speak up.
You're making a speech, Amy, a speech, okay? Your bravery and your spirit will be sung about for years to come.
Oh, my God, he just put a spell on me.
Did anyone just see that? Great! The horse didn't put a spell on you, Amy.
It can't see you.
Then why did he piss myself? Oh, boy, listen, we are losing the light, so can we continue? Volume up, let's go, we are still rolling.
Bravery that will allow you to say to our enemies, "No more!" I can't.
No more.
Ooh! We We are not afraid.
Oh, my God.
Say your lines confidently.
If the horse senses any fear, he's going to throw you off and trample you to death, okay? As long as you're not on your period I am.
and you've only had sex with guys you're in love with, you'll be fine.
What? Action.
We will ride like the wind into the night which will bring forth a thousand suns.
I can't, I can't, I can't, I'm sorry.
Help, help, help, help, help! Cut.
Just cut.
I'm sorry, I am scared shitless of this horse and I can't do it.
So I have to just decline this role, respectfully, thank you.
If there's another role, I would be very interested in that, but there's just some lines as an actress you can't cross.
The only other role is a, a miller's daughter who is sexually disfigured by her brother in a bathtub while the villagers point and laugh.
It requires full frontal nudity and partial internal nudity.
And also full penetration.
Who's playing the role of the brother? Coincidentally, it's your actual brother.
I'll do it.
All right, resetting for the bathtub scene! I'm going to be on "Game of Thrones"! Thank you for helping plan my brother's funeral.
How did he pass? It was a car crash.
Let's plan his funeral.
Nonsense.
Why didn't he just unbuckle the seatbelt then roll out of the car moments before impact? Hi, I'm Don Cheadle, and at my funeral parlor, I Don't Bury Cowards.
But don't take my truthful words for it.
Just watch how much these actual customers, who are not actors, love I Don't Bury Cowards Funeral Parlor.
I just can't believe he's gone.
How did he, uh pass? He was on a boat, uh, that capsized.
He drowned.
What? He drowned.
Why did he die? Why didn't he just fashion a makeshift floatation device with his pants? A what with his what? He death was avoidable.
I don't bury cowards.
Get out.
If I deem your death valid, I will consent to burying you, or your loved one.
If not, you can get out.
It was an armed robbery and, uh Michael, he-- Took the gun out of the assailant's hand, swiftly and expertly removed the firing pin, and pistol whipped the would-be gunman and dropped his hogtied and unconscious body off at the nearest precinct with a note that said, "You're welcome.
" No, he was shot and killed.
Get out.
Get out.
Died in a fire.
No, no, no-- it was not a fire.
It was-- I wish it was a fire.
It was so much worse.
It was a bear Shark, cancer Mur mur Suici The Russians The Russians? Yeah, oh, God.
Really? The Russians got him.
Then why is he burnt to a cowardly crisp? I'll just get out.
Get out.
I'll get out.
So, come on down to I Don't Bury Cowards Funeral Parlor, but only if your deceased loved one wasn't a coward.
So, Brina, you're an advocate for gun safety.
Yeah.
Let's talk about it.
I'm the Chief Strategy Officer at Everytown For Gun Safety.
We're the nation's largest gun violence prevention advocacy organization.
Can you explain to me as if I'm a nine-year-old Mm-hmm.
what Everytown does.
Everytown is helping create this really exciting movement of Americans who are joining together to help save lives in this country from really sad and scary gun violence.
What are the biggest misconceptions that people have about what you do? That we're trying to take all your guns away.
Yeah, why would anyone think that you're just trying to take their guns away? You know, I think there were different points in history where there were conversations about banning certain types of guns.
What we're really just trying to do is improve public safety.
So, we're not talking about law abiding citizens' access to guns and go hunting and shooting and protect their families, right? We're talking about terrorists and rapists.
How can you not get burned out and just go, "(Bleep) it.
"Everyone's insane.
They don't want to save lives"? Actually, my colleagues and I are so inspired by our work because I've been in conversations like this all over the country with people who you would not think would be with us, um Like who? from Maine to Montana.
Sheriffs and hunters and conservative elected officials.
Yeah.
But we're able to find common ground because we can all agree that we should just be doing more to keep guns away from dangerous people, so that part's really inspiring.
So I'm a guy at a bar Mm-hmm.
and I'm (bleep) so hot, and I'm gonna give you my card and it says, "I'm an NRA member.
" What do you-- like, what does that do to you and your vagina? What's kind of amazing is that most NRA members are completely reasonable Americans like the rest of Americans who overwhelmingly agree with the policies that we're pushing.
Okay.
But the leadership is crazytown.
Is crazy bad shit.
Totally crazy.
Nuts.
There's this great myth that they are untouchable and unbeatable, but the fact of the matter is, they're way too extremist for the American public.
Give me-- what is the most disturbing statistic? I think it's that Americans are 25 times more likely to be murdered with guns than people in other developed nations.
Not developing, not third world, like Yeah, similar economies, similar lifestyles.
They watch the same Hollywood movies, they also struggle with mental illness but we've got Do you think they liked "Trainwreck"? Probably, yeah.
Um, so, a lot of people don't know that gun violence really is heavily a woman's problem.
Mm-hmm.
Can you talk about that a little bit? American women are 11 times more likely to be murdered with guns than women in other countries.
Um, I mean, the majority of mass shootings are actually incidents of family or domestic violence where an abuser gets a gun and kills his family or his ex and her friends.
So, what American women are really at risk of is being shot to death and so By their spouse.
Right, or Or boyfriends.
boyfriends.
Ex-boyfriends.
Or like, a casual hookup.
Yeah.
Do you want to say anything? You guys should go to Everytown.
org, you can sign up to join our email list and learn how to get involved in your community, and you need to vote.
It's an election year, it's really important that more Americans get out there and vote for candidates who are gonna stand up for this issue and fight to end gun violence.
Right, 'cause it's like Don't wait 'til it happens to you or your kid.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know.
Mm-hmm.
You guys are not looking to take away everybody's guns, you're just trying to keep guns away from dangerous people.
Exactly.
So, guns.
Yeah.
What do you think? I, I wear one.
Do you think people should be able to get a gun if they're severely mentally ill? No.
Absolutely not.
Well, then are you willing to turn in your gun? No, I'm, I'm a responsible person.
Who do you think should not be allowed to get a gun? Anybody? No, there are rules and regulations in this country Right.
and they should be followed.
Do you think a good solution is to give everybody guns? No.
What do you think a good solution is? I'll get back to you.
Why didn't you get on the horse? Because I feel like my character Sorry, you just made me laugh.
Oh, yeah.
We got that on camera, guys.
Thank you, cut and roll.
So easy! Mmm, magic.